Quick Slants: Musings and Thoughts after 10 weeks of the NFL Season

Fact: This guy and his team are the top dogs in the NFL

Quick Slants: Thoughts and Musings on the NFL After Week 10

Well, it certainly has been a while since I put together a piece on the NFL landscape (with my other amazing piece coming back in Week 3) so suffice to say, the various scenarios around the league have transformed quite a bit. Even with that being said, with the exception of the juggernaut Packers, I have no fucking idea what to make of the rest of the league: every team seems capable of shitting their pants on a given week (Staring angrily at you and your Ravens Joe Flacco…the SEAHAWKS??? REALLY?) or just going out and completely dominating (The Houston Texans have looked absolutely sensational, especially against the Bucs…but now they lost their starting QB for the year and are forced to start…USC “superstar” Matt Leinhard, good luck winning a game the rest of the year) So, with the waters as clear as a muddy puddle, let me start out your day with another edition of Quick Slants

-As a Patriots fan, I lead off with them. I honestly wish I could have sent a Polaroid of me posing in front of a roaring fireplace with various hunting trophies above the mantle, me puffing on a big cigar while giving a giant middle finger, then I would mail it to every ESPN analyst/journalist who wrote the Patriots off for dead, just because we lost 2 games against quality opponents. As Belichick said, “37 points against the best defense in the league, suck my dick.” Even with that being said, the overall style of this team hasn’t changed at all. Live and Die by the Offense, because the defense is being held together with Elmer’s Glue and Scotch Tape

-There are few things in life more enjoyable than arrogant douche bags failing miserably at what they are paid to do, then yell at other people for their ineptitude on national TV. Suffice to say, the Chargers standing at 4-5 and Phillip River’s utter futility this season makes me smile with unfathomable glee. It’s typical Norv Turner: Give him all the talent in the world, he will find a way to mis-manage and coach it completely incorrectly. Sadly, their division sucks SO bad that they are only one game out.

-Welp, the Bills early season explosion out of the gates is fizzling quicker than Rick Perry is in achieving the GOP nomination (Did anyone see him forget what he was going to say during a debate for a straight minute? That one goes in the “Awkward moments” Hall of Fame.) As this blogger so intelligently predicted week 3, the Bills defense absolutely sucks and teams are gashing them with a healthy blend of running and passing. They have also realized, “Oh, Fred Jackson is accounting for 45 % of their offense, if we stop him they probably won’t win.” It also doesn’t help that Leodis McKelvin and Drayton Florence have combined for 104 pass interference calls between them.

-Is there absolutely any doubt that Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback/MVP in the league right now? I have debated this issue extensively with my patriot homer friends who adamantly defend Tom Brady’s honor and angrily question my loyalty for daring to pick someone else. Look, I am as glad as ANYONE we have Tom Brady as our quarterback. He is fucking competitive as hell and talented to boot. But this season he has been forcing the issue a little bit, off on the throws he usually makes, and forcing balls into coverage when he should know better. At THIS CURRENT MOMENT, Aaron Rodgers is better. Period. Every single statistic, along with the advanced ones I’m too lazy to look up, will validate this. He is on pace to throw for 5200 yards, have a completion percentage of 73%, tie Tom Brady’s touchdown record at 50, and has only thrown 3 FUCKING INTERCEPTIONS. He is putting up these insane numbers without turning the balls over, which is ridiculous because it is a testament to how well he is throwing the ball. Not to mention he can throw on the move as well as anyone I have ever seen and even run when the situation calls for it. Sorry guys, this dude is in his prime and is taking over as the best QB in the league

-While we are giving our accolades, the winners of the “Most miserably failing to live up to pre-season hype award” goes to….the Philadelphia Eagles! Seriously, I was a little surprised at their 1-2 start, but I expected them to turn it around, despite their crappy defense. Instead, they have completely torpedoed their season through a combination of Mike Vick trying to do too much, a porous offensive line that resembles a wet Kleenex tissue, and jumping offside when it was apparent to everyone in the world that that was what the Giants were trying to do. These guys are not making the playoffs, and given what we have seen, it’s not all that surprising. Don’t worry, that huge megadeal you gave to Mike Vick after last season when you didn’t have to doesn’t look completely idiotic right now.

-Tim Tebow’s sole purpose in this life is make people pissed off and argue about him, and I think the sanctimonious bastard loves every second of it. Seriously, would anyone even give the Broncos a second look if it wasn’t for the “Tebow Effect?” He gives every critic amble ammo to rail on him: his throws are wobbly and soft, his footwork sucks, and he couldn’t hit water with a pass if he threw it off of a boat in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean…BUT he continues to win. His completely unorthodox style has kept defenses off balance and has allowed him some modicum of success through running the ball and making opportunistic throws in addition to leading fourth quarter comebacks. Absolutely baffling. I despised him in college because the media refused to stop blowing him, but now I find myself rooting for him because all the meat head media dickheads hate him. Plus, the objective of the game is to win, not fulfill some arbitrary notion of what the role of “Quarterback” entails, and thus far, he has done that.

-The NFC South is going to come down to either the Falcons or the Saints, but given the results of Sundays game, I’d say the Saints are coming out of that division. Their offense is still top tier in spite of a putrid defense, while the Falcons are actually an equally balanced football team. The Falcons looked like they had straightened things out before this Sunday, winning three games in a row while rookie Julio Jones was showing everyone why Atlanta sold their next 10 drafts to get him. But after Mike Smith’s terrible call to go for it on 4^th and inches on his OWN 29 YARD LINE IN OVERTIME, the Saints were given a nice early Christmas present and are now in charge in the division. That said, I still think the Falcons are a team that should be matched down the stretch, they have the players to make a late season run.

-I’m honestly really let down the Texans lost Matt Schaub for the rest of the season, because this FINALLY looked like the year they were going to not only make the playoffs, but make some noise when they got there. They had great offensive weapons in Owen Daniels, Arian Foster, Jacoby Jones, Ben Tate, and (when healthy) Andre Johnson, and Wade Phillips had COMPLETELY revamped what was the worst defense in the NFL just a season ago. Really bummed out, because I rooted for them every year to kick the Colts ass and bust Peyton’s arrogant, douchey face in, even if they got their ass kicked every time they played the colts. Oh well, if the Texans are going to fizzle/barely scrape out the division, at least the Colts are 0-10 (and Peyton has to watch every second of it. I am once again extremely happy)

-Teams that are irrelevant/too boring/one’s I don’t car enough about to write a huge entry on, so they will get a “blogger blurb,” which is more than they deserve: Bengals: young and promising, not quite there, Ravens: Maddeningly inconsistent, Flacco has regressed (fuck you, Joe, I hate the fact you occupy a roster spot on my fantasy team) Jaguars: Blaine Gabbert has a nice head of hair, Maurice Jones Drew still good Titans: Matt Hasselbeck has risen from the dead, Chris Johnson making his GM trash his office almost every week by rushing for 30 yards despite getting tens of millions of dollars. Browns: Colt McCoy is not the answer, receiving core awful, Peyton Hillis looks like a one hit wonder Vikings: Despite their awful record, I firmly believe Christian Ponder can succeed in this league, despite his bad numbers thus far. He’s faced the Packers twice, which sucks for him, but he is athletic, fast, and his a big arm and usually makes good reads for a young kid. Watch him in the future. 49ers: Apparently good, defense is quite solid, Patrick Willis is an absolute beast, I take back that middle finger I gave Frank Gore Week 3 (unless it was the reason he had 5 straight 100+ yard games, then it still stands) Giants: Fuck them and Eli’s dumb face, nothing to say about these dicks. Lions: Still much better than anyone expected, but appearing to be experiencing some growing pains, as most young teams do. Their 3 losses came against quality opponents (49ers, Bears, Falcons) so look for them to continue to excel down the stretch, especially with the Putrid Panthers up next Panthers: Cam Newton to Steve Smith is good, the rest of the team not so much.

-The Steelers look to be, along with the Patriots, the class of the AFC. Big Ben is playing at a ridiculously high level, and with the exception of their 2 losses against the bi-polar Ravens, have been dominant against the rest of the league. Big Ben has recovered from his early season struggles, with 3 touchdowns and 5 picks through the first 4 games, with a resurgent 13 touchdown passes and 4 picks over his next 6 games. He also remains fucking IMPOSSIBLE to sack, due to his massive wooly mammoth like frame and my firm believe he douses his entire body and uniform in Crisco before every game. Once they get back ALL of their linebackers, since 1 or 2 of them have been missing from a majority of their games, (Farrior, Woodley, and Harrison) they are going to be downright scary. Fucking A’, that last section made me throw up twice while writing it, once because it was praising the Steelers and second because our new pet cat shit all over the coach RIGHT NEXT TO ME while I was writing.

The Age Old Question: If You Could Have One Super Power, Which Would You Choose?

There are a lot of deep, philosophically complex questions we as human beings like to ask ourselves over the course of our lifetimes: what is our purpose here on earth, how do we solve current world problems, why does Ben Stiller only star in shitty movies ever since Meet the Parents. These are the questions that are pondered again and again, but no suitable answer ever emerges. However, there is one (in this bloggers opinion) issue that should be put to rest once and for all. We have all seen the myriad of Marvel movies over the past decade, so I put the tantalizing inquiry out there: Which super power would you most like to have? I’ll put forth some of the main options and debate pros/cons of each one. I’m not going to do ridiculously obscure or fucked up powers, like the ability to alter the fabric of reality or create alternate dimensions. It’s too trippy for this blog and frankly, the old standbys are the old standbys for a reason: everyone likes them. Im also limiting it strictly to super powers, not magical abilities, because I already know for a fact every person alive would be a wizard/witch like in Harry Potter in 2 seconds flat.

1.) Flight

As every chick Superman ever rescued knows, one of the quickest ways to get a girl ready hop in the sack is having the ability to fly. Going on a date to the movies? Hoist your girl up by the waist and soar the skies to the cinema. 100 bucks says she’s flinging her bra off before you even touch down in the parking lot. This would also be one of the most pragmatic abilities you could possibly have. No need for a car, insurance, increasingly expensive oil. That would leave a whole lot more cheddar in your bank account for more important things, like beer…and more beer. Then again, flying could get mighty chilly at those high altitudes and competing with those giant metal contraptions called planes could lead to some substantial injuries. Flying definitely has the WOW factor, but the novelty would wear off quickly as far as I’m concerned.

2.) Other-Worldly Speed

I’m not talking Usain Bolt speed (even though that would be freeking awesome, because he’s a straight human blur) This is like the little kid from The Incredibles type speed, like you can move so far that you can run across bodies of water and shit. You could be the worlds best thief ever. The second you laid your greedy little eyes on whatever tickled your fancy (money, clothes, illicit drugs) you would be in and out before your adversary even had time to blink. Even if you are some sort of moral paragon (AKA: sadly misguided asshat,) you could go anywhere the hell you wanted and it wouldn’t take any time at all. Just pack your shit and book it. Then again, if you ever hit any type of obstruction going at these top speeds, that would hurt like an absolute mother fucker. Like a newspaper stand or something in the city? What an awful way that would be to go out of life on. Even with the tantalizing cleptomania with damn near complete impunity from the law that this power would allow you, I’ll have to pass based on massive risk potential.

3.) Super-Human Strength

Essentially you become the Incredible Hulk, only without the whole “turning green, ripping your current outfit to shreds, and developing a severe anger problem” thing. This is a pretty tantalizing prospect, primarily because I’ve never been particularly big and the desire to hit people bigger than me has reached breaking point levels on numerous occasions. But even besides the obvious advantage you would have in any barfight/physical altercation, imagine the massive headaches you could avoid with a Herculean physique. Oh, the car battery died on you, forcing you onto the side of the highway in the dead of night? Fuck waiting two hours for Triple A to show up (P.S. This is my sidenote to vent and emphatically state Triple A waiting times are complete bullshit, take whatever time they give you on the phone and multiply by three. Great customer service, dickheads) You could just hoist that pile of shit Honda Civic you never should have bought and haul it right on home without breaking a sweat. However, this ability might lead to awkward questions during leisure time activities, like if you are playing an innocent game of catch with someone and all of a sudden you put the baseball right through your friends sternum. No amount of super human strength is saving you from that emergency room visit. This guy passes on the strength, though with some difficulty.

4.) Invisibility

For me, this is an absolute no doubter. Becoming invisible is the absolute best power you could possibly have. I mean, besides the power of “being a ridiculously amazingly super awesome blog writer,” but seeing as I already have that power, I need to choose a different one for the sake of avoiding redundancy. As if Harry Potter didn’t visibly demonstrate this in the first 7 books/ movies, as long as you don’t fuck up royally (like making a shit load of noise like he did) you can go anywhere and do ANYTHING you want. Basically like having the perks of super speed without the occupational hazard. Shoplifting? Easy as pie. Sneaking into a celebrities dressing room to see who they are nailing that night? Piece of cake (BOOM, two baked good references in one paragraph, didn’t think it possible, did you reader?) I think one of my favorite tasks with this power would be to sneak into my friends apartments/houses the night they happen to be watching a scary movie, and immediately after a shocking moment in the film, just wildly knock shit over in another room while making demonic noises. This practical joke is funny just by itself, but if you were invisible, absolutely no way in hell your friends get any sleep that night, as well as you just made them believe in paranormal bullshit that doesn’t exist for the rest of their pathetic lives. That’s what super powers are about to me. Not this saving the world stuff, that’s too much work. Super powers are about making life incredibly easy or having unlimited ability to fuck with people. For my money, it’s got to be going having invisibility.