Chilean Miners Rescued, Skin Still Tanned

I'll be honest I'm a little dissapointed now that the miners are coming to the surface.  Not that I'm not happy for the miserable bastards or their poor families, I just expected more.  These impoverished and malnourished guys just spent 60+ days trapped underground and show no signs of extreme mutant evolution.  Hell the fact that they're not even pale makes me question if this whole thing was a hoax.  Where was this mine anyway? Are we sure it wasn't by the Jersey shore with an ample supply of spray tanner?  Couldn't we have left them down there longer as some kind of social experiment (I smell a reality television show idea!), at least until their pigment fades or they started behaving and looking like some kind of lost Amazon Tribe.  The dudes are coming up rocking Raybans and million dollar smiles, I'm pretty sure they were fine down there, at least they were having a better time than me in this cube.  They'll probably end up with some sweet compensation deal to, like no taxes for life, not to mention the book deals and inevitable Oprah appearance I'm sure they all have lined up.

But here's the question I'm interested in.  You've been stuck underground in a cave for two months with 32 other 3rd world dudes no Old Spice Swagger or Drakar Noir to cover up what I assume is just excruciating B.O., everyone using a corner of the room for piss and shit while you sleep 10 feet away.  So when you reach the surface and finally get home, are you more excited about your wife/mistress (or both in this poor guys case) or the hot shower you can finally take?

Alt-Tabs

McRib is Back! – "It has a ghostly quality," says Mr. Dixon, a 30-year-old graphic novelist. "You don't know when it will appear. It's the girl who you are in love with who has always been a tease to you."On Nov. 2, for the first time in 16 years, McDonald's Corp. will offer the McRib at outlets across the U.S., but even then, only for six weeks or so. "It doesn't sell well all year long because people get tired of it," says McDonald's USA President Jan Fields.

Amen, Mr. Dixon.  You can be damn sure where to find me on Nov. 2^nd at 1:15 PM. I’ll be the one asking if I can buy an whole case of the frozen mystery meat patties. And I don’t care that the sandwich itself has nothing to do with ribs.  Fact is the sight of these precious processed patty sandwiches makes me salivate more than any other food (Tony Roma’s makes a good alternative).  It’s cruelty to their customer base that McD’s makes some markets wait years before bringing these happy meals (in the literal sense, not the titular) back into their lives.  

Russian Jersey Shore Coming - "It's a multi-generational story told in the Lifetime voice of women living, dating and working in Brighton Beach," Gena McCarthy, Lifetime's senior vice president for nonfiction programming, told the Post. "You'll see women in their 20s, 30s and 40s and even grandmothers ... women and men as they date and struggle to assimilate," she said. And, unlike "Jersey Shore" -- which revolves around a bunch of twenty-something pals -- there will be several families featured in the series, which doesn't have an air-date yet.

Umm, what part of this sounds like “Jersey Shore?”  Just shameless advertising.  And if you’re going to try and piggy back on a cultural breakout don’t you go with Russian Sex and the City here?  And grandmothers dating? Who are they targeting with this crap.  You’re Lifetime, stick to the script, its tried and proven.  Woman is suspicious of husband/BF, woman's suspicions are confirmed.  Woman is then beaten by husband/BF. Husband/BF is locked up/killed, woman looked at publicly as hero for giving all other women hope.

Slots, Booze, Smokes, Welfare? - Bay State welfare recipients can play the slots, pick up a six-pack of beer or nab a flat-screen plasma TV under loosey-goosey Bay State restrictions that allow those on the dole to treat taxpayers’ wallets as their own personal ATM…“I’m offended. The idea is welfare benefits are supposed to go to people who can’t work and are just barely getting by,” said the bar owner, who requested anonymity. “As a taxpayer I’m surprised the state wants to make it this easy to allow welfare recipients to misuse our money like this.”

This is new?  Gambling, alcohol and tobacco have been recession proof industries for decades now and the Boston Herald has just caught on as to why? 

 And this anonymous bar tender can cut the shit.  The only thing he’s offended by is the fact that his un-ethical cash cow is now in the public light. 

Barbershop Infidelity

This blog is the first guest blog I've had on the site, brought to you by "The Maestro."  If anyone else is interested in hitching their wagon to my star, feel free to submit ideas or entire blogs from time to time (I like this approach better, I'm kind of a lazy person, if you've done a decent enough job writing I'll just post your submission as is. If the idea is good but your writing sucks I'll re-write and give you a shout) to thealttab@gmail.com.

 This particular entry touches on something I'm sure all guys can relate to, at least those of us that moved on from SuperCuts once we graduated middle school.

 I cheated on my girlfriend of nearly 10 years with an exotic pr*stitute yesterday, and I can’t stop thinking about it.  Well, not exactly…I got my haircut at a different barber after going to the same one for the last 10 years.  Now let me start by saying I’ve never cheated on my girlfriend with a foreign pr*stitute, but I imagine this must be exactly what it feels like.  Then again, I’ve never actually had either (as far as you know), so we’re making a lot of assumptions here.     Anyways, I just got back from a bachelor party in LA, so I was still kind of in “guy’s weekend” mode…had Monday off to recover, and my regular barber was “away for the weekend” (he’s closed on Mondays).  I needed a haircut bad, and figured I’d never have this opportunity again.  I go to this place around the corner from me (fittingly enough called Guy’s), peruse the selection of Playboys on the table to get me in the mood…all the while looking over my shoulder to see if I’d been noticed.     As soon as I sat down in the chair and the clippers started going, I got a sinking feeling in my stomach.  Oh no…this is wrong…what have I done?  When the hair started falling off, I realized there was no going back, so I just had to suck it up and wait till it was over (I think there’s a certain Bobby Knight quote that applies here, but this is a family blog.)  It was terrible…there was no conversation, and what was spoken was spoken in broken English.  He didn’t know “how I like it”, and I ended up getting overcharged at the end.  The silver lining was that he did something to me that I had never had done before.  When the warm shaving cream and razor blade went around the edges of my hair, it was quite the rush.  At the same time, I feel like its way too short, and whenever people comment on it, I get uncomfortable and try to change the subject.     I’m already dreading the next time I see my regular barber and he asks me where I’ve been.  I want to say I’ll never go back, but hey, a guy has his needs.


  -The Maestro

Google Car

Google Car - (Mashable) -- Google announced Sunday that it has developed cars that drive themselves automatically in traffic, and that it has been testing them on the streets of California for months.
Thank God for Google.  Anyone that has heard me rant about this subject before knows that I’ll be the first in line for one of these babies.  Short of actual teleportation I’ve dreamed for years now of just getting in my car, zoning out or taking a nap, and arriving at my destination stress free (to the smartasses that are going to point out that I could always take a bus, I ask you this.  How often have you felt relaxed enough to nap on the bus? Might as well take a nap in the lobby of a mental hospital at that point). 
Let’s break down some points from this historic news.

1.      Only one accident, and it was caused by human error.  And this is in Southern California.  Do you have any idea how many undocumented illegals these cars have encountered in Southern California? One accident in month’s worth of testing is downright miraculous.

2.      “The vehicles' instant reaction time and 360-degree awareness would allow them to drive closer together on the highway than humans can”  That alone sold me.  I don’t know if you’re anything like me (but I assume you’re just as awesome as I am, you are reading this blog after all), but when I’m in traffic and the car in front of me begins leaving more than one car length of space between themselves and the car in front of them it leaves me with a few tough choices.  A. Sit there and curse the inferior driver at the top of my lungs but ultimately do nothing about it. B. Swerve into the grass on the left (you won’t find me anywhere but the fast lane) and jump in front of the asshole.  He left the space, he was asking for it. Or, C. Live out the bumper car fantasy on the highway and push them to close the gap.  I’m edging closer and closer to C each day.

3.      “But the biggest benefit for Google would be the hour or so of daily commute time the car owner would save. Instead of driving, he or she could either be productive or entertained in the vehicle, doing work on a wireless Internet (Internet) connection or watching television.”  The “doing work” thing seems counter-intuitive to the idea as a whole (I’m trying to do less work, that’s why I’m having a computer drive for me) but sign me up for the rest.  A bit of directed advertising is a small price to pay if I can catch up with my DVR while on the ride to family cookouts. 

4.      They don’t mention it in the article but this would eliminate two of the biggest hassles known to mankind.  The DMV, because as soon as it’s legal for my car to chauffer me around you can bet your ass I’m never stepping foot inside that leper colony again. And Auto Insurance Companies.  If I’m not driving I’d argue I don’t need to be insured. The auto makers themselves should be on the hook

5.      “The most optimistic projections put this technology at least eight years away from market, though.”  Shit.  Guess I’ll be looking up that bus schedule after all.