Hysterically Sarcastic Roundabout Rant Ruined By Non-Funny Asshole Camera Man

Would have been an absolute pantheon, hall of fame video.  I say would have been, because the camera man opening his mouth to try and contribute to this skit absolutely murdered it. Killed it.  Not in a good way.


Like hey kid your fucking Wisconsin accent sounds like the Count on Sesame street. Do the people of Wisconsin sound like Transylvanians to you? 


But aint that always the way in life? Some hanger-onner always trying to ride your fame.  Like this kid driving could have been a Youtube star, but he surrounded himself with the wrong kind of people, the kind of people who have absolutely no idea how un-funny they are...that's you camera man.  You un-funny prick.  I'm legitimately upset that you ruined this otherwise phenomenal video.  Asshole.

Welp, We've Lost Jennifer Anniston to the Crazy and Desperate Single Lady Side

(NewsCore) - Jennifer Aniston purchased a $4.95 million New York City penthouse in the name of her pet dog, the New York Observer reported Wednesday. The former "Friends" star bought three units in the West Village of Manhattan, on West 12 Street, in the name of Norman's Nest Trust. Norman is the actress' 15-year-old corgi-terrier mix, who is "great and adorable. He's a human being in a dog suit," she told MTV in 2008. In the fall of last year, Aniston reportedly began taking her constant companion to a special canine therapist to treat him for depression.

Oh Jennifer, no.  Poor Jennifer Aniston.  I had no idea it had gotten this bad, I figured we were a few years away from this point at worst.  This just makes you feel awful.

She has to have some kind of vicious STD just scaring men away, right? I mean I know it's gross to think about, but why else is every single man in Hollywood treating her like a leper?  Maybe it's time you start dating some older men, maybe some non-stars too, just people as desperate as yourself.

And I do mean desperate.  When you start buying condo's in your dogs name, referring to it as a human in a dog suit, and taking it to doggy psychologists, well, you're about two break ups and one more dateless walk down the Red Carpet from snapping and starting to collect cats like a crazy old lady on Animal Hoarders. 

No one wants to see it get to that point Jen. 

LSU Student Applies for Proper Burn Permits Before Holding A Flag Burning Demonstration, What a Tool

Fox News - A student’s plans to burn an American flag on the LSU campus were cut short Wednesday when thousands of combative counter demonstrators arrived on scene, prompting police to escort the student to safety. Crowds wearing red, white and blue and chanting “U-S-A” threw water balloons and ice at Benjamin Haas, a communication studies graduate student...Haas publicized the event on Facebook and obtained a permit for peaceful protest from the university, according to LSU Media Relations Director Ernie Ballard. But when he found out he also needed a burn permit from the city to set fire to a flag, he decided to read a statement instead – but the rival protesters still would not let up.

I'm in no way condoning burning the flag, it's as stupid a protest as you can do in my opinion (Oh, wow, look at that guy lighting our symbol on fire, lets go hang on his every word! Yea,  no thanks.).  But that said, if you're going to do it, you just go out and do it.  You don't go announcing that shit all over the place, applying for proper permits, getting the administrations permission and then advertising it on Facebook.  You just do it.  

Kind of hard to take you seriously as a radical social thinker when you went through all the proper bureaucratic channels before taking action.  There's nothing rebellious or thought provoking there.  Almost seems like you didn't really even want to do it, just wanted the attention.  

You think that guy in Egypt who lit himself on fire got Mubarak's permission and the Fire Marshall's ok before starting a revolution? Pretty sure he didn't.  Just woke up one day and lit himself on fire like a crazy person.  That's how you make a statement. 

Man's Face Impaled by Pole, Still Manages to Check Text Messages While Chilling in ER

Fox News - A Las Vegas man who fell asleep driving his car in Las Vegas last year, crashing into a chain-link fence and had a pole impale through his head, was recently reunited with the doctor who saved his life, Fox 5 News reported. When Andrew Linn first met Dr. Andrew Coates, an associate professor of surgery at University Medical Center, he was conscious – and trying to use his cell phone, which Coates said surprised him, considering he had a pole through his head. “It was amazing to see someone with a pipe through his face like that (who) is alive,” Coates said Tuesday. “Let alone someone who is awake and alert, and trying to communicate with us.”

I don't know why the doc was so surprised. Have you seen what people go through just to use their cell phones these days? We're a nation of addicts. You think the simple case of pole-impaled-through-face is going to stop this guy?  Probably wanted to show off to his friends, just got done MMS'ing that pic to everyone he knows.

Even myself, just at work, I've been known to actually go and pretend to take a shit.  Am I really taking a shit, well sometimes, yes, but most of the time no.  I'm tweeting the blog, checking the Twitter feed, seeing if anyone posted any cute pics of their kids or dogs on Facebook.  Do I go full out to cover that lie? You bet your ass I do.  I lay that protective layer down, drop trow, I even wipe when I get up, doesn't matter that I didn't shit, just got to cover my tracks to protect my cell phone use.

Of course, my plan was basically blown yesterday when I was sitting on the shitter catching up on Barstool and clicked a link that automatically started playing a video. Thanks a lot El Pres.  Had to chill for like 10 extra minutes in that stall, just making sure whoever was in there with me wasn't hanging out right outside the door to see who the weird fuck watching youtube videos in the handicap stall was. 

Free Gun with Air Conditioner Purchase in Florida!

Fox News - A struggling Florida electrical business is hoping to spark sales by offering a free 12-gauge shotgun with purchase, myfoxtampabay.com reports. The owners of United Electrical Systems in Plant City will be giving a free Remington model 870 12-gauge shotgun to customers who purchase an efficient air conditioning system installed by the company.  Toole and Harden are promoting the AC business, as well as their licensed gun shop, Shoot-N-Irons, right now in its early stages. "I'm not in this to make a political statement," Toole said. "I'm not in this to promote the NRA. I'm not in this to do anything, but promote my business." Some have questioned the gun giveaway. "I don't think a shotgun is something people need," said Erin Powers. "How about a grocery store gift certificate or Target, Walmart?"

So this is becoming kind of a standard thing now in hick/redneck states, huh? Buy a TiVo, get a gun in Montana, Florida, not wanting to be left in the dust steps it up a notch with its buy an AC get a shotgun deal. 

Shit, every asshole in Florida is going to be walking around packing gats n' stuff.  Who in Florida doesn't have an air conditioner? Maybe Grandparents because they're always cold anyway?

On the plus side the air conditioners may calm tempers in the state.  No one has ever been in the murdering mood while chilling in their icebox of a living room.  For me, personally, coming inside to a nice air conditioned living room, popping the top off a nice domestic light beer, well it just doesn't get any better than that.  Any pent up anger or feelings of wanting to shoot annoying neighbors or co-workers just melts away into the Freon chilled air.  

Of course that first rolling black out is going to be a bitch.  An entire state of cranky, sweaty, over heated people, pissed off about their lack of AC rolling around with Colt 45's.  Pretty much the most dangerous environment imaginable. 

Soccer Player Takes Vicious Kick to the Head During Sideline Interview

Still think soccer is all fun, games and pansy flopping, do you? How about this guy, taking a straight big toe to the head like a champ.  Bro is just trying to give a post game interview (hey how come foreign countries haven't caught onto the female sideline reporter?) and his own teammate blindsides him with some jujitsu shit.

Does he go down faking, clutching his knee? No. You know why? Because it didn't happen between the white lines.  We only dive during those 90  minutes we're between the chalk lines, engaged in a battle non-stop flopping and incessant bitching. Plus there was no advantage to be gained, that's what people don't get.  If he goes down flopping here he looks like a loser on national TV.  If he plays it off like its nothing but he'll have a small egg on the back of his head later? That's where the advantage is. Some groupie probably watching his post game interview just saw how tough he really is, and I have a feeling she'll be sitting front row next game.