So, I Didn't Win the Lottery, Back To Work

Who do ya gotta blow around here to win the lottery? Oh, wait.

Fox News - Mega Millions mania has plunged a Maryland McDonald’s into a bubbling cauldron of controversy hotter than a deep-fried apple pie. Workers at the fast-food joint who pooled their cash for tickets are furious at a colleague who claims she won with a ticket she bought for herself and has no intention of sharing. “We had a group plan, but I went and played by myself. [The ‘winning’ ticket] wasn’t on the group plan,” McDonald’s “winner’’ Mirlande Wilson 37, told The Post yesterday, insisting she alone bought one of the three tickets nationwide that will split a record $656 million payout. “I was in the group, but this was separate. The winning ticket was a separate ticket,” the single mother of seven said as she and her fiancé left her home in the squalid Westport neighborhood to attend church. The Haitian immigrant refused to show what she said was the winning ticket, claiming she had it hidden in another location and would present it to lottery officials today.

First off, I feel like there should be some kind of national crisis hotline for people returning to work today, this has to be one of the most depressing walks back through the doors of your 9-5, ever. Yea, when I left on Friday I knew I probably wouldn't win, but in another sense, I totally figured I was going to win. Pre-emptively put in my 0 days notice pending my jackpot victory, blatantly told a few co-workers that I really hoped I'd win on my individual tickets instead of in our office pool, and actually went out and spent some of that money in advance because I figured day dreaming was for losers, if you want something to happen, you make it happen...So now I'm left trying to figure out the return policy for a secluded Carribean Island and trying to make sure the gold plated toilet I ordered hasn't gone into production as of yet.

You guys are idiots for not following me, look at this gold you're missing.

All that said, I'm not hating on this woman for holding out. As a rule of thumb I always play a couple of extra tickets outside my office pools, you'd be crazy not to, how else are you going to rub it into everyone if you have no chance of winning on your own?

What I don't get is this:

“I don’t know if I won. Some of the numbers were familiar. I recognized some of [them],’’ she said. “I don’t know why’’ people are saying differently. “I’m going to go to the lottery office [today]. I bought some tickets separately.”

Bitch, check the ticket then! The fuck do you mean you don't know if you won? You know what's worse than screwing your co-workers out of millions they may have rightfully won? Pretending to screw your co-workers out of millions they may have rightfully won. I sincerely hope, that along with that trip to the lottery office, you've got a couple of new interviews lined up...Because there is no way in fucking hell that you can step foot in that McDonalds ever again if it turns out you didn't win. 

You can't just saunter back in during breakfast hours and start slinging hashbrowns like everything's cool, "Hey - Remember that time I was going to screw you out of a Fortune? April Fools! But seriously, we're all good, right?" Umm, NO! They not good. This shit has Lifetime movie written all over it. A poor Haitian mom beaten by her co-workers who thing she's robbed them of millions, but in fact never won anything. I'd DVR it.

How Fast Would You Change Places with Hurley from Lost to Win Tonight's Mega Millions?

Remember Hurley? Always bitching and moaning about all the bad luck he had after winning a near record lottery? I'd take that bad luck in an overly obese man's heartbeat. Seriously man, quit your bitching.

I've never understood all these "curse of the lottery" articles that come out every time Powerball or Mega Millions hits an absurd number. CNN and Fox News acting like mega rich lottery winners are the only ones with tragedy in their lives, and all the money in the world couldn't buy them happiness.

Well maybe it can't, and maybe getting stuck on Lost Island for a few televisions season sucked, but you know who else thought it sucked, all the other people from Lost WHO WEREN'T MILLIONAIRES...Yea, it's not like Hurley was the only one stuck on that island, or the only one who had a little bit of bad fortune back home. But you know what the difference was? The rest of them would all have to go back to every day grinds back home, earning their paychecks, Hurley would still be a mega-millionaire. 

Same shit applies in real life. I'm so tired of reading these sob stories about people who win the lottery. EVERYONE HAS PROBLEMS. Maybe money can't buy you happiness, but it for sure helps you handle problems along the way. Plenty of people experience tragedy every day that haven't won the lottery, I don't see any news stories popping up about the curse of not winning Mega-Millions though.  It's like I'm living in a bizarro world where I'm supposed to feel sympathy for some truck driver who won a whole new life he could have never in a million years experienced based on his career and educational choices, just because there were a few deaths in the family, or a few lawsuits came his way. Big fucking whoop, that shit happens every day to everyone, they'd gladly change places to have it happening while also having North of $100MM lying around in their checkbook, that's for damn sure.

What Would I Do If I Won Tonight's Mega Millions?

Since everyone else is weighing in with what they'd do with the winnings they're not going to win, I figured I'd put in my two cents.

I'd do nothing. Yea, I'd do the obvious things, buy a couple houses, a new car or two, vacation all over the place, and maybe pay E! to take the Kardashians off air once and for all, but by and large I'd do nothing.

 That's what I live for. I spend every day rushing through everything I have to do, all in hopes of having a few more minutes during the work day to slack off, or an extra half hour at night on the couch with the DVR. My ultimate goal is to just have nothing to do, and the only feasible way I see that being possible is buy having over half a billion dollars handed to you for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

And before anyone gets this really depressed image of me, it's  not like that. I like doing things, I look forward to things I want to do. I just abhor things I have to do. Even simple things like laundry, or unloading the dishwasher...I may be the fastest non-mexican dishwasher you'll ever see. I power my way through that, because every second I waste scrubbing pasta sauce off a plate, is a second I die a little in side, it's one less second I could be spending just vegging out, doing nothing.

So that's what I'd  do. All these people with wild business ideas, charitable ideas, all this other crap, they're crazy. I'd use the money to live the lifestyle I've always wanted, a lifestyle of no responsibilities, no where to be, and no one to answer to. A man can dream.

Frank McCourt is Literally "LMAO'ing" At Everyone Buying Lottery Tix After He Sold the Dodgers for $2 Billion

So I woke up today to a couple of MIND BLOWING financial figures. The first, Mega-Millions has reached a mind boggling $476 million dollar jackpot, and if you don't think I'm taking the next two days off from work and just hopping in my car and buying quick picks along every exit of I-95, state to state, you're out of your mind. I'm pretty sure I could literally heat my house by burning $100 bills and not have a care in the world with that kind of money, its pretty insane. 

That does NOT look like a $300 a day hair cut

But secondly, Frank McCourt, the disgraced owner of the Los Angeles Dodgers, sold the team for a sports franchise record $2 BILLION last night. 2 BILLION! This guy just went from over $500 million in debt, to a certified billionaire over night. This gigantic asshole who used to pay $300 a day for haircuts, who ran a very proud franchise into the ground and had to borrow money just to stay afloat, is once again a VERY Rich man...Mind you he bought the team for just over $430 million eight years ago, meaning the team grossed him a return of roughly 465%! That's gotta be some kind of business deal record, no? Can we get Darren Rovell to drop whatever he's doing (presumably tweeting facts about sports jersey sales) and research this? And more importantly, can we get Frank McCourt to sign some kind of clause that says he can't be an asshole with his money this time around?

For some reason it just absolutely kills me to know that this guy, who was SO bad at owning and running his franchise, has somehow been rewarded with a financial windfall that makes this record breaking lottery jackpot seem like loose change under the sofa. I'm hardly a 99%er as my blogging history would easily demonstrate, but that just doesn't seem right. This is a guy who essentially did nothing right since 2004 and is some how walking away filthy rich. Just like I said at the outset, I've got nothing else to say except its mind boggling.