Man Finds $500k Worth of Cocaine Stashed in Door of His New Car

SAN JOSE, Calif. (AP) - A California man was stunned to see what a previous owner of his minivan apparently left behind: $500,000 worth of cocaine jammed in the door panels. Preston says he noticed the driver's side window wouldn't go down all the way, but he figured he would live with it because the Town and Country van had a good air conditioning system. The San Jose Mercury News says Preston paid $14,000 to Thrifty Car Sales in Santa Clara for the 2008 white van in May 2010. Thrifty Car Sales owner Ron Battistella says he's willing to replace the van with a drug-free ride.

Hell no, you're not getting my car for a cocaine free car. Finders keepers, losers wheepers. Like this used car salesman isn't just going to turn around and flip this minivan to a cartel for a cool $300k? Why the hell shouldn't the owner get in on the profit? He took all the risks, driving around with a few kilo's just jammed into his door panel, non the wiser. Check the Kellys Blue Book Value buddy, I'm pretty sure if you check the "multiple kilos of coke" box under accessories, you'll see the value is a little more than a free trade in for a mini-van.

Imagine this bro gets pulled over for running a red light or something and the cop happens to be a k-9 unit? Dude is fucked. You think Ron from Thrifty is offering to take responsibility then? Fuck no. Ron don't know shit about the coke in that situation, but find it in a routine mechanics check up and all of a sudden Ron's your best friend, "oh I'm sorry sir, I forgot I put that coke in there, let me set you up with a non-half a million dollar car right away." Bull shit buddy, just give Preston the name and number of your Juarez contacts and he'll take care of this himself. 

Fucking used car salesmen, they're the worst. 

Naive Women Scammed By "For Us Women's Expo" That Doesn't Actually Exist

Not related to the scammers, but hilarious that it exists all the same.

FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - The “For Us Women’s Expo” which was advertised as being held at the a Radisson Hotel in New Hampshire is not, in fact, scheduled to be held at its facility, the Attorney General stated in a press release. Attorney General Michael A. Delaney announced Monday that his office has been contacted by the management of the Radisson Hotel located at 700 Elm Street in Manchester regarding the claims that a Women’s Expo was being held at the hotel on Saturday, Dec. 10 and Sunday, Dec. 11. Attorney General Delaney said that event was advertising booth rentals for $565 and $1,000 and tickets are being sold for between $6.00 and $10.00. The Department of Justice is attempting to identify the individual(s) responsible for the online advertisement to investigate the matter. Anyone with information regarding the "For Us Women's Expo" is encouraged to contact the Department of Justice.

You know why this is hilarious? Because it could only happen to women. I challenge you to find one man who would have paid $10.00 for a ticket to a "Men's Expo." Find me one (and not one that thought it was some kind of gay singles convention, that doesn't count).  You can't do it. Who would ever want to do that shit...You know what a men's convention is? A sports bar during a big football game. So unless that $10.00 is a cover charge that comes with a bartender and some free bar nuts, we're not paying it. We're sure as shit not coming to some convention center with booths, and lanyards, and 50/50 raffles.

But that's the thing about women, they've got such an inferiority complex that any time you tell them something is for their gender only, they're all in on it. It's like they can't help themselves...there's like 4 different kinds of women's only gyms, all somehow financially viable, and I'm pretty sure its because women are signing up for 2 or 3 memberships at a time because its a place "just for them." Just labeling something "Women Only" is a sure fire way to gaurantee business profitability. 

Like I don't even get why these people were scamming the women, that's just greedy. Just throw the actual convention, you'll profit wildly. It's such a good idea that I'm borderline considering calling the Boston Convention Center for availability this weekend. Not sure what kind of booths we'll have but I'm thinking potpourri, some kind of Martha Stewart/Crafting corner, feminine anti-aging products, and a home goods (mops and stuff) section. I'll be rich.

Out of Work NBA Players: Scottie Pippens Farm is Probably Hiring

Fox News -Each year, millionaires are soaking the government, not illegally, for some $30 billion in benefits from tax giveaways and loan programs, according to a report by Sen. Tom Coburn of Oklahoma. The eye-popping findings in the 36-page report include some eye-catching names, like former NBA star Scottie Pippen and billionaire media mogul Ted Turner, both of whom received farm subsidies courtesy of the U.S. taxpayer. Singer Jon Bon Jovi paid property taxes of only $100 last year on a plot of land he used to raise bees. Iconic crooner Bruce Springsteen also got in on the farm subsidy action, for property he leases to an organic farmer. And Millionaire composer-producer Quincy Jones is even singled out for receiving a $25,000 award from the federally-funded National Endowment for the Arts.

Is this stuff real? Like if I raise a school of bees, I'll basically pay 0 taxes? Public safety and well being of my neighbors be damned, I'm going out today and buying me some bee larvae, I don't know the first thing about bees, certainly don't have enough flowers for them to feed off of (though I wonder if they enjoy old grease?), and certainly don't have the acreage to protect any of my neighbors who may be allergic, but if I can get off tax free, I'm doing it. 

Look at Scottie Pippen over there, makes millions playing second fiddle to MJ all those years, retires and finally decides to bee his own boss, with the government footing the bill. Overalls on, hayseed hanging from his mouth, just plowing corn, or whatever the hell crop a multi-millionaire, former NBA great would grow...and he couldn't be doing it at a better time either, now that all these college dropouts and high school graduates are going to be out of work this season (or at least in all likelihood will be), they're going to be needing simple jobs that don't require any education whatsoever, and Scottie's going to be there waiting with arms open.  Just rolling in government cash, and strong physical labor. Scottie's basically positioned to take over the farming industry...Unless of course MJ owns a tobacco farm or something, in which case Scottie would be back playing number two...again.

For Real, What Do People Do With Their Used Cooking Oil?

I've kinda hit a breaking point with this shit, I literally have no idea how I'm properly supposed to be disposing of this stuff, and frankly, the stuff scares the shit out of me.

Like it's been drilled into my head so many times that you can't pour it down the sink or toilet that I honestly fear for my life if a drop goes down the drain...like one little drop and I'm chasing it down the drain with half a bottle of dish washer detergent and 30 minutes of hot water, I even debate leaving the house just in case the sink blows up or something...I'm that paranoid, I don't know why you can't pour it down the sink but I have to think there'll be horrific consequences judging by how often you hear you can't do it.

The other go to option from my care free, easy breasy college days, was to just dump that shit out the window. Sorry neighbors below, don't mind that filth flying by your window or the big old grease stain on the lawn/sidewalk below. That was the simplest solution, but something I've been informed is frowned upon in a domesticated relationship. Like all of a sudden the objects you throw out of your apartments windows directly correlate with your maturity or something, makes no sense to me but I guess I gotta play by the rules.

The third option, and one I'm currently going with, is pouring it into glass recepticles and apparently storing it for all of eternity under your sink...That's where I'm at right now. No joke, I have like 3 jars of crisp, congealed, lardy substances under my sink, not a clue what to do with them. Am I allowed to throw it out? Just doesn't seem smart, would in all likelihood lead to a raccoon revolution in our dumpster, that can't be good. Does someone want this stuff? Like it's not enough for any of those companies that go around buying grease, but maybe a hippie down at the Occupy Boston encampment could use this stuff? Feed their grease powered mopeds or something (do they have those? they really should). Either way I know I hate pouring this stuff into the jar (it always spills off, there's just no way to make a pan fit into the mouth of an old pasta sauce jar), I inevitably burn my hand a little bit, and now everytime I open the cabinet under the sink, I'm just faced with an undisclosed amount of old fat, just sitting there. It's gross.

So for real, what are people doing with this stuff? Help me out.

Closing Time For OWS & Occupiers Everywhere....Time For You to Go Home To the Places You Will Be From

MyFox Boston - More than 1,000 officers descended on the park shortly after midnight local time, issuing protesters with eviction letters and warning that they would be arrested if they remained. The cops were followed by sanitation workers, one of whom was overheard saying, "We're gonna disinfect the hell out of this place." The eviction letters declared that protesters should "immediately leave the park on a temporary basis so it can be cleared and restored for its intended use."

The day of reckoning has come! The revolution is here!

No, the Occupiers didn't accomplish shit, common sense has just finally prevailed and the park is being cleared out, Occupiers in major cities everywhere (and places like Worcester and Manchester too I guess) get ready, you'll be next. 

Props to Oakland for being the only encampment to actually fight back and make shit difficult for the man, I can gaurantee sanitation department workers weren't walking through Occupy Oakland making jokes about "disinfecting the hell" out of their park. Sanitation workers out there probably had to wear full on riot gear, pretty sure you could have just lured the NY occupiers away from their camp with the promise of Green Tea and a free Phish concert just around the block, they'd have gone peacefully and willfully. 

End of an era guys, the worlds most Urban campsite ever is over. Closing Time, You Don't Gotta Go Home, But You Can't Stay Here (but you should totally go home).

Quick Slants: Musings and Thoughts after 10 weeks of the NFL Season

Fact: This guy and his team are the top dogs in the NFL

Quick Slants: Thoughts and Musings on the NFL After Week 10

Well, it certainly has been a while since I put together a piece on the NFL landscape (with my other amazing piece coming back in Week 3) so suffice to say, the various scenarios around the league have transformed quite a bit. Even with that being said, with the exception of the juggernaut Packers, I have no fucking idea what to make of the rest of the league: every team seems capable of shitting their pants on a given week (Staring angrily at you and your Ravens Joe Flacco…the SEAHAWKS??? REALLY?) or just going out and completely dominating (The Houston Texans have looked absolutely sensational, especially against the Bucs…but now they lost their starting QB for the year and are forced to start…USC “superstar” Matt Leinhard, good luck winning a game the rest of the year) So, with the waters as clear as a muddy puddle, let me start out your day with another edition of Quick Slants

-As a Patriots fan, I lead off with them. I honestly wish I could have sent a Polaroid of me posing in front of a roaring fireplace with various hunting trophies above the mantle, me puffing on a big cigar while giving a giant middle finger, then I would mail it to every ESPN analyst/journalist who wrote the Patriots off for dead, just because we lost 2 games against quality opponents. As Belichick said, “37 points against the best defense in the league, suck my dick.” Even with that being said, the overall style of this team hasn’t changed at all. Live and Die by the Offense, because the defense is being held together with Elmer’s Glue and Scotch Tape

-There are few things in life more enjoyable than arrogant douche bags failing miserably at what they are paid to do, then yell at other people for their ineptitude on national TV. Suffice to say, the Chargers standing at 4-5 and Phillip River’s utter futility this season makes me smile with unfathomable glee. It’s typical Norv Turner: Give him all the talent in the world, he will find a way to mis-manage and coach it completely incorrectly. Sadly, their division sucks SO bad that they are only one game out.

-Welp, the Bills early season explosion out of the gates is fizzling quicker than Rick Perry is in achieving the GOP nomination (Did anyone see him forget what he was going to say during a debate for a straight minute? That one goes in the “Awkward moments” Hall of Fame.) As this blogger so intelligently predicted week 3, the Bills defense absolutely sucks and teams are gashing them with a healthy blend of running and passing. They have also realized, “Oh, Fred Jackson is accounting for 45 % of their offense, if we stop him they probably won’t win.” It also doesn’t help that Leodis McKelvin and Drayton Florence have combined for 104 pass interference calls between them.

-Is there absolutely any doubt that Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback/MVP in the league right now? I have debated this issue extensively with my patriot homer friends who adamantly defend Tom Brady’s honor and angrily question my loyalty for daring to pick someone else. Look, I am as glad as ANYONE we have Tom Brady as our quarterback. He is fucking competitive as hell and talented to boot. But this season he has been forcing the issue a little bit, off on the throws he usually makes, and forcing balls into coverage when he should know better. At THIS CURRENT MOMENT, Aaron Rodgers is better. Period. Every single statistic, along with the advanced ones I’m too lazy to look up, will validate this. He is on pace to throw for 5200 yards, have a completion percentage of 73%, tie Tom Brady’s touchdown record at 50, and has only thrown 3 FUCKING INTERCEPTIONS. He is putting up these insane numbers without turning the balls over, which is ridiculous because it is a testament to how well he is throwing the ball. Not to mention he can throw on the move as well as anyone I have ever seen and even run when the situation calls for it. Sorry guys, this dude is in his prime and is taking over as the best QB in the league

-While we are giving our accolades, the winners of the “Most miserably failing to live up to pre-season hype award” goes to….the Philadelphia Eagles! Seriously, I was a little surprised at their 1-2 start, but I expected them to turn it around, despite their crappy defense. Instead, they have completely torpedoed their season through a combination of Mike Vick trying to do too much, a porous offensive line that resembles a wet Kleenex tissue, and jumping offside when it was apparent to everyone in the world that that was what the Giants were trying to do. These guys are not making the playoffs, and given what we have seen, it’s not all that surprising. Don’t worry, that huge megadeal you gave to Mike Vick after last season when you didn’t have to doesn’t look completely idiotic right now.

-Tim Tebow’s sole purpose in this life is make people pissed off and argue about him, and I think the sanctimonious bastard loves every second of it. Seriously, would anyone even give the Broncos a second look if it wasn’t for the “Tebow Effect?” He gives every critic amble ammo to rail on him: his throws are wobbly and soft, his footwork sucks, and he couldn’t hit water with a pass if he threw it off of a boat in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean…BUT he continues to win. His completely unorthodox style has kept defenses off balance and has allowed him some modicum of success through running the ball and making opportunistic throws in addition to leading fourth quarter comebacks. Absolutely baffling. I despised him in college because the media refused to stop blowing him, but now I find myself rooting for him because all the meat head media dickheads hate him. Plus, the objective of the game is to win, not fulfill some arbitrary notion of what the role of “Quarterback” entails, and thus far, he has done that.

-The NFC South is going to come down to either the Falcons or the Saints, but given the results of Sundays game, I’d say the Saints are coming out of that division. Their offense is still top tier in spite of a putrid defense, while the Falcons are actually an equally balanced football team. The Falcons looked like they had straightened things out before this Sunday, winning three games in a row while rookie Julio Jones was showing everyone why Atlanta sold their next 10 drafts to get him. But after Mike Smith’s terrible call to go for it on 4^th and inches on his OWN 29 YARD LINE IN OVERTIME, the Saints were given a nice early Christmas present and are now in charge in the division. That said, I still think the Falcons are a team that should be matched down the stretch, they have the players to make a late season run.

-I’m honestly really let down the Texans lost Matt Schaub for the rest of the season, because this FINALLY looked like the year they were going to not only make the playoffs, but make some noise when they got there. They had great offensive weapons in Owen Daniels, Arian Foster, Jacoby Jones, Ben Tate, and (when healthy) Andre Johnson, and Wade Phillips had COMPLETELY revamped what was the worst defense in the NFL just a season ago. Really bummed out, because I rooted for them every year to kick the Colts ass and bust Peyton’s arrogant, douchey face in, even if they got their ass kicked every time they played the colts. Oh well, if the Texans are going to fizzle/barely scrape out the division, at least the Colts are 0-10 (and Peyton has to watch every second of it. I am once again extremely happy)

-Teams that are irrelevant/too boring/one’s I don’t car enough about to write a huge entry on, so they will get a “blogger blurb,” which is more than they deserve: Bengals: young and promising, not quite there, Ravens: Maddeningly inconsistent, Flacco has regressed (fuck you, Joe, I hate the fact you occupy a roster spot on my fantasy team) Jaguars: Blaine Gabbert has a nice head of hair, Maurice Jones Drew still good Titans: Matt Hasselbeck has risen from the dead, Chris Johnson making his GM trash his office almost every week by rushing for 30 yards despite getting tens of millions of dollars. Browns: Colt McCoy is not the answer, receiving core awful, Peyton Hillis looks like a one hit wonder Vikings: Despite their awful record, I firmly believe Christian Ponder can succeed in this league, despite his bad numbers thus far. He’s faced the Packers twice, which sucks for him, but he is athletic, fast, and his a big arm and usually makes good reads for a young kid. Watch him in the future. 49ers: Apparently good, defense is quite solid, Patrick Willis is an absolute beast, I take back that middle finger I gave Frank Gore Week 3 (unless it was the reason he had 5 straight 100+ yard games, then it still stands) Giants: Fuck them and Eli’s dumb face, nothing to say about these dicks. Lions: Still much better than anyone expected, but appearing to be experiencing some growing pains, as most young teams do. Their 3 losses came against quality opponents (49ers, Bears, Falcons) so look for them to continue to excel down the stretch, especially with the Putrid Panthers up next Panthers: Cam Newton to Steve Smith is good, the rest of the team not so much.

-The Steelers look to be, along with the Patriots, the class of the AFC. Big Ben is playing at a ridiculously high level, and with the exception of their 2 losses against the bi-polar Ravens, have been dominant against the rest of the league. Big Ben has recovered from his early season struggles, with 3 touchdowns and 5 picks through the first 4 games, with a resurgent 13 touchdown passes and 4 picks over his next 6 games. He also remains fucking IMPOSSIBLE to sack, due to his massive wooly mammoth like frame and my firm believe he douses his entire body and uniform in Crisco before every game. Once they get back ALL of their linebackers, since 1 or 2 of them have been missing from a majority of their games, (Farrior, Woodley, and Harrison) they are going to be downright scary. Fucking A’, that last section made me throw up twice while writing it, once because it was praising the Steelers and second because our new pet cat shit all over the coach RIGHT NEXT TO ME while I was writing.