Red Sox Fans Pulse Check: Mark Prior in the House

Deadspin - It's hard to believe that despite all the comeback attempts from former Cubs pitcher Mark Prior, he hasn't actually pitched in the Major Leagues since the summer of 2006. Since then, he's tried to latch on with the Padres, Yankees, and Rangers, never once making it to The Show. Now the Red Sox are the 31-year-old's next stop on the comeback trail.

Wicked Pissah...You thought fans were fucking psyched for Aaron Freaking Cook, just wait till Mark Prior tosses out a 2 inning, 4k's, 0 hit performance against a bunch of 20 year olds for the Lowell Spinners in a few weeks.  There might be a million man march down Landsdowne to bring this guy up. 

I can hear the radio calls now: "Whatta you's guys think about moving Bahd back to the bullpen, and giving Mahk Priah a shot? This kid has talent. I'm gonna hang up and let you's discuss."

Can't wait. 

In all seriousness, hope it works out, the guy deserves a break. Maybe the Sox can call up Dr. Frankenstein or whoever kept patching up Ramon Martinez and Brett Saberhagen for their annual July-September push year after year. Worked miracles for them.

Red Sox Fans Pulse Check: Full Fledged Panic

It's time, no more cutesy "don't worry guys, they'll pull out of it," bologna. This team is in serious trouble. Yes their schedule has been tough, yes it gets easier for the next month or so, but none of that changes the fact the Sox could name me the 8th inning reliever and there wouldn't be much of a drop off at all as far as bullpen performance goes. Hell, you could argue the pen would be a little better in the short term, there'd be no scouting reports available on my stuff so it'd take a few outings for the league to catch up to me. I lit up the speed gun at a Sea Dogs game a couple seasons ago, 69 mph of pure gas, put me in coach.

None of that is an exaggeration...the bullpen is seriously bad, and that's not Bobby V's fault. As much as I want to shit on him, as much as I'd like to think it's all his fault and if he weren't here we'd be cruising right along, it's just not true.  All the negativity towards Bobby V this season has been misplaced (with the exception of the Youkilis thing). It's a reaction to the ownership and their handling of Francona. It really hasn't been Bobby's fault, every single person he's turned to out in that pen has failed him at some point or another this season. Every single one. Look at this:

Apologies to Bowden and Atchison who apparently had a good inning or two while I was taking a piss or something, because other than that, every time Bobby's called on the bullpen, I've had to seriously debate turning the game off instead of further torturing myself. It's just gross. (And yes, Bard isn't in the bullpen, honestly, I spent 5 minutes cropping that thing together and realized my mistake and couldn't be bothered to fix it. My logic? He's going to be in the bullpen soon anyway, see below). 

This has led to widespread hysteria on the radios. Debating whether Bard should move back to the bullpen (sure to be a season long story line), as if he'd be able to pitch innings 6-9 every day, news flash people, one man isn't going to fix this smorgasbord of shit the sox have assembled...And that's not even the worst of it. For some unfathomable reason I decided to listen to the Baseball Show on Saturday morning, do you want to know what they discussed for a solid 10 minutes? Aaron Freaking Cook. Panicking because they only have until May 1st to decide whether to bring him to the bigs or cut him. HE'S AARON FREAKING COOK! Listen, I'm sure he's having a great spring against the minor leaguers, but if we're sitting here thinking that Aaron Freaking Cook is going to be a real help to this team, then we badly need a coming to reality moment where we just accept this team is going to more or less suck for the 2012 season, end of story. 

It's a shame too, because the offense can hit. The job they've done while missing 3/3rds of what was supposed to be their starting outfield has been remarkable (not that Bobby will get any credit for that), but the pitching staff might as well bring out the "L" shaped screen if they're going to keep tossing out batting practice every day.

PS: I forgot to touch on the starting pitching, they've sucked too, if you were wondering. Not Doubront though, he's been a revelation.

Sox Fans Pulse Check: Abandon All Hope

Someone should tell Bobby the Rangers got 14 more runs to go.

For Chrissakes guys, pull your shit together huh? When I decided to do Sox Fans Pulse Checks this season I figured I'd have one, maybe two per week to write, not an every day emotional roller coaster...I mean, what the hell was that last night? 18-3? What are we the fucking Kansas City Royals? Shit.

Was Jon Lester serious last night? You're the ace, you were staked a 2-0 lead in the first inning, come on man! And don't even get me started on Melancon...Christ that guy sucks, he doesn't even belong in AAA, nevermind the bigs....Check out this stat line from last night:

0 Innings Pitched Folks...Melancon officially pitched as many innings as myself and all my readers combined last night, the difference? All six batters he faced ended up scoring. This guy has been the definition of terrible thus far. Bobby V, if you're taking notes, this is the guy you should be thrashing in the media. The guy that doesn't look like he's given two shits about how his performances pan out whatsoever since getting here, the guy flat out sucks.

I don't know what to make of this team now, they start out 1-5, rip off 3 straight against the D-Rays, and now drop two in a row. There's absolutely no continuity here and it's weighing heavily on my blood pressure.

Not that the Celtics and Rondo were helping me out in the coronary department last night either:

In some bizarre twist of irony I shit my pants at the exact moment I thought I was watchign the Celts season go down the shitter. Doc, please just sit Rondo these next few games, seeding be damned. Rondo going out with any kind of lingering back pains is worst case scenario for this team.

So yea, great night for the Boston sports scene.

Sox Fans Pulse Check: What to Make of the Bobby V - Kevin Youkilis Feud

Come on guys, can't we all get on the same page, you're making me look ridiculous. See, here is the peril in how I operate this blog. I search for all my stories right before I go to bed each night, wake up, take one last frantic look around the internet, and then proceed to type my ass off for the next hour in order to get my day's posts ready. On occasion I end up look like an idiot by posting something like this, right as new information is about to emerge that I probably should have taken into account, something like, I don't know, this:

Jesus, Bobby, how about a little heads up for the struggling bloggers out there. Christ, not 30 mins after I wrote yesterday's post lauding you, I see you pull this shit. Ruined my day.

So what to make of it. I honestly don't know. Radio land in Boston was pretty torn yesterday. Some supporting Bobby V saying good for him for lighting a fire under his players asses, others (probably the slight majority) calling him a buffoon for not keeping this kinda stuff in the clubhouse. Here's the thing, this is what we knew we were getting with Bobby. His mouth is an open speaker hole pretty much at all times. So it's not shocking, but that doesn't necessarily make it right. 

Here's where I fall on Bobby V...I think it's great that he's an open book, I really do. It's entertaining, it's going to give me plenty of material, and it's just nice to have insider insight for once...after years of Francona and The Hooded One babbling on about nothing it's been kind of interesting to see a man who's so willing to tell you anything and everything, states secrets included. That said, I'd rather he do it for another team. 

As interesting as it is, if it effects the players off the field, then I have a hard time seeing how it's not detrimental to the team. Bobby V has to know better than this. That wasn't some throwaway comment, I don't think he's stupid enough to think that wouldn't get noticed, and I don't think he doesn't know Youk enough to know that would piss him off. Youk is one of the last guys who needs additional motivation, if anything Youk needs a calming influence, he's an absolute hothead. What Bobby's motivations behind saying this were, I don't know...I just find it hard to believe someone that's coached for so long and is so familiar with the media didn't know what he was doing or saying here...this wasn't verbal diahrrea, this was presumably calculated. 

Was it calculated in order to get the team to rally around their teammates the way Pedroia did? Maybe. Was it calculated to alienate Youk, maybe Bobby V just doens't like him? Maybe. Did he really just misjudge the reaction Youk would have to this? Probably. 

What'll be really interesting from here on out is to see how often this comes up again, or if Valentine learned his lesson. It's fine to be an open book, its fine to take the attention away from your team, but calling out specific players publicly isn't going to fly. You can't go to battle with 25 guys who hate your guts for gossiping publicly about their psyche and internal clubhouse stuff, you just can't. If he wants to make broad, carpet statements about the team, all for it. Calling out individual players through the media? Amateur hour. 

Sox Fan Pulse Check: The 2012 Red Sox Season is Saved!

Bobby V Doing His Damn Thang

BOSTON—One of Bobby Valentine's first acts as Red Sox manager was to visit David Ortiz in the Dominican Republic and let him know how important it was to keep him on the team. Now everybody is seeing that. Ortiz, a free agent in the offseason, is off to one of the best starts of his career. On Sunday, the slugging designated hitter doubled in the go-ahead run for his seventh consecutive hit and Boston won its third straight game over the Tampa Bay Rays, 6-4.

Welp, folks, mea culpa. It won't be the last time I flip flop on my feelings about this team. And sure the pitching still sucks, but the bats are on fire. A lot of that has to do with being home, I'm sure, but still it was good to see Youk finally wake up, Papi partying like its 2004, and Mike Aviles making me say "Jacoby who?" (I kid, please hurry back Jacoby)  And hey, in a few hours this team could be a half game out, by the end of the day? First place. First place by Patriots day, its what every fan was dreaming of, right? So for today, I've got nothing to swear about, yes I could rag on Buchholz I suppose, but I'd rather focus on Beckett, who Friday proved for now that his expanded waste line does not impede him as a pitcher. So there's that. 

The 2012 Red Sox...baby steps. 

Red Sox 0-3, Time for a Sox Fans Pulse Check...

DETROIT - Bring back Terry Francona? Why not bring back Joe Kerrigan, Butch Hobson, Dave Lewis, and Pete Carroll while we’re at it? Did Bobby Valentine have any idea what he was getting himself into? After an Opening Day of excruciating pain, followed by a 10-0 Game 2 blowout, the Red Sox Sunday bookended their Lost Weekend in Motown with a defeat as hideous as any of those we lived through in 2011. They wasted 12 runs and 18 hits. They wasted four spectacular innings of relief by Vicente Padilla. They wasted the emotional rescue of Bobby V’s counterculture lineup. They blew a three-run lead in the bottom of the ninth and a two-run lead in the bottom of the 11th. They lost, 13-12, when Alex Avila smashed a walkoff blast on a 2-and-2 pitch from Mark “Schiraldi Eyes’’ Melancon. It was as bad as it gets...

THE SKY IS FALLING...and here comes the "they should have signed Papelbon comment in 3, 2, 1,...

Three games into the season, it’s clear the Red Sox have no closer. Jonathan Papelbon is with the Phillies, Andrew Bailey is on the disabled list for four months. Aceves (five batters, all have reached including Miguel Cabrera with a three-run bomb Sunday) is making Johnny “Way Back’’ Wasdin look like Dick Radatz. And poor Melancon (two games, two losses) has the look of a kid who might have trouble recovering. Melancon faced all the tough questions after surrendering the walkoff blast on a hanging curve. He said he’ll have trouble sleeping. It was hard not to feel sorry for him.

Sox management is another story. Allegedly committed to redemption after the greatest choke in baseball history, the Sox have started this season with what looks like a grossly subpar pitching staff. They have the third-highest payroll in baseball and they have no closer, a raft of suspect middle men, and two of their front three starters spit the bit in Detroit.

There we go, thanks for coming out Shaughnessey. Don't overreact to 3 games or anything. It's not like last years team went 2-10 before rattling off the best June, July, and August in baseball. And before anyone confuses me with a rose glasses colored homer, trust me I'm not. I'm as reactionary as the rest of you, when it's time for that. But right now is not that time. The Sox just got swept by the Detroit Tigers, as in the same team that just played in the ALCS last year...they're pretty good. Their offense has the single best 1-2 punch since the Manny-Ortiz heyday (maybe better, to be honest) and their pitching staff, if not great, is a little better than ours.

Still, the Sox lost two games by a combined 2 runs, both in extra innings (yes they were blown out in game two, thank you Josh Beckett). Two runs people. If they give up 1 less run in the first nine yesterday they're 1-2 and today's columns are talking about how they've turned it around...but they didn't. They got off to a horrible start, caught up, and then gave a few runs back to what will probably be the best offense in baseball. Oh well.  

Am I concerned? Obviously. But I'm more concerned with the fact that Beckett and Buchholz, two guys we really need something like 400 ip out of this year, are not performing no better than I would if you tossed me out for BP. If you ask me that's a far bigger concern than who's going to pitch the last inning of close victories...because I'd wager that number of innings is going to come in a lot smaller than the 400 ip number I'm looking at for our alleged 2nd and 3rd starters. 

But that's why I'm thankful for Shankessey. No matter how worried I get about the Sox, I always know I can go read one of his columns and immediately play the role of devils advocate, because he's always going to be a more insufferable and miserable prick than I am, always.

PS: All that said, I'm right there with the rest of you nutjobs, this next game is an absolute must win for the sox season. The sox go 0-4 and I'm calling into the sports radio shows calling for heads. There's only so much patience a man's got.

Papelbon Says Phillies Fans Are Better than Boston Fans...Seriously, Who GIVES A SHIT?

Boston.Com - Jonathan Papelbon took a break from trying to unlock the potential of cold fusion to conduct a radio interview in Philadelphia.

"The difference, I would say, between Boston and Philadelphia, is that, you know, I think that the Boston fans are a little bit more hysterical when it comes to the game of baseball. I'd say the Philly fans, I think they tend to know the game a little bit better, being in the National League, the way the game is played."

So being a fan of a National League team makes you smarter? It must be all those tricky double switches. And having the pitcher bunt, that's practically advanced trigonometry. It's confusing just to think about.

Do we have to do this, guys? I'm of course talking to the Boston sports media. Do we have to try and tear a guy down just because he left. Can we just skip the next week and a half of being all fired up over a throw away comment he made to appease his new fans and not pretend its something more than it is?

He left for greener pastures, I mean literally greener pastures, he took a boat load of money. I'm sure he looks back fondly on his time here, the World Series, the Shipping up to Boston, the Irish Jig that people still thought was so novel 4 years later. I'm sure he loved every minute of it, but here's the thing, he's not here any more.  He's in Philly.

He can't be down in Philly talking up how great the fans were up here, how we're so much better than the scumbags and thugs in Philly, he just can't.  Let it go. Doesn't make him a bad guy, it makes him smarter than you guys ever gave him credit for. 

Boston Fans Say Goodbye to Jason Varitek, Superman

FORT MYERS, Fla. (AP) - Jason Varitek spent 15 seasons as the stoic center of the Boston Red Sox, with an icy stare that never blinked and an iron jaw that never quivered. "My teammates," Varitek said, his voice shaking and his eyes welling, are "what I'm going to miss most. The hardest thing to do is to walk away from your teammates and what they've meant to you over the years."

Two world series, four no hitters, three All-Star games, 1,546 games (most for any Red Sox Catcher), in fact, first in home runs, hits, runs, rbi's, and white man flat-top hair cuts.

Imagery wise, there was the A-Rod shove, and the sight in 2004 and 2007 as Varitek jumped into the arms of Foulke and Papelbon respectively with all the excitement of a little leaguer who just won the league championship. In fact there was every comical meeting at the mound after another Papelbon save, Paps screaming and yelling, basically frothing at the mouth like a mad man after the sox won yet another game, Varitek calmly shaking his hand, same thousand yard stare he always seemed to have on.

But the one thing I'll remember most about Varitek? His song that played before every home game at bat, Kryptonite by 3 Doors Down. Released in 1999, fitting as it was the year Varitek took over full-time catching duties for good (playing about half the games in 1998), it had become a running joke over the past 5 or so years within my group of friends, each of us reporting back after attending a game to let the others know that Superman was indeed still Varitek's song.

Did the employee in charge of player music even bother asking if he wanted something else anymore? Had 'Tek really not downloaded ITunes or been to a Newbury Comics since 1999? Was the song also on repeat in his personal car (undoubtedly a Ford pickup truck, he's a Ford truck man if there ever was one)? Was his family sick of it? And most importantly, was he actually Superman?

I guess we won't get the answers now, and although I didn't get to watch his retirement speech live, I like to imagine just before he addressed the media, he marched onto the field one last time to his favorite tune. So long Tek, and thank you for all the hard work, the two world series', permanently putting A-Rod in his place, and for one inside joke that never got old. You'll be missed.

I Agree with Dan Shaughnessy? I Can't Imagine Why Anyone Would Want to Coach the Red Sox

Not one offer? Really Guys

Boston - Yesterday it was Gene Lamont, a 64-year-old man who has been in professional baseball for 47 years. On Friday it was Torey Lovullo, a veteran of nine seasons managing in the minors. Last Wednesday, it was Sandy Alomar Jr., a nice former player with no managerial experience. Before that, it was 60-year-old bench coach Pete Mackanin with his nifty handkerchief, great hair, and iPad. We’ve also seen Brewers hitting coach Dale Sveum, the man who made us all forget Wendell “Send ’Em In’’ Kim. No-Names On Parade. This is the theme of the Red Sox managerial search in November 2011. Why are the Sox going low-profile in the search for their next skipper? Maybe the Globe’s Nick Cafardo gave us the answer last Sunday when he wrote about the Red Sox’ insistence on an “organizational approach’’ for their next manager. Nick explained that the Sox reject the old-school notion of “one voice,’’ and prefer managers “who take a lot of input from the front office.’’

Yikes, am I a horrible Red Sox fan? For the first time in like, ever, I'm finding myself agreeing with a Dan Shaughnessy column? I mean sure I got a chuckle out of the fact that he called "Wave 'em in" Wendell Kim, "Wendell "Send 'Em In" Kim" (not quite the same ring Dan), but other than that I found myself nodding in agreement an awful lot to this column. What does that mean? Do I have to turn in my Sox Nation membership card?

No, I'll be keeping that, I think it probably just means the Sox are in a bad enough place right now, that for the first time in like a decade, Dan's voice doesn't seem so off base...Don't get me wrong, I still find him a whining, muck raking, malcontent, its just that the circumstances fit a little better than usual right now.

Like I can't for the life of me imagine why no, experienced, good managers want, to interview for this job, who wouldn't want a handful of meddling bosses up and around your butt hole while you try to make day to day decisions for your team? Or a group of bosses that have their own personal slander media department (the Globe sports section) to discreetly rip you anytime you disagree with them, yet leaving them with complete deniability. Or a front office situation that is in such disarray that their perennial all-star closer just left town without even receiving a contract offer from the home team? You mean to tell me none of that is appealing to you as an established and well respected major league baseball coaching candidate? That's odd.

So yea, I kind of agree with Dan Shaughnessy here, the Sox leadership is a complete mess right now, and they really need to figure this out, now. Like its free agency time, teams are making offers left and right, and Ben Cherrington is still working with interior decorators to make over his office as far as I can tell. Come on guys, time to get your shit together.

Sincerely,

Sox Fan in a decidedly Pre-2004 state of mind.

Red Sox to Interview Dale Sveum for Coaching Job...Remember Dale, Worst 3rd Base Coach Ever

Guy was basically a statue like this all season long, sending everyone in sight

Boston - The Red Sox will interview Philadelphia Phillies bench coach Pete Mackanin tomorrow and Milwaukee Brewer hitting coach Dale Sveum later this week as the search for a new manager gets underway in earnest. Sveum, who turns 48 next month, was the Red Sox third base coach from 2004-05. He has been with the Brewers in the six seasons since, serving as third base coach, bench coach and hitting coach under three managers. Sveum became interim manager in 2008, leading the Brewers to a 7-5 record and a playoff spot. Milwaukee then lost a division series against the Phillies in four games. The Phillies went on to win the World Series. Sveum has three years of minor league managing experience, all coming with Pittsburgh from 2001-03. He was 213-211 and led Altoona (Pa.) to the 2003 Eastern League playoffs. Sveum played 12 years in the majors (1986-99) for the Brewers, Phillies, White Sox, Athletics, Mariners, Pirates and Yankees. He hit .235 with 69 home runs.

Is everyone ok with this, because I sure as shit am not.  Dale Sveum, are we serious here? Nothing against Dale the person, I'm sure he's a swell guy, but my issue is that I know his name at all. His career resume reads like a hanger-on'er bench coach here, third base coach here, batting coach here, etc...I shouldn't have a clue who he is, but I do, and that's generally not a good thing for a career assistant. Take this Pete Mackanin, guys been in baseball in some form since 1973, never heard of him, and that's a good thing.

The only reason I've heard of Dale Sveum is because he was perhaps the worst 3rd base coach in Red Sox history outside of Wave 'Em In Wendell, and frankly, if Dale's name began with a "W" we would have honorarily bestowed Wave 'Em In to him as a nick name. Nothing funny went with Dale, that's all. But back to my point, if I know who you are as a third base coach, you suck at your job. I couldn't tell you who the 3rd base coach has been for the past few years for the Sox, no idea. And it's not like I'm not watching the games, or that I'm completley oblivious, if someone said the name I'd be like "oh yea it's him," but there's just no way I can think of it off the top of my head...Dale hasn't been here for like 5 years and I still remember him getting runners buried at the plate. And in case you think it's just me, irrationally hating on this guy, check out his wiki: "Most Hated Third Base Coach on a team that won the World Series." Not a title you aspire to. (actually check out his wiki page, its hilarious).

So count me as out on this one, unless it's written into Dale's contract that he has no control over base running, bunting, and giving signs whatsoever, I think I'll pass, sorry Dale.

Yet Another Character Assasination Piece by the Globe

Don't worry Terry, I got your back.

I knew, as a Red Sox fan my whole life, that the reaction to the biggest September collapse in baseball history was going to elicit very strong emotional reactions, some bordering on irate temper tantrums. But the resulting fallout from this year’s collapse has been nothing short of a complete nuclear meltdown in terms of organizational structure. From an article published in the Boston Globe, (let it be known I despise this newspaper vehemently for their blatant and consistent negativity/unfair portrayals of prominent team members as well as possessing the most liberally slanted pieces known to man, but I couldn’t deprive myself of an opportunity offer my scrutiny on the assertions made within the piece) small pieces of evidence were turned up (players (Josh Beckett/John Lackey) blatantly admitting they care more about their stats and how much fried chicken they are getting in the clubhouse during the team completely free falling) as well as prominent “leaders” like David Ortiz mutating into from gregarious, fun loving clubhouse leader into a completely self involved asshole who put DAVID ORTIZ over everything else he formerly represented, like loyalty and integrity for this franchise. His publicly questioning Alfredo Aceves not being a starter undermining management at a critical juncture of the season as well giving an ESPN interview post collapse which was 50 % assuaging his ego/reputation and 50 % one of the most transparent negotiation tactics I have ever seen were just two instances of his falling a few step down the ladder of respectability. From some of his quotes:

“There’s too much drama here”

Translation: I’m creating leverage by giving the impression I might leave due to internal team turmoil, which serves as a great bargaining chip.

“They (the Yankees) do things right.”

Translation: Further driving my price tag up by using the Yankees financial resources and need for a DH to my advantage.

“I don’t know what my future holds”

Translation: Creating artificial uncertainty and hoping he gets a fat paycheck before Prince Fielder does because he will be fucked otherwise.

Result: There is a method to fair negotiations, and as far as I’m concerned, stringing a fan base along with vague remarks and using an epic team failure as a method of getting paid is an asshole move.

Bringing up some issues and illustrating the extent of potential clubhouse dysfunction for the Red Sox I’m completely fine with. However, there is a portion of this article I have MASSIVE issues with, and as a fan, am completely disgusted with, even ashamed that a media outlet responsible for covering my team dabbles in such reprehensible smear tactics. I refer to the portion of this abominable piece of passive aggressively written vitriol making some very dangerous insinuations about Terry Francona AFTER he has left the team.

By numerous accounts, manager Terry Francona lost his ability to prevent some of the lax behavior that characterized the collapse. Team sources said Francona, who has acknowledged losing influence with some former team leaders, appeared distracted during the season by issues related to his troubled marriage and to his health.

Francona spent the season living in a hotel after he moved out of the Brookline home he shared with Jacque, his wife of nearly 30 years. But he adamantly denied his marital problems affected his job performance.


“It makes me angry that people say these things because I’ve busted my [butt] to be the best manager I can be,’’ Francona said. “I wasn’t terribly successful this year, but I worked harder and spent more time at the ballpark this year than I ever did.’’


Team sources also expressed concern that Francona’s performance may have been affected by his use of pain medication, which he also vehemently denied. Francona said he has taken pain medicine for many years, particularly after multiple knee surgeries. He said he used painkillers after knee surgery last October and used them during the season to relieve the discomfort of doctors draining blood from his knee at least five times.


Francona acknowledged that he consulted the team’s internist, Dr. Larry Ronan, during spring training after one of his children expressed concern about a pill bottle in his hotel room. Francona said the doctor told him he did not have a drug abuse problem. Ronan could not be reached.
“I went and saw the proper people and it was not an issue,’’ Francona said. “It never became an issue, and anybody who knew what was going on knows that.’’


Francona is out the door already, trying to establish a new chapter of his life, having orchestrated a largely successful 8 years as Red Sox manager. But the Globe sees it fit to kick him in the ass AGAIN and smear him in shit, despite the fact he’s not even our manager anymore. “Team sources?” That sounds like journalistic bullshit for “Someone heard something somewhere at…some point which MIGHT be true so I’m going to use it for my story” to me. Francona probably appeared distracted during the season because he probably WAS distracted. Divorce often is an emotionally draining and miserable process. But from what I saw, Francona admirably separated his professional and personal life, weathered the deluge of criticism after the 2-10 start, remained loyal to the players, continued managing as he always did, and had the team at 84-54 by the start of September. I’ll go ahead and say, despite the difficulties of his divorce, he was still able to do his job effectively. It’s not his fault our team shat their pants and sunk faster than the Titanic.

These “Team Sources” also were concerned he was abusing pain killers?? His child, who is concerned for their fathers welfare, wanted to make sure everything was well with their father’s health. If Franconna were this pill popping drug addict, would he have gone and seen a DOCTOR for it? Probably not. Addicts are often marked by a vehement denial that they have even have a problem. Terry, out of respect for his child’s concern, made a responsible decision in visiting a health professional in order to put any potential doubt to rest. I sincerely doubt Lackey and Lester would have instantly started doing more wind sprints if Terry took one less Vicadin a day But no, these wild speculations based on SOLELY a truly terrible month of baseball are the justification for using a man’s personal life as a reason for a team failure. Not only is this wrong, I find it utterly and completely reprehensible. It is an attempt, for no discernible reason, to denigrate the character and reputation of the BEST manager in Red Sox history. Even on his way out, when he had every opportunity to trash the players and organization, Terry Francona handled himself with class. The demon spawn called journalists might try to paint an ugly picture, but for my part, I will always respect, admire, and wish Tito well. I would hope others will remember and see him for who he truly is, not what the media is trying to transform him into.

Despite the Wreckage and Heartbreak of 2011, I’m Still Damned Proud to be a Boston Sports Fan

           Look, I’m not going to slice this cake any other possible way: The Red Sox absolutely and 100 % collapsed on us.  It adds yet another dark pages to the annals of Boston sports history that will cause us (by “us” I mean people who care deeply about the team, known in some regions as “fans” and not douche bag pink hats who wave their cell phone at Fenway Park to get on TV) all to avoid eye contact with everyone and stare blankly into our beer glasses.  This type of event is always accompanied by the same miserable set of actions that fans take to shut out additional pain: avoiding any type of sports broadcasting medium at the risk of blood shooting out our eyes, second guessing a million different managerial decisions over the course of a season, and stumbling around our existence with a sullen faced, glassy eye disposition similar to that of a proverbial Eeyore.

How every Red Sox fan feels right now

              I suppose the earliest indicator that set the foundation this miserable futility actually occurred in mid-July post All Star break, when we lost 3^rd starter Clay Buchholz for the season.  It was a tough hit to take even then, but it truly exposed how thin the team was at middle relief as a bullpen.  Everybody not named Alfredo Aceves (whose fucking FANTASTIC season will largely be forgotten in lieu of how the season finished; Jacoby Ellsbury will also be a victim of this as well.) decided to engage in various levels of epic suckitude over the next few months, with a special type of awfulness reserved for September.  Throw in the fact that Kevin Youkilis, a key fixture in our lineup, was playing with 481 separate injuries and producing nowhere near what he was capable of, Adrian Gonzalaz had the “Home Run Derby” second half power outage. (I think he hit 3 or 4 home runs in the second half of the season.  I’m too tired/still bitter to look up exact numbers) not to mention his strikeout rate went up about 10-15 %.  Our 4^th/5^th starters became just a synonym for “automatic losses,” especially when Andrew Miller pitched.  Lackey and Crawford, despite all those zeros on their paychecks, weren’t turning around their shitty seasons.  The blood stained writing was on the wall of the massacre that was to descend on our season, we just didn’t see it until we were in complete free fall and fans everywhere were panicking like an extra in a Jason Voorhees film.

Nothing will ever elicit the utter heartbreak and palpable grief generated in such droves as did the ending of the 2003 Red Sox season.  That season was akin to dating a dream girl, having everything going perfectly, pulling power moves you never knew you had, coming home to surprise her with an engagement ring, only to find her having sex with your asshole neighbor: crushing, emotional pain right to the core of your being, and an inability to function as a human stemming from the shattering disappointment that you were so loyal for such a miserable ending.  The 2011 season, while also shitty and miserable in its ending, generated of a different breed of pain.  This one was more like you found another dream girl and for a while it was going perfectly, maybe even better.  But then you discovered she had some annoying habits, started casually flirting with other guys at the bars, didn’t seem as into you as before, and ultimately tells you she’s breaking up with you.  It was a slow poisonous pain that coursed through our collective veins, causing us vast amounts of psychological distress as we tried to come up with a plan to eradicate or at least slow down the misery.  But, like a breakup you can see coming, there’s the initial gut punch, then a strange sense of acceptance, a sort, “All right, This sucks, but I guess I knew this wasn’t going anywhere anyway.”  Did I want the 2011 Red Sox to make the playoffs? You bet your ass I did.  Worst case scenario, I would much rather be labeled an underachieving team than one that was historically bad in the most crucial month of the season.  But in all fairness, what were these Sox going to do in the playoffs?  In all likelihood, based on the overall shittiness of the pitching/complete no show days of offense, we likely would have bowed out to a superior Texas team 3-1 at best.

However, the point of all this painful recollection is to high light something I did this morning upon finishing my breakfast (oatmeal with peanut butter and raisins, a fantastic fucking budget meal for a college undergrad)  The Red Sox hat I had been holding as last night’s traumatic events were unfolding, was sadly dropped to the floor as I headed off to bed, dejectedly asking myself why I even bother following these teams.  But this morning, I dusted off the hat, and will proudly wear it as I always have.  Despite all of the emotional turmoil, I am damned proud to be a Red Sox fan.  Year in and year out, the Red Sox have a (mostly) competitive team to root for, as rabid a fan base as you will find ANYWHERE in the country (I challenge any other city to have fans as knowledgeable about the sports they follow than in Boston.) and a team ethos that is committed to making improvements on the previous year’s edition.  There are literally 15-18 others teams that are completely content, despite having ample resources because contrary to popular belief, baseball owners are rich motherfuckers, to wallow in mediocrity without the chance of even sniffing greatness.  Our owners, like many others, have shitloads of money, but they pump significant amounts of it into our team to ensure that we at least have a chance at the ultimate prize.  We may not take the World Series every year or even make the playoffs sometimes.  The past two years are indications that having your best players get season ending injuries isn’t conducive to long term success in a season. 

But fandom with any team, especially the Red Sox, isn’t a “hit-it-and-quit-it” arrangement.  Despite the reactive nature of Boston fans, they will recover and in time will be concocting visions of grandeur based on how next season’s team will look.  This is a marriage, “a til death do us part” pact, and like the institution just mentioned, there are going to be both good times and bad.  This happens to be one of those times where you hang your head and take the daggers thrown at you by national media and other fans alike.  But when we come back (and we WILL come back; this team was a fucking powerhouse pre-injuries) the victory at the end of the road will taste that much sweeter because of the doldrums we lifted ourselves from.  That my friends, is why I for one will remain steadfast in my devotion and even in the current dark days for our franchise, declare proudly, “I am a Red Sox fan.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GtQbyAnVy5I

Dr. Jack: Did you know (insert hot chick from TV show) was in Scream 4?

During one of my many daily trips to IMDB I happened to stumble across the cast list for "Scream 4". Now I wasn't thinking much of it at the time as I expected to see the regulars from the first few and maybe a few new ladies for Ghostface to off in the opening scene. However, I was shocked to see just how many actresses from TV shows would be making an appearance in the film. It was almost like they cast the movie specifically so I could write this blog!

Without further ado, I'd like to run through all the hot snatch that will be in hopefully the last "Scream". And hey, since baseball season has just started, how about I sort the ladies into a lineup? No chance this squad starts out 0-6 unless it's in a "Not Giving Dudes a Boner" contest. (I'm so upset about the Red Sox that is literally the best I can come up with right now)

1. Alison Brie
TV Credits: "Mad Men", "Community"
I'd hit her down further in the order, but I think my love for the shows she's on clouds my judgement. Still I'm expecting a spark at the top of my lineup and Brie can certainly provide that. I'm interested to see her role in "S4" because I don't think she'd look believable as a high school student compared to the rest of the cast. Wait a minute, possible sexy librarian? I can not wait for this movie!

2. Lucy Hale
TV Credits: "Pretty Little Liars"
I want my #2 hitter to be shorter so she has a smaller strike zone and can get on base easier. I also feel like this blog is starting to make me seem like a serial killer.

3. Kristen Bell
TV Credits: "Veronica Mars", "Gossip Girl", "Heroes"
The highest profile member of the lineup is Bell. Am I a huge Bell fan? No, I am not. However, her appearance will put butts in the seats and she was great in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall". Also, for some reason people loved "Veronica Mars" so we'll have that freaky group of weirdos supporting us.

4. Hayden Panettiere
TV Credits: "Heroes"
My cleanup hitter is the only girl who actually looks like she might have played sports at least one day in her life. Sure her TV career isn't that great, but at least she's got sports movie experience from "Remember the Titans" and "Ice Princess". Also, is there any doubt at all that she's getting killed in "S4"? Where are the BoDog odds for that because I'd bet my house.

5. Anna Paquin
TV Credits: "True Blood"
I didn't think of positions for everyone, but I'd definitely put Paquin at catcher because Sookie on "True Blood" can read people's minds. She'll know what the hitters are expecting and then she can call for something different. Sometimes when I come up with an idea as good as this I really scare myself. I just got chills.

6. Aimee Teegarden
TV Credits: "Friday Night Lights"
Hey look, she's in a baseball uniform! How convenient! As upset as I am about the Red Sox start, I'm even more upset about "FNL" going off the air. Luckily, I don't have DirectTV so I still have yet to see the last scenes of Teegarden as Julie Taylor. Now subtle changes in the spelling of a normal name tends to make girls seem hotter, but I can't help but feel like Aimee's parents tried a bit too hard.

7. Neve Campbell
TV Credits: "Party of Five"
The wily veteran. She's knows what's coming, she's just not fast enough to always catch up to it. Still her knowledge and leadership skills make her one of the more valuable members of the team. And if you're wondering if I'm kissing Neve's ass because I'm legitimately disappointed for how her career turned out, then you're right.

8. Shenae Grimes
TV Credits: "90210"
This chick's got a tattoo on her side which is one of the most painful places you can get one. So we know she's crazy. We want crazy on the team, but we don't put crazy in the top of the order. We want crazy at the bottom with sac bunts and hit and runs all over the place.

9. Brittany Robertson
TV Credits: "Life Unexpected"
Ok here's the deal, we needed to fill out the lineup. I'm not saying she's not attractive. She's cute, but cute as in she looks like she's fifteen. She actually will turn 20 in a few weeks so I'm not totally creepy for including her. However, I guess I am a little creepy for looking up her birthday but what makes you so fucking perfect anyway?

Pitcher. Courtney Cox
TV Credits: "Friends", "Dirt", "Cougar Town"
Probably the best TV resume on the team and we've seen from her recent bikini pics, she still has her fastball. I can't trust any of these young ladies to not pull a Lohan at any second and leave me without someone to throw the ball. I need my ace to be an actress I've known for years and have faith in. Someone who's been in a Hall of Fame show and not someone whose one hit show was only good for one season and now makes Lifetime movies. And dates a giant Russian boxer. And whose name rhymes with Smaden Bennetear.


And there's the squad. Now if you're about to write a comment saying Emma Roberts is in the movie too and she was on Nickelodeon then I want you to take a good long look at yourself and your life choices to this point so far.

Enjoy the movie everybody!

-Dr. Jack