Vlad Guerrero Doesn't Wear Batting Gloves, and He's not Fond of Condoms Either

TMZ: Former MLB star Vladimir Guerrero should be sweating the thousands of dollars he owes in child support to FIVE different baby-mamas ... but turns out the baseball star is loaded with over $25 million in the bank, this according to legal docs.

A new paternity lawsuit filed by Heidy Ogando required Guerrero to reveal his finances -- and turns out he has 8 children with 5 different women ... and shells out $25,621 a month in child support.

Here's how it breaks down:

Baby Mama #1 (1 kid): $5,237

Baby Mama #2 (1 kid): $3,214

Baby Mama #3 (2 kids):$1,655

Baby Mama #4 (2 kids): $3,465

Heidy as listed in the suit (2 kids): $12,050

Vlad the Impaler indeed.

Am I supposed to be shocked by this? That Vlad Guerrero has 8 kids by 5 women? Because I'm not...in fact, if anything I expected more, Vlad is no where near as fertile as I'd assumed an athlete of his stature would be. I mean this guy is a shoe in future Hall of Famer, and over 16 years of slaying hoodrats bare-back style, he's only knocked up 5? That's a terrible success rate. 

"But CW, how do you know Vlad always goes bare-back?"

Because the man has flat out refused to wear batting gloves his entire MLB career. If the man is superstitious enough that he won't even throw a glove on his hands, something that has been proven to help improve performance, what makes you think he's going to put some witch doctors latex contraption on his dick? He's just not going to do it. 

You sign Vlad to a baseball contract you know he's not wearing batting gloves, you pick up Vlad Guerrero at some after hours salsa bar, you know you're getting it raw. There's certain things that are just a given in life.

I Actually Found Jusin Bieber Funny This Weekend, Goddamnit.

TMZ - It's been nearly six months since we've heard a peep from Mariah Yeater, the girl who claimed to have birthed Justin Bieber's baby -- but The Biebs resurrected her yesterday via Twitter ... with a little help from Borat. Yeater's case was tossed out of court and she's been radio silent since last November, but Bieber decided to call her out anyway. The Biebs tweeted, "Dear mariah yeeter...we have never met...so from the heart i just wanted to say..." and then he linked to a video of Borat saying "You will never get this" over and over.

Well the world has officially gone to shit folks, I actually found something Justin Bieber did amusing. That's it. I was the last lone hold out. I've never, ever, listened to one of his songs straight through, I picketed outside MTV when I heard he was going to get to host an episode of Punk'd, and up until a year ago, I really couldn't have identified a single song of his. He just didn't intrigue me.

But this, this was world class trolling. So congrats Bieber, you beat me.