Foxwoods Running Diary

3 weeks ago: The group e-mail….Ughh. Nothing has cemented the fact that we’re adults and quickly going over the hill more than the fact that we had to plan out a guys day involving a two hour trip, 3 weeks in advance…in fact nothing makes me feel older and less cool than just saying guys day, but that’s just where we’re at I guess. Between the self realization of where I’m at in life and the genuine excitement about the upcoming trip I don’t think I could have experienced more highs and lows in a single e-mail chain…The e-mail chain also gave us this beauty of a quote, after discussing the prices of the rooms (which are outlandish):

Do the Native Americans running Foxwoods have any idea what the hotel prices are in the rest of the world? Vegas isn't that expensive and that’s in the middle of a major city. Foxwoods is in the middle of a depressing reservation.

HA! This is going to be hilarious.

This past Friday night: “Hun I need to go to bed early, I’m leaving for Foxwoods in the morning.” Jesus Christ, CW. What the hell is wrong with you? Ok, truth be told, we were leaving at an hour earlier than I actually get up for work during the week, but still, I’m just embarrassed for myself.

Saturday Morning: Alarm set for 7 am, woke up at 6 to take a nervous/anxious shit, never got back to sleep. I was like a kid on Christmas whose parents told him he couldn’t get out of bed until the whole house was ready to get up. A couple of the guys arrive for the carpool and we all openly wonder why we’re heading down so early. Good question.

8 AM: We pick up one more member of the traveling band of 20something heading on 40 year olds, and we’re on our way…After a quick trip to Dunkin, of course, because lets face it, America Runs on Dunkin (good enough for a sponsorship? No, ok, moving on). About 15 minutes down the road we get a text from the final member of our party, he’s already at Foxwoods. We all joke about how quickly he’ll lose his money waiting for us…30 minutes later we have our answer.

10 AM: We arrive. Though it wasn’t on purpose, this was totally perfect because that’s when Foxwoods starts serving alcohol. I know what you’re thinking, what kind of degenerates are these guys? Relax, we got our vitamin C too, the first few rounds were Screw Drivers and Vodka Crans…we’re not animals. Also, this after hearing Adele come over the speakers, "She just bellows...I liked her til I saw her." It's so true.

10:45 AM: WE’RE ALL LOSING. Already…Check-in to the hotel isn’t even until 3PM, yet we’re all openly discussing whether or not it’s too late to cancel the reservations and just go home later in the afternoon. This is bad. Again, why the hell did we get here so early? We’re staying the whole night, was there any need for me to be washing down breakfast with Screw Drivers while watching some smug faced Asian lady just utterly dominate us at blackjack?

11:15 AM: The group disbands, a few go to grind it out in poker, myself and another take a walk in hopes of slowing our losses…I also debate calling my bank to raise my daily ATM limit, ugh. After circling a few games my friend takes a seat…At the Monopoly themed slot machine…Which…Was…AWESOME! Sure we had no idea why we won or lost on any given spin, all we cared about was riding around the board game, going from train station to train station and trying to hit boardwalk…One side note, they don’t pay you when you pass go, which seems a bit sacreligios.

12:30 PM: I register for a poker tournament…I gave up poker about 4 years ago, just wasn’t exciting enough for me…If I’m going to lose my money I want it to be fast and vicious, that’s why I play BlackJack and Roulette. Today, however, I’ve decided if I’m going to stem the losses and make it through the afternoon I may need a slower paced game, so I sign up. Me against 120 others, I figure I’ll last a couple of hours at which point it’ll be lunch time and almost time to check in.

1:05 PM: Pocket Aces baby! I just doubled up...I completely forgot about the rush of pocket aces.

1:07 PM: Pocket ACES AGAIN! I just doubled up…again. Twice in two hands. The rest of the table straight up hates my guts…the guy I just knocked out made fun of my haircut, which would under normal circumstances bother me, but he was a bald-o so I’m sensing jealousy. I’m now in it to win it, which is astounding because, again, I haven’t played poker in at least 4 years.

3:00 PM: Just had a hilarious exchange with some degenerate poker player next to me, he clearly spends his days in the poker room, he was waxing poetic about what a cruel game “she is” and commiserating with me on the various odds of what we just witnessed happening…Apparently because I have a large amount of chips in front of me and am for the most part stone faced, preferring to pay more attention to the 6 or 7 drinks I’ve accumulated than my opponenents, people have begun to revere and respect me. They have no idea that I’ve long since forgotten about calculating odds…I’m just playing by feel and whatever spur of the moment bets come into my head… if they only knew.

4:00 PM: Made it to the final table…this is hilarious. I clearly suck, but I don’t think they’re on to me yet…I just bet less than the minimum, had to be corrected by the dealer, and my opponent still folded. When will my charade end? Side note, there’s a guy wearing a San Francisco 49ers at, and a graphic T-shirt starring Yoda, they complement each other as well as you’d think…these types of people litter Foxwoods, or as one friend put it, “Foxwoods is just full of New Hampshire type people.”

4:30 PM: I’m all in…and Lose. 6th place, it was a great run and a nice payout, I’m now winning for the day, which is a minor miracle.

5:00 PM: I eat for the first time today...8 or 9 drinks in and I’m subsisting off an egg sandwich and a slice of pizza for the day. I have no idea why the normal rules of nutrition and digestion cease to exist when in casino’s but I feel like a million bucks.

5:45 PM: We watch a couple of our friends depressingly grind it out at a poker table…I mean depressingly. The mood in the Foxwoods pokerroom is always somewhere between a funeral and a doctors office where you’re waiting for your possibly life altering diagnosis. It’s just a weird place. No one is happy, even when you’re winning. They really need to do something about that…It could be because you feel like you’re sitting in a basement with low ceilings and no natural light…and that’s because that’s exactly where you are sitting, in the basement of Foxwoods.

6:30 PM: We head out in search of Bowling and get wait listed. We go to wait in some ultra-swanky lounge, real high class shit, and surprisingly I’m not asked to change my shirt…I forgot to mention, I’ve been wearing an official “I Love The Alt-Tab” shirt all day. No one has asked what it means, which is almost as depressing as the fact that I’m still the only one to have purchased one of these beauty’s. Anyway, the hostess must assume it’s some kind of hipster cool shirt you’d buy in Urban Outfitters, it’s the only possible explanation.

8:00 PM: We’re on fire at the bowling alley. I’m fairly certain our threesome would take down any other group out there…Also, the bowling alley just parlayed Puddle of Mud into MmmBoppp…Where the fuck am I?

9:00 PM: After thoroughly dominating the lanes we decide to kill a half hour playing…The boxing arcade game that measures the impact of your punch! Ok, I’m a bit relieved, maybe we’re not as over the hill as I previously thought. We’re still fairly childish.

10:00 PM: We head to the room to commiserate on our days wins and losses and get ready to go out for the night.

10:30 PM: We’re waiting in line at some club that the likes of Deena and Snooky surely inhabit. There is an old man in line (Like 60 years old or so) eating ice cream and looking all the girls up and down. Again he’s in line. He has no intentions of entering, he just figures it’s a great front row seat. He’s a bit creepy, but hey, you have to respect his honesty.

11:00 PM : Standard $40 round…My friends and I are now openly debating whether or not a couple of females that are seemingly doing laps are real life prostitutes or just hooking for beer, I say there’s not much of a difference. There is a liberal amount of animal print outfits in here…It looks like the Jersey Shore threw up.

12:15 AM: One of the guys just uttered this gem of a quote: “I gotta go, I need to go play war.” I’m still chuckling.

12:30 AM: I just ordered a bottle of water at the bar, that’s my cue to go. I leave in search of my War playing friend. I find him at the most depressing table imagineable. Just four down on their luck guys, all betting on whether their card will be higher than the dealers. There is 0 excitement. I tell my friend I’m taking a lap in search of a cheap Blackjack table, when I return 3 minutes later, he’s already gone. When I finally find him he tells me he went all in and lost…I just can’t. I don’t know whether to laugh or console him on his loss, but I’m definitely closer to laughing, because it was War.

12:45 AM: I try to convince him to accompany me back on the 15 minute walk from MGM to Foxwoods (why don’t they have more moving sidewalk in that goddamn corridor?), he passes. I spend an unusual amount of time just staring at the escalator trying to decide if its worth the journey. My friend apparently sees this and finds it hilarious.

1:00 AM: I’ve made it, and no, there aren’t any cheap blackjack tables left. I now have to walk all the way back. I stop for pizza on the way to break up the trip…consumption totals for the day are something like 20 or so drinks, two slices of pizza, and an egg sandwich…I’m really taking stock of my decision making.

1:30 AM: I make it back to the room. The others soon follow. My War playing friend lets out another beauty: “On my last hand of war, when I was on tilt…” No one has ever uttered that sentence before in their lives. Another friend just got cleaned out in roulette, which sucks, but was hilarious for all of us. Apparently he thought he was playing at the $5 dollar table, only to realize after a few bets that it was the $25 minimum table, to which he uttered: “Why didn’t they stop me?” Which was also hilarious, because casino’s so often have a habit of stopping people from making bets beyond their financial means…I’m starting to think it’s a good thing I wasn’t able to find a cheap Blackjack table…everyone that gambled after 12 AM lost.

2:15 AM: After some hilarious stories and jokes which remind me why we bother to take these trips (it’s certainly not for the money) my friend builds a fort on the floor as his bed…because there’s five of us in one room…Yea, we’re not quite over the hill yet, not many 40 year olds splitting a room 5 ways.

10:00 AM: We depart to the motto of the trip, and, if the marketing people at Foxwoods had any brains, what should be the Foxwoods slogan: “Easiest Drive Down, Worst Drive Back.” Yup.

BostonTCrush.Com: Snap Pictures of Total Strangers on the MBTA and Fall in Love.

Site encourages T riders to takes pics of crushes: MyFoxBOSTON.com

(FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - Complain about your commute no more. It looks like the hottest place to meet singles is about to become the T. It may seem unlikely, but a Web site set to launch today is hoping to hook you up with your next boyfriend. The site is called BostonTCrush.com and it's similar to London's TubeCrush and New York's Subway Crush, all sites that allow commuters to upload Smartphone pictures of people they find attractive. It allows other site users to give the unsuspecting riders the thumbs up and give the hotties the chance to find out who they think is cute.

Obviously this is creepy, and obviously this BostonTCrush.com site is going to end up with a major plot line in some "based on a true story" Lifetime Movie, but you know what I do like about this? It'll finally free me up to not feel guilty about trying to snap candid shots of all the vagrants, uggo's, and freak shows I see on the T. 

It's the very rare occasion where I actually snap a pic of someone right now, I always get out my phone, get it positioned just right, and then just have an absolute panic attack about whether I turned the flash and shutter sound off, whether the person sneaky knows that I'm taking a pic, and whether they're just really funny looking, or, funny looking and mentally unstable enough to make an example of me. 

End result, I don't take 99% of the pictures I want to, which is a shame. But now, that's all going to change. Some miscreant gets all upset about me taking their picture? Relax guy, I'm just submitting you to BostonTcrush.com...maybe you'll find your subway riding soul-mate.

Tom Brady Has to be the Only Quarterback in History to Marry Up with Gisele, Right?

(FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - Gisele Bundchen is set to become the world's first billionaire supermodel. Forbes says the 31-year-old Brazilian beauty has earned roughly $250 million over the last decade. Mrs. Tom Brady has a new lingerie company that is a joint venture with Brazil's version of Victoria's Secret - called Hope - as well as new endorsement deals for Versace and Dior. Forbes says it is possible Gisele ends her career with a 10-figure bank account.

 Do you think this is why Tom Brady is so driven even after all his success? He has to be the only quarterback ever who was actually able to score up, right? Never mind a three time Super Bowl winner, and two time MVP.

She's undoubtedly more world famous than he is and she makes straight up Scrooge McDuck Cash (TB's not broke but compared to Giselle he looks like one of the guys at my local Tedeschi's just sitting around playing the 12-spot game on Keno all day).

Do you realize how hard it is for an NFL QB to score up? These guys can pretty much settle for any pretty young face they want, (unless your name is Brett Favre and you fail miserably at sexting buxom sideline reporters) and yet Brady somehow came away with one of the 3 or 4 women in the world where he'd be the lesser half in the couple. It's gotta make him feel at least in some way inadequate and drive him to be better, like if you don't think Giselle is on his ass about winning a 4th title this week, you're crazy. Tom probably wakes up in cold sweats from nightmares where Joe Montana and Gisele cuckold him after he fails once again to get his 4th ring.

It's crazy to think, but it 100% explains the oddball behavior he engages in from time to time, the Euro-hair, the Uggs endorsement, this picture, and definitely this picture too. Guy is doing whatever he can to hang on, so the best thing for Pats nation this week is to pray to God that Gisele is nagging his ass about winning this game. None of this supportive wife, "do your best" bullshit. Just tearing into him, telling him what a pathetic loser he'll be if he loses, because if that's indeed what she's doing, watch out G-Men.

MBTA Bans Alcohol Ads, Promptly Considering Casion Advertisements

BOSTON (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - Alcohol ads may be banned from MBTA trains and buses, at a cost of $1.5 million, but ads for casino gambling are still a sure bet for Massachusetts. "I don't think it's hypocritical at all," Governor Deval Patrick tells FOX 25's Sharman Sacchetti. Governor Patrick supports the move to ban alcohol ads from the MBTA, even though it comes at a time when the state is looking to you for more money to help the debt ridden agency. Several public meetings on fare hikes are being held across the state. The governor says banning alcohol ads is all about public health. FOX 25 asked Governor Patrick what the difference was between alcohol ads and ads for casino gambling. "Well the one difference is we've struck a balance as you know with expanded gambling with a tremendous amount of investment on how we protect the public from some of the harm that comes with expanded gaming,” says the governor.

 Well for once I actually don't mind that smarmy bastard lying right through his teeth to the media. The guy obviously knows its hypocritical, anyone with half a brain knows that, but the MBTA is flat broke and banning every type of advertising that may lead to degenerative addictions is no way to solve that problem. 

There's a handful of fairly recession proof vice industries, and believe me alcohol and gambling are the least objectionable options. If you ban casino's from advertising the next thing you know you're going to be waiting for the Green Line with advertisements for the Glass Slipper and Centerfolds bombarding you, plus the Marlboro man will probably attempt a come back...Now think about it, would you rather a picture of vibrant young people having a good time after a night out with Captain Morgan along side one of those "Wonder of It All" Foxwoods ads, OR, some dead behind the eyes skank who lies and says she's working her way through BU chain smoking a pack of Newport Lights?  Kinda changes your mind, right?

Best Spelling Bee Troll You'll See Today

Lady is just happy to be a part of something. I mean is there no ettiquette or timer here? Has to be some sort of time limit she can impose so I'm going to say she just had no clue what was going on, just thought this ambiguously mexican/asian boy was hard of hearing or something.

PS: This kids at least 6 years older than that kid behind him, right? So the questions is, is the little kid a genius, or is the older kid in the middle of some kind of Billy Madison style k-12 quest? Because I'll tell you what, that senile old broad in Billy Madison handled his mischief much better than this lady.

The Best Snow Storm News Blooper You'll See Today

Perfect comedic timing. Absolutely perfect. Made me burst into laughter, I literally LOL'd...in fact, I almost ROLF'd...No hint that a joke is coming leading up to it, just an earnest report doing what they do best, reporting on the latest snow storm. He even leads in with the classic reporter line "There are times when...," drops his joke perfectly, and rolls right into the dramatic "this is one of those times," line.

Textbook, I guarantee he sent that reel straight to the producers of Dateline, who upon viewing immediately called his agent and made a deal. So long Ann Curry, hello James Lynch. Just the right man for the right time.

HillBilly Heaven BBQ Joint: Proudly Not Serving Halal, Peking Duck

Do Southerners not eat fries?

The Spec - The owner of a hillbilly-themed restaurant on the Mountain says he was only clarifying his cuisine by posting signs saying he doesn’t sell Middle Eastern and Asian foods and serves customers in English. But Evelyn Myrie, executive director of Hamilton’s Centre for Civic Inclusion, says the signs at Hillbilly Heaven on Upper James Street are “very offensive and against the principles of diversity and inclusion.” The restaurant has a big sign by the cash register that says halal, rice, kabob, shawarma, fries, wings, ¼ chicken, Mexican and burgers are “things we don’t have and never will.” On the door it says “to better serve you, our staff speaks ENGLISH” and “What would make you think this was a Korean BBQ? Do you see any f’n ducks in the window?” Myrie says the owner should take down the signs and apologize. He’s ignoring a great deal of the population. It’s very stereotypical … It’s unacceptable and feeds into a stereotype … He has the right to sell his goods but doesn’t have the right to trash other foods that are culturally driven.” But the owner of the restaurant, Cameron Bailey, says he means no offence. He says his business at Upper James and Fennell Avenue “is in a bit of an Arab neighbourhood. I got tired of people coming in here and asking me if I have halal. I put a sign up saying we don’t have halal, so stop coming in here and asking me.” As for the sign about Korean barbecue, that was in response to a Korean customer who got angry with Bailey, he said, because his restaurant didn’t serve Korean duck. He said he’s fed up with people who don’t understand what his restaurant is about. The theme is Southern U.S.-style barbecue that uses smokers that cook the meat for 12 hours at a time and then it’s sold in very large portions.

So this is what its come down to folks? A guy plainly spelling out that he doesn't serve all the foods from the colors of the rainbow at his specifically southern style BBQ restaurant has to apologize for clarifying his menu in an informational and efficient manner? Instead his employees should continue to have to deal with ignorant customers who somehow confused a BBQ joint for a Falafal joint or Peking Duck cart in the middle of China Town? Although, in fairness to the Koreans, maybe they assumed Southern Style BBQ meant South Korea? It's possible.

But since when is advertising that your staff is fully literate in our nations most prevalent language a bad thing? So Evelyn Myrie has never been infuriated at the drive in window of McD's or Dunkin Donuts? Or that her favorite Chinese food restaurant for take out isn't based on how well the person who answers the phone speaks English? Because mine is. 

True story, I've settled on one Chinese restaurant as my absolute go to when I'm in the mood for the taste of the Orient. Is it the best around? Absolutely not. Its pretty good but nothing special, but they consciously put the best English speaker on the phone so that when I'm trying to order a #2 with duck sauce I don't end up with some gross Bok Choi thing...Plus I have a propensity to just pay with my card over the phone and that is an absolute nightmare when you've got someone on the other end of the line that speaks like a giggling school girl in an anime film. 

Of course the downside to putting your best employee on phone duty is that you inevitably have to send out a simpleton on deliveries. I don't know what it is with my delivery guy but he seems to be the only person on earth that can't figure out the buildings buzzer system. He'll buzz, I'll answer and he'll already be mid sentence, cracks me up every time. 

One time he gave up entirely and just called me on my cell (we're pretty tight actually, he sees me about two times a week so we're on a first name basis), I walked down to the door, he's not there. Then I see him two doors up on some guys porch, he waves wildly (one of those really goofy, Asian waves, stiff elbow and hand, just the shoulder moving back and forth in the air with an overly zealous smile), got back in the car, attempted to back down the street (it's a one way), went up over the curb for a few feet before throwing it in park and just sprinting to my door. It was hilarious, we both got a big laugh out of it. 

And once again I end a blog well off topic.

Lynn Woman Arrested in Complicated Welfare for Bottle Deposits Scheme

Lynn, MA - Police arrested a woman at a Lynn Stop & Shop Saturday after she allegedly stole $64 worth of soda cans from the store and attempted to feed them into a digital can return machine in exchange for money, according to a Lynn Police incident report. According to the report, Officer Craig Fountain was watching loss prevention video while on detail at the grocery store, located at 35 Washington St., around 8:45 p.m. when he observed 36-year-old Tina Cafarelli, of 37 Green St. #504, purchase 18 12-packs of assorted soda and pay with a state-issued electronic benefit transfer (EBT) card, which she allegedly also stole. Cafarelli immediately took the cans to the store’s digital can return machine and attempted to deposit them without emptying them.

That has to be the most work anyone's ever done in an attempt to steal a net total of $10.80 ever (for the mathematically challenged, 18 12-packs is 216 cans, at .05 cents a piece). And really, what the fuck lady? That would be my first question if I'm the arresting officer.

You stole $64 dollars, why not just buy some food and call it a day? What is the play you're planning on carrying out with your $10.80 that you couldn't have just accomplished with a stolen EBT card? I know drug dealers prefer cash, but I find it hard to believe some cracky out on the streets wouldn't have jumped on a chance to go stock up on some Campbells Chicken and Stars Soup at Hand cans. It's cold out there, they'd definitely appreciate a warm meal in a cup, microwaveable at your local 7-11.

Standard Issue Drug Dealer Uniform, per CW

Plus they're delicious, its legit the only soup I'll eat, and it has to be the "Soup at Hand" kind, I don't have any need for frilly things like bowls when eating my soup. I just want a can that doubles as a feeding receptacle, slash, is microwaveable safe so I can cook my food in it as well. It saves me from doing the dishes, allright? I'm wicked lazy. And apparently I equate my laziness to the same dietary habits as some imaginary drug dealing homy who survives on the streets of Lynn, Massachusetts. I assume his name is Derryl, he's wearing a black winter cap, and a huge oversized Oakland Raiders bubble jacket.

And this is exactly what happens when you let yourself ramble through a blog at 8 AM, you go from finding the humor in some elaborate stolen welfare money laundering bottle deposit scheme to realizing that the completely hypothetical drug dealer in your head may be the result of some deep seeded racial profiling. I mean really, CW? An Oakland Raiders bubble jacket? It's like I've never seen a gangster outside of the old N.W.A music videos.  I don't even think they make jackets like that anymore, but no matter how hard I try, I can't picture Derryl in anything else.

Damnit! Now I'm going to spend the rest of the day trying to figure out if I'm a subconscious racist or if it's just my limited experience with real world drug dealers and over-exposure to the 1980's west coast rap culture via MTV and movies like Boyz in the Hood that have made me this way. I mean, I don't think I'm racist, I'll break bread and pop a can of soup with Derryl any day, but at the same time, he is wearing that bubble jacket and I'm having a hard time explaining that.

What's Wrong With This SCHOOL X-ING Picture?

NY Post - Somebody who’s working for the city should learn how to S-P-E-L-L. A slew of officials have failed to report a humiliating spelling error — “SHCOOL X-NG” — plastered on Stanton Street outside a Lower East Side high school for months.

Admit it, it took you a few glances, right?  I mean, I'd like to think I'm not the only one that didn't notice the mistake at first glance, took me three glances to notice something was off, and even then I noticed the "X-NG" portion before I saw the misspelling of school. So please tell me I'm not the only one, I know I misspell a word or two once in a while, and my grammar is suspect at best, but that's really because I write these things between 8 and 9 AM each morning and don't bother proof reading. 

And honestly, I think I'd leave it. Make it a sort of test for any new teachers. Like if you're interviewing a potential new hire and they don't mention that they noticed something wrong with the school x-ing sign out front then you just don't hire them. Sorry, I'd like to think the educators of our country's youth have a keen editorial eye for road markings and street signs. I know it's kind of a high standard, but its our children, they really are our future. 

And by the way, I have far less of a problem with the misspelling of "school" than I do of "x-ing." School is a weird looking word anyway, and frankly, it sounds Dutch. I don't really blame anyone for misspelling it. Actually, a quick Google image search confirms its a pretty common mistake.

But X-ING really only has one spelling. I have no idea what "X-NG" stands for, but it sounds like some late night TV dietary supplement that promises to burn pounds while I blog and watch junk TV. It's already an abbreviation, you can't just go abbreviating the abbreviations, the whole system would break down and the english language as we know it (which admittedly isn't that well) would be kaput.

Garth Brooks: Kind of an Asshole. Country Star Asks Hospital for Refund on Charitable Donation

Fox News - An Oklahoma hospital in country singer Garth Brooks' hometown must return his $500,000 donation because it failed to build a women's center in honor of his late mother, jurors ruled Tuesday. Brooks said he thought he'd reached a deal in 2005 with the hospital's president, James Moore, but sued after learning the hospital wanted to use the money for other construction projects. The hospital had argued that Brooks gave it unrestricted access to the money and only later asked that the hospital build a women's center and name it after his mother, Colleen Brooks, who died of cancer in 1999. Brooks said he gave the gift anonymously, as he does with all charitable donations. During cross-examination, an Integris lawyer highlighted statements that Brooks made in a deposition after he sued. Brooks said couldn't say whether the women's center was promised, or whether his mother's name would be attached to an existing center.

Sooo....Garth, you're kind of a dick, huh? I totally get wanting to get your mother's name up on a hospital wing, but really? Asking for a refund when it was used for other construction purposes? That's pretty low. Doubt Mother Brooks raised her son to go around town Indian giving wheelbarrow's full of cash to local charities. Wouldn't it have been a better idea to go back and ask that they name the next wing after your Ma? 

And does Garth know how much an entire Woman's Center would cost? $500k might cover the bill for a couple of x-ray machines, maybe one of those mammogram things too, but it sure as hell isn't building an entire wing of a building. According to this handy chart we're talking about millions. Surely someone that's had an uber successful country music career under not one, but two names, could afford a little more than a re-callable $500k donation, no?

PS: Anonymous? You can't go getting credit for anonymous if you're having wings named after loved ones and then taking the charitable foundations to court after...that's not anonymous. Anonymous would have just ate it and went on being a good person.

Chinese People Taking Birthing Advice from Restaurant Zodiac Place Mats

Time - Monday marks the beginning of the Year of the Dragon, and Chinese communities around the world will celebrate with extravagant festivities, vibrant parades and an influx in consumer spending. But forecasters and health officials are anticipating another boost: a wave of births. State news agency Xinhua says China is expecting a 5% increase in the number of babies born in 2012, the BBC reports. The dragon, considered the most auspicious zodiac sign in Chinese culture, is often associated with good fortune and intelligence and is believed to be the sign of those destined for success. In places like China, an already densely inhabited country with 1.3 billion people, the potential increase might put pressure on parents who must adhere to the country’s one-child policy as well as compete for spots in the most elite schools.

See, this is why I'm not overly concerned (yet) about Asia and more specifically China, rising up and dominating the world. I mean, first off, they can't even keep track of when New Years is...Guys, that shit happened like 3 weeks ago now...I know the international dateline can be a little confusing, but at most its a 12 hour difference, not a fortnight. Try and keep up.

But secondly, they're still taking medical and financial advice from Chinese Food Restaurant novelty place mats and fortune cookies. How crazy do you have to be to be planning out your birthing schedule over a couple sides of dumplings and crab rangoon? You don't see white people sitting around in McDonald's enjoying a Big Mac and using the Monopoly game to plot huge life changing decisions, do you? 

PS: If you are going to take procreation advice from place mats, just based on that image above, how do you not go with the Snake? I'd rather have good luck with money than be thought of as a careful listener with good health. I can buy good health with my good luck with money...Plus how about these parents, all worried about having kids this year because the schools will be over crowded when it's their time to enroll...Wait a frigen year then, then your kid will have no competition and will be guaranteed to get into whatever the Harvard of China is. Chinese, I feel like I have to explain everything to them.

The Evolution of Cameron Diaz...It's Not Pretty

Fox - When Cameron Diaz stepped out in Paris this week, her fans were left scratching their heads at her new look. It was a big departure from her look back in 2007 (in gold). Was it her sleek bob, combed back off of her face? No. Was it her freshly bronzed tan look? Nope, not that either. It was Cameron’s face that was looking a little … different.

Yikes, not a good look Cameron, I mean look what you're doing to yourself? Went from a certified dime piece (yep, just as I thought,I'm waayyy to white to pull that one off) hott enough to get Justin Timberlake over Britney Spears in her prime, to ARod's creatine partner, to a slightly younger version of Steven Tyler? 

I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but this is exactly what you're going to look like in like, 5 years. And of course the next logical step is the Tales from Crypt, Crypt Keeper below (frankly, I'm shocked Steven has been able to hold that inevitable step off for so long). 

Good luck finding a suitable mate now that they know exactly how your aging process is going to go...Can't imagine there's much of market for high maintenance goblins

Survey Says: His Schlong! Steve Harvey Just Desecrating the Family Feud

Al Borland and his Midwest sensibilities must be rolling in their graves.

Freaking Steve Harvey, you can't just take over a family classic and start sullying it with your dirty porn mouth. "His Schlong." Really Steve? After Bob Barker retired over at The Price is Right did Drew Care just come in and turn the whole thing into one big key party? You're goddamn right he didn't. Have some respect for those who came before you.

PS: Does it make me an asshole that every time I think of Steve Harvey I can't help but think that I wish it was him that died and not Bernie Mac? The guy was clearly the weak link in the Original Kings of Comedy.

A Brief Casual Friday Afternoon Email Exchange

Casual Friday

 From: Let's Call him Borat
To: CW
Date: 01/20/2012 04:09 PM
Subject: Re: Friday

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You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when
you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for
the rest of the day.


longest I've made it into a Friday in a while... I once sent that at 830

____________________________________________________
 

From:       CW To:        Borat Date:        01/20/2012 04:11 PM Subject:        Re: Friday

HA, it's so true...usually happens for me right around the time when the hardcore caffeine buzz starts to fade. They let us wear Pats gear again today so this whole day was a struggle.

 ____________________________________________________

 From:      Borat

To:       CW

Date:        01/20/2012 04:18 PM

Subject:        Re:  [I]

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Same here.. and I forgot haha, I was so hungover this morning I was lucky I could dress myself.. If I get "What, no pats gear?" one more time today I will snap


____________________________________________________

From:        CW

To:        Borat

Date:        01/20/2012 04:22 PM

Subject:        Re:  Friday

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Forgetting about casual day is the absolute worst...you always look like the one guy who thinks he's better than everyone else.  People are definitely giving you the "what a dick" look behind your back today.

____________________________________________________

Yep...This is my work life

Has Ray Lewis Killed Billy Cundiff Yet?

MEDFORD (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - The printing presses are working overtime to keep up with demand for AFC championship merchandise. The hats and T-shirts were already on store shelves Sunday night at Modells. The sporting goods store opened extra early Monday to accommodate eager fans. FOX 25's Tyisha Fernandes has more.

Look, I was excited as anyone when Mr. Evans dropped that pass, I nearly shat myself. When Billy Cundiff shanked that kid, I actually did shit myself. Was just hopping up and down yelling he missed, and sharted a little out of excitement. Whatever, it's not a big deal, you want to know what's more embarrasing than that? Rushing out to Modells to buy Patriots AFC Championship Gear.

What are you guys, a bunch of never-been-here-before losers? If you're over the age of 12 and are rocking AFC Champs gear today, then I think it's safe to assume you're currently on hold with WEEI, trying to call in and see what the hosts think about maybe starting Brian Hoyer in the Superbowl over Tom Brady because of Tom's poor play yesterday.  I mean what's the upside here? You wear that hat or shirt as many times as you can in the next 13 days? Then what? One way or the other after Super Bowl Sunday you're never wearing that again. If they lose, you're burning that gear, if they win, you've just replaced it with actual championship gear. You gotta think people.

Now back to the actual game, I'll be re-living this sequence the entire day in my cube. There is 0% chance I get anything done today.

PS: Side note, Jim Nantz waxing poetic about Ray Rice soaking up all the tales of the Ravens 2000 Superbowl team from Ray Lewis every day in the locker room was the height of comedy.  I'm pissed I can't find an audio clip of it, because, if you're Phil Simms, how do you not ask Nantz; "Do you think he ever mentions killing that one guy the night before the super bowl?" It would have been the greatest moment in tv history.

My Favorite Part of Winter: Cars Sliding Down Icy Streets

The guy didn't even laugh once...not a tee-hee, not a HA, not even a "lulz." Just honest to goodness documentation. I know I'm a bit more of an asshole than most, but how does one not crack up watching that Chevy do a perfect 360 and then go on about his way?

PS: At the first site of a some guy up the street standing in his yard video taping cars, I'm probably searching for an alternate route. If there's a guy willing to freeze his nuts off in the middle of a snowstorm just to capture footage of cars driving around, you know nothing good is going to come of traveling down that street...also, the car sliding sideways for 3 blocks in front of you is a pretty good indicator too.

Newt Gingrich Fires Back, and I Applaud him.

Bravo Newt, Bravo.

Now let me say this, I'm not a New Gingrich fan, the only thing more absurd to me than this man convincing 3 women to marry him, is his ability to get people to vote for and support him. There's literally nothing likeable about this guy, aside from this hilarious picture of him looking exactly like the Dwight Schrute of the 70's.

That said, he is spot on, right here. I am so tired of tuning into these political debates and being bombarded with tidbits from the candidates personal lives like it somehow impacts their policy making decisions. Who gives a flying fuck. Seriously. Newt, against all odds, convinced 3 women (THREE!) that his portley ass was marriage material, despite all evidence to the contrary. That should be celebrated. Deep at heart he's just a romantic, looking for everlasting love...And if that everlasting love should be his current wife, or his buxom new secretary, or the girl he drunkenly takes home from some hoity-toity cigar bar  for a one night stand, so be it. At least he's out there, putting it all on the line, which is more than most can say. Same goes for Mitt hiring Mexicans to lay sod in his yard, and whatever we're sure to find out Rick Santorum is into. I don't give a shit. Just tell me how you'll lead this country to a better place. 

That's all that used to matter, George Washington and Thomas Jefferson were out there fathering mulatto-slave babies while they founded the country, Reagan was divorced, Kennedy banged every upright piece of cooch in the tri-state area, and FDR's wife was a carpet munching lesbian, and he was cool with it. What do they all have in common? They're all revered as some of the better Presidents in American history, despite the fact that, on occasion, they liked to get their dicks wet. 

I'm not saying you can't condone them privately, or disagree with their morals, I'm just saying none of this should have anything to do with an electoral debate. We've got enough real shit going on in this country, we don't need to be focused on which of the candidates like to get some strange from time to time. 

And for that, Newt, I agree with you. Though, please note, I still don't really like you...at all.

Mailman Tosses Package Containing Ugly-Ass Clock Over Fence

There is not giving a shit, and then there is Really not giving a shit. And bravo to this mailman, because he just won the "I Don't Give a Shit Employee of the Year Award."

Was it an asshole move? Definitely. Should this guy be complaining about his "black forest cuckoo clock?" No. First off, it was either toss it over the fence or load it back up in the truck and drive on down the road, it would have been on you at that point to haul your ass down to the post office to pick that thing up during their regular business hours, standing in line with the rest of the lepers and cretins who haven't figured out how to use e-mail for everyday correspondence yet.

Secondly, that is one ugly-ass clock. I don't know what you paid for it, but I'm guessing you got ripped off. Whatever the post office gives you for compensation, I'd say pocket it and cut your losses. You're not seriously going to hang that on your wall, are you? I mean I could see if you were a hipster and were hanging it for ironic purposes (in which case a broken cuckoo clock is probs even better), but I get the feeling watching this video that you just have bad taste. If anything this mailman saved you from yourself.

A Few Weeks with A Keurig, and a Few Observations

The CW' household forever changed on Christmas when we received the worlds most talked about countertop appliance, the Keurig. Curious as to what all the hooplah was about I set out to report on any insights gained in my first three weeks with this machine, to see if it could live up to my self-dubbed nickname for it, the White Man's Crack Spoon.

1. It’s clean, like you’d think I’d hired a Puerto rican house keeper named Juanita, until you opened up my silverware drawer and saw that all the forks and knives where still there. I actually can’t get over it. My old coffee maker was an unmitigated disaster. First off, I’d never once changed the water filter on the back, nor do I know anyone that ever has, period. Just your average domestic bio hazard. Secondly, the coffee pot itself was tinged a darker shade of brown than hypothetical Juanita. Why? Because I’m a lazy cleaner, I just rinse it out, and scrub it once a year or so. I just never saw the point…it’s stained from the same stuff I’m going to be making today, right? It’s like that piece of Tupperware you have that is forever tinged red/orange because of that one time you froze spaghetti sauce in it. There’s nothing wrong with it, its just a little off colored. Finally, my counter was just littered with coffee stains, because, for some reason, the makers of coffee pots haven’t figured out how to make a fucking lip that won’t dribble all over the place like a 3 year old learning to pee standing up for the first time when you go to pour a fresh cup in the morning. That shit drove me insane. And now that’s all gone. None of that is present in the Keurig. There is no water filter to my knowledge (not that this knowledge would change anything). There is no pot to clean, and there is no pouring of the coffee. It’s the dream.

2. It’s all people want to talk about. I thought it was strange how much people wanted to talk about the Keurig after I received it on Christmas, but figured it was the novelty and the fact that I’d just got it that day…I could have told everyone that I’d won $50k on a scratch ticket and they’d have been more interested in the Keurig. I have a cousin who swore up and down that he’d never even seen one before (he lives out in Hawaii, so maybe it’s possible? I don’t know), needless to say he was immediately converted to the legions of k-cup zombie followers, I think if he tried a few more flavors he would have offered me $200 on the spot for it. But still, people still wouldn’t be clinging to this banal piece of domesticity three weeks later, would they? Yes. Yes they would. It’s like a cult. I had a 3 day e-mail exchange with late blogger, The Maestro, over various flavors and purchasing strategies. We’ve had friends over, who upon seeing the Divine appliance, begin babbling in tongues, raving about their favorite flavors and how this seemingly innocuous device has changed their lives. It’s wild. And it's the same conversation every time: "Oh, we have one of those too! Don't you love it? Our favorite flavor is xyz, what's yours? You know you can buy the pods cheaper here (generic place they happened to find a sale)." It's madness, I tell ya.

3. “Single Serving” is a bit of a misnomer. First off, it has two settings, small and large. Logically, this doesn’t make sense. A single serving, is a single serving, is a single serving. Pick a size and go with it. Secondly, one person’s single serving is another person’s sip, ya know? Like, look at my mug. I’ll pause while you take it in…Yes, that is a Winston’s cup 25th anniversary coffee mug, celebrating all the great champions of NASCAR Yore, the time period right before Jeff Gordon showed up and made it a pussy sport. I love that mug, and it’s because Jeff Gordon isn’t on it…Anyway, I digress. It’s a BIG FUCKING mug and two large’s doesn’t quite fill this up, but 3 is too much, messing with my daily fuel consumption, and possibly leading to the lack of productivity on this blog lately. I’ve more or less assimilated, so this isn’t a big deal anymore, but still, given that this is America, and as a people we are by and large, anywhere between overweight to mordibly obese, I find it odd that Keurig would select such a small pour for their definition of “single serving.” I'm an American and I’ll be damned if I’m going to give up my un-alienable right to diabeetus, for the convenience of not having to deal with the social stigma that my dingy brown coffee mug created whenever guests caught a glimpse of it.

4. It’s not quicker people. It’s just not. This is by far my biggest pet peeve when discussing the Keurig. And if you think it is quicker, it means one of two things, A) You’re not the one making the coffee in your household, or B) You were doing it wrong before.

Point A was the biggest selling point in my fiancée’s (still really weird to say/type) marketing campaign in favor of us becoming a Single Serving household, which I repeatedly shot down with vigor (we only converted due to Christmas). See, I make the coffee in the house. I get up, add the water, scoop the ginds, and press the “on” button. The fiancée gets up and gets in the shower. A cup of perfectly mixed coffee magically appears upon her exit. Even if you were to buy into the idea that the Keurig is quicker, there would be no time saved on her end, as there was not time spent to begin with. Despite my contention that my stance was well rooted in logic, we would bicker over this selling point like the old couple we’ll surely become.

Point B is all about efficiency. If you were an idiot, and stood blankly staring at your previous coffee pot as it percolated and dripped endlessly for 5-6 minutes, then yes, the Keurig is faster, but that’s just because you’re a moron. If you were smart, you simply poured the water, scooped the grinds hit “on” and went on with your business, returning only to pour the coffee once it’s done. This is not possible with the Keurig. If you’re like me and take a double dose, you must stand there while the water heats for an extended period of time (but not so extended that it makes sense to walk away and take care of something else), put in the first pod, watch it pour, and then put in the second pod, and again, watch it pour. This is a complete waste of time, and it’s possible this is another reason for the lack of productivity on this blog in the morning. And for the nitpickers who will ask, why watch it pour? Why not walk away? Because, the Keurig does not use a heating apparatus once the coffee has poured, unlike a traditional coffee pot. And being a sane, non-psychotic person that I am, I prefer my coffee not be served at room temperature. This necessitates my consumption process starting shortly thereafter the coffee is poured.

5. It is fun. Despite the negativity of the two previous points, I very much look forward to weekends with my Keurig. You might say I feind for it. Twice since bringing our newborn home I’ve woken up on a Saturday morning, nudged the fiancée and said “hey, lets go make coffee!” Old me would have been appalled. Old me would have rolled out of bed hours later and drove to Dunkin Donuts. Yes, I’ve become a K-Kup Krazie weekend warrior.

Man Holds Up Gambling Parlor By Threatening them with Staph Infection

Wouldn't be so tough if it was AIDs he was threatening  you with.

SHARON, Pa. - Police say a man tried to rob a western Pennsylvania gambling parlor by threatening to spread a staph infection. Online court records don't list an attorney for 41-year-old Fred Parker, of Coolspring Township. Police say he walked into Lucky's Internet Cafe in Sharon on Monday night and began touching the walls and gambling machines, claiming he has MRSA — a serious staph infection that resists antibiotics.

Why would you say Staph? You don't go with AIDS here? Nine times out of ten when you walk into a gambling saloon people aren't even going to know what Staph is, right? Nevermind this random strain that he was claiming to have...I consider myself much smarter than the average person but if someone came in threatening me with something called MRSA Staph, I'd have no idea what the fuck he was talking about, I'd legitimately have to ask him what kind of danger level I'm facing. 

ME: "Can't I just treat it with penicllian?"

Generic Bad Guy: "No, it's a special strain." 

ME: "Well surely if I run right over to the hospital, I'll end up ok, right? I mean, I'm in otherwise good health."

Generic Bad Guy: "Yea, they could probably help you out, you'd get fairly sick until they figure out how to treat it, see there are treatments, but none are 100% effective so its kind of a trial by error process."

ME: "Oh, thanks, that's pretty informative. How about this, I give you some of my money, in exchange for you not sticking me with that nuissance of an infection you've got there? I mean, it's not AIDs, I can't give you all my money."

Generic Bad Guy: "You know what? You've got a deal?"

Would that really be worth it? Having to painstakingly explain to me how deadly or not deadly the disease you may or may not have in your needle is? Probs not. Just go with AIDs, regardless of whether or not you've got access to AIDs,  you're still walking out with everything I've got, it's the Golden Gun of infection diseases.

My Newest Favorite Music Video is "Da Bes"

You want to know what's really insane? That, despite everything you just saw, the slo-mo sword fight, the slow mo fingers in the air, the random cartoon chic on the hood of the car being engulfed by flames, the Sun holding down a righteous beat, the fact that they filmed this in their front yard in plain view of everyone, and the bro straight up crowning himself with a tiara at the end, The BEST part of this video is the description on Youtube:

shiiiiiiii, 3rd track off my album. gonna be a hidden track, you gotta listen to the second track all the way through to get to dis one. took a minute to get this one up cuz SOMEONE ON THIS STREET CALLED THE POLICE ON US, AND TO THAT SOME1 (IF YOU WATCHIN THIS VIDEO, WHY YOU HATIN?) EITHER WAY I JUS SAID F IT, WE AINT GET ALL THE SHOTS WE WANTED, BUT WHATEVER, WE STILL GO HARD.

This somehow tops the actual video itself, which, by about the 1:30 mark I would have found unfathomable, frankly. This is his 3rd ALBUM! And not only that, his albums are in such demand that he's tossing out hidden tracks. Plus, he turned out this absolute masterpiece, despite not getting all the shots they wanted because some hater called the cops on them. If I had to guess that would have been when they were in the final sword fight scene and he was pouring what appeared to be sparkling cider off the roof of his car, presumably for his homie who just perished in a medieval sword fight.

The internet does it again.

PS: If the artist GMCFOSHO happens to read this, I'd love an Alt-Tab theme song.

A Backload of Potential Blogs, All in One Super Blog! You Know You're Excited

So as all my devoted, daily followers have probably noticed by now, the blog has slowed down. I just wanted to assure you all (all 30 or so of you who don't accidentally end up here through a random google search for things like "gay shit," "hooker," and "zack morris," all true search results that will lead you here) that it's not due to a lack of dedication or anything, it's just my real job. It sucks, a lot. And it'll continue to suck until we're able to put a wrap on January, so bear with me here.

But, on the plus side, I'm still doing blog research just about every day, I just can't find the time to actually write anything...The result? Today's superblog, my backload of stories I've been attempting to write for at least a week, that has now gotten so long its filled one whole page of a word document, and is causing me anxiety every time I open it and am bombarded with a smattering of goofy blue newslinks, and one line thoughts like "gummy bears for adults." Without further ado:

Gummy Bear Vitamins for Adults - This has to be the clearest sign yet that our generation, as a whole, are a bunch of immature, 25-40 year old, children. And I'm not complaining. Putting these things in gummy bear form is brilliant, because frankly, I'm starting to think the pediatric flintstone gummies I've been taking for the last 12 years aren't working. It's as if they're not made for 27 year olds or something.  And if you're looking for anyone to blame for this phenomenon of adult children, look no further than Toys R' Us, who in hindsight might have produced the most effective marketing campaign in the last 50 years. I mean, we literally took this shit to heart (Yes, that is a child Urkel at the :25 second mark).

Burger King Testing Home Deliveries - No thanks guys. It's taken DECADES for asians to figure out the home delivery game. Just in the past few years did they start getting orders right and putting people that speak a respectable form of English on the phone taking the calls. I have literally no hope that Burger King figures this out and hits the ground running. I have a hard enough time conveying my order to these MENSA candidates through the drive through, and I'm only like 30 feet away from them at that point, never mind a few miles down the road, depending on cell service and the listening capabilities of a 2nd year ESL student. Plus I didn't even think illegal aliens could get drivers licenses?

Iran Government Cracks Down on Barbie Dolls - In a victory for feminists everywhere, the Iranian government has declared immoral, and anti-muslim.  Also, in a serious blow to feminists everywhere, you share the same train of thought as an Iranian terrorism cell/government, so... Also, just so you don't think all middle easterners are batshit crazy: "My daughter prefers Barbies," a 38-year-old mother named Farnaz told Reuters. She said her daughter thinks the other dolls on sale "are ugly and fat." Warms my heart.

Warren Buffet Just Will Not Shut Up About Paying Extra Taxes - Only he won't do it unless Republican fat cats do the same...because if there is one thing Republican fat cats are known for, it's voluntarily paying extra taxes. I'm so fucking tired of these empty vows, Warren. Put your money where your mouth is or shut the fuck up. Stop teasing the American people, saying you'll pay extra taxes, cover the national debt on your own, but only if x,y,z happen. Shit or get off the pot. You got extra money to burn and are feeling bad about it? Give it back. You don't even have to give it to the government, just got out there and spend it on useless shit. Jump start this economy on your own. Buy like, 1 dozen Alt-Tab t-shirts (they're seriously good quality folks, I bought myself one for Christmas), buy enough twinkies to keep Hostess afloat for another few years, tell your limo driver to double the speed limit whereever you go and just pay an endless stream of speeding tickets...I don't care how you do it, but unless you actually intend to start paying more money, you need to shut up. I'm sick of giving you the benefit of the doubt. You're like the worst billionaire ever. Guilty about your money, but simultaneously thrifty as fuck.You just seem a little, phony.

MBTA Holds Public Meetings on Fare Hikes - Perhaps the greatest example ever of government inefficiencies. Guys you're deeply in-debt, you have no way of paying it off given your current business model, it's time to raise prices. Simple as that. You cannot offer your service, as currently offered, at the existing price. Just raise the freaking prices and be done with it. A private company would have just come out and said, due to rising operational costs, and expensive debt created buy our own greed and top heavy payroll, we now need to charge you, the customer, more for our service. Simple as that. Just do it and see how people respond. If they keep riding (which they will), you're good. Doing this whole, painfully drawn out process when the solution is inevitable is just making things worse. If you'd just raised the prices when you realized you needed to people would have been upset for like 2 weeks and that would have been the end of it...Instead people are sounding off daily while you continue to drag your feet.