Snooki Is Pregnant...The Mayans Were Right

She's gonna be a great Mom, I can feel it.

Fox News - Polizzi, 24, is carrying her first child by her boyfriend Jionni LaValle, and is roughly three months along, sources told the New York Post. Sources said the reality star, who denied being pregnant earlier this month, has already brokered a deal to announce the news on the cover of Us Weekly after she shopped the story to several celebrity magazines. But sources tell Page Six that MTV is worried about how to manage the news, given that Polizzi's hard-partying, booze-swilling ways have just been turned into a "Jersey Shore" spinoff with Jenni "J-WOWW" Farley, which has begun shooting in New Jersey. "MTV went into crisis mode after they found out," a source said. "They're trying to hide it because it would greatly affect the creative direction of the show." The untitled new show has just begun taping and focuses on the ladies' relationship as friends and roommates -- and whatever adventures come their way.

Is there still room in that doomsday shelter thing in Nebraska for a few more reservations? I'll pack my bags right now. 

MTV, how could you be so irresponsible? Seriously, you have two jobs, and two jobs only. One, document the downfall of society through such television shows as The Real World, Jersey Shore, and the Teen Mom franchise, and two...ensure all subjects are either sterilized or using some form of pharmaceutical contraception as to not further corrode our once great society. This is on your hands guys. 

PS: Thoughts on the name of this child? Maybe a tribute to a couple of her roommates? J-Woww "Meatball" Polizzi?  

And double PS: Between Jionni and his Napoleon like stature, and the fact that Snooki is a sausage finger away from legally being a midget, this kid might have a chance at the record books for shortest human ever.

The Pope Just Walking Around, Offending Everyone He Can.

Doesn't look evil at all...

VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI on Saturday urged infertile couples to shun artificial procreation, decrying such methods as a form of arrogance. Speaking at the end of a three-day Vatican conference on diagnosing and treating infertility, Benedict also reiterated church teaching that marriage is the only permissible place to conceive children. Matrimony “constitutes the only 'place' worthy of the call to existence of a new human being" he said. The pope pressed the church ban against artificial procreation, saying infertile couples should refrain from any method to try to conceive other than sex between husband and wife. "The human and Christian dignity of procreation, in fact, doesn’t consist in a 'product,' but in its link to the conjugal act, an expression of the love of the spouses of their union, not only biological but also spiritual," Benedict said.

The Pope is...kind of a jackass. And I know that's going to offend some people, but frankly, if you're not offended by what the Pope is walking around saying then just know that I don't value your opinion on this subject, at all. 

Why? Because by the pope's logic, two teenage kids starring on an MTV reality show about teenagers getting knocked up, who decide to do the "right thing" by hosting a shotgun marriage and profiting wildly as they sign away the television rights are more worthy of procreation than any same sex couples who may be infinitely more mature and responsible, or even married couples who, though actively trying to procreate, just can't, so they turn to science...

Really Mr. Pope? That baby, the one born into trailer park trash high school parents who'll be broke as shit once this country gets over the novelty of teenage parents, who was born by MISTAKE, is better off than a couple of committed and caring parents who are trying everything they can to create a baby? That's assinine. 

And by that logic we should just stop all vaccinations, stop medical treatments altogether actually, do away with modern food processing, and all live a disease infested life of starvation...whoever God so chooses will survive though, right Pope...

Or...Or, you could get your head out of your ass, advocate against teen pregnancy, and support programs which lead to decreased rates of underage preggo's, and applaud responsible adults for creating a nurturing family, regardless of how they did it.

But that's just me, maybe I just have a little less hatred in my heart than the Pope, who knew?

Lynn Woman Arrested in Complicated Welfare for Bottle Deposits Scheme

Lynn, MA - Police arrested a woman at a Lynn Stop & Shop Saturday after she allegedly stole $64 worth of soda cans from the store and attempted to feed them into a digital can return machine in exchange for money, according to a Lynn Police incident report. According to the report, Officer Craig Fountain was watching loss prevention video while on detail at the grocery store, located at 35 Washington St., around 8:45 p.m. when he observed 36-year-old Tina Cafarelli, of 37 Green St. #504, purchase 18 12-packs of assorted soda and pay with a state-issued electronic benefit transfer (EBT) card, which she allegedly also stole. Cafarelli immediately took the cans to the store’s digital can return machine and attempted to deposit them without emptying them.

That has to be the most work anyone's ever done in an attempt to steal a net total of $10.80 ever (for the mathematically challenged, 18 12-packs is 216 cans, at .05 cents a piece). And really, what the fuck lady? That would be my first question if I'm the arresting officer.

You stole $64 dollars, why not just buy some food and call it a day? What is the play you're planning on carrying out with your $10.80 that you couldn't have just accomplished with a stolen EBT card? I know drug dealers prefer cash, but I find it hard to believe some cracky out on the streets wouldn't have jumped on a chance to go stock up on some Campbells Chicken and Stars Soup at Hand cans. It's cold out there, they'd definitely appreciate a warm meal in a cup, microwaveable at your local 7-11.

Standard Issue Drug Dealer Uniform, per CW

Plus they're delicious, its legit the only soup I'll eat, and it has to be the "Soup at Hand" kind, I don't have any need for frilly things like bowls when eating my soup. I just want a can that doubles as a feeding receptacle, slash, is microwaveable safe so I can cook my food in it as well. It saves me from doing the dishes, allright? I'm wicked lazy. And apparently I equate my laziness to the same dietary habits as some imaginary drug dealing homy who survives on the streets of Lynn, Massachusetts. I assume his name is Derryl, he's wearing a black winter cap, and a huge oversized Oakland Raiders bubble jacket.

And this is exactly what happens when you let yourself ramble through a blog at 8 AM, you go from finding the humor in some elaborate stolen welfare money laundering bottle deposit scheme to realizing that the completely hypothetical drug dealer in your head may be the result of some deep seeded racial profiling. I mean really, CW? An Oakland Raiders bubble jacket? It's like I've never seen a gangster outside of the old N.W.A music videos.  I don't even think they make jackets like that anymore, but no matter how hard I try, I can't picture Derryl in anything else.

Damnit! Now I'm going to spend the rest of the day trying to figure out if I'm a subconscious racist or if it's just my limited experience with real world drug dealers and over-exposure to the 1980's west coast rap culture via MTV and movies like Boyz in the Hood that have made me this way. I mean, I don't think I'm racist, I'll break bread and pop a can of soup with Derryl any day, but at the same time, he is wearing that bubble jacket and I'm having a hard time explaining that.