Welker Made A Funny Joke Sunday and then Spent the Whole Next Day Explaining the Tenets of Humor to the Boston Media

Boston - Though he said it with a wink and a smile, Wes Welker's postgame comment on Comcast SportsNet New England on Sunday night about his 13-catch game ("It's nice to stick it in Bill's face once in a while") certainly became water-cooler and talk-show fodder Monday...Welker probably knew that it had blown up and didn't run from it today, speaking with reporters in the Patriots' locker room. He explained that it was said in jest. "Yeah, I mean ... it was a joke. I don't know what else to say about it; it was a joke. But Bill and I, whether y'all believe it or not, have a good relationship and it was a joke and I'll make sure to keep that in-house going forward," he said.

He fucking winked, people!
 
Example 1A of why the majority of local athletes treat the Boston sports media and their requests for interviews as if they were Nigerian princes asking you to help them gain custody of their vast treasure chests of gold coins and diamonds.

I mean, a guy can't walk up to the podium, blatantly wink while saying something completely in jest, without having to spend the entire next day explaining himself...and they wonder why so many of our local athletes are hesitant to talk off the cuff. Are you kidding me?

I always kind of assumed that most media members and journalists had some understanding of the nuances of the english language, but maybe sarcasm some how escapes them? Sort of similar to that Ricky Gervais movie, The Invention of Lying...That's the only realistic situation here, right? That they've never before encountered sarcasm?

Former Patriot Larry Izzo Once Pooped on the Sideline, Later Received Game Ball

Fast forward to the 3:15 mark, that's where this gets good.

NESN - Professional football players usually earn game balls for spectacular plays. One time, Larry Izzo earned one from Bill Belichick by taking a poop on the sideline without anybody noticing. "I guarantee that game ball is probably a more prized item for him than his Super Bowl rings," Wes Welker told ESPN's Dan LeBatard on a recent episode of Dan LeBatard Is Highly Questionable. "It's Izzo, it's what the guy does!" Welker declares. "I'm telling you, the guy is phenomenal." 

Welp, that helps explain these Wes Welker wears adult diapers advertisements in recent weeks. 

There's this whole other side to Belichick that I wish we knew more about. I mean he's clearly from the Michael Scott school of comedy, right? What other coach in the league would recognize the comedic value of a guy shitting on the sideline mid-game with a game ball? I'm sure TB threw for 350 yards and 3 TD's that game, and I'm sure there wasn't one ounce of jealousy when Izzo got the game ball. Coach Belichick recognizes greatness in all forms and everyone just accepts that. 

PS: There is an absolutely legendary story from my high school days along these lines (Some of the supporting details may be myth, but its been confirmed enough to know that this actually happened). There was this one kid, a bit of a spazz, clearly had something off with him, not an ounce of athleticism, but since it was high school football no one got cut, the kid got to suit up and sit on the sideline every game, and he loved every minute of it.  This is the kind of kid who would race students to the lunch line...like everyone else was just joking around but his day depended on winning that kind of trivial competition. During gym he'd not only compete like a mad-man, but he'd provide his own play by play...He was the color man and the straight man. He'd also cry and froth at the mouth after losing in gym class. Like I said, there was just something off about him. Anyway...now that you have an idea of what I'm talking about here...

The kid shit his pants during a game.  Not shit on the sideline, not ripped ass and everyone smelled it. Full on shit his pants. Dropped a deuce. Now from here on out the details are hazy as to exactly how the exchange went with the coach, but the most common story is that once back in the lockerroom the coach not only acknowledged the fact that he had shat his pants, but just chuckled and said "we're going to make sure we make it to the bathroom next time, right?" To which the kid enthusiastically replied (hell, it was probably the only time coach spoke to him, he had to be excited), Yes Coach!

Cracks me up every time I think about it, but no, to my knowledge he did not receive a game ball for his bowel movements.

Saints Wire Tapping: At Least Someone At ESPN Gets It (And it's not Schlereth)

ESPN - Wait: The allegations against Mickey Loomis make no sense? How on earth is that? How is the notion of no value that Loomis, the GM of the New Orleans Saints, had electronic access to the real-time, in-game conversations of rival coaching staffs? Ask the NFL why it has rules to prevent that kind of stuff in the first place. It is because such access would be of incredible value. How is it that so many rush forward so quickly to explain that Loomis wouldn't understand the lexicon of coaching well enough to help the Saints gain an edge in a game? The Saints play their divisional opponents twice a season, every season. Every scrap of information is critical. The edge is so obvious, you'd have to be willfully ignorant not to see it. Of course the Saints would benefit from such a system. Of course it's against the rules...As to what Loomis could or could not decipher from among another team's complex set of play calls and jargon, it's almost entirely irrelevant. It pales next to the idea that if you can eavesdrop on something, you can record it. If you can record it, you can review it. You can decode the jargon. You can store information for the games to come.
 

Holy shit, someone at ESPN gets it! HALLELUJAH! Look, ESPN should be embarrassed, nay, that's not strong enough, EMBARRASSED for Schlereth and Polians initial stance on this matter (in fact, I'm pretty sure they are, since I couldn't find that clip anywhere on their site after it was front page yesterday).

 How is it that so many rush forward so quickly to explain that Loomis wouldn't understand the lexicon of coaching well enough to help the Saints gain an edge in a game?

My thoughts exactly, Mark Kreidler

Polian, firstly, is the last person who should be giving unbiased opinions on anything related to front office issues...the guy is like 4 months removed from his own front office job. To say he might be partial towards certain teams and individuals is an understatement. And Schlereth? To directly compare this to stealing hand signals (so talking about the Patriots and Spygate, without actually talking about the Patriots and spygate), and say this is less of an offense, is the SINGLE MOST LAUGHABLE EVENT ON TELEVISED ESPN HISTORY. 

Yes Schlereth, that minimum wage intern recording hand signals from the stands went back during the 20 minute halftime, decoded them, and brought his dossier of intel to the coaching staff...That's more likely than a guy listening in on opposing coaches mic's while sitting right next to the coaching staff in their booth, gaining an advantage? Or, I don't know, recording those conversations and using them in the future? This right here, sums it up:

Of course the Saints would benefit from such a system. Of course it's against the rules...As to what Loomis could or could not decipher from among another team's complex set of play calls and jargon, it's almost entirely irrelevant. It pales next to the idea that if you can eavesdrop on something, you can record it. If you can record it, you can review it. You can decode the jargon. You can store information for the games to come.

What it all boils down to is this: Patriots: Bad, Saints: Holy Saviors. That's the way it's been since Katrina. And before I sound too callous, I get that they earned a bit of goodwill, but not this much, and they certainly used up whatever was left of it during their Bounty Scandal. It's despicable to think they have any defenders at this point.

Sports media watching types are going to have a field day in the coming weeks trying to keep track of all the people who ripped the Patriots for spygate, and seeing how they react to the Saints own, technologically advanced method. And the same goes for Goodell and the front office. If this is confirmed through reliable sources he has to act. It doesn't matter that you just imposed some pretty hefty sanctions not even a month ago for their previous scandal. You have to act. More fines, more lost draft choices, and maybe, longer suspensions (for Loomis in this case).

RIP, Patriots - Colts Rivalry 2001-2011

ESPN - Peyton Manning's 14-year career with the Indianapolis Colts is coming to an end after owner Jim Irsay informed the four-time NFL MVP on Monday night that the team will release him, according to team sources. Irsay and Manning traveled together Tuesday night from South Florida on Irsay's private jet and will conduct a joint news conference at noon ET on Wednesday, which sources said will be to announce the quarterback's departure.

As a Pats fan, this is exactly how I reacted to hearing this news yesterday afternoon: 

"Wow" (not a surprised tone, just more of a subdued, it finally happened tone). "That's really do bad, end of an era." 

Classy right? Except if you saw me doing it you would have seen a smug little smirk and a joyous twinkle in my eye.  For sure I meant what I said, but just not as much as I relished the victory at hand. 

We (Pats fans and Brady supporters) just won the greatest standoff since the Cold War people. This was sporting world equivalent of the Berlin Wall coming down. That smirk was the first time I smiled at football related news in over a month. It's probably what 2nd graders felt like when they were told they'd no longer have to practice hiding under their desk to protect them from nuclear fall out after the Cold War ended. 

Yes, a big part of me laments the end to this great rivalry from the past decade.  It was a guaranteed great game and the games almost always had great implications for each team's season (whether playoffs or regular season, something was always at stake). 

But the homer in me, the guy who wants his team and his players to win at all costs is celebrating a fabricated victory today. We just outlasted Peyton Manning, the guy with the laser, rocket arm. The Colts franchise is in shambles, the front office cleared out, a new coaching staff coming in, and now, next season, a new quarterback, leader, and era. The Kremlin has fallen, the Death Star has been defeated, the good guys won out. 

PS: I would not have felt this way if Peyton had just walked off into the sunset, as he probably should be doing.  I truly believe his coming out and putting on throwing demonstrations in the last month was the worst thing he could have done, because now he can't retire. He can't walk away having just proved he still has something left, the great ones never can. But that doesn't mean it's the right choice for Peyton. Not many great ones have had to decide between retiring or putting their fused neck vertebraes to the test. Not many great ones have had to travel outside the country to seek medical treatment that's not yet legal in the United States just in hopes of prolonging their careers. 

It's not worth it Peyton. You're not chasing anything. The consecutive games chase and an additional Super Bowl were all you had left, and now, you're not getting either one. What's the best case scenario? You sign with Arizona, who already has a half decent offense, and hope to lead them out of the desert? That's not going to happen. It's just not. 

And records? You've got nothing to prove. You're not going to catch Brett, and frankly, no one cares if you do. Brett was a freak of nature, he played 20 years straight, those records are as much a result of longevity as they are greatness. The guy was flat out a detriment to his teams late in his career, padding his stats like a self absorbed egotistical maniac...That's not you. Sure, in a couple seasons you can probably pass Marino for a couple of key milestones, but you don't have to do that either. You won a Super Bowl, he didn't. If you're a few yards short or a couple touchdown passes behind, no one is going to hold it against you when it comes to historical comparisons.  You have nothing left. 

Let this one go, walk off the field on your own terms, take a few years off, work on a few more deadpan commercials, root for your brother, but don't come back. Don't ruin your legacy as a Colt. Even as a rival Patriots fan who has absolutely hated you for the entirety of your career I know how much more it will mean if you retire a life long Colt. The time is now. Make the right decision.

Patriots Day and the Super Bowl at the Office Brings Out My Worst Superstitions

Patriot's day at the office, again. CW wearing the exact same outfit he's worn the past two times, again. And frankly, I'm scared. See, I'm not really superstitious, but in another way, I'm totally superstitious...if that makes any sense.

I'm not one that has some weirdo traditions that I have to do, convinced that some oddball ritual I have in some way affects the universe, I don't believe that holding me pee or not holding my pee has ever changed the outcome of a game, and I'm not huge on the whole jinxing thing...If I predict a victory or a loss in game, chances are it's not going to make it back to Belichick, I just don't have that kind of klout. 

But in another way, I'm as completely superstitious as you can get. I'll subconsciously get in the habit of wearing the same clothing or sitting in the same position (not just seat, position. Like, if my arms were crossed and my leg was at a 95 degree angle, it has to be the same...if my leg is at a 93 degree angle, we'll lose), and if I notice some kind of nervous tick is working, like if shaking my leg at a certain pace or rythym seems to have sparked a rally I'll keep that up all night.  

But the problem is, as soon as I become aware of these superstitions I start freaking out. Like this morning I didn't subconsciously pick out this outfit, I made the active decision to pick the exact same clothes I've worn the past two Patriots Fridays, and now I'm nervous. If there's one thing I know it's that when I become aware of my own superstitions, they stop working. So now I'm all worried that my choice of socks this morning may have some affect on Gronkowski's ankle, or maybe the undershirt I'm wearing will end up being an omen for Brady's shoulder...I know, it's fucking nuts. 

Like obviously the apparel of some middle manager in Boston will have no bearing on the outcome of a football game in Indianapolis played by a bunch of men who've never even heard of me, but at the same time...it will, won't it? 

I watched the Baltimore game at home on my couch, wrapped up in a blanket over the top my head for most of the second half out of anxiety, this week we're going to a friends house for the game...Do I bring the blanket? I kind of have to, I think. Sure a grown man showing up to a Super Bowl get-together (I don't do parties when the home team is involved) with a blanky may lose whatever minimal street cred he has left, but at the same time if they lose I'll spend all off season blaming myself for the loss.

And I just hate it...In all other aspects of life I'm a fairly rational person, except when it comes to sports. Sports turn me into an anxiety riddled fool who'd willingly buy into the Mayan Calendar or the Hale Bop comet cult if you caught me at the right time (say, late in the second half of a Super Bowl with my team losing but on the comeback trail, just looking for one karmic push from a middle manager/blogger who has no real relation to the team).

Has Ray Lewis Killed Billy Cundiff Yet?

MEDFORD (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - The printing presses are working overtime to keep up with demand for AFC championship merchandise. The hats and T-shirts were already on store shelves Sunday night at Modells. The sporting goods store opened extra early Monday to accommodate eager fans. FOX 25's Tyisha Fernandes has more.

Look, I was excited as anyone when Mr. Evans dropped that pass, I nearly shat myself. When Billy Cundiff shanked that kid, I actually did shit myself. Was just hopping up and down yelling he missed, and sharted a little out of excitement. Whatever, it's not a big deal, you want to know what's more embarrasing than that? Rushing out to Modells to buy Patriots AFC Championship Gear.

What are you guys, a bunch of never-been-here-before losers? If you're over the age of 12 and are rocking AFC Champs gear today, then I think it's safe to assume you're currently on hold with WEEI, trying to call in and see what the hosts think about maybe starting Brian Hoyer in the Superbowl over Tom Brady because of Tom's poor play yesterday.  I mean what's the upside here? You wear that hat or shirt as many times as you can in the next 13 days? Then what? One way or the other after Super Bowl Sunday you're never wearing that again. If they lose, you're burning that gear, if they win, you've just replaced it with actual championship gear. You gotta think people.

Now back to the actual game, I'll be re-living this sequence the entire day in my cube. There is 0% chance I get anything done today.

PS: Side note, Jim Nantz waxing poetic about Ray Rice soaking up all the tales of the Ravens 2000 Superbowl team from Ray Lewis every day in the locker room was the height of comedy.  I'm pissed I can't find an audio clip of it, because, if you're Phil Simms, how do you not ask Nantz; "Do you think he ever mentions killing that one guy the night before the super bowl?" It would have been the greatest moment in tv history.

Ochocinco to Teach College Social Media Class, Glad He's got a Backup Career

(FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - FOX 25 had a social media professor from Emerson College on Friday's Morning News. One of the things we talked about was his students’ efforts to get Pats wideout Chad Ochocinco in to teach. Well now, Professor David Gerzof tells FOX 25 Ochocinco tweeted him, saying he was watching the FOX 25 Morning News and saw the segment. The professor says Ocho told him he hasn't forgotten about his class and that he'll either come in to teach or take the enter class out to dinner.

Glad we got down to the bottom of what Ocho will be doing when his football career is over in a year or so...I saw this tweet from Chad last week and immediately wondered what he'd be doing for a second career after this Patriots stint flames out (I think it's safe to say at this point that he'll remain on the roster the rest of this season, but I'm pretty sure Brady and Belichick will personally be helping him pack his shit up this off season to ship him off to whatever team decides to give him a workout). 

If you're as good at math as I am, you figured out that Ocho plans on working for another 7 years...given that his football career should end a few games into next season (in which his new team calls him to tell him they're cutting him but he offers to pre-emptively retire to focus on his family life and twitter followers), he obviously must have something planned for his second career, and now we know what it is...teaching social media courses at the college level.

And it makes sense. The guy is a social media genius, aside from his just under 3 million followers he's also managed to pull off the impossible, he's such a nice, fun, and engaging guy on twitter, that I actually feel genuinely bad taking shots at him about his performance on the field.  So much so that I've really just bit my tongue while watching him run fruitless route after fruitless route all season. I mean that's amazing...I have a comment on anything and everything, and I've steadfastly refused to say anything about Ocho, because I like following him on Twitter so much.  

So yes, teaching social media is the perfect job for you Ocho. So perfect that it would be nice if you'd just retire this off season and spare my Patriots some cap room so we can find a suitable replacement for you, or just a roster spot to bring some guy up off the practice squad...you'd be doing all us fans a huge favor.

A Minor Miracle: Boston Fans Almost Unanimously Agree It Was time For Albert Haynesworth to Go

Ladies and Gentelmen, Alberts 2011 Patriots Highlights: That one time he was on the field.

Boston - The Grand Experiment is over, having lasted 102 days. That’s 30 days longer than the Kim Kardashian-Kris Humphries marriage, for those of you scoring at home. Coach Bill may or may not be familiar with the Kardashian clan, but he is familiar with the National Football League, and what he did by trying to extract Albert Haynesworth’s legendary raw talent on behalf of the New England Patriots was a reasonable gamble. Coach Bill gave the Washington Redskins a fifth-round draft pick, and he did not take on a great deal of salary. If it worked out, great, the Patriots had stolen one. And if it didn’t, it was pretty much going to be no harm, no foul. The option was always there to dump Mr. Haynesworth if things did not work out. And so they have.

3 Total Tackles, 0 Sacks, 0 Impact.

As a defensive lineman you can almost just fall forward 3 or 4 times a game and get credited with an assist on a tackle, that's how damning Fat Albert's season stat line is.

Sick career Albert, time to call it a wrap though, because you’ve just pulled off the impossible, you just got every single Pats fan on the same page, a feat that in all my time, has never happened before for Boston sports fans of any of our beloved teams.

Simply put, we like to argue, and we’ll argue about anything and everything sports related. You don’t support not one, but two of the top sports radio stations in the country without an irrationally argumentative fan base, however the decision to cut your fat ass yesterday put all that to rest, because I didn’t hear a single person lament the decision, not one upset about Belichick giving up a 5th round pick, not even the bloviating hosts of the radio stations who are paid to stir the muck could get an argument going. I couldn't get simple banter in the office, everyone I talked to had the same "yea it was about time" feeling. Even my legendary e-mail chain partners had nothing to add, we relayed the news and then moved on...that's never happened in the history of the e-mail chain.

For once, it was peaceful in the Boston sports world. That’s your legacy Albert. A man who sucked so bad, and was so useless, that you got everyone to band together and say, "meh, its probably a good thing, he wasn’t that good." Sick career Albert, and thanks for the memories.

Patriots Fan Shoots Himself in the Foot Pre-Game, Patriots Defense Follow Suit Later on in the Afternoon.

That guy got signed out of the parking lot before the kick off

FOXBOROUGH (FOX25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - A fan at Sunday's Patriots game shot himself in the leg while sitting in his car in a Gillette Stadium parking lot just after 3 PM Sunday afternoon. Foxborough Police determined the incident occurred with a licensed firearm. They secured that firearm during their investigation. Patriots spokesperson Stacey James responded to the incident in a statement to FOX25.

I'll just go ahead and assume this was Bill Belichick trying to get inside the collective mind of his defense before the game, just preparing for this rag-tag bunch of clowns to shoot themselves in the foot (metaphorically speaking) once again. 

How much more of this group are we supposed to be subjected to? I mean every week there is some guy, who before this year I'd probably never heard of, making a crucial mistake or penalty to absolutely kill this defense.  I mean yesterday we had a linebacker, who I'm fairly certain was just signed before the opening kickoff, getting burnt on the game winning touch down. I mean, there's like 12 seconds left, the Giants have no time outs left, they can't possibly be running the ball if they want to save time to kick a game tying field goal, and yet this clown bit hard on the play action. Don't even get me started on the two pass interference calls late in the game, I can't even count on my fingers how many times in the last 3-4 years this defense has killed itself with absurd pass interference penalties, so seeing Sergio Brown take out a receiver who had no shut in fucking hell at catching a deep bomb that was overthrown by about 10 yards, hardly even registered a reaction to me...And Kyle Arrington's inability to turn his head around did nothing but bring me flashbacks to the Ellis Hobbs days, that play looked so similar to what we saw out of Hobbs for like straight years that I had to pull up the depth chart on my computer to make sure they hadn't resigned him out of the blue.

Bottom line, this team is going 10-6, maybe 11-5 and losing a close on in the first round. That's it, that's best case scenario right now, a close nail biting loss in the first round of the playoffs.  That's what teams with above average offenses and historically bad defenses do . They lose in the first round.  Goddamnit.

Running Diary: Patriots vs. Cowboys, Part 1

Foreshadowing is Always Fun

Hello everyone, my shameless and blatant rip off of Bill Simmons “Running Diary” concept is back for its NFL styled debut, featuring a potential shootout with the hometown New England Patriots against the underperforming yet dangerous Dallas Cowboys. As always, my notes/observations at a given point is what I was thinking in real time, with creative additions sprinkled in for entertainment purposes. Without further adieu, let’s get to it. (Note: The times posted are just my general estimate for what the game clock was)

Part ½: First Half

1^st Quarter

15:00 New England kicking off to Dallas, which is fine by me. Let Tony Romo take the field with a week full of criticism on his mind and no chance for the defense to take some of the pressure off of him.

12:15 Wow, as if on cue or the fact he just can’t help himself, Tony Romo overthrows his intended receiver and gets picked off by Kyle Arrington. Romo has the unique ability to throw off his back foot, yet still miss his target high by 10 feet. Most QB’s who do that get picked off by a DB jumping the route, so I guess sucking in a unique way is commendable, Tony.

10:15-9:01 After getting deep into Dallas territory, Patriots uncharacteristically stall out their drive on 2 incompletions, even though Brady could have walked into the endzone on 2^nd down (Dallas was in man coverage and NOBODY was looking back) followed by Demarcus Ware crushing Brady. Sigh. Gotskowski booms an easy one for 3-0 Pats lead.

8:36-7:20 To some degree, I understand the Cowboys conservative playcalling early. They want to get settled in and get Romo some confidence. But you have Jason Witten, Miles Austin, and Dez Bryant as weapons. Why all this underneath stuff/running plays? Whatever, I won’t complain.

-Kyle Love makes a great run stuff on 2^nd down, but Patriots get burned when they send the house on a blitz and Romo finds Bryant for a first down.

6:45-5:15- Run defense has been excellent so far. Even though a Demarco Murray run was negated by a hold, Brandon Spikes shot the gap and CRUSHED him. He has been stepping the fuck up the past few weeks. Guy plays with a tenacity and attitude we haven’t had since Rodney Harrison left. Throw in the fact he looks like (and treats other life forms with the vindictiveness of) a Predator and it’s doubly awesome.

-Also awesome is Romo getting a case of Happy Feet and getting sacked by Andre Carter on 3^rd down. Pats ball off a punt

4:53-3:56 Holy shit, that couldn’t have gone worse. Brady’s pass gets tipped at the line and the DB covering Branch intercepts it. Not sure is Brady’s delivery point is a tad low or defenses just know to get their hands up at this point, but a lot of passes being influenced at the line.

-Meanwhile, Chung kills Miles Austin for daring to come over the middle, and the Pats get REALLY lucky on an endzone play where McCourty interfered with the pass since he didn’t bother to look for the ball because a Dallas O-lineman got caught holding.

-Gerrard Warren smushes Tashard Choice into human paste on a rush, 4^th down field goal for Dallas. Tie game 3-3.

3:09-1:00 You have got to be FUCKING kidding me. Slater apparently decided it was his turn to get invited to the turnover party and fumbles despite a Dallas player barely caressing his arm carrying the ball. Sloppy execution by Pats early.

-Despite not blitzing/stacking the box the past 100 games, Bill clearly wants to pressure Romo because we’re showing and/or bringing heavy pressure frequently.

-VINCE WILFORK=turnover machine, gets his bear claw sized mitt on the ball and causes a fumble. Dallas apparently hates the hot potato( edit:football) as much as we do.

1:00-End 1^st- BJGE (don’t feel like writing his 432 letter name) is the anti-Lawrence Maroney and I love it. Dude finds the hole, hits it hard running North/South, and never fumbles. No dumbfuck tap dancing routine for 5 seconds before getting hit for a loss.

-What I don’t love is Dan Connolly completely whiffing on his block and letting Demarcus Ware destroy Brady for the second time in the game. I have to think the temptation to sacktap Connolly on the next down for Brady is overwhelming.

-Underwhelming is the score after 1 quarter, tied 3-3

2^nd Quarter

15:00-12:07- Brady slings it on a beautiful out pattern to Deion Branch while Gronk throws a massive lead block which gets him an extra 15 yards. God, why did we ever let Branch walk in 2006? Memories of Reche Caldwell/Doug Gabriel still haunt me.

-Brady TAKES OFF with his Usain Bolt like (edit: Sumo wrestler running through a tub of molasses wearing bricks as shoes) speed. Couldn’t help but be scared, 2008 makes me permanently paranoid whenever Brady leaves the pocket.

-Yet again, Patriots stall their drive with a stuffed run, then an untimely holding call on Solder. Very uncharacteristic, another field goal, 6-3 Patriots.

12:07-10:55- This section is sponsored by “Tony Romo’s massive suckage.” Pure gold for anyone not rooting for Dallas.

-After a quick first down, Tony throws an easy swing pass 10 feet behind the running back, then follows it up with a beautiful spiral…right into triple coverage. A shame it wasn’t picked off. Then again, our guys couldn’t have expected THAT bad of a throw.

-Romo, to his credit, improves drastically on third by completing a throw to a bare spot of grass. Good job Tony. Pats ball off the punt.

10:37-7:34 Since defenses have picked up on the Gronk seam route, the Gronk screen is a new weapon that works to great effect. Basically runs people over until 5 defenders converge and hogtie him down to the field.

-Brady works a beautiful hardcount exposing a Cowboys blitz, but someone fucking moves on the O-line. How his vocal chords are still functioning is beyond me, because he barks out plays louder than any QB I know.

-Hernandez and his slippery after the catch magic works two plays in a row. Elusive bastard, he is.

-Note to opposing defenses: On third and short with no one lined up over the center, Brady is running up the middle.

-Brady slings it out to Welker FOR A TD. Refs fuck up the call, but review corrects it. 13-3 Pats.

7:34-End of 2^nd Quarter- Dallas drive begins with ANOTHER fucking flag. Haven’t mentioned it, but the Refs are literally like a desperate puppy pining for attention this game. Making every effort to insert themselves by coating the field in yellow fabric to great anger on my part. Let the boys play, dickhead.

-OUCH, Dez Bryant finally breaks off a huge play, shattering Pat Chung’s ankles million tiny pieces on a juke, scampers for 45 yards.

-Swing pass to Tashard Choice who STEAMROLLS Kyle Arrington on a five yard game. That looked painful. Maybe the hit will finally teach our DB’s to stop arm tackling and go for guys legs once in a while.

-Jesus, another whiff by McCourty on a pass to Laurent Robinson for 50 yard gash. I know McCourty had an insane rookie year and to expect him to follow that success up was highly unlikely, but there have been times this year where he hasn’t just looked bad, he’s been really awful. I think, as a developing player, we should revert to giving him safety help over the top instead of isolating him like we did last season. But that’s just me.

-I didn’t know the Cowboys had a white tight end not named “Witten” but apparently they do, as he caught a pass to make it first and goal for Dallas. Our “Bend-don’t Break” approach is bending more than a circus contortionist on this drive.

-Well, there’s the “break” we were supposed to be avoiding, as Romo slings it to Witten for a touchdown. Damn it, who’s the imposter in the Romo jersey because he looked like a confident and competent quarterback. Not only did Dallas get back in the game on the scoreboard, but that drive ate up more than 7 minutes of clock, leaving the Pats with no time and basically just running out the clock. 13-10 Pats at the half. Basically, we are getting the close competitive game we expected, albeit with considerably less offense.

That’s it for Part 1, mainly since I don’t feel like writing anymore and your Generation Y ADHD is demanding you switch tasks at this point, so I’ll deliver Part 2: Second Half tomorrow.