Vlad Guerrero Doesn't Wear Batting Gloves, and He's not Fond of Condoms Either

TMZ: Former MLB star Vladimir Guerrero should be sweating the thousands of dollars he owes in child support to FIVE different baby-mamas ... but turns out the baseball star is loaded with over $25 million in the bank, this according to legal docs.

A new paternity lawsuit filed by Heidy Ogando required Guerrero to reveal his finances -- and turns out he has 8 children with 5 different women ... and shells out $25,621 a month in child support.

Here's how it breaks down:

Baby Mama #1 (1 kid): $5,237

Baby Mama #2 (1 kid): $3,214

Baby Mama #3 (2 kids):$1,655

Baby Mama #4 (2 kids): $3,465

Heidy as listed in the suit (2 kids): $12,050

Vlad the Impaler indeed.

Am I supposed to be shocked by this? That Vlad Guerrero has 8 kids by 5 women? Because I'm not...in fact, if anything I expected more, Vlad is no where near as fertile as I'd assumed an athlete of his stature would be. I mean this guy is a shoe in future Hall of Famer, and over 16 years of slaying hoodrats bare-back style, he's only knocked up 5? That's a terrible success rate. 

"But CW, how do you know Vlad always goes bare-back?"

Because the man has flat out refused to wear batting gloves his entire MLB career. If the man is superstitious enough that he won't even throw a glove on his hands, something that has been proven to help improve performance, what makes you think he's going to put some witch doctors latex contraption on his dick? He's just not going to do it. 

You sign Vlad to a baseball contract you know he's not wearing batting gloves, you pick up Vlad Guerrero at some after hours salsa bar, you know you're getting it raw. There's certain things that are just a given in life.

Rule No. 1 When Sleeping With Strippers: Don't Let them Steal Your Sprem and Make Babies With It

Fox News - A New York man was stunned to find out that his four-year-old twins were not an accidental pregnancy after all -- but that his desperate girlfriend secretly stashed away his sperm and used it for an in-vitro procedure, he charges in a lawsuit. Joseph Pressil, 36, was not planning on having children with Anetria Burnett, with whom he was in a relationship for six months in 2007, he said. So she took matters into her own hands, he told the New York Post, in order to remain in his Texas house and make a legal bid for half of his possessions. "A gold digger is an understatement. She was trying to get community property and alimony. She's ruthless," he said. "We always used condoms," he said. But when a DNA test proved him to be the father, Pressil said he began paying $800 a month in child support. "She was taking [the semen in condoms] after the fact and running down to the clinic with it," said Jason Gibson, who is representing Pressil in his suit. He now has joint custody. The fertility clinic's manager simply assumed he and his ex were married when she got the successful in-vitro fertilization procedure that resulted in the birth of the twins, his suit says. Pressil then said he confronted Burnett, an exotic dancer, who allegedly told him, "Oh you're not stupid. I thought you knew."

I think there's a couple lessons in all this...1) A 6 month relationship with a stripper that you're banging isn't a relationship, its called a long-con. I bet this guy thinks waitresses and customer service girls are hitting on him too...what an idiot.  The day you start hanging out with a stripper you have to have your guard up. That girl is strictly after your cash, you really think after being like the 10,000th guy to hit on her she decided that you seemed like a nice enough guy to fuck for free? Putting aside the fact that you apparently regularly hang out at the strip club for dinner? Yea, no buddy. 

And 2) IF you're going to engage a stripper in coitous, most definitely use a spermicidal condom. Frankly, I didn't even know they made non-spermicidal ones, or why such a device would exist, it just seems counterintuitive, but its something you have to look out for I guess...Although I still say you should have known something was up when, instead of throwing your used rubber in the trash she was skedaddling out to her car and  burning rubber in her 1988 Monte Carlo SS to the clinic...that didn't throw you at all? A stripper speeding down the street with her arm out the window, used condom and fresh spunk flapping in the wind?