A Few Weeks with A Keurig, and a Few Observations

The CW' household forever changed on Christmas when we received the worlds most talked about countertop appliance, the Keurig. Curious as to what all the hooplah was about I set out to report on any insights gained in my first three weeks with this machine, to see if it could live up to my self-dubbed nickname for it, the White Man's Crack Spoon.

1. It’s clean, like you’d think I’d hired a Puerto rican house keeper named Juanita, until you opened up my silverware drawer and saw that all the forks and knives where still there. I actually can’t get over it. My old coffee maker was an unmitigated disaster. First off, I’d never once changed the water filter on the back, nor do I know anyone that ever has, period. Just your average domestic bio hazard. Secondly, the coffee pot itself was tinged a darker shade of brown than hypothetical Juanita. Why? Because I’m a lazy cleaner, I just rinse it out, and scrub it once a year or so. I just never saw the point…it’s stained from the same stuff I’m going to be making today, right? It’s like that piece of Tupperware you have that is forever tinged red/orange because of that one time you froze spaghetti sauce in it. There’s nothing wrong with it, its just a little off colored. Finally, my counter was just littered with coffee stains, because, for some reason, the makers of coffee pots haven’t figured out how to make a fucking lip that won’t dribble all over the place like a 3 year old learning to pee standing up for the first time when you go to pour a fresh cup in the morning. That shit drove me insane. And now that’s all gone. None of that is present in the Keurig. There is no water filter to my knowledge (not that this knowledge would change anything). There is no pot to clean, and there is no pouring of the coffee. It’s the dream.

2. It’s all people want to talk about. I thought it was strange how much people wanted to talk about the Keurig after I received it on Christmas, but figured it was the novelty and the fact that I’d just got it that day…I could have told everyone that I’d won $50k on a scratch ticket and they’d have been more interested in the Keurig. I have a cousin who swore up and down that he’d never even seen one before (he lives out in Hawaii, so maybe it’s possible? I don’t know), needless to say he was immediately converted to the legions of k-cup zombie followers, I think if he tried a few more flavors he would have offered me $200 on the spot for it. But still, people still wouldn’t be clinging to this banal piece of domesticity three weeks later, would they? Yes. Yes they would. It’s like a cult. I had a 3 day e-mail exchange with late blogger, The Maestro, over various flavors and purchasing strategies. We’ve had friends over, who upon seeing the Divine appliance, begin babbling in tongues, raving about their favorite flavors and how this seemingly innocuous device has changed their lives. It’s wild. And it's the same conversation every time: "Oh, we have one of those too! Don't you love it? Our favorite flavor is xyz, what's yours? You know you can buy the pods cheaper here (generic place they happened to find a sale)." It's madness, I tell ya.

3. “Single Serving” is a bit of a misnomer. First off, it has two settings, small and large. Logically, this doesn’t make sense. A single serving, is a single serving, is a single serving. Pick a size and go with it. Secondly, one person’s single serving is another person’s sip, ya know? Like, look at my mug. I’ll pause while you take it in…Yes, that is a Winston’s cup 25th anniversary coffee mug, celebrating all the great champions of NASCAR Yore, the time period right before Jeff Gordon showed up and made it a pussy sport. I love that mug, and it’s because Jeff Gordon isn’t on it…Anyway, I digress. It’s a BIG FUCKING mug and two large’s doesn’t quite fill this up, but 3 is too much, messing with my daily fuel consumption, and possibly leading to the lack of productivity on this blog lately. I’ve more or less assimilated, so this isn’t a big deal anymore, but still, given that this is America, and as a people we are by and large, anywhere between overweight to mordibly obese, I find it odd that Keurig would select such a small pour for their definition of “single serving.” I'm an American and I’ll be damned if I’m going to give up my un-alienable right to diabeetus, for the convenience of not having to deal with the social stigma that my dingy brown coffee mug created whenever guests caught a glimpse of it.

4. It’s not quicker people. It’s just not. This is by far my biggest pet peeve when discussing the Keurig. And if you think it is quicker, it means one of two things, A) You’re not the one making the coffee in your household, or B) You were doing it wrong before.

Point A was the biggest selling point in my fiancée’s (still really weird to say/type) marketing campaign in favor of us becoming a Single Serving household, which I repeatedly shot down with vigor (we only converted due to Christmas). See, I make the coffee in the house. I get up, add the water, scoop the ginds, and press the “on” button. The fiancée gets up and gets in the shower. A cup of perfectly mixed coffee magically appears upon her exit. Even if you were to buy into the idea that the Keurig is quicker, there would be no time saved on her end, as there was not time spent to begin with. Despite my contention that my stance was well rooted in logic, we would bicker over this selling point like the old couple we’ll surely become.

Point B is all about efficiency. If you were an idiot, and stood blankly staring at your previous coffee pot as it percolated and dripped endlessly for 5-6 minutes, then yes, the Keurig is faster, but that’s just because you’re a moron. If you were smart, you simply poured the water, scooped the grinds hit “on” and went on with your business, returning only to pour the coffee once it’s done. This is not possible with the Keurig. If you’re like me and take a double dose, you must stand there while the water heats for an extended period of time (but not so extended that it makes sense to walk away and take care of something else), put in the first pod, watch it pour, and then put in the second pod, and again, watch it pour. This is a complete waste of time, and it’s possible this is another reason for the lack of productivity on this blog in the morning. And for the nitpickers who will ask, why watch it pour? Why not walk away? Because, the Keurig does not use a heating apparatus once the coffee has poured, unlike a traditional coffee pot. And being a sane, non-psychotic person that I am, I prefer my coffee not be served at room temperature. This necessitates my consumption process starting shortly thereafter the coffee is poured.

5. It is fun. Despite the negativity of the two previous points, I very much look forward to weekends with my Keurig. You might say I feind for it. Twice since bringing our newborn home I’ve woken up on a Saturday morning, nudged the fiancée and said “hey, lets go make coffee!” Old me would have been appalled. Old me would have rolled out of bed hours later and drove to Dunkin Donuts. Yes, I’ve become a K-Kup Krazie weekend warrior.

On Second Thought....

Did I say see you Tuesday? I meant Wednesday. Sorry guys, still trying to come down from the weekend, much like this little savage down here. We'll be back tomorrow full time, with big news and bigger blogs (unless of course one of the many talented staff writers accredited to this site pitch something in today...)

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, and Happy Chanukah Too

There's not many Christmas songs that CW endorses, but Conan's "Minty Fell on the Ground" is one of the select few. It's got everything you need, a holiday symbol, a few wise cracks, a reference to excrement, and the word Christmas, that's it, that's the formula for Christmas Carol success...It's so damn catchy I may have to revise my recent blog about things I'm compelled to yell or sing when they pop in my head, because I've been belting out this number for the past 24 hours, with no end in sight...should be an interesting day at work.

I've also begun re-thinking Seany-Mo's definitive blog in which it was decided that Thanksgiving narrowly beats out Christmas in the Battle of the Holiday Heavyweights. I'm not saying I'm quite ready to overturn his decision, I'm just saying these last few days have made me realize its probably not as clear cut as previously thought. Note for my Yiddish followers, though your Holiday may not be in the running of the Battle of the Holiday Heavyweights, I promise there's a section just for you at the end of this blog...But please read the whole blog.

When it comes down to the actual day of the Holiday, I personally think Thanksgiving takes it in a landslide, you have 3 main objectives, eat, watch football, and finding a relaxed, comfortable position on the couch for maximum digestion. The actual day of Christmas is a bit more hectic than that, there's kids with new toys, wrapping paper everywhere, that random fruitcake or odd desert that no one really wants to eat but you feel compelled to take a bite, lest anyone feel bad on Christmas, only then you end up feeling like a hypochondriac the rest of the day wondering if your stomach is rumbling because of that half bite of fruitcake you had, or the 3.5 pounds of turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, and cheese cake. There's just a lot going on Christmas day, and frankly it's too much for me.

But here's where it gets interesting, in weighing Christmas, I really think you have consider the lead up to the day, almost as much as the day. And Christmas smokes Turkey Day in that regard. Sure the week leading up to Thanksgiving I'm mildly excited about the eating and drinking and football, but that's nothing compared to Christmas. For like 3 straight weeks I'm actively thinking, excitedly, about A) What I'm getting for Christmas, and B) What I'm giving for Christmas (here's a hint, gift cards), but mainly A.

There's nothing like chilling on the couch a few feet away from your tree with a couple of wrapped presents underneath it for building anticipation, or knowing that gifts specifically earmarked for you are probably in the closet right next to your bed while you're trying to go to sleep. It keeps me up nightly. I turn into a quasi Brad Pitt in the critically acclaimed SE7EN, only in a good, " I wonder what Santa brought me this year!" kind of way, not in a, is my dead wife's going to pop out of there like a jack-in-the-box kind of way.

Call me crazy, but I just think you have to count that level of anticipation into the overall ranking of the holiday. I've been giddy like a kid all week just waiting for this weekend to get here, I mean, I took the day off this past Monday and this has still easily been the lonnnngeestt week I think I've ever worked. I spent the better part of Wednesday afternoon, assuming it was Friday, so you can imagine how Thursday felt, and I how I'm bordering on a manic breakdown as I prepare for work right now (I'm sitting in my bathrobe debating whether I could skate through today by logging on from home and pretending to do work but really watching a marathon of Home Alone, HA2, Christmas Vacation, and Bad Santa)...and that's the other thing about the lead up to Christmas, the movies. Thanksgiving's got shit for movies unless you count that depressing as hell Charlie Brown's Thanksgiving special, which I don't. And the thing about Christmas movies is they have something for everyone's genre, no matter what your taste in movies. You want an action movie complete with dead European hostage takers? Bam, Lethal Weapon. You want a boring as hell black and white movie that only your grandparents can relate to? It's a Wonderful Life. Want to remember the simpler days as a kid when all you wanted was the coolest toy so you could fit in with all the other kids? Christmas Story. A kid or delusional adult who still likes cartoons? Disney's got ya covered. Have a weird affinity for seeing Will Ferrel run around in bright yellow tights with his bulge exposed for an hour and a half? Merry Christmas, here's your own personal copy of Elf. We've even got movies for those of you who are somehow depressed this time of the year, hope you enjoy A Christmas Carol(scroll like midway down). There's something for everyone (except Jews and Kwanzans), and that's something to be considered.

All that said, I'm not quite ready to dethrone Thanksgiving, but this new line of thought has probably made the contest closer than ever in my mind, but there is still just something to be said for a Holiday where it is socially acceptable, if not outright encouraged, for you to unbutton your pants and sit in the company of your siblings, parents, grandparents, and even aunts and uncles, in front of the warm glow of a plasma TV, with all of your pants opened. It's Magic.

Now, as promised for loyal Jewish following (do I have a Jewish following? It would really help to know my demographic, go a head and toss me an interesting at the end of this if you're Jewish, that way I'll know to cater to you in the future), I give you, Conan O'Briens "Human Centipede Menorah"

A couple of observations here, 1) There must have been all out, royal rumble style, fist fights backstage to decide who got to be the head in this ridiculous costume...I wouldn't be surprised if a one or two people gave their life trying to win the right to be the lead. And 2) One thing I've always been confused about, Chanukah (I prefer the "Ch" spelling, it seems more traditional, though this is coming from a devoutly non-Jewish person) is eight days long, yet there are nine candles on the Menorah. What gives? If ya'll were worried about the oil lasting eight days, maybe just blow out the huge overshadowing candle in the middle? I've just always found that strange, and I'm sure I'm not the first to ask, probably every wise-ass 2nd grader in Hebrew school has asked that throughout time, but that's the thing about me, I have the same inquisitive, smart-alecky mind of a Yiddish 8 year old. So along with throwing me an "interesting" after this blog, if you could leave a message detailing the reasoning behind the 9th light which overshadows all other lights, that would be fantastic.

Thanks to everyone who read this post in it's entirety, I wish you all a Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, and whatever else you're celebrating...for the rest of you who just skimmed, for shame.

Just kidding, thanks for everyones support, see ya'll Tuesday.

The Whole Point of Holiday Gag Gifts is Lost on Me Completely.

(CNN) -- If your gift list this year includes gadget-obsessed early adopters who love snatching up the latest electronics, you're in luck. Why not give them an iArm -- an adjustable forearm mount that will let them fiddle with their smartphone, laptop and tablet computer all at the same time? Or for the e-geek on the go, consider the iDrive. Because, let's be honest, we all need a steering-wheel mount to help play with our tablets and e-readers while we're driving. (What could go wrong?) Sound ridiculous? Well, sure. But these gag products may at least let you fool your family and friends for a few seconds.

I honestly just don't get gag gifts, I just don't see the point. Sure I've purchased them from time to time, but only when I'm involved in some kind of hokey gift swap where I'm probably going home with a long range nerf rifle or something. Otherwise, aren't you just burning money? Rich readers can stop reading right now, but for the rest of you, what kind of statement are you making when you go out and just throw away $20 on some ridiculous gag gift? 

Especially adults, you know what a gag gift as an adult should be? A bottle of booze. If you're going to a gift swap and your gift isn't alcohol related, just know you're an ass. Sure it'll get a few laughs but at first, but at the end of the day, the guy that ended up going home with a copy of Brokeback Mountain and a box of Kleenex will hold that against you forever (true story), similarly if someone gets stuck with a carpenters tool belt and a Ricky Martin picture book, they'll forever assume you're into some weird stuff...its more of a reflection of your tastes than a joke on me (also a true story).  

Part of the reason I'm so vehemently against gag gifts too, is because of the setting they're usually given in, the office. Personally I have a hard time finding that line that you cannot cross (though previously I would have assumed Brokeback and Kleenex was it), god forbid I run down to my local Amazing and pick up a blow up doll and some lube and all of a sudden I've offended the office administrator. 

Similarly, things that others consider gag gifts, I just consider thoughtful presents. That long range nerf sniper rifle with scope I mentioned? Still one of the top 5 Christmas gifts I've ever gotten. Never jams, very accurate, and it's gotten me out of a situation or two in the streets, frankly. But someone totally brought that thinking that the receiver would hate it (presumably because they work in a professional office and weren't aware that a certain middle manager spends his lunch break over at Target drooling over the new shipments of Nerf artillery), probably pissed them off that I loved it. I know if I was giving a horrendous gift (say a roll of toilet paper and a gift card to a local burrito chain...also true), and someone absolutely loved it, that would throw me for a loop as well. All that planning to try and mildly offend someone, without crossing the line, gone, because the person that ended up with your gift is a weirder bird than you are...that's infuriating. 

So this holiday season, keep it simple, don't go for that goofy theme based snuggy, thinking you're original (snuggy's are so 2009 peeps), just grab a bottle of Vodka, slap a bow on it, and maybe throw in a scratch ticket or two. Trust me, it'll go over huge.

The Alt-Tab's Annual Holiday Party Advice Blog

So yea...taking the day off, back in full force Monday, but here's a timely CW classic for you all to enjoy as we are in the thick of Holiday Work Party Season.

 CW's annual office Christmas Party Holiday Party (sorry have to keep it corporate...shit is "Holiday" allowed? Will that offend Jehovahs that don't celebrate anything?  Lets just replace Holiday with "Winter" and Party with "Event", that should cover it) Winter Event!   

Basically the only positive to working in a gigantic corporate office is that events like this have to be held at big restaurants or hotels in order to accomodate everyone, rather than the standard decorate the office and mingle party.  I look forward to it every year, and despite the fun and seemingly care free atmosphere there are some traps you need to avoid to survive the Holiday Party.

1.  Don't be the guy above.  Every year I see some rookie make the same mistake as he presumably did. "Oh there's free drink tickets until 10 pm? Double Fisting Time!" No dude, this isn't college and we're not at your Frats Christmas themed party.  I like the sauce as much as the next guy but getting as much liquor as you can into your system during the open bar period is a horrible rookie mistake.  We literally have one manager who just walks around during the night looking for jackasses that have had too much.  No one is really sure what happens to the few unlucky souls he finds each year, but they're never seen again and their cubes are always packed up and emptied before we get to work the next day.  Don't be that guy. Have a couple, and save the partying for the after party down the road.

2.  There's liquor, music, members of the opposite sex, and usually some dancing.  You will be lulled into thinking this is your regular Friday or Saturday night pick up seen.  This is a mistake.  Though your dance partner may have been throwing you all the signs you usually look for, you must resist.  First off, everyone else is watching and judging.  The older folks will be jealous of your youthful flirting and that jealousy will affect you in the office.  Secondly, God forbid you hit on the wrong person that some middle aged-middle manager who still lives with his mother has had a crush on but is too much of panzy to do anything about it.  You might as well kiss any chance for promotion goodbye. And finally, mainly for the guys, watch out for the sexual harassment claim.  This is still a work event, work rules apply.  Doesn't matter if the liquor has her loosened up, you don't want to come into work tomorrow at 9 AM with a message from HR asking to see you.

3. If you're feeling the affects of that third Long Island Iced Tea, stay away from the big wigs.  You'll be tempted to schmooze and rub elbows with the higher-ups, its one of the few chances a year you have to mingle with the decision makers.  Do you really want their lasting memory of you to be the guy who rambled on in slurring tones about your great ideas to improve the company (most of which probably involve ideas that will allow you to be lazier)?

4. Less of a rule, more of a guideline, try not to show up obviously hungover the next morning.  Everyone's going to be a bit slower moving the next day, its a given, but you don't want to be the guy/gal just sitting at their desk, head propped up by their arm just staring blankly ahead because motion makes you feel sick (yes I'm speaking from personal experience).  It makes you look irresponsible, and even worse it makes you look like a light-weight.  You cannot be labeled a light weight and expect to go on client trips.  75% of a client trip is dining and drinking (20% ass kissing and 5% actual work meetings in case you were wondering).  If management knows that you look like a homeless vagabond the morning after they're never going to send you anywhere.  That said:

5. DO NOT CALL OUT SICK.  I can't stress that enough. Like I said #4 is more of a guideline, not a hard fast rule.  This is the golden rule.  You call out sick you might as well start sending out resumes, because if you're not let go then you at the very least guarantee that you're not looking at a raise or promotion for the next 5 years. 

By the way, don't be shocked if tomorrow is a light day here at the Tabs.  Rule number 4 is a bitch to follow.

New Website Lets Parents Rent Toys for their Kids, Like the Netflix of Toys

This is the best, worst idea I've ever heard of. Ever.

Best, because as a kid I would have absolutely demanded a 4-piece battalion set of Nerf Guns and me and my friends would have staged an absolute guerrilla war in my basement the likes of which people haven't seen since 'Nam. It finally would have been as fun as those commercials always make it out to be. Everyone has a gun with like 20 rounds of ammunition, none of that fire 4 darts and then have to go scour under the couch to pick it up shit. Just pure crossfire at its best.

The worst idea because I'd 100% be shipping things back broken or missing pieces. You're talking about kids, the most destructive force known to Earth. I don't think I had a toy from childhood that wasn't Jerry-rigged together with rubber bands and tape after a few weeks. We, as children, are just a violent breed, plain and simple. 

Second reason its the worst idea? Be prepared for your kids to absolutely HATE you for a couple of weeks after you ship their new favorite toy back to the internet. I can't think of a more traumatizing thing as a child. Like "Hey Johnny, glad you've enjoyed playing with this Thomas the Tank Engine set, but the people of the World Wide Web need it back. Don't worry though, they're sending Percy next." Percy sucks.  All green, not cute like Thomas. I would throw a two week temper-tantrum if that ever happened to me. You don't mess with a kid and his toys.  I once ordered a set of 3-D sun glasses from a cereal box, saved up my 3 UPC's, mailed them in, and never got the glasses.  I held a grudge against that mailman all summer long. Setting boobie traps along the side walk, leaving gross shit in the mailbox for him to stick his hand into, and straight up mean mugging him from my stoop. Like I said, you do not mess with a kids toys.

My Blog Game Will Be So Much Hotter After I Get this for Christmas

So here's the deal, basically you guys are getting the dregs of my ideas on a daily basis. The 10% of stuff I manage to remember when I get home, only watered down because I didn't just write down the first rant or commentary that popped in my head, so instead you end up with some bizarro blog that I've been brainstorming, internally, with myself all day...and I'm my own worst editor. No one takes a funny idea and waters it down into some long winded piece of shit quite like me.

To fix this, I legitimately asked for one of those tiny notebooks that come with a pen inside for Christmas (I specified that the pen cannot be sold separately, has to be a package deal), I lose 90% of all good ideas I have, because I have nothing to write them down on...plus, I'm way funnier when I'm thinking of the stuff off the top of my head, or at least that's what I tell myself, I always give myself a chuckle when its the first time I think of something. 

So, post Christmas, watch out Blog world, I'll be coming on strong (either that or I'll just be a grown man with a journal that contains ravings about bathroom stall use, road rage, and fluorescent lighting in my cube, we'll see). 

Ultimate Holiday Showdown- Thanksgiving vs. Christmas, Two holidays Enter, One leaves the Victo

Battle of the Ages: Who gain the crown of "Best Holiday?"

It truly is a fortunate situation that the last few months every year have set up for us everday normal folk. While the overall quality of the weather gets exponentially shittier and every female puts away every partially revealing piece of clothing to be replaced with Ugs and 15 layers of jackets and scarves, we are rewarded with two of the greatest holidays in the known universe: Thanksgiving and Christmas. Both of these events are first world celebrations of absolutely shameless overindulgence in everything that is good and joy-inducing in this life: material possessions, comfort food, and outright laziness on some arbitrary notion that we have accomplished deeds significant enough to warrant these treasures. However, each of these holidays has a number of dimensions that need to be considered, and after all is said and done, we will find out one of these holidays is actually superior to the other. Since I am in the business of solving these difficult issues, let’s hope right to it and see who wins this matchup based on our “Holiday Scorecard,” (But unlike the cards used in Manny Pacquaio’s most recent fight, this isn’t to facilitate the world’s biggest gambling event of all time, it’s just to prove a point.”

Overall Atmosphere:

Thanksgiving- Sadly, not much going with regards to a “feel” for this holiday. You obviously have maybe a few days off from work, and Thanksgiving serves as a wonderful trump card of getting out of your professional obligations. As a kid, it was fun to trace your hand and make a paper turkey or a pilgrim hat during art class (or in my case, ignore what I was supposed to be doing so I could dump Elmers glue all over my hands and peel it off once it dried. No one who did this can deny it was fun as hell, both for the activity itself and the anger induced brain aneurysm it gave the teacher.) But beyond cooking/raiding the supermarket for every piece of trans fat laden comfort food you can find, there’s a dearth of Thanksgiving atmosphere.

Christmas- Hands down winner on this front. You got the absolute works going here: sparkly decorations bedecking every building, the fresh smell of pine emanating from every corner of society, and the absolute auditory orgasm that is Christmas Music. Seriously, a straight month of absolute classic holiday tunes and catchy jingle bell laden music that makes even despondent murderous sociopaths feel warm and fuzzy inside (or maybe slightly less murderous. I wouldn’t know, I’m just a sarcastic asshole, not a fully blown sociopath.) Not to mention all the fantastic movies that took your imagination on a magical ride when you were a child. Even watching them now, like the perfect Christmas movie Elf, gives feel good, nostalgic vibes up the wazoo. Watching the snowflakes flutter gently outside while you sip hot cocoa listening to “Let it snow?” That’s as good as it fucking gets, you could make a postcard out of that scene, its truly that awesome.

Score- Christmas: 1 Thanksgiving: 0

Preparatory Work:

Thanksgiving- Since the ultimate theme of Thanksgiving is “Laziness/Gorge your face off until you want to Puke,” the preparatory work here is minimal to moderate at best. You get the opportunity to buy the tastiest treats that you don’t indulge in regularly if you have no inclination to do cooking of any sort. But if you are the ambitious type, you get to put on your best cooking face and bust out that perfect recipe you got from Grandma for mouth watering stuffing, sumptuous mashed potatoes, or that absolutely perfectly marinated, hormonally enhanced Turkey. After all that is out of the way, the rest you have to do is go into your closet and intentionally wear an outfit that is a couple sizes too big because after the 8 helpings of everything you inhale through your gullet, you will most certainly need the extra room.

Point goes to Thanksgiving on this one for having an amount of work that matches the theme of the holiday itself.

Christmas- As much fun as Christmas can be, the amount of work that needs to be put into this event is an absolute bitch. You have a billion presents to buy for people, some because you want to and others because of dumb fucking social/family obligations that make no sense to you (Just because my second cousin gets me something I hate every year DOES NOT mean I want to give him a DAMN THING), which often takes place in an angry mob pillaging (edit: shopping) every single mall in existence and drains your bank account in the process. Setting up lights outside has to be one of the most miserable experiences on the planet. Every single year without fail, even if they are brand fucking new, something will go wrong with them. Certain lights won’t work, it will set itself to “Twinkle” mode when you just want “Regular” with no way of switching them, or they will be tangled into a horrific knot ridden pile of misery and anger that takes every ounce of patience and finger dexterity to sort out. Throw in the additional suckitude of shoveling, finding a Christmas tree that isn’t fucked in some way (either structurally or because the owner of the tree farm realizes, once a year, he can price gouge the ever loving fuck out of everyone) and this dimension is a big time negative for Christmas.

Score: Christmas: 1 Thanksgiving: 1

The Day’s Events/ Post Game Wrap Up

Thanksgiving/Christmas- This is where it gets difficult, since there is a significant amount of overlap in what revelry is engaged in on both occasions, as well as this being the tiebreaker, so we’ll break both holidays down in this section. Both have sumptuous spreads of food with all manner of goodies ready for reckless consumption, though Christmas can often include a spiral ham with a heavy dosage of candy for good measure. Additionally, you get all kinds of material possessions (American dream, right? Having way more shit than you actually need) on Christmas morning which is just plain fantastic. However, after eating your face off on Thanksgiving, you have the god given right to watch football until you pass out into a food induced coma. No pretending you like the shitty gifts that your in-laws gave you, zero obligation to engage in any type of pointless banter. Just watch the most American sport to exist until you want to go to sleep. Then, Thanksgiving always gives you gifts that you will like: leftovers. All the delectable treats you wanted to eat, but couldn’t fit because your stomach was at the point of rupturing, YOU CAN SAVE FOR LATER. Your only duty following Thanksgiving is to ensure that you eat even more. Christmas requires an extensive amount of un-decorating everything after the fact and you have to find a diplomatic way of asking for the receipts for the awful gifts you didn’t want, instead of outright telling the person what they got you sucked. Return lines at retail outlets post Christmas are almost as bad as buying the shit in the first place because you know for a fact everyone is in that miserably long line for the sole reason of exchanging their unwanted crap for something useful to them. This one comes down to the wire, but I’m declaring by a slim margin Thanksgiving is the winner by technical knockout, despite a valiant effort by Christmas.

FINAL SCORE: Thanksgiving: 2 Christmas: 1

P.S. Since I was way too complimentary for most of this piece, I need something excessively negative to go out on, so here it is. Valentine’s Day is the worst fucking holiday of all time. It’s not even a holiday, it’s a made up bullshit excuse for people to increase the bottom line of Hallmark/florist/chocolate companies, while every couple everywhere instantly goes into panic mode because everyone’s notion of what is appropriate on that day is different. Fuck Valentines Day.