Joe Schmo to Lambo Guy Must Hate His Life

The Thrill Of Victory. The Agony of Defeat. Rarely does one person get to experience such highs and lows within mere hours of each other, but when it happens, the comedown is often all the more painful. Just ask Santaquin, Utah resident David Dopp. The Frito-Lay truck driver won a green Lamborghini Murciélago LP640 Roadster, grand prize in the "Joe Schmo To Lambo" contest operated by Maverik gas stations and teamgive.org last month. Dopp, father of six, was finally presented the car on Saturday afternoon, after which he set about driving it around the neighborhood, giving rides to friends. His elation wouldn't last. Less than six hours after taking delivery of the Lamborghini, Dopp lost control of the 640-horsepower Italian, hopped a curb and spun it into an embankment 75 feet from the road. A witness, Miles Davis (yes, really), said that skid marks were evident on the road and that the car ended up facing the wrong direction. Neither Dopp nor his friend in the passenger seat were injured. Police say the accident was likely "speed-related," although Dopp reportedly says he was only doing 40-50 mph when he lost control of the car on a section of road with a 35-mph speed limit. Dopp maintains he might have hit some black ice or gravel.

The worst. What a disgrace. You didn't even open that thing up, crashed doing 40-50? Guy, a 1988 Toyota Corolla can handle corner going 40-50 mph, what the fuck happened? 

Here's the million dollar question though, does this guy sell the car, or keep it and continue out his average to below average existence (no offense David)? Doesn't sound like the damage should be too bad, just a fender-bender type thing so this should fetch a pretty penny. A quick search shows these things, brand new, and without an accident from some moron driver, fetching about $230k. That's a lot of bags of chips for a Frito Lay driver.

I always find myself debating this when I go to play the McDonald's Monopoly game or those car giveaways that I keep signing my parents up for in the mall, and I always hypothetically say you have to sell it. 

I mean you can't live in some small ranch house in Suburban Utah (actually, can you have a suburb if your whole state looks like a suburb? Like wouldn't Utah as a whole be a suburb of, like Vegas or something? I'm off subject), I'd say sell it and move to one of the real states now that you can afford to.

Elf on a Shelf: The Creepiest New Christmas Tradition I've Ever Heard Of

So Boston.Com ran this story the other day asking readers where they kept their "Elf on a Shelf," and then I started hearing other adults who've already procreated talking about where they're hiding theirs, and I was just sitting there clueless. Like, what the hell people, did I miss out on something vitally important to my childhood? What is this Elf on a Shelf?

Turns out it is the CREEPIEST new Christmas tradition you can possibly think of. Basically parents just playing mental guerilla warfare against their children. Apparently the parents make up some wild story about skeevy looking pixie/elf about how he watches the children from a different vantage point every day, and once the children find him, he disappears for the day, only to reappear the next morning in a special new place. 

NO THANK YOU. Even as an adult, do you know what would happen if someone hung an elf from my ceiling like that picture above? I'd freak the fuck out, probably grab a bat and beat that thing off the ceiling, because here's the thing you're not considering, in the middle of the night if I wake up for water or to take a piss, I'm going to see the shadow of that thing on the wall, and all hell's going to break loose. Nothing is worse than my imagination when I wake up in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning, I swear to god the other night I convinced myself for a solid minute that The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo book on one of our night-tables was a person looking at me. Not even kidding. I would look, close my eyes hoping it went away, and open again, and it was still there. Finally I had to just cover my head for the rest of the night until morning broke and I could make out what it actually was. 

So imagine some elf hanging down James Bond style from my ceiling projecting a huge shadow of a person on one of my walls. Shit would go down. Are kids not pissing themselves when they see this thing at first? Like I've seen pictures of them hidden in fridges, are you kidding me? I open that fridge and I see some goblin guarding the OJ and I'm going to have a heart attack. Probably slam the fridge door shut and keel over right then and there.

Side note, you know what this actually reminds me of? Black Peter. Who is Black Peter? To quote:

Before elves and eight tiny reindeer, St. Nicholas had a much more menacing assistant. Named Black Peter, this companion was the physical opposite of St. Nicholas. Tall and gaunt with a dark beard and hair, Black Peter was associated with the punitive side of Christmas. Traditionally St. Nicholas would hand out presents to good children, while it fell to Black Peter to dole out coal (and sometimes knocks on the head) to children who misbehaved.

Basically Santa's midget slave/enforcer doling out punishment for all the kids on the naughty list, and, I like to think he was the basis for one of my favorite characters in a Christmas movie, ever, Marcus the Elf from Bad Santa:

Jesus Vs. Santa: Battle Rap Showdown for all the Christmas Glory.

"And in the left corner, representing consumers everywhere, wearing Red&White: JOLLY OLD Saint Nick!"

"And in the right corner, representing the gentiles and Abraham, wearing a tunich, Jesus "The Redeemer" Christ"

Lets Go to the Tale of the Tape:

Santa:

Nicknames: Santa Claus, Saint Nicholas, Chris Cringle, Jolly Old Saint Nick.

Posse: Midgets in costumes who build toys and work at the mall part time during the holidays, pack of flying reindeer led by one with a very special genetic defect, and Mrs. Claus

Claim to Fame: Ability to deliver toys to every boy and girl around the world in a single night, noted fan of cookies and milk, somehow squeezes his large ass down chimneys all night long.

Beloved By: Greedy Kids and Simon Mall Owners

Hated By: Big Dradle Manufacturers

Jesus:

Nicknames: JC, Christ The Redeemer, The Son of God, The Chosen One, Lamb of God, Our Lord and Savior.

Posse: The 12 Apostles and a couple of Mary's, Tim Tebow, and God.

Claim to Fame: Walks on water, cured the blind, turned water into wine without fermentation process, rose from the dead.

Beloved By: Practicing Christians everywhere (people 50 years old and up).

Hated By: King Herod,  Pontius Pilate.

The Edge:

Actually, Jesus. I mean, he's got God as his cut-man. Sure Santa has a flare for the dramatics, and he's definitely the more fun guy to be around out of the two, haphazardly tossing gifts out of his magical bag once you get a few milks in him every night, but, again, it's Jesus. I mean he rose from the dead, people, how are you possibly going to knock him out? He's like the original Zombie.