What's Going On With Jessica Simpson?

Jessica Simpson: The Life Blood of the Moo-Moo Industry

For real, what is going on here? I wrote a completely non-pc blog about Jessica back on November 2nd back when Jessica not only looked like she was pregnant, she also looked like she was beefing up for a shot at the NFL combine as a combo linebacker/defensive end...Now? Well dreams of the NFL are gone, I'll tell ya that much...Pretty sure they don't make shoulder pads to cover those two melons, which is a shame because she'd probably be more dominant than Vince Wilfork with that size.

But more to the point, November 2nd was 4 MONTHS AGO! So again, what is going on here? Is Jessica in some sort of perma-pregnant state? Was she really that fat at like 4 and a half months? I have so many questions...Will she ever be fit again? Are those heals scientifically engineered? Is her assistant just sewing her bed sheet in the back when she gets up in the morning and sending her on her way? Did they make that suede purse out of her own hide? 

If we go another month without that baby popping out we're going to need to launch a full scale investigation.

Snooki Is Pregnant...The Mayans Were Right

She's gonna be a great Mom, I can feel it.

Fox News - Polizzi, 24, is carrying her first child by her boyfriend Jionni LaValle, and is roughly three months along, sources told the New York Post. Sources said the reality star, who denied being pregnant earlier this month, has already brokered a deal to announce the news on the cover of Us Weekly after she shopped the story to several celebrity magazines. But sources tell Page Six that MTV is worried about how to manage the news, given that Polizzi's hard-partying, booze-swilling ways have just been turned into a "Jersey Shore" spinoff with Jenni "J-WOWW" Farley, which has begun shooting in New Jersey. "MTV went into crisis mode after they found out," a source said. "They're trying to hide it because it would greatly affect the creative direction of the show." The untitled new show has just begun taping and focuses on the ladies' relationship as friends and roommates -- and whatever adventures come their way.

Is there still room in that doomsday shelter thing in Nebraska for a few more reservations? I'll pack my bags right now. 

MTV, how could you be so irresponsible? Seriously, you have two jobs, and two jobs only. One, document the downfall of society through such television shows as The Real World, Jersey Shore, and the Teen Mom franchise, and two...ensure all subjects are either sterilized or using some form of pharmaceutical contraception as to not further corrode our once great society. This is on your hands guys. 

PS: Thoughts on the name of this child? Maybe a tribute to a couple of her roommates? J-Woww "Meatball" Polizzi?  

And double PS: Between Jionni and his Napoleon like stature, and the fact that Snooki is a sausage finger away from legally being a midget, this kid might have a chance at the record books for shortest human ever.

Jessica Simpson May be Pregnant, But She's Also Hell-a Fat

Boston Herald - Pop singer Jessica Simpson yesterday confirmed the world’s worst-kept secret: She and Needham homey Eric Johnson are having a baby. “It’s True! I am going to be a mummy!” the 31-year-old said in a statement posted on her website yesterday alongside a photo of her in her Halloween costume — a mummy — cradling her tummy. The confirmation came after weeks of speculation about the singer, who had been seen in scores of paparazzi shots with what appeared to be an ever-expanding baby bump.

I'm not sure what the rules are about calling pregnant lady fat, but Jessica Simpson is FAT.  I mean, yea there might be a baby in there somewhere, but it sort of looks like there's a couple honey-hams and a Christmas Turkey too. Look at her! She's built like a brick shit house...you can't tell which one of them used to play in the NFL and which one was a pop star, they've got the same physique!

I'll be honest, this is the first time I looked into this story, like for 2 weeks Jess had been all coy about whether or  not she was pregnant, hinting at it but not fully confirming, and all the while I was a bit puzzled about how there could be any confusion, like you know when a woman is pregnant, she sprouts a beach ball under her shirt...but now I get it, I understand the confusion. She looks like a frigen long haul trucker who's been eating at roadside diners for 15 years, just pounding cheese steaks and fries all day. Plus, now that she's apparently wearing moo-moo's in public  you really can't tell if its a baby bump or just her natural gut. 

PS: How the hell do her legs work? What in gods name is up with those cartoon like sticks that are improbably holding up her girth? Can we get some physicists to explain how that's happening?