Jessica Simpson: Paid as Professional Fat Person

TMZ - Jessica Simpson is now getting paid for being fat -- the singer just announced ... she's the newest spokesperson for Weight Watchers. Jessica made the announcement moments ago on her Twitter, writing, "So excited to be a part of the @WeightWatchers family!' Jess don't come cheap neither -- the Weight Watchers deal is reportedly worth $4 MILLION. The singer reportedly gained 65-75 POUNDS during her recent pregnancy -- and Weight Watchers must be waiting for a big reveal ... because Jessica hasn't been photographed in public since she gave birth.

Fucking Jessica Simpson. Broad has the life, right? Made in the Shade. Years after her music and film careers ended she's still rolling in cash. Paid for being dumb on television, undoubtedly made millions for being the first person ever to be pregnant for 12 months straight, fat like you read about, but will always sort of be thought of as a sex symbol because of this video:

And now she's being paid for being fat. That's as rigged a life as you can get. Being a fucking land monster and having Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers shower you in cash in a bidding war for your oversized and cottage cheese-riddled ass as the face of their company. $4 Million Dollars, folks! That's $53K per pound that she gained during pregnancy. 

Blows my mind. On the one hand we've got New York banning sugary drinks over 16 oz., on the other we've got the entire country celebrating this sea cow for letting herself go. It makes zero sense. 

Foolish me over here going to the gym every day for the last few months to try and shed a year and a half worth of laziness from my gut, could have just walked down to Weight Watchers and used my new found girth to obtain personal wealth. 

I've been doing it all wrong all along.

Jessica Simpson Had the Baby! The Internet Can Finally Go Back to Work

TMZ - The Jessica Simpson baby countdown is finally over -- because she just gave birth to a bouncing baby girl ... who weighed 9 pounds 13 ounces and measured in at 21.75 inches!!! The kid's name is Maxwell Drew Johnson -- which is pretty normal by celebrity baby naming standards. Jessica and her fiance Eric Johnson decided to use the name Drew because it's Jessica's mother's maiden name. Jess just released a statement on her website ... saying, "Eric and I are elated to announce the birth of our baby girl Maxwell Drew Johnson."

FREE AT LAAAAAST, FREE AT LAST,  GLORY, GLORY,  WE'RE FREE AT LAST!

That was the overwhelming reaction from the folks that bring you the internet yesterday, after being held hostage by Jess's unborn baby for what felt like a year and a half...you may now all go about your regularly scheduled business, the Jessica Simpson is still pregnant jokes maybe be retired.

It was also reportedly the first words of Maxwell Drew Johnson upon exiting his mothers womb after an arduous 18 months of pregnancy. (ok I couldn't resist one last joke, I swear I'm done now).

Couple of thoughts on this:

First, Congrats guys.

Second: It's a girl right? Named Maxwell? Ok...

Third: THAT IS ONE HUGE BABY!

Fourth, and Finally: The pic below is from this blog I wrote back on November 2nd. That's 5 months ago. Jess was at most 4 months pregnant then, and that's assuming the picture wasn't at all outdated...do you see where I'm going with this? She's the size of someone ready to pop there...I'm just going to reiterate what I said back in November:

I'm not sure what the rules are about calling pregnant lady fat, but Jessica Simpson is FAT.  I mean, yea there might be a baby in there somewhere, but it sort of looks like there's a couple honey-hams and a Christmas Turkey too. Look at her! She's built like a brick shit house...you can't tell which one of them used to play in the NFL and which one was a pop star, they've got the same physique!

 

Breaking News: Jessica Simpson "Wants to Get Back In Shape."

Hey Jess- You want to get back in shape? You could start by delivering what is surely by now a toddler aged baby you've got squatting in your womb, that should help shed some serious L-B's right there.

But in all seriousness Jess, for the sake of the blogosphere, you've gotta have that baby, and you've gotta have that now. Not a day goes by that I don't open twitter, facebook, or browse one of my daily blogs where someone isn't making a joke about your outhouse sized stature. This is my 3rd blog about it. THIRD! (here, here) And it's  not because I want to, its that I physically and mentally cannot move on until this circus side show you've got going on is over. 

So I'm begging you, for the productivity of this blog, my twitter feed, and everyone else's sanity, either give birth or take some pepto-bismol and digest those two Christmas Hams you've been hanging on to for the last year.  The speculation is literally killing us.

What's Going On With Jessica Simpson?

Jessica Simpson: The Life Blood of the Moo-Moo Industry

For real, what is going on here? I wrote a completely non-pc blog about Jessica back on November 2nd back when Jessica not only looked like she was pregnant, she also looked like she was beefing up for a shot at the NFL combine as a combo linebacker/defensive end...Now? Well dreams of the NFL are gone, I'll tell ya that much...Pretty sure they don't make shoulder pads to cover those two melons, which is a shame because she'd probably be more dominant than Vince Wilfork with that size.

But more to the point, November 2nd was 4 MONTHS AGO! So again, what is going on here? Is Jessica in some sort of perma-pregnant state? Was she really that fat at like 4 and a half months? I have so many questions...Will she ever be fit again? Are those heals scientifically engineered? Is her assistant just sewing her bed sheet in the back when she gets up in the morning and sending her on her way? Did they make that suede purse out of her own hide? 

If we go another month without that baby popping out we're going to need to launch a full scale investigation.

Jessica Simpson May be Pregnant, But She's Also Hell-a Fat

Boston Herald - Pop singer Jessica Simpson yesterday confirmed the world’s worst-kept secret: She and Needham homey Eric Johnson are having a baby. “It’s True! I am going to be a mummy!” the 31-year-old said in a statement posted on her website yesterday alongside a photo of her in her Halloween costume — a mummy — cradling her tummy. The confirmation came after weeks of speculation about the singer, who had been seen in scores of paparazzi shots with what appeared to be an ever-expanding baby bump.

I'm not sure what the rules are about calling pregnant lady fat, but Jessica Simpson is FAT.  I mean, yea there might be a baby in there somewhere, but it sort of looks like there's a couple honey-hams and a Christmas Turkey too. Look at her! She's built like a brick shit house...you can't tell which one of them used to play in the NFL and which one was a pop star, they've got the same physique!

I'll be honest, this is the first time I looked into this story, like for 2 weeks Jess had been all coy about whether or  not she was pregnant, hinting at it but not fully confirming, and all the while I was a bit puzzled about how there could be any confusion, like you know when a woman is pregnant, she sprouts a beach ball under her shirt...but now I get it, I understand the confusion. She looks like a frigen long haul trucker who's been eating at roadside diners for 15 years, just pounding cheese steaks and fries all day. Plus, now that she's apparently wearing moo-moo's in public  you really can't tell if its a baby bump or just her natural gut. 

PS: How the hell do her legs work? What in gods name is up with those cartoon like sticks that are improbably holding up her girth? Can we get some physicists to explain how that's happening?