First Lady Ms. Obama Fails Miserably at Jumping Jack World Record

Fox News - First lady Michelle Obama's initiative to end childhood obesity has brought a number of athletic events to the White House but Tuesday's was a bit different as she led around 400 kids in classic calisthenics, kicking off a Guinness World Record attempt for most jumping jacks. The first lady then joined the kids and led them in one minute of jumping jacks with more than 800 arms and 800 legs flying back-and-forth across the White House South Lawn. The group of White House jumpers was observed by an official from Guinness World Records. To break the record, more than 20,425 people from around the world will have to do jumping jacks for one minute.

Mother of god, will the White House please stop embarrassing us. You need 20,450 kids to set a world record you better go round up those 20,450 kids. You’re the freaking White House! You think Putin settles for this shit? No. He wants his mistress or wife to set a frivolous world record he kidnaps as many Chechen people as he needs and orders them to follow along under the penalty of the gulag.

Mean while we got President Obama letting his wife half ass shit and show up with about 1.9% of the required amount of people. I’m surprised the Guinness people even showed up, they’ve probably never been so insulted in their life.

I pray to god no one in the White House knew what the record was ahead of time, else wise this is just a miserable stain on our countries rich history of successful yet useless pursuits.

Study Finds: Fewer People Want to be the Boss

He certainly looks like he deserves a raise.

Boston - “Take This Job and Shove It” was a popular song in the late 1970s. Now there’s a 2011 variation on the same theme: “Take That Corner Office Job and Shove It.” Not to put too fine a point on it, a new survey finds that 76 percent of employees polled said they have no interest in having their boss’s job. The survey is from OfficeTeam, a division of the specialized staffing firm Robert Half International Inc. According to the survey, 76 percent of respondents said that they don’t covet their boss’s job, and 65 percent said that they didn’t think that they could do a better job than their boss.

People realize being in charge and making more money is a good thing, right? Like that’s the goal for a career. To achieve enough that people decide “hey that guy knows what he’s doing, we should give him more money and extra weeks of vacation.” Like, gee I wonder why our economy is going to shit and people are camping out in tents complaining about rich people…guys, the goal is to become those rich people. Don’t turn down the corner office, embrace it.

Of course, what motivation do people have to go for the corner office when the government will probably force your company to give you a raise for absolutely nothing at all:

Boston Herald - The Boston City Council will use its bully pulpit to try to convince Massport to increase the wages of employees at companies who do business at Logan International Airport — some who earn minimum wage — while nearly a quarter of Massport staff earned $100,000 or more last year. President Stephen Murphy argue that the Massachusetts Port Authority should enforce the city’s living wage ordinance, which requires city contractors to pay workers a minimum of $15.27 per hour.

I mean, hey if the City is offering to pay you $15 an hour just to pick up and put down bags, then why bother going for that promotion, right? Don't worry about working hard to get ahead, just sit on your thumbs and complain a little bit and wait for some overzealous city council man or woman who probably has a son or nephew making minimum wage at the airport, to lobby for a raise for you...It's the American way.

I feel like I'm underpaid at this blog (I know I'm underpaid at this blog), is anyone in our State legislature going to lobby on behalf of underpaid bloggers?

Family Lost in Danvers Corn Maze, Husband Shamefully Calls 911

Couple, infant rescued from Danvers corn maze: MyFoxBOSTON.com

Boston - One family got more mystery than they bargained for when they took an outing to a corn maze -- they got lost among the stalks as it got dark and needed the police to get them out, the owner said. Around 6:35 p.m., Danvers police received a call from a family who couldn’t find their way out of the seven-acre corn maze at Connor’s Farm in Danvers, and were getting nervous because it was dark. A police officer and K-9 unit quickly located the family. “We design the maze so that people get lost,” said Bob Connors, owner of the farm. Though the farm closes at 6 p.m., they let guests continue to walk around the maze past closing time, and farm staff attends the maze until the last guest has left, Connors said. “We don’t like to rush people out of the maze. We like to give people their money’s worth,” Connors said. “I’m sure they won’t be the last family who gets lost in there.”

"Corn Mazes, About All the Fun A Guy Can't Have."

First of all, lets clear one thing up, no one ever has gotten their money's worth at a corn maze. It's just not possible. If I wanted to get lost amongst tall objects for a couple hours I'd just stroll around some part of the city I'm unfamiliar with and get lost with all the tall buildings. I don't need to pay $15 bucks to stroll through your farm and see countless ears of corn.

Second of all, what the hell was this husband doing? Dude, you let your wife call 911? What is wrong with you? It's a freaking corn maze, walk through corn stalks (stocks?). You realize that's an option, right?

I went to a corn maze last year, one of the worst days of my life, spent like two hours walking around in circles, we finally just gave up and walked out...that's the thing about corn mazes, you can finish whenever you want. You don't have to follow the path, you can just walk between the rows, it's not like these things are laced with barbed wire or anything.

Just a humiliating story for men everywhere, making us all look bad dude.

Occupy Boston Protesters Complaining About Unwarranted Arrest Have Lost Their Minds

Boston - All afternoon at the Dewey Square encampment occupiers would relay the latest gossip between camps like town criers warning of an impending attack. "Police are forming on High Street!" one would yell and then relay throughout the growing encampment. The tension was growing by the hour... Midnight came and went but there was a growing public safety presence in the area...Then at approximately 1:20 am a large column of riot police marched from outside South Station up Atlantic Ave. The crowd roared variations of "Who do you protect who do you serve!" and "This is what democracy looks like" as the cops marched up the street. At 1:40 am the police barreled through the first line of defense the occupiers put up, an old veterans group carrying flags known as Veterans for Peace. While officers began arresting occupiers and tearing down tents they kept pushing others back, sometimes throwing them to the ground. People were screaming and yelling stupid nonsense at the police but most complied, albeit angrily...Within twenty minutes the park was clear of protesters and DPW workers were throwing the remains of the camp into garbage trucks...On the other hand this may further cloud what the occupy movement is about. They may draw more people to their events due to anger at the police but that isn't really what they want. They want to get whatever their message is out to more people and their message involves high powered bankers and government officials, not police officers. 

 I edited and cut and paste the above so if you want to get the whole story please click the link, I may not agree with the group, but I'm not trying to censor their side of the story...

That said, I cannot even tell you how many "activists" I saw linking this story on Facebook and Twitter yesterday complaining of "unwarranted arrests" and "police brutality."  I've seen the videos. I don't agree with how physical some of the police officers were, but I don't blame them either. 

I don't know where the Occupiers get off complaining of unwarranted arrests, I really don't. 1. You're occupying public property with out proper permit, they can technically give you the boot whenever they want to. 2) You're trespassing by being there that late, its a public park, I don't know the exact hours, but I'm guessing by 1 AM, you're there after the stated hours of use. And 3) I learned through experience in college, you have the right to peacefully assemble, but the minute one or two of your "occupiers" spit, toss trash, verbally assault, or physically act out, your whole group has ceased to "peacefully" assemble. Yes, 1 or 2 people can ruin it for the whole group. If the police make that determination, that this has switched from a peaceful assembly to a non-peaceful one, they're going to disperse you. If you continue to disobey, plan on being arrested, plan on a show of force, but for godsakes don't cry about it.  

All day long tweets to #occupyboston had borderline been cheery about the potential for a mass-arrest for your civil  disobediance, people practically bragging about the chance for the largest arrest in Massachusetts history. Then when it actually happens everyone's so quick to claim it wasn't fair, illegal, or brutality. Give me a break, you've officially lost me at that point. Cops are there to protect and serve you but they also serve the rest of the city, and its property too. If they determine enough is enough, they're going to act, everyone there should understand the circumstances of their protest and the reality that with that many people all gathered in one spot, someone is going to ruin it for everyone, and at that point, your little peace parade is over.

NY Man Rides Subway from the Outside (Video)

"He Crawlin', He Ridin' Dirty"

Truer words have never been spoken. Best part of all this is the guy trying to sell it like he's seen this all the time "it's a sport," "he works for the city."

Umm, I've never heard of the sport, and I'm pretty sure that's not how city subway inspectors do their job.

What happened here is he made that platform as the train was closing its doors, the sassy black female conductor (not being racist, its just a fact that 90% of subway drivers are sassy black women) definitately saw him and said screw it, and decided to take off, as they always do. He didn't want to wait. Probably had a Hungry Man at home with his name on it, and he did what any reasonable person would do, stepped on to the foot ledge and hung on for dear life.

We need more citizens with a go-getter attitude like this.

Florida's Phantom School Pooper is in Custody...Everyone Breathe

Ocala - Police have arrested a man who they believe has defecated in front of a middle school classroom at least five times since early last month. Also in the interview, Sarsony told detectives details about each incident, including the handwritten notes he left behind, Bowman said. In one episode, the detective noted, a pair of women's thong underwear, a note and feces were left behind.Armed with toilet paper, the man was seen arriving at the classroom at 4:32 a.m. before leaving three minutes later. It appears he was spooked and left. But, he was back in a minute and while there, defecated on the ground. The video shows him leaving at 4:41 a.m.

What's up with this guy? I mean I'm disturbingly curious about what was written on these pamphlets or notes or whatever he was leaving behind (I like to think it was a turd based poem or riddle, like a villain in Batman), but more so than that, why was this guy taking diggers at 4:45 AM? 

I've never once woke up at 4 AM and thought, "man I've just gotta squeeze out this heater then I can get back to bed." Piss, sure, piss is understandable. I can practically navigate to the bathroom, open the seat, take a leak and get myself back to bed without even opening my eyes, that's just second nature. But dropping deuces is a whole other thing. 

Maybe you wanna check on your late night diet bro, I know eating big meals late can make me have weird nights sleep, all kinds of bizarro dreams, maybe you're sleep shitting? Gotta be something like that because I just don't see this guy cop'ing a crazy plea. The dude brought his own toilet paper, a crazy person for sure wouldn't do that. Prob just drop trow, dump out and move right on into the night.