My Newest Favorite Music Video is "Da Bes"

You want to know what's really insane? That, despite everything you just saw, the slo-mo sword fight, the slow mo fingers in the air, the random cartoon chic on the hood of the car being engulfed by flames, the Sun holding down a righteous beat, the fact that they filmed this in their front yard in plain view of everyone, and the bro straight up crowning himself with a tiara at the end, The BEST part of this video is the description on Youtube:

shiiiiiiii, 3rd track off my album. gonna be a hidden track, you gotta listen to the second track all the way through to get to dis one. took a minute to get this one up cuz SOMEONE ON THIS STREET CALLED THE POLICE ON US, AND TO THAT SOME1 (IF YOU WATCHIN THIS VIDEO, WHY YOU HATIN?) EITHER WAY I JUS SAID F IT, WE AINT GET ALL THE SHOTS WE WANTED, BUT WHATEVER, WE STILL GO HARD.

This somehow tops the actual video itself, which, by about the 1:30 mark I would have found unfathomable, frankly. This is his 3rd ALBUM! And not only that, his albums are in such demand that he's tossing out hidden tracks. Plus, he turned out this absolute masterpiece, despite not getting all the shots they wanted because some hater called the cops on them. If I had to guess that would have been when they were in the final sword fight scene and he was pouring what appeared to be sparkling cider off the roof of his car, presumably for his homie who just perished in a medieval sword fight.

The internet does it again.

PS: If the artist GMCFOSHO happens to read this, I'd love an Alt-Tab theme song.

The Definitive Alt-Tab Happy New Year's Post

HAPPY NEW YEAR...From two guys who may or may not have been a couple of the Chilean Miners...Bet ya didn't think I had anymore Chilean Miner material left, did ya? It's a New Years Miracle.

In all seriousness though, Happy New Year everyone...and as always, if anyone says "See Ya Next Year" today, you have a one time amnesty pass on smacking them in the face with no repercussions.

I'm Outright Compelled to Yell MOLECULO MAN...and Other Variously Annoying Noises

Moleculo - The Molecular Man - watch more funny videos

For the purpose of this blog, you really only need to watch the first minute or so to catch the catchprase...but I encourage you to watch the whole thing.

Do you just have that urge to say or yell something and once you think of it, you just CANNOT stop thinking about saying it (or in my case, belting it out in a comedic voice at the top of your lungs)? That’s me with Moleculo Man. Every few days this ridiculous character will pop into my head and I’ll just go off, yelling this at the top of my lungs, if I’m lucky, I’m at home, and then I just have to convince my girlfriend that I’m not in fact, retarded or some kind of serial killer (though screaming it into a pillow to muffle the sound would appear to the contrary). Days that I’m unlucky? I’ll just be sitting at my desk minding my own business and the urge will strike, and when that happens, look out work productivity.

I’ll spend upwards of an hour doing nothing but fighting the urge, because here’s the thing, I’ve never half-assed a molecule man, it’s always full bore, everything I’ve got…It’s probably the only thing I can really say I give 100% effort every time, and given this, I just don’t think it would be appreciated in the middle of the office, frankly.

So I sit there, and after an hour or so I really start to think about how ridiculous the whole thing is, I haven’t done a stitch of work for an hour, I’ve ignored phone calls because, I’m afraid I’ll yell MOLLLECCULLOOOOO MANNNNNNNN at one of my clients while they’re discussing something important like capitalization (plus our lines are recorded and I’d imagine the people down in the security room would have a grand old time with that tape). Then I start wondering whether my boss would appreciate me sitting here, not doing a thing, but doing it quietly, versus; My productivity being at the normal level, with one singular outburst where I yell a marginally popular Conan O’brien Catchphrase at the top of my lungs on a Wednesday afternoon at 3 pm. (It’s a lose, lose situation, eventually I think about it for so long that I forget what I’m even thinking about).

The strange habit doesn’t just apply to odd Conan O’brien inspired action hero catch phrases either, no no. It applies to whistling, random outbursts of energy, and various other phrases and songs that get stuck in my head and I just feel…compelled, to let everyone know, “HEY THIS OBNOXIOUS SOUND IS RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD! JOIN ME, WON’T YOU!” My girlfriend, parents, or really anyone that’s lived with me could probably attest that I’m good for at least one or two of these energy breaking outbursts a day.

Double click it to see the Menu Offerings

Take Kars for Kids. Probably the greatest song of our generation, it’s completely won me over, to the point where if you dare switch the radio in the car when that little diddy is on, I’ll snap…Or at least I’ll snap after I finish belting out the tune. Just because you changed the channel doesn’t mean you’ve escaped the song, because I’m finishing it. Same actually applies to that Flo-Rida song (editors note: It’s hard to google Flo-Rida, because you instinctively type “Florida,” and end up with a bunch of results for old people’s home and discounted vacation deals, when all you were really looking for was a 2nd rate rapper), ‘Good Feeling.’ It’s my newest obsession that I let loose on whenever I hear it. I was at a dive bar a few weeks ago (as documented by an embarrassing string of tweets that I horrifyingly read the next morning, those of you not following me, you made a wise decision that night), and I brought down the house with that jam. No, it was not a karoke bar, and no I don’t know the words to anything but the chorus. But that did not stop me from performing this song, at the top of my lungs for the 3 people I was with, along with the 5 or 6 regulars at the bar, who might not have necessarily enjoyed the performance, but they also weren’t threatning me with knives or anything, so that was good (to get a feeling for the atmosphere, the picture to the left is the menu the bar, found that while scrolling through pics last night).

It’s not an ADD or compulsive thing, that I’m sure of, it’s never taken me 20 minutes to put deodorant on, and I’ve never washed my hands to the point that they’ve pruned or anything. It’s just this ridiculous urge of pent up energy, somehow connected to catch phrases and semi-popular songs, that I haven’t figured out how to deal with yet, and as a result, you’ve just read this obnoxiously long blog.

This is getting kind of (really ridiculously) rambly, and I’ve honestly just typed the last two paragraphs because I can’t think of a way to close this ode to my little problem, so I think I’ll leave you with this….

MOOOLLLLLECCUULLLOOOOO MAAAAANNNNNNNNNN

This: Immaculately Detailed Procrastination Flow Chart

Chart from here

Note: This thing is gigantic, double click the picture for a full view, trust me, it's worth your time.

This flow chart is everything I've ever wanted for the Alt-Tab...it's the perfect visual embodiment of of everything I want this blog to represent, its so good I borderline want to make it our logo (of course I can't because the thing is ginormous). The best part is, the chart itself is a form of procrastination, it took me 10 minutes to read through all the different options, which is 10 minutes of paid work time that I was able to zone out for...in other words, FREE MONEY. 

Suck it work, suck it long, and suck it hard.

Wodka Brand Vodka's Humorous Billboard Made Me Chuckle

Stylelite- Religious stereotyping in liquor ads is just about as bottom of the barrel as you can get, and a brief perusal of the Wodka website shows it’s standard practice for the company. For example, on the site’s contact page, we’re introduced to Wodka “employees” New Delhi Neil (“snake charmer by day and press wrangler by night”) and Sumo Shu (whose photo is the face of a white guy Photoshopped onto a Japanese sumo wrestler’s body).

What? I don't get it? Are Jewish liquor stores not competitively priced? Is this false advertising or something?  Is it the dog? Is he wearing the cap wrong? 

Guys, they're clearly joking and mean no harm...I mean have you seen their website? It's got pictures like this as promotional photos for its product:

Does this seem like a serious company to you? It's got a hilarious website (and does anyone really believe New Delhi Neil and Sumo Shu were forced into these photos? This looks like a fantastic place to work), a premium product, and cheap prices. Just roll with it.

Besides, do we really need to get into the whole defamation thing right now? Yesterday should have been a day of national pride for all the Maccabi's everywhere, the Hebrew Hammer won the National League MVP! I mean, how can you be upset on such a great day?

So lets all take it down a notch and take it for face value, a pretty funny advertising campaign, that may have touched the line for some, but all in all meant no harm, and caused no harm. Hell, I'd wager to say that Jewish liquor store sales are going to skyrocket because of this, if there's one thing that's universally loved and scoured for, its cheap booze. If you've got the same product for $1 less, I'll drive upwards of 35 miles for it...Why else do you think I roll on up to the New Hampshire State Liquor Stores every Christmas? Sure it costs me like $6.75 in gas, but the savings on those liquor box gift sets is priceless.

Wodka brand Vodka, you're cool with me.

PS: They apologized on Twitter...that's the company/celebrity equivalent of going to rehab in 2011, time to let it go everyone.

Thanksgiving Family Rituals

In Honor of Thanksgiving, and quite possibly my most popular post with my family members, I've decided to re-run "Thanksgiving Family Rituals" once again this Holiday season. True, my parents have upgraded to a bigger table, so the children's table schtick isn't entirely accurate this year...Instead I'll in all likelihood end up eating at the bar top island, lets be honest with all that food and all the family members over, you could have a medieval banquet hall in our dining room and we'd still be banishing people to the minor league tables...Plus this is a great way for me to get a post without actually having to do any work, so, without further ado: Thanksgiving Family Rituals

Ah, Thanksgiving, right around the corner.  Food, drinks, football, all the ingredients that make up CW's favorite holiday (and by ownership, the official holiday of The Alt-Tab).  No real surprise there, all three when mixed properly allow a catatonic like zoning out affect that magically comes around once a year.  Conversation grinds to a halt, everyone fades in and out of naps, communication consists of grunts towards the television during the football games and the occasional lazy hand gesture when another helping of food is required to be passed around.  Heaven.

But that's all post-meal bliss.  Leading up to this once yearly state of nirvana is the family gathering, a staple of the holiday season.  Most families will share traditions, recipes, exchanging of children's Christmas wish lists (there's always that one kid who aims a bit too high with their wish list much to the annoyance of family members.  I can only assume in hindsight that it was me as a child, so to my immediate family I apologize), and carving of the turkey honors.  

My families Thanksgiving tradition is a bit different than most I would assume.  To us the holidays are a chance to get together and compete in one-upping one another with regards to medical ailments and health issues.  Conversations run the gamut from pace-makers, cholesterol levels, blood sugar, hearing aids, vision, an array of surgeries, vision complaints, back pain, psoriasis, eczema, leprosy, and gingivitis.  You need a medical dictionary just to get through it.  The competition is for the head of the table.  The worse your affliction or collection of ailments the better your seat at the table.  My Grandfather has had a firm grasp on the title for years now with the aforementioned hearing aid and pace-maker, though my Mom has mounted a serious challenge this year that could make it an interesting race for the first time in as long as I can remember.  

As for me, I've been stuck at the children's table long past the regularly acceptable age.  Just haven't been able to crack the big leagues and gain entrance to the adult table.  Sure every few years I come in with stitches or a pulled groin, but that's just child's play with this group.  Nothing short of major surgery or threatening illness is going to get me to the big show.  Same for the CW's brother.  Biggest hypochondriac I know, comes up with a wild array of imagined illnesses and injuries each year, none of them are good enough.  The adults in our family are a savvy, veteran group of the walking wounded, they see right through his fictional complaints and chuckle at his efforts.

Sadly all has been well on the health front once again this year for your fearless leader.  Just one more year of eating off unstable fold up tables with chairs so short I might as well be kneeling.  There's always next year though.

25 Worst Internet Passwords...How Haven't People Gotten the Hang of this Yet?

If “password” is your password, chances are you’ve been the victim of a hack attack. “Password” is the least successful, according to SplashData’s annual list of worst Internet passwords. SplashData created the rankings based on millions of stolen passwords posted online by hackers. Here is the complete list:

1. password

2. 123456

3.12345678

4. qwerty

5. abc123

6. monkey

7. 1234567

8. letmein

9. trustno1

10. dragon

11. baseball

12. 111111

13. iloveyou

14. master

15. sunshine

16. ashley

17. bailey

18. passw0rd

19. shadow

20. 123123

21. 654321

22. superman

23. qazwsx

24. michael

25. football

Serious question, what the hell is wrong with people? We're a month away from 2012, we use the internet for everything. Legit, yesterday I ordered a burrito online from Chipotle...When its to the point that we're ordering Mexican delicacies online, I think it's fair to say that the internet has become ubiquitous with everyday life (I have no idea if ubiquitous makes sense there, just wanted to make the blog sound smart). 

And yet people are still having problems coming up with and remembering passwords. It blows my mind. Like at work, do you know much time is lost daily to tards who can't remember their log in passwords and lock themselves out of various applications? Or how much time is lost daily by me listenting to these people call the IT support people and furiously muttering under my breath about how much time these people waste? Like forget about my internet useage at work, cut down on people forgetting their passwords and we'd save a fucking fortune. No need for that outsourced call center in Bombay, and no need for me to take a lap around the building because my blood pressure is boiling due to my irrational hatred of listening to people try to unlock their accounts over the phone.  

It's really simple, if an employee has to call down to IT more than 3x in their first 6 months, they're fired. No questions asked. All other employees, if you call more than 3x in any 6 month span, you're deducted 1 week pay.  It is ludicrous to me to think people qualified for a job in my particular field, are somehow also incapable of remembering 3-4 log in passwords. Save them to your frigen desktop for all I care, just stop forgetting them.

And that's without even touching upon the simpletons that are using passwords like "password," or "123456", or "letmein."  Really? You couldn't just use your birth date, or the street you grew up on like 90% of all the other people? If you're using any of the above dickhead passwords then you deserve to get hacked...Like if you go through a case of stolen identity and the investigators find out that your Visa.com password was "password," then they should just drop the case and tell you you're an idiot.

PS: One funny story about "password," actually...Old friend of the blog, Penny Packer (@he_pennypacker1) used to use "password" as his Facebook password. I say used to, because one day, yours truly, logged in as Penny, changed his photo to a crane (a nickname derived from his Beirut playing style), changed all his hobbies to crane related stuff, changed his password, and changed the e-mail address associated with the account, and then set up a fan page for all our friends...A couple weeks later when he figured the whole thing out I gave him all the new log in information, but the damage was done, Penny was never seen on Facebook again...just deleted his account and set off into the sunset...The moral of the story? That's what you get when you use a ridiculously obvious password.

Quick Slants: Musings and Thoughts after 10 weeks of the NFL Season

Fact: This guy and his team are the top dogs in the NFL

Quick Slants: Thoughts and Musings on the NFL After Week 10

Well, it certainly has been a while since I put together a piece on the NFL landscape (with my other amazing piece coming back in Week 3) so suffice to say, the various scenarios around the league have transformed quite a bit. Even with that being said, with the exception of the juggernaut Packers, I have no fucking idea what to make of the rest of the league: every team seems capable of shitting their pants on a given week (Staring angrily at you and your Ravens Joe Flacco…the SEAHAWKS??? REALLY?) or just going out and completely dominating (The Houston Texans have looked absolutely sensational, especially against the Bucs…but now they lost their starting QB for the year and are forced to start…USC “superstar” Matt Leinhard, good luck winning a game the rest of the year) So, with the waters as clear as a muddy puddle, let me start out your day with another edition of Quick Slants

-As a Patriots fan, I lead off with them. I honestly wish I could have sent a Polaroid of me posing in front of a roaring fireplace with various hunting trophies above the mantle, me puffing on a big cigar while giving a giant middle finger, then I would mail it to every ESPN analyst/journalist who wrote the Patriots off for dead, just because we lost 2 games against quality opponents. As Belichick said, “37 points against the best defense in the league, suck my dick.” Even with that being said, the overall style of this team hasn’t changed at all. Live and Die by the Offense, because the defense is being held together with Elmer’s Glue and Scotch Tape

-There are few things in life more enjoyable than arrogant douche bags failing miserably at what they are paid to do, then yell at other people for their ineptitude on national TV. Suffice to say, the Chargers standing at 4-5 and Phillip River’s utter futility this season makes me smile with unfathomable glee. It’s typical Norv Turner: Give him all the talent in the world, he will find a way to mis-manage and coach it completely incorrectly. Sadly, their division sucks SO bad that they are only one game out.

-Welp, the Bills early season explosion out of the gates is fizzling quicker than Rick Perry is in achieving the GOP nomination (Did anyone see him forget what he was going to say during a debate for a straight minute? That one goes in the “Awkward moments” Hall of Fame.) As this blogger so intelligently predicted week 3, the Bills defense absolutely sucks and teams are gashing them with a healthy blend of running and passing. They have also realized, “Oh, Fred Jackson is accounting for 45 % of their offense, if we stop him they probably won’t win.” It also doesn’t help that Leodis McKelvin and Drayton Florence have combined for 104 pass interference calls between them.

-Is there absolutely any doubt that Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback/MVP in the league right now? I have debated this issue extensively with my patriot homer friends who adamantly defend Tom Brady’s honor and angrily question my loyalty for daring to pick someone else. Look, I am as glad as ANYONE we have Tom Brady as our quarterback. He is fucking competitive as hell and talented to boot. But this season he has been forcing the issue a little bit, off on the throws he usually makes, and forcing balls into coverage when he should know better. At THIS CURRENT MOMENT, Aaron Rodgers is better. Period. Every single statistic, along with the advanced ones I’m too lazy to look up, will validate this. He is on pace to throw for 5200 yards, have a completion percentage of 73%, tie Tom Brady’s touchdown record at 50, and has only thrown 3 FUCKING INTERCEPTIONS. He is putting up these insane numbers without turning the balls over, which is ridiculous because it is a testament to how well he is throwing the ball. Not to mention he can throw on the move as well as anyone I have ever seen and even run when the situation calls for it. Sorry guys, this dude is in his prime and is taking over as the best QB in the league

-While we are giving our accolades, the winners of the “Most miserably failing to live up to pre-season hype award” goes to….the Philadelphia Eagles! Seriously, I was a little surprised at their 1-2 start, but I expected them to turn it around, despite their crappy defense. Instead, they have completely torpedoed their season through a combination of Mike Vick trying to do too much, a porous offensive line that resembles a wet Kleenex tissue, and jumping offside when it was apparent to everyone in the world that that was what the Giants were trying to do. These guys are not making the playoffs, and given what we have seen, it’s not all that surprising. Don’t worry, that huge megadeal you gave to Mike Vick after last season when you didn’t have to doesn’t look completely idiotic right now.

-Tim Tebow’s sole purpose in this life is make people pissed off and argue about him, and I think the sanctimonious bastard loves every second of it. Seriously, would anyone even give the Broncos a second look if it wasn’t for the “Tebow Effect?” He gives every critic amble ammo to rail on him: his throws are wobbly and soft, his footwork sucks, and he couldn’t hit water with a pass if he threw it off of a boat in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean…BUT he continues to win. His completely unorthodox style has kept defenses off balance and has allowed him some modicum of success through running the ball and making opportunistic throws in addition to leading fourth quarter comebacks. Absolutely baffling. I despised him in college because the media refused to stop blowing him, but now I find myself rooting for him because all the meat head media dickheads hate him. Plus, the objective of the game is to win, not fulfill some arbitrary notion of what the role of “Quarterback” entails, and thus far, he has done that.

-The NFC South is going to come down to either the Falcons or the Saints, but given the results of Sundays game, I’d say the Saints are coming out of that division. Their offense is still top tier in spite of a putrid defense, while the Falcons are actually an equally balanced football team. The Falcons looked like they had straightened things out before this Sunday, winning three games in a row while rookie Julio Jones was showing everyone why Atlanta sold their next 10 drafts to get him. But after Mike Smith’s terrible call to go for it on 4^th and inches on his OWN 29 YARD LINE IN OVERTIME, the Saints were given a nice early Christmas present and are now in charge in the division. That said, I still think the Falcons are a team that should be matched down the stretch, they have the players to make a late season run.

-I’m honestly really let down the Texans lost Matt Schaub for the rest of the season, because this FINALLY looked like the year they were going to not only make the playoffs, but make some noise when they got there. They had great offensive weapons in Owen Daniels, Arian Foster, Jacoby Jones, Ben Tate, and (when healthy) Andre Johnson, and Wade Phillips had COMPLETELY revamped what was the worst defense in the NFL just a season ago. Really bummed out, because I rooted for them every year to kick the Colts ass and bust Peyton’s arrogant, douchey face in, even if they got their ass kicked every time they played the colts. Oh well, if the Texans are going to fizzle/barely scrape out the division, at least the Colts are 0-10 (and Peyton has to watch every second of it. I am once again extremely happy)

-Teams that are irrelevant/too boring/one’s I don’t car enough about to write a huge entry on, so they will get a “blogger blurb,” which is more than they deserve: Bengals: young and promising, not quite there, Ravens: Maddeningly inconsistent, Flacco has regressed (fuck you, Joe, I hate the fact you occupy a roster spot on my fantasy team) Jaguars: Blaine Gabbert has a nice head of hair, Maurice Jones Drew still good Titans: Matt Hasselbeck has risen from the dead, Chris Johnson making his GM trash his office almost every week by rushing for 30 yards despite getting tens of millions of dollars. Browns: Colt McCoy is not the answer, receiving core awful, Peyton Hillis looks like a one hit wonder Vikings: Despite their awful record, I firmly believe Christian Ponder can succeed in this league, despite his bad numbers thus far. He’s faced the Packers twice, which sucks for him, but he is athletic, fast, and his a big arm and usually makes good reads for a young kid. Watch him in the future. 49ers: Apparently good, defense is quite solid, Patrick Willis is an absolute beast, I take back that middle finger I gave Frank Gore Week 3 (unless it was the reason he had 5 straight 100+ yard games, then it still stands) Giants: Fuck them and Eli’s dumb face, nothing to say about these dicks. Lions: Still much better than anyone expected, but appearing to be experiencing some growing pains, as most young teams do. Their 3 losses came against quality opponents (49ers, Bears, Falcons) so look for them to continue to excel down the stretch, especially with the Putrid Panthers up next Panthers: Cam Newton to Steve Smith is good, the rest of the team not so much.

-The Steelers look to be, along with the Patriots, the class of the AFC. Big Ben is playing at a ridiculously high level, and with the exception of their 2 losses against the bi-polar Ravens, have been dominant against the rest of the league. Big Ben has recovered from his early season struggles, with 3 touchdowns and 5 picks through the first 4 games, with a resurgent 13 touchdown passes and 4 picks over his next 6 games. He also remains fucking IMPOSSIBLE to sack, due to his massive wooly mammoth like frame and my firm believe he douses his entire body and uniform in Crisco before every game. Once they get back ALL of their linebackers, since 1 or 2 of them have been missing from a majority of their games, (Farrior, Woodley, and Harrison) they are going to be downright scary. Fucking A’, that last section made me throw up twice while writing it, once because it was praising the Steelers and second because our new pet cat shit all over the coach RIGHT NEXT TO ME while I was writing.

The Age Old Question: If You Could Have One Super Power, Which Would You Choose?

There are a lot of deep, philosophically complex questions we as human beings like to ask ourselves over the course of our lifetimes: what is our purpose here on earth, how do we solve current world problems, why does Ben Stiller only star in shitty movies ever since Meet the Parents. These are the questions that are pondered again and again, but no suitable answer ever emerges. However, there is one (in this bloggers opinion) issue that should be put to rest once and for all. We have all seen the myriad of Marvel movies over the past decade, so I put the tantalizing inquiry out there: Which super power would you most like to have? I’ll put forth some of the main options and debate pros/cons of each one. I’m not going to do ridiculously obscure or fucked up powers, like the ability to alter the fabric of reality or create alternate dimensions. It’s too trippy for this blog and frankly, the old standbys are the old standbys for a reason: everyone likes them. Im also limiting it strictly to super powers, not magical abilities, because I already know for a fact every person alive would be a wizard/witch like in Harry Potter in 2 seconds flat.

1.) Flight

As every chick Superman ever rescued knows, one of the quickest ways to get a girl ready hop in the sack is having the ability to fly. Going on a date to the movies? Hoist your girl up by the waist and soar the skies to the cinema. 100 bucks says she’s flinging her bra off before you even touch down in the parking lot. This would also be one of the most pragmatic abilities you could possibly have. No need for a car, insurance, increasingly expensive oil. That would leave a whole lot more cheddar in your bank account for more important things, like beer…and more beer. Then again, flying could get mighty chilly at those high altitudes and competing with those giant metal contraptions called planes could lead to some substantial injuries. Flying definitely has the WOW factor, but the novelty would wear off quickly as far as I’m concerned.

2.) Other-Worldly Speed

I’m not talking Usain Bolt speed (even though that would be freeking awesome, because he’s a straight human blur) This is like the little kid from The Incredibles type speed, like you can move so far that you can run across bodies of water and shit. You could be the worlds best thief ever. The second you laid your greedy little eyes on whatever tickled your fancy (money, clothes, illicit drugs) you would be in and out before your adversary even had time to blink. Even if you are some sort of moral paragon (AKA: sadly misguided asshat,) you could go anywhere the hell you wanted and it wouldn’t take any time at all. Just pack your shit and book it. Then again, if you ever hit any type of obstruction going at these top speeds, that would hurt like an absolute mother fucker. Like a newspaper stand or something in the city? What an awful way that would be to go out of life on. Even with the tantalizing cleptomania with damn near complete impunity from the law that this power would allow you, I’ll have to pass based on massive risk potential.

3.) Super-Human Strength

Essentially you become the Incredible Hulk, only without the whole “turning green, ripping your current outfit to shreds, and developing a severe anger problem” thing. This is a pretty tantalizing prospect, primarily because I’ve never been particularly big and the desire to hit people bigger than me has reached breaking point levels on numerous occasions. But even besides the obvious advantage you would have in any barfight/physical altercation, imagine the massive headaches you could avoid with a Herculean physique. Oh, the car battery died on you, forcing you onto the side of the highway in the dead of night? Fuck waiting two hours for Triple A to show up (P.S. This is my sidenote to vent and emphatically state Triple A waiting times are complete bullshit, take whatever time they give you on the phone and multiply by three. Great customer service, dickheads) You could just hoist that pile of shit Honda Civic you never should have bought and haul it right on home without breaking a sweat. However, this ability might lead to awkward questions during leisure time activities, like if you are playing an innocent game of catch with someone and all of a sudden you put the baseball right through your friends sternum. No amount of super human strength is saving you from that emergency room visit. This guy passes on the strength, though with some difficulty.

4.) Invisibility

For me, this is an absolute no doubter. Becoming invisible is the absolute best power you could possibly have. I mean, besides the power of “being a ridiculously amazingly super awesome blog writer,” but seeing as I already have that power, I need to choose a different one for the sake of avoiding redundancy. As if Harry Potter didn’t visibly demonstrate this in the first 7 books/ movies, as long as you don’t fuck up royally (like making a shit load of noise like he did) you can go anywhere and do ANYTHING you want. Basically like having the perks of super speed without the occupational hazard. Shoplifting? Easy as pie. Sneaking into a celebrities dressing room to see who they are nailing that night? Piece of cake (BOOM, two baked good references in one paragraph, didn’t think it possible, did you reader?) I think one of my favorite tasks with this power would be to sneak into my friends apartments/houses the night they happen to be watching a scary movie, and immediately after a shocking moment in the film, just wildly knock shit over in another room while making demonic noises. This practical joke is funny just by itself, but if you were invisible, absolutely no way in hell your friends get any sleep that night, as well as you just made them believe in paranormal bullshit that doesn’t exist for the rest of their pathetic lives. That’s what super powers are about to me. Not this saving the world stuff, that’s too much work. Super powers are about making life incredibly easy or having unlimited ability to fuck with people. For my money, it’s got to be going having invisibility.

Assume the Position: A Variety of Ways to Sit on the Bathroom Throne When Going #2

Oh, you thought that my blogs were all going to be witty social commentary or sports related analysis, didn’t you? Nope, I am here to “cross the line” so to speak and talk about a topic some might find unpalatable, but one I find amusing. Today, we guys (sorry girls, this exclusion is not borne out of some chauvinistic or sexist attitude I have, but because we all know girls don’t poop. Scientific fact) will examine and compare the vast array of sitting methods our gender uses when expelling the contents of our previous meals into the holy porcelain grail. This is all based on my very deep inquisitive research on the subject (edit: discussing it with friends) and these are my findings that I am happy to share.

1.) The Thinking Man

This bloggers preferred and exclusively utilized position when defiling any bathroom. I like to get both feet firm on the ground, cross the fingers, and rest my chin on my curled fingers while I muse about various topic of interest (like what other pooping positions people might use) I find this to be quite comfortable because my lower body is optimally positioned for an efficient passage of my waste into the bowl, while my head doesn’t get tired from sitting upright. That noggin of mine has a nice proverbial chair to sit in, courtesy of my fingers. There is also the distinct possibility that because I am sitting in a philosophical position, it actually makes me smarter. That’s what I tell myself anyways.

2.) The Squatting Dog

Much the same as “The Thinking Man,” but with one very crucial distinction: the man’s feet in this one are arched off the ground, with the heel raised up from the floor. I tried this once after a buddy of mine said it was his method of choice, and it was the most confusing thing I have ever done. My sense of balance was completely thrown off, since the firm foundation I am accustomed to was now balancing on the very front of my foot instead of having my weight equally dispersed. If this one works for when nature calls, power to you, but this method seems like it should be used primarily for animals who shit on the ground, hence its name.

3.) The Rocking Chair

To my dismay, not everybody likes to use my stance on the can when dropping dookies. One of the most odd variants I discovered is one test subject (edit: one of my friends who was willing to share his habits with me) rocks slowly back and forth, almost coaxing the solidified foulness out of their body. While a rocking motion might work if you were sitting on a porch in the summer time, this method seems downright dangerous to me. Sometime I like to play pretend and think, instead of voiding my bowels, that I am a bomber pilot and the water is my target. As in the case of most bombers, you don’t need to be all that accurate, just in the general vicinity of what you want to hit. The Rocking Chair scares the hell out of me, because it seems to me the probability of bombing the wrong target is too high, and that would lead to terrible (and horrifically vile) consequences.

4.) The Tuck-and-Cover

This is another method I discovered in my search that I find somewhat peculiar, though if it works for you, by all means keep going with it. This is where a man will sit on the can huddled over in a semi-fetal position, while utilizing one hand to keep their Johnson tucked under their leg and aimed at the toilet bowl. On the one hand, I can understand this motivation. How many countless times have we strolled into the waste disposal area of our house convinced we only had one task to complete, only to feel a pressure deep within the vicinity of our stomach and realize our “To Do List: Bathroom Edition” just doubled? But, going back to my Airplane Bomber Metaphor, you are a bomber man. You don’t need to keep a machine gun aimed at the ground when you have FUCKING bombs. It just seems very submissive, defensive way to do your business. As long you locked the door, no one is interrupting your private time, loosen up a little and enjoy your private time homes.

5.) The Power Squeezer

Very much similar to any meathead powerlifter/screamer at the gym, I usually encounter these guys when I’m out in public scenarios (the movie theaters, the mall, restaraunts.) You can tell what their method is by one of two ways. 1.) They will try to look covert and slip into the handicapped stall in these public forums. As everyone knows, these stalls have stainless steel rails running parallel to the walls of the crap receptacle. You can hear the almost indistinct “clink” as they place their hands on the rails and proceed to FORCE that evil fecal matter out of them, like a kind of disgusting exorcism. 2.) If these aggressive expellers of waste find themselves without their power rails, they will use the walls of a stall, and I have had the misfortune of being seated next to such an individual. I thought he was trying to punch a hole through the wall of the stall he hit it so hard. He also made Austin Powers in his scene where he murders number two sound as quiet as a church mouse. On a vindictive level, if you are going to make my bathroom going experience that uncomfortable, I hope you blow out of your sphincter (or some other equally essential component you need for taking a dump.)

By no means is this list completely exhaustive, nor is any one method better than another. These are just a few of the amusing methods I discovered and figured that the masses at large would like to compare/contrast their own defecation strategies with those I have listed here. A gross topic? Perhaps. But if I told you this wasn’t the type of stuff I think about when I’m not paying attention in class, I’d be lying.

Asinine Advertising: Commercials that should be Eradicated from the Airwaves

I don't know either, Mr. Bean

As a member of Generation Y, I (as well as my entire reader demographic, I assume) have been bombarded by advertisements and promotional efforts seemingly since I came out of the womb. It wouldn’t shock me at all to hear my parents tell me my delivery room in the hospital was sponsored by some sort of corporate entity. Despite the unique ability to completely ignore 99.9 % of these messages that come from companies trying to get me to pay money I don’t have for useless shit I don’t need, there are some that stick out of my mind because they are so fantastically awful. These efforts to reach consumers essentially serve as anti-marketing because I will actively go out of my way to purchase from whoever your competition happens to be since your commercial was so shitty. I handpicked some current spots that are running on TV that I just wanted to tear apart for their futility, despite how awesome and creative these advertising executives seem to think they are. Note to these guys: Just because something seems funny when you and your MBA toting asshole colleagues from Harvard Business school when you are high in a corporate board room, this in no way reflects the sentiment from everyone else. A friendly FYI from me to you.

1.) The Geico Cavemen

I was going to go least awful to the most horrifically terrible, but I just can’t restrain the unfathomably large degree of hatred I have for this series. You (the cavemen collectively) are not FUCKING FUNNY. You are pretentious douchebags who seem to think that you are a great deal smarter than everyone else. The fact you are directly associated with the cute little British Gecko that has been the face of the company is a massive shitstain on my perception of your brand. If the “Geico” logo wasn’t plastered on every surface visible in the ad, not a single person would have a fucking clue what you were trying to shove down our throats. Know how much we the people hate the Cavemen? The terrible TV series some fucktard ran featuring them ran for 2 episodes TOTAL. That’s Check and mate, get this shit off the air permanently.

2.) Bob’s Discount Furniture

I know it’s your name in the company Bob, but for the sake of everything good in this world, that does not mean your hideously disgusting mug needs to be displayed prominently in your commercials. To make matters worse, you have the most awkward camera presence I’ve ever seen as well as multiple clay-mation versions of your inanely idiotic sales pitch. This type of depiction worked for Celebrity Death Match, but if possible, it makes me take you even less seriously, which is saying a lot, because your furniture is absolute and complete shit. You expect me to believe I can get a complete sofa set, that goes for $1400 at every other reasonable furniture store, at equal quality for $599? It wouldn’t surprise me to find out everything is made of toothpicks and asbestos with a cloth covering. Business 101, Bob: Strategy dictates you compete on cost advantage or differentiation, not both dumbass.

3.) State Farm Black Couple Car Accident

The woman in this ad is so unbelievably intolerable and aggravating I actually make a point of changing the channel when it comes on. Why would anyone, much less a boyfriend, endure the savage berating and whining that she spews for the majority of this ad? Not to mention the accident portrayed is so ridiculously stupid. While the boyfriend is stupid for dating this bitch, I seriously doubt he idiotic enough to back into another car, then continue to rev it until he is firmly entrenched on the guy behind him windshield. But seriously, could State Farm have depicted any more of a negative racial stereotype of a black woman? Don’t worry about it, people don’t take racial issues seriously, there shouldn’t be any negative backlash to this one.

4.) Southwest Airlines “Change Fee” Referee

This is actually one of the commercials I initially found amusing…the first time it was run. Then they went wild with this concept, invented an entire fictional repertoire of “calls” that can be made against other airlines, especially this notion of a change fee. You want to avoid a change fee? Don’t be a little bitch and change your travel arrangements at the very last second because they happen to suit you better. Do your research and make sure you have the flight schedule that is most advantageous to you at the outset. Problem solved. Also, Southwest Airlines lame ass method of infusing football, which America loves, into their commercials for more appeal is fucking foolish. You know the parts of football we like? The actual game where offensive players score points and defenses attempt to kill people. The part most people bitch frequently about/loathe? Referees. Thanks for playing Southwest, take a seat.

5.) “Keith Stone” Keystone Light Commercials

Know what happens when the one the world’s shittiest beers meets a redneck equivalent of “Joe Dirt?” who wears flannel vests? You get this nauseating, complete pipedream scenario where this dumb fuck redneck pulls some of the dumbest possible maneuvers in social scenarios where fuckwit broads find his mullet and trucker hat seemingly irresistible. Sorry, I don’t know of many scenarios where a vegetarian has been impressed by a wild falcon dropping a raw fish onto a grill because she’s a vegetarian. That’s not smooth, that is insanely fucked up and obvious indicators Keith Stone is a rapist. Well, at least the quality of the commercials matches that of the beer they are promoting: Complete shit.

Running Diary: Patriots vs. Cowboys 2nd Half

Yes, foreshadowing is STILL fun

Part 2: Patriots vs. Cowboys Running Diary Second Half

3^rd Quarter

15:00 Annnnnddd we are back everybody. Pats begin the half with an uncomfortable 13-3 lead, even though I feel like it should be bigger, given the miscues. Also I’m trying, to no avail, to convince myself that I shouldn’t be scared of the Cowboys, but I am. They’re bound to discover our defense sucks at some point.

-Just noticed we have the OTHER Gronkowski brother back again. Jesus, this guy is like a revolving door for our third tight end spot. Can’t we just keep him based on the awesome-ness of having 66 % of the Gronkowski brothers, regardless of whether or not he’s good?

15:00-12:20- Promising first set of downs leads to a rapid case of football blue balls on the second set. A little foreplay tease with three straight runs, the last a “Brady Special” for the first down. Then Brady can’t find a receiver, Matt Light gets toasted like a bagel on the outside for the 20485^th time in his career, allowing Brady to get sacked for the 3^rd time on the game (didn’t catch the Dallas player, I was too busy bitching about Matt Light.)

-A 3 man rush generates enough pressure to make the Pats throw it away. I feel like little Malculay Kulkin in Home Alone when he finds the picture of Buzz’s girlfriend…”Guys that drive, WOOF.”

12:15-5:48- Dane Fletcher makes a GREAT special teams play, leveling the return guy before he had time to blink. This guy has looked good in limited reps dating back to last season, I don’t know why he doesn’t get more run than Rob Ninkovich as an LB, but hooded one knows best.

-Romo’s pass batted in the air at the line, and we get to see two 350lb+ guys playing coverage on each other as Wilfork goes for the pick while some huge dude on the Dallas O-line bats it away. Fat people make ordinary circumstances much funnier.

-After stuffing Tashard Choice again, Romo finally finds Witten in the middle of the field for a big chunk of yardage. Of course, Gary Guyton was clueless, as he realized he hadn’t yet exhausted his quota of mental fuck ups for the game and decided 3^rd down was an optimal chance to use another one. Literally let Witten run right by him without a second thought.

-Romo gets ridiculous protection and finds Miles Austin all the way to the N.E 19 yard line. The defense not nearly as feisty coming out for the second half as they were to start the game,

-This upper body tackling bullshit by our DB’s has to stop at some point. Chung had Demarco Murray lined up in the backfield for a loss, but instead of making a nice, fundamentally sound form tackle, he tried to drill him in the chest, getting burned and allowing Dallas to eat up more yards. Not enough Pepto Bismol in the world for the heartburn this defense gives me.

-In the goal to go situation, Dallas gives New England a MASSIVE break when Romo misses Murray on a swing pass where we probably would have scored, followed by an Andre Carter speed off the outside on Romo and drilling him in the (hopefully even more broken now) ribs for a 10 yard loss. A 3^rd down screen pass almost results in a “kick in the balls” touchdown as Choice weaved in and out of our unmotivated defenders to the 3 yard line. Christ. After all that time and anger, Dallas gets only a field goal to tie it at 13-13.

5:46-1:10 Pats get the ball on our own 15, and immediately try some sort of gimmick play to get Ochocinco involved. A cluster of 4 receivers sprinted out of the huddle to the right side, leaving Ochosinco on the left, Brady devliered, but Chad once again wasn’t on the right page as he was nowhere near the ball. Based on Brady’s furious body language, I’d say Chad didn’t run his route properly. I REALLY want to love Ochocinco, but he hasn’t been productive at all.

- A couple nice throws to Welker, followed by Gronk leads to a first, as well as a hurry up offense with a nice 9 yard run to BJGE. This variation in tempo’s is catching the Dallas D off balance and leading to some productive plays, very encouraging.

-After a couple more BJGE runs, another first down pass to Gronk, and more hurry up offense, Dallas wisely prepares for the quick run to BJGE and stuffs him for a 2 yard loss. Whelp, that experiment was fun while it lasted. Brady finds Herndo on third down, too bad it was well short of the first. No rhythm to our offense in the second half at all. Mesko to punt

-HAH, Dallas continues to commit unbelievably stupid penalties at a “Oakland Raiders-esque” level, with a “Running into the Kicker” call being made. Mesko embellished a little, but that’s what he’s supposed to do if he feels contact. A gift first down for the Patriots.

-Holy shit, a Danny Woodhead sighting with a run for 5 yards. This is shocking because a.) I thought he was still hurt and b.) he hasn’t factored into the offense at all due to the effectiveness of Herndo/Gronk and Welker/Branch so far this season. Good shit, right Miroki? (If you don’t get the movie reference, get the hell off this blog)

-Son of a bitch, Hernandez fumbles after a nice catch, recovered by Dallas with Welker making a huge heads up play to tackle him. Terrence Newman had a lot of green pasture ahead of him if he wasn’t brought down. On a slightly negative note, Hernandez’s hands are quickly becoming as slippery as the moves he has after the catch. He has a worrying propensity to carry the ball to far from his body or not secure the football quick enough, leading too fumbles or dropped catches. Insert profanity laced grumbling here.

-Dallas has the ball, runs it, going to the fourth quarter, still tied up 13-13

4^th Quarter

15:00-12:54- Romo begins the forth by going to Witten again. Good of Tony to finally realize “Hey, my favorite option is a nightmare matchup for these guys.” Wait, what the hell am I saying?!? FUCK YOU ROMO.

-Pats bring another blitz on 2^nd down, but Dallas picks it up as it has most of the game, and he shoots a pass to Miles Austin to the Patriots 45

-Back to Back blitzes, and the Cowboys give another early Christmas gift to the Patriots, as Austin drops an easily catchable ball. Those Ryan’s really have an affinity for feet huh? Rex gets off on them sexually, and Rob’s teams seem to enjoy repeatedly shooting themselves in the collective foot (yeah, I know Rob is the defensive coordinator, whatever, the joke was better this way.) Patriots ball off of the punt.

12:54-9:30 Patriots open up with an attempted screen pass that was incomplete, and run the hurry up once again, catching Dallas with 12 guys on the field. I feel like the biggest hypocrite, squealing with delight when the Patriots do this to get a cheap 5 yard penalty when I roared with anger every time the Colts did it to anyone else over the years. Oh well, hypocrite feeling gone, keep doing what you’re doing, Patriots.

-BJGE is getting some good lanes off of these quick snaps, with consecutive good runs chewing up 4 and 7 yards respectively. After a false start on the hometeam, the exotic species known as the Danny Woodhead gets blown up in the backfield for a loss.

-My god, Deion Branch is clutch. Snares a 3^rd down pass for a 1^st down. Guy can catch 10 for 120 and 2 TD’s one week, then be a ghost the following week until you finally need him, and more often than not he makes the play. Again, why did we ever part ways with his dreadlocked, sure-handed goodness?

-FUCKING DAMN IT, Brady pretends to be Aaron Rodgers, rolls out to his left, gets his arm hit on the release, and throws his second pick of the game. That was just an awful decision all around by Brady because even if he wasn’t hit on the play, everyone on that side of the field was covered anyways.

Note: My thoughts/scribbling from this point on were hectic/barely legible, owed to what was about to transpire. The page I’m reading from looks like a rabid raccoon dipped its paws in paint and did a figure skating routine on my notebook paper, with the occasional legible profanity.

9:00-5:14 Swing pass to Murray for 8 yards. Gotta say, the rookie out of Oklahoma has looked like a good change-of-pace back for Felix Jones/Tashard Choice.

-Holding call, which negates another Gary Guyton fuckup (missed a tackle on a runner in the backfield)

-You have got to be kidding me, 3^rd and 12, and Romo runs for 17 because no one decided to spy the QB. Why is he being smart all of a sudden? I hate him even more now.

-Terrible throw by Romo, almost picked off, Haynesworth (wow, he’s playing?) forces the issue

-More fodder for the “Devin McCourty is Regressing” argument, as he whiffs on a tackle on Laurent Robinson (who?) who runs for 34 yards down the sideline.

-Pass over the middle complete, and receiver somehow still alive even after Pat Chung made every attempt to murder him on the hit

-1^st and Goal-screen pass to the New England five, this is getting painful, as William Wallace would have said, HOLD!!!

-2^nd and Goal-pressure gets to Romo, forces an incompletion. Heart rate unhealthily high for a regular season game.

-3^rd and Goal-What the hell?? Terrible playcall by Dallas, inside shovel pass to an RB gets blown up by Spikes, settle for field goal again, but take the lead 16-13 Dallas.

5:14-3:46 Written at the top of notes prior to the drive, verbatim, is “Brady, work some of that clutch magic baby” Let’s see if he listens.

- Gronk screen for 9 yards, good start boys

-Running play cut down in the backfield, fuck me.

-AGHHH, pressure forces incompletion…we have to punt…and rely on our defense to make a stop…oh my god.

3:36-2:31 Spikes rips through the line, cuts down runner for 1 yard loss.

-Another run stopped for a 2 yard loss

-False start on Dallas, 3^rd and 18 coming up…and I’m still insanely nervous we can’t top them

-Run for 7 harmless yards, holy hell we stopped them…but what is up with the playcalling??? Three straight runs with a chance to put a dagger in our hearts? Whatever, thanks Dallas, we have one more chance at this bitch. Pats ball, all or nothing here

2:31 to end of game Blitz comes, Brady gets it away to Herndo for 16

-Brady CRUSHED, but somehow gets it to Gronk on sideline, clock stops

-Quick out to Welker for five yards, 2 minute warning.

-Another one to Welker for 5, 1^st down baby

-Dump off to Woodhood for 9, up to the Dallas 30, only down 3.

-Incompletion, another Brady Special for a first down

-Woodhood for 15 more on another underneath route, holy shit, visions of ‘03 patriots obscuring vision.

-Welker for 6, despite excellent coverage, holy balls. Timeout Pats, 27 seconds left in the game

-Brady hangs in pocket, good protecting, fires a missile to Herndo….FOR THE TOUCHDOWN, FUCK YES!!!!

-Dallas finished the game with a hopeless attempt at a hail mary.

Final Thoughts

-In the moment, I didn’t see how the touchdown play developed, but Gronk took the top off the coverage by running out while Herndo ran in, double coverage followed the wrong guy, Brady looked at Gronk, then fired to Herndo, who got sticky hands are the right moment.

-The defense, while stepping it up big time, is only partially responsible for this win. The Dallas play calling on their last two drives was pathetic. No looks downfield, ball completely out of Tony Romos hands, and it probably cost them the game. Seriously, their game plan in the last 6 minutes was more conservative than Rush Limbaugh.

-Unsung Hero-Vince Wilfork-on most occasions where the other D-lineman and linebackers could shoot the gaps and cause havoc, the big man in the middle was commanding double teams in the trenches while also causing a fumble. Continues to be one of the best players on the field despite not always getting the media blowjobs other players receive.

Running Diary: Patriots vs. Cowboys, Part 1

Foreshadowing is Always Fun

Hello everyone, my shameless and blatant rip off of Bill Simmons “Running Diary” concept is back for its NFL styled debut, featuring a potential shootout with the hometown New England Patriots against the underperforming yet dangerous Dallas Cowboys. As always, my notes/observations at a given point is what I was thinking in real time, with creative additions sprinkled in for entertainment purposes. Without further adieu, let’s get to it. (Note: The times posted are just my general estimate for what the game clock was)

Part ½: First Half

1^st Quarter

15:00 New England kicking off to Dallas, which is fine by me. Let Tony Romo take the field with a week full of criticism on his mind and no chance for the defense to take some of the pressure off of him.

12:15 Wow, as if on cue or the fact he just can’t help himself, Tony Romo overthrows his intended receiver and gets picked off by Kyle Arrington. Romo has the unique ability to throw off his back foot, yet still miss his target high by 10 feet. Most QB’s who do that get picked off by a DB jumping the route, so I guess sucking in a unique way is commendable, Tony.

10:15-9:01 After getting deep into Dallas territory, Patriots uncharacteristically stall out their drive on 2 incompletions, even though Brady could have walked into the endzone on 2^nd down (Dallas was in man coverage and NOBODY was looking back) followed by Demarcus Ware crushing Brady. Sigh. Gotskowski booms an easy one for 3-0 Pats lead.

8:36-7:20 To some degree, I understand the Cowboys conservative playcalling early. They want to get settled in and get Romo some confidence. But you have Jason Witten, Miles Austin, and Dez Bryant as weapons. Why all this underneath stuff/running plays? Whatever, I won’t complain.

-Kyle Love makes a great run stuff on 2^nd down, but Patriots get burned when they send the house on a blitz and Romo finds Bryant for a first down.

6:45-5:15- Run defense has been excellent so far. Even though a Demarco Murray run was negated by a hold, Brandon Spikes shot the gap and CRUSHED him. He has been stepping the fuck up the past few weeks. Guy plays with a tenacity and attitude we haven’t had since Rodney Harrison left. Throw in the fact he looks like (and treats other life forms with the vindictiveness of) a Predator and it’s doubly awesome.

-Also awesome is Romo getting a case of Happy Feet and getting sacked by Andre Carter on 3^rd down. Pats ball off a punt

4:53-3:56 Holy shit, that couldn’t have gone worse. Brady’s pass gets tipped at the line and the DB covering Branch intercepts it. Not sure is Brady’s delivery point is a tad low or defenses just know to get their hands up at this point, but a lot of passes being influenced at the line.

-Meanwhile, Chung kills Miles Austin for daring to come over the middle, and the Pats get REALLY lucky on an endzone play where McCourty interfered with the pass since he didn’t bother to look for the ball because a Dallas O-lineman got caught holding.

-Gerrard Warren smushes Tashard Choice into human paste on a rush, 4^th down field goal for Dallas. Tie game 3-3.

3:09-1:00 You have got to be FUCKING kidding me. Slater apparently decided it was his turn to get invited to the turnover party and fumbles despite a Dallas player barely caressing his arm carrying the ball. Sloppy execution by Pats early.

-Despite not blitzing/stacking the box the past 100 games, Bill clearly wants to pressure Romo because we’re showing and/or bringing heavy pressure frequently.

-VINCE WILFORK=turnover machine, gets his bear claw sized mitt on the ball and causes a fumble. Dallas apparently hates the hot potato( edit:football) as much as we do.

1:00-End 1^st- BJGE (don’t feel like writing his 432 letter name) is the anti-Lawrence Maroney and I love it. Dude finds the hole, hits it hard running North/South, and never fumbles. No dumbfuck tap dancing routine for 5 seconds before getting hit for a loss.

-What I don’t love is Dan Connolly completely whiffing on his block and letting Demarcus Ware destroy Brady for the second time in the game. I have to think the temptation to sacktap Connolly on the next down for Brady is overwhelming.

-Underwhelming is the score after 1 quarter, tied 3-3

2^nd Quarter

15:00-12:07- Brady slings it on a beautiful out pattern to Deion Branch while Gronk throws a massive lead block which gets him an extra 15 yards. God, why did we ever let Branch walk in 2006? Memories of Reche Caldwell/Doug Gabriel still haunt me.

-Brady TAKES OFF with his Usain Bolt like (edit: Sumo wrestler running through a tub of molasses wearing bricks as shoes) speed. Couldn’t help but be scared, 2008 makes me permanently paranoid whenever Brady leaves the pocket.

-Yet again, Patriots stall their drive with a stuffed run, then an untimely holding call on Solder. Very uncharacteristic, another field goal, 6-3 Patriots.

12:07-10:55- This section is sponsored by “Tony Romo’s massive suckage.” Pure gold for anyone not rooting for Dallas.

-After a quick first down, Tony throws an easy swing pass 10 feet behind the running back, then follows it up with a beautiful spiral…right into triple coverage. A shame it wasn’t picked off. Then again, our guys couldn’t have expected THAT bad of a throw.

-Romo, to his credit, improves drastically on third by completing a throw to a bare spot of grass. Good job Tony. Pats ball off the punt.

10:37-7:34 Since defenses have picked up on the Gronk seam route, the Gronk screen is a new weapon that works to great effect. Basically runs people over until 5 defenders converge and hogtie him down to the field.

-Brady works a beautiful hardcount exposing a Cowboys blitz, but someone fucking moves on the O-line. How his vocal chords are still functioning is beyond me, because he barks out plays louder than any QB I know.

-Hernandez and his slippery after the catch magic works two plays in a row. Elusive bastard, he is.

-Note to opposing defenses: On third and short with no one lined up over the center, Brady is running up the middle.

-Brady slings it out to Welker FOR A TD. Refs fuck up the call, but review corrects it. 13-3 Pats.

7:34-End of 2^nd Quarter- Dallas drive begins with ANOTHER fucking flag. Haven’t mentioned it, but the Refs are literally like a desperate puppy pining for attention this game. Making every effort to insert themselves by coating the field in yellow fabric to great anger on my part. Let the boys play, dickhead.

-OUCH, Dez Bryant finally breaks off a huge play, shattering Pat Chung’s ankles million tiny pieces on a juke, scampers for 45 yards.

-Swing pass to Tashard Choice who STEAMROLLS Kyle Arrington on a five yard game. That looked painful. Maybe the hit will finally teach our DB’s to stop arm tackling and go for guys legs once in a while.

-Jesus, another whiff by McCourty on a pass to Laurent Robinson for 50 yard gash. I know McCourty had an insane rookie year and to expect him to follow that success up was highly unlikely, but there have been times this year where he hasn’t just looked bad, he’s been really awful. I think, as a developing player, we should revert to giving him safety help over the top instead of isolating him like we did last season. But that’s just me.

-I didn’t know the Cowboys had a white tight end not named “Witten” but apparently they do, as he caught a pass to make it first and goal for Dallas. Our “Bend-don’t Break” approach is bending more than a circus contortionist on this drive.

-Well, there’s the “break” we were supposed to be avoiding, as Romo slings it to Witten for a touchdown. Damn it, who’s the imposter in the Romo jersey because he looked like a confident and competent quarterback. Not only did Dallas get back in the game on the scoreboard, but that drive ate up more than 7 minutes of clock, leaving the Pats with no time and basically just running out the clock. 13-10 Pats at the half. Basically, we are getting the close competitive game we expected, albeit with considerably less offense.

That’s it for Part 1, mainly since I don’t feel like writing anymore and your Generation Y ADHD is demanding you switch tasks at this point, so I’ll deliver Part 2: Second Half tomorrow.