Are People Still Into Charlie Sheen? Really?

Boston.com - Charlie Sheen will be stirring up a new round of laughs when “Anger Management’’ arrives June 28. FX on Tuesday set the premiere date for Sheen’s new sitcom, which returns him to weekly TV after his noisy exit last season from the CBS hit “Two and a Half Men.’’ Announced last summer, “Anger Management’’ is loosely based on the 2003 movie about a non-traditional therapist. Fox says two episodes will air June 28. It has ordered 10 episodes for the first season.

Well this sounds like an absolutely horrible idea. I mean, they always say, when pitching a tv show you should just pick a so-so movie from 10 years ago and then spin off a series from it. Plus, you can't miss by pairing it with an absolute freak of a bi-polar actor who's schtick grew old precisely 11 months ago today. 

Seriously are people still into Charlie Sheen's whole bit? It didn't get old soon as you realized he'd came out of his manic state and was actually conscious of his actions? Not to sound callous, but ravings of a mad man are wayyy funnier when they're coming in the middle of an absolute mental breakdown, not when he's producing them as a form of entertainment. 

There's 6.7 million people that are still following him on Twitter?  Either there are alot more bot/spam followers on Twitter than anyone thought or people just flat out aren't using their accounts anymore, that's the only way to explain it, because the guy certainly aint adding any entertainment or value to your streams, I'll tell you that much. Don't believe me, go look. Of his last 20 or so tweets, 15 were advertisements for Movies, products he's endorsing, or movies that friends and family are in, 2 are happy birthday wishes, and the other few are retweets of some delusional fans slobbering on his knob. HE's BORING AS SHIT. And the fact that there is still any interest in him is a serious indictment on the state of the American education system, as well as the entertainment industry as a whole.

What's Going On With Jessica Simpson?

Jessica Simpson: The Life Blood of the Moo-Moo Industry

For real, what is going on here? I wrote a completely non-pc blog about Jessica back on November 2nd back when Jessica not only looked like she was pregnant, she also looked like she was beefing up for a shot at the NFL combine as a combo linebacker/defensive end...Now? Well dreams of the NFL are gone, I'll tell ya that much...Pretty sure they don't make shoulder pads to cover those two melons, which is a shame because she'd probably be more dominant than Vince Wilfork with that size.

But more to the point, November 2nd was 4 MONTHS AGO! So again, what is going on here? Is Jessica in some sort of perma-pregnant state? Was she really that fat at like 4 and a half months? I have so many questions...Will she ever be fit again? Are those heals scientifically engineered? Is her assistant just sewing her bed sheet in the back when she gets up in the morning and sending her on her way? Did they make that suede purse out of her own hide? 

If we go another month without that baby popping out we're going to need to launch a full scale investigation.

Snooki Is Pregnant...The Mayans Were Right

She's gonna be a great Mom, I can feel it.

Fox News - Polizzi, 24, is carrying her first child by her boyfriend Jionni LaValle, and is roughly three months along, sources told the New York Post. Sources said the reality star, who denied being pregnant earlier this month, has already brokered a deal to announce the news on the cover of Us Weekly after she shopped the story to several celebrity magazines. But sources tell Page Six that MTV is worried about how to manage the news, given that Polizzi's hard-partying, booze-swilling ways have just been turned into a "Jersey Shore" spinoff with Jenni "J-WOWW" Farley, which has begun shooting in New Jersey. "MTV went into crisis mode after they found out," a source said. "They're trying to hide it because it would greatly affect the creative direction of the show." The untitled new show has just begun taping and focuses on the ladies' relationship as friends and roommates -- and whatever adventures come their way.

Is there still room in that doomsday shelter thing in Nebraska for a few more reservations? I'll pack my bags right now. 

MTV, how could you be so irresponsible? Seriously, you have two jobs, and two jobs only. One, document the downfall of society through such television shows as The Real World, Jersey Shore, and the Teen Mom franchise, and two...ensure all subjects are either sterilized or using some form of pharmaceutical contraception as to not further corrode our once great society. This is on your hands guys. 

PS: Thoughts on the name of this child? Maybe a tribute to a couple of her roommates? J-Woww "Meatball" Polizzi?  

And double PS: Between Jionni and his Napoleon like stature, and the fact that Snooki is a sausage finger away from legally being a midget, this kid might have a chance at the record books for shortest human ever.

For Real, How Delicious Do Methuen Public Schools' "KKK Chicken" Look?l

METHUEN (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - A lunch menu typo caused a bit of controversy in Methuen schools. About 6,500 students in four elementary schools got menus on Monday for the month of March. One entry reads "KKK Chicken." The superintendent told the Eagle Tribune the menu was supposed to read "KK Chicken Tenders" short for Krispy and Krunchy, spelled with a K. She called the typo unfortunate and apologized.

For real? Are those the actual nuggets in question? Because I'll tell you, I'm a product of Methuen Public schools, and they sure as shit weren't serving anything like those gourmet looking, crispy, golden beauty's. Our nuggets were rubbery, barely unfrozen, and mostly bread...didn't stop me from usually ordering two servings on nugget day, but still, they sucked. So if these nuggets here are the actually nuggets in question, I'd say school officials can call them whatever they want and I'd still scarf them down. 

In fairness, maybe the KKK was a bit too blunt and frankly, offensive. You're a school system, your job is to educate, maybe go with something a little more subtle that the kids can learn a history lesson from..."Maybe Uncle Tom's Crispy Chicken", or "Nat Turners Tenders," that has a pretty good ring to it and it's educational.

Methuen school menu included 'KKK Chicken' typo: MyFoxBOSTON.com

I'm Legit Afraid of Creeping on Linkedin

So I've never really been into Linkedin, I've had a profile, I get random network requests that I accept, but I've never really visited the site since I signed up for it a few years back, until recently when I started getting notifications that "someone has viewed my profile." 

"Oh, really? That's kind of convenient," I naively thought. 

Because it's not convenient, at all. Who would ever creep on someone on here if the person you're creeping on is going to be alerted to said creeping!? WHO? Like here I am trying to get my stalk on with some senior managers in my company and it just clicked..."SHIT...if I can see who's creeping on me, they can see that I'm creeping on them..." I've never deleted cookies faster, in a futile attempt to erase my path of creepage. 

I'm pretty sure it was to no avail, but it begs the bigger question...What is the point of a social network if you can't creep in private? Every other week some group of people is all up in a huff about Facebook or Google invading your privacy because all that public information you chose to share with complete strangers is now, being shared with complete strangers, and yet no one is upset about this? I didn't agree to have my stalking victims made aware of the fact that I'm absolutely an internet peeping tom, that shit is outrageous and a HUGE violation of my privacy.  Look, these people volunteered their information, they're openly listing their resume, skills, and job history online. If they didn't want me checking that stuff out they shouldn't have put it out there. Instead they're allowed to use it like a Venus freaking fly trap,  just sucking in Linkedin Novices like me. Can't wait for that conversation in the hallway this week..."Oh, hey Chris, saw that you were perusing my credentials at 12:30 am last Monday." That's all I need, thanks a lot Linkedin.

5 Year Old Finds Condom on the Playground, Blows it Up Like A Balloon

LITTLETON, Colo. -- A 5-year-old girl is getting ready to undergo a battery of tests after she found a condom on her school playground and thought it was a balloon. The condom was found in wood chips on the playground at Acres Green Elementary School in Littleton on Thursday. "One of my daughter's friends brought it over to my daughter and gave it to her as a gift," the father told 7NEWS. "At that point, my daughter attempted to blow it up." "The school went out as soon as they found out about it and went through the playground and did find a few other items, condoms, out on the playground," said Randy Barber, spokesman for the Douglas County School District.

While I hope the little girl is fine and didn't pick up the Herp or anything (that'll be hard to explain to future suitors once she hits the dating age), I can't help but laugh at the part where school officials went out and combed the playground after the fact and realized there were more condoms, GASP!

Guys, this isn't anything new...I was in 2nd grade like, 20 years ago (holy shit does that make me feel old) and this was going on.  I actually remember it clear as day, one of those random memories that sticks with you for some reason. It's like I knew that some how that goofy looking balloon like thing would some day play an important role in my life. Anyway, we were all playing Hit Spread (A form of spread where, when a player bobbles the ball on the catch, instead of trying to outrace the ball back to the wall, your opponents whip the ball as hard as they can at your back, it was by far our favorite game), and there it was...it was gross looking. My friend Jeff, who always seemed to know about these kind of things (he was allowed to watch Sweet Valley High and Saved by the Bell so he knew the most about high school stuff in our group) identified it instantly and said "Looks like someone did it last night." Me, in my 8 year old innocence had no idea what he was talking about, I chuckled and said something like "yea, right" and then we went back to playing, but I distinctly remember having no clue what he meant...Was it a dinner utensil? Why would someone be eating dinner out back of our school at night? Did what? What did they do? I honestly couldn't figure it out, didn't click for a couple more years until we started having health classes, then it was like "ohhhhh, they weren't eating back there, they were fucking!" 

Anyway,  my point is, this is nothing new really. I think more to the point the school might just want to lecture kids on not sticking anything they or their friends find on the ground, into their mouth. Even if it were a balloon that would still be wicked gross.

The Pope Just Walking Around, Offending Everyone He Can.

Doesn't look evil at all...

VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI on Saturday urged infertile couples to shun artificial procreation, decrying such methods as a form of arrogance. Speaking at the end of a three-day Vatican conference on diagnosing and treating infertility, Benedict also reiterated church teaching that marriage is the only permissible place to conceive children. Matrimony “constitutes the only 'place' worthy of the call to existence of a new human being" he said. The pope pressed the church ban against artificial procreation, saying infertile couples should refrain from any method to try to conceive other than sex between husband and wife. "The human and Christian dignity of procreation, in fact, doesn’t consist in a 'product,' but in its link to the conjugal act, an expression of the love of the spouses of their union, not only biological but also spiritual," Benedict said.

The Pope is...kind of a jackass. And I know that's going to offend some people, but frankly, if you're not offended by what the Pope is walking around saying then just know that I don't value your opinion on this subject, at all. 

Why? Because by the pope's logic, two teenage kids starring on an MTV reality show about teenagers getting knocked up, who decide to do the "right thing" by hosting a shotgun marriage and profiting wildly as they sign away the television rights are more worthy of procreation than any same sex couples who may be infinitely more mature and responsible, or even married couples who, though actively trying to procreate, just can't, so they turn to science...

Really Mr. Pope? That baby, the one born into trailer park trash high school parents who'll be broke as shit once this country gets over the novelty of teenage parents, who was born by MISTAKE, is better off than a couple of committed and caring parents who are trying everything they can to create a baby? That's assinine. 

And by that logic we should just stop all vaccinations, stop medical treatments altogether actually, do away with modern food processing, and all live a disease infested life of starvation...whoever God so chooses will survive though, right Pope...

Or...Or, you could get your head out of your ass, advocate against teen pregnancy, and support programs which lead to decreased rates of underage preggo's, and applaud responsible adults for creating a nurturing family, regardless of how they did it.

But that's just me, maybe I just have a little less hatred in my heart than the Pope, who knew?

The American Pie Gang is Back, it's the American Reunion!

I honestly couldn't be happier...and not just because they're back, but because it looks like they nailed this one. I mean, they even brought Stiffler back from being actually half retarded in American Wedding to just being a slightly dumb party animal again (and yes I'm pretending that slew of straight to DVD American "Fill in the Blanks", in which Jim's dad mentored a whole new generation of pervs, never happened)...In other words all is right in the world...One contention though...if the producers really wanted to go for accuracy they shouldn't have paid for Tara Reids lipo/surgery that she definitely had. This is 10 years after high school, there's always a few bloated messes who's best days are behind them, Tara was tailor made for that role and they blew it. 

But all in all, count me in for this. It's been a long time coming but I honestly don't think they could have spaced it any better for my generation. We were high school'ers when they were, we were college kids returning back at the same time they were, and now, we're a bunch of late 20-somethings with Facebook feeds blowing up with marriage proposals and baby announcements...and that one friend or two who hasn't seemed to grow up, who you know everyone else is living vicariously through their timeline photos...so it looks like this movie couldn't be more on point. 

Friday Super Blog!

In honor of my miraculous return, from my death bed, all the way three feet over to my blogging throne, I give you, The Friday Super Blog. Here we go (Yes, you are being scammed. Yes these are all topics I meant to blog this week, except I was sick. Yes I will cry about it).

Thought this was fitting for my return to the office yesterday, particularly as I chose mexican for lunch, so this nifty venn-diagram was particularly on-point. Yes, I did just share that with you, lets keep right on rolling.

My Fox Boston - Parents are trading in traditional fairy tales, like Hansel and Gretel, and Jack and the Beanstalk, for more modern stories less to likely leave their children in tears. Almost half of mothers and fathers refuse to read Rumpelstiltskin or Rapunzel to their children because parents were worried about the kidnapping theme that appears in each tale.

Fucking kids these days, they're either going to grow up soft as hell or dead because an alchemist imp with a funny sounding name has locked them up in a dungeon to spin hay into gold for sweatshop wages. And if you have no idea what I'm referring to, then you obviously didn't get down with the Brothers Grimm as a child.

BOSTON -- Boston is poised to become one of the first cities in the nation to ban satellite dishes from marring neighborhoods, Newscenter 5 has learned. Next week the Boston City Council is expected to pass a resolution, which will be signed by Mayor Thomas M. Menino, that will require satellite companies to install dishes in locations that don’t affect the aesthetics of a neighborhood. City Councilor Sal Lamattina, who wrote the ordinance, called the dishes a "blight" on city neighborhoods. "All I want them to do is make every effort to place their satellite dishes anywhere but the façade of the building," Lamattina said.

That sound you hear? Sal Lamattina and Mayor Menino wheeling their hoards of cash from Comcast down to the bank. Crooks, plain and simple.  Don't worry about any of the important stuff going on around the city, or the nightly murders in Dorchester and Mattapan, the real blight is those damned satellite dishes, not the chalk outlines. Ridiculous.

 

Ground Hog day, huh? I'm guessing when you buy a sticker like that, instead of 6 more weeks of winter it was more like 6 more years before he did it again (BAZINGA!)

A couple more serious, but equally rant-y notes: 

CNN - They may dress better than average, but they usually don't invest that way: Last year 79% of large-cap fund managers trailed the Standard & Poor's 500-stock index, says Morningstar -- the worst showing since 1997. 

Absolutely astounding. 79% of fund managers, despite their outrageous pay and hours of research did worse than if the average person just parked their cash in a single S&P fund and never thought about it again for the rest of the year.  Think about that. 4/5ths of the world's "best investment professionals," with all their advantages, their Bloomberg terminals and expensive haircuts,  couldn't out pick a blind monkey flinging feces at a page of Vanguard index funds. Good work fellas. 

CNN - Rather, I found some numbers buried deep in last month's Congressional Budget Office semi-annual update that predicted a far bigger cash flow deficit for the Social Security system than the system's trustees had predicted in their 2011 report, and tried to figure out what was going on...This deterioration—call it a total of about $300 billion for this year and the next four—will become obvious when the Social Security trustees release their annual update, probably in April...However, because of higher energy prices and other inflationary fallout touched off largely by Arab Spring, the adjustment was 3.6%. 

I touched on this once before, but this really got me going again today.  So all of a sudden higher gas prices are equivalent to nationwide inflation and merit a 3.6% raise, funded by me, when just about everyone else in the private sector will be lucky to get a 1-2% inflationary raise this year? Am I reading that right? Like gas prices aren't higher for everyone? Just everyone living off social security? BULLSHIT. First off, inflation has been essentially flat for the past year...Yea gas prices have gone up, last I checked that's not the only measure of our economy...In fact, managing to stave off inflation is about the only positive thing the clowns leading this economy have succeeded at lately.  But hey, old people vote, and if they need their raises for their cars they shouldn't be driving anymore anyway, hey, lets give it to them, am I right?

Fox News - An eighth-grader suspended after pranking a classmate with a bag of oregano following a lecture on the dangers of marijuana has a civil liberties group in his corner, but officials at his North Carolina school aren't backing down. The boy was booted from his school for 55 days for the stunt at Cuthbertson Middle School in Waxhaw, N.C. School officials cite the district's policy manual, which says a student can get a 10-day suspension for "possessing illegal or counterfeit drugs and "misuse of chemical/material (organic or otherwise) that causes or is purported to cause a hallucinogenic/mind altering effect." A longer suspension can be imposed if officials determine a student's conduct "demonstrates a willful violation" of school policies.

Am I missing something here? Has oregano made the jump from a fairly mundane domestic spice to a class D drug?  Like, how did we skip right past the standard 10 day suspension (which still would have been ridiculous) go right to the 55 day, your future is fucked, sentence. For a bag of flavor enhancing herbs? What's next, kids getting detention for PDA for doing that old sex motion with their fingers?

Allright, I'll be completely honest, I just wanted to post that .gif.  For some reason that old finger-sex motion that we all used to do in middle school popped into my head the other day and I just started laughing...It was like 11:30 at night and I broke out into hysterics. And now you can all enjoy as well. 

Happy Super Blog Everyone!

50 Things I Would Rather Be Doing Than Watching the 2011-2012 Celtics (As Well as a Piece Defending Danny Ainge)

I make that face alot when watching the Celtics play these days




Well, the day of reckoning has finally arrived for the guys in green and white. The proverbial “ three year window” that Danny Ainge said he could keep open at the beginning of the Big Three Era is, in my humble opinion, finally coming to a close. Now, despite the increasing popularity of second guessing/excoriating Danny Ainge as our GM, people should realize we got 4 years of strongly competing for a title when the Celtics, when back in 2003, were stuck in Salary Cap/Basketball HELL due to the impossible mess that dumbass…I mean former GM Chris Wallace left. Ainge got rid of Antoine Walker, an overpaid inefficient volume scorer, Mark Blount who possessed a personality so toxic reporters needed haz mat suits to even speak to him, and jettisoning Raef Lafrentz when it was apparent he was beyond worthless.

As far as I am concerned, Ainge has only missed on 2 significant draft picks in his time as GM, using a first round pick on Gerald Green and J.R Giddens. Green was somewhat defensible at the time, as taking high school kids was becoming more trendy and their #1 target, Danny Granger, had just come off the boards. Additionally, despite David Lee being picked 30th overall, there was no one else of significance in that draft. The Giddens pick hurt a good deal, because Mario Chalmers (hero of the Kansas Jayhawks title run that year) was available to shore up the revolving door we have had at back up point guard as well as DeAndre Jordan, which every fan of college basketball or the Celtics believed we were going to take to complement Kendrick Perkins.

Despite these two screw ups, Ainge at least has the balls to make things happen for this team. He’s not afraid to spend money or trade players for the right deal. Wallace, Pitino, and M.L Carr were HORRENDOUS at drafting, free agency, or making sensible trades. Hell, Wallace was LUCKY Pierce fell to the Celtics at the 10th pick in the 98 draft, because if he wasn’t there, word is we would have drafted *Keith Van (false: as CW pointed out to me, Van Horn was drafted a year prior to Pierce. From what I remember, Michael Doleac was who the C's were going to take if they didn't get Pierce. I could be making that up as well, whatever. Point is 90's front office didn't do much right.) I shudder to think of what would have happened if we didn’t dodge that bullet.
The point of the matter is this: Every GM in the NBA makes great moves and horrible ones, that’s the nature of dealing with professional sports. Some make nothing but terrible moves (Otis Smith for example) while others seemingly can’t miss (Sam Presti recently) But over time, every GM gets hot and cold, much as players do. Mitch Kupchak, apparently a genius for drafting Bynum and trade raping the idiotic Grizzlies for Pau Gasol, now has Metta World Peace, Steve Blake, and Luke Walton tying up $15 million in cap space, completely handicapping the Lakers at the tradeline. So whatever failings Danny may have had (The Kendrick Perkins trade sticks out like a sore thumb,) he’s also the man that turned a bottom 5 team into a champion in one season and that, I’ll forever be grateful to him.

Now to the fun part of the piece. Despite the fact I still watch every game of the Celtics season, it’s coming to feel like watching the Titanic right after the ship has smashed into the iceberg: a slow, tortuous sink to the bottom. Here are 50 things I’d rather do that would probably be less painful

1. Get a colonoscopy from Edward Scissor Hands
2. Watch an episode of Chloe and Kim take New York
3. Try to out eat Takeru Kobayashi
4. Lick a heated waffle iron
5. Watch the Fourth Kind again (I can’t stress how much this movie sucks)
6. Smash my face into a windshield so I can FINALLY call 1-800-54GIANT
7. Get into a fight with Bruce Banner
8. Play Chess against Spock
9. Listen to any of the nonsensical garbage spewing from the sound holes of the dumb broads on “The View”
10. Play “Guitar Hero: Avril Lavigne Edition”
11. Go to a modern art museum
12. Be the donkey in a “Pin the tail on the Donkey” Competition
13. Read anything written by Frederick Nietzsche
14. Go skinny dipping in the Atlantic Ocean right now.
15. Discuss politics with Michael Moore
16. Play a game of dodgeball with wrenches instead of balls
17. Wax all the hair off of my body
18. Have a private work out session with Richard Simmons
19. Talk religion with Rick Santorum
20. Work as Chucky Cheese as a child’s birthday party
21. Be a window washer for the Empire State building
22. Sled down Mount Everest
23. Eat anything on the menu at America’s source of E-coli, Denny’s
24. Hold in my puke from #23
25. Be a security guard at a heavy metal concert
26. Try to convince people Tom Cruise isn’t secretly gay
27. Get in a sword fight with Aragorn, son of Arathorn
28. Listen nothing to but Rihanna, Katy Perry, and Pitbull (god that would suck)
29. Get in a jello wrestling match with Hillary Clinton
30. Ride to the west coast on a plastic big wheel
31. Take a dump in a hot girls house and clog the toilet (ala Harry in Dumb and Dumber)
32. Survive on a diet of hot pockets, egg nog, and hungry man tv dinners
33. Wear a Lebron James Heat Jersey in downtown Cleveland
34. Pick up a chick at a Wal Mart
35. Do the laundry at a retirement home
36. Watch any member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour do standup
37. Write a dissertation defending the merits of “The Jersey Shore” and its social effect on modern day society
38. Challenge an Irishman to a drinking contest
39. Try to do more coke than Charlie Sheen
40. Only watch The Phantom Menace and The Clone Wars
41. Drive a mini-van as my primary method of transportation
42. Try to ride a REAL bull…in the wild
43. Listen to the story of how I was created
44. Use dial-up internet connection speed for a week
45. Fit John Goodman for assless leather chaps
46. Get some sort of piercing, not on the wiener though.
47. Try to argue that bowling is a sport
48. Attend a WNBA game wearing a team’s respective apparel
49. Eat a bag of puke flavored jelly beans only
50. Meet Ron Burgundy (This one is actually awesome, I want to do this very much)

Quick State of the Blog: I'm Not Dead Yet

Not quite anyway, but I definitely feel like death warmed over. The cause of this misery? A barely two year old baby. Yea, that's right a baby. Sometimes cute, sometimes cuddly, sometimes funny, always bio-hazardous. They're like walking, crawling, babbling weapons of mass destruction. 

It is a guaranteed fact that I'll be sick within 24 hours of being in closed quarters with a child under the age of 5. First off, kids are always sick, just to varying degrees but you'll never come across a toddler who doesn't have dangling boogers on a daily basis.  And secondly, you throw me, an adult who generally spends the majority of his time around  other adults capable of washing their hands, blowing their nose, and frowning upon their peers who choose to eat non-edible things they find on the ground, and you have a volatile combination. 

And that's exactly where we're at right now, day 3 of a dastardly head cold that so far neither of the 'qyls have been able to wrangle. It's been fantastic. It's not even the kind of cold where I can enjoy calling out of work, it's just misery. I can't even nap it off because for some reason this cold has come equipped with a vicious case of the snores, just waking myself up every 3 minutes, chopping down a forest with my breathing. And try finding a cold remedy that lists snoring on its symptoms list...there's no variant of tussin for that...It's gotten so bad that a few minutes ago, while completely wide awake and watching tv, I snored. That's right, I snored while wide awake and mostly coherrent...I've never even heard of that before, has me debating whether I should be on the phone with Mass General telling them to get their best team of Doc's down here to diagnose this brand new plague that I've attained. 

But anyway, just wanted to check in and let you all know that I haven't abandoned the blog, I'm just a bedridden adult whiner who's ran out of ginger ale and saltines and still acts like he's 7 whenever he gets a cold...except they apparently don't show Flipper and Gilligan's Island on TBS during the day anymore.

Preschooler's Lunch Confiscated for Not Being As Nutritious as Chicken Nuggets...

Mom outraged after packed turkey lunch called 'unhealthy', replaced with chicken nuggets: MyFoxBOSTON.com

(NewsCore) - A North Carolina preschooler was fed cafeteria chicken nuggets after a state employee decided that her homemade lunch was not nutritious enough, the Carolina Journal reported. The West Hoke Elementary School student's lunch box -- which contained a turkey and cheese sandwich, banana, potato chips and apple juice -- was inspected by a state agent in the girl's classroom and deemed not to meet the nutrition guidelines set by the US Department of Agriculture (USDA), according to the report Tuesday.

Real talk, I would not make it as child these days. Too much beurocracy. From kindegarten thru 8th grade, little CW ate one of three things for lunch, a bologna sandwich, a roast beef sandwich, or PB & Fluff. As a side dish I had a chewy granola bar...And I was as happy and healthy as a pig in shit. 

But today? Shit, I probably would have been suspended, my parents would have probably been featured in the police notes of the local newspaper for child abuse for repeatedly packing me "non-nutritious" lunches, and I would have rebelled. Would probably be emo or something, just lashing out against the man and wearing black eye liner, I don't know.

This kid's lunch basically sounds more healthy than anything I've put together for myself in the last couple of years, and I'm an adult. Leave the kid alone...who swaps out a turkey sandwich and banana for chicken nuggets? Talk about hypocrisy. What, does this "state agent" get a cut of every $2.15 lunch they force students to buy? And what the hell is a state agent, for that matter? States all across the country are facing budget deficits and we have schools employing special agents to inspect 8 year old Tommy and Tammy's lunch boxes? Get the fuck out. That's the biggest waste of money I've ever heard of. 

This country is going straight to hell in a hand basket, little kids can't even eat the lunches their parents packed for them, jesus. I'm looking up flights to Australia right now, just going to start a whole new civilization of common sense down there.

New Scientific Study Basically Suggests Fat People More likely to be Senile

I assume this woman is already senile.

Boston.Com - If your doctor had a crystal ball that could predict whether you’d become senile in old age, would you want to know? Perhaps, if you could actually do something to prevent it. A growing body of research indicates that certain lifestyle factors may be associated with an increased or decreased risk of developing dementia due to Alzheimer’s disease or strokes...Three new studies released by the American Academy of Neurology this week have found some surprising factors:

1. Walking slowly

2. Excess calorie consumption.

3. Interrupted sleep.

So fat people, right? Or if you want to get technical, fat people who snore, but I'm pretty sure weight is a contributing factor to snoring anyway, so let's just simplify and say fat people.  Fat people have a greater chance of senility.  I just have this scenario in my head where the lead researcher of this study had this really simple presentation all set explaining how land monsters have a greater chance of senility than non-land monsters and the board at the American Academy of Neurology was like, "you really need to beat around the bush here, people don't like being told that their fatness may be debilitating." And that's ultimately how we ended up here, with a column that reads really nice and gentile, sparing everyone's feelings, instead of just coming out and saying; "if you'd like a greater chance of retaining your memories later in life maybe stop eating so much and move around a little bit more, it can't hurt."

Well if the scientists don't want to say it, I will: A recent study suggests Heffers are more likely to be senile later in life. If you'd like a greater chance of retaining your memories later in life maybe stop eating so much and move around a little bit more, it can't hurt."

Saving lives and cognitive abilities, that's just what we do here. 

Is this My Blog's Target Audience?

Honestly, I check the analytics daily, I'm constantly puzzled about who my target audience is. That there is a snapshot of keywords searches on google and bing in the last few hours that have directly resulted in viewers landing on my page...quite the mixed bag.

On the one hand, we have obvious name recognition, which is good to see, it only took about a year and a half but I think we're now number two when someone searches alt tab on google. Plus I obviously encourage anyone searching for "big nose," and "funny fat kid" to check us out on a regular basis. That's my bread and butter.

Then you've got a few odd terms that are ultimately understandable. Betting cafe for example was from when the Maestro was going to keep a running blog of his ups and downs in the sports betting world. I'm pretty sure we featured Jessica Biel as Cat Woman at one point or another, and if we haven't we soon will, as I'm googling her now. Even shotgun 12 gauge makes a bit of sense as I've had a gun blog or two in the past.

But then there's the just flat out weird stuff. Fran Drescher Nipples? What the fuck? Pushing past the fact that there is some creep-o out there sitting commando style in his computer chair one handedly google searching for images of Fran Drescher's nipples, how the hell did he end up here? We've done one Nanny related posted, ever. Maybe I've mentioned her annoying voice in passing at some other point, but that's it. Now we're one of the world's leading search results for Nanny Fine porn? This is all going horribly wrong. 

And to the guy searching hot women in nothing...nice, way to be imaginative. That could be the least original, yet most to the point search in the history of the internet. 

Lebron's Ongoing Intentional Comedy

I know you don't get it Lebron, but you screwed up again.


Lebron is at again. The player who continuously waffles between being a villain and a cherished superstar with a unique skillset never before seen in this league, cannot prevent his mouth from continuing to make him look like a complete jackass. I’ll openly admit, I do not like LeBron. From his public comments that express an almost incomprehensible lack of self awareness, like his initial bafflement as to why people didn’t like “The Descision”, to his outright dismissive arrogance, like mocking Dirk Nowitzski’s flu during the NBA Finals last summer. That being said, I am often in awe of what the man can do on a basketball court. He is a freak specimen that has begun to work on his deficient low post game to become a more complete player.

Yet it is his insecurity as a player, his overwhelming desire to somehow get everyone to love him, that is his biggest hurdle to becoming a complete player.

Just yesterday, LeBron told reporters, “You can’t predict the future…If I decide to come back, hopefully the fans will accept me.” Earth to LeBron: You proverbially cock teased about 4 major franchises 2 years ago in the most ridiculous off season ever, left tantalizingly vague suggestions you were considering a potential move, and left your hometown franchise in one of the biggest media debacles and PR/image assassinations ever seen. I may not be able to predict the future, but I have an inkling you won’t exactly be welcomed back with open arms. Dan Gilbert (who’s an immature, whiny shitstain in his own right) has publicly excoriated Lebron numerous times since his departure, fans were publicly burning his jersey in the streets, and is soundly boo’ed every time he touches the ball. Is LeBron really so oblivious that he can’t realize he napalmed his bridges in Cleveland by shattering a collective fan bases heart?

Now, would most Cleveland fans welcome him back if this were a sincere suggestion? Probably. Maybe it would be begrudgingly, resentfully, and hesitantanly, but you don’t pass on one of the most talented players in the league. But the fact this statement was made, in my opinion, with ZERO intention of returning to the Cavaliers in a desperate attempt at garnering affection comes off as ridiculously patronizing.
LeBron is developing a damaging habit of promising the world to a fanbase, then coming up short when it matters most. In numerous interviews during his time as a Cavalier, he firmly promised his ultimate goal was to bring a championship to Cleveland. Although he didn’t always have the best supporting cast, he had more pull in personnel decisions than any other player, hell, most front office guys have in the league. As we know, that never happened. During his absurdly self promoting “Pre-Season Pyrotechnic Parade” He guaranteed something like 6 or 7 titles.

While he is only in his second year and having the most efficient NBA season of all time (shit that’s kind of amazing, when you consider it), it’s almost like he learned nothing from the fall out after “The Descision.”

As a free agent, it was absolutely within his rights to offer his services to another team. It’s the manner in which he publicly handles his NBA career that rubs a great deal of people the wrong way. If I were a Heat fan (a real fan, not these bandwagon assholes who jumped on when 3 of the best players in the league were acquired through collusion…uh, I mean “trades.”) I’d be pretty pissed LeBron is openly pining for his scorned fanbases affection. It’s this overwhelming desire to be cherished for the talent he is that I think well prevent LeBron from ever realizing his true potential, like Kobe has done over the course of his career.

Kobe, despite his caustic attitude towards his team mates and his haughty dismissal of questions he doesn’t like, has never wavered from the player he is: A cold blooded villain who thrives, hell maybe even ENJOYS, in the face of the collective hate of fanbases outside of L.A. Kobe has proven, even with Shaq, that he has that killer instinct that allows him to completely take over a game, even if it comes at the expense of his team mates happiness or fan’s approval. At the end of the day, Kobe is a winner. LeBron may get there someday, but until he stops his incessant cries for love and focuses on what he is paid to do (play basketball) I doubt he will ever achieve what he is capable of.

New Mini-Wheats Commercial is Legitimately Causing me to Lose Sleep

For whatever reason I had an all out panic attack at like 12:30 at night two nights ago, all worried that little Becca probably knows more about science than me at this point. I'm dead serious, I grabbed my tablet and started wikipedia'ing cloud formations, the water cycle, the 7 steps of the scientific method, and various geological facts...for good measure, at work yesterday, I spent 4 hours dusting up on my highest mountains of the world trivia...Just in case Becca decided she wanted to go out for the Geography bee too.

I have no idea what came over me, it was like I was all of a sudden in a state of shock that there is probably legions of 4-6th graders who have greater trivial knowledge of juvenile science than I do, it troubled me. Then I was thinking, years from now, assuming I have kids and they need help with their homework, am I even going to know anything about the Solar System? That stuff changes on like, an hourly basis. Pluto's a planet, then it's not, then it is, then it's not but some people still say it is. I can't keep up.

It got me thinking that there may be a market for a very specific form of continuing education for adults. Adults like me who aren't particularly concerned about getting an MBA or anything, but would much rather retain their trivial knowledge of elementary and middle school topics, in the event that we're ever called as a contestant on Jeopardy, or even, Are you Smarter Than A 5th Grader.

I don't think it's that impractical either, I mean, how much time would a functioning adult such as myself need to go back through 2-4th grade? A month? Slap together a couple diorama's featuring clay dinosaurs and you're good. The middle school grades might be a bit tougher, maybe you do something like class twice a week for two months for each grade?

Did I just lay out the perfect business plan for parents who want to stay one step ahead of their pre-teen children as far as intelligence goes? Yep.

Panama City Beach Officials Worried About Bikini Parade Devolving into a Girls Gone Wild Situation

Fox News - Panama City Beach, Fla. is attempting to break the Guinness Book of World Record for the Largest Bikini Parade and knock Australia off its throne. But not everyone in the city is happy about it. The event, on March 6, is taking place at one of the most popular spring break destinations in the country, known for its golden sands, clear waters, and of course bikinis. But some city leaders say the idea to have hundreds of women parade around in a two-piece swimsuit would devolve into "Girls Gone Wild" on the beach. “We’ll have a lot of college kids and there’s a lot of hormones flowing out there. It’s very volatile and it doesn’t take a whole lot for things to go sour,” said Panama City Beach city council member Ken Nelson.

Uhhh, guys, if you're worried about Girls Gone Wild type situations breaking out in your city, you may want to go investigate that over-sized Girls Gone Wild tour bus parked behind the seedy motel...I mean Panama City, FL has been one of the crown jewels of the GGW series, seems a bit hypocritical to worry about a bunch of beach goers marching around in their beach attire, all things considered. 

Also, is there anything the people of Guinness Book won't consider a record these day? Largest bikini parade? Seems to me these records are getting more and more specific each time I hear about one.  Like anyone can make up some ridiculous idea that no one has ever been dumb enough to organize before and all of a sudden claim it's a record. Stop giving these people credit for such blatant wastes of time on trivial pursuits.  These girls were all going to be on the beach anyway, all this takes is some jackass with a megaphone and a banner getting all these girls to march a block or two down the street, that's not an accomplishment.

Mark Zukerberg's 6 Secrets for Success

Daily Finanace - David Kirkpatrick, author of The Facebook Effect: The Inside Story of the Company That is Connecting the World -- the only book about the site written with Zuckerberg's full cooperation -- offers an insider's view of what we can learn from the 27-year-old billionaire, while challenging some of the conventional wisdom on the inscrutable entrepreneur. Here, according to Kirkpatrick, are the key ingredients in Zuckerberg's recipe for success.

1. Believe in Yourself

2. Just Get It Done

3. Stick to Your Vision and Tune Out the Naysayers

4. Loyalty Breeds Success

5. Live Below Your Means

6. Follow Your Passion -- Not the Money

All due respect to Mark, I think he forgot one, "Invent the most addictive and popular website in the history of the internet."  Not to be too cynical here, but I just can't stand whenever some uber-rich guy comes out with lists like this, it's bullshit. It's common sense, and it has nothing to do with your company's success or your riches that followed. 

You're rich and successful for two reasons, you thought of/and/or possibly borrowed a brilliant idea, and you executed it brilliantly. That's it folks, it's that simple. All that other stuff, that corporate fluff (to be fair my company has never said "get it done," so maybe Mark hasn't gone totally corporate, but we do say things like "commitment to operational excellence," which is the same thing), it's common sense and propaganda for the employees.

Take myself for instance:

1. Believe in Yourself - I consistently believe that, when I put the effort in, I'm geniunely funny and pointed. Problem is, the results don't always support my theory. I think I happen to have a very narrow sense of humor and interest that is not necessarily palatable to a broad audience...I know this because we're not exactly rolling in advertising dollars or writing deals over here...probably because I don't have a brilliant original idea.

2. Just Get it Done - After working my day job I come home and research blog topics, I then rise an hour and half earlier than necessary each morning to type out this drivel...I'm getting it done, it's just not accomplishing anything...again, because I don't have a brilliant original idea.

3. Stick to your Vision and Tune out the Naysayers - Believe me, I do this. I get some pointed criticism daily from reader e-mails and comments, and I'd be more offended, it's just that for some reason, people wait several months before commenting on the blog...take this blog for example, wrote it in December, took this Jake P character two months to comment, at that point I just don't give a shit. Also, I consistently get e-mails from some guy in Africa with some pretty interesting business proposals for the site, but I always turn them down, I don't want to sell out just yet.

4. Loyalty Breeds Success - Well that's just a flat out lie...We've had a revolving door of bloggers over here, with Dr. Jack and Seany Mo being the only two that have somewhat stuck.

5. Live Below Your Means - Frankly, that's not even possible. Living below my means based on blog income would make me the equivalent of a homeless toddler, luckily I have a real job.

6. Follow Your Passion, Not the Money - If you haven't been getting the general gist of things here, I'm not exactly rising early each morning because of the promise of riches. I'd like the riches, it would be nice, I certainly wouldn't turn them down, but at this point if that was my driving force I'd be a fucking idiot because that's one dream that's surely not coming true...Probably because I don't have a brilliant and original idea.

In sum, I'd much rather listen to the business tips of every-man type business people, ones that haven't necessarily struck it rich but are still getting by, guys like: Michael Scott:

Some Ugly Guy Claiming to be Hugh Hefner's Son Arrested for Attacking Playmate

Celebuzz - Trouble at the mansion. Hugh Hefner‘s eldest son Marston Hefner was reportedly arrested for allegedly attacking Playboy’s Playmate of the Year Claire Sinclair. Claire, 20, is Marston’s girlfriend and according to TMZ.com, cops were called out to the Playboy heir’s Pasadena, Calif. pad after a 911 call was made by one of Claire’s family members claiming that Marston attacked the model. A source told the website that cops saw visible bruises on Claire upon arriving on the scene, and that Marston did admit to an altercation with his girlfriend but denied striking her. However, Claire’s story was very different. The TMZ source told the website that she told police “Marston had punched her, kicked her in the stomach and then refused to let her leave the residence.” Marston was arrested at 11:15 p.m. on Sunday night for misdemeanor domestic violence. He was released on $20,000 bail not too long after his arrest. On Monday, Hugh Hefner himself commented on the situation, telling People, “if they care about each other, they’ll patch it up.”

Either this just isn't Hef's son, just some guy taking advantage of a senile old man with a lifetime supply of viagra, or this picture is Hef's son in 1972. What the hell is going on here? The Faux mullet,the gapped teeth, the general gross looking complexion and lack of tan, and the bushy brows...that is most certainly not Hugh Hefner's son...Looks like the milk man may have a few "what happens in the grotto, stays in the grotto" stories from back in the day...

After A Day of Procrastination: My 2012 Grammy's Running Diary: Whitney Died

CW Note: Yes it's a day late, it's not my fault the Grammy's are a DECADE long. Filled 6 pages of notes watching the show, you know how long that takes to edit down? 

Welcome to the 2012 Grammy's! This is my second stab at a running diary, though my first where I actually keep a running diary (as opposed to recreating it in my head because I'm pretty sure writing feverishly at the poker table would have been frowned upon.  I'm joining the telecast a few minutes early to catch the wrap-up commentary on the red carpet, here we go:

7:54 - Giuliana Rancic sighting - Does anyone else find it kind of odd that the E! reporters at these shows are now more famous than half the people they introduce? I could give you the run down on every E! fashion reporter here but I'm in no way able to distinguish one country act from another. 

7:56 - Giuliana, Kelly Osbourne, and some Dainty Guy wrap up their fashion discussion by talking about how beautiful Adele looks...I'm sorry, why are we at a point where everyone's afraid to say anything but Adele is beautiful? Like, I'm not asking you to stand there and rip her, say she's ugly, say the black dress shows no lines, shape, or shadows and all in all just looks like a black blob, that would be rude. I'm just saying we don't have to pretend she's beautiful either. It's almost as if by not commenting that they think she's beautiful someone would infer they're saying she's fat. It's insanity. 

8:00 - Bruce opens the show, professional and safe as ever. I don't know why, but seeing Stevie Van Zant lean in and spit on him while they holler into the same microphone just doesn't get old for me. Decent performance, nothing special, thought I didn't really expect it, at this age I just don't think Bruce and the gang can throw down a classic Rosalita without first consulting a full team of AARP approved medical professionals to ensure their well-being. 

8:05 - LL Cool J introduced as host...My reaction: "they couldn't find anyone famous or cool?" LL immediately proves my point by pretending to be an ultra smooth preacher with street cred. It fails miserably. We get the standard Whitney monologue followed by being asked to bow our heads in prayer...this was my favorite part because the camera panned the audience and you could see a few members visibly rolling their eyes at the suggestion...good times.

 

8:10 - Bruno Mars - CW Reaction: "Fuck me." I just don't like the guy. I just want him to shave his head and get by without this ridiculous gimmick. NONE OF YOUR SONGS ARE MO-TOWNISH, YOUR HAIR SHOULDN'T BE EITHER. That said his performance wasn't bad, it hurts me to write that. 

8:16 - Adele wins her first award of the night, I think it was for something like "original song for most obvious odds on favorite to win a grammy  in history," or something. We figured out back in April or May that Adele was going to sweep the Grammy's, I kinda wish they just opened with her standing behind a banquet table with all the hardware she's taking home tonight, give her her proper due, let her sing one of her vengeful/depressing songs, and then we could get on with the non-Adele Grammy's.

8:20 - Alicia Keys and Some Red Headed Country Women that isn't Reeba perform. It was odd. 

8:25 - Chris Brown, seriously, what the fuck? I thought this was a celebration of singing, shouldn't he be hosting Dance 360 by now? Everyone knows he can't sing, right? And the producers of the show remember when he beat the piss out of Rihanna, right? That still happened. 

8:35 - Best Rap Song Goes To: 'Ye and Jay...They're not here to accept their award, they're presumably off doing N***ga things in Paris (I hope that's not too much, it sounded funny in my head, I'm going with it). This does rob us of a chance to see 'Ye rush his own award acceptance speech claiming something from his MBDTF album should have beat out his and Jay's collaboration, alas...

8:36 - Reeba! The other red headed country girl I don't really give a shit about...While she's babbling on about some historical thing or another in song writing I realize partially why I dislike the Grammy's so much...Way too many history lessons. Listen, I'm sure Muddy Waters, Lou Reed, and the whole gang were great, but most of us just don't care at this point. 

8:38 - Kelly Clarkson in a country duet...Looking skinnier than Adele! So she's got that going for her. Side note, I hate country, but I secretly love these pop'ish country duets. They get me every time, by the end of the song I always end up rooting for the two crazy kids to make it. I'm a bit of a sap.

8:40 On a country related note, wouldn't it be hilarious if Lady Gaga won Country Song of the year for You and I? She kinda deserves it, it was a good song. 

My fiancee's reaction:   "No that wouldn't be funny, she's awful." 

"Wait, what are you doing? Is this going in the blog?"

Yes it is, and after learning that she asked me to stress that she only thinks Gaga is awful as a country singer, not as an individual...I'm pretty sure that would be the exact reaction from Miranda Lambert if she were to win. 

8:49 - The Lone Defenders against the Foo perform...it's kind of become obligatory lately since they're like the only true rock band at this point. Every other band has a twist, metal, death metal, alternative, electro-rock, fingerbang rock, and my least favorite kind, Nickelback.  I wonder how the Foo Fighters feel about all this? On the one hand the exposure they get has got to be awesome for them, on the other it has to feel kind of patronizing since they're only performing because they're the only option.

8:51 - I openly wonder what all the people inside the Grammy's are actually doing right now...This song is being performed in a tent outside, meanwhile no camera cuts to the crowd inside. What is going on in there? Does Gaga come out of character during commercial breaks? Do Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift small talk? I need to know.

8:57 - Rihanna's unending quest to attain a "featuring" credit in every modern musical act continues with Cold Play. 

9:00 - Just realized what makes Hopeless Place so catchy...It's all hook. There are no verses, it's just a repetitive chorus over and over...Also, judging by her hair I'd say she's doing some sort of Courtney Love Tribute, which leads to this exchange:

CW: Is Courtney Love dead?

Fiancee: Probably

CW: I feel like she died this year but it wasn't a big deal...Nope, Wikipedia confirmed she's alive

So it's like a pre-emptive tribute, the most thoughtful kind. 

9:03 - I've never given Cold Play any credit...probably because I always assumed they'd be as good as The Verve, but never were. 

9:10 - We're over 2 hours in and we've seen two awards...I hate the Grammys. 

9:15 - Fucking Giants...Can't even watch the Grammy's without Super Bowl reminders...on the bright side they are finally presenting another award, best Rock Album or song or something...either way the Foo Fighters won, obviously. They beat out the exceedingly sappy Cold Play, A Mumford Sons song that came out two years ago but they decided to lump into the Grammys this year, and a couple of bands that frankly, were just happy to be there. The Foo Fighters; Winning by Default since 2004!

9:16 - Is Stevie Van Zandt, who played Silvio Dante in the Soprano's, married in real life to his character wife from the show? (quick IMDB search) Yep She Is! I knew that show was real life. Greatest reality show ever. 

9:17 - Ryan Seacrest's hair looks phenomenal...That is all.

9:18 - The Beach Boys are performing with Maroon Five, who are trying way too hard to seem cool right now.  Adam Levine: Overexposed. Go back to being a poor man's Matchbox 20...better yet go track down Matchbox 20. If we're going to listen to a pop-rock band writing songs for 14 year old girls we might as well listen to a good one, right?

9:30 - Stevie Wonder introduces Paul Mccartney, which could be one of the more famous introducer/performer combo's of all time...and would have been relevant 30 years ago...The Grammy's: We're Constantly Confused About our Target Demographic, Only on CBS!

9:32 - While Sir Paul puts the crowd to sleep, wouldn't it be hilarious if Paul came out with an Adele like 21 album, only titled $48.6, complete with songs ripping his ex-wife for stealing half of his net worth? Has anyone pitched him this idea?

9:37 - Chris Brown wins best R&B with a decidedly un-R&B song. This has me confused. He thanks God first and foremost...God hates you Breezy. Go away and don't ever come back. 

9:42 - Does anyone not like Taylor Swift? She's like the nicest person on the planet. I can't fathom who would have been mean enough to her that she'd have to write a song like "Mean" but I assume it was Chris Brown. 

9:50 - NPH sighting! He's presenting song of the year...to Adele (snooze).  Speaking of Adele though, does her current boyfriend realize what's going on here? Is he aware that she's just using him for future material, that they're going to breakup, he's going to be the bad guy, and she's going to sell multiple millions of albums based on some tedious fight they had because frankly, she's  got nothing else to sing about. 

9:56 - Collectively Katy Perry, Laddy Gaga, and Nicki Minaj are keeping the latex industry solvent. It's impressive and convenient, because I assume backstage or after hours, whoever they hook up with doesn't even have to bring a condom. Their outfits do the trick just fine. 

10:00 - Best Country Album - Lady Antebellum. They're introduced with one of their songs playing in the background that I know for a fact I heard at least 2 and a half years ago...I'm fairly certain they won for this exact album last year as best new artist...why does the Grammy's allow this? 

I'll say this about the Country music contingent, they're the only genre that doesn't have artists who dress like dickheads.

10:05 - Adele performs...She's really good, there's no denying that, but enough is enough already. I want to like you Adele, I really do. And it's not your fault, it's just that I haven't gotten in my car in the last year without hearing one of your two songs...which is more of a feat than you realize because I have a one mile commute...that's a 5 minute window, in which, for the last 365 days I've heard you voice bellowing to me. I'm sick of you. It's not your fault...But again, that said, she's really really good. 

10:17 - This thing goes 3 hours? Fuck me. Should have looked at the guide first I guess. I can tell you now I'm not going to spell check a word of this blog, its far too long.  Also, this is the Country Music Awards portion of the show apparently, with a country medley performing on stage. 

If Country is going to insist on going mainstream and becoming a part of the Grammy's they should have to give up 2 or 3 of their other handful of award shows they put on for themselves. Time to end the circle jerk guys, you're winning real awards, you don't need all the Country only celebrations to make yourselves feel better about  your lesser variety of music anymore. 

10:32 - Carrie Underwood and Tony Bennett perform, which is a really, really odd pairing. Also, Carrie is depriving the world of the sight of her traditionally glistening legs. The cocoa butter industry is now in ruins. 

10:34 - Something called a "Bon Iver" just won best new artist. And possibly declined the award in his acceptance speech, I couldn't tell, but it definitely sounded like he didn't want the award. It was uncomfortable and I get the feeling that he'd rather be in some basement bar working on slam poetry than winning Grammy's. He did say "sweet hookup" during his speech though, and I would have killed for the cameras to pan to Tony Bennett at that moment...The look on his face while he tried to figure out what sweet hookup meant would have been priceless. 

10:46 - Great job by Jennifer Hudson. Can't imagine man people lining up for that responsibility, and she handled it very well...During the whole montage I couldn't help but find myself wondering how things would have turned out if Nick Cannon had hooked up with Whitney and became her rock, instead of Mariah's...We'd be doing a tribute to the musical accompaniment of "Always be My Baby," right? 

10:59 - Something called Dead Mouse (something like that) just performed and confirmed the following: The Grammy's are not a Dub Step crowd...no one in the audience knew what to do...poor dead mouse. 

11:01 - I'm tired, we're 3 hours in, and Adele is going to win the next two awards, plus this thing is going to take a year to edit, I'm out folks, its been real. One final thought, I think the reason I hate the Grammy's so much is they take themselves way too seriously, way to much history, way too much self importance. All the other award shows (ESPYs, Oscars, Globes, etc...) hire comedians to be the hosts and spend most of the night making light of themselves...not the Grammy's. We have to basically pause reality on Grammy night and pretend music makes the world goes round...it doesn't. Lighten up guys, this is supposed to be a fun, entertaining night. 

11:05 - WHOA! I almost left before this? What the fuck is Nicki Minaj doing? And how are the camera's not panning to Lady Gaga for her reaction...This is by far the silliest thing I've ever seen, and it doesn't help that I haven't understood a word of what Nicki is saying, not a word. I'm really conflicted on what to think here, on the one hand this is just plain awful, on the other my conscience is nagging me wondering if I'm just being racist...Gaga has had some pretty fucked performances, but I've usually found them somewhat entertaining...This Minaj performance is either career ending bad, or I have some deep seeded issues...but I'm going to go with career ending bad.