The Worlds First Cannonball Dookie

Gross, absolutely, no argument here, just adding this to the list of reasons I don't swim in lakes (we're up to leeches, duck itch, and human shit, if you're following at home).

But you have to respect the coordination and timing involved here.  I mean sprinting with bowls full of shit is awkward enough, but running, jumping, and tucking your knees to your chest before pushing? That takes some serious coordination, like double jointed shit or something.

And that's without even mentioning the timing. 1 second early and he just shit all over the dock, 1 second later and he's splashing down in his own fecal filth.  But our man here just pulled off sheer perfection, and on the first take no less (which is good because I imagine there's a lot of down time between takes, no chance you can plop out logs like that more than once a day, right?)

Bus Driver and Baby Stroller Show Down Snarls Traffic for Hours

A traffic jam of baby strollers, single mothers, young children and an angry driver on the Number 52 bus caused an-hour-long traffic jam on Joseph Howe Drive Tuesday afternoon. Mandy Fitzgerald, 24, was one of six single mothers who paid her bus fare and pushed her stroller onto the bus around 12:10 Tuesday afternoon with her three- and four-year-old children in tow. Each of the women was pushing a regular-sized baby stroller and had just come from a parenting class. Another woman also had her two small children with her. Fitzgerald says the group folded up some seats designed to make room for wheelchairs in order make space for the strollers, prompting an angry reproach from the driver. "As soon as we got on the bus, the bus driver said 'Don't put up the seats,' but we did anyway because there was no room," Fitzgerald told News 95.7. "We put up the seats and he freaked out and called security." The women were told to get off the bus, but refused and subsequently the driver refused to operate the bus.  A Metro Transit supervisor was called and then police. Several police cars and Metro Transit vehicles surrounded the bus, with the women inside, but no police action was taken. "They called them to try to get us off the bus, but they couldn't get us off the bus," said the mother of four. "One cop actually said 'I'm not going to be the one to kick all these single mothers off the bus with all their kids."

So torn here. On the one hand I see the bus driver as somewhat of a hero, enough is enough with open strollers on buses and subways, fold that shit up and hold your kid for a few minutes, it aint gonna kill ya.  

On the other hand it's not like he was sticking up for everyone, in fact he wasn't really sticking up for anyone, just some hypothetical handicap passengers, none of whom happened to be on or waiting for the bus at the time.  Like hey jerkoff, I'm not handicapped, but I don't like having this double wide stroller knocking into my knee every time you hit a pothole either, how about standing up for the little guy too.

My biggest problem with this story? The cops. Hey guys you're paid to get in there and make the peace, not waffle like a bunch of indecisive broads, playing  with children's toys instead of making tough decisions. Either side with the women or the bus driver, but pick something and move the fuck on.  I'd be furious if I was sitting behind this thing and found out it was a simple argument over strollers, you'd think there was a hostage situation if this thing was lasting over an hour.  It's one of two decisions guys, you tell the bus driver to shut up and do his job or you tell the mom's to fold up the carriages and quit their bitching. Jesus, does CW have to do everything around here?

Officials Finally Decide to Drain Fall River Pool, Like 3 Weeks After Body Found in Murky Waters

FALL RIVER (AP) - A swimming pool where a woman's body lay unnoticed in murky water for days is being drained as part of the investigation into her drowning death. Authorities working on the investigation in Fall River, about 50 miles south of Boston, expected to need most of the weekend to pump nearly a quarter-million gallons of water from the pool into nearby sewers. The Vietnam Veterans Memorial Pool at Lafayette Park was closed after 36-year-old Marie Joseph's body surfaced June 28, perhaps two days after she drowned. Authorities have said the cloudy water hid her body in the pool's murky deep end. The death of the Newport, R.I., hotel housekeeper from Haiti has been ruled an accident.

So draining the pool isn't standard procedure after finding a floater? I mean how many more mistakes can this pool make. What did they do the day they found the body floating in murky water? Skim it out and add some chlorine and shock and check the pH balance? The fuck is going on down in Fall River these days? Can we just get them some general pool maintenance lessons and try to move on past this? I mean every day a new headline embarrasses the city more and more.  Guys the pool should have been drained like 3 weeks ago. There was a dead body in it for days...use some common sense, we're not trying to start a new bubonic plague here.

Boston Ascends to its Rightful Position: Named Meanest City in America.

DEAR BOSTON: Your personality test has been completed, and the results aren’t pretty. Actually, they are downright embarrassing. Two psychologists conducted a national survey, asking Americans questions designed to measure 24 “character strengths.’’ They grouped some of these strengths, like gratitude and valuing emotional connections, as “strengths of the heart’’ - a fancy way of saying kindness. And then, for each of the nation’s 50 largest cities, they calculated an average score. The conclusion: Boston came in at number 50. As in, dead last. As in, none of the country’s other major cities - not New York, not Los Angeles, not even Washington, D.C. - can match us for sheer smallness of spirit. We are officially the capital of mean...Now it would be easy, in typical Boston fashion, to get defensive at this point. Who do these people think they are - these outsiders, no less - taking potshots at our fair city? But there is a vital message here, one that we all need to hear. And I can assure you that these particular outsiders, the University of Michigan’s Nansook Park and Christopher Peterson, don’t have anything against us.

 Well thank goodness for that, I'd hate to think that we were becoming some ninny politically correct city like DC or the land of peace loving hippies, hipsters, and phonies like LA.  

And leave it to a bunch of outsiders complaining about us being "too mean" good lord people, pre-school was like 20+ years ago, newsflash you can't make it through life going around hugging and loving everyone you see while singing and dancing with an ambiguously gay purple dinosaur. Shit just isn't real life.

You're god damn right we're mean and guarded, it's the only way to keep everyone out of our business. Just let us be. We'll keep telling everyone how we're one of America's great cities and bragging about sports and the Greenway and shit, and making fun of people from other cities all we want.  Plus if you like everyone and every thing how do I know if you're being phony or not? Listen, no one is that happy-go lucky, we're just not full of shit like the rest of the country. We respect honesty, a solid 70% of the time people are miserable, worrying about bills, worrying about schedules and appointments, failing tests, projects at work, its all stressful, you've got to release it somewhere.

Plus, there's an us against them mentality here and its kinda served us well, if you believe you're the best and believe everyone else is inferior (even NY, though deep down what makes us so angry is that we know its not true), you'll be the best, so with all do respect, how about you shut the hell up and go bother some other city that maybe gives a care about what some dorky report out of Michigan says, because for the most part we're happy with they way things are...except for the goddamn winters, I hate the winters.

Vancouver Cash Cab Kills A Pedestrian

VANCOUVER -- A man was struck and killed Saturday in Vancouver by a replica taxi used in the Canadian version of the game show "Cash Cab," TMZ reported...."Our thoughts and prayers are with the victim and his friends and his family," said Andrew Burnstein, president of "Cash Cab" producers Castlewood Productions. "My heart also goes out to the driver of the vehicle, a member of our technical staff, who is shaken and devastated by this tragic accident, as is our entire team." No charges have been filed yet in the incident. Burnstein said the producer who was driving the vehicle and the rest of the "Cash Cab" production team are cooperating with Vancouver police.

I'm sure the families settlement with Cash Cab will be paid after answering 10 or so fairly simple trivia questions.

Boy, who could have ever seen this one coming? A cab with a flashing disco floor as its ceiling and a driver who's job it is to read questions to his passengers off an in-dash television? Perfectly safe.

Though it is worth pointing out that the American version of Cash Cab has operated in the overly populated streets of Manhattan for a few years without killing anyone, so maybe the cab itself isn't that dangerous, maybe the real problem was putting a Canadian behind the wheel.  

PS: I'd kill to know what kind of "trivia" questions they ask on Canadian game shows, I imagine it's along the lines of: "What is the average syrup yield from a mature Canadian Maple tree?" or "How many sheeps does one have to sheer in order to make an adult large flannel lumberjack shirt?"