San Fran Library's Helping People Jerk in Secrecy

Fox News - Officials in San Francisco have reportedly installed plastic privacy screens at the city’s main library to block pornographic images from the eyes of other visitors..."We're always looking for any kind of elegant solution that strikes a balance between the right to privacy and folks that want to use the library for any other intended purpose," city librarian Luis Herrera told the website. Adrian Dumont, a regular library visitor, is a fan of the new screens because he sees “a lot” of users viewing pornographic material. But Dawn Hawkins, executive director of the anti-pornography group Morality in Media, thinks even more should be done. "I think it's definitely not enough," Hawkins said. "Even with those protector screens, people walking directly behind somebody can see porn. I mean porn in the library? There's no place for that."

You have to respect the hell out of City Librarian (that's a real title, folks) Luis Herrera for that "we're always looking for any kind of elegant solution..." line. That is a man that is just born for politicking. I also like the fact that he's a pragmatist. As the city librarian he has his ear to the street and he knows what people currently want from their local libraries...unfiltered access to porn and a little privacy while they take care of business. I mean, just look at the rest of that sentence, "balance between right to privacy and folks that want to use the library for any other intended purpose." Any other intended purpose is basically an afterthought there...I can almost picture a local librarian being like;

 "oh, you just came here to rent a book? Ok I guess you can do that...while you're hear I should mention we also have a gold membership to Brazzers if you have a few minutes you should really check it out."

Bottom line, Dawn Hawkins doesn't want to see the citizens of San Fran taking advantage of free high speed broadband porn, go to Barnes and Noble. I don't know what gave her the idea that she could just waltz into a public building looking for free books and not catch a few eyefulls of porn, but this isn't fantasy land...This is a public city building, if people don't have a right to privacy here, where do they? Their home? Come on. I believe  it was Matt Damon's character in Goodwill Hunting who so elegantly put it:

"Liberty is the soul's right to beat off in private at the public library, your honor."

Or something like that.


PS: Does Fred Willard know about this?

Boston Gives Break-Up Advice to a Bunch of Geeks

BOSTON (AP) — Andrew Curtin said it happened at least twice at his Boston-area high school in the last year. Angry about a breakup, a boy ended up at the school nurse's office with a broken hand after punching a locker or a wall. "You don't think about when you see two people walking down the hall, 'Are they in a bad relationship or is it good?'" the 17-year-old Waltham High School senior said Thursday. But he was among about 250 teenagers doing a lot of thinking about healthy relationships at a seminar at Simmons College on Thursday. And the dating advice was coming from an unlikely source: city government officials...On Thursday, teens talked about breaking up by sending a text message, or being on the receiving end of one. They also spoke about fights they'd seen in their schools between students who were in competition for another student's affections, or felt jilted after a relationship ended badly. Counselors at the forum urged teens to communicate with partners about relationship boundaries, together defining whether they were "just texting," casually "hooking up," ''friends with benefits," or in a monogamous relationship. They also encouraged students to end relationships with face-to-face contact, and to look for warning signs that ongoing relationships could turn abusive.

I'm not faulting the idea, just the execution. Guys...it's the middle of summer. A gorgeous July day. You know where the guy were that could use this kind of advice? At the beach with their girls trying to figure out a good place to park later so they can get a handy and still be home in time for dinner. They certainly weren't in some college auditorium sharing their feelings about how they felt when Sally told them she'd been sending sexts of her boobs to someone else for the past few months.  I mean these weren't even your sexually active band geeks because they're all getting down at band camp right now. These are just run of the mill kids who had nothing better to do on a phenomenal summer day. Better advice would have been: How to Deal with the Fact that Popular Kids Are Rounding the Bases and You'll Have to Wait a Few Years. That would have been truly worthwhile and focused on the target demographic.

Eddie Griffin Air Humps Two Lesbos's Faces At Comedy Show, Ruckus Ensues

TMZ - The woman who chucked a drink at Eddie Griffin at a recent comedy show, Tells TMZ it was an ACT OF SELF DEFENSE ... claiming she "felt sexually assaulted" by the comedian after he pumped his crotch into her face. Fiona Walshe -- who is a lesbian -- tells TMZ ... she and her partner Leslie were having a good time at Tommy T's Comedy Club in Pleasanton, CA last week, until Griffin singled them out due to their sexual orientation. Fiona claims Griffin pointed to her and said, "You're a LESBIAN. All you need is a good man ... I'll volunteer my services. You won't be needing any strap-on's or vibrators with me." She says it got worse from there, "He started to pump his hips into my face. I felt sexually assaulted and I wanted him to stop -- then I threw the drink at him to defend myself." Fiona claims Eddie went off after that ... "He jumped off the stage and onto my table. He started grabbing everything and throwing it at me" ... including a salt and pepper shaker, she says. She continues, "Before I could get away from him he poured a water bottle on my head and threw it at me."

Had these broads never been to a comedy show before? This is par for the course. The comedian picks out a few people each show and makes the night wildly uncomfortable for them in a manner that would be judged as socially insensitive in any other setting. It's the social contract you enter when you buy tickets to a comedy show. Two drink minimum and a 1:100 chance that  your night is absolutely ruined by a comedian honing in on you. Doesn't everyone know this? You want to avoid this, you sit in the middle to back section away from center stage. You don't sit front few rows, you don't sit back row, and you try your hardest not to sit in the dead center. Otherwise, be prepared for air-face fucking and all other shenanigans.

PS: Anyone else mildly excited for when Gloria Allred undoubtedly takes this case:




Guys dead serious face gets me every time.

Sex Toy Gets the Drop on Chinese Officials Again!

HuffPo - The phrase "inflated body count' took on new meaning for 18 cops in China's Shandong Province who worked together to save a sex doll they thought was a drowning woman. The incident happened July 11 when officers responded to a report that there was a lady in distress in one of the province's rivers...It took more than 40 minutes before the officers were able to recover the pleasure toy. After confirming that they had indeed run around in a panic for nearly an hour over trying to rescue someone’s blow-up girlfriend, the police presented it to the anxious crowd, who quickly covered their children’s eyes and walked away, according to RocketNews24.com No word on how the sex doll got in the river in the first place, but the Times of India reports that Shandong is an important center for producing sex toys in China and supplies them across the globe.

Officials in China, am I right? Second time in as many months some government officials, this time the police, have been fooled by China's burgeoning sex toy business. First it was a rubber vagina they confused for a new species of mushroom, now they're running search and rescue efforts for oddly proportioned fuck dolls. Safe to say I'm still not worried about China as a global threat, just yet.

PS: Do the people of Shadong hang their hat on the fact that they're "an important center for producing sex toys?" Like is it a badge of honor, or something that brings their families shame when they go to visit other relatives..."Oh here comes the "Kim-Lee clan, don't let your kids talk to them alone, they live in Shadong, who knows what those perverts will talk about."

Utah Officials Tracking "Goat Man"

Fox News - Utah authorities are working to identify a man spotted dressed in a goat suit among a herd of wild goats in the mountains of northern Utah. The photographer who snapped blurry photos of the individual, dubbed "goat man," told Fox affiliate KSTU-TV that he spotted the man Sunday as he was descending Ben Lomond peak, about 40 miles north of Salt Lake City. "He was clumsy, working his way down the cliff trying to catch up with the rest of the herd," photographer Coty Creighton told the station. "With the binoculars, I could clearly see it was a guy dressed up in a homemade goat suit." Creighton said the man appeared to be wearing heavy gloves so he could crawl on his hands and knees. He also said that at one point, the man lifted his mask and looked up at him for several minutes. "He kind of slouched down, like was getting nervous or was feeling really self-conscious," Creighton added. "He actually got off his hands and knees and sat on the hill for several minutes until he thought I was gone."...Douglass said wildlife officials received an anonymous call Thursday from an "agitated man" after the sighting was reported in local media. The caller simply said, "Leave goat man alone. He's done nothing wrong." ...He said he pulled out binoculars to get a closer look at the herd about 200 yards away and was shocked. The man appeared to be acting like a goat while wearing the crudely made costume, which had fake horns and a cloth mask with cut-out eye holes, Creighton said. "I thought, `What is this guy doing?' " Creighton said. "He was actually on his hands and knees. He was climbing over rocks and bushes and pretty rough terrain on a steep hillside." Creighton moved down the mountain and hid behind a tree, then began snapping photographs. "We were the only ones around for miles," Creighton said. "It was real creepy." 

Do You Goat Man! Do You! I hate clipping that much of an article, but really, what would you have me do, there's just too much there.

Poor guys day is ruined.

And how about Coty Creighton just blowing this guys spot up? Like yea he was feeling self conscious, guy sits at home, sews together a home made goat suit, craws on all fours for miles into the wilderness just for some alone time with his beloved goats, only to have some granola guy out on a walk about snapping photos of him from the hillside. That shit will make anyone uncomfortable. It's like when you were a little kid, maybe like, 8-9 years old, still a child, but old enough to have some inhibitions, can't go around acting willy-nilly like you did a couple of years ago. Maybe you sneak off to your parents basement to act out a favorite scene from the most recent episode of the Ninja Turtles, you're having a blast, round house kicking the air, using an old mop handle as a bow staff, and all of a sudden out of the corner of your eye you notice one of your parents is watching you from the stairs, so you pull this dudes move. You slowly transition out of fantasy land and sit there like nothing was going on until they get bored and leave.  We've all been there, we feel  you, goat man.

Red Sox Fans Pulse Check: They're Done

I wouldn't be showing my face either

Fuck this team. I don't know how it took me this long to get to this point, but fuck em.  They're absolutely maddening. Go on a run, get a few games above .500, 1 game out of the wild card, lose 4 straight, including getting absolutely blown out the past two games. Right back in the cellar, right back under .500.

Yes they've had more than their fair share of injuries, granted, but I'd be more willing to take that argument if they team has just been wallowing miserably 10 games under .500 or so for the season...that hasn't happened. This team battled back from an ATROCIOUS start, fought themselves into contention a week or so before the all-star game, only to just throw away their last series before the break. Then we see them play the same game of yo-yo these past two weeks, taking 3 of 4 from the Chi-Sox, and then dumping the games right back. It's infuriating.

And the other thing with the injury argument...the grand majority of the injuries on this team, have been on the offensive side of the baseball, you know, the side that is, as of this morning, 2 runs behind the Rangers for the most runs scored in all of baseball. It just doesn't hold water. For the majority of the season these may not have been the guys the Sox had planned on in Spring Training, but they sure as hell produced like them.

So if the offense isn't the problem then I'd say it's safe to circle back to the pitching. IT'S THE PITCHING. They absolutely suck. Between Lester and Becket's season long dueling banjo's of suck routine, Buchholz' abysmal start, Daniel Bard pitching like Steve Nebraska in The Scout, they brought Daisuke back, the guy they traded for to be our new closer HAS NEVER PITCHED A GAME, Melancon might have set a few records earlier this year for must runs allowed in less than an inning, oh yea, and at one point the front office was so desperate that THEY BROUGHT DAISUKE BACK! Did I mention that already?  The only thing they haven't tried is trotting out that fat fuck John Lackey.

So yes, fuck this team. The 2012 Red Sox are a wrap for this guy.

The Aurora, CO Tragedy and Our National Debate on Gun Control

Jason Alexander (George Costanza) somehow put to words everything I wanted to say about the Aurora Shooting (lone crazed gunmen in general) and the state of gun control in this country, except in a more well thought out, controlled, and logical manner than I'd have ever been able to come up with.

Beyond the tragedy, the victims, and their family and friends, I spent most of this weekend thinking about, and abjectly frustrated by social media. As with seemingly every major event lately in this country there was an immediate rush by everyone to pick one extreme side on the issue, and subsequently defend it with their life. In this case, the issue being gun control. Almost immediately Facebook posts popped up lamenting the fact that we haven't abolished guns in America, and on the opposite end, gun enthusiasts (I'll refrain from saying "nuts", but honestly, if your first Facebook post after a massive tragedy is a picture of a gun or some short post about how one NRA member with a gun in the theater could have stopped it...well you're painting a pretty blunt picture of yourself all on your own) arguing the opposite; more guns, guns don't kill, people do, ban automobiles, knives, anything else that can kill...standard stuff.

Ludicrous stuff. It never ceases to amaze me these days how people automatically run to polar positions, as if actually critically thinking about the issue and recognizing that not everything is black and white, cut and dry, right or wrong, was never an option to begin with.

I think Jason Alexander, in a very sound manner, highlighted A middle position (not THE middle position, as there could be many and we should be open to other possibilities). Jason did not come out and in blanket terms call for an end to gun ownership, but he did raise some very serious questions about why certain types of guns are available for ownership in the first place. It's a well thought out argument that anyone willing to think critically and allow for reasoning, one of the few characteristics of humans that allegedly differentiates us from other living species, should be able to come to an agreement on. It's a measured and proper position given the events of this weekend and the questions that should result.

Sadly, his position (and mine), will presumably be drown out by the increasingly louder, and more populous fringe arguments. The media, instead of leading educated, researched, balanced and measured discussions and reports on the issue, will, as with most other hot button issues of late, pick a camp and pander to them. This will inevitably lead to the already loud, minority positions becoming louder, and less of a minority, as more and more misinformed or under-informed people continue to stake their position based on catchy headlines, quick skims of lede's, and biased reports (from both sides).

And that's the second tragedy of Fridays events. Yet another, very public, very visible example of our country's inability to come together and collectively make educated and informed decisions for our country's well being. And in an era of social media, where everyone has their own soapbox, it just goes to highlight that it's not just politicians creating gridlock, stubbornly unable to act or come to compromises, it's every day citizens, it's you and it's me.  Nothing, NOTHING, will change for the better in this country until people with opposing opinions come out of their bunkers, let go of their easy to grasp, dogmatic positions, and realize it's not about proving yourself right, as much as it is as GETTING it right, for everyone. That one person's belief, however strong, does not nullify another's, and that sometimes, the right decision doesn't necessarily align with personal perceptions on an issue.

Below I've copied Jason Alexanders full essay (blog, whatever) on the issue:

I'd like to preface this long tweet by saying that my passion comes from my deepest sympathy and shared sorrow with yesterday's victims and with the utmost respect for the people and the police/fire/medical/political forces of Aurora and all who seek to comfort and aid these victims.

This morning, I made a comment about how I do not understand people who support public ownership of assault style weapons like the AR-15 used in the Colorado massacre. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/AR-15

That comment, has of course, inspired a lot of feedback. There have been many tweets of agreement and sympathy but many, many more that have been challenging at the least, hostile and vitriolic at the worst.

Clearly, the angry, threatened and threatening, hostile comments are coming from gun owners and gun advocates. Despite these massacres recurring and despite the 100,000 Americans that die every year due to domestic gun violence - these people see no value to even considering some kind of control as to what kinds of weapons are put in civilian hands.

Many of them cite patriotism as their reason - true patriots support the Constitution adamantly and wholly. Constitution says citizens have the right to bear arms in order to maintain organized militias. I'm no constitutional scholar so here it is from the document itself:

As passed by the Congress:
"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."
As ratified by the States and authenticated by Thomas Jefferson, Secretary of State:
"A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed."

So the patriots are correct, gun ownership is in the constitution - if you're in a well-regulated militia. Let's see what no less a statesman than Alexander Hamilton had to say about a militia:

"A tolerable expertness in military movements is a business that requires time and practice. It is not a day, or even a week, that will suffice for the attainment of it. To oblige the great body of the yeomanry, and of the other classes of the citizens, to be under arms for the purpose of going through military exercises and evolutions, as often as might be necessary to acquire the degree of perfection which would entitle them to the character of a well-regulated militia, would be a real grievance to the people, and a serious public inconvenience and loss."

Or from Merriam-Webster dictionary:
Definition of MILITIA
1
a : a part of the organized armed forces of a country liable to call only in emergency
b : a body of citizens organized for military service
2
: the whole body of able-bodied male citizens declared by law as being subject to call to military service

The advocates of guns who claim patriotism and the rights of the 2nd Amendment - are they in well-regulated militias? For the vast majority - the answer is no.

Then I get messages from seemingly decent and intelligent people who offer things like: @BrooklynAvi: Guns should only be banned if violent crimes committed with tomatoes means we should ban tomatoes. OR @nysportsguys1: Drunk drivers kill, should we ban fast cars?

I'm hoping that right after they hit send, they take a deep breath and realize that those arguments are completely specious. I believe tomatoes and cars have purposes other than killing. What purpose does an AR-15 serve to a sportsman that a more standard hunting rifle does not serve? Let's see - does it fire more rounds without reload? Yes. Does it fire farther and more accurately? Yes. Does it accommodate a more lethal payload? Yes. So basically, the purpose of an assault style weapon is to kill more stuff, more fully, faster and from further away. To achieve maximum lethality. Hardly the primary purpose of tomatoes and sports cars.

Then there are the tweets from the extreme right - these are the folk who believe our government has been corrupted and stolen and that the forces of evil are at play, planning to take over this nation and these folk are going to fight back and take a stand. And any moron like me who doesn't see it should...
a. be labeled a moron
b. shut the fuck up
c. be removed

And amazingly, I have some minor agreement with these folks. I believe there are evil forces at play in our government. But I call them corporatists. I call them absolutists. I call them the kind of ideologues from both sides, but mostly from the far right who swear allegiance to unelected officials that regardless of national need or global conditions, are never to levy a tax. That they are never to compromise or seek solutions with the other side. That are to obstruct every possible act of governance, even the ones they support or initiate. Whose political and social goal is to marginalize the other side, vilify and isolate them with the hope that they will surrender, go away or die out.

These people believe that the US government is eventually going to go street by street and enslave our citizens. Now as long as that is only happening to liberals, homosexuals and democrats - no problem. But if they try it with anyone else - it's going to be arms-ageddon and these committed, God-fearing, brave souls will then use their military-esque arsenal to show the forces of our corrupt government whats-what. These people think they meet the definition of a "militia". They don't. At least not the constitutional one. And, if it should actually come to such an unthinkable reality, these people believe they would win. That's why they have to "take our country back". From who? From anyone who doesn't think like them or see the world like them. They hold the only truth, everyone else is dangerous. Ever meet a terrorist that doesn't believe that? Just asking.

Then there are the folks who write that if everyone in Colorado had a weapon, this maniac would have been stopped. Perhaps. But I do believe that the element of surprise, tear gas and head to toe kevlar protection might have given him a distinct edge. Not only that, but a crowd of people firing away in a chaotic arena without training or planning - I tend to think that scenario could produce even more victims.

Lastly, there are these well-intended realists that say that people like this evil animal would get these weapons even if we regulated them. And they may be right. But he wouldn't have strolled down the road to Kmart and picked them up. Regulated, he would have had to go to illegal sources - sources that could possibly be traced, watched, overseen. Or he would have to go deeper online and those transactions could be monitored. "Hm, some guy in Aurora is buying guns, tons of ammo and kevlar - plus bomb-making ingredients and tear gas. Maybe we should check that out."

But that won't happen as long as all that activity is legal and unrestricted.

I have been reading on and off as advocates for these weapons make their excuses all day long. Guns don't kill - people do. Well if that's correct, I go with @BrooklynAvi, let them kill with tomatoes. Let them bring baseball bats, knives, even machetes --- a mob can deal with that.

There is no excuse for the propagation of these weapons. They are not guaranteed or protected by our constitution. If they were, then we could all run out and purchase a tank, a grenade launcher, a bazooka, a SCUD missile and a nuclear warhead. We could stockpile napalm and chemical weapons and bomb-making materials in our cellars under our guise of being a militia.

These weapons are military weapons. They belong in accountable hands, controlled hands and trained hands. They should not be in the hands of private citizens to be used against police, neighborhood intruders or people who don't agree with you. These are the weapons that maniacs acquire to wreak murder and mayhem on innocents. They are not the same as handguns to help homeowners protect themselves from intruders. They are not the same as hunting rifles or sporting rifles. These weapons are designed for harm and death on big scales.

SO WHY DO YOU CONTINUE TO SUPPORT THEM? WHY DO YOU NOT, AT LEAST, AGREE TO SIT WITH REASONABLE PEOPLE FROM BOTH SIDES AND ASK HARD QUESTIONS AND LOOK AT HARD STATISTICS AND POSSIBLY MAKE SOME COMPROMISES FOR THE GREATER GOOD? SO THAT MOTHERS AND FATHERS AND CHILDREN ARE NOT SLAUGHTERED QUITE SO EASILY BY THESE MONSTERS? HOW CAN IT HURT TO STOP DEFENDING THESE THINGS AND AT LEAST CONSIDER HOW WE CAN ALL WORK TO TRY TO PREVENT ANOTHER DAY LIKE YESTERDAY?

We will not prevent every tragedy. We cannot stop every maniac. But we certainly have done ourselves no good by allowing these particular weapons to be acquired freely by just about anyone.

I'll say it plainly - if someone wants these weapons, they intend to use them. And if they are willing to force others to "pry it from my cold, dead hand", then they are probably planning on using them on people.

So, sorry those of you who tell me I'm an actor, or a has-been or an idiot or a commie or a liberal and that I should shut up. You can not watch my stuff, you can unfollow and you can call me all the names you like. I may even share some of them with my global audience so everyone can get a little taste of who you are.

But this is not the time for reasonable people, on both sides of this issue, to be silent. We owe it to the people whose lives were ended and ruined yesterday to insist on a real discussion and hopefully on some real action.

In conclusion, whoever you are and wherever you stand on this issue, I hope you have the joy of family with you today. Hold onto them and love them as best you can. Tell them what they mean to you. Yesterday, a whole bunch of them went to the movies and tonight their families are without them. Every day is precious. Every life is precious. Take care. Be well. Be safe. God bless.

Jason Alexander

Penn State Penalties Announced; I've Never Had a Better Chance of Playing D-1 Football.

TMZ - Penn State University was just hit with a $60 million sanction by the NCAA for its role in covering up the Jerry Sandusky child rape scandal. And it gets worse -- or better -- depending for whom you're rooting. NCAA President Mark Emmert just announced ... PSU will be BANNED from bowl games for the next 4 years. The NCAA will also vacate all PSU football wins from 1998 to 2011. Penn State's football team will have its football scholarships reduced from 25 to 15 per year for the next 4 years. All PSU football players are allowed to transfer out of the school to any other school as soon as possible ... while keeping full eligibility. In other words, a PSU player can transfer to Ohio State next season and start immediately. Football players are also allowed to quit the football team and keep their scholarships. The PSU athletic program will be on probation for 5 years.

Dreams are coming true today! Up until now I've never gotten a fair shot at real playing time on a D-1 football team for various reasons, including, but not limited to, not being a juice monkey, not having played organized football previously, being of only average size and height, and probably, most importantly, my injury history. During one summer when I was like, 15, I simultaneously rolled my ankle and had some pretty gnarly stitches on my knee from a freak accident with the family couch...I all but fell off the recruiting radar as a result.

Well no more, if ever there was a time where I, or really any of you, could walk on to a D-1 Football team, this is it. No bowl games for 4 years, 10 scholarships completely gone, and a program with $0 money to reinvest and/or pay its players with illegally for one whole season. Jackpot. Now all I've gotta do is check to make sure my few seasons of Indoor Co-ed Division B Adult soccer didn't ruin my eligibility. 

Dez Bryant's Moms 911 Call is Exactly As Hoodrat as You'd Think It Was

Honestly, that kinda answers one of my bigger 911 questions, how the hell do the operators deal with all the varying degrees of english people speak in this country? Like if this was me, wouldn't have gotten a word out of Dez Bryans momma. Just a bunch of unrecognizeable partial sentences from a woman who was barely paying any attention to the call.

But this guy? Handled it like a pro, even talked just like her, probably to make her feel comfortable. Like the "Where he at?" line...undeniably the first time a 911 operator has said "where he at?" Makes me wonder if they teach the operator to speak like the victim or if they just got specially assigned operators based on the area code you call from.  Like "oh, this ones coming from the Ghetto, Tyrone, you're up." 

And honestly, was she not the most annoying 911 caller of all time? I'm fairly surprised this dude didn't flip and yell something like "BITCH YOU CALLED ME!," and then hung up.


PS: Dez Bryant's license plate being "Bailme" is the height of irony.

Is It Wrong To Yell Mashed Potatoes During A Company Softball Game

Because we hit some whoppers last night. My gut says I shouldn't, I mean, it's mixed co-ed softball with a bunch of cube-monkeys of varying degrees of athletic skill (very varying)...But at the same time, if you're 20 something guy, you've got to get the reference, no? Like if you bristle instead of chuckling after a solid "mashed potatoes" call I feel like you're probably just an absolute dick. Actually, yeah, screw it, I'm going for it next game.

Everyone Take 3 Minutes Out of Your Day to Send Pitbull To A Walmart in Canada

Make Sure This Happens, People

CNN - Thousands of Internet jokesters are on the cusp of sending Miami recording artist Pitbull to a far-flung land of grizzlies, salmon and crab. Pitbull, in a promotion by Walmart and Energy Sheets tongue strips, agreed to visit the U.S. Walmart store that receives the most “likes” on its local Facebook page in a 28-day period that ends July 15. As of Tuesday afternoon, the leader was a Walmart in Kodiak, Alaska, with more than 48,500 likes - roughly eight times its population of about 6,000 people - Walmart spokeswoman Sarah Spencer said Tuesday....Pitbull was on tour in Munich, Germany, on Tuesday and wasn’t immediately available for comment, his publicist said. But on Twitter, Pitbull was having fun with the Kodiak idea. “I hear there's bear repellant at Kodiak, Alaska,” Pitbull tweeted Saturday. On Sunday, he tweeted, “Picture me with a Kodiak…Ha!” - an homage to a “Give Me Everything” lyric “take a picture of me with a Kodak.”

Oohhhh-hoooo Pitbull...I can picture you with a Kodiak, it's fantastic, mauling you so we never have to hear your cheesy hits ever again. It's a wonderful thought, actually.

People, make this happen. Takes 2 minutes, jump on Facebook (which you've probably already got open anyway) and Like the Kodiak Alaska Walmart page.  It's that simple...while you're there if you wanted to like The Alt-Tab Fan page, do that too. We're not sending Pitbull or any other annoying celebrities anywhere, Liking us would strictly be for my own self-esteem.

Canadian BBQ Chip Bandits Busted in Most Unintentionally Funny News Story Ever

Look, I know no one ever watches a whole video...WATCH THIS WHOLE VIDEO. In the event that you can't because your office frowns on that kind of thing, here's the link to the story, and a few excerpts below, but frankly, you're missing out on the best part, as the last 30 seconds or so aren't included in the story.

"These were very specific, and hard-to-obtain, barbecue chips." That's how police in Saanich, Victoria, British Columbia, described a bag of potato chips stolen by two drunk university students from a garage in a crime that Vancouver Island's CTV spent more than three minutes soberly reporting last month..."The students were wrapping up a night of drinking," CTV anchor Hudson Mack says in a serious tone, "when they were overcome by a certain craving—the kind that hits late and hits hard." According to CTV, the quiet neighborhood where the so-called "BBQ bandits" struck is filled with people who like chips—potato, lime, taco and cheese-flavored—but nothing like Zellers' barbecue-flavored chips, available for a limited time from the Canadian discount chain...A woman, alone in her home, was woken by a growling chihuahua, Saanich police said. She then heard the female students in her garage and immediately called police, who arrested the potato-chip perpetrators nearby..."It appears that the effervescent chip package in the open garage appeared too yummy to pass up," Saanich Police Sgt. Dean Jantzen said at a press conference to address the BBQ chip burglary. "I haven't tried these for myself," Jantzen added, "but my understanding is that particular brand of barbecue is quite tasty.".."These are first time chip offenders."

Hilarious, right? Like if I wasn't on the fence about whether or not this news station was trolling everyone I'd give this the "Most Canada Story of All Time" title. It's all there, an entire neighborhood of chip lovers, a special, holy grail-like brand of chips, two drunk university students causing a ruckus stealing people's chips...and then comes the last 30 seconds of the video...

After seeming to acknowledge that the story was ludicrous and they were just having fun, the get all serious and talk to their fellow Canadians about the importance of having a HOME PHONE...A land line people. Canadian newscasters, in 2012, on-air lecturing about the importance of having a land line, specifically in your bedroom, because in this case, the woman had to tip-toe to her living room to get the phone and call the police, less the drunk chip scavengers out in her garage hear her and ask her for some green onion dip to go with the chips.

It's outrageous, and they say the whole thing with completely straight faces, telling us that the landlines are important because they're more safe than cell phones...Absolutely hilarious, well done, Canada.

Millions Worth of Old Baseball Cards Found in an Old Attic

How come this shit can never happens to me? Every time I go digging around in an attic or a basement I find Bat Turd, and a bunch of junk...Hilariously dated clothes, old Pogs, my brothers stupid pet Tamagotchi that I told him was stupid at the time but he didn't believe me but I bet he does now that I've told everyone on the internet that he at one point owned a Tamagotchi...But never millions of dollars worth of baseball cards. That has literally never happened to me.

Which is why I'm writing this now...for my future grandkids...Guys...go up to the old attic, locate the GIGANTIC green Rubbermade tub, open it, GO NUTS. I've got everything in there. Rookie cards from all our favorite juicers who may or may not ever make the hall of fame as a result. There's a Jacoby Ellsbury card signed with a piece of his jersey inserted in it, so if by chance he ever hits the field again that'll be worth something. There's even a shitload of basketball cards, like Kenny Anderson rookies, and a very shiny Scottie Pippen insert...it's all there, and it's way more than 700 cards, so you'll for sure get more than $3 MM, even if I don't have a Christy Matthewson and Honus Wagner.

The First Web Photo Ever Turns 20 Next Week

And I didn't even make that up. That's it, if that wasn't a surer sign of what was to come for the internet, I don't know what was. A bunch of scientists who, literally, invented the internet, decided the first picture they'd upload was a picture of a comedy band based at their very own CERN Laboratory.

Unreal...though I guess I'm more or less shocked that it wasn't someones kitten or a half naked broad, seeing as how that's what half the web has become.

Gov. Christie Goes All Jersey Shore on his Constituents

TMZ - Things got downright HOSTILE on the Jersey Shore last night -- with NJ Governor Chris Christie getting into a heated verbal altercation right on the boardwalk ... and it was all caught on tape...Christie got PISSED -- and while clutching his cone, shouted back at the guy, "You're a real big shot ... you're a real big shot shootin' your mouth off." The man shouted back, "Nah, just take care of the teachers!" The comment only inflamed Christie ... who aggressively marched towards the guy and warned, "Keep walkin' away ... really good ... keep walkin'."

What? You thought Chris Christie, one of the biggest Republican personalities (and probably the biggest Republican by volume), was going to be outdone by a couple of shoe throwing, gun wielding Jordanian political candidates? Please. Chris Christie is so Jersey Shore I can't even take it. GTL for life (in his case, Governing, Talking Shit, and Lap-band Surgery...seriously, do it. We can't afford to lose you and your blustery bravado).

Death of an Email Chain Legend

It finally happened...The daily e-mail chain that I've relied on to get through the last few years of work came to a screeching end this week.  Long time contributor (and a guy who's contributions around this blog attributed to, like, 3 posts) the Maestro up and quit his old job, which was apparently a joke, and got some new hot shot job where, amongst other things, he's worried about making a good impression and doing work related things that don't include tweeting and emailing his friends all day long. Suffice to say, I just don't get it.

In honor of one of the great work email chain era's of all time I thought I'd share with you his hilarious out of office message he left from his old work on his last day (I've blanked out the actual contact info):

From: The Maestro
Sent: Thursday, June 28, 2012 3:19 PM
To: CW
Subject: Out of Office:

Hi Friends-

As you may have realized, I've basically been using this as my personal email for the past year or two, but now I officially no longer work at (Workplace he hated omitted), and don't know when they're gonna shut this off. 

You can reach me at my personal email at (xxxxxxxxxxxxx).  In the unlikely event that its work related, please contact (xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx)  in my absence.

Thanks,

Maestro

Cracked me up. Works on so many levels. One last laugh for us on the email chain when we received it, one gigantic FU to his former workplace (those two lines, "I've basically been using this as my personal email," and "In the unlikely event that this is work related," are absolute classics). Brilliant.

But needless to say, I'm having a hard time adjusting, and frankly, I have no idea where to send humorous or interesting tidbits and links throughout the day. Like just yesterday I found a hilarious column I thought he'd enjoy, didn't know where to send it. Sent it to his personal address knowing that he presumably wouldn't see if for hours and wouldn't comment back. It was depressing. I think Red in The Shawshank Redemption summed up my lament best:

 "Sometimes it makes me sad, though... Andy being gone. I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up DOES rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend"

Here's to the Maestro, a once great work e-mail contributor.

Detroit Reporter Golfs Across the City

Fox - Fox 2 reporter Charlie LeDuff took on the challenge to golf from 8 Mile Road to Belle Isle in Detroit -- literally. The journalist embarked on the 3,168 par course, carrying only four clubs and golfed his way, stroke by stroke, through the entire length of the Motor City. LeDuff's 'tournament' was called the I Love the D Invitational. Along the way he encountered various residents of the city and talked to them about local politics, laws, and the ways they think the city can improve.

You know what I'm betting they think they can improve? Not having a city so abandoned and worthless that some reporter can just go hacking his way across the town with a 3 Wood and a couple of wedges.

Seriously, think about that for a second. One time when I was like, 12,13 or so, right when the Tiger Woods rage was just heating up, before he'd probably even dreamed that his golf fame could lead him to countless three ways with high class escorts and B-List Porn stars, I tried this trick in my parents front yard.

I'd just watched one of the majors, either the Masters or The US Open  I believe, and I'd become enthralled by the tight tree lined fairways, I thought it'd be so cool to smash a drive down a similar view. So I did what any impressionable kid would do...I took my driver and tee'd up a ball in my front yard aiming square down the street (which happens to be lined with trees) and imagined it was the fairway at August instead of a paved road, with the houses obviously just being members of the gallery.

Well I smacked that thing...unfortunately I had a pretty bad slice back in those days, instead of flying straight down the hallway into the empty lot at the end of the street it flew straight for about 30 yards, veered right, I heard a knocking sound and sprinted into my garage...didn't play on the front lawn again for another week or so just in case.

But I guess in Detroit this is just kinda common place. Better to have your house hit with an errant Titlist than a bullet. 

Poltical Debate in Jordan Escalates Quickly into Old Fashioned Duel

Just a hunch, but I'm guessing they've got more serious shit to argue about than things like universal healthcare and corporate tax loopholes. Like, if I had to guess, the man on the left definitely shorted the man on the right a cow or two in exchange for agreeing to do this debate.

All-star move by that guy ducking the shoe toss behind the desk by the way. No hesitation whatsoever, desk up, head down. Something tells me this guys a veteran of these political debates.

Guy with the gun on the other hand...good luck getting elected. I'd say pulling a gun on national television put you behind the 8 ball right away, and you didn't help yourself from there just waving the thing around and then sheepishly putting it back in your pocket...if you're going to take action, take action, if there's one thing the public hates it's indecisiveness, you pull a gun on TV you have to use it, bottom line. Shamed your whole village.

Man's Beat Up Car Nears 3 Million Mile Mark

Fox News - Gordon's small, red two-door has well more than 2 million miles on the odometer, the equivalent of nearly 1,176 times across the globe. The retired schoolteacher from Long Island hopes to reach the 3 million mile mark by next year. He only has 34,000 miles to go. The 72-year-old Gordon drives his Volvo everywhere. He has held the Guinness World Records mark for High Mileage Vehicle since 2002 and was the first person to hold that record. "It's just a car I enjoy driving," he said. He bought his beloved car on June 30, 1966, for $4,150 at the age of 25. "It was a whole year's salary," he said...Gordon has been taking road trips since he was a kid and continued through his adult years. He says he would just tell his family to pack their things and hit the road. Gordon's two daughters went on his road trips until they outgrew the tiny red car. "They just couldn't fit in the back anymore. That is when I bought the station wagon," he explained. "Volvo, of course." Now divorced, Gordon takes road trips alone. 

 Shocking. Who'd have thunk the guy driving around in a 46 year old jalopy with spare parts spilling out the trunk would be divorced?

I guess my question is, why wouldn't you sell it, at least after the first million or two? You've already broken the record, it'll last long after your death I'd imagine, aren't you tired of having to tinker around under the hood just to drive down to Dunks?

Especially this day in age, I'm sure Volvo is bombarding him with those 5x8 post cards in the mail promising to pay 10% above the KBB value, no?

Get a Load of these Absolute Dorks

Fucking geeks, right? Oh wait, that's Taylor Swift hanging out with Arnold Schwarzeneggers son? For real?

Well that just killed the Taylor swift allure. She looks like a gangly 11th grader with braces who couldn't be bothered to do her hair before showing up for first period math because she was too tired from studying geometry equations late into the night because she's worried about getting into Harvard even though she's never gotten anything lower than an A in her life...Dork.

And that's not to mention the fact that Patrick Schwarzenegger looks...simple.

FCC Ends Long National Nightmare: No More Loud Commercials!

Sun Times - The Federal Communications Commission announced Tuesday it has adopted regulations requiring broadcasters and cable and satellite TV systems to maintain constant volume levels. The order, which goes into effect in one year, “says commercials must have the same average volume as the programs they accompany,” says FCC Chairman Julius Genachowski...“It is a problem that thousands of viewers have complained about, and we are doing something about it,” Genachowski says...“Slowly but surely, consumers are going to get something they have been wanting,” says David Butler of the Consumers Union. “I never characterized this as saving the Union,” says Rep. Anna Eshoo, D-Calif., the original sponsor of the bill. “But consumers have been asking for it. We may not have peace in the world, but we may have more peaceful homes.”

There are Senators and Representatives who work on things like the Budget Committee, the Armed Services Committee, The Appropriations and Finance committee, The Waste Everyones Time Holding Various Steroid Hearings Committee, etc... Very important sounding committees on paper, but ultimately useless wastes of times because no one can ever agree on anything and everything just gets deadlocked and goes no where.

Then there are true American political heroes, ones like Rep. Anna Eshoo of California, who saw a problem, cut through the red tape, and got shit done. Overly loud commercials have plagued my TV viewing experience basically ever since Continental Cablevision placed their first cable box in my household like 20 years ago. It's annoying, it's intrusive, and it's presumably led to countless divorces with husbands and wives yelling at each other to turn the TV down, with the other one yelling back that, "IT'S JUST THE COMMERCIALS, I DON'T WANT TO TURN IT DOWN NOW JUST TO TURN IT BACK UP AGAIN IN TWO MINUTES WHEN MY SHOW COMES BACK ON!" (am I right?).

Well no more. David Butler doesn't want to characterize this bill as saving the Union, so I'll do it for him. This was one of the biggest perturbances in modern America, and soon, it'll be history, thanks to the actions of a brave handful of Americans willing to stand up against the seedy National Loud Commercials Consortium. A great day for America, A great day for Americans.

Massachusetts Man's Homemade Cannon Misfires, Blasts Holes in Neighbors House

Boston News, Weather, Sports | FOX 25 | MyFoxBoston

GARDNER (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) – A Gardner couple who recently moved into their new home on Cleveland Road is thankful that their holiday plans took them out-of-state after their neighbor's homemade cannon malfunctioned and sent bits of shrapnel through their home...Williams' neighbor reportedly had a homemade cannon in his backyard. The cannon which was made out of an old cast iron pipe and some gunpowder malfunctioned and exploded on July 3 sending bits of shrapnel into both his neighbors' homes. "It came with so much force, it went straight through and made a massive hold on the inside," Williams said. "Within inches, it easily could have taken out the electrical and caused a fire."

Simply put there are neighbors who are gun nuts, and there are neighbors who build their own homemade cannons...You can guess which one I'd rather live next to.

All offense to the gun nuts, I'm taking the homemade cannon guy every day of the week. Instead of having to listen to some guy with an army locker and a militia sized cache of weapons in his bedroom ramble on about the Second Amendment, the impending British invasion, and the principles of the NRA, I'd much rather hang out with these dudes who were presumably shit-housed when they decided to load an old metal pipe that had been kicking around in their garage, with various household objects to see how far they could launch them...those guys sound like fun.

PS: I love that this cannon has wheels and is mobile...take note all you Second Amendment enthusiasts, you guys can preach on all day, store as many hand guns and rifles as you want...when the Red Coats show up at my door with muskets and bayonets demanding I quarter them, I'll be sitting pretty with my cannon.

Japanese Create First Robo-Ass

The thing about the Japanese is, I'm pretty sure they could have solved world hunger, AIDS, various forms of cancer, and even gingivitis if that's what they were interested in...Instead they continue to just churn out digital cameras and progressively more life-like sex toys.

And make no mistake about it, that's exactly what that is. I know the reporter tried to sell it as "an important step in developing a fully functional robot, but honestly, she's not fooling anyone. You're creating a robot you're starting with the arms and legs, everyone knows that...in fact I'm not even sure what a robot would need a life like butt for besides kinky man on robot loving. That butt has one purpose, and one purpose only, and it's got nothing to do with recreating Rosie from the Jetsons.

I did always wish Rosie had a more life like bubble butt though...

Red Sox Fans Pulse Check: So Long Darnell McDonald

Ortiz's 400th Home Run on an Otherwise Depressing Red Sox Weekend

OAKLAND — The Yankees have claimed outfielder Darnell McDonald off waivers from the Red Sox and will have him in uniform for Friday's game at Fenway Park. McDonald was designated for assignment on Saturday. He hit .214/.309/.369 in 38 games this season.

FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST, THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, WE'RE FREE AT LAST!

Darnell, it was a blast infuriating, I'll always thank you for those couple of walk-offs you hit in April three seasons ago, but you milked more than your share of 15 minutes off of those two hits and it was time for you to go. I am not saddened by your departure, but hopeful. Hopeful that you take that amazing .678 OPS to a corner outfield spot in Yankee Stadium and bless the Yankee faithful with all the weak pop outs to left and K's with runners on they could ever want. God Bless, Darnell.

And any day that your biggest rival signs the guy who was LITERALLY the worst player on your roster for about 3 years running, it should be a good day....But Nope. These are the 2012 Red Sox, folks. The most Jekyll & Hide team I can ever remember.  I all but abandoned these Pulse Checks because every time I wrote about them turning it around they played impossibly bad, every time I ripped them for sucking, they rolled off 5 straight wins...it was maddening.

Take last Thursday/Friday for example...I look up the standings, see that the Sox are a half game back of Baltimore for the wild card and second place in the AL East. Things are rolling, right? I'm going to write a Pulse check this week talking about how all the doubting early in the season was premature, things are fitting into place, how they've endured despite playing with basically the least known group of castoffs $189 million dollars in payroll could buy due to injuries and various stupid contracts...and what do they do?

They lose 5 of 7 to the lowly Mariners and Oakland A's. Daisuke hits the DL, there are concerns about Heart-throb Will Middlebrooks balky hamstring, and I'm so mad I can't even celebrate Papi's 400th homerun by whipping up a batch of his new Mango Salsa (wooooo) because I'm afraid I'll commit atrocious crimes with my pairing knife.

That's the 2012 Sox in a nutshell...2 steps forward, 1.5 steps back. They're making progress, but even slower than that proverbial snails pace.


And I'm fully aware they're about to win 7 in a row because of me writing this. Just doing my part.

This 9 Year Old Beer Pong Champ Thinks His Shit Don't Stink

Boston News, Weather, Sports | FOX 25 | MyFoxBoston

Screw you kid, anyone can set up trick shots and try an unlimited amount of time/have a dad that's really good at home movie CGI shit...that don't make you a champ.

How about you make a video when you sink the last cup after 8 straight games playing with actual alcohol? Put aside the Harry Potter trick shot shit and step up and join the big boys...you're Australian, I assume by about your 10th birthday you can legally drink?

 Also, as a general rule of thumb, I refuse to play beer pong with anyone that doesn't drink during the game. I have a feeling this is one of those kids who puts a side cup on the table and just fills it up as his opponents hit their shots, says something like "I'm really full, I'll drink it right after the game," and then 30 minutes later when you're looking for a water cup to wash off the rogue pube stuck to the ball you notice a 20 oz. cup of room temperature beer that panzy left behind...don't be that guy, kid.


PS: You know how I know this video is fake? The cup never wobbles, not once. Doesn't slide, doesn't move at all, actually. Just complete bullshit.

Jessica Simpson is STILL Pregnant

GOOO...my bad. She's just huge. Seriously though, I'm not even sure how a baby fit in there. Like you know on Thanksgiving where it's just impossible to eat one more slice of Turkey, or you just have that delicious piece of glazed ham just mocking you from your 4th plate but you just can't do it unless you suddenly burp/fart/shit clear some space? That's what I feel like looking at this. I feel like Jess has expanded as much as her human skin will possibly let her...that in order to have fit an 8-10 lbs baby in there she must have been drowning herself in exo-lax morning, noon, and night to achieve the necessary space for a baby to survive in there.

Revere Being Excited About Their New Parking Garage is As Revere as it Gets

Boston - A $53.5-million publicly funded parking garage and bus way at Wonderland Station in Revere officially opened over the weekend, officials said..."The striking new Wonderland station entrance announces the special place that this area will soon become," he added. "This is a very exciting day for me as mayor of this proud city.”

And of course, the comments:

I mean, I'd be shocked if the Revere Board of Tourism didn't throw the rendering of the garage up with the first commenters quote on a huge Billboard on Route 1A right next to the 30 foot statue of the Virgin Mary trying to attract people to the Jewel of Parking garages on the Northshore.

This is just so Revere I can't stand it. Kellys Roast Beef, Old fat men tanning on the sidewalks, and genuine excitement about a new parking garage (that hardly looks like the artist rendering above)...Welcome to Revere Beach. 


PS: Maybe building parking garages that some how cost $53 million dollars isn't the smartest thing to do when you're perpetually complaining about crushing debt, eh, MBTA?

Buxom Bandit on the Loose in Britain (alliteration!)

"The women made little attempt to hide her identity, her face was exposed, she wore a single glove and her bare hand made contact with the counter."

I'll just state the obvious and say its not her face or her fingerprints that's going to give away her identity, you toss her photo up on the nightly news and you're going to be flooded with calls. Flooded. There's surely hundreds of young men that'll be calling in about the time they saw her at the local pub and how she's burned into their memories.

PS: Are we positive this was a robbery? Like is it still illegal if this is definitely one of the clerks top 3 fantasies? 

Double PS: I love CNN...This woman only made away with $200! And it made international news. It's not like this is the modern day Bonnie and Clyde or anything. This broad might as well have just stolen the take a penny/leave a penny tray. She made the news for two reasons and two reasons only. Kudos CNN.

US Women's Track Runoff Cancelled Due to Feelings

EUGENE, Ore. – Jeneba Tarmoh changed her mind after listening to her heart. Choosing inner peace over a shot at Olympic glory, the 22-year-old sprinter withdrew from a runoff for the final Olympic spot in the 100 meters, deciding to concede it rather than meet training partner Allyson Felix at the starting line to break a third-place tie...Tarmoh notified USA Track and Field early in the day of her intention to withdraw from the Monday night race. Her heart, she explained, wasn't into competing again. "Running in this (runoff) came down to how I felt internally. Would my heart be at peace running or would I not be at peace? If I was at peace, I would have run," Tarmoh told The Associated Press on Monday night. "My heart was not at peace with running."...On Sunday, Tarmoh said she felt "like I was kind of robbed." 

Way to celebrate 40 years of Title IX though, huh? Few other moments in the past 40 years have captured the incredible drive, ambition, and competitive spirit in womens athletics like this has...oh wait...

Ummm....WHAT?!? You feel like you were robbed? By who? Because as far as I can tell the only person who is robbing you of this chance is yourself. Like, way to train and dedicate the larger part of your life towards this one goal and then quit because you're afraid of hurt feelings. Bravo. Glad you have inner peace now because it's not like you'll regret this decision for the rest of your life.

What a joke.

Craigslist Missed Connections: You Farted in Trader Joes

If wafting a strangers fart with two loaves of Ciabatta bread at your local Trader Joes isn't love at first sight, then I don't know what is.


I have a serious question about these things, do people just do them for comedy or has anyone actually met up based on a Craigslist missed connection...My thing is, do you really want to meet up with someone that answers anonymous missed connections on CL? Seems like at a minimum there'd be a screw or two loose there, no?

Then again maybe you're not so fast to judge others if you're the one posting missed connections on Craigslist hoping that you actually catch that one persons eye and are able to weed out the dozens of prostitutes, perverts/killers, and Nigerian spammers.

Largest Croc Ever Caught in Phillipines...or So They Think

MANILA, Philippines -- A huge crocodile known as Lolong has brought pride, fear, tourism revenue and attention to the remote southern Philippines town where it was captured. And now it has claimed a world record, too. Guinness World Records declared the giant, blamed for deadly attacks before it was captured last September, is the largest saltwater crocodile in captivity in the world...Lolong measures 20.24 feet (6.17 meters) and weighs more than a ton, Guinness spokeswoman Anne-Lise Rouse said in a statement seen Sunday. The reptile took the top spot from an Australian crocodile that measured more than 17 feet (5 meters) and weighed nearly a ton.

Look, there's no denying that's a big ass croc. Bigger than I'd want to tangle with. But to just go ahead and haphazardly toss around the title of Largest Saltwater Crocodile in captivity...well (pun coming), that's just a crock of shit.

Does no one remember this legendary croc? Baddest reptile perhaps in history, took the hand of one of the most villainous pirates of all time?

Lolong, biggest croc in captivity my ass. Nice try Phillipines.

News Weather Team Trolled by Bart Simpson

Congrats Indeed