Mitt Romney & Paul Ryan Pep Rally: "Oh Sweet Jesus"

"Oh Sweet Jesus."

 Mitt, let's talk. You're not cut out for this. You never were. You've been campaigning for like, a decade, and not once have you gotten the call, and that's not changing this year either. Trust me. We all want a change, but you're not it. You're boring, you're a boring Morman. Your speeches are boring, your hair, that somehow has maintained the same color and shape over the last 10 years, is boring. You're not igniting anything, you're putting a damper on it. That's what you are...a political wet blanket...in fact that's what we're going to nickname you. Just use this clip as an example. A crowd was legitimately more excited for your running mate, you tried to change the tide, and crickets...The Wet Blanket did it again. You're such a wet blanket that I'd bet you could walk on stage sans trousers to your next pep rally, and it wouldn't be a scandal. All everyone would want to talk about his how boring your tighty-whiteys were. That's you in a nutshell Mitt. The Wet Blanket of the GOP...Putting out fires and dampening excitement wherever your magical hair takes you.

Newt Gingrich Fires Back, and I Applaud him.

Bravo Newt, Bravo.

Now let me say this, I'm not a New Gingrich fan, the only thing more absurd to me than this man convincing 3 women to marry him, is his ability to get people to vote for and support him. There's literally nothing likeable about this guy, aside from this hilarious picture of him looking exactly like the Dwight Schrute of the 70's.

That said, he is spot on, right here. I am so tired of tuning into these political debates and being bombarded with tidbits from the candidates personal lives like it somehow impacts their policy making decisions. Who gives a flying fuck. Seriously. Newt, against all odds, convinced 3 women (THREE!) that his portley ass was marriage material, despite all evidence to the contrary. That should be celebrated. Deep at heart he's just a romantic, looking for everlasting love...And if that everlasting love should be his current wife, or his buxom new secretary, or the girl he drunkenly takes home from some hoity-toity cigar bar  for a one night stand, so be it. At least he's out there, putting it all on the line, which is more than most can say. Same goes for Mitt hiring Mexicans to lay sod in his yard, and whatever we're sure to find out Rick Santorum is into. I don't give a shit. Just tell me how you'll lead this country to a better place. 

That's all that used to matter, George Washington and Thomas Jefferson were out there fathering mulatto-slave babies while they founded the country, Reagan was divorced, Kennedy banged every upright piece of cooch in the tri-state area, and FDR's wife was a carpet munching lesbian, and he was cool with it. What do they all have in common? They're all revered as some of the better Presidents in American history, despite the fact that, on occasion, they liked to get their dicks wet. 

I'm not saying you can't condone them privately, or disagree with their morals, I'm just saying none of this should have anything to do with an electoral debate. We've got enough real shit going on in this country, we don't need to be focused on which of the candidates like to get some strange from time to time. 

And for that, Newt, I agree with you. Though, please note, I still don't really like you...at all.