We've all been there. The early morning meeting with coffee/bagels/donuts, the luncheon with pizza and finger sandwiches, or the nooner w/ cookies, cake and pie. When, what, and how much to eat can be a nightmare to navigate for some.
Not me. I possess a curious level of self confidence in situations where I really have no business being so confident. Maybe I'm just ignorant to situations where I should feel out of place, or maybe I'm really that much better than most, either way I'm here today to share some tips for navigating this little slice of corporate life. As is my style, we're going to break this one down into three phases, When, What, and How Much.
When - Right away. You want to set the pace and make everyone adjust to your strategy. You don't want to be the guy caught on his heels and then proceed to hold up the meeting as everyone is waiting for you to finish fixing your plate. Bosses want to see aggressive, proactive people. Even if you're dumb as shit and suck at your job this is your time to shine. Girls need to be even more aggressive. Despite all the progress you've made the power balance still generally tips towards men in the office. You need to get in their and mix it up early to show you can hang with the swinging dicks of the office.
What - There's two schools of thought here. 1) Similar to a business luncheon at a restaurant, just get whatever you see your boss getting. Tried and true method, nothing flashy, just a safe play. 2) Pick the best, most self indulging option. Shows no fear. You know what you want and you're going to get it. Will impress your higher-ups and intimidate your peers. I prefer this route if you have upward aspirations.
How Much - There's a bit of a double standard here, I'm not going to apologize for it, its just the way it is. Girls, too often you make the mistake of not eating, this shows meekness and a lack of self confidence. We will not think you're fat if you grab a plate with the rest of us. We will think you're fat if you grab a second helping though, so make sure you grab everything you want the first time through. I don't make the rules, its just the way it is, don't kill the messenger. Guys, it comes back to aggressiveness. If everyone's gotten their first round feel free to go up for seconds. Only rule at play here is you must avoid the food coma. No one in history has ever been promoted after needing to be rolled out of a meeting while drooling on themselves.
The only hiccup you could run into is the rare situation when corporate decides to serve up ethnic foods. If you can stomach it, follow the rules above. If ethnic foods wreak havoc on your digestive system then claim heartburn. In my experience any other excuse comes off racist.
That's it, that should cover just about any situation you run into. You're on your own from here.
