After A Day of Procrastination: My 2012 Grammy's Running Diary: Whitney Died

CW Note: Yes it's a day late, it's not my fault the Grammy's are a DECADE long. Filled 6 pages of notes watching the show, you know how long that takes to edit down? 

Welcome to the 2012 Grammy's! This is my second stab at a running diary, though my first where I actually keep a running diary (as opposed to recreating it in my head because I'm pretty sure writing feverishly at the poker table would have been frowned upon.  I'm joining the telecast a few minutes early to catch the wrap-up commentary on the red carpet, here we go:

7:54 - Giuliana Rancic sighting - Does anyone else find it kind of odd that the E! reporters at these shows are now more famous than half the people they introduce? I could give you the run down on every E! fashion reporter here but I'm in no way able to distinguish one country act from another. 

7:56 - Giuliana, Kelly Osbourne, and some Dainty Guy wrap up their fashion discussion by talking about how beautiful Adele looks...I'm sorry, why are we at a point where everyone's afraid to say anything but Adele is beautiful? Like, I'm not asking you to stand there and rip her, say she's ugly, say the black dress shows no lines, shape, or shadows and all in all just looks like a black blob, that would be rude. I'm just saying we don't have to pretend she's beautiful either. It's almost as if by not commenting that they think she's beautiful someone would infer they're saying she's fat. It's insanity. 

8:00 - Bruce opens the show, professional and safe as ever. I don't know why, but seeing Stevie Van Zant lean in and spit on him while they holler into the same microphone just doesn't get old for me. Decent performance, nothing special, thought I didn't really expect it, at this age I just don't think Bruce and the gang can throw down a classic Rosalita without first consulting a full team of AARP approved medical professionals to ensure their well-being. 

8:05 - LL Cool J introduced as host...My reaction: "they couldn't find anyone famous or cool?" LL immediately proves my point by pretending to be an ultra smooth preacher with street cred. It fails miserably. We get the standard Whitney monologue followed by being asked to bow our heads in prayer...this was my favorite part because the camera panned the audience and you could see a few members visibly rolling their eyes at the suggestion...good times.

 

8:10 - Bruno Mars - CW Reaction: "Fuck me." I just don't like the guy. I just want him to shave his head and get by without this ridiculous gimmick. NONE OF YOUR SONGS ARE MO-TOWNISH, YOUR HAIR SHOULDN'T BE EITHER. That said his performance wasn't bad, it hurts me to write that. 

8:16 - Adele wins her first award of the night, I think it was for something like "original song for most obvious odds on favorite to win a grammy  in history," or something. We figured out back in April or May that Adele was going to sweep the Grammy's, I kinda wish they just opened with her standing behind a banquet table with all the hardware she's taking home tonight, give her her proper due, let her sing one of her vengeful/depressing songs, and then we could get on with the non-Adele Grammy's.

8:20 - Alicia Keys and Some Red Headed Country Women that isn't Reeba perform. It was odd. 

8:25 - Chris Brown, seriously, what the fuck? I thought this was a celebration of singing, shouldn't he be hosting Dance 360 by now? Everyone knows he can't sing, right? And the producers of the show remember when he beat the piss out of Rihanna, right? That still happened. 

8:35 - Best Rap Song Goes To: 'Ye and Jay...They're not here to accept their award, they're presumably off doing N***ga things in Paris (I hope that's not too much, it sounded funny in my head, I'm going with it). This does rob us of a chance to see 'Ye rush his own award acceptance speech claiming something from his MBDTF album should have beat out his and Jay's collaboration, alas...

8:36 - Reeba! The other red headed country girl I don't really give a shit about...While she's babbling on about some historical thing or another in song writing I realize partially why I dislike the Grammy's so much...Way too many history lessons. Listen, I'm sure Muddy Waters, Lou Reed, and the whole gang were great, but most of us just don't care at this point. 

8:38 - Kelly Clarkson in a country duet...Looking skinnier than Adele! So she's got that going for her. Side note, I hate country, but I secretly love these pop'ish country duets. They get me every time, by the end of the song I always end up rooting for the two crazy kids to make it. I'm a bit of a sap.

8:40 On a country related note, wouldn't it be hilarious if Lady Gaga won Country Song of the year for You and I? She kinda deserves it, it was a good song. 

My fiancee's reaction:   "No that wouldn't be funny, she's awful." 

"Wait, what are you doing? Is this going in the blog?"

Yes it is, and after learning that she asked me to stress that she only thinks Gaga is awful as a country singer, not as an individual...I'm pretty sure that would be the exact reaction from Miranda Lambert if she were to win. 

8:49 - The Lone Defenders against the Foo perform...it's kind of become obligatory lately since they're like the only true rock band at this point. Every other band has a twist, metal, death metal, alternative, electro-rock, fingerbang rock, and my least favorite kind, Nickelback.  I wonder how the Foo Fighters feel about all this? On the one hand the exposure they get has got to be awesome for them, on the other it has to feel kind of patronizing since they're only performing because they're the only option.

8:51 - I openly wonder what all the people inside the Grammy's are actually doing right now...This song is being performed in a tent outside, meanwhile no camera cuts to the crowd inside. What is going on in there? Does Gaga come out of character during commercial breaks? Do Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift small talk? I need to know.

8:57 - Rihanna's unending quest to attain a "featuring" credit in every modern musical act continues with Cold Play. 

9:00 - Just realized what makes Hopeless Place so catchy...It's all hook. There are no verses, it's just a repetitive chorus over and over...Also, judging by her hair I'd say she's doing some sort of Courtney Love Tribute, which leads to this exchange:

CW: Is Courtney Love dead?

Fiancee: Probably

CW: I feel like she died this year but it wasn't a big deal...Nope, Wikipedia confirmed she's alive

So it's like a pre-emptive tribute, the most thoughtful kind. 

9:03 - I've never given Cold Play any credit...probably because I always assumed they'd be as good as The Verve, but never were. 

9:10 - We're over 2 hours in and we've seen two awards...I hate the Grammys. 

9:15 - Fucking Giants...Can't even watch the Grammy's without Super Bowl reminders...on the bright side they are finally presenting another award, best Rock Album or song or something...either way the Foo Fighters won, obviously. They beat out the exceedingly sappy Cold Play, A Mumford Sons song that came out two years ago but they decided to lump into the Grammys this year, and a couple of bands that frankly, were just happy to be there. The Foo Fighters; Winning by Default since 2004!

9:16 - Is Stevie Van Zandt, who played Silvio Dante in the Soprano's, married in real life to his character wife from the show? (quick IMDB search) Yep She Is! I knew that show was real life. Greatest reality show ever. 

9:17 - Ryan Seacrest's hair looks phenomenal...That is all.

9:18 - The Beach Boys are performing with Maroon Five, who are trying way too hard to seem cool right now.  Adam Levine: Overexposed. Go back to being a poor man's Matchbox 20...better yet go track down Matchbox 20. If we're going to listen to a pop-rock band writing songs for 14 year old girls we might as well listen to a good one, right?

9:30 - Stevie Wonder introduces Paul Mccartney, which could be one of the more famous introducer/performer combo's of all time...and would have been relevant 30 years ago...The Grammy's: We're Constantly Confused About our Target Demographic, Only on CBS!

9:32 - While Sir Paul puts the crowd to sleep, wouldn't it be hilarious if Paul came out with an Adele like 21 album, only titled $48.6, complete with songs ripping his ex-wife for stealing half of his net worth? Has anyone pitched him this idea?

9:37 - Chris Brown wins best R&B with a decidedly un-R&B song. This has me confused. He thanks God first and foremost...God hates you Breezy. Go away and don't ever come back. 

9:42 - Does anyone not like Taylor Swift? She's like the nicest person on the planet. I can't fathom who would have been mean enough to her that she'd have to write a song like "Mean" but I assume it was Chris Brown. 

9:50 - NPH sighting! He's presenting song of the year...to Adele (snooze).  Speaking of Adele though, does her current boyfriend realize what's going on here? Is he aware that she's just using him for future material, that they're going to breakup, he's going to be the bad guy, and she's going to sell multiple millions of albums based on some tedious fight they had because frankly, she's  got nothing else to sing about. 

9:56 - Collectively Katy Perry, Laddy Gaga, and Nicki Minaj are keeping the latex industry solvent. It's impressive and convenient, because I assume backstage or after hours, whoever they hook up with doesn't even have to bring a condom. Their outfits do the trick just fine. 

10:00 - Best Country Album - Lady Antebellum. They're introduced with one of their songs playing in the background that I know for a fact I heard at least 2 and a half years ago...I'm fairly certain they won for this exact album last year as best new artist...why does the Grammy's allow this? 

I'll say this about the Country music contingent, they're the only genre that doesn't have artists who dress like dickheads.

10:05 - Adele performs...She's really good, there's no denying that, but enough is enough already. I want to like you Adele, I really do. And it's not your fault, it's just that I haven't gotten in my car in the last year without hearing one of your two songs...which is more of a feat than you realize because I have a one mile commute...that's a 5 minute window, in which, for the last 365 days I've heard you voice bellowing to me. I'm sick of you. It's not your fault...But again, that said, she's really really good. 

10:17 - This thing goes 3 hours? Fuck me. Should have looked at the guide first I guess. I can tell you now I'm not going to spell check a word of this blog, its far too long.  Also, this is the Country Music Awards portion of the show apparently, with a country medley performing on stage. 

If Country is going to insist on going mainstream and becoming a part of the Grammy's they should have to give up 2 or 3 of their other handful of award shows they put on for themselves. Time to end the circle jerk guys, you're winning real awards, you don't need all the Country only celebrations to make yourselves feel better about  your lesser variety of music anymore. 

10:32 - Carrie Underwood and Tony Bennett perform, which is a really, really odd pairing. Also, Carrie is depriving the world of the sight of her traditionally glistening legs. The cocoa butter industry is now in ruins. 

10:34 - Something called a "Bon Iver" just won best new artist. And possibly declined the award in his acceptance speech, I couldn't tell, but it definitely sounded like he didn't want the award. It was uncomfortable and I get the feeling that he'd rather be in some basement bar working on slam poetry than winning Grammy's. He did say "sweet hookup" during his speech though, and I would have killed for the cameras to pan to Tony Bennett at that moment...The look on his face while he tried to figure out what sweet hookup meant would have been priceless. 

10:46 - Great job by Jennifer Hudson. Can't imagine man people lining up for that responsibility, and she handled it very well...During the whole montage I couldn't help but find myself wondering how things would have turned out if Nick Cannon had hooked up with Whitney and became her rock, instead of Mariah's...We'd be doing a tribute to the musical accompaniment of "Always be My Baby," right? 

10:59 - Something called Dead Mouse (something like that) just performed and confirmed the following: The Grammy's are not a Dub Step crowd...no one in the audience knew what to do...poor dead mouse. 

11:01 - I'm tired, we're 3 hours in, and Adele is going to win the next two awards, plus this thing is going to take a year to edit, I'm out folks, its been real. One final thought, I think the reason I hate the Grammy's so much is they take themselves way too seriously, way to much history, way too much self importance. All the other award shows (ESPYs, Oscars, Globes, etc...) hire comedians to be the hosts and spend most of the night making light of themselves...not the Grammy's. We have to basically pause reality on Grammy night and pretend music makes the world goes round...it doesn't. Lighten up guys, this is supposed to be a fun, entertaining night. 

11:05 - WHOA! I almost left before this? What the fuck is Nicki Minaj doing? And how are the camera's not panning to Lady Gaga for her reaction...This is by far the silliest thing I've ever seen, and it doesn't help that I haven't understood a word of what Nicki is saying, not a word. I'm really conflicted on what to think here, on the one hand this is just plain awful, on the other my conscience is nagging me wondering if I'm just being racist...Gaga has had some pretty fucked performances, but I've usually found them somewhat entertaining...This Minaj performance is either career ending bad, or I have some deep seeded issues...but I'm going to go with career ending bad.

 

Foxwoods Running Diary

3 weeks ago: The group e-mail….Ughh. Nothing has cemented the fact that we’re adults and quickly going over the hill more than the fact that we had to plan out a guys day involving a two hour trip, 3 weeks in advance…in fact nothing makes me feel older and less cool than just saying guys day, but that’s just where we’re at I guess. Between the self realization of where I’m at in life and the genuine excitement about the upcoming trip I don’t think I could have experienced more highs and lows in a single e-mail chain…The e-mail chain also gave us this beauty of a quote, after discussing the prices of the rooms (which are outlandish):

Do the Native Americans running Foxwoods have any idea what the hotel prices are in the rest of the world? Vegas isn't that expensive and that’s in the middle of a major city. Foxwoods is in the middle of a depressing reservation.

HA! This is going to be hilarious.

This past Friday night: “Hun I need to go to bed early, I’m leaving for Foxwoods in the morning.” Jesus Christ, CW. What the hell is wrong with you? Ok, truth be told, we were leaving at an hour earlier than I actually get up for work during the week, but still, I’m just embarrassed for myself.

Saturday Morning: Alarm set for 7 am, woke up at 6 to take a nervous/anxious shit, never got back to sleep. I was like a kid on Christmas whose parents told him he couldn’t get out of bed until the whole house was ready to get up. A couple of the guys arrive for the carpool and we all openly wonder why we’re heading down so early. Good question.

8 AM: We pick up one more member of the traveling band of 20something heading on 40 year olds, and we’re on our way…After a quick trip to Dunkin, of course, because lets face it, America Runs on Dunkin (good enough for a sponsorship? No, ok, moving on). About 15 minutes down the road we get a text from the final member of our party, he’s already at Foxwoods. We all joke about how quickly he’ll lose his money waiting for us…30 minutes later we have our answer.

10 AM: We arrive. Though it wasn’t on purpose, this was totally perfect because that’s when Foxwoods starts serving alcohol. I know what you’re thinking, what kind of degenerates are these guys? Relax, we got our vitamin C too, the first few rounds were Screw Drivers and Vodka Crans…we’re not animals. Also, this after hearing Adele come over the speakers, "She just bellows...I liked her til I saw her." It's so true.

10:45 AM: WE’RE ALL LOSING. Already…Check-in to the hotel isn’t even until 3PM, yet we’re all openly discussing whether or not it’s too late to cancel the reservations and just go home later in the afternoon. This is bad. Again, why the hell did we get here so early? We’re staying the whole night, was there any need for me to be washing down breakfast with Screw Drivers while watching some smug faced Asian lady just utterly dominate us at blackjack?

11:15 AM: The group disbands, a few go to grind it out in poker, myself and another take a walk in hopes of slowing our losses…I also debate calling my bank to raise my daily ATM limit, ugh. After circling a few games my friend takes a seat…At the Monopoly themed slot machine…Which…Was…AWESOME! Sure we had no idea why we won or lost on any given spin, all we cared about was riding around the board game, going from train station to train station and trying to hit boardwalk…One side note, they don’t pay you when you pass go, which seems a bit sacreligios.

12:30 PM: I register for a poker tournament…I gave up poker about 4 years ago, just wasn’t exciting enough for me…If I’m going to lose my money I want it to be fast and vicious, that’s why I play BlackJack and Roulette. Today, however, I’ve decided if I’m going to stem the losses and make it through the afternoon I may need a slower paced game, so I sign up. Me against 120 others, I figure I’ll last a couple of hours at which point it’ll be lunch time and almost time to check in.

1:05 PM: Pocket Aces baby! I just doubled up...I completely forgot about the rush of pocket aces.

1:07 PM: Pocket ACES AGAIN! I just doubled up…again. Twice in two hands. The rest of the table straight up hates my guts…the guy I just knocked out made fun of my haircut, which would under normal circumstances bother me, but he was a bald-o so I’m sensing jealousy. I’m now in it to win it, which is astounding because, again, I haven’t played poker in at least 4 years.

3:00 PM: Just had a hilarious exchange with some degenerate poker player next to me, he clearly spends his days in the poker room, he was waxing poetic about what a cruel game “she is” and commiserating with me on the various odds of what we just witnessed happening…Apparently because I have a large amount of chips in front of me and am for the most part stone faced, preferring to pay more attention to the 6 or 7 drinks I’ve accumulated than my opponenents, people have begun to revere and respect me. They have no idea that I’ve long since forgotten about calculating odds…I’m just playing by feel and whatever spur of the moment bets come into my head… if they only knew.

4:00 PM: Made it to the final table…this is hilarious. I clearly suck, but I don’t think they’re on to me yet…I just bet less than the minimum, had to be corrected by the dealer, and my opponent still folded. When will my charade end? Side note, there’s a guy wearing a San Francisco 49ers at, and a graphic T-shirt starring Yoda, they complement each other as well as you’d think…these types of people litter Foxwoods, or as one friend put it, “Foxwoods is just full of New Hampshire type people.”

4:30 PM: I’m all in…and Lose. 6th place, it was a great run and a nice payout, I’m now winning for the day, which is a minor miracle.

5:00 PM: I eat for the first time today...8 or 9 drinks in and I’m subsisting off an egg sandwich and a slice of pizza for the day. I have no idea why the normal rules of nutrition and digestion cease to exist when in casino’s but I feel like a million bucks.

5:45 PM: We watch a couple of our friends depressingly grind it out at a poker table…I mean depressingly. The mood in the Foxwoods pokerroom is always somewhere between a funeral and a doctors office where you’re waiting for your possibly life altering diagnosis. It’s just a weird place. No one is happy, even when you’re winning. They really need to do something about that…It could be because you feel like you’re sitting in a basement with low ceilings and no natural light…and that’s because that’s exactly where you are sitting, in the basement of Foxwoods.

6:30 PM: We head out in search of Bowling and get wait listed. We go to wait in some ultra-swanky lounge, real high class shit, and surprisingly I’m not asked to change my shirt…I forgot to mention, I’ve been wearing an official “I Love The Alt-Tab” shirt all day. No one has asked what it means, which is almost as depressing as the fact that I’m still the only one to have purchased one of these beauty’s. Anyway, the hostess must assume it’s some kind of hipster cool shirt you’d buy in Urban Outfitters, it’s the only possible explanation.

8:00 PM: We’re on fire at the bowling alley. I’m fairly certain our threesome would take down any other group out there…Also, the bowling alley just parlayed Puddle of Mud into MmmBoppp…Where the fuck am I?

9:00 PM: After thoroughly dominating the lanes we decide to kill a half hour playing…The boxing arcade game that measures the impact of your punch! Ok, I’m a bit relieved, maybe we’re not as over the hill as I previously thought. We’re still fairly childish.

10:00 PM: We head to the room to commiserate on our days wins and losses and get ready to go out for the night.

10:30 PM: We’re waiting in line at some club that the likes of Deena and Snooky surely inhabit. There is an old man in line (Like 60 years old or so) eating ice cream and looking all the girls up and down. Again he’s in line. He has no intentions of entering, he just figures it’s a great front row seat. He’s a bit creepy, but hey, you have to respect his honesty.

11:00 PM : Standard $40 round…My friends and I are now openly debating whether or not a couple of females that are seemingly doing laps are real life prostitutes or just hooking for beer, I say there’s not much of a difference. There is a liberal amount of animal print outfits in here…It looks like the Jersey Shore threw up.

12:15 AM: One of the guys just uttered this gem of a quote: “I gotta go, I need to go play war.” I’m still chuckling.

12:30 AM: I just ordered a bottle of water at the bar, that’s my cue to go. I leave in search of my War playing friend. I find him at the most depressing table imagineable. Just four down on their luck guys, all betting on whether their card will be higher than the dealers. There is 0 excitement. I tell my friend I’m taking a lap in search of a cheap Blackjack table, when I return 3 minutes later, he’s already gone. When I finally find him he tells me he went all in and lost…I just can’t. I don’t know whether to laugh or console him on his loss, but I’m definitely closer to laughing, because it was War.

12:45 AM: I try to convince him to accompany me back on the 15 minute walk from MGM to Foxwoods (why don’t they have more moving sidewalk in that goddamn corridor?), he passes. I spend an unusual amount of time just staring at the escalator trying to decide if its worth the journey. My friend apparently sees this and finds it hilarious.

1:00 AM: I’ve made it, and no, there aren’t any cheap blackjack tables left. I now have to walk all the way back. I stop for pizza on the way to break up the trip…consumption totals for the day are something like 20 or so drinks, two slices of pizza, and an egg sandwich…I’m really taking stock of my decision making.

1:30 AM: I make it back to the room. The others soon follow. My War playing friend lets out another beauty: “On my last hand of war, when I was on tilt…” No one has ever uttered that sentence before in their lives. Another friend just got cleaned out in roulette, which sucks, but was hilarious for all of us. Apparently he thought he was playing at the $5 dollar table, only to realize after a few bets that it was the $25 minimum table, to which he uttered: “Why didn’t they stop me?” Which was also hilarious, because casino’s so often have a habit of stopping people from making bets beyond their financial means…I’m starting to think it’s a good thing I wasn’t able to find a cheap Blackjack table…everyone that gambled after 12 AM lost.

2:15 AM: After some hilarious stories and jokes which remind me why we bother to take these trips (it’s certainly not for the money) my friend builds a fort on the floor as his bed…because there’s five of us in one room…Yea, we’re not quite over the hill yet, not many 40 year olds splitting a room 5 ways.

10:00 AM: We depart to the motto of the trip, and, if the marketing people at Foxwoods had any brains, what should be the Foxwoods slogan: “Easiest Drive Down, Worst Drive Back.” Yup.

Running Diary: Patriots vs. Cowboys 2nd Half

Yes, foreshadowing is STILL fun

Part 2: Patriots vs. Cowboys Running Diary Second Half

3^rd Quarter

15:00 Annnnnddd we are back everybody. Pats begin the half with an uncomfortable 13-3 lead, even though I feel like it should be bigger, given the miscues. Also I’m trying, to no avail, to convince myself that I shouldn’t be scared of the Cowboys, but I am. They’re bound to discover our defense sucks at some point.

-Just noticed we have the OTHER Gronkowski brother back again. Jesus, this guy is like a revolving door for our third tight end spot. Can’t we just keep him based on the awesome-ness of having 66 % of the Gronkowski brothers, regardless of whether or not he’s good?

15:00-12:20- Promising first set of downs leads to a rapid case of football blue balls on the second set. A little foreplay tease with three straight runs, the last a “Brady Special” for the first down. Then Brady can’t find a receiver, Matt Light gets toasted like a bagel on the outside for the 20485^th time in his career, allowing Brady to get sacked for the 3^rd time on the game (didn’t catch the Dallas player, I was too busy bitching about Matt Light.)

-A 3 man rush generates enough pressure to make the Pats throw it away. I feel like little Malculay Kulkin in Home Alone when he finds the picture of Buzz’s girlfriend…”Guys that drive, WOOF.”

12:15-5:48- Dane Fletcher makes a GREAT special teams play, leveling the return guy before he had time to blink. This guy has looked good in limited reps dating back to last season, I don’t know why he doesn’t get more run than Rob Ninkovich as an LB, but hooded one knows best.

-Romo’s pass batted in the air at the line, and we get to see two 350lb+ guys playing coverage on each other as Wilfork goes for the pick while some huge dude on the Dallas O-line bats it away. Fat people make ordinary circumstances much funnier.

-After stuffing Tashard Choice again, Romo finally finds Witten in the middle of the field for a big chunk of yardage. Of course, Gary Guyton was clueless, as he realized he hadn’t yet exhausted his quota of mental fuck ups for the game and decided 3^rd down was an optimal chance to use another one. Literally let Witten run right by him without a second thought.

-Romo gets ridiculous protection and finds Miles Austin all the way to the N.E 19 yard line. The defense not nearly as feisty coming out for the second half as they were to start the game,

-This upper body tackling bullshit by our DB’s has to stop at some point. Chung had Demarco Murray lined up in the backfield for a loss, but instead of making a nice, fundamentally sound form tackle, he tried to drill him in the chest, getting burned and allowing Dallas to eat up more yards. Not enough Pepto Bismol in the world for the heartburn this defense gives me.

-In the goal to go situation, Dallas gives New England a MASSIVE break when Romo misses Murray on a swing pass where we probably would have scored, followed by an Andre Carter speed off the outside on Romo and drilling him in the (hopefully even more broken now) ribs for a 10 yard loss. A 3^rd down screen pass almost results in a “kick in the balls” touchdown as Choice weaved in and out of our unmotivated defenders to the 3 yard line. Christ. After all that time and anger, Dallas gets only a field goal to tie it at 13-13.

5:46-1:10 Pats get the ball on our own 15, and immediately try some sort of gimmick play to get Ochocinco involved. A cluster of 4 receivers sprinted out of the huddle to the right side, leaving Ochosinco on the left, Brady devliered, but Chad once again wasn’t on the right page as he was nowhere near the ball. Based on Brady’s furious body language, I’d say Chad didn’t run his route properly. I REALLY want to love Ochocinco, but he hasn’t been productive at all.

- A couple nice throws to Welker, followed by Gronk leads to a first, as well as a hurry up offense with a nice 9 yard run to BJGE. This variation in tempo’s is catching the Dallas D off balance and leading to some productive plays, very encouraging.

-After a couple more BJGE runs, another first down pass to Gronk, and more hurry up offense, Dallas wisely prepares for the quick run to BJGE and stuffs him for a 2 yard loss. Whelp, that experiment was fun while it lasted. Brady finds Herndo on third down, too bad it was well short of the first. No rhythm to our offense in the second half at all. Mesko to punt

-HAH, Dallas continues to commit unbelievably stupid penalties at a “Oakland Raiders-esque” level, with a “Running into the Kicker” call being made. Mesko embellished a little, but that’s what he’s supposed to do if he feels contact. A gift first down for the Patriots.

-Holy shit, a Danny Woodhead sighting with a run for 5 yards. This is shocking because a.) I thought he was still hurt and b.) he hasn’t factored into the offense at all due to the effectiveness of Herndo/Gronk and Welker/Branch so far this season. Good shit, right Miroki? (If you don’t get the movie reference, get the hell off this blog)

-Son of a bitch, Hernandez fumbles after a nice catch, recovered by Dallas with Welker making a huge heads up play to tackle him. Terrence Newman had a lot of green pasture ahead of him if he wasn’t brought down. On a slightly negative note, Hernandez’s hands are quickly becoming as slippery as the moves he has after the catch. He has a worrying propensity to carry the ball to far from his body or not secure the football quick enough, leading too fumbles or dropped catches. Insert profanity laced grumbling here.

-Dallas has the ball, runs it, going to the fourth quarter, still tied up 13-13

4^th Quarter

15:00-12:54- Romo begins the forth by going to Witten again. Good of Tony to finally realize “Hey, my favorite option is a nightmare matchup for these guys.” Wait, what the hell am I saying?!? FUCK YOU ROMO.

-Pats bring another blitz on 2^nd down, but Dallas picks it up as it has most of the game, and he shoots a pass to Miles Austin to the Patriots 45

-Back to Back blitzes, and the Cowboys give another early Christmas gift to the Patriots, as Austin drops an easily catchable ball. Those Ryan’s really have an affinity for feet huh? Rex gets off on them sexually, and Rob’s teams seem to enjoy repeatedly shooting themselves in the collective foot (yeah, I know Rob is the defensive coordinator, whatever, the joke was better this way.) Patriots ball off of the punt.

12:54-9:30 Patriots open up with an attempted screen pass that was incomplete, and run the hurry up once again, catching Dallas with 12 guys on the field. I feel like the biggest hypocrite, squealing with delight when the Patriots do this to get a cheap 5 yard penalty when I roared with anger every time the Colts did it to anyone else over the years. Oh well, hypocrite feeling gone, keep doing what you’re doing, Patriots.

-BJGE is getting some good lanes off of these quick snaps, with consecutive good runs chewing up 4 and 7 yards respectively. After a false start on the hometeam, the exotic species known as the Danny Woodhead gets blown up in the backfield for a loss.

-My god, Deion Branch is clutch. Snares a 3^rd down pass for a 1^st down. Guy can catch 10 for 120 and 2 TD’s one week, then be a ghost the following week until you finally need him, and more often than not he makes the play. Again, why did we ever part ways with his dreadlocked, sure-handed goodness?

-FUCKING DAMN IT, Brady pretends to be Aaron Rodgers, rolls out to his left, gets his arm hit on the release, and throws his second pick of the game. That was just an awful decision all around by Brady because even if he wasn’t hit on the play, everyone on that side of the field was covered anyways.

Note: My thoughts/scribbling from this point on were hectic/barely legible, owed to what was about to transpire. The page I’m reading from looks like a rabid raccoon dipped its paws in paint and did a figure skating routine on my notebook paper, with the occasional legible profanity.

9:00-5:14 Swing pass to Murray for 8 yards. Gotta say, the rookie out of Oklahoma has looked like a good change-of-pace back for Felix Jones/Tashard Choice.

-Holding call, which negates another Gary Guyton fuckup (missed a tackle on a runner in the backfield)

-You have got to be kidding me, 3^rd and 12, and Romo runs for 17 because no one decided to spy the QB. Why is he being smart all of a sudden? I hate him even more now.

-Terrible throw by Romo, almost picked off, Haynesworth (wow, he’s playing?) forces the issue

-More fodder for the “Devin McCourty is Regressing” argument, as he whiffs on a tackle on Laurent Robinson (who?) who runs for 34 yards down the sideline.

-Pass over the middle complete, and receiver somehow still alive even after Pat Chung made every attempt to murder him on the hit

-1^st and Goal-screen pass to the New England five, this is getting painful, as William Wallace would have said, HOLD!!!

-2^nd and Goal-pressure gets to Romo, forces an incompletion. Heart rate unhealthily high for a regular season game.

-3^rd and Goal-What the hell?? Terrible playcall by Dallas, inside shovel pass to an RB gets blown up by Spikes, settle for field goal again, but take the lead 16-13 Dallas.

5:14-3:46 Written at the top of notes prior to the drive, verbatim, is “Brady, work some of that clutch magic baby” Let’s see if he listens.

- Gronk screen for 9 yards, good start boys

-Running play cut down in the backfield, fuck me.

-AGHHH, pressure forces incompletion…we have to punt…and rely on our defense to make a stop…oh my god.

3:36-2:31 Spikes rips through the line, cuts down runner for 1 yard loss.

-Another run stopped for a 2 yard loss

-False start on Dallas, 3^rd and 18 coming up…and I’m still insanely nervous we can’t top them

-Run for 7 harmless yards, holy hell we stopped them…but what is up with the playcalling??? Three straight runs with a chance to put a dagger in our hearts? Whatever, thanks Dallas, we have one more chance at this bitch. Pats ball, all or nothing here

2:31 to end of game Blitz comes, Brady gets it away to Herndo for 16

-Brady CRUSHED, but somehow gets it to Gronk on sideline, clock stops

-Quick out to Welker for five yards, 2 minute warning.

-Another one to Welker for 5, 1^st down baby

-Dump off to Woodhood for 9, up to the Dallas 30, only down 3.

-Incompletion, another Brady Special for a first down

-Woodhood for 15 more on another underneath route, holy shit, visions of ‘03 patriots obscuring vision.

-Welker for 6, despite excellent coverage, holy balls. Timeout Pats, 27 seconds left in the game

-Brady hangs in pocket, good protecting, fires a missile to Herndo….FOR THE TOUCHDOWN, FUCK YES!!!!

-Dallas finished the game with a hopeless attempt at a hail mary.

Final Thoughts

-In the moment, I didn’t see how the touchdown play developed, but Gronk took the top off the coverage by running out while Herndo ran in, double coverage followed the wrong guy, Brady looked at Gronk, then fired to Herndo, who got sticky hands are the right moment.

-The defense, while stepping it up big time, is only partially responsible for this win. The Dallas play calling on their last two drives was pathetic. No looks downfield, ball completely out of Tony Romos hands, and it probably cost them the game. Seriously, their game plan in the last 6 minutes was more conservative than Rush Limbaugh.

-Unsung Hero-Vince Wilfork-on most occasions where the other D-lineman and linebackers could shoot the gaps and cause havoc, the big man in the middle was commanding double teams in the trenches while also causing a fumble. Continues to be one of the best players on the field despite not always getting the media blowjobs other players receive.

Running Diary: Patriots vs. Cowboys, Part 1

Foreshadowing is Always Fun

Hello everyone, my shameless and blatant rip off of Bill Simmons “Running Diary” concept is back for its NFL styled debut, featuring a potential shootout with the hometown New England Patriots against the underperforming yet dangerous Dallas Cowboys. As always, my notes/observations at a given point is what I was thinking in real time, with creative additions sprinkled in for entertainment purposes. Without further adieu, let’s get to it. (Note: The times posted are just my general estimate for what the game clock was)

Part ½: First Half

1^st Quarter

15:00 New England kicking off to Dallas, which is fine by me. Let Tony Romo take the field with a week full of criticism on his mind and no chance for the defense to take some of the pressure off of him.

12:15 Wow, as if on cue or the fact he just can’t help himself, Tony Romo overthrows his intended receiver and gets picked off by Kyle Arrington. Romo has the unique ability to throw off his back foot, yet still miss his target high by 10 feet. Most QB’s who do that get picked off by a DB jumping the route, so I guess sucking in a unique way is commendable, Tony.

10:15-9:01 After getting deep into Dallas territory, Patriots uncharacteristically stall out their drive on 2 incompletions, even though Brady could have walked into the endzone on 2^nd down (Dallas was in man coverage and NOBODY was looking back) followed by Demarcus Ware crushing Brady. Sigh. Gotskowski booms an easy one for 3-0 Pats lead.

8:36-7:20 To some degree, I understand the Cowboys conservative playcalling early. They want to get settled in and get Romo some confidence. But you have Jason Witten, Miles Austin, and Dez Bryant as weapons. Why all this underneath stuff/running plays? Whatever, I won’t complain.

-Kyle Love makes a great run stuff on 2^nd down, but Patriots get burned when they send the house on a blitz and Romo finds Bryant for a first down.

6:45-5:15- Run defense has been excellent so far. Even though a Demarco Murray run was negated by a hold, Brandon Spikes shot the gap and CRUSHED him. He has been stepping the fuck up the past few weeks. Guy plays with a tenacity and attitude we haven’t had since Rodney Harrison left. Throw in the fact he looks like (and treats other life forms with the vindictiveness of) a Predator and it’s doubly awesome.

-Also awesome is Romo getting a case of Happy Feet and getting sacked by Andre Carter on 3^rd down. Pats ball off a punt

4:53-3:56 Holy shit, that couldn’t have gone worse. Brady’s pass gets tipped at the line and the DB covering Branch intercepts it. Not sure is Brady’s delivery point is a tad low or defenses just know to get their hands up at this point, but a lot of passes being influenced at the line.

-Meanwhile, Chung kills Miles Austin for daring to come over the middle, and the Pats get REALLY lucky on an endzone play where McCourty interfered with the pass since he didn’t bother to look for the ball because a Dallas O-lineman got caught holding.

-Gerrard Warren smushes Tashard Choice into human paste on a rush, 4^th down field goal for Dallas. Tie game 3-3.

3:09-1:00 You have got to be FUCKING kidding me. Slater apparently decided it was his turn to get invited to the turnover party and fumbles despite a Dallas player barely caressing his arm carrying the ball. Sloppy execution by Pats early.

-Despite not blitzing/stacking the box the past 100 games, Bill clearly wants to pressure Romo because we’re showing and/or bringing heavy pressure frequently.

-VINCE WILFORK=turnover machine, gets his bear claw sized mitt on the ball and causes a fumble. Dallas apparently hates the hot potato( edit:football) as much as we do.

1:00-End 1^st- BJGE (don’t feel like writing his 432 letter name) is the anti-Lawrence Maroney and I love it. Dude finds the hole, hits it hard running North/South, and never fumbles. No dumbfuck tap dancing routine for 5 seconds before getting hit for a loss.

-What I don’t love is Dan Connolly completely whiffing on his block and letting Demarcus Ware destroy Brady for the second time in the game. I have to think the temptation to sacktap Connolly on the next down for Brady is overwhelming.

-Underwhelming is the score after 1 quarter, tied 3-3

2^nd Quarter

15:00-12:07- Brady slings it on a beautiful out pattern to Deion Branch while Gronk throws a massive lead block which gets him an extra 15 yards. God, why did we ever let Branch walk in 2006? Memories of Reche Caldwell/Doug Gabriel still haunt me.

-Brady TAKES OFF with his Usain Bolt like (edit: Sumo wrestler running through a tub of molasses wearing bricks as shoes) speed. Couldn’t help but be scared, 2008 makes me permanently paranoid whenever Brady leaves the pocket.

-Yet again, Patriots stall their drive with a stuffed run, then an untimely holding call on Solder. Very uncharacteristic, another field goal, 6-3 Patriots.

12:07-10:55- This section is sponsored by “Tony Romo’s massive suckage.” Pure gold for anyone not rooting for Dallas.

-After a quick first down, Tony throws an easy swing pass 10 feet behind the running back, then follows it up with a beautiful spiral…right into triple coverage. A shame it wasn’t picked off. Then again, our guys couldn’t have expected THAT bad of a throw.

-Romo, to his credit, improves drastically on third by completing a throw to a bare spot of grass. Good job Tony. Pats ball off the punt.

10:37-7:34 Since defenses have picked up on the Gronk seam route, the Gronk screen is a new weapon that works to great effect. Basically runs people over until 5 defenders converge and hogtie him down to the field.

-Brady works a beautiful hardcount exposing a Cowboys blitz, but someone fucking moves on the O-line. How his vocal chords are still functioning is beyond me, because he barks out plays louder than any QB I know.

-Hernandez and his slippery after the catch magic works two plays in a row. Elusive bastard, he is.

-Note to opposing defenses: On third and short with no one lined up over the center, Brady is running up the middle.

-Brady slings it out to Welker FOR A TD. Refs fuck up the call, but review corrects it. 13-3 Pats.

7:34-End of 2^nd Quarter- Dallas drive begins with ANOTHER fucking flag. Haven’t mentioned it, but the Refs are literally like a desperate puppy pining for attention this game. Making every effort to insert themselves by coating the field in yellow fabric to great anger on my part. Let the boys play, dickhead.

-OUCH, Dez Bryant finally breaks off a huge play, shattering Pat Chung’s ankles million tiny pieces on a juke, scampers for 45 yards.

-Swing pass to Tashard Choice who STEAMROLLS Kyle Arrington on a five yard game. That looked painful. Maybe the hit will finally teach our DB’s to stop arm tackling and go for guys legs once in a while.

-Jesus, another whiff by McCourty on a pass to Laurent Robinson for 50 yard gash. I know McCourty had an insane rookie year and to expect him to follow that success up was highly unlikely, but there have been times this year where he hasn’t just looked bad, he’s been really awful. I think, as a developing player, we should revert to giving him safety help over the top instead of isolating him like we did last season. But that’s just me.

-I didn’t know the Cowboys had a white tight end not named “Witten” but apparently they do, as he caught a pass to make it first and goal for Dallas. Our “Bend-don’t Break” approach is bending more than a circus contortionist on this drive.

-Well, there’s the “break” we were supposed to be avoiding, as Romo slings it to Witten for a touchdown. Damn it, who’s the imposter in the Romo jersey because he looked like a confident and competent quarterback. Not only did Dallas get back in the game on the scoreboard, but that drive ate up more than 7 minutes of clock, leaving the Pats with no time and basically just running out the clock. 13-10 Pats at the half. Basically, we are getting the close competitive game we expected, albeit with considerably less offense.

That’s it for Part 1, mainly since I don’t feel like writing anymore and your Generation Y ADHD is demanding you switch tasks at this point, so I’ll deliver Part 2: Second Half tomorrow.