It's Official, I'm Giddy About The Majestic Beast that is Bryce Harper

I don't even know what to like more here, that a 19 year old kid got his first hit while some asshole (literally) was mooning the pitcher, or the fact that he went for the aerodynamically sound helmet flip to help him leg out the double, or that beautiful mane of flowing hair he's got under their mo-hawk style...a flo-hawk, if you will...I loved it all. Safe to say I can't wait for this kids first jack, that bat flip is going to be one for the ages.

I loved it so much, that while patiently waiting for Sportscenter to air the kid's highlight yesterday, I realized my bowels weren't going to make it...what did I do? I positioned a full length mirror at just the correct angle for me to be able to see the tv, turned up the volume, and caught the whole thing from the shitter (and frankly, that was a revolutionary move that I see plenty more of in my future). Yes I could have just re-watched it on the internet again, but something that majestic had to be seen on the big screen.

 I Need more of this kid. Looks like I'll be watching a lot of TBS this year, they still run every Braves game on loop, right? Braves-Nats play 19 or so times this year, I hope my DVR can hold all of that.

Bonus Material: H/T to @mazz33 for this one:

"so much eye black that you're telling glare you won't stand for it." - @BattingStanceG

Home Plate Umpire Tackles Orioles Fan on the Field

That right there is what you call a form tackle, this guy must have been crushing NFL draft coverage this weekend. Mel Kiper Jr's probably breaking down tape right now, got him on the big board and everything. 

PS: How badly did this guy just cuckold the actual stadium cops? These guys chase bad guys for a living and routinely end up on blooper videos as drunks from the stands run circles around them...Mean while Jeff Kellogg over here simply acquired his target and took him out. Rendered the kid helpless all on his own before a team of 4-5 cops showed up to take care of Kellogg's sloppy seconds.

Winning the Breakup: Ex Girlfriend/Dentist Pulls Out all of Ex's Teeth

HuffPo - Breaking up is never easy -- having 32 teeth ripped out is even worse. A scorned dentist is facing jail time after surgically removing all of her ex-boyfriend's teeth after he dumped her, authorities in London said. Marek Olszewski, 45, made the mistake of scheduling an appointment this week with his ex -- 34-year-old Anna Mackowiak -- for a toothache, according to the Daily Mail. So Mackowiak allegedly did what any burned beau with a set of pliers and some anesthetic would do: she doped him up, pulled out all his teeth, and wrapped his head with bandages so he wouldn't notice until he left her office. "I tried to be professional and detach myself from my emotions," she told the news site. "But when I saw him lying there I just thought, 'What a b-----d.'"...Worse, Olszewski's new girlfriend dumped him because, well, she couldn't date a man without any teeth, the Daily Telegraph reported.

"Game, Set, What aisle do you keep your denture cream in?"

Talk about winning a break up, lady didn't even have to break a sweat either. No planning, no stakeouts, hell she didn't even have to take time off from work, the guy just came to her...she probably billed his insurance too! When you profit off your revenge (at least initially, I have a gut feeling she'll be paying him back plus interest) you know you're doing something right.

And as for this guy...what the fuck bro? What are you doing? Find another dentist, it's not that hard...or just don't go to the dentist for a while. You're English, right? I assume skipping a 6 month check up once in a while is no big deal to you...maybe just wait until things cool down with your scorned lover/dental practitioner. 

PS...I have a hankering his current girlfriend didn't just break up with him because he had no teeth, that's just temporary...Guessing it had more to do with the fact that this guy was dumb enough to go back to an ex for medical/dental work.

The Boston Celtics Game 1: One Bad Call, One Bad Rondo Reaction

Please, Pleassseee David Stern, use your better judgement for the first time in in the last half decade or so and realize this was an accident. Or have it in your heart to take into account just how fucking awful of a call that was by the ref. Was it a hotheaded reaction from Rondo? Absolutely. Did he mean to make contact? I don't think so, he clearly tangled feet with him. Would any of this have happened if this jackoff of a ref had just called this a jump ball like it's been called the millions of times prior to this?

I've been saying for years that they need to control scrums on the floor...there is a foul or five every single time there is a loose ball on the floor but it's never called. Never. Drives me insane. So excuse me if the Celts were a bit pissed off and a bit shocked when this guy decided to call a foul on the floor for the first time in history. They must not have gotten the memo about the rule change before the game. 

So again, please Mr. Commissioner, don't let one god awful call, and one stupid reaction to that call determine this series. It already swung the fate of one game, don't let it swing two. 

Groveling, over. 

On the Celtics home front, I can't help but notice that none of this would have happened if anyone but Rondo could buy a bucket. I mean, god love Pierce, he kept chucking all night long, didnt matter that he was 5-19 and should probably be focusing on driving and getting to the line. Took KG 2 and a half quarters to get in the game, pretty sure Brandon Bass not only didn't show up, but something called an "Ivan Johnson" ate his lunch too...(side note, the box score only credits Ivan with 5 rebs total, I was watching, that's bogus. Guy had at least 5 offensive rebounds in the second half alone). On the surface its hard to get on Bradley, he absolutely dogged Teague and Hinrich in the one man full court press, and that's worth something I guess, but he was completely lost in the half court...on offense and defense. The picture I'm trying to paint here was it was Rondos game to win or lose...and he lost it right when the C's were gaining some momentum...but we would have never been in that position if he had any help at all. 

Oh, I forgot to mention, Doc played nine guys...in the first half...because anytime you can have Keyon Dooling and Sasha Pavlovic on the court at the same time in the middle of a playoff game, you gotta do it. 

Ok, rant over, I'll let this all go...Part of me just hopes that Pierce, KG, and Doc all collectively thought this was the last regular season game and they were just on auto drive mode like they'd been for the last week and a half. Lets hope they wake up for game two.

Michael Jordan's Charlotte Bobcats Are Now the Worst Team in NBA History

CHARLOTTE, N.C. -- The worst season in NBA history is over for the Charlotte Bobcats. Gerald Henderson had 21 points for the Bobcats, whose 23rd consecutive loss left them with a winning percentage of .106 (7-59) in the lockout-shortened season. The record was set 39 years ago, when the 1972-73 Philadelphia 76ers finished 9-73 (.110) in a full regular season. "Going 7-59 like we did is not what we planned on doing," Henderson said. "This doesn't sit very well with me. These last 10 games, we've really tried to get after it, compete and not get that record. It just didn't happen for us. We just didn't have enough. We couldn't come up with the plays. "When you look back at it and see we lost 59 games, you always think, `We could've won one more.' " 

Gerald Henderson, walking quote machine huh? I mean these are some gems. 

 "Going 7-59 like we did is not what we planned on doing"

"When you look back at it and see we lost 59 games, you always think, `We could've won one more"

Uhh...yea Gerald, thanks. I mean, you actually could have won a lot more than one more...you lost 59 times, that's 59 more games you could have won...based on that statement, and the first quote, was your plan to go 8-58?  Was that what you guys planned on doing? 

Does anyone know if MJ actually cares? That's a real question...the guy is filthy rich, his shoes continue to be best sellers despite the fact that he retired like, a decade ago, just money flowing in constantly, he must not care, right? This guy was pyschotically competitive as a player, I have to think if he cared even an ounce about this team he'd be doing everything he could short of suiting up to help this team improve...that doesn't not seem to be the case here.

PS: Is Anthony Davis on suicide watch yet?

Red Sox Fans Pulse Check: Carl Crawford - MotherF*cker!

ESPN - The Boston Red Sox announced Thursday night that Carl Crawford has a sprained ulnar collateral ligament in his left (throwing) elbow, the injury that often results in Tommy John elbow reconstruction surgery. But rather than opt for surgery, the team said the outfielder will follow a protocol of more conservative treatment. "It is what it is what it is," Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine said Thursday night after Boston's 10-3 over the White Sox in Chicago. "We'll just let Mother Nature take the time to heal him up and get him back. I don't know how to explain it or put it into my thought. I wish he was 100 percent. Not playing for awhile is going to kill him more than it's killing me." A major league source told ESPN's Pedro Gomez that Crawford is expected to miss three months, a timetable that Crawford challenged in a text message to John Tomase of the Boston Herald. "I don't know where they got three months from," Crawford texted, adding he doesn't expect to be out that long..."I'm good," he texted. "It's just one of those things you can't control. I'm still looking forward to coming back strong." The Red Sox said in their statement that Dr. James Andrews, who examined Crawford Thursday, confirmed the diagnosis made by the team's medical staff.

Goddamnit. Carl, you're driving us freaking insane...I'm sorry, I know it's not your fault, I'm trying really hard here not to be a dick to you, but the circumstances...FUCK...I just need to be upset at someone and unfortunately, you're an easy target. 

Here the Sox are, 4 game winning streak, bats are alive, Felix Doubront is the blossoming ace of the staff (albeit with a 4.09 ERA, but still, ace of the staff), Bobby V hasn't said anything dumb in a couple of weeks, and then this. 

Please excuse me if I believe Pedro Gomez' time table over your own, too. At this point he has much more credibility with me than you do. Guy literally had his nose up and around Barry Bonds butthole for years, pretty sure he's more than capable of snooping your expected time table for return. So three months it is, I won't believe it'll be a day less until I see you take the field. Again, I know this isn't really your fault, injuries happen, but shit, you're kinda like the Official Ruiner of the Boston Red Sox right now...like that should be your title: 2012 Ruiner. 

PS: I know everyone swears by James Andrews, and he may really be a miracle worker, but goddamn do I freaking hate that guy...Let's be honest, that guy has never given an ounce of good news to any athlete, anywhere, ever.  He's like the Grim Reaper of sports medicine...Yea, he's probably saving some of these guys careers, but as a fan the second I hear his name associated with someone from one of my teams, I immediately head to Kappys for a six-pack. Nothing good ever comes from visiting James Andrews. Just once I'd like to hear a story saying, "he visited James Andrews today, turns out he's fine."  Nope, for some reason flying down to his clinic in Alabama is like the Bermuda Triangle for tendons and ligaments...no one has ever come back in tact.

UPDATE: George Zimmerman's Website Make $200K in Three Weeks!

ORLANDO, Florida – George Zimmerman's website seeking money for his legal defense may have been shut down, but apparently not before pulling in quite a haul for the high-profile Florida murder defendant. The attorney for Zimmerman, charged in the February shooting of unarmed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin, says in a TV interview Thursday that his client's website has raised more than $200,000 ... TheRealGeorgeZimmerman.com was launched April 10, as a digital soapbox for Zimmerman to give his side of the story, as well as a fundraising tool to solicit donations to his legal defense fund. Zimmerman used the site, which took major credit cards, to communicate messages to his supporters. But the site was shut down as of this week. 

For real? $200k in 3 weeks? There are people out there that had $200k of disposable (and really that's as disposable as disposable comes) income to give this guy? Fuck me. 

A few weeks back when I heard about this I said that I may quit the internet if this little venture of his was successful...Now, I'm not going to do that, but I'm debating whether or not George is an internet genius and I was just too stubborn to see it...Like, is that the way to do it, just put up a paypal button and beg  you guys to donate? Does that work better than these ads that you guys don't click?

I might have to try out a little experiment this weekend and throw up a donate button when I get some free time...don't worry, I can 100% assure you all proceeds will go to frivolous things and items of semi-luxury. 

Andrew Luck: Huge Geek.

"With the first pick in the 2012 NFL Draft, from Stanford University, though you may know him better as Sam Weir, from Freaks and Geeks, Andrew Luck."

That's him folks, you simply won't convince me otherwise. Little Sam Weir continued his geeky ways all the way through high school, got himself into Stanford where he somehow stumbled upon some scientific formula that made him the best qb in all the land.  Only way to explain how this supernerd made his way to becoming the number one pick in the NFL draft.

PS: As a Pats fan, whats the protocol here? Do I automatically have to hate him, or what? The Colts may have been our greatest rival during the Brady era, but they're hardly our natural rival, it was more due to competition. With the team sucking, clearing house, and ditching Manning, does my hatred for all things Colts still have to stand? Seems like a waste of energy if they're going to suck for the next few years on their own, if you ask me. I think I'm going to take a wait and see approach.

Am I The Only One Who Doesn't Know What W.B. Mason Does?

Posed that question during a Red Sox game the other night (these are the kinds of things you're missing if you're not following me, folks) after I saw what had to be the 10,000th W.B Mason commercial in my lifetime of watching the Sox...10,000 commercials, been sponsoring the Sox for years...Had no idea what they did. I know their catchphrase, "Who, But WB Mason, That's Who," but didn't actually know what product or service they provided. 

For a long time they ran commercials with some guy delivering paper to some father and his daughter, so naturally I assumed it was some sort of local version of Dunder Mifflin, but then this season they started talking about coffee pots and Keurig machines, completely threw me for a loop until my friend filled me in on what was going on. 

Apparently its an office supply company, and according to my friend, who I'm now wondering if he's just a glofiried office administrator, coffee is now a big part of the office supply game...who knew? 

To be fair, I'm not an office administrator, so I have no experience in that realm. Also, the commercials are like 2 minute short films. There's so much dialogue and the story is so rich and compelling that it distracts me from figuring out what the hell is going on at this company. They got the best commercials in the game when it comes to production value, and about the worst I've ever seen when it comes to figuring out what they're trying to sell me.

Who But W.B. Mason.

Concord, MA Votes to Ban Water Bottle Sales

CONCORD (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - Nearly 700 residents packed Concord-Carlisle High School on Wednesday night to vote on a measure that would ban the sale of water bottles. Voters on both sides shared their thoughts on the ban. While those in favor pointed out the environmental benefits of the ban, those opposing the ban claimed it was unconstitutional to allow special interest groups dictate the purchases of everyone else. After a recount, the vote was 403-364 in favor of the ban. That vote could still be disputed. 

These people are crazy. Lets get that out of the way right now. The people in Concord have lost their minds, there's no real getting around that...apparently at this same meeting there was also a vote about having to keep cats on leashes...that pretty much sums it up. 

And yes, this might be the single most trivial municipal law I've ever heard of, but I'm going to weigh in, because I have an opinion on everything, and it's going to surprise you.

I don't think this is that big of a deal. Do I think it's a bat-shit crazy thing to hold a town meeting over? Absolutely, its frigen nuts. Do I think it has a chance of standing? Nope, no chance in hell. Do I think it's a big deal? Not one bit. 

Why? Because I'm not one of these water bottle people who needs multiple bottles per day, every day, wherever they go. I've come to accept I'm in the minority here, I'm engaged to a water bottle enthusiast, it still confounds me at times when I open the fridge and see scattered half drank water bottles, but diff'rent strokes for diff'rent folks I guess. 

Call me crazy, but I usually grab one bottle, and use it for a few days, at least at work anyway. I'll clean it out and repeatedly fill it up...its a plastic recepticle people, you can re-use it. And it's not like the water in the bottles has some magical properties, its been proven time and time again that the water quality from most faucets is as good if not better than most bottle water brands (Fiji aside, that stuff is amazing...I don't know if its a placebo effect or what, but I honestly feel like I could get up and run a marathon with just my rectangular shaped bottle of Fiji water on absolutely no training whatsoever). 

People realize that like, just two decades ago, in the early 90's these weren't that prevalent, right? Not to sound like some old curmudgeon lecturing whiffersnappers or anything, but I used to literally drink out of the hose in my backyard when I was thirsty during a thrilling game of Kick the Can. Yes, my mom warned me not to do that, something about arsenic or whatever, but it seems like I came out ok.  The other thing that may shock some people is that people used to buy gallon water jugs, fill them up at local water spots, and then drink from....A CUP! I know, barbarians, right? Just crazy talk, but its true. 

You don't need water bottles people, you certainly don't need them to the extent that we consume them these days anyway...the town is still out of their mind for thinking this wasn't a waste of time, but I can't say that I disagree with them. 

  

It's Time We Had A Talk With the Hip-Hop Industry Over Holograms.

TMZ - For the first time in nearly a decade, TLC will be reuniting for a U.S. concert tour later this year -- and TMZ has learned, the late Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes will be making a special appearance. The group's rep tells us, Tionne "T-Boz" Watkins and Rozonda "Chilli" Thomas are currently in the planning stages of a massive 2012 reunion tour in the U.S. So far, we're told 5 major cities have already been booked -- and even more are in the works. But the big surprise ... we're told the group plans to pull a Tupac -- incorporating their deceased former member Left Eye in the shows, projecting her image on a big screen and working her vocals into the live performances.

Nope. No, no, no. Nope. This isn't going to work out guys. We can't have Hollywood, and specifically the rap/hip-hop/R&B industry monopolizing this cutting edge technology and using it for such trivial matters. I can't cosign on this. 

Tupac, I could have lived with, he could have been a sort of measuring stick, representing the line in the sand for the bare minimum your life had to have an impact for you to be worth memorializing via hologram. I'd have been fine with that. Unfortunately, the early results look like we're going the other way, that everyone from here on out may be even more trivial than Tupac. 

I'm sure "L" was a nice enough person (aside from that time she burnt down Andre Rison's house) and she might have touched a few people, I'm not saying I get a bit emotional when Waterfalls comes on, but someone surely does, but if we're going to go hologramming her then we're going to have to hologram every dead music artist.

Which if you want to do that, fine, but then we're going to force you to share that technology for good as well. For every Lisa Left Eye Lopes appearance you also need to produce an MLK "I Have a Dream" hologram. When Dave Grohl gets around to deciding he misses Kurt Kobain enough and goes back on tour with Nirvana, he'll  need to produce a JFK "Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You" hologram. When Puffy decides he wants to make another boatload of cash and brings back Biggy, I don't know, he'll have to bring back Walt Disney or something...you get where I'm going with this?

It's a pretty cool technology, lets not waste it on a bunch of trivial money grabbing events for people who realize theirs profits to be made off the memory of their dead friends/fellow performers.    

Red Sox Fans Pulse Check: A Bit Suspicious, But Coming Around

That says about everything you need to say. You got the teams backup catcher quoting lines from Major League II, and despite this being a team with a $175 million payroll, and that being a movie about a bunch of castoff misfits, it kinda fits.

I mean it, the collapse last year, all the shit that went down in the off season, topped off with this years flat start? There's not much in the department of expectations around here right now. I'll take baby steps right now, I'll take being happy over three game winning streaks (even if it means watching our closer teeter totter on the brink of disaster every 9th inning like he did last night). Maybe Bobby V was right a couple of days ago, maybe they finally hit rock bottom during that Yankee comeback, and we'll all have something to root for instead of jeer as we watch them scrap their way to respectability...Maybe (but as the title suggests, I'm suspicious at this point). 

H/T to @mazz33 for the tweet tip.  PS: If anyone else wants an H/T (stands for had tip) feel free to send along interesting bits of tid, funny anecdotes, things from the internet, or just about anything else you'd like.  You can reach me on Twitter or via e-mail at TheAltTab@gmail.com.

Woman Jumps Into Van During Police Chase

How about these guys narrating this thing: "Is it possible she's talking to the driver." Uh, yeah...I'd say that's definitely who she's talking to. 

I'd love to know what was going on in that conversation. "Hunny, we're running late for the movies, I've got a cop escort, but I know how you hate to miss the previews so you're going to have to jump in on the fly."

Pretty Sure Chris Farley Is Alive and Going by the Name of Kevin Farley

That's a terrible disguise bro

TMZ - Comic actor Kevin Farley -- younger brother of the late Chris Farley -- has been accused by his ex-GF of making death threats over the phone ... but Kevin is adamant she's lying through her teeth. Farley's ex, Fayrene Byrd-Doig, filed a request for a restraining order in L.A. County Superior Court ... claiming Kevin called her up on March 23, 2012 and said, "He was going to f**king kill [me]." But Kevin tells TMZ ... Fayrene is simply a "sick woman" who has concocted dangerous lies in an effort to get back at him for breaking things off with her in 2009. Kevin says, "She's been blaming me and harassing me ever since."

Hold on, what? Kevin Farley? Come on, you're not fooling anyone. Has Chris been alive this whole time and I had no idea. I mean, call off the Tupac search, lets focus on this for a little bit.  That there is Chris Farely, and frankly, he doesn't look like he's aged a day since his alleged death. Furthermore, I've never heard of Kevin Farley. In fact, I just checked his IMDB page and I'm now convinced more than ever that Kevin Farley is just a made up identification. The credits are just a mixed bag of things I've never even heard of and might just be made up, and credits to shows and movies so bad that there aren't enough people who actually watched them to definitively say whether he was or wasn't in it.  An easy page to fake without anyone catching on.

"The Jadagrace show?" Made up. Cellmates, Pretend Time, The Gold and the Beautiful...All Made up. Credits in the United States of Tara...this is a particularly shrewd move and I'm pretty sure all evidence of this show has been destroyed in an effort for America to save face with the rest of the world. "Wild Girls Gone." You can't make this shit up. 

I'll now be convinced till the day I die that Kevin Farley is actually Chris, flying under the radar all these years. It makes sense, I'd want to get away if David Spade just hanging on my coattails and following me around everywhere like a puppy dog. Guy just needed a break.

QR Codes on Gravestones: Sure To Cause a Cross Generational War

ABC - Call it tombstone technology. Some gravestones can now link loved ones to online memorials using a smartphone. A monument company in Indiana is offering to put QR codes on headstones. You scan it with your smartphone and the codes connect you to a memorial website about a loved one, including photos, biography, and other information. They can even send text messages to the family or share stories. The company says it's selling several of the headstones each day.

Well that's going to be the icing on the cake. You're just going see widespread brawls taking place in the middle of funeral processions from here out. Old people swinging canes and walkers, ringing the bells on their life alert alarms to bring reinforcements, versus, teenagers and twenty somethings raising holy hell with their damned modern techmogizmos.

Nothing will divide the crowd more than some youngster with a smartphone reading the QR code on the grave stone and chuckling at old family videos of the deceased while the old folks mourning their loss in the more traditional way stand a few feet away. Oldie's already think whiffersnappers and their cellphones are  the down fall to society and you can't go anywhere without seeing them. The cemetery was like their Fortress of Solitude when it came to that kind of stuff...not so much anymore gramps.

PS: I'd want my QR Code to go to something really creepy, something like:

If You Weren't Sure Before, Chris Bosh is Def the Odd Man Out in the Big 3

If this picture doesn't just define Bosh's role with the big three in Miami, I don't know what does. I mean look at it...

First off, they threw him at the very end of the bench. I don't know if that's his usual spot, or if its punishment for that 1970's clown suit he's wearing, but it says alot. By placing Bosh in that spot James and Wade effectively don't have to look at the Bostrich, at all. Just cast off, probably craning his bird neck all night long trying to get into whatever the guys on the bench were joking about. Poor guy. 

Secondly, look at his posture! Now look at James' posture. This is a man who DEFINITELY gets stuck with the middle seat on team flights. The guys on the Heat must pull straws to decide who gets to sit next to Bosh on flights. Just dominating the armrests and legroom from take off to landing while he insecurely cowers in the middle seat. 

Just look at him. James all comfy, elbows and legs spread wide, like he's taking a nice and relaxing shit on the toilet (the Heat backups actually were taking a shit on the court at that moment, so its nice symmetry really), while Bosh has to pull the always awkward and uncomfortable shoulder across your chest move and is clenching his legs together. It is the picture of uncomfortableness. He looks like a movie character who was just sexually abused and is afraid of human contact. 

Ladies and Gentelman, Chris Bosh...The Sexually Abused Character in a B Movie, and 1/3 of the Miami Big Three. 

President Obama Slow Jams the News, Presumably Takes Huge Jump in the Polls

Not even kidding, THAT is how you win an election. THAT is the Obama everyone voted for four years ago. THAT is the Obama that'll make Romney look like a stale cracker (lazy pun totally intended) this fall. 

Voting for that Obama is fun. Don't look at his track record, it's been so-so, but no need to point that out. Don't look at the fact that there's no evidence that he's an effective leader capable of shaping congress' opinion, in fact, pay no attention at all to the fact that this probably alienated 60-65% of congress, this is just how you win an election, you make it fun. Voting for Romney is going to be like watching paint dry, like folding tighty-whitey's in the laundry, like doing taxes. He might have the requisite financial knowledge and experience to lead our country out of our current fiscal quagmire, but it'll be boring as shit, will probably involve things like hard work, personal accountability, and due diligence...No thanks bro. 

Obama's got it figured out. The way to win an election is to turn it into a high school class president election, all you gotta do after that is be the most popular guy in the room. Check and Mate.


PS:

"So I said, Whats good Shawty? And that's how Michelle and I met."

 H/T to @jose3030 for the screen grabs. 

Pretty Sure Someone Found a Way To Dig the MBTA Out of Debt

Simple and to the point. I know the MBTA launched their own store at some point last year, selling subway memorabilia and ludicrously overpriced, subway branded jeans, but I really feel they're missing their market here. 

I mean, they pay attention to #MBTA tweets, right? They see that most of their customers are A) Perturbed if not outright angry, and B) Love ironic humor, right? That's what makes this shirt gold, they should be kicking themselves that they didn't come up with this first. 

They completely missed their target demographic, these shirts are going to sell like hotcakes*. And spare me the idea that you can't sell something making fun of your service, you guys are facing a massive debt, and again, you're attempting to sell subway branded designer jeans for $159 a-pop, you should be open to anything and everything, including self-depreciating humor. You may have found a nice niche market buying vintage subway signs and train models, but this here shirt has mass appeal, that's what you gotta be going for in a time like this. 

*This is an interesting saying as I have no idea what a hotcake is, nor have I ever seen a hoard of people lining up to buy one. What gives here?

Deion Sanders Assaulted By Ex-Wife, Followed By Hilarious Real Time Tweets

Quality Family Time in the Sanders' Household

Yahoo - Deion Sanders' contentious divorce took another ugly turn on Monday, when the Pro Football Hall of Famer posted a photograph of him and his two sons filling out a police report against their mother, Pilar Sanders. He captioned the photograph with the message, "filling out police reports now! Thank God for this platform to issue the Truth." Last month, Pilar Sanders filed a $200 million defamation lawsuit against her husband. She was responding to a tweet from Deion's daughter, Deiondra, which said Pilar was a "gold-digging [expletive]." Deion later explained that the statement couldn't be defamation because it's true.

This whole thing was hilarious to follow yesterday afternoon. Apparently the whole thing stems from Deions daughter slamming his ex-wife (presumably not the children's mother? I don't know I can't figure that part out) for being a gold digging hoe (her words, not mine). Apparently, the wife took offense to this, as one would, and decided to sue Deion for a perfectly reasonable sum of $200 million (insert pinky in mouth Dr. Evil style). Because that seems like a fair amount for libel, it did after all unfairly defame her character, she went from someone I'd never heard of before to... well, someone I still haven't really heard of, but I hear she's a gold digger, and I'll probably forget about her next week. 

But here's where it gets good...instead of coming out and apologizing, or saying he can't control what his daughter tweets, or just dismissing a $200 million lawsuit as a joke, or even just saying "No Comment," Deion comes out and says:

 Any statements made by any defendants were true, did not create a false impression...Deion also claims the "h*e" insult didn't actually hurt Pilar's reputation -- especially not to the tune of $200 million.

Hilarious. Not only is he not backing down, not only is he confirming it is true, that his ex-wife is a gold digging hoe, but he's also claiming that being known as a hoe doesn't even hurt her reputation. That's gold, you can't ask for a better response. Do you know how low a person's standing and reputation has to be that being publicly branded a "hoe" doesn't even move the needle as to how they're perceived?  Who the hell did Deion marry? Some local hooker in an attempt to have a real life black version of Pretty Woman? 

Also, for the record, I'm on Deion's side here...the fact that she's asking for $200 mm for an innocuous tweet that largely would have been ignored if she hadn't make a lawsuit out of it to begin with, kinda proves that she is in fact, a gold digging hoe. Pretty sure that's all the evidence a judge will need. 

Saints Wire Tapping: At Least Someone At ESPN Gets It (And it's not Schlereth)

ESPN - Wait: The allegations against Mickey Loomis make no sense? How on earth is that? How is the notion of no value that Loomis, the GM of the New Orleans Saints, had electronic access to the real-time, in-game conversations of rival coaching staffs? Ask the NFL why it has rules to prevent that kind of stuff in the first place. It is because such access would be of incredible value. How is it that so many rush forward so quickly to explain that Loomis wouldn't understand the lexicon of coaching well enough to help the Saints gain an edge in a game? The Saints play their divisional opponents twice a season, every season. Every scrap of information is critical. The edge is so obvious, you'd have to be willfully ignorant not to see it. Of course the Saints would benefit from such a system. Of course it's against the rules...As to what Loomis could or could not decipher from among another team's complex set of play calls and jargon, it's almost entirely irrelevant. It pales next to the idea that if you can eavesdrop on something, you can record it. If you can record it, you can review it. You can decode the jargon. You can store information for the games to come.
 

Holy shit, someone at ESPN gets it! HALLELUJAH! Look, ESPN should be embarrassed, nay, that's not strong enough, EMBARRASSED for Schlereth and Polians initial stance on this matter (in fact, I'm pretty sure they are, since I couldn't find that clip anywhere on their site after it was front page yesterday).

 How is it that so many rush forward so quickly to explain that Loomis wouldn't understand the lexicon of coaching well enough to help the Saints gain an edge in a game?

My thoughts exactly, Mark Kreidler

Polian, firstly, is the last person who should be giving unbiased opinions on anything related to front office issues...the guy is like 4 months removed from his own front office job. To say he might be partial towards certain teams and individuals is an understatement. And Schlereth? To directly compare this to stealing hand signals (so talking about the Patriots and Spygate, without actually talking about the Patriots and spygate), and say this is less of an offense, is the SINGLE MOST LAUGHABLE EVENT ON TELEVISED ESPN HISTORY. 

Yes Schlereth, that minimum wage intern recording hand signals from the stands went back during the 20 minute halftime, decoded them, and brought his dossier of intel to the coaching staff...That's more likely than a guy listening in on opposing coaches mic's while sitting right next to the coaching staff in their booth, gaining an advantage? Or, I don't know, recording those conversations and using them in the future? This right here, sums it up:

Of course the Saints would benefit from such a system. Of course it's against the rules...As to what Loomis could or could not decipher from among another team's complex set of play calls and jargon, it's almost entirely irrelevant. It pales next to the idea that if you can eavesdrop on something, you can record it. If you can record it, you can review it. You can decode the jargon. You can store information for the games to come.

What it all boils down to is this: Patriots: Bad, Saints: Holy Saviors. That's the way it's been since Katrina. And before I sound too callous, I get that they earned a bit of goodwill, but not this much, and they certainly used up whatever was left of it during their Bounty Scandal. It's despicable to think they have any defenders at this point.

Sports media watching types are going to have a field day in the coming weeks trying to keep track of all the people who ripped the Patriots for spygate, and seeing how they react to the Saints own, technologically advanced method. And the same goes for Goodell and the front office. If this is confirmed through reliable sources he has to act. It doesn't matter that you just imposed some pretty hefty sanctions not even a month ago for their previous scandal. You have to act. More fines, more lost draft choices, and maybe, longer suspensions (for Loomis in this case).

All Us White People Look-A-Like

I'll plead the 5th on this one, I stared at this thing for an embarrassing amount of time trying to figure out who it was. I mean, if it's not Radcliffe or Elijah Wood, who is it? Not even kidding, about 5 minutes later I figured out what was going on.

For the record you could have thrown in Tobey Maguire too, I'm still not sure I know the difference between him and Elijah, never seen them in the same place at the same time either, for that matter. 

I Actually Found Jusin Bieber Funny This Weekend, Goddamnit.

TMZ - It's been nearly six months since we've heard a peep from Mariah Yeater, the girl who claimed to have birthed Justin Bieber's baby -- but The Biebs resurrected her yesterday via Twitter ... with a little help from Borat. Yeater's case was tossed out of court and she's been radio silent since last November, but Bieber decided to call her out anyway. The Biebs tweeted, "Dear mariah yeeter...we have never met...so from the heart i just wanted to say..." and then he linked to a video of Borat saying "You will never get this" over and over.

Well the world has officially gone to shit folks, I actually found something Justin Bieber did amusing. That's it. I was the last lone hold out. I've never, ever, listened to one of his songs straight through, I picketed outside MTV when I heard he was going to get to host an episode of Punk'd, and up until a year ago, I really couldn't have identified a single song of his. He just didn't intrigue me.

But this, this was world class trolling. So congrats Bieber, you beat me.

Red Sox Fans Pulse Check: Full Fledged Panic

It's time, no more cutesy "don't worry guys, they'll pull out of it," bologna. This team is in serious trouble. Yes their schedule has been tough, yes it gets easier for the next month or so, but none of that changes the fact the Sox could name me the 8th inning reliever and there wouldn't be much of a drop off at all as far as bullpen performance goes. Hell, you could argue the pen would be a little better in the short term, there'd be no scouting reports available on my stuff so it'd take a few outings for the league to catch up to me. I lit up the speed gun at a Sea Dogs game a couple seasons ago, 69 mph of pure gas, put me in coach.

None of that is an exaggeration...the bullpen is seriously bad, and that's not Bobby V's fault. As much as I want to shit on him, as much as I'd like to think it's all his fault and if he weren't here we'd be cruising right along, it's just not true.  All the negativity towards Bobby V this season has been misplaced (with the exception of the Youkilis thing). It's a reaction to the ownership and their handling of Francona. It really hasn't been Bobby's fault, every single person he's turned to out in that pen has failed him at some point or another this season. Every single one. Look at this:

Apologies to Bowden and Atchison who apparently had a good inning or two while I was taking a piss or something, because other than that, every time Bobby's called on the bullpen, I've had to seriously debate turning the game off instead of further torturing myself. It's just gross. (And yes, Bard isn't in the bullpen, honestly, I spent 5 minutes cropping that thing together and realized my mistake and couldn't be bothered to fix it. My logic? He's going to be in the bullpen soon anyway, see below). 

This has led to widespread hysteria on the radios. Debating whether Bard should move back to the bullpen (sure to be a season long story line), as if he'd be able to pitch innings 6-9 every day, news flash people, one man isn't going to fix this smorgasbord of shit the sox have assembled...And that's not even the worst of it. For some unfathomable reason I decided to listen to the Baseball Show on Saturday morning, do you want to know what they discussed for a solid 10 minutes? Aaron Freaking Cook. Panicking because they only have until May 1st to decide whether to bring him to the bigs or cut him. HE'S AARON FREAKING COOK! Listen, I'm sure he's having a great spring against the minor leaguers, but if we're sitting here thinking that Aaron Freaking Cook is going to be a real help to this team, then we badly need a coming to reality moment where we just accept this team is going to more or less suck for the 2012 season, end of story. 

It's a shame too, because the offense can hit. The job they've done while missing 3/3rds of what was supposed to be their starting outfield has been remarkable (not that Bobby will get any credit for that), but the pitching staff might as well bring out the "L" shaped screen if they're going to keep tossing out batting practice every day.

PS: I forgot to touch on the starting pitching, they've sucked too, if you were wondering. Not Doubront though, he's been a revelation.

Ladies and Gentelmen, Metta World Peace of Shit

What a frigen dirtbag. There is just no place for this, and no place for Ron Artest in the NBA. Change your name all you want, that thug-life piece of dirt will always be you. To make matters worse there's this:

Really guy? You can't just come clean like a man? Spare me the you didn't see him, didn't know he was there, didn't mean to hit him shit. It's all bullshit. You knew damn well what you were doing, I don't doubt you're sorry, sorry you got caught, and sorry for the results, but no sane human being thinks you didn't know what you were doing there. You may not have meant to hit him in the head, but you meant to hit him. Vicious elbows to the air aren't usually part of celebrations or King-Kong routines like you tried to claim to the ref. It's pure thuggery and that's it.

And honestly, I wish you would have squared off with Serge Ibaka, I'm fairly certain he'd have eaten your lunch. You may have a bit of a weight advantage, but this guys from Africa. I'm fairly certain he had to catch and kill lions for family dinner before being allowed to go out and play with his friends on the weekends as a kid. Your prancing and preening aren't intimidating him.

As for the suspension that is surely coming, I've read quite a bit that there's precedent in 1-3 games for elbows; A) I think Ron's past has to be taken into account, you don't just ignore the fact that he's been an asshole more or less for his whole career, and no, I don't care that he's been good for a couple of seasons, and B) He doesn't even get to think about playing again until James Harden can, and even then, I'd tack on the 2-3 games after that. If Ron Artest is allowed to step on the court before Harden does, then the league doesn't truly care about player safety, plain and simple.

Today's Boston Area Weather Forecast

Yup. 

How Is It Possible That I Paid More for this Web Design than North Korea Did for Theirs?

Fox News - Robert Westmore of Southern California designs websites for a living -- but he was shocked to learn that he had designed a new homepage for the reclusive North Korean regime. “I had no idea,” he told FoxNews.com in an interview. “Honestly, I didn't even know North Korea had a website.” While the notorious totalitarian government continues to spend hundreds of millions on failed rocket launches, North Korea skimps in other areas, notably web design. Indeed the country spent just $15 redesigning its national homepage, korea-dpr.com -- a fact accidentally discovered by an unsuspecting college student. Son-il built the site, he said -- along the way paying that $15 to Robert Westmore, a freelance web designer from the West Coast who had posted the template for general consumption on ThemeForest.com, an online exchange where designers can show off their wares. Such templates are primarily intended for personal blogs on WordPress or Blogger -- not for government or international regimes. 

What the hell! $15, either North Korea drives a hard bargain, or I got ripped off and someone owes me $60, because that's how much more I paid for this template, meanwhile North Korea's over here delusionally working on world supremacy and shaking down America's web designers. 

I'm dumbfounded, I honestly don't know which is more embarrassing, that North Korea, a whole country, spent less on web design than a guy who blogs as a hobby each morning before work, or, that I paid 5x the price Kim Jong Il negotiated and his site looks like Fire (for a blog anyway, for an official government domain its a bit of a joke). 

Someone get me this Robert Westmore's contact info, I need to know if he's still running the $15 Sovereign nation special for web designs or if that deal was only the kind of thing you give to foreign dictators.

Do Senior Citizens Love Junk Mail?

Fox News - Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is making a top-to-bottom case for prompt passage of a Postal Service reform bill that if defeated, he says, would deny seniors their beloved junk mail. “I’ll come home tonight here to my home in Washington and there’ll be some mail there,” the Nevada Democrat said Wednesday on the Senate floor. “A lot of it is what some people refer to as junk mail, but for the people who are sending that mail, it’s very important. “And when talking about seniors, seniors love getting junk mail. It’s sometimes their only way of communicating or feeling like they’re part of the real world.” 

Look, I don't want to say Harry Reid is misinformed, I'm sure he's got plenty of great college interns working for him, but I can tell you right now what my grandfather's going to say if I call to ask him his feelings on junk mail: "It's all JUNK!" Maybe, he's replace junk with rubbish, but it would definitely be capitalized like, RUBBISH. 

I sincerely hope there's no one out there who feels connected to the world because they got a credit card offer, one of those American Publishers Clearinghouse sweepstakes things where you're notified that "YOU'VE ALREADY WON $10K!" (someone tell Ed McMahon I'm still waiting on my gigantic check), and coupons for 50% off fancy feast cat food, that's truly depressing. At a bare minimum there's at least the TV to watch. It's not like the old days when people got old they either sat around in silence all day or got shipped off on an iceberg or anything, there's TV Land re-runs, Dr. Oz (old people seem to love him and his constant pushing of fish oils), and the Hallmark channel still shows Murder She Wrote (a fantastic show, IMO). 

Bottom line is, there's no reason to believe anyone, anywhere, loves junk mail. Sorry Harry.

Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding is Must See TV

 STOP THE FIGHT! Talk about an upset for the ages, Christ I did not see that one coming.

A little back story: 

TMZ -  Every reality show on the planet should give up NOW -- because the girls on TLC's "My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding" just set the record for the wildest, most ruthless catfight of all time ... and it was all caught on tape. The fight went down last November at a "gypsy" wedding in West Virginia -- the smaller girl (Mellie) hails from the groom's side and the bigger girl (Diamond) was the maid of honor. Sources tell TMZ, neither side of the family exactly approved of the union -- but Mellie took it one step further after the ceremony ... running her mouth about how the bride and groom don't belong together. Diamond caught wind of it ... and FLIPPED -- shoving Mellie to the ground outside the church. 

So those are gypsies? From West Virginia? I would not have guessed that. That might be more of an upset than Half-Pint over here pummeling that Land Monster after that initial brutal shove. I mean she threw her 4-5 feet backwards, I've got to hand it to that tiny gypsy, she's freaking scrappy. 

Back back to the gypsies from West Virigina thing, are we sure that's right? My knowledge of gypsies to this point is from children's folk-tales and Borat. I assumed they all traveled in covered wagons and essentially wore a variation of hippy clothes...these people look like your typical Jersey Shore guidos...And West Virginia? Not one of these people is wearing flannel, I call bunk on that. 

Either way though, fight of the year, upset of the decade in my opinion.

Happy Birthday Fenway!

Happy Birthday Fenway, 100 years, pretty amazing when you think about it, and judging by some of the pictures through the years that I've just browsed, it appears you've got a Benjamin Button thing going on, actually looking better and younger with age. 

I don't have much to add, I'm not a historian, and I certainly can't wax poetic, so I'll just say this, Thanks for my first game, thanks for every game since, and thanks for those to come (except for those where I'm sitting in section 3 and am uncomfortable the whole time). I will, however give you my favorite game at Fenway

It was the 2003 ALDS, Game 3, Sox vs. Oakland. My friends and I had camped out all night for tickets, the Sox were down 0-2 in a best of 5, we didn't care. This was pre-2004 remember, this wasn't anything new, no one was reacting hysterically, it was all business as usual. Everyone had hope, we always had hope back then, but we knew the reality. I distinctly remember a cabby driving by in the middle of the night while we were all lined up, stopping, rolling down the window, and in a gruff Boston accent yelling "WE GOT 'EM RIGHT WHERE WE WANT EM BOYS!" That line is burned into my memory. The entire line of people camping out, mostly intoxicated, lit up with cheers. It was awesome, and so was game 3. An 11 inning thriller, culminating in this Trot Nixon Walk Off Home Run:

It sucks that the stands are blurred because my friends and I are right there in centerfield, up against the wall in the top-left, going absolutely ape shit. To this day it is the most fun I've ever had at a sporting event. Trot's home run was straight at us, Straight At Us. When I retell the story I usually say it landed a row or two in front of us, in reality it was probably 7-10 rows. That didn't stop one of my friends from leaning forward like he was going to catch it, and then falling 3 rows forward. Not that any of us try to save him, or the people he fell on even cared. Everyone was going bananas. It was incredible, and I'll always use the Fenway Park crowd that night as my barometer for how a playoff baseball game is supposed to feel. It was electric, it was alive, it was Fenway, and I hope it always will be. 

Happy 100 Years Fenway Park, and thanks for the memories.

Spirit Airlines' Secret Service Bang for Your Buck Specials!

Fox News - Spirit Airlines, the company that has mocked the likes of Tiger Woods, Charlie Sheen, Rob Blagojevich, is now capitalizing on the Secret Security prostitution scandal by advertising a special for one-way flights to Cartagena, Colombia, starting at $19.80. The Florida-based budget airline's "More Bang for your Buck" promotion, that features an ad depicting a sunglass-wearing agent in front of four scantily glad women, appears to be poking fun at the allegations that Secret Services members.

While I respect the hell out of Spirit Airlines and their on-going comical promotions, I have to question the $19.80 price tag for an international flight to Columbia...that tells me one of two things, I'm either:

A) Boarding the same plane Amelia Earhart used in her attempt to fly around the globe, or:

B) It's a clever trick and you'll be charging me upwards of $5K for a return flight home because Cartagena is not someplace anyone of non-Columbian descent would ever dream of hanging around for fun. 

That's gotta be it. 

Do People Really Not Know What The Wanted's "Glad You Came" is About?

TMZ - One of the singers from "The Wanted" has finally settled the debate -- STRONGLY insinuating the band's hit song "Glad You Came" is really about having an orgasm ... not hanging out with some chick you like. The video shows "Wanted" singer Tom Parker singing the song on the street with two fans. Everything's going fine at first -- maybe a little pitchy -- but on the last verse, Tom changes the lyrics, singing instead, "I'm glad you GUSHED" ... and gestures near his crotch. The debate's been raging for months -- so we gotta ask ...

Was this a debate? I thought everyone knew this already. I mean these guys are practicing the well established act of Musical Inception, actually pretty obviously, they're hardly being coy about it.  It's a pretty time honored tradition where artists subconciously get girls thinking about sex through seemingly innocuous lyrics. 

Were people really not aware of that? I mean, look at the lyrics:

Turn the lights out now
Now I'll take you by the hand
Hand you another drink
Drink it if you can
Can you spend a little time,
Time is slipping away,
Away from us so stay,
Stay with me I can make,
Make you glad you came

Really people, you're really debating this? That's every 21 year old's Friday night Rico Suave routine right there. Dim the lights, pour one more drink, see what happens. 

Wheres the debate?

Has There Ever Been A More Divisive Hockey Series than this Penguins v. Flyers One?

Let me preface this by saying this; I'm not a hockey fan. I'm not a pink hat bruin fan, I don't pretend to care once the playoffs start, and I never will. Hockey's not my thing and I'm not going to just pretend it is because the home town team is on a nice uptick. I root for the Bruins, sure, but I don't get involved in discussions about them, and I don't lose sleep over them. For true hockey fans experiencing this resurgence to relevance in recent years, I'm certainly glad for them, but I'm never going to pretend to really care. 

Now that that's out of the way, let me also say this: This Flyers vs. Penguins series is one of the most entertaining things I've ever seen on television, period. It's all the best parts of hockey for a nonchalant observer like myself. Hitting, fighting, genuine disgust for their opponents, and ample scoring.  It's everything I hope for when I watch a hockey game, and it's delivered every game so far. 

Now this is where actual hockey fans, radio hosts, talking heads on tv, etc...break in and say its been a disgrace, the league has lost control of the series etc, etc...Boo-fricken-hoo. 

You want some purist hockey, go watch the first two games of the Bruins series. 1-0 and 2-1. Yea they went to overtime and yea sudden death hockey is the most riveting format for all the major sports, but beyond that they were total yawners. I just can't get behind that, it simply doesn't interest me. 

You know what does interest me? 8+ goals, continuous fights out of spite, and a promise of more the next game. Traditional and old school hockey fans can say what they like, sports radio hosts can take the holier than thou role, I don't give a shit. I know that for those 60 minutes of action I am absolutely glued to the TV and that's more than I can say for just about any other hockey series in my life.