Despite Pussification of Current NFL Rules, Ndamukong Suh uses Thanksgiving to demonstrate What a “Dirty” Player is.

2 games isn't that bad, Ndamukong Suh. If you did that in public, it would be Assault and Battery.

I’ve had this discussion with friends and family members before, and I was always rebuffed with comments like, “He plays smash mouth football, its great somebody these days does.” Or “He’s a pass rusher dude, he’s supposed to play that way.” This is me standing on my soap box with a smug smile filled with satisfaction declaring emphatically, “I told you so.” Unless you are the least American person in the country and were not watching Packers vs Lions on Thanksgiving 2011, you bore witness to Mr. Suh, greatly offended when an offensive lineman touched his helmet, decided that an appropriate response to the situation was to spear his assailant (who was lying on the ground) in the bicep with his spikes.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I think Roger Goodell, in his Napoleonic-like crusade to maintain player safety in an intrinsically violent sport, has massively pussified serious aspects of the sport. Pass rushers, like Suh, have to hit quarterbacks within .000125 seconds of them releasing the ball or get hit with a 15 yard “Roughing the Passer” bullshit call (As much as I love you, Tom Brady, this is partially your fault due to your irate gesticulations and furious berating of officials over the years every time anyone hit you in the pocket.) Members of any secondary cannot so much as fart near an opposing receiver without drawing some type of penalty (This one is 100 % Saint Dungy’s fault for his endless bitching that his receivers were “man-handled” AKA his team got their ass whooped in the 2004 AFC Title game.)

But as Albert Haynesworth 2.0…uh, I mean Ndamukong Suh proved on a national scale, his complete disregard for other player’s well-being and visceral reactions to contentious moments on the field have entrenched him in the “dirty” category of football players. His emphatic claims that his job is to “hurt people” are evidence of his misguided notion of what the job description of a defensive player in the NFL is supposed to entail. The objective, in my mind, of a defensive player is to prevent the offensive player/team from scoring. This can be done in any number of ways, including tackling the ball carrier, intercepting a pass, or forcing and recovering a fumble. At no point in any of those objectives is the deliberate sabotage of another player’s physical faculty included. Do injuries happen in the course of game? Yes, absolutely. I am not so deluded as to think that players should never get hurt during the course of an NFL game. These guys are the best athletes in the world and are hurling themselves at each other at top speed with unfathomable strength. The chances that something twists the wrong way are fairly high. And if this happens during the course of what a player is supposed to be doing, well, shit happens.

But a deliberate stomp with the sharpened metal end of your footwear onto a man’s unexposed arm? What if that had been his wrist and he went out for the rest of the regular season? An NFL player’s livelihood and ability to do his job is almost entirely dependent on his physical health, and absolutely no player has the right, Suh included, to purposefully and spitefully take that from another player regardless of the nature of the sport. I actually like Suh when he plays the game the right way. He has the strength of a bull elephant, and he plays with a tenacity matched by few others in the league these days. But at the same time, he has the unrestrained emotionality and petulant reasoning that plagues many immature players, and his most recent offense coupled with his past instances of placing an oversized toe over the line have firmly entrenched him, at least for me, within the realm of a “dirty player.” Whether Suh attempts to reform this image or embrace it and deal with the sanctions that this type of style typically brings from the league office is up to him. For now though, I’ll enjoy calling him “Stompin’ Suh” until I can come up with a funnier name for him (or someone else does, then I can shamelessly steal it and pretend it’s my own material.)

P.S This might be an Alt Tab first, but I made it through an entire rant without using the word "fuck." Well, until right there. In any case, props to me for being civil for at least one entry.

Ultimate Holiday Showdown- Thanksgiving vs. Christmas, Two holidays Enter, One leaves the Victo

Battle of the Ages: Who gain the crown of "Best Holiday?"

It truly is a fortunate situation that the last few months every year have set up for us everday normal folk. While the overall quality of the weather gets exponentially shittier and every female puts away every partially revealing piece of clothing to be replaced with Ugs and 15 layers of jackets and scarves, we are rewarded with two of the greatest holidays in the known universe: Thanksgiving and Christmas. Both of these events are first world celebrations of absolutely shameless overindulgence in everything that is good and joy-inducing in this life: material possessions, comfort food, and outright laziness on some arbitrary notion that we have accomplished deeds significant enough to warrant these treasures. However, each of these holidays has a number of dimensions that need to be considered, and after all is said and done, we will find out one of these holidays is actually superior to the other. Since I am in the business of solving these difficult issues, let’s hope right to it and see who wins this matchup based on our “Holiday Scorecard,” (But unlike the cards used in Manny Pacquaio’s most recent fight, this isn’t to facilitate the world’s biggest gambling event of all time, it’s just to prove a point.”

Overall Atmosphere:

Thanksgiving- Sadly, not much going with regards to a “feel” for this holiday. You obviously have maybe a few days off from work, and Thanksgiving serves as a wonderful trump card of getting out of your professional obligations. As a kid, it was fun to trace your hand and make a paper turkey or a pilgrim hat during art class (or in my case, ignore what I was supposed to be doing so I could dump Elmers glue all over my hands and peel it off once it dried. No one who did this can deny it was fun as hell, both for the activity itself and the anger induced brain aneurysm it gave the teacher.) But beyond cooking/raiding the supermarket for every piece of trans fat laden comfort food you can find, there’s a dearth of Thanksgiving atmosphere.

Christmas- Hands down winner on this front. You got the absolute works going here: sparkly decorations bedecking every building, the fresh smell of pine emanating from every corner of society, and the absolute auditory orgasm that is Christmas Music. Seriously, a straight month of absolute classic holiday tunes and catchy jingle bell laden music that makes even despondent murderous sociopaths feel warm and fuzzy inside (or maybe slightly less murderous. I wouldn’t know, I’m just a sarcastic asshole, not a fully blown sociopath.) Not to mention all the fantastic movies that took your imagination on a magical ride when you were a child. Even watching them now, like the perfect Christmas movie Elf, gives feel good, nostalgic vibes up the wazoo. Watching the snowflakes flutter gently outside while you sip hot cocoa listening to “Let it snow?” That’s as good as it fucking gets, you could make a postcard out of that scene, its truly that awesome.

Score- Christmas: 1 Thanksgiving: 0

Preparatory Work:

Thanksgiving- Since the ultimate theme of Thanksgiving is “Laziness/Gorge your face off until you want to Puke,” the preparatory work here is minimal to moderate at best. You get the opportunity to buy the tastiest treats that you don’t indulge in regularly if you have no inclination to do cooking of any sort. But if you are the ambitious type, you get to put on your best cooking face and bust out that perfect recipe you got from Grandma for mouth watering stuffing, sumptuous mashed potatoes, or that absolutely perfectly marinated, hormonally enhanced Turkey. After all that is out of the way, the rest you have to do is go into your closet and intentionally wear an outfit that is a couple sizes too big because after the 8 helpings of everything you inhale through your gullet, you will most certainly need the extra room.

Point goes to Thanksgiving on this one for having an amount of work that matches the theme of the holiday itself.

Christmas- As much fun as Christmas can be, the amount of work that needs to be put into this event is an absolute bitch. You have a billion presents to buy for people, some because you want to and others because of dumb fucking social/family obligations that make no sense to you (Just because my second cousin gets me something I hate every year DOES NOT mean I want to give him a DAMN THING), which often takes place in an angry mob pillaging (edit: shopping) every single mall in existence and drains your bank account in the process. Setting up lights outside has to be one of the most miserable experiences on the planet. Every single year without fail, even if they are brand fucking new, something will go wrong with them. Certain lights won’t work, it will set itself to “Twinkle” mode when you just want “Regular” with no way of switching them, or they will be tangled into a horrific knot ridden pile of misery and anger that takes every ounce of patience and finger dexterity to sort out. Throw in the additional suckitude of shoveling, finding a Christmas tree that isn’t fucked in some way (either structurally or because the owner of the tree farm realizes, once a year, he can price gouge the ever loving fuck out of everyone) and this dimension is a big time negative for Christmas.

Score: Christmas: 1 Thanksgiving: 1

The Day’s Events/ Post Game Wrap Up

Thanksgiving/Christmas- This is where it gets difficult, since there is a significant amount of overlap in what revelry is engaged in on both occasions, as well as this being the tiebreaker, so we’ll break both holidays down in this section. Both have sumptuous spreads of food with all manner of goodies ready for reckless consumption, though Christmas can often include a spiral ham with a heavy dosage of candy for good measure. Additionally, you get all kinds of material possessions (American dream, right? Having way more shit than you actually need) on Christmas morning which is just plain fantastic. However, after eating your face off on Thanksgiving, you have the god given right to watch football until you pass out into a food induced coma. No pretending you like the shitty gifts that your in-laws gave you, zero obligation to engage in any type of pointless banter. Just watch the most American sport to exist until you want to go to sleep. Then, Thanksgiving always gives you gifts that you will like: leftovers. All the delectable treats you wanted to eat, but couldn’t fit because your stomach was at the point of rupturing, YOU CAN SAVE FOR LATER. Your only duty following Thanksgiving is to ensure that you eat even more. Christmas requires an extensive amount of un-decorating everything after the fact and you have to find a diplomatic way of asking for the receipts for the awful gifts you didn’t want, instead of outright telling the person what they got you sucked. Return lines at retail outlets post Christmas are almost as bad as buying the shit in the first place because you know for a fact everyone is in that miserably long line for the sole reason of exchanging their unwanted crap for something useful to them. This one comes down to the wire, but I’m declaring by a slim margin Thanksgiving is the winner by technical knockout, despite a valiant effort by Christmas.

FINAL SCORE: Thanksgiving: 2 Christmas: 1

P.S. Since I was way too complimentary for most of this piece, I need something excessively negative to go out on, so here it is. Valentine’s Day is the worst fucking holiday of all time. It’s not even a holiday, it’s a made up bullshit excuse for people to increase the bottom line of Hallmark/florist/chocolate companies, while every couple everywhere instantly goes into panic mode because everyone’s notion of what is appropriate on that day is different. Fuck Valentines Day.

Note To Mass Drivers: No One Feels Bad For You If You're Stuck on the Pike Today

I just wanted to clear that little fact up, so before you go blowing up everyone's Twitter and Facebook feeds, just know that no one gives a shit. We're not going to "like" your status update, we're not going to Retweet your snarky traffic tweet, we're not buying into any of it.

It's Thanksgiving Eve, of course there is fucking traffic. There's traffic up the ass. Anyone that was smart left early today or even last night, anyone that didn't is up shit's creek without a paddle. The rest of us flat out don't care.  Know what I'll be doing today? Going to work, probably be there until 7 PM or so...Do you think I care that you'll probably hear the "Watch the Throne" song like 4x on Kiss 108  before you even get past Framingham? Shit no. I'd rather be jamming out to Kanye and Jigga than sitting in my fluorescently lit cube. 

I don't want to come off overly as a dick here, just suffice to say that you knew there'd be traffic, you knew it'd be horrendous, you chose to travel in it anyway. It's not newsworthy, I will not give you a pity shout out and raise your Klout in the process, I might even unfriend you. 

You've all been warned.

Thanksgiving Family Rituals

In Honor of Thanksgiving, and quite possibly my most popular post with my family members, I've decided to re-run "Thanksgiving Family Rituals" once again this Holiday season. True, my parents have upgraded to a bigger table, so the children's table schtick isn't entirely accurate this year...Instead I'll in all likelihood end up eating at the bar top island, lets be honest with all that food and all the family members over, you could have a medieval banquet hall in our dining room and we'd still be banishing people to the minor league tables...Plus this is a great way for me to get a post without actually having to do any work, so, without further ado: Thanksgiving Family Rituals

Ah, Thanksgiving, right around the corner.  Food, drinks, football, all the ingredients that make up CW's favorite holiday (and by ownership, the official holiday of The Alt-Tab).  No real surprise there, all three when mixed properly allow a catatonic like zoning out affect that magically comes around once a year.  Conversation grinds to a halt, everyone fades in and out of naps, communication consists of grunts towards the television during the football games and the occasional lazy hand gesture when another helping of food is required to be passed around.  Heaven.

But that's all post-meal bliss.  Leading up to this once yearly state of nirvana is the family gathering, a staple of the holiday season.  Most families will share traditions, recipes, exchanging of children's Christmas wish lists (there's always that one kid who aims a bit too high with their wish list much to the annoyance of family members.  I can only assume in hindsight that it was me as a child, so to my immediate family I apologize), and carving of the turkey honors.  

My families Thanksgiving tradition is a bit different than most I would assume.  To us the holidays are a chance to get together and compete in one-upping one another with regards to medical ailments and health issues.  Conversations run the gamut from pace-makers, cholesterol levels, blood sugar, hearing aids, vision, an array of surgeries, vision complaints, back pain, psoriasis, eczema, leprosy, and gingivitis.  You need a medical dictionary just to get through it.  The competition is for the head of the table.  The worse your affliction or collection of ailments the better your seat at the table.  My Grandfather has had a firm grasp on the title for years now with the aforementioned hearing aid and pace-maker, though my Mom has mounted a serious challenge this year that could make it an interesting race for the first time in as long as I can remember.  

As for me, I've been stuck at the children's table long past the regularly acceptable age.  Just haven't been able to crack the big leagues and gain entrance to the adult table.  Sure every few years I come in with stitches or a pulled groin, but that's just child's play with this group.  Nothing short of major surgery or threatening illness is going to get me to the big show.  Same for the CW's brother.  Biggest hypochondriac I know, comes up with a wild array of imagined illnesses and injuries each year, none of them are good enough.  The adults in our family are a savvy, veteran group of the walking wounded, they see right through his fictional complaints and chuckle at his efforts.

Sadly all has been well on the health front once again this year for your fearless leader.  Just one more year of eating off unstable fold up tables with chairs so short I might as well be kneeling.  There's always next year though.

What Should I Bring to Thanksgiving? Via Flow Chart

Well now I'm even more confused. I mean I'm not so much of an irresponsible adult that I'm gonna bring a flask of alcohol, that seems like the dickhead move, but I'm also not bringing weirdo shit like corn syrup laden pecan pie or artisinal cider, I mean lets be real. It's not like I'm walking around in regular life wearing mock turtlenecks, I wouldn't even know where to go to get artisinal cider or that super queer sounding pie thing to begin with. You want me to bring some kinda desert thing, that's fine, just know it's going to be Entenmann's...They got a case at the end of the supermarket aisle.

No, I'll probably go with whatever delicious dessert my girlfriend bakes up and tell everyone that my mere presence should be enough for them...which is the same move I've pulled ever since I was a child and only had to worry about strapping on the old feedbag...Simpler times.