What's Going On With Jessica Simpson?

Jessica Simpson: The Life Blood of the Moo-Moo Industry

For real, what is going on here? I wrote a completely non-pc blog about Jessica back on November 2nd back when Jessica not only looked like she was pregnant, she also looked like she was beefing up for a shot at the NFL combine as a combo linebacker/defensive end...Now? Well dreams of the NFL are gone, I'll tell ya that much...Pretty sure they don't make shoulder pads to cover those two melons, which is a shame because she'd probably be more dominant than Vince Wilfork with that size.

But more to the point, November 2nd was 4 MONTHS AGO! So again, what is going on here? Is Jessica in some sort of perma-pregnant state? Was she really that fat at like 4 and a half months? I have so many questions...Will she ever be fit again? Are those heals scientifically engineered? Is her assistant just sewing her bed sheet in the back when she gets up in the morning and sending her on her way? Did they make that suede purse out of her own hide? 

If we go another month without that baby popping out we're going to need to launch a full scale investigation.

A Minor Miracle: Boston Fans Almost Unanimously Agree It Was time For Albert Haynesworth to Go

Ladies and Gentelmen, Alberts 2011 Patriots Highlights: That one time he was on the field.

Boston - The Grand Experiment is over, having lasted 102 days. That’s 30 days longer than the Kim Kardashian-Kris Humphries marriage, for those of you scoring at home. Coach Bill may or may not be familiar with the Kardashian clan, but he is familiar with the National Football League, and what he did by trying to extract Albert Haynesworth’s legendary raw talent on behalf of the New England Patriots was a reasonable gamble. Coach Bill gave the Washington Redskins a fifth-round draft pick, and he did not take on a great deal of salary. If it worked out, great, the Patriots had stolen one. And if it didn’t, it was pretty much going to be no harm, no foul. The option was always there to dump Mr. Haynesworth if things did not work out. And so they have.

3 Total Tackles, 0 Sacks, 0 Impact.

As a defensive lineman you can almost just fall forward 3 or 4 times a game and get credited with an assist on a tackle, that's how damning Fat Albert's season stat line is.

Sick career Albert, time to call it a wrap though, because you’ve just pulled off the impossible, you just got every single Pats fan on the same page, a feat that in all my time, has never happened before for Boston sports fans of any of our beloved teams.

Simply put, we like to argue, and we’ll argue about anything and everything sports related. You don’t support not one, but two of the top sports radio stations in the country without an irrationally argumentative fan base, however the decision to cut your fat ass yesterday put all that to rest, because I didn’t hear a single person lament the decision, not one upset about Belichick giving up a 5th round pick, not even the bloviating hosts of the radio stations who are paid to stir the muck could get an argument going. I couldn't get simple banter in the office, everyone I talked to had the same "yea it was about time" feeling. Even my legendary e-mail chain partners had nothing to add, we relayed the news and then moved on...that's never happened in the history of the e-mail chain.

For once, it was peaceful in the Boston sports world. That’s your legacy Albert. A man who sucked so bad, and was so useless, that you got everyone to band together and say, "meh, its probably a good thing, he wasn’t that good." Sick career Albert, and thanks for the memories.

Jessica Simpson May be Pregnant, But She's Also Hell-a Fat

Boston Herald - Pop singer Jessica Simpson yesterday confirmed the world’s worst-kept secret: She and Needham homey Eric Johnson are having a baby. “It’s True! I am going to be a mummy!” the 31-year-old said in a statement posted on her website yesterday alongside a photo of her in her Halloween costume — a mummy — cradling her tummy. The confirmation came after weeks of speculation about the singer, who had been seen in scores of paparazzi shots with what appeared to be an ever-expanding baby bump.

I'm not sure what the rules are about calling pregnant lady fat, but Jessica Simpson is FAT.  I mean, yea there might be a baby in there somewhere, but it sort of looks like there's a couple honey-hams and a Christmas Turkey too. Look at her! She's built like a brick shit house...you can't tell which one of them used to play in the NFL and which one was a pop star, they've got the same physique!

I'll be honest, this is the first time I looked into this story, like for 2 weeks Jess had been all coy about whether or  not she was pregnant, hinting at it but not fully confirming, and all the while I was a bit puzzled about how there could be any confusion, like you know when a woman is pregnant, she sprouts a beach ball under her shirt...but now I get it, I understand the confusion. She looks like a frigen long haul trucker who's been eating at roadside diners for 15 years, just pounding cheese steaks and fries all day. Plus, now that she's apparently wearing moo-moo's in public  you really can't tell if its a baby bump or just her natural gut. 

PS: How the hell do her legs work? What in gods name is up with those cartoon like sticks that are improbably holding up her girth? Can we get some physicists to explain how that's happening?