Retweets The New Virtual Autograph? I Hate the Internet

My Fox Boston - Forget standing in line for hours, hoping for a scribbled, barely legible autograph on a wrinkled piece of paper. Or jockeying for spots behind the dugout, on the off chance a signed ball or batting glove gets tossed your way. When it comes to souvenirs from your favorite athlete, the retweet is where it's at these days. "@SHAQ the real superman, can i get a birthday retweet from the most dominant big man of all time?" "It's my birthday and all I want is for @KingJames to tweet me !! "@Donald_Driver80 I love you so much. I have a piece of your jersey, I want more. I want(need) an RT from you. See ya in a lambeau leap!! "@serenawilliams please don't let me go 0-5 for (hash)serenafriday RT from my favorite female tennis player?"

These people are tools. Absolute tools. Every time I see a "can I get a RT from (fill in the blank celebrity), it's my (fill in the special occasion)," I get irrationally angry.  I'd rather the celebrity tweet back, "No, you can't, get some real friends so they can sing you happy birthday, you loser."  That would make me so unbelievably happy. What's the best case scenario here? The minimum wage intern or posse member that handles the celebrities twitter account clicks RT? Big fucking whoop, congrats.

I honestly hate the internet these days, and it's not just Retweet requests, its these awful "meme's," wow, you're so clever, you figured out how to caption a picture! 

It's rage comics that make no fucking sense. Congrats, you have the motor and drawing skills of a 4 year old.

It's these ridiculous six frame "What I do, what people think I do, yada fucking yada, poster things.

And finally, pictures of food on facebook...Yea, I ate dinner tonight too, I'm just not naive enough to think that the meal I ate off my coffee table while watching American Idol was newsworthy.

CUT IT OUT PEOPLE, YOU'RE MAKING ME HATE THE INTERNET.

Woman Who Invented Spanx is a Billionaire.

Fox News - When Sara Blakely was a 27-year-old salesgirl with the bright idea to create shaping, smoothing undergarments, she had no idea that her creation would take her on a journey to become the youngest woman to debut on the Forbes Magazine Billionaires List, which was released Wednesday. According to Forbes, Spanx is valued by several Wall Street Banks at an average $1 billion. That figure squeezes 41-year-old Blakely - who owns 100 percent of the private company -- into an elite circle of super-rich, mostly male, movers and shakers. She ranks 1,153 of 1,226 on the Forbes list.

First off, congrats to Sara Blakely, a billion dollars off selling hosiery is no joke.

But secondly, this story just confirms for me what I've always believed: If you're selling something targeting women and you tell them it'll help them lie about what they really look like, you've got a million dollar product...Or in the case of this spanx lady, a billion dollar product. You've just gotta help them lie.

It really is that simple, tell a group of woman you have something that'll further help them conceal their true looks from the world and you'll have an absolute feeding frenzy. Makeup, push-up bras, breast implants, spanks, hair extensions, fake eye lashes! I mean fake eye lashes, people. As if any guy has ever given a half a shit about what some girls eye lashes look like. If you're a girl and you've found a guy that you can't quite get to take the bait, eye lashes are not going to help, and if they do, well you probably found a guy with a case of the ghey. 

And ladies, this is in no way a plea for you to change, please, please, keep your vanity driven consumeristic habits, at least long enough for me to come up with a product to get rich off of.

Papelbon Says Phillies Fans Are Better than Boston Fans...Seriously, Who GIVES A SHIT?

Boston.Com - Jonathan Papelbon took a break from trying to unlock the potential of cold fusion to conduct a radio interview in Philadelphia.

"The difference, I would say, between Boston and Philadelphia, is that, you know, I think that the Boston fans are a little bit more hysterical when it comes to the game of baseball. I'd say the Philly fans, I think they tend to know the game a little bit better, being in the National League, the way the game is played."

So being a fan of a National League team makes you smarter? It must be all those tricky double switches. And having the pitcher bunt, that's practically advanced trigonometry. It's confusing just to think about.

Do we have to do this, guys? I'm of course talking to the Boston sports media. Do we have to try and tear a guy down just because he left. Can we just skip the next week and a half of being all fired up over a throw away comment he made to appease his new fans and not pretend its something more than it is?

He left for greener pastures, I mean literally greener pastures, he took a boat load of money. I'm sure he looks back fondly on his time here, the World Series, the Shipping up to Boston, the Irish Jig that people still thought was so novel 4 years later. I'm sure he loved every minute of it, but here's the thing, he's not here any more.  He's in Philly.

He can't be down in Philly talking up how great the fans were up here, how we're so much better than the scumbags and thugs in Philly, he just can't.  Let it go. Doesn't make him a bad guy, it makes him smarter than you guys ever gave him credit for. 

New Feature: What Did Randy Jackson Wear Last Night?

Two Words: Game Changer. Randy Jackson's outfits have been absolutely on fire this season. This right here is just a selection of his last three, and he's Killing It, Dawg! Lebron and Dwayne Wade take note, this is how you dress. You gotta own it. And yes, I'm going to be tracking Randy's outfits right here each week from here on out, this kinda fashion mogulery deserves its own feature.

Picture one is probably the best illustration of Randy's theme this season you're gonna see, The Plural Tone. That's right, Plural. Randy is sure as hell not settling for two-tone, but he's not going to be painted into a box as just a quad-tone or just a tri-tone dresser either. 

Picture One - Classic Quad-Tone, in your face, not at all subdued, fire. That's how I'd describe it. Sadly, I'm fairly certain white people such as myself will never pull off  a shirt with that kind of flair. 

Picture Two - The Subtle Tri-Tone.  It's not a great picture, but yes, that is fur on the collar of Randy's jacket. Brown fur. On a black jacket...I know what you're thinking, that shouldn't go at all. And yet, when Randy throws it on, I don't know, he just looks like a dignified version of Shaft, crossed with Colin Powell (though I think that's mostly because of the glasses).

Picture Three - Mista Raja's Neighborhood. Yes, that is a button down sweater vest with cream colored sleaves sewn to it (so I guess it's not technically a vest?). Yes he is pulling it off. Yes, Jennifer Lopez looks absolutely stunning.  Honestly, bad move by Randy here, because that outfit is gold, but he let himself get upstaged here. I mean, I was going to crop J-Lo out, but I just couldn't. 

My question, is Randy concocting these things himself? I can almost picture him sewing on the flair to a normal blue shirt, sewing on that fur patch, and stitching cream colored sleaves onto his sweater vest. Shouldn't this be a behind the scenes look from Idol? Like screw these contestants bland, already been done back stories, lets go behind the scenes on Randy's wardrobe, that's whats hot.