Emergency Post: Michael Phelps is a Liar and Subway's Guac is Disgusting

Flat out fraud. Flat out disgusting. I'm not even exagerrating when I say that might have been the WORST lunch I've ever had. The avocado/guac was just disgusting. I'm pretty sure it was green paste, not even kidding. You could have subsituted green play-doh and I'd have been more satisfied. 

Shame on you Michael Phelps...there's just no way you're eating that garbage. Either you're full of shit or you're coming dead last in the upcoming Olympics because you've recently ate a life time of inedible green paste during your training. No champion on earth would eat that shit.

I was dubious going in, I really was. I rarely do Subway but when I do its Sweet Onion Teriyaki or bust, never varies. In the end I have no one to blame but myself, I swam a few laps last night and thought, you know what, if it works for Phelps, it works for me. Never again. Wouldn't be surprised if I sank to the bottom of the pool like a stone tonight after eating this thing. All credibility lost. I'm inconsolable.

Gwyneth Paltrow, Whitest Woman on Earth, Tweets out "N**ga's"

TMZ - Gwyneth Paltrow ignited a firestorm of criticism after blasting the N-word to her one million Twitter followers this weekend ... while describing a Jay-Z and Kanye West concert in Paris. Paltrow was rockin out Friday at the "Watch the Throne Tour" ... when she decided to send a twitter pic of herself on stage (above) with the rappers and the caption "Ni**as in paris for real." If you've been under a rock -- or if you're Kris Jenner -- that's the title of a Jay and Kanye song. The tweet triggered a tidal wave of negative internet buzz ... with fans questioning whether Gwyneth was using the term in a derogatory way. GP later responded unapologetically, "Hold up. It's the title of the song!" That said, Jay and Kanye did go on to perform their hit song "Ni**as in Paris" a whopping 11 times that night. 

Three Observations:

1. Yes,  copyrighting your tweets is as bad-ass as it gets. Big time power move by Paltrow. 

2. You know Gwyneth spent all day going through her warddrobe looking for her most ghetto-getup. Turns out its a pair of black shorts and a sleevless black t-shirt...which will probably also double as her gardening clothes when she takes on  some project she saw on Martha Stewart this Saturday. 

3. Gwyneth Paltrow tweeting out "Ninja" is as progressive as it gets. Seriously. I read the CNN Black History articles during February. Everyone's about taking the word back, taking the power away from it. Gwyneth just did ya'll a huge favor in that effort. Never has a more harmless, naive, and lily-white person used the word in such a non-racially charged way. The word's power, the word's meaning, gone. When this girl is saying the word openly, I think it's safe to say its become rather innocuous:

 Boringest White Person on Earth. That's what she's receiving an award for. The Queen of England isn't as dry and dull as Gwyneth is. She may have effectively killed the N word once and for all.

LA Kings Relentlessly Trolling the New Jersey Devils

In the words of Pauly D: "OH YEAA! TROLLS ARE HEAAHH, YEA!

In all seriousness though, most hockey players are Canadian, have they even started showing the Jersey Shore up there? Isn't there some kinda 5 year waiting period before the signal reaches them?

Red Sox Fans Pulse Check: Daniel Bard Ruins My Blog

Not Exactly the "mowing down the competition we had in mind, Daniel."

TORONTO — It got to a point on Sunday where Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine had little choice but to take Daniel Bard out before he seriously injured one of the Toronto Blue Jays...TORONTO — It got to a point on Sunday where Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine had little choice but to take Daniel Bard out before he seriously injured one of the Toronto Blue Jays.. For the first time since he became a starter in spring training after spending three seasons as one of the best set-up relievers in the game, Bard admitted he’s not the same pitcher. “I allowed something to happen when I switched roles,” he said. “I think it’s just maybe that we just tried to turn me into a starter rather than just take the same pitcher I was out of the pen and move that guy to the rotation, which is probably what should have been done. “It’s partially my fault — it’s all my fault. Maybe it’s a matter of getting back to what I had success doing in the past.”

Damnit Bard, today wasn't supposed to be like this. I wasn't supposed to be sitting here dissecting your emo-angst ridden pity party in the globe. I was supposed to be talking about this: Sox Climb Out of Last Place . Today's pulse check was going to be all positive. Would've been two games back, two games clear of last place, singing "Oh Happy Day" while typing out the blog. 

Instead Bard went out there and did his best Rick Ankiel on the mound impression, walking the entire city of Toronto and even plunking one or two for good measure. Great, just great. So fantastic that it's got the various talking heads in the media hoping for a Daisuke comeback...You know, the same Daisuke that all those same media folks openly thanked for choosing Tommy John last year as it likely spelled the end of his professional career with the Red Sox. That's who we're looking forward to here.

So you see Danny, the bar isn't high. I don't know what all that jibber-jabber about allowing yourself to change or any of that shit was about, but cut it out. Whatever worked for you last year, go out there and do it again, except for 5 innings at a time.  No one asked you to be Greg Maddux lobbing up 92-93 mph mediocre fastballs and trying to paint the corners. That's not your game. Just throw some gas and see what happens. It is your fault, you're right about that, now go out there (if you get another chance) and do something about it. I'd rather see you go down with an elbow injury tossing heat than walk off the mound with a puss on your face looking like a depressed high school kid after getting embarrased for two innings ever again.

Other than that...everything's been great in Red Sox land. Seriously. I had no other complaints until yesterday happened. Sure watching Gonzalez trot around in the outfield still makes no sense whatsoever to me, but hey, its worked out ok so far. And yea, Nick Punto still maintaining status as a major league baseball player is a little befuddling, and I'd love to know where Daniel Nava got the horseshoe that's firmly lodged in his ass (maybe he's just good, but I don't think that's the case)...but you know what? As long as they're winning more than they're losing, I don't care. And that's the true nature of a Sox fan.

Mary J. Blige Scholarship Foundation Takes a Page from Michael Scott

TMZ - Mary J. Blige's charity isn't doing much for higher education, because some of the "beneficiaries" may have to drop out of college because MJB's foundation reportedly flaked out on paying tuition. 25 seniors who graduated from the all-girls Women’s Academy of Excellence in 2010 were promised four-year scholarships to the college of their choice, says the NY Post, but several of the girls say their tuition bills have gone unpaid. Gennevive Sarfoah, for example, is attending SUNY Canton and made dean's list. She tells the paper the charity barely paid her bill in time the first year and she's received nothing since. She's had to take out a loan and if the charity doesn't help out soon, she says she'll probably have to drop out. 

"Hey Mr. Scott, watcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do, make our dreams come true!"

This Guy Badly Needs a New Twitter Handle

Absolute glutton for punishment. 

You've gotta be a serious sadomasichist or have some serious thick skin to rock that Twitter handle. And honestly, they guy doesn't look like either, so I'm assuming he's foreign.

Probably has no idea why his @ mentions are blowing up daily with some serious hate tweets:

Celts, Heat Game Four Wrap Up: Crying to Referees in Transition

Suck on that Lebron. Serious question, how soon after the game did Lebron call David Stern to cry about fouling out? I mean did you see his post game interview, just sat there and point blank said "I don't foul out, I don't foul out, I don't foul out." Bron-Bron or one of his boys was probably blowing up the commish's Blackberry for hours after the game, crying like a little bitch that the Heat had to play these last two games straight up with no advantage from the refs.

I mean, that was the difference between the two games, Rondo said it as matter of factly as he could:

It's as simple as that. When there isn't an advantage one way or the other (and mind you that's not me saying the ref's were good this game, they sucked, but they sucked somewhat equally at least) the Celts are the better team. Which is unfathomable considering that in the absence of Avery Bradley, Keyon Dooling and Marquise Daniels are getting serious minutes, but it's absolutely true.

You can see it in the first half. The Celtics are the superior team. They've laid the wood to Miami in 3 out of the 4 games in the first half. Yes they're giving it right back up in the 3rd quarter every game, but I'd contend that's more of a old legs vs new legs issue. When both teams are fresh and right out the gate, the Celts are dominant. Dominant. If this was little league the C's would have mercy ruled the Heat in games 2 thru 4 at the half time buzzer. It's been amazing to watch.

And yet, I still can't get over game 2. That non-call for Rondo still just sticks right in my craw. Simply put, Rondo gets that call, Boston's up 3-1 and Lebron's out shopping for fresh underwear after pissing through every pair he owns...Kinda like he did last night, you know, when he passed the ball to Udonis Freaking Haslem for the last shot of regulation.

Just like Coach Olestra drew it up I'm sure.

Just Your Average Day in Brockton, Gang Fights Break Out During High School Graduation

Boston - Seven men were arrested after three fights broke out at the Brockton High School graduation ceremony Friday, police said. Police are investigating what sparked the fights, but believe they were gang-related, Brockton said Police Lieutenant William Hallisey...The first fight broke out at 7:20 p.m. in a corner of the field as school administrators, unfazed, continued calling the names of the graduates, Hallisey said. “They didn’t miss a beat, they just kept naming the names,” Hallisey said. 

Just keep doing you Brockton, keep doing you. 

The fact that the administrators just forged ahead with this madness going on is so Brockton I can't even stand it. "Ho-Hum, another gang fight in our parking lot, don't worry folks, this happens all the time...and now lets give a big round of applause for our class valedictorian!" 

So Brockton.

Jessica Simpson: Paid as Professional Fat Person

TMZ - Jessica Simpson is now getting paid for being fat -- the singer just announced ... she's the newest spokesperson for Weight Watchers. Jessica made the announcement moments ago on her Twitter, writing, "So excited to be a part of the @WeightWatchers family!' Jess don't come cheap neither -- the Weight Watchers deal is reportedly worth $4 MILLION. The singer reportedly gained 65-75 POUNDS during her recent pregnancy -- and Weight Watchers must be waiting for a big reveal ... because Jessica hasn't been photographed in public since she gave birth.

Fucking Jessica Simpson. Broad has the life, right? Made in the Shade. Years after her music and film careers ended she's still rolling in cash. Paid for being dumb on television, undoubtedly made millions for being the first person ever to be pregnant for 12 months straight, fat like you read about, but will always sort of be thought of as a sex symbol because of this video:

And now she's being paid for being fat. That's as rigged a life as you can get. Being a fucking land monster and having Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers shower you in cash in a bidding war for your oversized and cottage cheese-riddled ass as the face of their company. $4 Million Dollars, folks! That's $53K per pound that she gained during pregnancy. 

Blows my mind. On the one hand we've got New York banning sugary drinks over 16 oz., on the other we've got the entire country celebrating this sea cow for letting herself go. It makes zero sense. 

Foolish me over here going to the gym every day for the last few months to try and shed a year and a half worth of laziness from my gut, could have just walked down to Weight Watchers and used my new found girth to obtain personal wealth. 

I've been doing it all wrong all along.