Man Punts Cat 15 Feet, Gets Arrested...Should Also Get NFL Tryout

Chicago Sun-Times - Police charged a South Side man with animal cruelty after officers say they watched him take a running start and kick his kitten 15 feet before raising his arms to signal a field goal... The officers immediately arrested a laughing Percy Love, 22, after he allegedly kicked the small black cat Monday afternoon in the 6200 block of South Campbell, police said. He told officers: “This is my cat, Nightmare. He is tough, we play like that all the time. It’s just a cat,” police said. Officers cared for the cat until Animal Care and Control workers took custody. Animal Care and Control Director Cherie Travis said on her Facebook page that, “Despite the terrible abuse, the cat . . . is doing quite well. He’s in medical today getting an exam and X-rays. He is a very friendly and affectionate cat.”

Heinous animal cruelty aside (I don't even like cats, but that aint right), this kid's getting a tryout, right? I mean kicking a cat 15 feet seems like a fair accomplishment to me. Kid may be dumb as rocks and sounds like he's got the logistics of a punt and field goal confused, but if this kid can drop kick a cat 15 feet, I'd assume he'd have no problem coming out and coffin kicking some punts in the NFL...I mean 15 feet! That's a lot. I'd imagine it's hard to center and find the sweet spot on a cat for the kick, not to mention that they're not exactly proportional or inflated like a football. I think if you extrapolate that punt you've got something like a 45-50 yarder. Not bad. Certainly worth a look for a tryout at least...and if he sucks then you let the squad get one clean roughing the kicker hit in there...so he can get the experience from the cat's side for once. 

RIP NFL Replacement Ref's

Kinda sad actually, I mean don't get me wrong, I'm glad as fuck that these guys are gone and the Patriots can resume stomping non-referee aided opponents, that part is awesome...But the real shame of it is I feel like we were finally just turning the corner from horrible Ed Hochuli jokes to half decent parodies and rants like this video. So close to comedy perfection, and now that's been yanked out from under us too. Fucking NFL, they can't get anything right these days.

The Alt-Tab Would Like to Officially Welcome Back Professional NFL Referees

I'll be honest, I just woke up, checked out espn.com, and was shocked, SHOCKED, that I didn't see a headline saying Goodell and the Ref's reached an agreement over night. Because that clusterfuck right there, is just an absolute debacle.

The only thing, and I mean the Oonnly thing, that could possible explain that call is that the ref legitimately thought the Packers were the receiving team. That's it. No other explanation. He forgot which team was on offense, saw the Packers had come down with the ball, assumed he was the receiver and signaled for a touchdown. Probably went under the hood for the review, realized his mistake, but couldn't bear to be the biggest goose in NFL history so he just stuck with his guns, fucking guy. Don't bother trying to tell me otherwise, you can't seriously expect me to believe that a seemingly perfectly sane looking man, watching that replay, could come out with a stone face and tell me Seattle caught the ball for a touchdown. No way in hell.

So there's your explanation. The replacement ref's are so bad that they actually forgot which team was offense and which team was defense during the last play of Monday Night Football.

Cris Carter Casually Talking Bounties is About the Last thing the NFL Needs

ESPN - Former Minnesota Vikings All-Pro receiver Cris Carter says he put "bounties" on opposing players as a form of protection during his 16-year NFL career. Carter, currently an ESPN NFL analyst, said Tuesday night on "Hill and Schlereth" on ESPN Radio that he would offer money to teammates to take out players he thought were trying to take him out. "I'm guilty of (bounties) -- I mean, first time I've ever admitted it -- but I put a bounty on guys before," Carter told show hosts Mike Hill and Mark Schlereth. "I put bounties on guys. If a guy tries to take me out, a guy takes a cheap shot on me? I put a bounty on him right now!" When asked whether the bounties carried financial incentive, Carter said: "Absolutely." Carter clarified his comments Wednesday morning in an appearance on ESPN's "SportsCenter," emphasizing that there was no intent to injure an opponent -- as the NFL alleges was the case in the Saints' "pay for pain" system. Carter acknowledged that using the term "bounty" may have been a poor choice of words on his part. "The difference is people going out of their way to hurt a player," Carter said Wednesday, "hitting a spot that we as players know is off limits, like his knees. You're not telling them to go out and get someone, you're telling them to protect you, run down the field to protect their skill guys." The 46-year-old spoke of former Pro Bowl linebacker Bill Romanowski, then with the Denver Broncos, threatening to hurt him in pregame warm-ups. "Bill Romanowski -- he told me he was going to take me out before the game, warm-ups. No problem. (He said,) 'I'm gonna end your career, Carter.' No problem. "I put a little change on his head before the game. Protect myself. Protect my family. That's the league that I grew up in," Carter said.

Cut to Roger Goodell Shaking his Damn Head (or SMH'ing as weird internet people say). 

This is about the last thing he needs right now. The admittance from a former player, a prominent player at that, that this was a much more common and casual practice than the league would like to admit. 

The thing with the Saints is, it was a institutionalized system. That's easy to penalize, that's easy for the league to point to, come up with rules and punishments, and say they've erradicated it, that there's no place for it in football. 

This is a lot more difficult. This is a player saying, game to game, play to play, players place bounties, or as Cris is now saying, buy protection, for themselves against opposing players by paying for big hits. Unless you're mic'ing up all 22 players on the field and have the sidelines completely wired for sound, you're not solving that problem. 

And this is where the contrarian points out that the players already pay fines for violent or illegal hits...big whoop. James Harrison, who I'm pretty sure was the most fined player in football last year, was only fined a total of  $125,000...Cole Hamels, punk move aside, only plunked a 19 year old with a baseball and was just suspended five games which amounts to roughly $460,000 in game checks...So, you tell me which league is serious about protecting its players?

Big hits, violent plays, it's all a part of football, and apparently, if you believe Cris Carter, paying your teammates for protection like it's La Cosa Nostra is too. You're not going to be able to police that unless you see some blatantly illegal hits, and even then the league has proven they just don't have the power to give those penalties any real bite. 

At the end of the day Goodell and the rest of the Commish's office would have loved to have brought the iron fist down on the Saints, pointed to their effort to clean up the game, and swept the rest of this shit under the rug...doesn't look like that's going to happen. 

Please God, If You're Listening, Make Tebow Go to the Jets

ESPN - While one league source says the Dolphins are not likely to deal for Tebow, two sources told ESPNNewYork.com's Rich Cimini on Tuesday night the Jets' interest in Tebow has intensified. The Jets, who a league source originally categorized as "a long shot at best," are concerned about the negative perception of its locker room. The Jets were divided by player unrest last season, and "bringing in a guy like (Tebow) would help," one source told Cimini. "It makes perfect sense...The Jets are intrigued by what Tebow could do in the wildcat offense. New coordinator Tony Sparano introduced the wildcat to the NFL as coach of the Miami Dolphins. That, coupled with Rex Ryan's desire to be a power-running team, has fueled organizational discussion on Tebow. On the downside, there's concern Tebow's presence could create a distraction for incumbent Mark Sanchez, whose leadership came into question after the season. Sanchez recently received a three-year contract extension with $20.5 million in guarantees, all but ensuring he'll be the starter for at least the next two years..."I don't know how he'd handle it," one source said of Sanchez. "That would be interesting."

Someone get me Mike Tannebaum's personal address, I'm going to write them a check to help this along. 

Please God, for all that's holy, bring Tebow to the Jets. First off, if there was one locker room in the league that needs more God in their lives, its the Jets.  Can you imagine the conversation between Cromartie and Tebow? Cro trying to list off his clan of children, followed by Tebow mentioning that he actually knows 3 of Cro's kids from the charity shelter he works at in the off season...that would be fantastic.

But it's about more than spreading the Word of Tebow...It's about my entertainment as a Patriots fan, which would be at an all time high. Read this back: "The Jets are intrigued by what Tebow could do in the wildcat offense." Really? The wildcat offense? The offense that was roundly abandoned 2 and a half seasons ago after its abject failure in its first full time go around in Miami? Man, Tony Sparano just can't quit the wildcat, huh? You think he already forgot that the wildcat is probably one of the main factors in why his team was never able to develop a reliable NFL QB in his time there? That maybe yanking your young QB in favor of the likes of Ronnie Brown, Pat White, and now, Tim Tebow,  for 10-15 snaps a game for some gimmick offense isn't the best message to send to your impressionable quarterback.  You think he's thought about that?

Actually, I'll tell you who probably loves this, and that's Mark Sanchez...As you'll recall, the last time the Jets flirted with another QB, Peyton Manning, the team loaded up and gave Sanchez an outrageous raise to smooth over any hurt feelings...Never mind the fact that he was coming off basically his worst year since his rookie year, in which he took no steps forward in his progress as a professional quarterback and all of his teammates openly wondered whether he could lead them to wins...So yea, he's probably at home grinning, still counting his new pile of money and wondering when the Brinks truck will be backing up again after the team's little foray with Tebow this time around. 

First class organization all the way over there.

An Observation: There is Ample Evidence That Peyton Manning Cannot...Grow A Beard

I'm dead serious, guy doesn't even look like he can grow a 5 o'clock shadow. Aside from that picture right there with the glued on pedo-stache you will not find a single photo on google images of Manning with as much as a rough patch of stubble.

Do I know what this means? Not really, other than the fact that my original theory, that playoff victories are strongly correlated to a quarterbacks scruff, is out the window. Which is actually good news for me as a Patriots fan (Tebow out does Brady in the scruff beard category by a mile, I'm guessing Giselle finds more than a 5 o'clock shadow irritating), but horrible news for me as a blogger, because my whole idea for this mornings blog is now ruined and I'm absolutely scrambling...and so that's how we ended up here...with this steaming pile of blog turd and a photo of what Peyton would look like if he went to Penn State.

PS: there was going to be a hilarious joke about how Drew Brees doesn't need scruff, you know, on account of that mole thing...but now you're not getting that either...

Double PS: the funniest thing when google imaging "pedo-stache" is this. Is there anything Bieber can't pull off?

The 2011 St. Louis Rams, Andrew Luck Consolation Prize

Your season may have been injury riddled and sucky, and your team didn't win the grand suck prize of Andrew Luck, a once in a generation talent, or so we're told. So here's this, a little consolation prize from the good people of Fox, hoping to spread some Holiday cheer, from a buxom cheerleader, ironically named Holly.

Despite Pussification of Current NFL Rules, Ndamukong Suh uses Thanksgiving to demonstrate What a “Dirty” Player is.

2 games isn't that bad, Ndamukong Suh. If you did that in public, it would be Assault and Battery.

I’ve had this discussion with friends and family members before, and I was always rebuffed with comments like, “He plays smash mouth football, its great somebody these days does.” Or “He’s a pass rusher dude, he’s supposed to play that way.” This is me standing on my soap box with a smug smile filled with satisfaction declaring emphatically, “I told you so.” Unless you are the least American person in the country and were not watching Packers vs Lions on Thanksgiving 2011, you bore witness to Mr. Suh, greatly offended when an offensive lineman touched his helmet, decided that an appropriate response to the situation was to spear his assailant (who was lying on the ground) in the bicep with his spikes.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I think Roger Goodell, in his Napoleonic-like crusade to maintain player safety in an intrinsically violent sport, has massively pussified serious aspects of the sport. Pass rushers, like Suh, have to hit quarterbacks within .000125 seconds of them releasing the ball or get hit with a 15 yard “Roughing the Passer” bullshit call (As much as I love you, Tom Brady, this is partially your fault due to your irate gesticulations and furious berating of officials over the years every time anyone hit you in the pocket.) Members of any secondary cannot so much as fart near an opposing receiver without drawing some type of penalty (This one is 100 % Saint Dungy’s fault for his endless bitching that his receivers were “man-handled” AKA his team got their ass whooped in the 2004 AFC Title game.)

But as Albert Haynesworth 2.0…uh, I mean Ndamukong Suh proved on a national scale, his complete disregard for other player’s well-being and visceral reactions to contentious moments on the field have entrenched him in the “dirty” category of football players. His emphatic claims that his job is to “hurt people” are evidence of his misguided notion of what the job description of a defensive player in the NFL is supposed to entail. The objective, in my mind, of a defensive player is to prevent the offensive player/team from scoring. This can be done in any number of ways, including tackling the ball carrier, intercepting a pass, or forcing and recovering a fumble. At no point in any of those objectives is the deliberate sabotage of another player’s physical faculty included. Do injuries happen in the course of game? Yes, absolutely. I am not so deluded as to think that players should never get hurt during the course of an NFL game. These guys are the best athletes in the world and are hurling themselves at each other at top speed with unfathomable strength. The chances that something twists the wrong way are fairly high. And if this happens during the course of what a player is supposed to be doing, well, shit happens.

But a deliberate stomp with the sharpened metal end of your footwear onto a man’s unexposed arm? What if that had been his wrist and he went out for the rest of the regular season? An NFL player’s livelihood and ability to do his job is almost entirely dependent on his physical health, and absolutely no player has the right, Suh included, to purposefully and spitefully take that from another player regardless of the nature of the sport. I actually like Suh when he plays the game the right way. He has the strength of a bull elephant, and he plays with a tenacity matched by few others in the league these days. But at the same time, he has the unrestrained emotionality and petulant reasoning that plagues many immature players, and his most recent offense coupled with his past instances of placing an oversized toe over the line have firmly entrenched him, at least for me, within the realm of a “dirty player.” Whether Suh attempts to reform this image or embrace it and deal with the sanctions that this type of style typically brings from the league office is up to him. For now though, I’ll enjoy calling him “Stompin’ Suh” until I can come up with a funnier name for him (or someone else does, then I can shamelessly steal it and pretend it’s my own material.)

P.S This might be an Alt Tab first, but I made it through an entire rant without using the word "fuck." Well, until right there. In any case, props to me for being civil for at least one entry.

Quick Slants: Musings and Thoughts after 10 weeks of the NFL Season

Fact: This guy and his team are the top dogs in the NFL

Quick Slants: Thoughts and Musings on the NFL After Week 10

Well, it certainly has been a while since I put together a piece on the NFL landscape (with my other amazing piece coming back in Week 3) so suffice to say, the various scenarios around the league have transformed quite a bit. Even with that being said, with the exception of the juggernaut Packers, I have no fucking idea what to make of the rest of the league: every team seems capable of shitting their pants on a given week (Staring angrily at you and your Ravens Joe Flacco…the SEAHAWKS??? REALLY?) or just going out and completely dominating (The Houston Texans have looked absolutely sensational, especially against the Bucs…but now they lost their starting QB for the year and are forced to start…USC “superstar” Matt Leinhard, good luck winning a game the rest of the year) So, with the waters as clear as a muddy puddle, let me start out your day with another edition of Quick Slants

-As a Patriots fan, I lead off with them. I honestly wish I could have sent a Polaroid of me posing in front of a roaring fireplace with various hunting trophies above the mantle, me puffing on a big cigar while giving a giant middle finger, then I would mail it to every ESPN analyst/journalist who wrote the Patriots off for dead, just because we lost 2 games against quality opponents. As Belichick said, “37 points against the best defense in the league, suck my dick.” Even with that being said, the overall style of this team hasn’t changed at all. Live and Die by the Offense, because the defense is being held together with Elmer’s Glue and Scotch Tape

-There are few things in life more enjoyable than arrogant douche bags failing miserably at what they are paid to do, then yell at other people for their ineptitude on national TV. Suffice to say, the Chargers standing at 4-5 and Phillip River’s utter futility this season makes me smile with unfathomable glee. It’s typical Norv Turner: Give him all the talent in the world, he will find a way to mis-manage and coach it completely incorrectly. Sadly, their division sucks SO bad that they are only one game out.

-Welp, the Bills early season explosion out of the gates is fizzling quicker than Rick Perry is in achieving the GOP nomination (Did anyone see him forget what he was going to say during a debate for a straight minute? That one goes in the “Awkward moments” Hall of Fame.) As this blogger so intelligently predicted week 3, the Bills defense absolutely sucks and teams are gashing them with a healthy blend of running and passing. They have also realized, “Oh, Fred Jackson is accounting for 45 % of their offense, if we stop him they probably won’t win.” It also doesn’t help that Leodis McKelvin and Drayton Florence have combined for 104 pass interference calls between them.

-Is there absolutely any doubt that Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback/MVP in the league right now? I have debated this issue extensively with my patriot homer friends who adamantly defend Tom Brady’s honor and angrily question my loyalty for daring to pick someone else. Look, I am as glad as ANYONE we have Tom Brady as our quarterback. He is fucking competitive as hell and talented to boot. But this season he has been forcing the issue a little bit, off on the throws he usually makes, and forcing balls into coverage when he should know better. At THIS CURRENT MOMENT, Aaron Rodgers is better. Period. Every single statistic, along with the advanced ones I’m too lazy to look up, will validate this. He is on pace to throw for 5200 yards, have a completion percentage of 73%, tie Tom Brady’s touchdown record at 50, and has only thrown 3 FUCKING INTERCEPTIONS. He is putting up these insane numbers without turning the balls over, which is ridiculous because it is a testament to how well he is throwing the ball. Not to mention he can throw on the move as well as anyone I have ever seen and even run when the situation calls for it. Sorry guys, this dude is in his prime and is taking over as the best QB in the league

-While we are giving our accolades, the winners of the “Most miserably failing to live up to pre-season hype award” goes to….the Philadelphia Eagles! Seriously, I was a little surprised at their 1-2 start, but I expected them to turn it around, despite their crappy defense. Instead, they have completely torpedoed their season through a combination of Mike Vick trying to do too much, a porous offensive line that resembles a wet Kleenex tissue, and jumping offside when it was apparent to everyone in the world that that was what the Giants were trying to do. These guys are not making the playoffs, and given what we have seen, it’s not all that surprising. Don’t worry, that huge megadeal you gave to Mike Vick after last season when you didn’t have to doesn’t look completely idiotic right now.

-Tim Tebow’s sole purpose in this life is make people pissed off and argue about him, and I think the sanctimonious bastard loves every second of it. Seriously, would anyone even give the Broncos a second look if it wasn’t for the “Tebow Effect?” He gives every critic amble ammo to rail on him: his throws are wobbly and soft, his footwork sucks, and he couldn’t hit water with a pass if he threw it off of a boat in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean…BUT he continues to win. His completely unorthodox style has kept defenses off balance and has allowed him some modicum of success through running the ball and making opportunistic throws in addition to leading fourth quarter comebacks. Absolutely baffling. I despised him in college because the media refused to stop blowing him, but now I find myself rooting for him because all the meat head media dickheads hate him. Plus, the objective of the game is to win, not fulfill some arbitrary notion of what the role of “Quarterback” entails, and thus far, he has done that.

-The NFC South is going to come down to either the Falcons or the Saints, but given the results of Sundays game, I’d say the Saints are coming out of that division. Their offense is still top tier in spite of a putrid defense, while the Falcons are actually an equally balanced football team. The Falcons looked like they had straightened things out before this Sunday, winning three games in a row while rookie Julio Jones was showing everyone why Atlanta sold their next 10 drafts to get him. But after Mike Smith’s terrible call to go for it on 4^th and inches on his OWN 29 YARD LINE IN OVERTIME, the Saints were given a nice early Christmas present and are now in charge in the division. That said, I still think the Falcons are a team that should be matched down the stretch, they have the players to make a late season run.

-I’m honestly really let down the Texans lost Matt Schaub for the rest of the season, because this FINALLY looked like the year they were going to not only make the playoffs, but make some noise when they got there. They had great offensive weapons in Owen Daniels, Arian Foster, Jacoby Jones, Ben Tate, and (when healthy) Andre Johnson, and Wade Phillips had COMPLETELY revamped what was the worst defense in the NFL just a season ago. Really bummed out, because I rooted for them every year to kick the Colts ass and bust Peyton’s arrogant, douchey face in, even if they got their ass kicked every time they played the colts. Oh well, if the Texans are going to fizzle/barely scrape out the division, at least the Colts are 0-10 (and Peyton has to watch every second of it. I am once again extremely happy)

-Teams that are irrelevant/too boring/one’s I don’t car enough about to write a huge entry on, so they will get a “blogger blurb,” which is more than they deserve: Bengals: young and promising, not quite there, Ravens: Maddeningly inconsistent, Flacco has regressed (fuck you, Joe, I hate the fact you occupy a roster spot on my fantasy team) Jaguars: Blaine Gabbert has a nice head of hair, Maurice Jones Drew still good Titans: Matt Hasselbeck has risen from the dead, Chris Johnson making his GM trash his office almost every week by rushing for 30 yards despite getting tens of millions of dollars. Browns: Colt McCoy is not the answer, receiving core awful, Peyton Hillis looks like a one hit wonder Vikings: Despite their awful record, I firmly believe Christian Ponder can succeed in this league, despite his bad numbers thus far. He’s faced the Packers twice, which sucks for him, but he is athletic, fast, and his a big arm and usually makes good reads for a young kid. Watch him in the future. 49ers: Apparently good, defense is quite solid, Patrick Willis is an absolute beast, I take back that middle finger I gave Frank Gore Week 3 (unless it was the reason he had 5 straight 100+ yard games, then it still stands) Giants: Fuck them and Eli’s dumb face, nothing to say about these dicks. Lions: Still much better than anyone expected, but appearing to be experiencing some growing pains, as most young teams do. Their 3 losses came against quality opponents (49ers, Bears, Falcons) so look for them to continue to excel down the stretch, especially with the Putrid Panthers up next Panthers: Cam Newton to Steve Smith is good, the rest of the team not so much.

-The Steelers look to be, along with the Patriots, the class of the AFC. Big Ben is playing at a ridiculously high level, and with the exception of their 2 losses against the bi-polar Ravens, have been dominant against the rest of the league. Big Ben has recovered from his early season struggles, with 3 touchdowns and 5 picks through the first 4 games, with a resurgent 13 touchdown passes and 4 picks over his next 6 games. He also remains fucking IMPOSSIBLE to sack, due to his massive wooly mammoth like frame and my firm believe he douses his entire body and uniform in Crisco before every game. Once they get back ALL of their linebackers, since 1 or 2 of them have been missing from a majority of their games, (Farrior, Woodley, and Harrison) they are going to be downright scary. Fucking A’, that last section made me throw up twice while writing it, once because it was praising the Steelers and second because our new pet cat shit all over the coach RIGHT NEXT TO ME while I was writing.

Running Diary: Patriots vs. Cowboys, Part 1

Foreshadowing is Always Fun

Hello everyone, my shameless and blatant rip off of Bill Simmons “Running Diary” concept is back for its NFL styled debut, featuring a potential shootout with the hometown New England Patriots against the underperforming yet dangerous Dallas Cowboys. As always, my notes/observations at a given point is what I was thinking in real time, with creative additions sprinkled in for entertainment purposes. Without further adieu, let’s get to it. (Note: The times posted are just my general estimate for what the game clock was)

Part ½: First Half

1^st Quarter

15:00 New England kicking off to Dallas, which is fine by me. Let Tony Romo take the field with a week full of criticism on his mind and no chance for the defense to take some of the pressure off of him.

12:15 Wow, as if on cue or the fact he just can’t help himself, Tony Romo overthrows his intended receiver and gets picked off by Kyle Arrington. Romo has the unique ability to throw off his back foot, yet still miss his target high by 10 feet. Most QB’s who do that get picked off by a DB jumping the route, so I guess sucking in a unique way is commendable, Tony.

10:15-9:01 After getting deep into Dallas territory, Patriots uncharacteristically stall out their drive on 2 incompletions, even though Brady could have walked into the endzone on 2^nd down (Dallas was in man coverage and NOBODY was looking back) followed by Demarcus Ware crushing Brady. Sigh. Gotskowski booms an easy one for 3-0 Pats lead.

8:36-7:20 To some degree, I understand the Cowboys conservative playcalling early. They want to get settled in and get Romo some confidence. But you have Jason Witten, Miles Austin, and Dez Bryant as weapons. Why all this underneath stuff/running plays? Whatever, I won’t complain.

-Kyle Love makes a great run stuff on 2^nd down, but Patriots get burned when they send the house on a blitz and Romo finds Bryant for a first down.

6:45-5:15- Run defense has been excellent so far. Even though a Demarco Murray run was negated by a hold, Brandon Spikes shot the gap and CRUSHED him. He has been stepping the fuck up the past few weeks. Guy plays with a tenacity and attitude we haven’t had since Rodney Harrison left. Throw in the fact he looks like (and treats other life forms with the vindictiveness of) a Predator and it’s doubly awesome.

-Also awesome is Romo getting a case of Happy Feet and getting sacked by Andre Carter on 3^rd down. Pats ball off a punt

4:53-3:56 Holy shit, that couldn’t have gone worse. Brady’s pass gets tipped at the line and the DB covering Branch intercepts it. Not sure is Brady’s delivery point is a tad low or defenses just know to get their hands up at this point, but a lot of passes being influenced at the line.

-Meanwhile, Chung kills Miles Austin for daring to come over the middle, and the Pats get REALLY lucky on an endzone play where McCourty interfered with the pass since he didn’t bother to look for the ball because a Dallas O-lineman got caught holding.

-Gerrard Warren smushes Tashard Choice into human paste on a rush, 4^th down field goal for Dallas. Tie game 3-3.

3:09-1:00 You have got to be FUCKING kidding me. Slater apparently decided it was his turn to get invited to the turnover party and fumbles despite a Dallas player barely caressing his arm carrying the ball. Sloppy execution by Pats early.

-Despite not blitzing/stacking the box the past 100 games, Bill clearly wants to pressure Romo because we’re showing and/or bringing heavy pressure frequently.

-VINCE WILFORK=turnover machine, gets his bear claw sized mitt on the ball and causes a fumble. Dallas apparently hates the hot potato( edit:football) as much as we do.

1:00-End 1^st- BJGE (don’t feel like writing his 432 letter name) is the anti-Lawrence Maroney and I love it. Dude finds the hole, hits it hard running North/South, and never fumbles. No dumbfuck tap dancing routine for 5 seconds before getting hit for a loss.

-What I don’t love is Dan Connolly completely whiffing on his block and letting Demarcus Ware destroy Brady for the second time in the game. I have to think the temptation to sacktap Connolly on the next down for Brady is overwhelming.

-Underwhelming is the score after 1 quarter, tied 3-3

2^nd Quarter

15:00-12:07- Brady slings it on a beautiful out pattern to Deion Branch while Gronk throws a massive lead block which gets him an extra 15 yards. God, why did we ever let Branch walk in 2006? Memories of Reche Caldwell/Doug Gabriel still haunt me.

-Brady TAKES OFF with his Usain Bolt like (edit: Sumo wrestler running through a tub of molasses wearing bricks as shoes) speed. Couldn’t help but be scared, 2008 makes me permanently paranoid whenever Brady leaves the pocket.

-Yet again, Patriots stall their drive with a stuffed run, then an untimely holding call on Solder. Very uncharacteristic, another field goal, 6-3 Patriots.

12:07-10:55- This section is sponsored by “Tony Romo’s massive suckage.” Pure gold for anyone not rooting for Dallas.

-After a quick first down, Tony throws an easy swing pass 10 feet behind the running back, then follows it up with a beautiful spiral…right into triple coverage. A shame it wasn’t picked off. Then again, our guys couldn’t have expected THAT bad of a throw.

-Romo, to his credit, improves drastically on third by completing a throw to a bare spot of grass. Good job Tony. Pats ball off the punt.

10:37-7:34 Since defenses have picked up on the Gronk seam route, the Gronk screen is a new weapon that works to great effect. Basically runs people over until 5 defenders converge and hogtie him down to the field.

-Brady works a beautiful hardcount exposing a Cowboys blitz, but someone fucking moves on the O-line. How his vocal chords are still functioning is beyond me, because he barks out plays louder than any QB I know.

-Hernandez and his slippery after the catch magic works two plays in a row. Elusive bastard, he is.

-Note to opposing defenses: On third and short with no one lined up over the center, Brady is running up the middle.

-Brady slings it out to Welker FOR A TD. Refs fuck up the call, but review corrects it. 13-3 Pats.

7:34-End of 2^nd Quarter- Dallas drive begins with ANOTHER fucking flag. Haven’t mentioned it, but the Refs are literally like a desperate puppy pining for attention this game. Making every effort to insert themselves by coating the field in yellow fabric to great anger on my part. Let the boys play, dickhead.

-OUCH, Dez Bryant finally breaks off a huge play, shattering Pat Chung’s ankles million tiny pieces on a juke, scampers for 45 yards.

-Swing pass to Tashard Choice who STEAMROLLS Kyle Arrington on a five yard game. That looked painful. Maybe the hit will finally teach our DB’s to stop arm tackling and go for guys legs once in a while.

-Jesus, another whiff by McCourty on a pass to Laurent Robinson for 50 yard gash. I know McCourty had an insane rookie year and to expect him to follow that success up was highly unlikely, but there have been times this year where he hasn’t just looked bad, he’s been really awful. I think, as a developing player, we should revert to giving him safety help over the top instead of isolating him like we did last season. But that’s just me.

-I didn’t know the Cowboys had a white tight end not named “Witten” but apparently they do, as he caught a pass to make it first and goal for Dallas. Our “Bend-don’t Break” approach is bending more than a circus contortionist on this drive.

-Well, there’s the “break” we were supposed to be avoiding, as Romo slings it to Witten for a touchdown. Damn it, who’s the imposter in the Romo jersey because he looked like a confident and competent quarterback. Not only did Dallas get back in the game on the scoreboard, but that drive ate up more than 7 minutes of clock, leaving the Pats with no time and basically just running out the clock. 13-10 Pats at the half. Basically, we are getting the close competitive game we expected, albeit with considerably less offense.

That’s it for Part 1, mainly since I don’t feel like writing anymore and your Generation Y ADHD is demanding you switch tasks at this point, so I’ll deliver Part 2: Second Half tomorrow.

Note to All Offense Oriented Football Teams: To be a Superbowl Champion, Defense is Necessary

While increasingly undervalued in today's NFL, defense is an essential component of any  Superbowl Winner

            During one of my many browsing sessions through the endless realms of sports related internet content when I stumbled upon this quote from Greg EasterBrook:

The New England coach is nothing if not analytical, and realized -- especially with the past decade of rule changes intended to favor offense -- that defense-oriented teams sometimes win but high-scoring teams almost always win. There are coaches who strategize to come out ahead in a low-scoring defensive struggle. For the past five years, Belichick has been strategizing to spin the scoreboard. The Patriots under Belichick are now 62-3 when scoring at least 30 points. A high-scoring team almost always wins, so Belichick has undergone a religious conversion, from defense to offense

From a purely observational standpoint, I say this is complete and utter bullshit.  Not the bit about Belichick being analytical and adjusting as the situation warrants.  But I do have massive problems with the statement that “Offense always wins.”  That statement should be re-defined to “Offense almost always wins during the regular season, but relying on it entirely will not work in the postseason.” My beloved Patriots, who have enjoyed immense success for the past decade, recently have delved into the realm of post season futility, losing their last three “second season” games.  Underlying theme of those games?  Patriots offensive prowess was limited to 14 points, 14 points, and 21 points in those matchups.  You know why?  Despite the shift towards making sure the offense is a well oiled machine, a good defense, especially when points are so crucial in the playoffs, is absolutely necessary is you want to bring home the Lombardi.  Instead of relying on my potentially biased New England homer opinions, it’s time to bring some validation to my assertions in the form of “Statistics”

Here are the offensive/defensive stats per game during the regular season of the last 10 Super Bowl Winners just to ensure we cover the gamut of this alleged “Offense Wins” era football.

2010 Green Bay Packers

Offense: 9^th overall, 24.2 pts/gm, 358 yds/gm, 3^rd down % -.42, T/O diff. +10

Defense: 5^th overall, 15.0 pts/gm, 309.1 yds/gm, 3^rd down %, 36, Int/Fum rec=24/8, Sacks= 47

2009 New Orleans Saints

Offense: 1^st overall, 31.9 pts/gm, 403.8 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .45, T/O Diff. +11

Defense:25^th overall, 21.3 pts/gm/ 357 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .38, Int/Fum rec. 26/13, Sacks= 35

2008 Pittsburgh Steelers

Offense:  22nd overall, 21.7 pts/gm, 311.9 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .41, T/O Diff. +4

Defense: 1^st overall, 13.9 pts/gm, 237.2 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .31, Int/Fum Rec. 20/9, Sacks=51

2007 New York Giants (Fuck, that is still painful to write)

Offense:  16^th overall, 23.3 pts/gm, 331.4 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .42, T/O Diff. -9

Defense: 7^h overall, 21.9 pts/gm, 305 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .35, Int/Fum Rec. 15/10, Sacks=53

2006 Indianapolis Colts (One of the rare instances a shitty defensive team actually wins it all)

Offense:  3^rd overall, 26.7 pts/gm, 379.4 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .56, T/O Diff. +7

Defense: 21^st overall, 22.5 pts/gm, 332.2 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .47,Int/Fum Rec. 15/11,Sacks=25

2005 Pittsburgh Steelers

Offense:  15^th overall, 24.3 pts/gm, 321.8 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .35, T/O Diff. +7

Defense: 4^th overall, 16.1 pts/gm, 284 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .40, Int/Fum Rec. 15/11, Sacks=47

2004 New England Patriots

Offense:  7^th overall, 27.3 pts/gm, 357.6 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .45, T/O Diff. +9

Defense: 9^th overall, 16.2 pts/gm, 310.8 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .39, Int/Fum Rec. 20/16, Sacks=45

2003 New England Patriots

Offense:  17^th overall, 21.8 pts/gm, 314.9 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .37, T/O Diff. +17

Defense:7^th overall,14.9 pts/gm, 291.6 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .34, Int/Fum Rec. 29/12, Sacks=41

2002 Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Offense: 24^th overall, 21.6 pts/gm, 312.6 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .36, T/O Diff. +17

Defense: 1^st overall, 12.2 pts/gm, 258.2 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .34, Int/Fum Rec. 31/7, Sacks=43

2001 New England Patriots

Offense:  19^th overall, 23.2 pts/gm, 305.1 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .41, T/O Diff. +7

Defense: 24^th overall, 17 pts/gm, 334.5 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .37, Int/Fum Rec. 22/13, Sacks=41

The trends I noticed? Despite the fact Superbowl winning teams have very good to superior offenses, it was essential to have a defense that EXCELLED in a particular aspect. Those teams that had the entire package (’05 Packers, ’02 Bucs) offset their limited offenses with absolutely insane defensive metrics by forcing a ridiculous number of turnovers and generating consistent pressure on the quarterback with each having 43+ sacks.  With the exception of the 2006 Colts, every single Superbowl Winning team in the “Era of Offense” NFL, has had one or two dimensions to their defense that excelled at what they did.  Maybe they gave up a lot of yards, or weren’t able to get off the field on third down, but the 2007 Giants had a DOMINANT pass rush and the 2009 New Orleans Saints had a very opportunistic, turnover generating defense that gave their dominant offense additional opportunities on the field.

            By no means am I saying having a great offense is something to be ignored or discounted.  What I am saying as that the overemphasis on that side of the ball often leads to massive deficiencies on defense, an ESSENTIAL component if you want your hometeam to bring home the hardware in February.  It may serve a number of teams (This years Patriots, Bills, and Raiders) to note that a reduced focus on your offense in order to shore up your defense, while perhaps forgoing present success, would ultimately serve your franchise well when it comes time to perform in the playoffs. 

To: Tedy Bruschi Subject: Chill out Bro, You Mad

        Just as a quick foreward so as not to alarm anyone, I'm Sean Morency and the newest writer for the blog.  I previously had my own blog (Kind of a Big Deal here at blogger.com) that was more of a personal digital journal with a small (edit: almost nonexistent) following, but CW made the executive decision to bring me on board, so hopefully I can contribute some entertaining pieces and induce some laughter for those who desperately need to procrastinate from the repellent "real world" tasks that they have to attend to.  Without further adieu, here's my debut for team Alt-Tab

Tedy Bruschi- "Drop the awe factor, OK, Ocho? Chad, drop the awe factor," Bruschi said. "You’re not a fan, all right. You’re not someone who’s on another team or watching TV. You’re not an analyst. You’re a part of it. They want you to be a part of it. So get with the program because obviously you’re not getting it and you’re tweeting because you’re saying, ‘It’s amazing to see’? It’s amazing to see because you don’t understand it. You still don’t understand it and it’s amazing to you because you can’t get it.
"Stop tweeting and get in your playbook," Bruschi added. "Wake up! If you’re just waking up now — I don’t know when this was, six minutes ago? — get out your bed and get to the stadium and watch some film if you still think it’s amazing. If you’re in it and you know what you’re doing and you execute out there you don’t think it’s amazing. You know why? Because it’s what you’re supposed to do."

Don't get me wrong, Tedy Bruschi was one of my all time favorite Patriot players.  His no-bullshit, do your job mantra combined with his uncanny play making ability undeniably contributed to the fastidious devotion to the game of football by every member of the team during the 2001-2004 run.  That being said, in this instance I believe Tedy is coming off extremely harsh as well as a "holier than thou" asshole.  Yes, Chad Ochocinco did not exactly delight fantasy owners nor wow anyone watching the game with his box score production of one reception for 14 yards.  But to indict the guy with this harsh condemnation on his work ethic and commitment to the team after one game??  Talk about some extreme reaction-ism.  Let's all keep in mind this is not, as many idiotic WEEI callers firmly believe, the same as when we brought in Randy Moss.  Despite the obvious differences in receiving style and demeanor, Moss had the benefit of multiple off season workouts prior to training camp, meaning he had much more time to absorb the offensive system deployed by the Patriots.  It wouldn't surprise me in the slightest, despite the tireless work ethic that Tom Brady openly vouches Chad possesses, to figure that Ochocinco is still 2 or 3 weeks behind on what exactly his role in the offense is and how much of the playbook he currently understands.  Our other "big season" acquisition, both literally and figuratively, Albert Haynesworth received limited reps on his side of the ball as well.  The learning curve in this system is steep, and patience is a necessary virtue before we can fairly evaluate whether or not Ochocinco is producing.
         Additionally, from what I saw of the (nearly flawless) execution of the Pats game plan, Brady was entirely content to rely on short crossing routes by Welker (with the except of his 99 yard touchdown sprint borne out of an idiotic coverage scheme by the Dolphins), Deon Branch sitting down in soft spots in the zone, and blatantly exploiting the linebacker/safety coverage of our budding star tight ends in Gronkowski and Hernandez.  Even with Brady slinging the ball 48 times, that doesn't leave alot of room for Ochocinco to grab many passes when he is primarily a moderate to deep route runner with a Pro Bowl corner back in Vontae Davis marking him.  What's to say that the game plan didn't include a wrinkle to use Chad as pseudo-decoy when on the field to take the top off the secondary, opening up those spots underneath for other players to wreak havoc?  The guy only played 25 % of the offensive plays that were fun (18 of 70), perhaps another subtle indication that Belichick knew how to dissect the Dolphins without the need for down the field go-routes.
       We all knew what we were getting in Ochocinco; part talented receiver with deceptive smarts and precise route running ability as well as part time entertainer who likes to be paid attention to via his utilization of social media.  If it had been a situation where Chad said something like "Didn't come here for this #frustrated,"  Bruschi's reaction would be completely understandable.  But Chad is simply expressing his delight and pride at being part of organization that he perceives as being the best in the business.  Even masters of their craft express delight from time to time.  I'm pretty sure after Michelangelo finished his work on the Sistine Chapel said the Italian equivalent of "Shit, that's pretty damned impressive what I just finished."
But since tight lipped confidentiality rivaling that of the FBI is how most Patriots personnel handle the media, including Bruschi when he was on the team, Chad's exuberant twitter posting probably came off a "team felony" of sorts to the former line backer turned professional douche-bag...er, I mean football analyst.
      Yes Chad Ochocinco didn't figure prominently in our first game of the season.  Does that mean he's not working hard, that he doesn't care about running precise routes, and that he won't be a useful piece going forward?  Absolutely not. Bruschi, cool your jets bro.  You more than anyone should know how gameplan's and player utilization changes week to week in New England.  It was one game for gods sakes.  Save your righteous tirades for people who actually deserve them, like Jon "Captain Hyperbole" Gruden or every member of the Jersey Shore.