There are a lot of deep, philosophically complex questions we as human beings like to ask ourselves over the course of our lifetimes: what is our purpose here on earth, how do we solve current world problems, why does Ben Stiller only star in shitty movies ever since Meet the Parents. These are the questions that are pondered again and again, but no suitable answer ever emerges. However, there is one (in this bloggers opinion) issue that should be put to rest once and for all. We have all seen the myriad of Marvel movies over the past decade, so I put the tantalizing inquiry out there: Which super power would you most like to have? I’ll put forth some of the main options and debate pros/cons of each one. I’m not going to do ridiculously obscure or fucked up powers, like the ability to alter the fabric of reality or create alternate dimensions. It’s too trippy for this blog and frankly, the old standbys are the old standbys for a reason: everyone likes them. Im also limiting it strictly to super powers, not magical abilities, because I already know for a fact every person alive would be a wizard/witch like in Harry Potter in 2 seconds flat.
1.) Flight
As every chick Superman ever rescued knows, one of the quickest ways to get a girl ready hop in the sack is having the ability to fly. Going on a date to the movies? Hoist your girl up by the waist and soar the skies to the cinema. 100 bucks says she’s flinging her bra off before you even touch down in the parking lot. This would also be one of the most pragmatic abilities you could possibly have. No need for a car, insurance, increasingly expensive oil. That would leave a whole lot more cheddar in your bank account for more important things, like beer…and more beer. Then again, flying could get mighty chilly at those high altitudes and competing with those giant metal contraptions called planes could lead to some substantial injuries. Flying definitely has the WOW factor, but the novelty would wear off quickly as far as I’m concerned.
2.) Other-Worldly Speed
I’m not talking Usain Bolt speed (even though that would be freeking awesome, because he’s a straight human blur) This is like the little kid from The Incredibles type speed, like you can move so far that you can run across bodies of water and shit. You could be the worlds best thief ever. The second you laid your greedy little eyes on whatever tickled your fancy (money, clothes, illicit drugs) you would be in and out before your adversary even had time to blink. Even if you are some sort of moral paragon (AKA: sadly misguided asshat,) you could go anywhere the hell you wanted and it wouldn’t take any time at all. Just pack your shit and book it. Then again, if you ever hit any type of obstruction going at these top speeds, that would hurt like an absolute mother fucker. Like a newspaper stand or something in the city? What an awful way that would be to go out of life on. Even with the tantalizing cleptomania with damn near complete impunity from the law that this power would allow you, I’ll have to pass based on massive risk potential.
3.) Super-Human Strength
Essentially you become the Incredible Hulk, only without the whole “turning green, ripping your current outfit to shreds, and developing a severe anger problem” thing. This is a pretty tantalizing prospect, primarily because I’ve never been particularly big and the desire to hit people bigger than me has reached breaking point levels on numerous occasions. But even besides the obvious advantage you would have in any barfight/physical altercation, imagine the massive headaches you could avoid with a Herculean physique. Oh, the car battery died on you, forcing you onto the side of the highway in the dead of night? Fuck waiting two hours for Triple A to show up (P.S. This is my sidenote to vent and emphatically state Triple A waiting times are complete bullshit, take whatever time they give you on the phone and multiply by three. Great customer service, dickheads) You could just hoist that pile of shit Honda Civic you never should have bought and haul it right on home without breaking a sweat. However, this ability might lead to awkward questions during leisure time activities, like if you are playing an innocent game of catch with someone and all of a sudden you put the baseball right through your friends sternum. No amount of super human strength is saving you from that emergency room visit. This guy passes on the strength, though with some difficulty.
4.) Invisibility
For me, this is an absolute no doubter. Becoming invisible is the absolute best power you could possibly have. I mean, besides the power of “being a ridiculously amazingly super awesome blog writer,” but seeing as I already have that power, I need to choose a different one for the sake of avoiding redundancy. As if Harry Potter didn’t visibly demonstrate this in the first 7 books/ movies, as long as you don’t fuck up royally (like making a shit load of noise like he did) you can go anywhere and do ANYTHING you want. Basically like having the perks of super speed without the occupational hazard. Shoplifting? Easy as pie. Sneaking into a celebrities dressing room to see who they are nailing that night? Piece of cake (BOOM, two baked good references in one paragraph, didn’t think it possible, did you reader?) I think one of my favorite tasks with this power would be to sneak into my friends apartments/houses the night they happen to be watching a scary movie, and immediately after a shocking moment in the film, just wildly knock shit over in another room while making demonic noises. This practical joke is funny just by itself, but if you were invisible, absolutely no way in hell your friends get any sleep that night, as well as you just made them believe in paranormal bullshit that doesn’t exist for the rest of their pathetic lives. That’s what super powers are about to me. Not this saving the world stuff, that’s too much work. Super powers are about making life incredibly easy or having unlimited ability to fuck with people. For my money, it’s got to be going having invisibility.
