Jessica Simpson May be Pregnant, But She's Also Hell-a Fat

Boston Herald - Pop singer Jessica Simpson yesterday confirmed the world’s worst-kept secret: She and Needham homey Eric Johnson are having a baby. “It’s True! I am going to be a mummy!” the 31-year-old said in a statement posted on her website yesterday alongside a photo of her in her Halloween costume — a mummy — cradling her tummy. The confirmation came after weeks of speculation about the singer, who had been seen in scores of paparazzi shots with what appeared to be an ever-expanding baby bump.

I'm not sure what the rules are about calling pregnant lady fat, but Jessica Simpson is FAT.  I mean, yea there might be a baby in there somewhere, but it sort of looks like there's a couple honey-hams and a Christmas Turkey too. Look at her! She's built like a brick shit house...you can't tell which one of them used to play in the NFL and which one was a pop star, they've got the same physique!

I'll be honest, this is the first time I looked into this story, like for 2 weeks Jess had been all coy about whether or  not she was pregnant, hinting at it but not fully confirming, and all the while I was a bit puzzled about how there could be any confusion, like you know when a woman is pregnant, she sprouts a beach ball under her shirt...but now I get it, I understand the confusion. She looks like a frigen long haul trucker who's been eating at roadside diners for 15 years, just pounding cheese steaks and fries all day. Plus, now that she's apparently wearing moo-moo's in public  you really can't tell if its a baby bump or just her natural gut. 

PS: How the hell do her legs work? What in gods name is up with those cartoon like sticks that are improbably holding up her girth? Can we get some physicists to explain how that's happening?

Lazy New York City Teachers Suspending Kindegardeners at an Alarming Rate

NYC - A number of city public schools suspended kids in kindergarten for misbehaving last year — including three schools that hit the double-digit mark. PS 212 in Brooklyn registered 13 suspensions of kindergarten this past school year, followed by PS 13 in Staten Island with 12 suspensions and PS 115 in Brooklyn with 10. “It’s troubling, because a lot of these kids are being suspended for behaviors that could be dealt with in a more constructive fashion,” said Kim Sweet, executive director of Advocates for Children. “We think suspension is very much a last resort because it removes a child from the classroom and it doesn’t teach them appropriate behavior.”

No shit these kids could have been dealt with in a more constructive manner, just how bad of a teacher do you have to be to be suspending 5 year olds on the reg? That's as low as it gets.

When I was in kindegarden (full day by the way, none of this half day crap that some kids do now) we had 6 basic periods a day, and each one of them was a blast, like if you're the teacher and you're fucking this up, you suck at life, because as a five year olds, we ate all this stuff up:

1) Reading - When you're just learning to read this is easily as fun as a Call of Duty session, Thomas the Tank Engine, Clifford the Big Red Dog, Curious George...Those are still my favorite books today.

2) Coloring - Hand the kids some crayons under the guise of teaching them to "color in between the lines" and just leave them be for like 45 minutes. I colored my ass off in kindegarden, had one of those Super 64 packs from Crayola, wore each and everyone of those suckers down to the nub. Red-Orange was my favorite, fyi.

3) Snack/Building Blocks time - Everyone run to your cubbies, get a snack and then go build things with blocks and lincoln logs...No joke, I don't even think my teacher was in the room during this time, think she just went down to the teachers lounge to hang out with some adults. Kids just sword fighting with the bigger blocks, raiding the girls groups that were pretending to play house, and building stately log cabins from the lincoln logs (my specialty).

4) Lunch/Recess - See ya, kids are out of your hands for another half hour...We're half way through the way and you've so far read to the kids for like 30 mins...that's it. That's your entire day of work so far.

5) Nap time - There is no lazier an exercise for teachers than nap time. Tell the kids to find a spot and lay down and you've done your job. True, I never slept during nap time, I always made it my mission to sneakily crawl from one end of the room to the other without being noticed, but as long as you don't have any funny co-ed business going on you've got nothing to worry about (and luckily for you, girls have cooties at that age, so no real chance of funny business here)

6) Gym - See ya, kids gone for 45 more minutes. If it's Friday you can literally take this time to pregame for your night out later, no one will know.

7) Go Home.

If you're a kindergarden teacher that's it, that's your day. One half hour of reading, passing out a few crayons, and the rest of the day is your oyster. Do whatever you please. It's unfathomable that there's a human being out there that can't handle that, so you can see how the public would be puzzled if teachers are just suspending kids to lighten their loads, it just makes no sense.

Texas Woman Takes Offense To Jersey Woman's Standard Hooker Attire

Standard Hooker Attire

A Jersey City woman said her finger was bitten during a fight at a Hoboken parking garage early Saturday after a woman from Texas pulled the bottom of her skirt down, police said. At 2:02 a.m., a 23-year-old Humble, Tex., woman was in line at the garage at 111 River St. with a 22-year-old Lodi woman when she noticed that the Jersey City 30-year-old’s skirt was so high the woman’s buttocks were being exposed, reports said. The Texan who did not know the Jersey City resident took matters into her own hands and pulled the woman’s skirt down, reports said.The argument got physical and the Jersey City 30-year-old sustained a bite to her left ring finger and a scrape to her knee, reports said, adding the Lodi woman was scratched on her forehead.

What the hell is this? Look, I don't know what appropriate attire at 2 AM in a parking garage is in Texas, but in Jersey, its strange if you're not flashing ass. Not only does this Southern Belle come in and throw off this hoochies game, probably costing her a john or 3, but then she bites her finger, the fuck is that?  There some kind of uniformed dress code for hookers that this lady was violating that I'm not up to date on? Cuz I kinda assumed that ass cheeks out was standard attire. Only thing I can think of was this Jersey City woman was just working this Texas girl all night, stealing client after client and little miss Texas had enough, she just couldn't compete with this other broad flashing her goods before getting paid. The whorin' business is a tough game for a prude.

Does these Look Like the Faces of A Family Haunted By Fornicating Ghosts?

 

Actually, no these don't look like the faces of a family reporting ghost sightings...I've literally never been so shocked by a story since those folks down in Mobile, Alabama started reporting leprechauns. I mean, this has to be the surest sign yet that Dr. King's dreams of equality are coming true, because 15-20 years ago, acting batshit crazy, telling news reporters that you've got to ghouls getting buck in your living room, dogging it out in front of your young daughter was strictly the realm of crazy white folks. This video is progress people.

PS: Is anyone else as confused by their tv as I am? Do they have a wide screen tv standing vertically? Is that what's going on here? And yes I've spent more time analyzing the TV than that ghost straight pounding his chic next to it...thats an open and shut case, ghost is getting his fuck on.