Magic Johnson Still Can't Enunciate

Magic Johnson just straight slaying me with his grasp of the English language, specifically the past and present tenses. Magic's continued struggles with enunciation after all these years on TV is frankly, more shocking that the fact that he seems to have beaten the HIV.

"Especially at they age." 

"Sometime that they problem though"

"When they're embarrass they always come back, when they're challenge they always come back"

Sadly I can't find a clip of my all-time favorite Magic'ism: Magic saying "Lebron Jame." 

It ain't even past tense, he just can't add that "s" on there. 

Hey NBA, Look Away, It's Dwayne Wade Mauling Rajon Rondo

Not a foul though. Solid play on the ball, not a foul at all. How many games would Pietrus have been suspended for the same play if he did it to Lebron or Wade? 2? Absolute Fucking Bullshit.

Not to mention the fact that this was then followed by Dwayne Wade's sure to be infamous Crouching Tiger,  Hidden Dragon move on KG:

Just a brutal stretch of officiating. I will say that one might be a 50/50 call, but considering the ref's owed the Celts one big time for the Rondo non-call, I can't see how you get KG there. The man was just kung fu'd. And you know what pisses me off the most about all the referee shenanagins last night? The fact that that's what we'll remember the game for. 

We should be remembering 53 mins (that's every single minute, folks), 44 pts, 8 rebs, 10 assists, 3 steals, and a whole lot of heart. This should be remember as Rondo's ultimate HOF highlight reel game. Instead it's just going to be remembered as game two in a series the Heat will presumably roll in 5 now, and a game where the Celts were whistled for 33 fouls, to Miamis 18. An absolute joke and a damn shame. 

 

 

Metta World Peace, Wishing You A Happy Holidays

Yep...

To be fair,  I'm pretty sure 90% of the people in my Twitter and Facebook feeds had Memorial and Veterans day confused, Metta just took it one step further and tossed Labor Day into the mix. Honest mistake. 

Of course, instead of just lol'ing at the mistake, he followed it up with these two gems:

I didn't know Reading was a college subject.

Infinitely Jealous of this Six Year Old that Made the Scripps National Spelling Bee

McLEAN, Va. (AP) - The youngest person ever to qualify for the National Spelling Bee was running around in a stream with a friend, hunting for rocks. Suddenly, she came charging up the bank and headed straight for her mother. "Hold on to that basalt," Lori Anne Madison said in a bossy 6-year-old's voice, "and do not drop it." "Go away," her mother said playfully....She is blonde and adorable and talks at 100 mph. In the last few weeks, she has won major awards in both swimming and math, but one accomplishment above all has made her an overnight national celebrity: This week, the precocious girl from Lake Ridge, Va., will be onstage with youngsters more than twice her age and twice her size as one of 278 spellers who have qualified for the Scripps National Spelling Bee...Now there's another wrinkle: spelling bee fame. When Lori Anne spelled "vaquero" to win the regional bee in Prince William County in March, she set a new standard for youth in the national bee's 87-year-old history. 

I'm jealous of very few people in life, but this little 6 year old know-it-all is one of them. When I was younger all I wanted to do was make it to the Scripps National Spelling Bee...Yep, young CW dreamed big. 

Never happened though, I won my class, and grade a couple of times, but always fell short when it came to the full school bee. Just couldn't do it. Misspelled Artichoke once. Almost never forgave myself...Never forgave Artichokes, for that matter. Misspelled that word in the 5th grade, nearly 18 years later I've turned down, ate around, or flat out verbally assaulted every artichoke to come my way since. Never tasted one. That's how badly I wanted to make it to Scripps. 

 So congrats Lori Anne Madison, you're a better person than I am, and make sure you study the spelling of various foods that no one your age would have ever tried before too, because that's how they'll get you. They're not going to be asking you about basalt, or pneumonia or anything easy like that. If I had to guess they're going C-A-U-L-I-F-L-O-W-E-R. Cauliflower. Memorize it. 

Bieber Wanted for Assault, Seen Training with Mike Tyson, WTF?

TMZ - In an odd bit of foreshadowing, Justin Bieber hung out with Mike Tyson and got some boxing tips from the legendary fighter just days before his alleged run-in with a paparazzo. Check out the Biebs working the heavy bag with Tyson. They posed for a pic with another guy, which Tyson tweeted with the caption, "Me, @johnny and @justinbieber before we started training JB" As TMZ first reported, Bieber is now a suspect in a criminal battery after Bieber allegedly got into it with a photog in Calabasas. Cops were called to the scene -- Bieber and GF Selena Gomez had already split -- and the photog was transported to a nearby hospital and later released.

Fucking Biebs. Guy probably thinks he's tough now. Probably rolling all over Sunset and down Venice beach in some swagged up Afflicted shirts...Newsflash, that dude let you win. You just gave him the biggest pay day he'll ever get. 

Plus, you're the biebs. A stiff gust of wind could put you and your swag on your ass. Not to mention the fact that you're Canadian. 

PS: Good to see Biebs' handlers are steering him in the right direction. Mike Tyson is a great youth mentor.  

UPDATE: This pic from the Scene...Pretty sure that's exactly what Tyson wore in his fight with Bowe, except with two shoes, obviously.

 

Girls Just Shouldn't Be Allowed to Attend School At this Point if this Violates the Dress Code

HuffPo - Yesterday I got one of "those" phone calls that parents dread. Admittedly it was rather low on the scale of parental dread. One might reasonably say it was close to the bottom of the dreaded scale, but it was on there. My daughter had been escorted to the front office by the principal, and was cooling her heels there until a parent could come in and sort stuff out. Her life of crime had begun. I am not the best judge of "appropriate" dress for a 14-year-old girl. I try, but it is a skill I have no intention of using for very long. I tried to circumvent my need for it at all by suggesting that both my daughters wear hospital scrubs till they graduate the 12th grade, but that was apparently "not happening." I know that if I dressed myself from my younger daughter's wardrobe, it would be wildly inappropriate regardless of what I chose. Now my lack of attention had forced her into a life of crime. It is always the parent's fault...It turns out that the principal himself had personally identified her as inappropriately dressed. He had walked up to her during lunchtime and identified her crime where nobody else could. I can't help but think that the principal's action creates an unhealthy atmosphere in his school. 

Welp, that's it. We might as well not let girls go to school from ages 13-18 on at this point if this is going to be considered inappropriate. 

Far be it for me to determine what is and isn't appropriate for teenage girls, I have no frigen clue, and I'm not going to bother trying either, it's pointless. If the goal is trying to get into the head of a teenage boy to decide what he's going to find distracting, I can answer that for you right now:

EVERYTHING. 

Everything is distracting. Lady, if you dress your two girls up in scrubs, some 14 year old horndog kid is going to be day dreaming during Algebra 2 about playing doctor with them. If the girl is wearing sweat pants and uggs (the most deplorable outfit known to women), he's going to think about how she must've just rolled out of bed and got ready in the morning, then he's going to think about you in bed, and what she was wearing, and you can see where this was going. 

Point blank, from 7th grade through 12th grade there wasn't a single thing girls could wear that I wouldn't find distracting. Its just the way it works. If a girl came in wearing trash bags I would have fabricated some kind of bizarro trash-woman fantasy by second period. So if we're going to go around sending home every beige colored Nancy Drew-like outfit for being distracting we might as well send all the girls home. Use Afghanistans approach and just tell girls they're not allowed to go to school, stick to churning butter by hand and washing clothes down by the local crick.

Idiot High School Kid Punished for Tebowing at Graduation...Good

ESPN - A graduating senior at a Fort Myers, Fla., high school was punished for "Tebowing" on stage Saturday prior to receiving his diploma...Chuck Shriner, who said he was acting on a $5 bet with a classmate, took a knee and bowed his head in the prayer pose of New York Jets quarterback Tim Tebow during Bishop Verot Catholic High's graduation ceremony. "I just thought it was fun. I was just doing it to make graduation memorable," Shriner said, according to NBC affiliate WPTV. Neither Bishop Verot principal John Cavell nor Shriner's mother, a math teacher at the school, found humor in it. According to WPTV, Cavell withheld the diploma at the urging of Shriner's mother. As punishment, Shriner had to clean up the gymnasium, where the graduation ceremony was held, before receiving the diploma. A spokesman for the school said the punishment was the idea of Shriner's mother.

Good. His mom should have whupped him as he walked off the stage, frankly. All these internet fads, they're passed people, it's over. You're too late, it's not funny anymore, and you look like a jackass. This goes for leisure diving, planking, tebowing, Icing, those stupid pictures where everyone tries to jump at the same time at the beach except the fat girls on the end are always a second late or 12 inches lower than the rest of the group, and any other dumb internet picture fad thing that I'm forgetting. They're all over.

Hey dumb-ass, 20 years from now you're going to be remembered as the idiot kid that genuflected during graduation to mimic a back up NFL QB. Congratufuckinglations. 

 

General rule of thumb: If you would make fun of some asshole while out, at a bar, at Six Flags, the mall, wherever, for doing one of those moves with his friends, then you shouldn't be doing it either. Case closed.

How Pissed Would You Be if Your Pizza Was Made By Some Guy Hired for Dominating Pizza Hero?

"Dominos Pizza: Apologizing for our food sucking all these years, and begging for you to come to work for us by copying a video game that was popular 3 years ago." 

Great campaign fellas. 

On a side note, I tweeted this last night:

So if you've downloaded pizza hero, but for some reason aren't one of the 83 people following me on twitter, you missed out on an absolutely golden chance to be offended by me. @TheAltTab

Bill Clinton Doing His Damn Thing in Monaco with Some Adult Starlets

TMZ - Bill Clinton just out-Clinton'd himself -- posing with two famous porn stars in Monaco moments ago ... and one of them's a real up-and-comer. Clinton's in a Monte Carlo casino right now for a special "Nights in Monaco" gala event -- and several celebrities are in attendance ... including Diane Kruger, Joshua Jackson ... and a BUNCH OF PORN STARS. The two porn stars on Bill's arms are Tasha Reign (left) and Brooklyn Lee -- AVN's "Best New Starlet" in porn. Brooklyn -- who just posted the pic on her Twitter account -- also just won the award for "Best Sex Scene" in "Mission Asspossible." As for Tasha's film credits ... those include "Baby Got Boobs 8" and "Farm Girls Gone Bad."

I like to live in a world where I just pretend Bill Clinton is still the POTUS...Just on a Putin-like roll where he's imposed his will and dominated our government for the last 20 years, ignoring electoral laws and marriage vows at his own whim.

I think we'd be living in a better country. He's clearly a guy that's frankly, not bothered with what other people think.  He's just about getting the job done. Like this picture for instance. He obviously knew this would go viral, he's a former president posing for a picture with a girl who's latest film credit was "Mission Asspossible." This wasn't a cellphone pic that was just going to be shown off at parties and ultimately lost when she upgraded to the Iphone5, this was a share it with the world moment. 

Did it slow down Bill? Not at all. Not a care in the world that his wife is going to have his balls in a vice grip when he gets home. Doesn't matter that it will surely run in every Supermarket Tabloid this week with titles like "Ex-POTUS Sex Tape Scandal," or "Did Bill Simultaneously Knock Up Two Adult Starlets?" Didn't phase him. He was all about getting the job done and getting his dick in. If that meant taking a picture he'd surely take heat for the next day, so be it. 

That's the kinda leader we need right now. Not Obama, who's more content trying to make everyone happy rather than making the right decisions, and certainly not Mitt "Never had a beer in my life" Romney. 

Celtics Lose Game 6 and Half of their Players to Injuries

Boston - PHILADELPHIA -- The Celtics are not expected to have Avery Bradley for the rest of the season because of a left shoulder injury. A source close to Bradley told the Globe that the percentile is in the "high 90s" that Bradley will be shut down and will perhaps need surgery. The source said that it's "highly likely" Bradley's left shoulder would pop out again -- it has popped out twice in the series against the Philadelphia 76ers -- and playing further would put him at risk of "serious structural damage."

And I thought last nights loss sucked...

I'd flat be lying if I told you I was optimistic about Saturday and Game 7. The Celts last night looked very much like a team who's injuries and age were catching up with them. This is a team that battled like absolute (over used cliche alert) warriors from the All-Star break on. A team that legitimately only goes 6-7 men deep, plus two rotating scrubs that Doc likes to insert at his whim. And last night, it looked like it was all finally taking its toll. Please note I'm not knocking anyone right now, they've played great and have done better than anyone expected in late January/early February. I'm just coming to grips with a sad reality.

KG looked like he was back to being old. The fountain of youth that he tapped for a few weeks appears to have run dry. Guys he absolutely torched the first few games of this series he couldn't even get his shot off on. He just seemed a step slow, and couldn't get the ball off against smaller guys in the post, never a good sign. To his credit he was the only guy knocking down shots in the 4th, but still, they're not going to win based on KG 18 footers. 

Pierce is running on fumes. I've never seen him front rim as many shots as he has this series. The ball has no arc, he's not getting his usual step back spacing, and his already old man, herky-jerky game, has looked even slower. This is a guy who just needs some rest. 

Ray Allen is a guy valiantly trying on one leg, mainly because the C's are without the aforementioned Bradley. He's playing *way* more minutes than he's capable of right now and he's being exposed as a result. Watching him attempt to guard these younger sixers is just depressing at this point. 

Rondo - Listless performance. I don't know if its because his running mates were off, or if he missed one of his scheduled naps before the game, but something just wasn't right last night. Lack of aggressiveness, his usually crisp passes found the hands of the sixers far too often, and he seemed gun shy to take the elbow extended jumpshot that he'd made his home as of late. They're gonna need a prototypical Rondo game Saturday to have any shot of advancing. I'm saying one of his 14 pts, 11 rebounds, 18 assists, type of games. 

Marquise Daniels - What's he doing here, you ask? My thoughts exactly. But Doc decided last night, "you know what, a cold Marquise Daniels, who hasn't played in two games, might be able to slow down their best scorer." He couldn't. Not that I want to be too hard on Doc, at this point I gotta believe Danny Ainge is gonna be camped out at Basketball City these next two days looking for a two-guard to sign to a 10 day contract. 

But we'll see, we'll see what they got this Saturday. If this game wasn't at home I'd give them about a 30% chance of victory, but they've played very well at home as of late...I'm gonna give them a 75% chance of victory, but also begin to prepare myself for a crushing loss anyway.

Man Arrested for Assaulting 10 Year Old Brat At a Movie Theater

KENT, Wash. – A Washington state man fed up with a group of noisy moviegoers behind him, stepped over the seat and punched a 10-year-old boy in the face. The man was watching "Titanic" in 3-D with his girlfriend and had asked the people sitting behind to quiet down and stop throwing popcorn, but they laughed at him, he said..."I got so mad that it just happened," Yong Hyun Kim, 31, told police. The 10-year-old lost a tooth and had a bloody nose in the confrontation...Kim told police the boys' behavior was worse than talking. He says they were hitting him and his girlfriend with popcorn, running back and forth in the aisle and bumping him with their arms. "At one point Yong stepped over the seats and confronted the subjects behind him," the police report says. "Yong said he was talking to the subjects when they started laughing at him. Yong said he became so angry and swung his arm at one of the subjects and him in the face."

This is exactly why I don't go to the movies anymore. Been to the theater like, 3 times total in the last 3 years. Kim shouldn't be arrested, that guys a borderline hero, just doing what every other sane, responsible, and properly behaved movie goer has ever wanted to do.

I don't care if you're 10 or 80 years old, if you can't sit down and shut the fuck up in a theater, then you shouldn't be there. It's not time to play with your phone or PS Vita, it's not time to play fucking tag with your friends, it's not time to gossip about what Tammy did in the woods with Jimmy and how you think she's a whore because that's the third handy she's given out this year. Go sit on your fucking couch at home if that's what you plan on doing.

If anyone should be arrested its the parents of these kids, dropping off 10 year olds at the movie theater and using a 3 hour screening of the Titanic as a babysitter so the parents can go get their fuck on is just as irresponsible as it gets. They know how rude their kids are in public, they just figured the rest of society wouldn't mind putting up with it for a few hours. WRONG. Young Hyun Kim just put the movie going world on notice: No ones to young to get their mouth punched in for bad manners at the theater. Bravo Mr. Kim. Bravo.

Cory Feldman Takes out Restraining Order on 300 Pound House Guest

TMZ - Corey Feldman apparently had good reason to get a 6 ft, 300 lb woman arrested ... because the restraining order she allegedly violated shows a person right out of "Single White Female." According to legal docs, obtained by TMZ, Corey allowed a friend, Jennifer Herbert, to live in his house, but things went south quickly. Feldman claims Herbert threatened to hurt him, trash-talked him in front of house guests, and asked his kid "adult questions." Corey couldn't just throw Jennifer out, because she's paying rent and therefore is a tenant. So the restraining order required her to stay 6 feet away from Corey and his kid while in the home. It appears she violated that order, and as a result Corey's security guard made a citizen's arrest Friday night. Jennifer -- who Corey knew through Michael Jackson -- was taken into custody, Jennifer was released hours later, went back to the house with cops, picked up her stuff and left.

You know, Charlie Sheen and Corey Feldman really aren't that different. In fact, the differences can be summed up, pretty much like this:

Winning: Charlie Sheen

• Rich and Famous Family
• Lot's of drugs and alcohol with seemingly no legal and/or career repurcussions
• Bevy of sluts and porn stars at his beck and call.

Losing: Corey Feldman

• Not Rich and Famous Family
• Lot's of drugs and alcohol which caused ample legal and career repurcussions
• House Guests Weighing 3-Bills regularly putting him on blast in front of guests. 

I mean this story perfectly encapsulates everything I've ever thought about Corey Feldman. The guy was on the absolute top for a brief window in the 80's and somehow lost it all. All he had to do was make like, one right choice out of every 10 and he would have stayed mildly successfull for the last 20 years. Look at Charlie sheen, fuck up after fuck up, after fuck up, Great Career Choice, fuck up, fuck up, fuck up, Great career choice...that's all it takes. Hollywood is very forgiving, you've just got to make one good decision a decade and you're good. Corey couldn't even handle that, and that's why he's where he's at today, being verbally abused by some land monster he invited into his home to help make rent. 

 PS: Honest question, how off the rails does this kids mom have to be that Corey freaking Feldman got custody of their kid? That's nuts.

The Most Ridiculous Knock Out Barstool Material I've Ever Seen

KnockoutBarstoolSports - But here's the bigger question, why do we even have dogs at all? I took a class once called Puppies and Slavery: the Next Frontier of Equal Rights. Did you know that most people like dogs more than other people? Think about it, Ray Lewis participates in a MURDER and people are cool with it. Mike Vick fights a bunch of mutts and people rightly lose their mind. It is clear that David Portnoy is in favor of animal rape and cruelty; but what else is he in favor of? Rape? Muder? Osama Bin Laden? Yes, yes and yes. 

I'm going to stop  you right here:

I took a class once called Puppies and Slavery: the Next Frontier of Equal Rights.

I honestly have no idea if this is meant to be satire, there's  only two posts on the entire site, and while they both seem equally outrageous to me, I kinda think lunatic activists think and do things like this, so I think this could be 100% serious...

And if that's the case, well then you've got bigger problems than worrying about what's going on over at a popular sports/smut blog. Things like, "how can I productively put all these puppies and slavery analogies to good use without offending black people and minorities everywhere," or maybe some time spent google searching "puppy slavery major careers," so you can pay off whatever ludicrous degree you just paid for instead of joining those juvenile 99%er's who think life should be all gumdrops and lolli-pops, where there is no accountability or responsibility for each's own life and choices. 

Get a grip on reality, man. If this really isn't satire, do you really think you're winning any fans comparing an actual satirical sports/smut blogger and the puppy bowl to the likes of rapists, murderers, and Osama Bin Laden? I'm sure there are plenty of 9-11 families that'll readily agree with this analogy. Jokes on a website vs. 3,000 or so dead in an act of terrorism.  50/50 really.

Former CNN Exec Leaves Dog Poop In Neighbors Mailbox

First off, these guys can cut the crap about having no idea why this happened. Maybe they don't know what triggered the response on that specific day, but obviously something petty happened in the past, probably years back, that neither side can let go of. 

That's how neighborly feuds work. It's pretty much universal. Each side gripes and bitches about the other quietly, maybe you toss a snide look out of the corner of your eye at them, maybe you give the polite wave and half smile while muttering "asshole" under your breath when you see them back down the drive way, all the while biding your time, it can go on this way for years. Most of the time nothing will ever come of it, a sort of domestic Cold War if you will.  Both sides stock piling angst for one another until one party moves or dies. But sometimes, well sometimes things get nuclear and you have to stick a steaming pile of dog poo in your neighbors mailbox. Shit happens. 

I learned from the best as far as all this stuff goes. My parents have had a lonnnng standing Cold War feud with one particular neighbor. Pretty sure it started over some disagreement regarding fallen twigs or leaves or something. I can't remember exactly what it was. All I know is the neighbor continues to toss leaves he feels fell from our trees back into our yard and we continue to look out our window and wonder what kind of crazed lunatic goes through such trouble as sorting out leaves and determining their parental genesis. It's fucking nuts. It's passed the point of the friendly wave and silent asshole muttering at this point, but it hasn't gone nuclear as of yet, so at least I still have time to warn them to check for security camera's before dropping off the family dogs poop first class.

PS: There's a slight chance we could be reading way to deep into this whole thing and carrying hot poop while on your walk around the block is just icky. Maybe he planned on picking it up on his way back, only to be foiled by Suburban James Bond and his life partner in surveillance who, for some reason, video tape their mailbox on a daily basis. 

TMZ Hosts an Old Fashioned Bounce Off: Lohan Vs. Upton

You know what's crazy about this? Besides the fact that even with all the evidence we have that shows going bra-less leads to saggy bags, Lohan still decided to rock the look?

It's that Lindsay is still only 25 years old, and yet, I feel like she's already had more "comebacks" in her career than say, 75 year old Madonna. Not that I'm saying this 3 second juggling clip is a comeback, but I'm sure some rising young producer/director out there caught wind of this and was like "she's still got it!" 

If anything its definitely leading to a mediocre role in a B-movie. We'll hear how Lindsay thrived, praise her for her performance, and then look down upon her when she goes on an epic binge to celebrate her new found success. Which obviously will lead to another rehab stint, more yoga, another bouncing video, and then we'll do the whole thing over again. Its the circle of life.

PS: The narrator for TMZ...Nails on a chalkboard.

Red Sox Fans Pulse Check: More Injuries, More Wins

See Ya!...No really, see ya. Cody Ross hit the DL yesterday for 6-8 weeks with a broken bone in his foot. So R.I.P the Cody Ross bat flip. We loved it, even if you didn't.

"I'm not trying to show anybody up. It's just a reaction," he reportedly said of his trademark bat flip. "I actually don't like it. I wish I could get rid of my bat a different way, maybe like Lance Berkman, hitting it and setting it on the plate. It just happens."

I love the idea of a guy getting so jacked up after a home run that he basically blacks out for a couple seconds and acts like a complete boss. Makes my day. And frankly, I'm amazed his trip to the DL is completely unrelated to some pitcher finally plunking him. 

In other news, the sox are winners of three in a row and and 9 of 11...so they're on fire. The bats are producing, the starting pitching has righted the ship (Buchholz withstanding), and the bullpen is lights out. How long they can keep it up with five outfielders on the DL, I have no idea. It's to the point now where I'm seriously debating sending a couple of my company softball highlight reels down to Yawkey to see if I can get a spot. I can track flies with the best of them, might be a little light with the bat but my UZR is off the charts. Even if I don't make the big club they could at least stash me in Pawtucket for depth purposes.

And finally, it wouldn't be the Red Sox if there wasn't some manufactured controversy to talk about. Though this time it appears the media and ownership had nothing to do with starting it. David Ortiz took it upon himself to lace into the media yesterday over supposed questions regarding his leadership. 

Listen, maybe we don't know the whole story, maybe someone really offended D.O, or maybe it was a language barrier thing, I don't know. And honestly, I don't care. Has Ortiz gotten an un-fair shake in the past? Yea, maybe. For a guy that should be nothing short of revered around here, he may have a point. Should he act like a whiny brat, throwing temper tantrums? You know what? If that's what he wants to do, while he's batting like this and the team is winning the way they are, then sure. Throw hissy fits all you want, lash out at perceived slights (reality and non-reality alike). He's crushing the ball like 04-05 Ortiz, I'll take it however I can get it. I can dig it. Pedro pulled the same routine for years, constantly making up boogey men who were supposedly disrespecting him, even though he was widely regarded as one of the best pitchers of all time. 

If that does it, then shit, all players should go around playing the respect card, most notably Clay Buchholz...someone pass on this message to him. Hey Clay, you've really sucked lately and I don't respect you. 

That should do it.

Jose Canseco: Striking Out in Worcester, On the Field and Off

Yep, that's actually Jose Canseco's number...and I just called it. But no, he did not answer (definitely not the last time I call today). Still, it didn't go straight to voicemail, it rang a few times, so maybe he's just not up yet, or maybe he's taking some early morning batting practice...or maybe, he finally scored with some lucky Worcester waitress...

Deadspin - At the age of 47, and more than a decade removed from his career as a Major League player, Jose Canseco just won't quit trying to do what he loves the most: hitting on young women. According to a tipster, Canseco has taken a run at "about a half dozen" female employees aged 19-23 at a restaurant he's been frequenting in Worcester, Mass. At one point, Canseco even slipped the phone number you see above to a 19-year-old hostess. So has he been striking out? Says the tipster: "Not even a foul tip...just straight swinging through."

Look, I've been to Worcester a few times, and if there's one thing I know for sure, it's that Jose is not striking out. The man is built like a gorilla. He's your prototypical townie waitress one night stand material. Sure this girl might have taken a pass, but that's probably because he just got done nailing her co-worker/roommate the night before.  Keep plugging Jose, the hits will come...and answer my damn phone calls!

Official Un-Boxing of The Alt-Tab's Brand New Tailgating Grill

Some sites blog the unboxing of various gaming systems, i-phones, tablets, etc..., and some blog tailgating equipment unboxings...This is the latter. See, one thing you have to know about me is that I absolutely love tailgating. Love it. Almost love it more than the event I'm at itself (actually depending on the event there's a solid chance I actually do love the the tailgating more). If Facebook were still a site where you share you interests on your profile, instead of this smorgasbord of food pictures and timelines, my top interest would be cooking and drinking in random parking lots. That's how much I love tailgating. 

As some of you remember, my last grill was stolen by basque separatists post tailgate at an event last year, in an act of international terrorism still unrecognized by NATO. Well, it was a long fall/summer without a grill for the CW, but no more. If the Joint Chiefs won't take action on my behalf, I'll take matters in to my own hands. Yesterday, I rectified that situation. Without further ado, the unboxing:

Pic 1: The Box:

Pic 2: The Packing:

That's right, my baby got wheels, rolling on dubs. 2 inches, that is.

Pic 3: Progress:

Pic 4: The Final Product:

Flat out sexy. It was all I could do not to fire that up right in my kitchen last night. Apparently there are fire codes against that sort of thing, but still, it was tempting. She'll see her first action this Friday, sausage, dogs, burgers, can't wait!

Does this Look like Face of the Lakers GM Watching His Team Crumble in OKC?

H/T for the Gif

Yep, actually that's exactly what the face of the Lakers GM looks like while watching his team crumble in OKC. Nailed it... I mean that tight zoom was like something out of a horror movie. Just a lone suicidal man standing out like a sore thumb in an otherwise ecstatic crowd.

PS: Did this loser buy a single? What is he doing down there and why is no one with him? Don't opposing GM's get box seats somewhere up behind glass? This looks like poor old Mitch was scrambling outside trying to find a solo tick from Oklahoma scalpers. 

The Long Snapper Viral Video Everyone's Talking About

Flat out impressive. Guys want to be him, girls want to be with him...I think anyway, has being a long snapper ever gotten anyone laid before? If any long snapper was ever going to be a panty dropper its this bro. Guy must absolutely run the summer day drinking/bbq circuit, just bringing his circus act to every blockparty around, wrangling groupies and youtube hits in the thousands. 

Honest question, how did he end up at Colgate? Must be a historic long snapping power house is all I can figure, because it's unfathomable that the big time D-1's would have passed him over.  You can follow Nick on Twitter, @arealsonofadich

PS: Another honest question, am I the only one that's never heard of BB & N High school? Is that one of those fake high school prep things where the guys are like 20 years old?

NBA Stars: The Answer to "Who is Tyler Perry's Target Audience?"

That right there is some serious Tyler Perry, Madea Goes to Jail, shit (on a more serious note, it's also Russell Westbrook, you know, one half of the super star OKC Thunder duo who just knocked the Lakers out of the playoffs...keep it real OKC). 

I steadfastly maintain that I've never met anyone who willingly admits they watch any of the Tyler Perry franchises, and now I know why...I generally don't run in circles with NBA stars. It all makes sense now, the ridiculous black rim glasses, the uber-dweeb outfits, Lebron carrying man-purses...it's all the NBA copying Tyler Perry culture. 

PS: No NBA player has looked that good in drag since LJ went all Grandma-ma on us...and Yes I did have his shoes, and yes I did eventually pop the gel cases to see what was in there.

Tim Tebow Cheating on God, Untagging Pics

TMZ - Tim Tebow posed for a photo backstage with cast members of the Broadway music "Rock Ages" ... and then asked for that photo to be taken off Twitter ... this according to one of the cast members. Neka Zang posted the pic (see above) on her Twitter account at some point last night -- and even posted a photo of the whole cast Tebowing. But the photo with Tebow was gone a short time later ... which she explained by tweeting, "Well, Due to Tebow's "image" I was asked to remove the pic of him with us half dressed ladies. He does know we arn't real strippers right?" 

Uhh, Timmy, that's not gonna work. Un-Tagging, Un-Checking-in, un-whatever else you can think of...that all might work when you're just a skeezer trying to hide your philanderings from your wife/gf, but that's not fooling the G-O-D for one second. God doesn't need your timeline or twitter feed to know you were motorboating a bunch of hooker looking women on Saturday night. The guy is on point, all knowing, and omnipotent. You're better off spending less time worrying about the pics and more time on some Our Fathers and Hail Marys.

The Zombie Fad is Still a Thing?

Boston - The living dead will fill the streets of downtown Boston Saturday, as thousands slather themselves in fake blood and ghoulish makeup for the eighth annual Zombie March through the city...“I think it’s exactly how it sounds — you show up and it’s a zombie invasion,” he said. “It’s people from all walks of life come together for a few hours one day and they have a good time, and that’s a rare thing these days.”

So I guess the Zombie people are still around? That can't be right, can it? Because as far as I knew, Vampires were the new hotness for people who are detached from reality and want to march in parades to prove it. 

 Huh?  Just goes to show how much I'm up on dork-scifi culture. Didn't even realize there was enough room in this realm for Zombies and Vampires to co-exist. 

Credit where credit is due though, that Cranberries re-mix was fire. I'd love to see Bella and Edward come up with something like that, probably would just be some emo mash-up of Vampire weekend. Lame as hell. 

What's really scary, those are his actual scrubs from his job at MGH, part time doctor, part time delusional zombie fan.

CNN Asks, "Was Columbus a Jew?"

CNN - Everybody knows the story of Columbus, right? He was an Italian explorer from Genoa who set sail in 1492 to enrich the Spanish monarchs with gold and spices from the orient. Not quite. For too long, scholars have ignored Columbus's grand passion: the quest to liberate Jerusalem from the Muslims. During Columbus's lifetime, Jews became the target of fanatical religious persecution. On March 31, 1492, King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella proclaimed that all Jews were to be expelled from Spain. The edict especially targeted the 800,000 Jews who had never converted, and gave them four months to pack up and get out...Two of his wishes -- tithe one-tenth of his income to the poor and provide an anonymous dowry for poor girls -- are part of Jewish customs. He also decreed to give money to a Jew who lived at the entrance of the Lisbon Jewish Quarter.

First thought: "wow CNN must be desparate for pageviews if they're trudging out this kinda crap for headlines."

But then...it's not that ridiculous. I mean, think about it. This guy basically wrangled the single biggest venture capital round of all time, convincing Spanish Royalty to just give him a bunch of ships, pay for his crew/slaves, undoubtedly hundreds of barrels of limes and lemons to fight off scurvey (I don't know what scurvey is, never bothered to look it up, but I can tell you that I picture hunchbacks), and presumably a few common whores to keep the guys from getting all rape-y on each other. All that, and for what? So he could sail to a new land no one was sure even existed? That's a hell of a lot more difficult than some kid pitching a VC firm on some new app that lets people connect socially, albeit with some slight difference from the dozens of other apps that already do that. Basically if you say the words "I have this app" you're gauranteed a couple million dollars of seed money. It wasn't that easy for Columbus, I'll tell you that much.

I mean, there was a solid chance that ole Cristobal was going to take those ships, slaves, citrus fruits, and whores, reach the edge of the ocean, and just plummet off the face of the earth. The negotiating skills involved in convincing a King and Queen to go right along with that would definitely require someone with serious expertise and history in convincing people they're making the best choice with their money...in short, it probably would have taken a Jew.

So yea, Christopher Columbus was probably a Jew. It's pretty much a fact.

Kanye West Rocking All Denim Like It Doesn't Make him Look like a Hobo

TMZ -  Kim Kardashian and current boyfriend Kanye West continued their trip to London by embracing their monochromatic differences -- KK decked out all in black, KW all in denim blue. Kim has been in town to promote the upcoming season of "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" and attend the FIFI UK Fragrance Awards.

And fucking Denim Dan over here wants to be a fashion critic? Ripping on all things cargo one moment, throwing on his official lumber jack union-workers uni the next. I got news for ya 'Ye, that Canadian Tuxedo is *far* more offensive than any pair of khaki cargo shorts I've got in my closet.

Cargo shorts for like, motherfucker.

Most Un-American Thing To Ever Happen to Me

What are you rubbing it in? Screw you kid.

This'll be brief, because I'm still in shock...

As you know (maybe you don't, maybe you don't read my blog every day, in which case I ask, why?), I went to the dentist yesterday. Nothing drastic, just getting a filling replaced, pretty standard stuff, wasn't painful, was in and out in like 25 minutes. Great, right?

WRONG. So, so, so wrong. After my dental insurance happily picked up the overpriced cost of my work and I unhappily paid my co-pay (biggest scams going), I stood around the receptionists desk for a second. I wasn't sure why at the time, I just felt like something was missing.  The receptionist looked up and assured me I was all set, so I snapped out of it, made a joke about it still being early and not being awake, and went on my way. 

Went I got to my car, it hit me. Those bastards didn't give me a free toothbrush! Unbe-fucking-lievable.  

I was stunned. I sat in the parking lot in a stupor for about 5 minutes. I drove to Dunks. I ordered, got to the window, and tried to take my food without paying. The guy said something like, "mornings, right?" "No," I told him. "I just left the dentist without receiving a free toothbrush, can you believe that?" This man appeared to be Iranian or something along those lines and I don't think he quite understood the implications of what I just said, he half smiled and motioned for me to pay him again. But this cannot be overlooked.

That is easily the most un-American thing to have ever happened to me, and basically, I have no re-course. I can't go back there and demand a toothbrush, that's ridiculous, plus they're like $3.00, I'm not so cheap that I have to grovel for tooth care products. But I still feel gilted. I mean things have happened before, once in a while someone at a BBQ will give you a burger with no cheese on it, I've been told to sit down at playoff games before, I've been to Dr's offices that for some reason don't have subscriptions to Highlights magazine because, "we're not a pediatricians office, sir." Whatever. That stuff was small potatoes compared to this.

Look, everyone hates the dentist, but more or less I'm fine with making small talk with everyone in reception, I'm fine with you taking a pick-ax to my teeth, I'm not fine with paying the co-pay but I deal with it, and I'm fine with that drill you're sticking in my mouth...But I'm only fine with all that if the pay off is a free toothbrush at the end of the day...without that, the whole thing seems so worthless. 

Now if you'll excuse me, for the first time in my life I have to go figure out where they sell toothbrushes.

Red Sox Fans Pulse Check: Break Up the Sox!

Bat Flips and Hand Gestures to God, That's What Cody Ross Does

Honestly, I've been hesitant to write this in the past week. It seems like every time I strike and opinion one way or the other and hit publish the team decides to swing wildly back the other way. I write they suck, they start winning, I write they're cruising right along, they start going down in flames, I write how their pitching staff sucks, their starting pitchers rip off 5 straight wins and 6 of their last 7. It's like I'm the key to this whole crazy thing (don't believe me? click the tag below for Red Sox Fans Pulse check and check the published date against the sox schedule and results on espn, its been uncanny). 

And part of me just wanted to keep my mouth shut this time, but I couldn't. I'm your leader. You guys depend on me. It's not like there's an over abundance of Red Sox related analysis and opinions out there on the internet, its basically me and a bunch of other hacks, so here we go...

The pitching is back, baby! Over a 5 game span Buch (a minor miracle), Doubront, Bard, Lester, and Beckett  all picked up W's.  And none of them have been cheap either, Lester and Beckett combining for 16 innings of one run ball at one point. All the while the bullpen has been its usual dependable self (honestly, two weeks into the season, who would have imagined that sentence making any sense at all?) 

It's squelched the ridiculous Aaron Freaking Cook talks, and it's kept the Daisuke buzz at a manageable level (for the few out there asking about him...you remember how much he sucked, right? the 120 pitch 5 inning starts? The silly 6 walks, 3 hits lines he threw out there? Lets not let revisionist history prevail here). 

Things are kind of rolling right along right now, its pretty nice actually. I'm just deathly afraid of rocking the boat and causing yet another turn around with one of my blogs, so a few things I'm concerned about:

The pitching staff, still.  Yes they've been great as of late, but it's going to take a few more turns through the rotation before I buy into it. Seeing Lester step up like an Ace was fantastic. Watching Beckett bounce back and throw the defiant game that I was looking for (albeit a start to late to salvage his reputation) was excellent...but it's got to continue. It starts with those two guys, if you're getting consistent efforts from them, everyone else falls into line. You can eat a bad start here or there from the young guys at the back of the rotation, and if Buch continues to falter, you can take him out back and shoot him. It'll be ok. 

The lineup worries me long term. Yes they're second or third in the league in runs...they've been fantastic so far. No knocks there. My only concern is how long the smoke and mirrors show can go on. Look at that lineup...Outside the catcher, which was going to be a platoon anyway, out of the remaining 8, there are three guys that you would have penciled in as starters at the end of last year. Pedroia, Gonzalez, and Papi. That's it. Yes, Aviles is a regular, but he won his job in the middle of spring training, if you want to count him, go ahead, but its on a technicality. 

That means you have 4-5 guys playing significant time due to injuries, who otherwise wouldn't have seen much time, or in some cases, wouldn't have even been in the majors. That's concerning long term. How long can these guys keep producing above expectations? How long can they do a reasonable job replacing Youk, Crawford, and Ellsbury? Right now, things look great...but I'm still knocking on wood and crossing my fingers and toes that they can keep this up. 

It's still very much a team of question marks until some of injured guys get back into the swing of the lineup. When you look at it that way, two games under .500 isn't so bad. Or at least that's what I tell myself, they're just treading water till these guys come back, so far, they haven't drowned.

Small Town Newspaper Shares Real Feelings on Highschool Softball Coach

This is why there's still a place in my heart for small local news papers. Sure, I don't read them all the time, maybe not even once a week, but when I do, I always hope for something like this. Old news stories, recycled and dragged out local story lines, an over abundance of local ad's and weekly deals on honey hams, and then the payoff. Some hilarious editorial oversight that makes the whole thing worth it...Like a lazy high school softball coach who couldn't keep track of his teams stats, which is a bullshit. 

Curt Schillings Check to Rhode Island Bounces

Boston - More turmoil at Curt Schilling’s 38 Studios video-game company. Rhode Island officials disclosed this evening that the company attempted to pay a missed loan payment this evening, but had insufficient funds to cover the $1.12 million check. The firm has failed to pay its employees this week, state officials said. 

Look, I know Curt's not the guy sitting in an office typing out checks to the state of Rhode Island, ok? That's obviously not his day to day duty...but at the same time, when you're the face of the company, I'm sure you get a heads up when the company is about to cut a $1.12 million dollar check. And I'm sure it must register in your head, without even looking at the books, "hey, isn't that the same amount we just sat down with state officials to discuss yesterday because we don't have enough cash to pay them back?" 

And once that goes off in your head the next logical step would be to call that paper pusher on the phone, the one who is responsible for typing out that check and say, "hey, can you make sure we have enough cash to cover that." 

 Boom, whole thing would have been avoided. Yea, you'd still be welching on that $1.1 mill you owe, but at least you wouldn't suffer the embarrasment of having your check hung up in the State's Clerks office with your picture and a caption that says "Cash only." Next thing you now you'll be training chickens for cock-fighting in order to pay off the bounced checks at your local bodega...not a good look Schill.

 I mean, even I know that if I'm going to live on the edge and pay Comcast late whenever I please, I'd better make sure the check clears...it's bill dodging 101.

Dentist Appointment Is Cramping My Style Today

No blogs today, general rule of thumb is anytime there's a chance someone takes a drill to my tooth, I take the day off. If I have to suffer, you all have to suffer. Be back tomorrow folks.

Ranting On Tips, Service Fees, And Other Hidden Costs

Slate - Cabs in New York City used to accept payment exclusively in cash, and tipping was governed by informal norms. Then they installed touchscreens that display advertorial content and also facilitate credit card payment. When you pay with a card, you can manually enter a tip number or you can select one of three default options, and Joshua Gross notes that the defaults make an enormous difference: During payment, the user is presented with three default buttons for tipping: 20%, 25%, and 30%. When cabs were cash only, the average tip was roughly 10%. After the introduction of this system, the tip percentage jumped to 22%. Those three buttons resulted in $144,146,165 of additional tips. Per year. Those are some very valuable buttons. 

This tipping of cab-drivers thing has always driven me nuts.  You know what my tip for the cab driver is? Rounding to the nearest $5 in whatever I'm paying him. If I owe $22.15, he gets $25...that's it.  Yea, on occasion if its like $24 and change, I'll toss in a couple of singles, but otherwise, what am I tipping for? I don't tip bus drivers and subway conductors, do I?

I hired this guy to drive me from point A to Point B. You've agreed to charge me a set rate...that's what you're getting paid. If that's not enough then work to raise the rates. Plain and simple. Short of defying the laws of time and space and teleporting me to my destination, there's not much a cab driver can do to make me go out of my way to tip them extra...they're certainly not making up for it with their conversation skills. 

In fact, I think that'd be a good rule for our society as a whole going forward, just charge me what you think is fair. Don't make me sit here and think about how much the service I just bought from you should cost, I'm already paying you, you do the work. And don't hide or re categorize charges as fees or whatever bullshit term you want to come up with, just tell me the frigen price. Bottom line it for me. 

Like I stayed at Foxwoods a couple months back...the listed room price was one price, the final bill was another entirely, with random tax charges, and something called a resort fee! Honestly guys, what the fuck is that?! How is that not part of the room fee? Is it optional? If I agree not to go to the pool or get massage or something because I'll be spending the next 24 hours drinking and gambling can I get out of it? No. No, I can't. So put it up front in the original charge. Fucking crooks. 

There's plenty more. Delivery charges for takeout food...safe to say if you're charging me for delivery, I'm not tipping your driver more than $2, and that's just because I feel like a dick when I go to the door and don't give him anything. But to me the delivery charge is the tip. I don't feel so much as I'm being taken here, as this needs to get more publicity and become a social norm. I feel like not enough people pay attention to this. People, if you're charged a delivery charge, its the same thing as when a restaurant automatically includes 20% gratuity for large parties. You're under no obligation from that point forward.

Lets keep going. Meals tax on snacks. What the hell guys. If I buy a snickers bar downstairs at our cafe, I shouldn't be charged 6.25% more than if I buy it upstairs in the vending machine. Same goes for my Vitamin Water-Zero. This is just asinine. Same company, same building, different room, different charges. 

Rolling right along...Convenience charges when buying tickets online, when I PRINT THE TICKETS MYSELF...my ink, my paper, your convenience. I get it if I'm having them mailed to me, hell, I'd get it if I picked them up at the box office since that requires you have staff present. I will never for the life of me understand how the fuck these guys get away with charging me for printing my own tickets. This is the most confounding racket going today. And they get you both ways, coming and going! Because if you decide you're going to turn around sell your ticket, say on stub-hub, you get hit with a selling charge. A percentage of your profits...So not only did you pay above face value for your tickets, but now, when you go to sell them, you have virtually no chance of recouping your money, because even if you charge the $10 or so above face value that you paid for your tickets (because of the fucking inconvenience fee), you've still go to give back a portion of those profits for stub hub acting as your broker. IT'S ALL A SCAM...You cannot win when it comes to buying event tickets. 

That's all I got for now, but this could easily become a regular installment. Bottom line, all I want is for places to just start pricing things for what they actually cost, no more hidden fees, no more service charges after the fact, and make those goddamn convenience fees illegal. I'm not cheap, I'm perfectly happy paying what I owe, I just like to know what that is.

Tough Night In Canada for Baseball Umpires

In speaking with Lawrie after the game, Canadian Mounted Police were overheard saying "Eh, would you kindly take your temper tantrum elsewhere, eh? This is Canada, hoser."

But in all seriouness, for such an allegedly peaceful country,  what is with all the umpire hate?

Chances are that Canadian cop was more upset at the offender for wasting $8 worth of Labatt Blue than he was for striking the umpire.