PBR IS NOT JUST FOR HIPSTERS

Urban Dictionary - 1. Pabst Blue Ribbon is a lot like the band Bright Eyes, Hipsters love it, but everyone else thinks its liquid shit.

 

This shit pisses me off to no end, I'm so sick and tired of Hipsters claiming ownership of the Blue Ribbon, fuck you guys. You don't own PBR, everyone, and I mean everyone in my college used to slug PBR's on the weekends, cheaper than your big 3 (bud, miller, coors), but better tasting than your average swill (keystone and natty), it was the just right choice for a night of getting blitzed in the dorms, it was awesome.

Only problem now is whenever I order one at a bar or pickup a pack at the store I get these looks like, "wait, where's your official uniform? you're not wearing horned rimmed glasses, plaid, ratty canvas shoes, or some kind of ironic shirt/cardigan combo." No, I'm fucking not, how very observant of you. I'm buying this because I enjoy its taste and price combination, not buying it to be ironic, or make a statement about beers. I'm buying it because A) It won a blue ribbon, I don't see other beers celebrating any of their awards on the actual can, and B) It reminds me of getting shitfaced with my friends in college and doing things like mattress surfing down the hallways. 

I'm fairly certain if one Hipster saw me ordering a PBR that'd be it, the end of the whole scene, things would instantly go back to normal.  They'd see me all casual on the weekend in my Old Navy T-shirt, or maybe right after work in the outfit I grabbed from Kohls, and be like "oh shit, this isn't ironically cool anymore." That's all it'll take, one corporate middle manager, living out a dull, boring existence in his cube every day, ordering up one Pabst and the movement would be over.

Unfortunately, it may be a while before that happens because I have no idea where Hipsters go for their beverages...probably some abandoned underground laundromat that they've illegal converted into a Speakeasy or some shit...I'll tell you where I won't be seeing them, at TGI Fridays with the after work crowd grabbing a beer.

And PS: Don't even think of Occupying The High Life next...I've got that on my resume as well.

English Teacher at a Malden Charter School Previously Acted in Films Starring All Male Casts...Nude, All Male Casts

My Fox Boston - Kevin Hogan is an English teacher and crew coach at a top-rated Massachusetts public high school, but he brings some unusual experience to the job: until recently, he was starring in pornographic movies. Hogan has worked at the Mystic Valley Regional Charter School in Malden since September. In addition to his coaching and teaching duties, he also chairs the high school's English department. But he can also be found on the Internet and in adult entertainment stores under his screen name: Hytch Cawke. His movie credits include "Fetish World" and "Just Gone Gay 8," and FOX Undercover found his third movie, whose title is not fit to reveal in a family news outlet, in a local adult store. It features him answering an ad to have sex for money. "Hi, I'm Hytch and I just answered the ad and now I'm here to see what it's like to be with a guy," he says to the camera.

I used to think being an investigative reporter on a news show was probably one of the more awesome jobs you could get...Not anymore.  I'm not sure where in the job description it states "occasionally may be required to view hardcore gay porn in the newsroom," but it sounds like that's exactly what we've got going on here, and that's kind of where I draw the line.

Plus my journalistic accountability would be shot, I'm just not sure I'd be able to look a dude in the eye while interviewing him, if just 30 minutes before me, my camera man, and my producers just sat down with a pen and a notepad and watched this guy get pounded in the ass. It's hard to come back from that and look at a person the same. Maybe that just means I wouldn't cut it as a journalist, I don't know. 

PS: As always I'll ask, how did people find out about this? Some parent or fellow faculty member perusing their local Amazing's video section?

Kidnapper Who Paid His Hostages is Doing it All Wrong

Fox - Can there be no trust between a kidnapper and his hostages? A man who held a Kansas couple hostage in their home while fleeing from authorities is suing them, claiming that they broke an oral contract made when he promised them money in exchange for hiding him from police. The couple has asked a judge to dismiss the suit. "I, the defendant, asked the Rowleys to hide me because I feared for my life. I offered the Rowleys an unspecified amount of money which they agreed upon, therefore forging a legally binding oral contract," Dimmick said in his hand-written court documents. He wants $235,000, in part to pay for the hospital bills that resulted from him being shot by police when they arrested him.

Umm, hey bro, I think you're doing it wrong...YOU'RE THE KIDNAPPER! You don't pay your hostages, they pay you for their release, do you get it? You're like the worst criminal I've ever heard of...Who lambs it from a violent criminal charge, kidnaps a family, and then offers to pay them for their hospitality? What the fuck, did you confuse their house with a Motel 6? Come on guy. Your first clue should have been when Mr. Rowley didn't ask you for a tip for showing you to your room.

Yea, it would have been nice if the Rowley's held up their part of the bargain, frankly I find the lack of accountability and follow through in America these days appalling, but you've got to expect it at this point. It's par for the course. It's not like you got a receipt for the bill of services, or a contract or anything, this day in age you're just begging to be ripped off without those. We're not living in the golden age of kidnapping anymore, hostages just getting Stockholm Syndrome the second they set eyes on your and shit.  We're living in the age of CYA, cover your ass. Which as good advice as ever for you right now...have fun in prison.

Sox Hire Bobby Valentine, Not John Valentin

Boston - Robert John Valentine will be the 45th manager of the Boston Red Sox, the team selecting him within the last few hours. No contract is in place. But Mike Lynch of Channel 5 is reporting that the Red Sox have a "verbal agreement" with Valentine to be their next manager. Major league sources told Globe colleague Nick Cafardo just prior to that report that Valentine would be the next manager but a deal was not done.

So we’re really hiring Bobby Valentine, huh? Not gonna go with my advice and check into John Valentin? I mean, I checked out his resume, the guy’s available, he’s the hitting instructor for the Albuquerque Isotopes…being an assistant coach for a made up minor league team from the Simpsons is the definition of availalable...

And trust me, that makes him more than qualified after someone of the schmos the sox interviewed this off season, I mean, Dale Sveum? Let me break down his managerial highlights:

You don't have to guess, He Was Out.

 And Then...

Dale Sveum's managerial career.

Crickets. No offense Dale, there's just not much there.

And bobby valentine? Hey you seem like a nice , personable guy, but aren’t you the same one who’s been playing parachutes or whatever the hell you guys are doing over there, in Japan for the last decade and making random appearnces on TBS? And aren’t you the same guy who was giddy telling everyone how well Daisuke's skills will translate to the MLB?

Maybe I’m being too hard, on him, who knows? I kinda just wish they went outside the box and didn’t go for some retread who’s washed out to some foreign country that measures how many miles per hour someone's fastball is in Kilometers, it just doesn't make sense. I'll tell you who sure as hell doesn't measure Miles per hour in kilometers, John Valentin (I'd also have accept Scott Cooper or Tim Naehring).

Despite Pussification of Current NFL Rules, Ndamukong Suh uses Thanksgiving to demonstrate What a “Dirty” Player is.

2 games isn't that bad, Ndamukong Suh. If you did that in public, it would be Assault and Battery.

I’ve had this discussion with friends and family members before, and I was always rebuffed with comments like, “He plays smash mouth football, its great somebody these days does.” Or “He’s a pass rusher dude, he’s supposed to play that way.” This is me standing on my soap box with a smug smile filled with satisfaction declaring emphatically, “I told you so.” Unless you are the least American person in the country and were not watching Packers vs Lions on Thanksgiving 2011, you bore witness to Mr. Suh, greatly offended when an offensive lineman touched his helmet, decided that an appropriate response to the situation was to spear his assailant (who was lying on the ground) in the bicep with his spikes.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I think Roger Goodell, in his Napoleonic-like crusade to maintain player safety in an intrinsically violent sport, has massively pussified serious aspects of the sport. Pass rushers, like Suh, have to hit quarterbacks within .000125 seconds of them releasing the ball or get hit with a 15 yard “Roughing the Passer” bullshit call (As much as I love you, Tom Brady, this is partially your fault due to your irate gesticulations and furious berating of officials over the years every time anyone hit you in the pocket.) Members of any secondary cannot so much as fart near an opposing receiver without drawing some type of penalty (This one is 100 % Saint Dungy’s fault for his endless bitching that his receivers were “man-handled” AKA his team got their ass whooped in the 2004 AFC Title game.)

But as Albert Haynesworth 2.0…uh, I mean Ndamukong Suh proved on a national scale, his complete disregard for other player’s well-being and visceral reactions to contentious moments on the field have entrenched him in the “dirty” category of football players. His emphatic claims that his job is to “hurt people” are evidence of his misguided notion of what the job description of a defensive player in the NFL is supposed to entail. The objective, in my mind, of a defensive player is to prevent the offensive player/team from scoring. This can be done in any number of ways, including tackling the ball carrier, intercepting a pass, or forcing and recovering a fumble. At no point in any of those objectives is the deliberate sabotage of another player’s physical faculty included. Do injuries happen in the course of game? Yes, absolutely. I am not so deluded as to think that players should never get hurt during the course of an NFL game. These guys are the best athletes in the world and are hurling themselves at each other at top speed with unfathomable strength. The chances that something twists the wrong way are fairly high. And if this happens during the course of what a player is supposed to be doing, well, shit happens.

But a deliberate stomp with the sharpened metal end of your footwear onto a man’s unexposed arm? What if that had been his wrist and he went out for the rest of the regular season? An NFL player’s livelihood and ability to do his job is almost entirely dependent on his physical health, and absolutely no player has the right, Suh included, to purposefully and spitefully take that from another player regardless of the nature of the sport. I actually like Suh when he plays the game the right way. He has the strength of a bull elephant, and he plays with a tenacity matched by few others in the league these days. But at the same time, he has the unrestrained emotionality and petulant reasoning that plagues many immature players, and his most recent offense coupled with his past instances of placing an oversized toe over the line have firmly entrenched him, at least for me, within the realm of a “dirty player.” Whether Suh attempts to reform this image or embrace it and deal with the sanctions that this type of style typically brings from the league office is up to him. For now though, I’ll enjoy calling him “Stompin’ Suh” until I can come up with a funnier name for him (or someone else does, then I can shamelessly steal it and pretend it’s my own material.)

P.S This might be an Alt Tab first, but I made it through an entire rant without using the word "fuck." Well, until right there. In any case, props to me for being civil for at least one entry.

China Stealing All My Good Ideas, To Eliminate Useless College Majors

WSJ - Much like the U.S., China is aiming to address a problematic demographic that has recently emerged: a generation of jobless graduates. China’s Ministry of Education announced this week plans to phase out majors producing unemployable graduates, according to state-run media Xinhua. The government will soon start evaluating college majors by their employment rates, downsizing or cutting those studies in which the employment rate for graduates falls below 60% for two consecutive years. The surge of collge grads, while an accomplishment for the country, has contributed to an overflow of workers whose skill-sets don’t match with the needs of the export-led, manufacturing-based economy. Many university professors in China are unhappy with the Ministry of Education’s move, as it will likely shrink the talent pool needed for various subjects, such as biology, that are critical to the country’s aim of becoming a leader in science and technology but do not currently have a strong market demand, a report in the state-run China Daily report said.

Now more certain than ever that China is hacking my e-mail account because I had a word for word e-mail chain a few weeks ago about this very subject, right as the Occupy Boston movement was heating up and college students were starting to complain that their Roman Art History majors weren't getting them employed. Fucking China, stealing nearly all of my million dollar ideas.

On a more serious note though, the US should probably consider something similar to this, maybe not cutting majors entirely, but how about incentives for students who choose majors that might actually lead to gainful employment, as opposed to British literature majors, Anthropology, "English majors" (I put that in quotes because there is no bigger cop-out...we've spoken English since Kindegarten, how about challenging yourself), etc... 

And figure it out fast, because right now, China still has it messed up, cutting Biology majors in favor of factory workers is just nonsense.

My Blog Game Will Be So Much Hotter After I Get this for Christmas

So here's the deal, basically you guys are getting the dregs of my ideas on a daily basis. The 10% of stuff I manage to remember when I get home, only watered down because I didn't just write down the first rant or commentary that popped in my head, so instead you end up with some bizarro blog that I've been brainstorming, internally, with myself all day...and I'm my own worst editor. No one takes a funny idea and waters it down into some long winded piece of shit quite like me.

To fix this, I legitimately asked for one of those tiny notebooks that come with a pen inside for Christmas (I specified that the pen cannot be sold separately, has to be a package deal), I lose 90% of all good ideas I have, because I have nothing to write them down on...plus, I'm way funnier when I'm thinking of the stuff off the top of my head, or at least that's what I tell myself, I always give myself a chuckle when its the first time I think of something. 

So, post Christmas, watch out Blog world, I'll be coming on strong (either that or I'll just be a grown man with a journal that contains ravings about bathroom stall use, road rage, and fluorescent lighting in my cube, we'll see). 

Memo To Prince William: You're A Prince, Take it Easy on the Action Hero Stuff

Daily Mail - The Duke of Cambridge helped pluck two shipwrecked sailors from a raging sea in a dramatic rescue, but five other crewmen were missing feared drowned last night. Prince William’s RAF search and rescue helicopter was scrambled in the early hours yesterday after the 267ft Swanland sank with its cargo of 3,000 tons of limestone after being hit by a massive wave off the North Wales coast. He was co-piloting the Sea King in 50mph winds as the crew from his base, RAF Valley in Anglesey, spotted the second officer and a crewmate in the sea and winched them to safety.

What an arse, being a Prince isn't enough, you've gotta be some kind of super hero too? Come on guy, leave the rescuing people routine to the rest of us simple folk who didn't grow up in Buckingham Palace, and haven't had British girls aged 13-55 fantasizing about us since the time we were like 12 and grew our first chin hairs. The fuck man. Go do Prince things, smile, wave, cut checks to things like "Save a Baby Seal foundation" or something, this is just overkill, and frankly, us normal folk are sick of it. 

Don't get me wrong, we're glad you saved that person, we just don't need you piloting the helicopter, it's probably hard enough being English and competing with a Royal Family for the non-bucktoothed girls of England, never mind having to deal with Rambo-Prince and his Ginger Brother.

8 Year Old Taken from Parents for Being Gigantic Fatso.

Fox News - An eight-year-old Ohio boy who weighs more than 200 pounds was taken from his family last month and placed in foster care after social workers said his mother was not doing enough to control his weight, The Plain Dealer reported. The third grader is considered severely obese by the standards of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, putting him at risk of developing diseases like diabetes and hypertension. The boy was taken out of his home on Oct. 19, according to The Plain Dealer. He is currently in foster care, and his mother can see him once a week for two hours. The case will be heard in court next month, The Plain Dealer reported. Cuyahoga County officials who were monitoring the child's health said the child's weight was caused by his environment and his mother was ignoring doctor's orders on food and exercise, the newspaper reported.

I don’t know where in Ohio this took place, but it must have been in the most rural area imaginable, because I can for sure tell you that any state health inspector that took one step inside your average White Hen pantry and saw the lard-ass innercity youths that reside at their candy counter, would have a fucking field day just shipping these tubby-tweens off to Ben Stillers fat camp.

Legit, I thought shit was bad back when I was 9 and was running a mean $2 tab with my local Ice Cream truck driver because of my borderline dependence on airheads and Sugardaddy’s (anyone who ever told you they knew the flavor of the white “mystery flavor" airhead was full of shit, no one knew, not even the makers, that’s why they never told us what it was), but that’s nothing compared to the fatso's today. I was legit in the store one time picking up an Arnie Palmer tall boy and some tubby actually asked me if he could have a dollar to buy candy. That’s how bad it is, 300 lb kids walking around with diabeetus so bad Walter Brimley would be proud, asking complete strangers to buy them candy. Shits crazy.

So what I'm saying is...I honestly forget what I'm saying here...But kids today are FAT, and if we're going to take this one kid away, we've got to take 'em all away.

Wilson Chandler is like the Chinese Michael Jordan...He's Also Stuck There for Life.

Yahoo - The Chinese Basketball Association is showing no inclination to let unhappy NBA players out of their contracts for the 2011-12 season, and will likely mandate they not receive clearance letters to return to the NBA until the Chinese season ends in March, sources told Yahoo! Sports. Wilson Chandler, Kenyon Martin, J.R. Smith and Aaron Brooks are the four top NBA players under contract in China, and several sources involved in those contract entanglements said escape clauses won’t be allowed with the impending end of the NBA lockout. Team officials have prepared for the possibility some players could try to force their way out of deals, but their contracts give teams the latitude to fine and suspend players without pay. Chinese teams invested heavily when they signed NBA players, also providing hotel suites, personal drivers and chefs to make the players more comfortable. “They can play, get paid [in China] and return to the NBA in March,” one Chinese team official said. “Or they can not get paid, and return to the NBA in March.” “If they think that they’re going to make things difficult, not play, create problems, what’s going to happen is that the teams will not release their letters of clearance they’ll need to sign in the NBA,” a Chinese Basketball Association official told Yahoo! Sports. “There’s no way out.” So far, Chandler – averaging 33 points for the Zhejiang Guangsha Lions – has been the most dominant player in the Chinese Basketball Association. On and off the floor, Chandler has required far less maintenance than his two former Nuggets teammates. Smith has constantly clashed with Zhejiang Chouzhou Golden Bulls officials since arriving in China.

Memo to David Stern: This is how you running a professional basketball league filled with hoodlums. With an iron fucking fist. Quotes like "They can play, get paid and return to the NBA in March, or they can not get paid and return to the NBA in March," and "There's no way out," are exactly what you needed to be throwing around during that lockout. Bullying is the only thing these fellas respond to, and yes you eventually broke their will, but it took like 6 months, I wouldn't exactly pat myself on the back after China figured out to handle 2 of your biggest malcontents (JR, Kenyon) in like 3 weeks of playing time.

And Wilson Chandler, maybe you should just stay in the Land of China...I mean 33 pts a night is nothing to sneeze at, bro, not for nothing, but you half suck over here. Not suck like you have no skill, but on a relative scale in the NBA kind of suck, decent but by no means a star worthy of teams putting you up in hotels, and driving you around in limos for your pick of the Geishas type stuff.  I don't know what the fuck is wrong with ya boy JR, but if I were you guys I'd 100% stay and live like kings.

Free hotels, free drivers, probably rolling in complimentary Peking Duck from adoring fans. You'll never have to pay for living arrangements, transportation, or food again (as long as you like Peking Duck). They'll almost certainly make a bootleg version of SpaceJam starring you (getting Mugsy Bogues might be tough, but I'm sure there's plenty of dark skinned asians around his height over there), and $3 million salary goes a long way over there, you could own half a country side of rice pattys and a small Mongol family to plow it for you. Yea, you guys should definitely stay...

PS: How excited are the citizens of Denver with JR and Kenyon out of the country? There's no way in hell they're being allowed back here, I'm 90% certain the NBA is supplementing their Chinese salary as we speak, just begging Chinese officials not to deport them.

Double PS: Rapid Fire, 3 Really Strange Things About that Picture Above:

1. Kenyon and JR played together on Denver for a number of season, this is the only picture of the two on google images together...not one chest bump photo, primal scream duette photo, 15 step hand shake photo, or photo of the two mugging some innocent person in a downtown Denver mall...mildly shocking, do they not like each other, or prefer not to be photo'd together to throw off Denver Vice cops?

2. I don't know what this man is possibly giving these two individuals an award for, outside of "most offensive looking tattoo's to white people by NBA teammates," so that's what we're going to assume it is.

3. Up until right now, I assumed both Kenyon and JR only owned shirts showing off the aforementioned tattoos. Kenyon, in particular, has never looked more out of place. Someone get my man an XXL cut-off white t-shirt, stat.

Keira Knightley a "Good Sport" About being Spanked Naked in New Movie

Michael Fassbender got more than he anticipated when he signed on to play Dr. Carl Jung in David Cronenberg’s “A Dangerous Method.” Not only did he get to take Keira Knightley’s incredibly crazed character Sabina Spielrein under his wing for some severe psychoanalysis, but he got to spank her naked – several times over. It seems that part of the filming experience was anything but a turn on. “(Those scenes) are always awkward, but Keira is a good sport! She’s got a good sense of humor, but I had to make sure I hit the mark and not her ass,” Fassbender told FOX411’s Pop Tarts column. “But they are always awkward those kind of things, but you just have to get on with it.”

I'll  take "Keira is a good sport," to mean that she was cool with this guy undoubtedly poking her naval with his boner while he had her bent over naked and was spanking her...that's what that means, right? 

Love how this guy tried to play it off like it was all awkward for him and what not...How fast do you think this guy called his agent to get him this part after he read the scenes where he was spanking a naked Keira Knightley bent over his lap? .3 Seconds? Probably the first time in history someone used speed dial on their cell phone, screw the two seconds it takes to find someone in your contacts app, this guy hit *1 and was on his way to the studio to audition immediately.

Call Center Employees Riot after Mall Sells out of Blackberry's

Fox - Thousands of people in Indonesia reportedly lined up Friday morning to try and get their hands on the first batch of BlackBerry Bold 9790 smartphones to hit store shelves around the world. Hundreds of police were deployed to the Indonesian mall as fears mounted that a riot could ensue, according to a report by the Associated Press. By Friday morning, people outside of the mall started to get impatient and even started rattling the gates, the Associated Press said. When rumors hit that the smartphones were sold out, the crowd of 3,000 went nuts. While the Associated Press notes several people fainted in the mob, it did not report whether there were any injuries or deaths.

DO NOT get between a call center employee and their cell phone...That's the lesson here.  And imagine if this was an Iphone we were talking about? If this is how they react to Blackberry's, I shudder the thought. Might be better off not releasing the Iphone there ever if this is the case, because that shit will sell out and people will be murdered...Guys relax, its just a Blackberry, they're all the same, an awesome keyboard and outdated technology. You can buy the model from 2 years ago and won't miss a thing, I swear.

Top 10 Things I Did at Work on Black Friday

CW at about 6 PM Friday

So if you're following me on Twitter (and let's be honest, I know you're not, but you should) you had front row seats as I live Tweeted my way through the official 4th least productive work day of the year (1. Day after Christmas, 2 and 3. first Thursday and Friday of March Madness 4. Black Friday), just a blow by blow stream of tweets detailing a procrastinator at the top of his game...But since most of you aren't following me on Twitter, here's a brief summary of the Top 10 Things I did at Work on Black Friday:

1. Cleared My E-Mail box out - this took all of 10 minutes, it was easily the most "work friendly" task I completed all day.

2. E-mailed the Maestro on the plight of our working conditions and checked up on our daily levels of antipathy towards our respective jobs, good news, all time highs!

3. Twittered...A LOT. - So much so that my battery ran down to empty before lunch. Had to go ask a co-worker if I could borrow his charger just so I could get through the day, made up some story about forgetting to plug in the phone last night and streaming music on Pandora, because lets be honest, you can't just walk around the office telling people you've been working so hard on your twitter game that your phone's battery died at 11:30 AM

4. TGI-Fridays for an extra long lunch consisting of a burger, a couple beers, and a good chunk of the LSU-Arkansas game. I think if my work knew they had the choice of either paying me for overtime, or extended lunches watching college football, they'd probably defer to overtime. But they don't know, and don't have the choice.

those two spikes? Weds and Fri.

5. Checked out my Klout score - My Klout score went through the roof Wednesday and Friday, and I can't help but notice that it directly correlates to my lack of actual productivity at work...I like that if HR ever calls me about the fact that I contributed exactly 0 to the company over those two days, I'll at least have evidence that I really was doing something, it just wasn't an employer friendly something, that's all.

6. The Wikipedia "Random Article" Button - Which was fun for like 45 minutes until it brought me to this: Dyke March. Maybe its time for Wikipedia to get two different random article buttons, one safe for work and one NSFW (note, its ok if you're at work and click it, just don't scroll down beneath the opening shot like I did). Kind of put damper on the Random Article button for me.

7. Watched the Hockey game streaming on NBC.com - My company blocks every streaming service you can think of, somehow all 12 or so males in the office on Friday figured out we could stream the Bruins game live, though...It was a Black Friday Miracle!

8. Regretted those beers from lunch - I spent the hour of 3 PM - 4 PM debating whether I could get away with sleeping under my cube, George Costanza style. Ultimately I decided not to...I was the highest ranking member of my group in the office that day, it just wouldn't set a good precedent...Twitter all day and watching live sports on my computer is one thing, but I draw the line at actually sleeping in the office.

9. Walked Around with an Especially Hurried and Important Gate To Fill Up My Water Bottle - A specialty of mine, I'll just storm out of my cube with a ridiculously serious face on and a walking pace that could only be described as "faking being annoyed and overworked." It's so over the top its obvious, yet somehow it works...as long as my team members see the appearance of me working hard, they'll work harder...Which of course allows me to slack off, because they're doing all the work.

10. Took 5-6 bathroom breaks throughout the day...Just posted up in the handicap stall and browsed Facebook updates of people I haven't talked to since highschool...A large majority of you are freaking nuts, battling the Black Friday crowds...Sure I'm saying this as a guy that was hiding in a bathroom stall playing with my phone, but still.  Also, twice my breaks were interrupted by people just puking their brains out in the stalls next to me. Are people getting shitfaced at family Thanksgiving now? Is that a thing?

Fran Drescher's Ex-Husband of 21 Years Claims He's Got the Gay

Fox News - ‘Being Wendy’ is a delightful children’s book all about a little girl named Wendy who doesn’t fit in with everyone else in her hometown. It’s written by Fran Drescher, who said she based the fable on her childhood growing up in Flushing, Queens. The sitcom star also has a new show on TV Land called ‘Happily Divorced’ that's also based on Drescher’s personal life. In it she plays a florist named (what else?) Fran, who juggles the dating scene after finding out that her husband of 18 years is gay. The show is co-produced by Peter Marc Jacobson, Drescher’s ex-husband of 21 years, who is also gay.

Hate to break it to Frannie here, but the dude was never gay. Like you’re Fran Drescher, after 21 years he just had to get out…It’s nothing personal, its just your voice is annoying as fuck. Its more likely he was deaf the last 21 years than into cock and balls, but he just needed an amicable excuse to part ways with you. 

You actually seem like a pretty cool person, its too bad about your voice and all, and that’s probably all this guy was thinking…Wouldn’t shock me in the least after he got over all the honey moon sex and what not if he was thinking of ways to let you down easy from the start. Guy’s probably been mulling potential outs for 20 years without breaking your heart…I’d wager he’s debated coming out as gay at least once a month for the last 20 years. Just weighing whether it was worth it or not, until one day, probably made you laugh over brunch and he just lost it. Finally nutted up and just told you he’s gay. Like George on Seinfeld (not that there's anything wrong with that). Just came right out with it in some desperate attempt to put an end to his misery.

If there really were two Fran Drescher's, the world would cease to exist.

Rule No. 1 When Sleeping With Strippers: Don't Let them Steal Your Sprem and Make Babies With It

Fox News - A New York man was stunned to find out that his four-year-old twins were not an accidental pregnancy after all -- but that his desperate girlfriend secretly stashed away his sperm and used it for an in-vitro procedure, he charges in a lawsuit. Joseph Pressil, 36, was not planning on having children with Anetria Burnett, with whom he was in a relationship for six months in 2007, he said. So she took matters into her own hands, he told the New York Post, in order to remain in his Texas house and make a legal bid for half of his possessions. "A gold digger is an understatement. She was trying to get community property and alimony. She's ruthless," he said. "We always used condoms," he said. But when a DNA test proved him to be the father, Pressil said he began paying $800 a month in child support. "She was taking [the semen in condoms] after the fact and running down to the clinic with it," said Jason Gibson, who is representing Pressil in his suit. He now has joint custody. The fertility clinic's manager simply assumed he and his ex were married when she got the successful in-vitro fertilization procedure that resulted in the birth of the twins, his suit says. Pressil then said he confronted Burnett, an exotic dancer, who allegedly told him, "Oh you're not stupid. I thought you knew."

I think there's a couple lessons in all this...1) A 6 month relationship with a stripper that you're banging isn't a relationship, its called a long-con. I bet this guy thinks waitresses and customer service girls are hitting on him too...what an idiot.  The day you start hanging out with a stripper you have to have your guard up. That girl is strictly after your cash, you really think after being like the 10,000th guy to hit on her she decided that you seemed like a nice enough guy to fuck for free? Putting aside the fact that you apparently regularly hang out at the strip club for dinner? Yea, no buddy. 

And 2) IF you're going to engage a stripper in coitous, most definitely use a spermicidal condom. Frankly, I didn't even know they made non-spermicidal ones, or why such a device would exist, it just seems counterintuitive, but its something you have to look out for I guess...Although I still say you should have known something was up when, instead of throwing your used rubber in the trash she was skedaddling out to her car and  burning rubber in her 1988 Monte Carlo SS to the clinic...that didn't throw you at all? A stripper speeding down the street with her arm out the window, used condom and fresh spunk flapping in the wind?

Occupiers Urge Boycott of Black Friday...Fat Chance.

Fox News - Occupy Wall Street-inspired protesters are eyeing a new target -- Target. And dozens of other companies. A campaign under the name "Occupy Black Friday" is trying to enlist supporters to boycott just about every major retailer, and quite a few mid-sized ones, the day after Thanksgiving. The protesters are casting a wide net, urging people to demonstrate against the top retail stores -- a list that includes everything from Wal-Mart to Target to Dick's Sporting Goods to Dollar Tree. "The idea is simple, hit the corporations that corrupt and control American politics where it hurts, their profits," the group's Facebook page reads, describing Black Friday as the "one day where the mega-corporations blatantly dictate our actions." 

BAAHHAHAHAHAHA...You guys are just messing with us now, right? Like you're trolling us? The occupiers are trying to reason with the most irrational, capitalistic, and materialistic, people on earth? Mom's, girlfriends, and wives that shop on Black Friday. This has to be a joke.

You guys know who you're dealing with here, right? These are people who, for one 12 hour stretch, once a year, put aside all their matron and maternal like instincts as part of some de-evolutionary, primal tradition, and absolutely go savage style, store to store, mall to mall, in search of the perfect, toy, electronic, Ugg, or trinket of the season, mauling anyone who gets in their path, all to save 20%. There was a women in Walmart this morning, who literally pepper sprayed her opponents in order to get some slightly discounted piece of electronics.

And here you are thinking they're just going to boycott it because a bunch of tent people asked them too? You really think your mom wasn't out at Bestbuy at 5 AM this morning? You think that portable DVD player you've been using in your tent was magically dropped out of the sky? No, your mom probably killed someone elses mom in a bloody battle for that dvd player like 5 years ago (she got away with it too, because of a little known loophole that says anything from simple battery up to manslaughter is legal while shopping on Black Friday, true story).  That tent you're sleeping in from Dicks Sporting Goods? Your mom camped out rambo style, knife in teeth, war paint on, and absolutely ambushed that store 2 years ago.

But good one guys, I needed a good chuckle today, being bored to death in my cube has been hard work.

This: Immaculately Detailed Procrastination Flow Chart

Chart from here

Note: This thing is gigantic, double click the picture for a full view, trust me, it's worth your time.

This flow chart is everything I've ever wanted for the Alt-Tab...it's the perfect visual embodiment of of everything I want this blog to represent, its so good I borderline want to make it our logo (of course I can't because the thing is ginormous). The best part is, the chart itself is a form of procrastination, it took me 10 minutes to read through all the different options, which is 10 minutes of paid work time that I was able to zone out for...in other words, FREE MONEY. 

Suck it work, suck it long, and suck it hard.

Still Kind of Upset About Tim Burton's Version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Hey Tim, Willy is not supposed to look like a gay-euro hipster, he's just not.

I thought I was over it, I really did. Yes the movie sucked on such an epic scale that my eyes borderline had to be pried open Clockwork Orange style, and yes the movie forever tainted Johnny Depp for me (I don't care how much I love Fear and Loathing, you played an active part in ruining a childhood memory), but I thought I'd put it behind me.

Turns out nope, I hadn't. I've got some kinda deep seeded emotional issues about this movie.  Here I was, Thanksgiving Eve, pounding a few Harpoon Cranberry Ale's (pleasantly delicious, but you have to let them open up...ok I sound a bit too beer snobby now), and watching the original, Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory with my girlfriend (yea, I felt old), who unbeknownst to me has never sat through the entire movie, how that nugget had slipped by me to this point, I don't know, my jaw is still on the floor, and I can't even enjoy it because the entire time I was just thinking about how much I HATED the Tim Burton version.

I feel the same way Willy, the same way.

So here's a big "Screw You" Tim Burton. Screw you for ruining my already wicked lame old person's Thanksgiving Eve by making a film like 6 years ago, that still gets my blood pressure boiling today, even when I'm not watching it. You may not be the creative genius that everyone thinks you are, but you sure know how to get under someone's skin and ruin a classic, I guess that's a skill. It's impressive asshattery, at any rate.

PS: The single most douchey thing Tim Burton did here, and it's a long list, was changing the name from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory, to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory...Really Tim, you can rip off and ruin a classic, but the title isn't good enough for you?

Why Working the Day After Thanksgiving Absolutely Sucks.

I tweeted that earlier (by the way, if you're not following me on twitter yet, you're missing 100% of all hilarious tweets like this), and it's 100% true, today might be the only day ever that my interests and the interests of the Occupiers align.

Working on the day after Thanksgiving (note, I refuse to call it Black Friday, except on twitter, I'm only working with 140 characters, gotta make sacrifices) is the absolute worst. Just a complete kick in the nuts. I woke up this morning a little bit dehydrated, and alot-a-bit-fat.  Felt like I still had a pony keg stuffed up under my rib cage, I'm still that full. All my friends that work at small offices, or are engineers, teachers, etc...all have the day off.  Me? I'm the poor schlep who's office follows the New York Stock Exchange schedule and I have to work...because those ass holes never take a day off.

I just can't stand the fact that the traders at the NYSE, are basically, soulless, family hating, money grubbing, (fill in the blank swear words), who refuse, REFUSE to just take a day off once in a while. You know what the volume is going to be today in the stock market? 10. Not 10 million, 10...There's going to be 10 trades.  Yet we have to come in because some pseudo celebrity wants to ring the bell and the traders want to be on the floor to regale each other with epic tales of how much stuffed turkey they ate or something. And because of that, I'm here, in my cube, staring at the clock in the lower right corner of my screen, begging for it to speed up. 

All the other countries are taking random days off once in a while, why can't we? In my job I happen to have a calendar of all the different countries national holidays, and let me tell you something, we're getting the short end of the stick, big time. 

 Ireland has four days a year that they just call "Public Holidays." Basically if there hasn't been a national holiday that month or in the last few weeks, their government just makes up a day for everyone to party. Well, Erin Go Bragh, that's awesome...Japan, don't even get me started on Japan...They have three days off for New Years, a day called "Ocean Day" (you can't make this stuff up), May 4th is National Greenery Day (so they basically have Arbor day as a national holiday), and in October, they have Health & Sports Day (I've just packed my bags and am looking for the cheapest flights to Tokyo, William Shatner is helping me).

All this inequality in Holidays would be fine if America was still kicking the shit out of all the other countries, but we're not anymore. We're right there with the rest of them, treading water to keep our head up, its not like coming in one extra day to trade some mortgage backed swap is going to help us out or anything. We're not exactly swimming in Scrooge McDuck Money over here anymore, if we're going to suck, we might as well suck at home in our sweats and boxers, no?

Ultimate Holiday Showdown- Thanksgiving vs. Christmas, Two holidays Enter, One leaves the Victo

Battle of the Ages: Who gain the crown of "Best Holiday?"

It truly is a fortunate situation that the last few months every year have set up for us everday normal folk. While the overall quality of the weather gets exponentially shittier and every female puts away every partially revealing piece of clothing to be replaced with Ugs and 15 layers of jackets and scarves, we are rewarded with two of the greatest holidays in the known universe: Thanksgiving and Christmas. Both of these events are first world celebrations of absolutely shameless overindulgence in everything that is good and joy-inducing in this life: material possessions, comfort food, and outright laziness on some arbitrary notion that we have accomplished deeds significant enough to warrant these treasures. However, each of these holidays has a number of dimensions that need to be considered, and after all is said and done, we will find out one of these holidays is actually superior to the other. Since I am in the business of solving these difficult issues, let’s hope right to it and see who wins this matchup based on our “Holiday Scorecard,” (But unlike the cards used in Manny Pacquaio’s most recent fight, this isn’t to facilitate the world’s biggest gambling event of all time, it’s just to prove a point.”

Overall Atmosphere:

Thanksgiving- Sadly, not much going with regards to a “feel” for this holiday. You obviously have maybe a few days off from work, and Thanksgiving serves as a wonderful trump card of getting out of your professional obligations. As a kid, it was fun to trace your hand and make a paper turkey or a pilgrim hat during art class (or in my case, ignore what I was supposed to be doing so I could dump Elmers glue all over my hands and peel it off once it dried. No one who did this can deny it was fun as hell, both for the activity itself and the anger induced brain aneurysm it gave the teacher.) But beyond cooking/raiding the supermarket for every piece of trans fat laden comfort food you can find, there’s a dearth of Thanksgiving atmosphere.

Christmas- Hands down winner on this front. You got the absolute works going here: sparkly decorations bedecking every building, the fresh smell of pine emanating from every corner of society, and the absolute auditory orgasm that is Christmas Music. Seriously, a straight month of absolute classic holiday tunes and catchy jingle bell laden music that makes even despondent murderous sociopaths feel warm and fuzzy inside (or maybe slightly less murderous. I wouldn’t know, I’m just a sarcastic asshole, not a fully blown sociopath.) Not to mention all the fantastic movies that took your imagination on a magical ride when you were a child. Even watching them now, like the perfect Christmas movie Elf, gives feel good, nostalgic vibes up the wazoo. Watching the snowflakes flutter gently outside while you sip hot cocoa listening to “Let it snow?” That’s as good as it fucking gets, you could make a postcard out of that scene, its truly that awesome.

Score- Christmas: 1 Thanksgiving: 0

Preparatory Work:

Thanksgiving- Since the ultimate theme of Thanksgiving is “Laziness/Gorge your face off until you want to Puke,” the preparatory work here is minimal to moderate at best. You get the opportunity to buy the tastiest treats that you don’t indulge in regularly if you have no inclination to do cooking of any sort. But if you are the ambitious type, you get to put on your best cooking face and bust out that perfect recipe you got from Grandma for mouth watering stuffing, sumptuous mashed potatoes, or that absolutely perfectly marinated, hormonally enhanced Turkey. After all that is out of the way, the rest you have to do is go into your closet and intentionally wear an outfit that is a couple sizes too big because after the 8 helpings of everything you inhale through your gullet, you will most certainly need the extra room.

Point goes to Thanksgiving on this one for having an amount of work that matches the theme of the holiday itself.

Christmas- As much fun as Christmas can be, the amount of work that needs to be put into this event is an absolute bitch. You have a billion presents to buy for people, some because you want to and others because of dumb fucking social/family obligations that make no sense to you (Just because my second cousin gets me something I hate every year DOES NOT mean I want to give him a DAMN THING), which often takes place in an angry mob pillaging (edit: shopping) every single mall in existence and drains your bank account in the process. Setting up lights outside has to be one of the most miserable experiences on the planet. Every single year without fail, even if they are brand fucking new, something will go wrong with them. Certain lights won’t work, it will set itself to “Twinkle” mode when you just want “Regular” with no way of switching them, or they will be tangled into a horrific knot ridden pile of misery and anger that takes every ounce of patience and finger dexterity to sort out. Throw in the additional suckitude of shoveling, finding a Christmas tree that isn’t fucked in some way (either structurally or because the owner of the tree farm realizes, once a year, he can price gouge the ever loving fuck out of everyone) and this dimension is a big time negative for Christmas.

Score: Christmas: 1 Thanksgiving: 1

The Day’s Events/ Post Game Wrap Up

Thanksgiving/Christmas- This is where it gets difficult, since there is a significant amount of overlap in what revelry is engaged in on both occasions, as well as this being the tiebreaker, so we’ll break both holidays down in this section. Both have sumptuous spreads of food with all manner of goodies ready for reckless consumption, though Christmas can often include a spiral ham with a heavy dosage of candy for good measure. Additionally, you get all kinds of material possessions (American dream, right? Having way more shit than you actually need) on Christmas morning which is just plain fantastic. However, after eating your face off on Thanksgiving, you have the god given right to watch football until you pass out into a food induced coma. No pretending you like the shitty gifts that your in-laws gave you, zero obligation to engage in any type of pointless banter. Just watch the most American sport to exist until you want to go to sleep. Then, Thanksgiving always gives you gifts that you will like: leftovers. All the delectable treats you wanted to eat, but couldn’t fit because your stomach was at the point of rupturing, YOU CAN SAVE FOR LATER. Your only duty following Thanksgiving is to ensure that you eat even more. Christmas requires an extensive amount of un-decorating everything after the fact and you have to find a diplomatic way of asking for the receipts for the awful gifts you didn’t want, instead of outright telling the person what they got you sucked. Return lines at retail outlets post Christmas are almost as bad as buying the shit in the first place because you know for a fact everyone is in that miserably long line for the sole reason of exchanging their unwanted crap for something useful to them. This one comes down to the wire, but I’m declaring by a slim margin Thanksgiving is the winner by technical knockout, despite a valiant effort by Christmas.

FINAL SCORE: Thanksgiving: 2 Christmas: 1

P.S. Since I was way too complimentary for most of this piece, I need something excessively negative to go out on, so here it is. Valentine’s Day is the worst fucking holiday of all time. It’s not even a holiday, it’s a made up bullshit excuse for people to increase the bottom line of Hallmark/florist/chocolate companies, while every couple everywhere instantly goes into panic mode because everyone’s notion of what is appropriate on that day is different. Fuck Valentines Day.

People Realize Jennifer Lopez is Whiter than Me, Right? She's Not Really "From the Block"

NOVEMBER 22--As part of a new multimillion-dollar endorsement deal with Fiat, Jennifer Lopez has shot several TV commercials for the Italian automaker, placed the Fiat 500 in her latest music video, and even put the vehicle center stage during her performance Sunday night at the American Music Awards. But while the brand building and cross-promotion campaign is both lucrative and far-reaching, the star does have her collaborative limits. Specifically, the 42-year-old actress will not visit the Bronx in service of shilling the subcompact car. she actually never set foot in the Bronx during the filming of the Fiat spots. Instead, the role of “Jenny from the Block” was played by a body double, according to two sources familiar with the commercial production. While the Lopez lookalike was actually behind the wheel in the Bronx, Lopez herself was in Los Angeles, where she was filmed inside a Fiat 500.

Is this still news to people? That J-Lo isn't really from the block? I mean sure she lived there at one point in time, many years ago, and maybe her Abuelo still lives there or something, but I doubt it...People get that J-Lo is more white than me, right? Like sure her ass is latin, and she's got Lopez for a last night, but she was also with Ben Affleck at one point, like that's as non-latin, white as it gets.

So of course she wasn't riding around in the Bronx in a Fiat 500. Every now and then J-Lo just needs a little street cred bump, and she knows what to do to get it...Spend a season as judge on American Idol and nail an absurd contract, gain back your street cred by pretending to visit your hood and grind on a Latin pop singers dick (left). Release a worldwide smash hit, "Waiting for Tonight," complete with green lasers and shit that white people eat up? Come back with Jenny from the Block, to remind people, you're from the block. Date uber honky Ben Affleck? Marry latin crooner Marc Anthony.  It's all part of her plan people.  Jenny's more Greenwich, CT than she is "from the block." I just can't believe it's taken ya'll this long to notice.

Di Fara Pizzeria Closes After Health Violations, Supporters Really Upset

AOL - Famed pizzeria Di Fara has been shut down after racking up an impressive 67 code violations -- a failing grade. Fans of their pizza don't seem fazed, though, taking to their Facebook page to defend the place from the news. "You guys are the best....And I'm not just talking about the pizza....Good people...." said one poster. "Anxiously awaiting the reopening....

The special ingredient is crack, right? Crack sprinkled with the cheese? Gotta be it.  I've got to try one of these slices, need to get in contact with the head pizza master here to airmail me a slice or something, because I need to know what pizza would have to taste like for people to ignore 67 CODE VIOLATIONS...that's all the codes there is people, like that's 67 out of 67. That's unfathomable.

If I don't go into a state of orgasmic shock, after biting this slice, it's not worth it. People are absolutely crazy if you think I'm just going to be sitting in the corner of this place, enjoying a slice while spiders and roaches team up to battle rats for the title of cheese king of the mountain in the back of the kitchen, screw that (PS: the above scenario is entirely fictional, I don't know what the violations were, but there were 67 of them, I think its safe to make a joke about Rats battling Roaches in some kind of gladiator like contest). 

People realize its New York, right? Like you can walk a block and find another place that also claims to have the best slice in the city. Pizza and Coffee are in no short supply of "worlds bests" in NYC. No need to go exposing yourself to e-coli for one specific slice. 

Serious Questions, Can We Just Fire the Debt Committee Members?

Fox News - President Obama, after watching the deficit Super Committee collapse under the weight of partisan discord, on Tuesday urged Congress to prevent that failure from resulting in a payroll tax increase at the end of the year. Some on the so-called Super Committee were hoping to include the payroll tax extension, along with an extension of unemployment aid, in a final agreement to cut the deficit by $1.2 trillion. The provision, passed last year, was one of Obama's signature policies and something he has pushed for as part of a larger jobs package that has yet to attract widespread support in Congress. Without a deficit deal, the future of the cut and numerous other provisions is unclear. 

Can we just fire this Deficit Panel Super-committee epic fail collective? Like not from the committee, but from Congress in general? In what normal, everyday job could you fail so miserably, that even before your actual deadline, you just walk out and tell your boss and fellow employees, "welp, we tried, but its just too hard, bottom line, we're not going to do it," and still keep your job? It's fucking unfathomable. 

If Obama had any spine as a leader he'd lock those asshats in a room in the Capitol building with a pack of turkey cold cuts and tell them Happy Fucking Thanksgiving, you're not coming out until you figure this shit out. Why isn't that the solution here? 

And PS: I can't help but think that maybe, just maybe, we'd be a little closer to a deal with the Senate wasn't running around worried about things like freaking baggage fees. Guys, baggage fees suck, but you know what really sucks? A broke country. Broke, like collecting food stamps and government cheese from China, broke(I'm just guessing, but Chinese gov't cheese probably tastes like cow-taint).  I mean, hey, thanks for stepping up on this, but it just seems like maybe there's more pressing matters. Maybe you wanna just drop everything and figure this thing out and just put it behind you once and for all?

I'm as big a procrastinator as there is, I leave everything to the last minute, I get it. But there's always that one point where its like, ok, screw it, time to get shit done...I go grab the tallest coffee Dunkin Donuts can legally provide, and I plow through whatever is on my plate...And I feel fantastic once its done, like a huge weight has been lifted, all of a sudden you've got all the free time in the world, its amazing.

So maybe that's the problem? Is there not enough Dunks in DC? Can we get a Dunkin Donuts rep on this?

Note To Mass Drivers: No One Feels Bad For You If You're Stuck on the Pike Today

I just wanted to clear that little fact up, so before you go blowing up everyone's Twitter and Facebook feeds, just know that no one gives a shit. We're not going to "like" your status update, we're not going to Retweet your snarky traffic tweet, we're not buying into any of it.

It's Thanksgiving Eve, of course there is fucking traffic. There's traffic up the ass. Anyone that was smart left early today or even last night, anyone that didn't is up shit's creek without a paddle. The rest of us flat out don't care.  Know what I'll be doing today? Going to work, probably be there until 7 PM or so...Do you think I care that you'll probably hear the "Watch the Throne" song like 4x on Kiss 108  before you even get past Framingham? Shit no. I'd rather be jamming out to Kanye and Jigga than sitting in my fluorescently lit cube. 

I don't want to come off overly as a dick here, just suffice to say that you knew there'd be traffic, you knew it'd be horrendous, you chose to travel in it anyway. It's not newsworthy, I will not give you a pity shout out and raise your Klout in the process, I might even unfriend you. 

You've all been warned.

Wodka Brand Vodka's Humorous Billboard Made Me Chuckle

Stylelite- Religious stereotyping in liquor ads is just about as bottom of the barrel as you can get, and a brief perusal of the Wodka website shows it’s standard practice for the company. For example, on the site’s contact page, we’re introduced to Wodka “employees” New Delhi Neil (“snake charmer by day and press wrangler by night”) and Sumo Shu (whose photo is the face of a white guy Photoshopped onto a Japanese sumo wrestler’s body).

What? I don't get it? Are Jewish liquor stores not competitively priced? Is this false advertising or something?  Is it the dog? Is he wearing the cap wrong? 

Guys, they're clearly joking and mean no harm...I mean have you seen their website? It's got pictures like this as promotional photos for its product:

Does this seem like a serious company to you? It's got a hilarious website (and does anyone really believe New Delhi Neil and Sumo Shu were forced into these photos? This looks like a fantastic place to work), a premium product, and cheap prices. Just roll with it.

Besides, do we really need to get into the whole defamation thing right now? Yesterday should have been a day of national pride for all the Maccabi's everywhere, the Hebrew Hammer won the National League MVP! I mean, how can you be upset on such a great day?

So lets all take it down a notch and take it for face value, a pretty funny advertising campaign, that may have touched the line for some, but all in all meant no harm, and caused no harm. Hell, I'd wager to say that Jewish liquor store sales are going to skyrocket because of this, if there's one thing that's universally loved and scoured for, its cheap booze. If you've got the same product for $1 less, I'll drive upwards of 35 miles for it...Why else do you think I roll on up to the New Hampshire State Liquor Stores every Christmas? Sure it costs me like $6.75 in gas, but the savings on those liquor box gift sets is priceless.

Wodka brand Vodka, you're cool with me.

PS: They apologized on Twitter...that's the company/celebrity equivalent of going to rehab in 2011, time to let it go everyone.