Target's New "Amazing" Sales Training Program is Actually "Annoying" to Customers

Daily Mail - Target has a plan to take on the growing competition of online giant Amazon - and it all rests on making their employees 'amazing'. The staff guide to becoming an ideal Target employee have been leaked online, packed full of corporate buzzwords and cringe-worthy customer service tips. The training manual - entitled 'Welcome To Amazing' - provides workers with a script to follow, making sure that customer service is top notch...According to the Target script 'service is the difference maker' and leads to loyal customers. The manual goes on to describe the 'service vibe' which can 'make guests feel welcomed and comfortable...cared for and appreciated... and even moments that stir up a little spontaneous fun'. Store executives have then helpfully outlined what exactly classifies as an 'amazing moment' for staff...Store executives have then helpfully outlined what exactly classifies as an 'amazing moment' for staff...'A moment is when we look up from what we are doing to say hi to the guest that just came down the aisle... Amazing is how the whole family feels when we sincerely offer help,' it reads.

Look, I'm on record several times as preferring Target to Walmart. Hands down. But it's time for some tough love, Target. Because this is some of the most ass backward corporate strategy I've ever heard, and it's affecting me personally.

Last week I went into Target to buy a stick of deodorant. That's it. I realized that morning I was out, went to work, self consciously smelled my pits all day fearing I would wreak of B.O. and have no fat person near by to blame it on, and finally went over to Target after work to rectify the situation.

As I'm checking out, this young cashier pushes the "Target Debit Card on me." I say no thanks. She continues though. "I don't see why anyone wouldn't want it, it's free and you get whatever % percent she said cash back." Slightly annoyed I reply, probably because people don't want to open new credit cards, I thought it was over, it was not. She continues:

Annoying Check out Girl: But it's not a credit card!

Me: Oh really, what is it?

Annoying Check out girl (ACOG): It's a debit card, it's linked directly to your checking account.

Me, Now Really Annoyed: Well that's not really better, most people don't want Target attached to their personal checking account.

ACOG: I don't see why not, I did it and it's safer and more secure than my banks debit card.

Me, I've now had it: Oh really? Like, the same Target that had a massive consumer data breach about a year or so ago? That Target is safer than using the card my bank issued me?

And that was that, I bought my deodorant and left. Nevermind the fact that trying to upsell me on a stick of FUCKING DEODORANT was crazy to begin with. I'm not exactly buying a flat screen tv here where your 3% or 5% or whatever it was would actually mean something. I'm pretty sure I can handle a stick of deodorant on my own, thanks though.

And if it continues like that, if "Amazing" Sales people are going to "Annoy" the fuck out of me, every time I enter the store, I'll stop going. If Target wants some real help identifying areas of improvement from an actual customer here are a couple, written in their own corporate verbiage:

A "Moment" is when you walk into Target and see that only 3 of the 21 sales lines are open and you'll be stuck buying a box of q-tips behind the family of 5 and their annoying kids who can't decide what pack of check out line gum they want to buy along with their 35 other items that they'll be paying for with 3 separate credit cards. "Amazing would be walking in and seeing at least half of those check out lines open.

A "Moment" is walking into Target to be bombarded by sales people trying to up-sell you, apparently taking their cue from the annoying folks at BestBuy. "Amazing" would be walking into the store, finding my toilet paper and paper towels on my own, and checking out without having to interact with anyone.

A "moment" is walking into Target and realizing that all the checkout lines are manned by actual people. "Amazing" would be walking into see that Target has finally realized it is 2012 and every other store on earth has self checkout lines.

Just a few helpful hints guys. I still believe in you, but you gotta tighten things up and ditch the corporate sales pitch. It just doesn't work in the real world with people getting off work and just trying to do a quick errand before heading home for Thursday Night Football.

Westborough Neighbors Complain About Tacky Christmas Display

WESTBOROUGH (FOX 25/ MyFoxBoston.com) - A Westborough couple is receiving anonymous backlash for having such a large display of Christmas lights. Earlier this week, they found an anonymous letter on their door condemning the lights display. “Do you have any idea how ridiculous, ornate, and tacky all your outside decorations are??” the letter reads. The letter continues by claiming that in this economy the display is a slap in the face to those without jobs or financial stability. It also contains a threatening conclusion, "Please remove a significant amount of decorations, enough to be tasteful and respectful as our other neighbors are. Please do not force us to remove them for you."

First off, there's nothing particularly tacky about that display, I mean, they used white lights, the new standard for the new millenium, couple of trees decorated, a few reindeer, and most importantly of all, only one inflatable light up character. I say most importantly of all, as that's where you should start to draw the line on tacky, if the dispaly is overly weight towards inflatable characters and Santa's that look like lawn gnomes then you've hit tacky, but as far as I'm concerned that's not the case here.

The bigger issue on hand though, is it cool for neighbors to leave notes and be pissed off, if the display is actually tacky, has had me up all night pondering my stance. I've legit lost sleep over it.  On the one hand, I love the houses that go overboard, just load up every piece of junk they've found at the Christmas Tree shop for the last decade and anchor it to the lawn, the front porch, the windows, etc... Sure your house ends up with  glowing haze similar to a Las Vegas, rent by the hour brothel motel, but I really see nothing wrong with being a bit tacky during the Christmas season.  

A Christmas Carol: The Holocaust Meets the Holidays

The last thing I want is a boring Christmas like our forefathers used to put up with...Have you ever seen "A Christmas Carol?" That Christmas was a travashammockery, just dull as shit. People walking around in Top Hats, Tiny Tim walking around with one leg because his peg leg did double duty as the fourth leg of the dinner table, people eating chestnuts, Scrooge sitting infront of some awful soot producing coal furnace making general ledger entries with paper and pencil. Awful. If I were Tiny Tim and the life I had to look forward to looked like that, I'd have off'd myself. Hell, I'd have off'd myself if I were Scrooge, rich as hell or not. No one likes you, again, you have to eat Chestnuts, because that was the thing back then, and you're making accounting entries by hand on Christmas Eve. No Fucking Thanks. Give me tacky, light hearted, 2 fully functional legs and a bowl full of Walnuts any Christmas over that depressing stuff. I'd rather watch Schindlers List on Christmas Eve than ever see A Christmas Carol again.

Right down the street from yours truly.

Now, with all that said, I have to believe that given my nature, if I lived next to an overly tacky display, I'd 100% hate my neighbors guts. Yes, I'd think its cool on Nov 26th, right after they put it up, probably through the first weekend, and yes on the actual day of Christmas, I'd probably appreciate it. But all that time in between? Hate it. Try sleeping off a holiday party hangover with your neighbors glowing lights coming through your window, making you think you're Kramer living next to a Kenny Rogers Roasters. 30 or so days of that is enough to make someone snap...Actually, I'd probably make it through the holidays, I'm not saying I wouldn't be festering some serious anger, I would, but in the spirit of being neighborly and not trying to make things too awkward, I think I could hold it together through Dec 25. But that's it, no more after that. Like, the day after Christmas, if I don't see you making progress in toning down the display, I'd make progress for you. 

So where do I stand? Well, approximately the same place I stood last night at 12 AM when I was trying to go to bed. I like the tacky displays as long as you're not my neighbor, but for this specific case, I think the note writers were way out of line, as there's nothing particularly hokey or Ned Flanders-esqe going on in that yard.

Can We All Agree to Stop Cleaning Up When Visitors Are Coming?

Let's be honest, we all live in some level of filth when outsiders aren't visiting. Please, I'm begging you, the next time I come to visit, DO NOT clean up on my accord. I'm not the Queen of England, I'm not going to be offended if I see a couple shoes strewn in the corner, or dishes in the sink. And the reason I say this is, then I won't have to clean up the next time you come over, kind of a pay it forward type situation, for slobs. Let's just all admit to eachother, "hey, my place, it's not a model home from HGTV."

I'm not saying don't maintain a level of cleanliness, you've got to do a bare minimum, if you've got vermin or some kind of other infestation, or your shit smells funny, you're probably doing too little. But no more squeaky clean, all the dishes out of the sink, coffee table looks like it just got a new coat of lacquer, living room looks like no one's ever lived there and its ready for a Good Housekeeping photo shoot. Seriously. You live in your house, I know it gets messy. Know how I know? Because my place gets messy. And it drives me crazy that we have to pretend otherwise anytime someone is coming over. The same people that I would have had over like 3-4 years ago fresh out of college when there were pizza boxes strewn all over the place, now can't come over unless a fresh bottle of mop-n-glo has been applied to the floor. It's nuts.

So I'm calling for a moratorium on all visitor related cleaning. Leave that jacket on the back of the chair, the dishes in the sink, the shoes by the door, the stuff cluttering the counter. Leave the throw blanket all balled up in the corner of the couch, its ok, I know you were just wrapped up in that thing in your underwear 30 minutes ago, its cool. Leave anything and everything that isn't going to give me a viral or respiratory disease. Please, I'm begging you. All I need is enough room to sit down. That's it.

Also, I'm just really lazy.

Fran Drescher's Ex-Husband of 21 Years Claims He's Got the Gay

Fox News - ‘Being Wendy’ is a delightful children’s book all about a little girl named Wendy who doesn’t fit in with everyone else in her hometown. It’s written by Fran Drescher, who said she based the fable on her childhood growing up in Flushing, Queens. The sitcom star also has a new show on TV Land called ‘Happily Divorced’ that's also based on Drescher’s personal life. In it she plays a florist named (what else?) Fran, who juggles the dating scene after finding out that her husband of 18 years is gay. The show is co-produced by Peter Marc Jacobson, Drescher’s ex-husband of 21 years, who is also gay.

Hate to break it to Frannie here, but the dude was never gay. Like you’re Fran Drescher, after 21 years he just had to get out…It’s nothing personal, its just your voice is annoying as fuck. Its more likely he was deaf the last 21 years than into cock and balls, but he just needed an amicable excuse to part ways with you. 

You actually seem like a pretty cool person, its too bad about your voice and all, and that’s probably all this guy was thinking…Wouldn’t shock me in the least after he got over all the honey moon sex and what not if he was thinking of ways to let you down easy from the start. Guy’s probably been mulling potential outs for 20 years without breaking your heart…I’d wager he’s debated coming out as gay at least once a month for the last 20 years. Just weighing whether it was worth it or not, until one day, probably made you laugh over brunch and he just lost it. Finally nutted up and just told you he’s gay. Like George on Seinfeld (not that there's anything wrong with that). Just came right out with it in some desperate attempt to put an end to his misery.

If there really were two Fran Drescher's, the world would cease to exist.