So, I Didn't Win the Lottery, Back To Work

Who do ya gotta blow around here to win the lottery? Oh, wait.

Fox News - Mega Millions mania has plunged a Maryland McDonald’s into a bubbling cauldron of controversy hotter than a deep-fried apple pie. Workers at the fast-food joint who pooled their cash for tickets are furious at a colleague who claims she won with a ticket she bought for herself and has no intention of sharing. “We had a group plan, but I went and played by myself. [The ‘winning’ ticket] wasn’t on the group plan,” McDonald’s “winner’’ Mirlande Wilson 37, told The Post yesterday, insisting she alone bought one of the three tickets nationwide that will split a record $656 million payout. “I was in the group, but this was separate. The winning ticket was a separate ticket,” the single mother of seven said as she and her fiancé left her home in the squalid Westport neighborhood to attend church. The Haitian immigrant refused to show what she said was the winning ticket, claiming she had it hidden in another location and would present it to lottery officials today.

First off, I feel like there should be some kind of national crisis hotline for people returning to work today, this has to be one of the most depressing walks back through the doors of your 9-5, ever. Yea, when I left on Friday I knew I probably wouldn't win, but in another sense, I totally figured I was going to win. Pre-emptively put in my 0 days notice pending my jackpot victory, blatantly told a few co-workers that I really hoped I'd win on my individual tickets instead of in our office pool, and actually went out and spent some of that money in advance because I figured day dreaming was for losers, if you want something to happen, you make it happen...So now I'm left trying to figure out the return policy for a secluded Carribean Island and trying to make sure the gold plated toilet I ordered hasn't gone into production as of yet.

You guys are idiots for not following me, look at this gold you're missing.

All that said, I'm not hating on this woman for holding out. As a rule of thumb I always play a couple of extra tickets outside my office pools, you'd be crazy not to, how else are you going to rub it into everyone if you have no chance of winning on your own?

What I don't get is this:

“I don’t know if I won. Some of the numbers were familiar. I recognized some of [them],’’ she said. “I don’t know why’’ people are saying differently. “I’m going to go to the lottery office [today]. I bought some tickets separately.”

Bitch, check the ticket then! The fuck do you mean you don't know if you won? You know what's worse than screwing your co-workers out of millions they may have rightfully won? Pretending to screw your co-workers out of millions they may have rightfully won. I sincerely hope, that along with that trip to the lottery office, you've got a couple of new interviews lined up...Because there is no way in fucking hell that you can step foot in that McDonalds ever again if it turns out you didn't win. 

You can't just saunter back in during breakfast hours and start slinging hashbrowns like everything's cool, "Hey - Remember that time I was going to screw you out of a Fortune? April Fools! But seriously, we're all good, right?" Umm, NO! They not good. This shit has Lifetime movie written all over it. A poor Haitian mom beaten by her co-workers who thing she's robbed them of millions, but in fact never won anything. I'd DVR it.

Chinese People Taking Birthing Advice from Restaurant Zodiac Place Mats

Time - Monday marks the beginning of the Year of the Dragon, and Chinese communities around the world will celebrate with extravagant festivities, vibrant parades and an influx in consumer spending. But forecasters and health officials are anticipating another boost: a wave of births. State news agency Xinhua says China is expecting a 5% increase in the number of babies born in 2012, the BBC reports. The dragon, considered the most auspicious zodiac sign in Chinese culture, is often associated with good fortune and intelligence and is believed to be the sign of those destined for success. In places like China, an already densely inhabited country with 1.3 billion people, the potential increase might put pressure on parents who must adhere to the country’s one-child policy as well as compete for spots in the most elite schools.

See, this is why I'm not overly concerned (yet) about Asia and more specifically China, rising up and dominating the world. I mean, first off, they can't even keep track of when New Years is...Guys, that shit happened like 3 weeks ago now...I know the international dateline can be a little confusing, but at most its a 12 hour difference, not a fortnight. Try and keep up.

But secondly, they're still taking medical and financial advice from Chinese Food Restaurant novelty place mats and fortune cookies. How crazy do you have to be to be planning out your birthing schedule over a couple sides of dumplings and crab rangoon? You don't see white people sitting around in McDonald's enjoying a Big Mac and using the Monopoly game to plot huge life changing decisions, do you? 

PS: If you are going to take procreation advice from place mats, just based on that image above, how do you not go with the Snake? I'd rather have good luck with money than be thought of as a careful listener with good health. I can buy good health with my good luck with money...Plus how about these parents, all worried about having kids this year because the schools will be over crowded when it's their time to enroll...Wait a frigen year then, then your kid will have no competition and will be guaranteed to get into whatever the Harvard of China is. Chinese, I feel like I have to explain everything to them.