Worker Urinates on all the Hot Women In the Office's Chairs

Her chair definitely was not peed on.

West Des Moines police are investigating whether criminal charges are warranted in the case of a Farm Bureau employee behaving badly. A Farm Bureau vice president told authorities that one of the agency’s employees had been caught on video urinating on the office chairs of four female co-workers. The suspect, a 59-year-old man from Des Moines, was fired Monday, the same day police were informed of the incident at 5400 University Ave. Police documents said the man would look up employee photos in the database. He “would pick out the attractive females and then on off-hours, he would come into work, go to their desk and urinate on their chairs.”

Let's get one thing straight, the hot girls in this office are going to be just fine. Yes it may be a bit creepy, but at the end of the day, they were just getting hit on.  Hot girls have been getting hit on since they were teenagers, they've undoubtedly dealt with their fair share of creeps and know how to handle it at this point. It just comes with the territory when you're a hot female. 

The real damage here is to the uggo's of the office. How low is your self-esteem when you find out your chair wasn't even piss-worthy? Your year is just ruined. This isn't not getting hit on at the food court in the mall as a teenager, that probably sucked, but was explainable, you're ugly. This is some absolute creepo deciding that your office furniture isn't worthy of his anonymous urine, strictly based on your looks. 

I'd be shocked if these woman don't need psychiatric counseling after this...If the males in that office have any heart at all, they'll swing by all the ugly chick's desks tonight and take a quick piss, if only for office productivity reasons.

I Find it Astounding That there are People Who Fundamentally Don't Understand the Lottery

So yesterday at work I was involved in a classic e-mail chain regarding what else, tonight's Mega Millions drawing. The basic issue at hand, two of our friends just straight up don't understand how the lottery works. It blows my mind.

Lets give you a little background, I have one friend, we'll call him Dr. Jack and he may or may not occasionally write TV related blogs here, who I heard second hand asked "where does one buy lottery tickets." Ok, that's issue one.

I have another friend, formerly one time co-blogger pennypacker, who basically admitted to having no idea that, A) the lottery was at a record high, and  B) How a lottery works.  Sample questions:

oh ... ah I'm good, when is the drawing anyway?  is this a ma lottery or national

i always wonder what the tipping point is on these thing ... the lotto will be at $400 mil and no one will buy and it will get to like $450 mil, the news will call it the biggest ever and then everyone buys ... weird dynamic

AND

is there definitely a winner for this thing?  I'm really not too familiar but dont think there's always a winner

AND

But can u choose you numbers?

Those are all direct quotes. DIRECT QUOTES.

It got me thinking about which stance was more absurd. I'm fairly certain it's a dead heat.

On the one hand, "Dr. Jack" only presents one issue, not knowing where to buy tickets, while friend B, has a whole host of issues going on, but...

I kinda feel like Friend B just might be yanking my chain? Like any kid that's been to Chuckee Cheese knows how the lottery works after playing that game where you drop a token in and hope yours pushes all the others over the edge, you learn that around the age of 6. And then there's slot machines, which whether you play them or not, if you have an IQ above 80 you know the idea behind them. 

Dr. Jack on the other hand is crazy.  I've known where to buy lottery tickets since i was 8? Maybe even 6? I'd wager that you can't walk 3 blocks in any direction in the city without crossing at least one place where you can buy tickets. Not having played before is one thing, but the idea that you've never once noticed people buying lottery tickets while you were in a convenience store, just blows my mind.

Don't get me wrong, I ridiculed Friend B mercilessly yesterday. He's a relatively smart kid (or so I thought) just apparently lacking any general knowledge of the operational workings for how a lottery works.  But I think Dr. Jack still takes the cake. The level of oblivion involved in not knowing where to buy a lottery ticket is flat out impressive. That's over two decades of oblivion. 

Feel free to weigh in, but my stance is pretty clear...not knowing where to buy a ticket is WAY more of an unbelievable phenomenon than Friend B's utter ignorance of the lottery. 

How Fast Would You Change Places with Hurley from Lost to Win Tonight's Mega Millions?

Remember Hurley? Always bitching and moaning about all the bad luck he had after winning a near record lottery? I'd take that bad luck in an overly obese man's heartbeat. Seriously man, quit your bitching.

I've never understood all these "curse of the lottery" articles that come out every time Powerball or Mega Millions hits an absurd number. CNN and Fox News acting like mega rich lottery winners are the only ones with tragedy in their lives, and all the money in the world couldn't buy them happiness.

Well maybe it can't, and maybe getting stuck on Lost Island for a few televisions season sucked, but you know who else thought it sucked, all the other people from Lost WHO WEREN'T MILLIONAIRES...Yea, it's not like Hurley was the only one stuck on that island, or the only one who had a little bit of bad fortune back home. But you know what the difference was? The rest of them would all have to go back to every day grinds back home, earning their paychecks, Hurley would still be a mega-millionaire. 

Same shit applies in real life. I'm so tired of reading these sob stories about people who win the lottery. EVERYONE HAS PROBLEMS. Maybe money can't buy you happiness, but it for sure helps you handle problems along the way. Plenty of people experience tragedy every day that haven't won the lottery, I don't see any news stories popping up about the curse of not winning Mega-Millions though.  It's like I'm living in a bizarro world where I'm supposed to feel sympathy for some truck driver who won a whole new life he could have never in a million years experienced based on his career and educational choices, just because there were a few deaths in the family, or a few lawsuits came his way. Big fucking whoop, that shit happens every day to everyone, they'd gladly change places to have it happening while also having North of $100MM lying around in their checkbook, that's for damn sure.

What Would I Do If I Won Tonight's Mega Millions?

Since everyone else is weighing in with what they'd do with the winnings they're not going to win, I figured I'd put in my two cents.

I'd do nothing. Yea, I'd do the obvious things, buy a couple houses, a new car or two, vacation all over the place, and maybe pay E! to take the Kardashians off air once and for all, but by and large I'd do nothing.

 That's what I live for. I spend every day rushing through everything I have to do, all in hopes of having a few more minutes during the work day to slack off, or an extra half hour at night on the couch with the DVR. My ultimate goal is to just have nothing to do, and the only feasible way I see that being possible is buy having over half a billion dollars handed to you for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

And before anyone gets this really depressed image of me, it's  not like that. I like doing things, I look forward to things I want to do. I just abhor things I have to do. Even simple things like laundry, or unloading the dishwasher...I may be the fastest non-mexican dishwasher you'll ever see. I power my way through that, because every second I waste scrubbing pasta sauce off a plate, is a second I die a little in side, it's one less second I could be spending just vegging out, doing nothing.

So that's what I'd  do. All these people with wild business ideas, charitable ideas, all this other crap, they're crazy. I'd use the money to live the lifestyle I've always wanted, a lifestyle of no responsibilities, no where to be, and no one to answer to. A man can dream.

Giving the 1996 Umass, Coach Cal v. Rick Pitino and Kentucky Final Four It's Just Due

It did happen, stop pretending like it didnt.

Since ESPN is blatantly ignoring the fact that these two met each other in a Final Four once before (seriously, try to find a mention of it on ESPN. Even the article entirely devoted to tracking their career arcs, mentions that Calipari coached UMASS to the Final Four in 1996 and Kentucky won the Championship in 96, yet does not mention that they played eachother) I figured I'd make mention, I mean I know that it "didn't happen", and yet in a very real way, it totally happened. 

And it's basically the reason I'll Ride or Die with Coach Cal for life, it's the reason I never really trusted Pitino when he came to the Celtics (which was backed up shortly thereafter when he cost the franchise a decade of wallowing).  Coach Cal brought THE home team to prominence right during the stretch of time where my rooting allegiances were forming...My favorite players, teams, and coaches in any sport from that general stretch of time (91-96 when I was ages 7-12) are still by and large my favorite players, teams and coaches. It's that magical time for a sports fan, you're old enough to comprehend the game and the rooting alliances as a fan, and yet everything still seems so pure and magical to you. 

That's why a lot of people don't necessarily understand my allegiance to Coach Cal...through the Final Fours being vacated and the countless accusations and media vitriol against him, I stayed with him.  Those Refuse to Lose UMASS teams literally shaped my idea of what college basketball should look like. Dana Dingle, Padilla and Travieso, Camby, Lou Roe (yes he wasn't a part of the 96 team, but he was easily the most important player for UMASS during Calipari's time), Donta Bright...these guys were it for me, it was and still is by far the coolest basketball team ever to me, the Fab Five can suck on that.  Hell, one of the most devastating moments as a youth sports fan came for me when the 96 team lost their undefeated season to George Washington, I was inconsolable, that's how much this team meant to me.  And the man behind it all was Calipari. Sure the program was ruined with the finding that Camby had accepted money NBA agents while still in college, but it doesn't kill the memory for me. If it weren't for Coach Cal and his ability to recruit and coach those teams who knows who I would have grown up rooting for BC? HURHGHH, I just dry heaved. Can you imagine your youth basketball perception being shaped by a flex-offense driven team, content to score 60 points a game. Gross. 

So yes, I'll be rooting for Calipari this weekend, and in a strange, maybe delusional way, I'll see a Kentucky victory as a victory for UMASS, a coming full circle type event. Calipari is the one with the team loaded with NBA talent this time around, Pitino the one who did a phenomenal coaching job just to get his team to this point. Lets hope history repeats itself. 

And for anyone feeling a bit nostalgic, here's a where are they now piece about the 96 team. Yea it's from 2006, but its still a treasure trove of memories...And yes, Padilla and Travieso are still best friends, thank god.

REJOICE, Ron Burgundy Announces Anchorman 2!

Wow! This announcement is causing, uhh, pleating in my pants, is, uh, causing a bit of an illusion here. It's not me, its the pleating.

I honestly couldn't be more excited. In my opinion Anchorman was easily the most quotable movie of the 2000's...more so than Superbad, Knocked Up, The Hangover, Wedding Crashers, The Breakup, Pineapple Express, Old School, and narrowly, narrowly edging out The 40 Year Old Virgin. And honestly, that's all I look for in a comedy, can I carry out entire 10 minute conversations with my friends in just movie quotes? That's it, if the answer is yes, the movie has done their job. 

That's why a part of me wishes they'd just release the DVD in conjunction with the theatrical release, I'd love to get a jump start on memorizing the script line for line, like right away. It's always awkward those first few weeks after a movie is released when people are running around quoting lines, but not quite getting the quotes right, and then 6 months later when the DVD is released and you've all watched it you end up with that awkward, "shit, so all those times we laughed at that line for the last half year, it was just made up?" I mean there was a year long period where two of my friends attempted to quote the Joker from Batman, and then the DVD came out and everyone thought they were idiots. Didn't get a single line right...Sure they had the main points, like "A Year Ago," and "you look nervous," but they couldn't have been more wrong about the rest of the words that made up the sentences...which was hilarious in it's own right. 

So please, in order to avoid months and months of incorrect quotes, please just send me a pre-release DVD, I'm basically a member of the writers guild  at this point, right?

All Those MBTA Fare and Service Cut Protests and Town Meetings? Over a Measly 30 Cents Per Ride.

BOSTON (AP) - Bus and subway fares would rise an average 23 percent and there would be some reductions in service as part of final recommendations outlined Wednesday by MBTA officials to close a deficit in the debt-ridden Boston-area transit system. The changes called for under the plan would be less drastic than earlier scenarios that projected fare hikes of up to 43 percent and more extensive service cuts...Under the plan, bus fares for passengers using Charlie Cards would rise from the current $1.25 to $1.50, and subway fares would jump from $1.70 to $2 dollars.

PHEWWW...Great job guys, good thing we went through MONTHS of public meetings and demonstrations to decide on a miniscule 23% fare increase so that the service you all depend on so much could remain solvent. I'm sure everyone feels that was worth their time...It's .30 cents a ride! I literally just went over to my coat pocket to see if I had 30 cents floating around...Yup.

I'm just glad no one got really crazy, like adults dressing up in made up superhero costumes they may or may not have crafted together during one zany afternoon at Michaels Arts and Crafts...Oh wait...

Fast Five superheroes shake up MBTA meeting: MyFoxBOSTON.com

Yea, that'll get the job done, if there's one thing everyone knows the government responds to its people with well informed opinions dressed in children's costumes...

By far my favorite part of this entire charade came a couple of weeks ago when, after all the scheduled town meetings had concluded, the President (or GM, whatever his title is) of the MBTA came out and said basically, "Hey, we appreciate your opinions, but cuts and fare hikes are going to happen, they're necessary." 

HA. That was fantastic, because it was a reality check for some of these people. Guys, the MBTA it needs more money. Typically, business in high demand earn more money by RAISING PRICES. It's economics. No amount of middle aged schmo's wearing spandex is going to change that. This was a poorly managed organization for well over a decade, they were saddled with additional debt from the most bloated public works project of all time, and now they need to figure out a way to pay it back. Yes some of it should come from a larger portion of tax funds being diverted to the MBTA, but a good portion should be on the consumers, its riders. Its only fair.

So again, I'd like to thank everyone for their time, hours of discussion and reading material for myself and my co-workers, and great job fighting that $.30 increase. Job well done.

Frank McCourt is Literally "LMAO'ing" At Everyone Buying Lottery Tix After He Sold the Dodgers for $2 Billion

So I woke up today to a couple of MIND BLOWING financial figures. The first, Mega-Millions has reached a mind boggling $476 million dollar jackpot, and if you don't think I'm taking the next two days off from work and just hopping in my car and buying quick picks along every exit of I-95, state to state, you're out of your mind. I'm pretty sure I could literally heat my house by burning $100 bills and not have a care in the world with that kind of money, its pretty insane. 

That does NOT look like a $300 a day hair cut

But secondly, Frank McCourt, the disgraced owner of the Los Angeles Dodgers, sold the team for a sports franchise record $2 BILLION last night. 2 BILLION! This guy just went from over $500 million in debt, to a certified billionaire over night. This gigantic asshole who used to pay $300 a day for haircuts, who ran a very proud franchise into the ground and had to borrow money just to stay afloat, is once again a VERY Rich man...Mind you he bought the team for just over $430 million eight years ago, meaning the team grossed him a return of roughly 465%! That's gotta be some kind of business deal record, no? Can we get Darren Rovell to drop whatever he's doing (presumably tweeting facts about sports jersey sales) and research this? And more importantly, can we get Frank McCourt to sign some kind of clause that says he can't be an asshole with his money this time around?

For some reason it just absolutely kills me to know that this guy, who was SO bad at owning and running his franchise, has somehow been rewarded with a financial windfall that makes this record breaking lottery jackpot seem like loose change under the sofa. I'm hardly a 99%er as my blogging history would easily demonstrate, but that just doesn't seem right. This is a guy who essentially did nothing right since 2004 and is some how walking away filthy rich. Just like I said at the outset, I've got nothing else to say except its mind boggling.

8 Year Old Captures House Burglar Using Ipad, Thinks He's Real Life Kevin McCallister Now

HuffPo - A burglar allegedly responsible for multiple break-ins was outsmarted last week by an 8-year-old boy. Third-grader Landon Crabtree used a tracking device application he'd downloaded to find an iPad and other possessions recently stolen from his family's home in Manchester, Tenn. He activated the app from a computer in his house and it revealed that the pilfered iPad was at a nearby motel, the Tennessean reported. "You don't mess with our family," said Landon, who wants to be an FBI agent when he grows up, according to WTVF. 

Fricken kids these days, everything is just handed to them, everything's so simple. Here this kid is thinking he's some kind of crime fighting wunderkind all because he flicked a toggle switch and activated some app on his Ipad...pfffft. Yea, congrats on getting your family's stuff back kid, but slow ya roll with that "You don't mess with our family," stuff. You're no Kevin McCallister. 

Kevin handle his shit like a man, he didn't have google and modern tablet technology, he didn't run to the cops, and he certainly didn't have mom and dad help him out. None of that stopped him from building the most elaborate and diabolical booby traps this side of Mouse Trap and taking down the Sticky (formerly known as Wet) bandits, not once, but twice.  

That's a bit more of an accomplishment than some kid taking a five minute break from Angry Birds and geo-tracking some idiot robber from the comfort of his couch. I mean, what did that take you, all of 4 minutes? Probably had it neatly wrapped up during a Sponge Bob commercial break.

PS: I will say this though, this kids Facebook creeping skills are going to be off the charts.

Breaking News: Jessica Simpson "Wants to Get Back In Shape."

Hey Jess- You want to get back in shape? You could start by delivering what is surely by now a toddler aged baby you've got squatting in your womb, that should help shed some serious L-B's right there.

But in all seriousness Jess, for the sake of the blogosphere, you've gotta have that baby, and you've gotta have that now. Not a day goes by that I don't open twitter, facebook, or browse one of my daily blogs where someone isn't making a joke about your outhouse sized stature. This is my 3rd blog about it. THIRD! (here, here) And it's  not because I want to, its that I physically and mentally cannot move on until this circus side show you've got going on is over. 

So I'm begging you, for the productivity of this blog, my twitter feed, and everyone else's sanity, either give birth or take some pepto-bismol and digest those two Christmas Hams you've been hanging on to for the last year.  The speculation is literally killing us.

January Jones Eats her Placenta?

Yahoo - Most mammals eat their own placenta after giving birth and according to "Mad Men's" January Jones, more women should try ingesting their offspring's afterbirth as well. Speaking at a press junket before the show's season premiere, the actress told People magazine that she pops a dehydrated placenta capsule when she's feeling tired or blue. "Its not witch-crafty or anything, I suggest it to all moms!" Jones enthused. Since the 34 year-old single mom was able to return to the set about seven weeks after her son Xander was born, her controversial elixir may be working. There is little scientific evidence to show any benefits to eating placenta, but advocates say that it helps increase milk flow and ease post-partum depression. Speaking with the BBC, obstetrician Maggie Blott explained, "Animals eat their placenta to get nutrition--but when people are already well-nourished, there is no benefit, there is no reason to do it."

"There is little scientific evidence to show any benefits to eating placenta." Yea, but I'm sure there's heaps of evidence that show "eating placenta is the single grossest thing, ever." Honestly, sometimes the internet just gives you something you can't un-see or un-read. This is just one of those times. I didn't want to share this with all of you, but I also didn't want to be the only one thinking about this.

Women eat their after-birth. Just think about that. Not even fried, either. Someone just dry's the gooey-ness off, dehydrates it like a piece of fruit, and then they munch on it. Munching on a fleshy blob thing that exited their vagina during birth. I just dry heaved a couple of times.

I don't even like the word "placenta." I gag about 50% of the time I hear it as it is, never mind when I just google imaged it to see exactly how gross of a thing we're talking about (just take my word for it, you don't want to see it). I'm not sure how any human being of sane mind could eat this, and I'm not sure what great conclusion there is for me to draw here...actually there isn't one. Like I said, I just really didn't want to be alone in knowing about this.

So there you go, now all of you  know, some women eat their placenta.

PS: Plural of placenta? Placenta's? Placentae? Can I get a ruling here?

I Just Don't Get The Mad Men Phenomenon

CNN -- After a 17-month absence, a heavy marketing campaign and a flood of adoring publicity, TV's most critically acclaimed drama returned Sunday night to record ratings. The fifth-season debut of AMC's "Mad Men" delivered 3.5 million viewers for its two-hour premiere. That's up 21 percent from 2010′s fourth-season premiere, which marked the show's previous all-time high. Of those viewers, about 1.6 million were adults 18-49. The fourth season averaged about 2.4 million viewers, including DVR playback. "Mad Men's" first season averaged about 925,000 viewers.

Can I be honest? I just don't get Mad Men. Never watched an episode, never had the slightest inkling to, either. I don't know what it is. I mean it's a cultural phenomenon, Boston.Com is writing about Mad Men parties where a bunch of people dressed up like 1960's ad executives for the premier, not unlike super-dorks who dress up for Harry Potter and every single comic book movie release, critics bombarding the internet gushing about how great it is that it's back...and yet, none of this convinces me I should be watching the show. 

There's just this huge disconnect between how much people rave about the show, and actually listening to them try to describe why the show is so fantastic. It just doesn't line up, it sounds terribly boring, which I'm sure just knocked a fair number of you reading this on your asses. "He called Mad Men Boring! How Dare HE!" But yes, the way you people describe the show is boring. The commercials? BORING. I can appreciate the idea that you get wrapped up in the characters and underlying story lines maybe, but I question how anyone started watching to begin with? What was so relateable or interesting about ad executives from 40-50 years ago? That's what I've never been able to get my head around. 

So I'm going to continue on with my head in the sand I guess. If someone ever comes up with a plausible reason or explanation as to why I'm missing out and should be watching the show, I'll give it a chance, but lets just say I'm not holding my breath. 

PS: after discussing this yesterday via e-mail chain I came to find out that two of my friends also have never watched Mad Men...Could it be that I'm not alone? Could this be one of those things where a very loud and vocal minority are opining about this shows greatness and the rest of us are just nodding along in agreement in fear of standing out from the crowd? God knows I've done it. I've been in situations where people were talking about the show and didn't want to volunteer the fact that I don't watch it, lest I be outcast from the conversation, so I just smiled and nodded, took my cues when to laugh and agree...is that what everyone else is doing, too?

Anyone Else Think Erin Andrews Must Hate Maria Menounos?

BleacherReport - As most will know by now, it was officially announced last week that celebrity Maria Menounos, host of NBC's showbiz recap show Extra, would team with Kelly Kelly to take on the heel duo of Beth Phoenix (the current WWE Divas Champion) and Eve Torres at this year's WrestleMania. For one thing, it's a relatively high-profile match, coming at a time when WWE's women's division is more neglected and badly booked than ever (despite being Divas Champion, Phoenix has only made a handful of appearances on Raw and Smackdown in recent months and many fans have forgotten she's even champion). There's also the fact that Menounos, while not a wrestler, will likely manage to deliver a decent and respectable performance during the tag match. You see, Menounos, a lifelong fan of WWE, has experience in wrestling, having gotten into the ring twice before for the company.

Erin Andrews has to hate Maria Menounos, right? Must stay up late plotting ways to take her out, because if ever there has been a more natural rivalry in the field of glamourous but unecessary woman reporters, this is it.

There's no real difference between them, a couple of good looking girls who presumably have communication degrees, except one gained mainstream acceptance without a much publicized nude video, and the other didn't, and that's gotta kill Erin. She spent years languishing on sports sidelines, asking about pulled groins and sprained appendages, taking smug answers from coaches at halftime, praying that we'd see her as anything different than just another pretty sideline reporter...Wasn't until everyone caught site of her peep-hole video that she finally gained mainstream acceptance, national commercials, Dancing with the Stars, etc, etc...Safe to say her career has taken off from that point.

Maria on the other hand, I don't even know why she's famous. She's a host on E! maybe? I think I've seen her OnDemand listing the weeks movie releases? I honestly don't know. And yet here she is, making WWE apperances, Dancing With the Stars, and all in all being one of the "it" girls right now. All without even showing us a hint of side boob.

That's gotta tear right at Erin Andrews. Yea she's successful now, has more opportunities than being spit on by furious coaches at halftime and snooping around trainers rooms for updates, but still...In the back of her head she's gotta know that part of her fame is because of her sex appeal, and if there is one thing I know about professional woman in the entertainment industry its that they like to pretend their looks don't matter, even though they totally do. And for most of them, they can get away with denying it, but then again most of them don't have a video in which we've seen them nude which serves as a perfect point of inflection for when their career jumped off.  So while she's dealing with that on her conscience, Maria's off in la-la land happily pretending that her fame has more to do with her bubble personality and ability to read off of cue cards than anything to do with her looks. Ignorance is bliss.

What I Learned Yesterday: Tim Tebow is Really, REALLY Excited to be a Jet

Jesus H Tebow. You'd think the reporters asked something like, "Tim, We hear You're Excited to be a Jet, Can You Expound On That a Bit?" And off he went.

Is there something about being a hardcore member of the God-squad that makes you this delusional? Bro, what are you excited about? You're a back up quarterback who just completed less than 50% of your passes last season. You're being brought into run the wildcat and goal line packages after insisting you're starting quarterback. Your new head coach and his wife are into filming kinky shit involving her feet, which, while I don't think there's anything in the Bible about foot fornication, I'd imagine its frowned upon.

Your new team just straight up fell apart last year, and at the end, just about every member of the team was taking "anonymous" shots at the very mediocre quarterback you've been brought in to backup. Now I know you think that's a good thing, you think that gives you a chance to start at some point in the future, and maybe it does...But do you really want it? Do you really want to start for a team that would sell out its leader so quickly? I mean, Santonio Holmes out Judas'd Judas, last year. Sold Mark Sanchez straight down the river. Judas got a few sheckels for his betrayal, Holmes got some media airtime. And that's without even mentioning the media...Sure they love you now, but once they figure out you're not really The Messiah, they're going to turn on you. You don't gotta walk on water and whatnot, but you're definitely going to need a 100% goal line conversion rate to impress these people.

I just don't get it, I just don't get it. As a Pats fan I still love it, and as a fan of the absurd I honestly can't wait, but it still leaves me scratching my head. You can't be this positive dude. You can't honestly think this is a good situation you're walking into.

Colorado Easter Egg Hunt Cancelled Due to Aggressive Parents

COLORADO SPRINGS – The children of one Colorado town will miss out on their annual Easter Egg hunt in a local park this year after the event was cancelled due to parents getting "too aggressive" at last year's event. "It's sort of got out of hand," said Dave Van Ness, executive director for the Old Colorado City Associates. Hundreds of parents reportedly jumped over ropes into a kids-only section of the hunt to ensure their kids got as many eggs as possible. Their actions caused the hunt to be over in seconds, to the dismay of egg-less children and their parents.

First off, lets just pump the breaks on call this even a "hunt." A hunt implies tracking and searching, those eggs were just laid out in the middle of the lawn, if your kids aren't able to track down a few fluorescent and pastel colored eggs in the middle of a taped off lawn, then you've probably got bigger things to worry about.

Secondly, quitting is not the answer here. The answer is adult aged easter egg hunts, Hunger Games Style.

Look, this issue isn't going to go away. As more and more people from my generation have kids, its only going to get worse. We're the first batch of children raised by "helicopter parents." We're hardwired to believe we're entitled to anything we want. It's encoded in our DNA, just like the lion knows to tackle the gazelle, you toss out some easter eggs onto a lawn, Generation Y adults are going to race to gather them. It's genetics.

There's no fighting it. I'm the oldest of three children, meaning Easter egg hunts went on long after the idea of some minimum wage worker in a gigantic bunny costume breaking into my house at night and hiding plastic eggs full of nickels and quarters without robbing us was believable. Did that mean I let my younger siblings win? Hell no. I raced around the house like a mad man...I pushed them out of the way when I had to, sometimes my parents restrained me, which infuriated me to no end. Bottom line, you tell me there's an egg hidden in the house, I'm going to be the one to find it, god help whoever gets in my way. 

Which brings me back to my proposal...Why not just start having adult Easter egg hunts on town lawns and playgrounds? Just a once a year break for us adults trying to move on to regular adulthood, but who also need an escape once a year. Just lock us into some school yard, hide a ton of eggs, no ground rules, gates open at sundown, whoever survives, survives (and I don't doubt for a second that there would be some casualties).

Most Racially Spot On Children's Toys, Ever?

Wow...Talk about hitting the nail on the head. You've got Grandma and Grandpa wearing perfect replicas of that old white person style, a little bit of leisure, comfort, and sensibility all rolled into a singular outfit.  I have no idea where you'd even go to put together your typical grandparent outfit, I'm guessing its something the AARP notifies you of once you hit a certain age.

Mom and Dad just doing their thing in their slightly authority-like clothes (though mom should probably be in mom jeans, kind of an oversight).

And the children, stereo-typical white kid prepsters. The overachieving daughter with her form fitting sweater and her headband that gives her a slight air of "stuckuppedness," the son who dresses like Seth Cohen due to way to many hours of prime time TV watching in which every teenager is dressed like they're in the middle of a Sears Catalog fashion shoot, and the two babies, apparently wearing bed time gear...Because even when playing make believe, you just want your kids to shut up and go to bed I guess.

And it doesn't just end with "White Family," either. Block Play People are nothing if not in favor of the old Separate but Equal laws of the old south...Just look:

My only puzzlement is the native American Family...Because if my white guilt laden middle school social studies classes taught me anything its that Native Americans don't exist anymore.

Best Basketball Flop You'll See Today

"DOWN GOES IGOR"

How long until Chris Paul incorporates this flop into his game? Guy is probably at home studying the tape right now...Lob City? More like FLOP City. (Heyyoooo)

What Did Randy Jackson Wear?

 

I mean, I'm not happy about this ensemble, that's for sure. It's sucking the life right out of the blog. Yea it follows this years theme of "Plural Tones," but its more like "subtle plurality." 

I didn't think it was possible for a multi-colored tie to be so dull, it flat out sucks. 

The pink watch is hot, though. And it helps settle an internal debate I've been have for a few weeks about whether or not middle age, slightly overweight, very much out of touch, black men can accessorize in pink..."DAWG, YOU JUST KILLED THAT."

Tebow, Saints, and Patriots Free Agents: A Crazy Day of Football

Has the dust settled? Is it safe to comment on this stuff or are we still in a fluid process? I left my office for lunch yesterday, popped open twitter and discovered that ALL HELL HAD BROKEN LOOSE.

1. My Prayer Was Answered - Now I just have to figure out if it was Tebow or God that answered...I kid, relax Catholics.  In all seriousness though, I'm soooo excited for this. As a Pats fan, it titillates me, Sanchez looking over his shoulder every third and short, hearing the TEEBBBOOOOWWWWW every single time the Jets punt, and being only the second best looking QB in New York.  

I can't wait for the first time some wise ass reporter asks Tebow about the Bible's stance on husbands filming their wives feet getting fucked, Antonio Cromartie and Tebow debating the virtues between pulling out and abstinence, Plax getting Tebow confused with the jail house Pastor from his 2 year stretch in Sing-Sing, or the first time Sanchez shows up to the post game party with some barely legal girl looking to get stuffed. It's going to be hilarious. If you subscribe to HBO and you aren't writing to them threatening to cancel if they don't run another season with the Jets for Hard Knocks then you've just given up on your Patriotic duty. 

2. The Saints, and More Specifically, Sean Payton, Just got Reamed - Jesus H. What the hell was that? Look, I get that something had to be done. Everyone assumed a couple of draft picks, some fines, and maybe some short suspensions for the coach...but a one year ban for the head coach? That doesn't strike anyone as outlandish?

All I heard yesterday was holier than thou talking heads spouting off about how it was deserved and good for the league for taking this stance...Are these guys watching the same sport I am? The same sport that celebrates huge hits? The same sport that labels finesse and speed teams as "soft," and praises physical, aggressive teams by saying laudatory things like "they'll punch you in the mouth," and meaning it in a good way?

And before anyone accuses me of being out of touch with reality, I get it. I get that you cant go around paying players for causing injuries. As a fan I never root for a player to be seriously maimed (except when the Pats are losing and I think it'll help, of course), so its not like I'm sitting here trying to defend the Saints, not at all. 

It's just, do you really think no one else was doing this? I mean a years suspension for the head coach? When in all likelihood there were at least a handful of teams doing this, if not necessarily this past year, then in the last decade? Is this not just like when the Pats got busted for "Spygate" and various coaches and players from past teams came out said, "So What,  we used to do this too?" Obviously no one is going to come out now and rat out their teammates and coaches after seeing these outrageous penalties come down, but I'd gaurantee there were players and coaches around the league yesterday who privately were scambling to cover any tracks they may have left regarding their own bounty programs. 

3. Patriot's Free Agents Getting Gobbled Up Left and Right - Which I'll assume will lead to the Boston sports radio programs being intolerable to listen to today as always. I'll say this, the team will probably miss BJGE and Mark Anderson, but I get them not paying for them, that was probably the right move. 

If I had to pick one to bitch about losing just a little bit, it'd be Mark Anderson. The guy was a standout last year. And yes, this is what you expect to happen when you sign a low risk, high reward player to a one year contract, if you get that high reward, they're going to expect to be paid for it after the fact, I'm sure the Pats knew the rules of the game. It's just, This Guy Was a Standout Last Year! Can he replicate it? We'll see, but I'd guess yes. He's not quite an every down player, but on obvious passing downs he was a helluva weapon last year, and a weapon the team is now going to need to replace (along with the 4 year running annual search for some competent defensive backs). I just think if you have a simple in-house solution, you take it. That's all. Doesn't help that you'll also now face him twice a year on the Bills, who also signed Mario Williams this year...

As for BGJE, good for him. Undrafted free agent who worked his way into a starting job and a nice free agent contract. Always worked hard, I never heard a peep about him, never fumbled. Do I think the Pats can replace him? Absolutely. Do I think EEI, the Globe, The Herald, and the Sportshub will have a field day the first time a Patriots running back fumbles next year? You betcha.

What Did Randy Jackson Wear

Honestly, I can't hate on this. I'm not black, so I could never really pull it off myself, but that wouldn't necessarily stop me from mistakenly buying this ensemble under the delusion that it might look good on me. It wouldn't happen now, while I'm all pale and gross from the winter, but lets say mid-summer. I'd have a nice tan by then, and I'd probably think, "hey, I'm dark, I can get away with this."

And then it would sit in the far back corner of my closet forever. 

If you missed any of Randy's previous "Plural Tone" offerings this year, you can find them here, and here.

Who Sleeps At An Amusement Park?

What a freaking baby. Sack up kid, damn. Maybe you do need your ass pushed around in that kiddie stroller instead of walking around like a typical 8 or 9 year older. You don't come crying for your mom's bosom, the way I see it you have two options here:

1. Shock and disbelief followed by laughing it off...Like, "Hahaha, very funny, good one mom and dad," all the while thinking "I'll remember this when it comes time to put you in a home."

2. Throw a shit-fit temper tantrum - A little kid classic, yes there's crying involved, but its not "mom I have a wet diaper," crying, its "I hate you and you're lucky I'm not calling DSS," crying, coupled with primal groans and gutteral screams, which we all know represent curse words in little kid language.  Hell, drop a fuck bomb if you're really that upset. That'll really get 'em, leave your parents thinking that this one traumatic moment snapped their precious little kid into a hellion, with a future life of hookers and drugs, swearing and crime. They'll pamper your ass the rest of the day. 

 

The Situation Checks into Rehab...Yawn.

TMZ - "The Situation" is in rehab for substance abuse ... TMZ has learned. Sources tell TMZ the "Jersey Shore" star -- aka Mike Sorrentino -- has checked into an inpatient treatment program. A rep for the Situation just contacted TMZ to say they are not confirming that Mike is in rehab ... just that he "has spent the past several weeks at an undisclosed location for much needed rest and recuperation after his extensive production and appearance schedule."

File this under least shocking news ever...The guy is nearly 30 and spends his nights in "da club" from 12-4 AM...Of course he's using performance enhancing drugs...Have you seen the Jersey Shore? These guys go out, come back cook a full on meal, and go to bed, basically when I'm waking up every day...Those aren't normal hours, obviously something is up. And frankly, I don't think I want to watch if performance enhancers (cocaine, I assume) are taken out of the equation. It would be like if Major League Baseball ever took getting rid of HGH and steroids seriously. The game would be boring as shit, no more homeruns, 3-2 games all over the place. Who would watch?

The same thing with the Jersey Shore...You know what the Jersey Shore is without performance enhancers? A bunch of skinny (no more steroids) overly tan guidos sitting on couches because they're tired.  Think about it, for those of you who work full time, how many times in the last year have you raged on a Friday night? A handful? Most times you grab some dinner, maybe a drink or two, and then flop on the couch, right? Is that primetime TV? Hell no. 

MLB needs steroids and the Sitch needs whatever it is he's been taking (probably cocaine). I know it's not healthy, I know it's a serious problem, but he's basically being paid $5 Million a year to put up with it, its a pretty fair trade off.

 

Missippi State Students Chant "Where's Your Green Card" To US Citizen.

HATTIESBURG, Miss. – Southern Mississippi has revoked the scholarships of five members of its pep band who took part in the heckling of a Kansas State basketball player at last Thursday's NCAA men's basketball tournament game. Southern Miss issued an apology last week to Kansas State point guard Angel Rodriguez after he was the target of chants of "Where's your green card?" during the Wildcats' 70-64 second-round victory in the NCAA tournament. Rodriguez had 13 points and four assists in the game that was played in Pittsburgh...Rodriguez said last week that he accepted the apology because "there's ignorant people and I know that's not how they want to represent their university." Rodriguez said he doesn't pay attention to that "nonsense, especially because Puerto Rico is a commonwealth, so we don't need no type of papers."

First off, in this time of economic crisis, I honestly didn't think we were still giving out scholarships to hobbyists who play the tuba or whatever instrument these guys play...Just seems like if you're going to cut somewhere, this seems like a place to start...Not like Tuba and Drum Majors are generating money for the school or going on to wildly successful Tuba careers and donating large sums of their income back to the school. 

But secondly, if you are going to give scholarships to local Tuba players, maybe make sure they can pass a basic social studies exam from the 4th grade...I've long just assumed that kids in the deep south of Mississippi were practicing coloring in the lines while me and my fellow educated, northern 12 year olds were learning about the Louisiana Purchase and Cloud formations, but this just confirms it. This is straight up embarrassing.  I honestly don't know how, as an administrator at this school, you can allow these kids to stay without at least testing them on some basic US knowledge at this point...Like, give them the actual citizenship exam...hell it should probably be mandatory at Southern colleges anyway, just to make sure they know that the school lessons they learned as little kids in elementary school aren't in fact the truth, you know, like how they lost the war, and woman can vote, and Dred Scott was reversed. 

Good lookin Deep South.

PS: Angel, Puerto Ricans may not "need no type of papers" but you could definitely stand to double down on a couple English 101, 102 courses.

Words Can't Describe How Big of A Masshole I'd Become If I won the $1000 a Day for Life Lottery

Boston.Com - A 39-year-old Hanover plumber is the first winner of a Lucky for Life grand prize, which will award him $1,000 every day for the rest of his life, the Massachusetts Lottery said today. Bruce Campbell said he would buy a Cadillac and a new Harley Davidson motorcycle -- and keep on working and invest the rest of his money, according to Lottery spokeswoman Beth Bresnahan. He has a long-term girlfriend, who went with him today to claim the winnings. “He knows what he wants and we’re happy this prize can get him there,” said Bresnahan. 

Bruce Campbell, if you're not full of shit and truly plan on continuing life as a plummer, than you're a far better man than I am...Because there are No Words to describe how much of a lazy asshole I'd turn into if I one this prize. 

Yea there are bigger prizes, yea it doesn't make you extraordinarily rich, but there is just no fucking way on earth I'd lift my finger another day in my life.  My main task each day would be to roll out to the mailbox, grab my check for the day and figure out how I wanted to spend it that day. 

Because that's the thing about this prize, its a shit ton of money, but its not exactly "saving for the future" money, if that makes sense. I'd be much more likely to save a chunk of money if they gave me a lump sum of like $6 Mill or something, I'd get a financial advisor, buy some cufflinks, start getting $200 dollar hair cuts, set up trust funds, the whole 9 yards. But the idea of a fresh $1,000 every day hitting my account is just too much for me to handle responsibly. 

I'd literally figure out exactly how much I'd need to take out of each check for mortgage and regular expenses, and the rest I'd blow by midnight. Not even kidding. You'd find me at Foxwoods for months at a time placing one roulette bet a day, all on black. If I lost, I'd just come back the next day and try and recoup my money (I wouldn't even double down if I won, just one bet a day for the hell of it). I'd just sit in the corner of my favorite bar and hang out ALL DAY for a couple weeks.  Vacations, absolutely. You just might not see me for years at time, just forwarding my checks to wherever I feel like staying, post card trails from offbeat places like Des Moines and Plano, Texas. 

My point is, I wouldn't save a single cent, there's no need to. This lottery defies everything your parents ever told you about cash not growing on trees, for all intents and purposes, if you win, cash really does grow on trees. The idea that you have a never ending string of $1,000 checks means never having to think about working or anything responsible again.

So like I said, if this Bruce Campbell is serious about continuing work as a plumber, he's either the biggest liar in the history of Earth, or he's the most noble person ever. It's one or the other.

Please God, If You're Listening, Make Tebow Go to the Jets

ESPN - While one league source says the Dolphins are not likely to deal for Tebow, two sources told ESPNNewYork.com's Rich Cimini on Tuesday night the Jets' interest in Tebow has intensified. The Jets, who a league source originally categorized as "a long shot at best," are concerned about the negative perception of its locker room. The Jets were divided by player unrest last season, and "bringing in a guy like (Tebow) would help," one source told Cimini. "It makes perfect sense...The Jets are intrigued by what Tebow could do in the wildcat offense. New coordinator Tony Sparano introduced the wildcat to the NFL as coach of the Miami Dolphins. That, coupled with Rex Ryan's desire to be a power-running team, has fueled organizational discussion on Tebow. On the downside, there's concern Tebow's presence could create a distraction for incumbent Mark Sanchez, whose leadership came into question after the season. Sanchez recently received a three-year contract extension with $20.5 million in guarantees, all but ensuring he'll be the starter for at least the next two years..."I don't know how he'd handle it," one source said of Sanchez. "That would be interesting."

Someone get me Mike Tannebaum's personal address, I'm going to write them a check to help this along. 

Please God, for all that's holy, bring Tebow to the Jets. First off, if there was one locker room in the league that needs more God in their lives, its the Jets.  Can you imagine the conversation between Cromartie and Tebow? Cro trying to list off his clan of children, followed by Tebow mentioning that he actually knows 3 of Cro's kids from the charity shelter he works at in the off season...that would be fantastic.

But it's about more than spreading the Word of Tebow...It's about my entertainment as a Patriots fan, which would be at an all time high. Read this back: "The Jets are intrigued by what Tebow could do in the wildcat offense." Really? The wildcat offense? The offense that was roundly abandoned 2 and a half seasons ago after its abject failure in its first full time go around in Miami? Man, Tony Sparano just can't quit the wildcat, huh? You think he already forgot that the wildcat is probably one of the main factors in why his team was never able to develop a reliable NFL QB in his time there? That maybe yanking your young QB in favor of the likes of Ronnie Brown, Pat White, and now, Tim Tebow,  for 10-15 snaps a game for some gimmick offense isn't the best message to send to your impressionable quarterback.  You think he's thought about that?

Actually, I'll tell you who probably loves this, and that's Mark Sanchez...As you'll recall, the last time the Jets flirted with another QB, Peyton Manning, the team loaded up and gave Sanchez an outrageous raise to smooth over any hurt feelings...Never mind the fact that he was coming off basically his worst year since his rookie year, in which he took no steps forward in his progress as a professional quarterback and all of his teammates openly wondered whether he could lead them to wins...So yea, he's probably at home grinning, still counting his new pile of money and wondering when the Brinks truck will be backing up again after the team's little foray with Tebow this time around. 

First class organization all the way over there.

A Brief Run Down of the Most Unhealthy Weekend Ever

Let me state by saying that the results of this weekend are no surprise, for years now the first week of March Madness coupled with St. Patty's day has been a beacon of un-health for me.  There's just something about the Spring time air, the sunshine, and the general fantastic weather after a grey and dreary winter that make me want to spend anywhere between 36-48 straight hours in dark pubs or basement bars, drinking as much as I can and staring at 24 hour coverage of college basketball...It's a magical time of the year. 

But this year took it to a whole 'nother level, a level that I'm sincerely hoping will never be topped. What follows below is a run down of my diet from Friday morning through Sunday morning. It will shock, disgust, and amaze you. Hell, it forced me to actually pack my bag for the gym tonight, an incredibly rare event. Looking back you'd assume I was in some state of depression the entire weekend, but honestly, it couldn't have been more fun. With the highlight being this, probably my proudest moment of the year:

Yes, I'm bragging, no I'm not humble, so please don't call it a humblebrag. It's the opposite of a humblebrag, its an arrogant brag. 

Anyway, back on topic, below is a run down of my 48 hour diet (strictly food consumption, but for informational purposes I began drinking at 11:15 Friday morning, and aside from sleeping for 8 hours into Saturday, there wasn't much of a break elsewhere).

 Friday:

10:30 AM - Sausage Egg and Cheese on a Cinnamon Raisin Bagel

3:00 PM - Loaded Nachos

7:00 PM - Loaded Nachos with chicken (for health purposes, obviously)

9:00 PM - Wendy's Spicy Chix Sandwich and a Large Fry

Saturday:

10:00 - Sausage Egg and Cheese on a Cinnamon Raisin Bagel (sensing a trend). 

3:00 PM - Half of a Stuffed Pepper (by far the oddest thing on this list)

8:30 PM - Two McD's Cheeseburgers, Large Fry, Bucket of Orange flavored Hi-C

11:30 PM - 4 Slices of Regina's Cheese Pizza that improbably showed up at my apartment. 

Sunday Morning:

11:30 AM - Supreme Omelet with Home Fries (A supreme consists of 3 eggs, cheese, bacon, sausage, and Ham). 

I ate healthy the rest of the day, which is probably the only reason I was able to stave off what was sure to be a massive coronary. 

Tebow to the Patriots? The Media Is Even More Full Of Shit Than We Thought

Boston.Com - Will there be Tebowing across New England? According to a radio report by ESPN's John Clayton over the weekend, if the Denver Broncos close the deal with quarterback Peyton Manning, the rumor circulating is that the Broncos may then trade quarterback Tim Tebow to the Patriots. "Here's an interesting proposition, just a rumor. Let's say you have Manning going to Denver," Clayton said on ESPN Radio over the weekend according to ESPNBoston.com. "Tim Tebow is probably going to be traded. He's not going to Jacksonville, they've already got Chad Henne. New England. You trade him to New England and groom him to be kind of a role player, and then you trade Ryan Mallett in some way. It's just a rumor."

So Clayton, explain something to me, is it a rumor, or did you just make it up yourself, right there on the spot? Because it sounds like you just made it up. Lets examine:

 "Here's an interesting proposition, just a rumor"

Well that's pretty confusing.Doesn't really clear anything up. I mean you start out by saying its a proposition, meaning it's an original idea, not something you've heard from any reliable sources, but then you say it's a rumor...

Let's say you have Manning going to Denver," Clayton said on ESPN Radio over the weekend according to ESPNBoston.com. "Tim Tebow is probably going to be traded. He's not going to Jacksonville, they've already got Chad Henne.

 Ok, this is a bit more clear...the phrase "let's say..." is the give away. You're making this stuff up, its fine, its all well and fun for discussion, but don't say it's a rumor.  Calling something a rumor gives a story a sense of credence, that maybe you heard it from someone in the know. You didn't. You made this up. But because you used the word "rumor," I had to deal with clueless co-workers and even more clueless radio hosts taking up my time yesterday perpetuating this "rumor" that was really just a "proposition." 

Oh, and by the way, having Chad Henne on a teams roster should never preclude a team for looking for another quarterback. The guy sucks...the Dolphins just let him go, you remember that, right? The same Dolphins who haven't had a decent QB in a decade didn't want the guy. I hardly think his signing precludes a Tim Tebow signing, but that's just a proposition, just a rumor...(I kid).

Lets  go a little further, because this is where it really gets ridiculous:

 New England. You trade him to New England and groom him to be kind of a role player, and then you trade Ryan Mallett in some way. It's just a rumor."

HAHAHAHA, Oh Jon, you make me laugh.You're paid as an analyst, right? Like, by the world leader in sports? Yes, the Patriots will trade away their future insurance policy for a glorified full back just so they can groom him to be a "kind of role player." Just what kind of role player would that be, exactly? Keeping in mind that the team has basically decided that they don't want to pay BJGE, a proven, 1,000 yard, double digit TD running back, to return. But for Tebow? Oh yea, they'll roll out the checkbook for this guy. In between goal line snaps as the decoy fullback he could lead the team in sideline prayer and organize all of the teams charitable events. Is that what you mean?

Jon, you work for ESPN. You're supposed to be better than that. You're supposed to have real sources...The local radio stations rely on guys like Frank from Gloucester and Joe in a Car, you're supposed to be an actual insider. Not just another crazy guy making shit up as you please.  Hell, at a bare minimum you should be able to understand that if you're precluding a team that owns Chad Henne from going after Tim Tebow, then you should probably preclude the team that has TOM BRADY. Its just bizarro stuff.

Look, I get that the Patriots are a popular rumored destination for EVERYONE. Seemingly every player available each offseason is somehow "rumored" to be going to New England. It makes sense, we live in a crazy sports market (I mean literally crazy, have you heard some of these callers) that can generate interest in just about any sports related story, year round. I was shocked, frankly, that we didn't hear a peep about Peyton Manning. I'm serious, I was shocked. Not one knuckle head (that I heard) called into EEI or the Sports Hub to make the case that the Pats should sign Manning. It was borderline miraculous. And maybe that's why I'm a little caught off guard here.  I thought for one second this sports market had a moment of clarity, Wrong. Guess I'll just have to tune out the talking heads for another week...