Man Punts Cat 15 Feet, Gets Arrested...Should Also Get NFL Tryout

Chicago Sun-Times - Police charged a South Side man with animal cruelty after officers say they watched him take a running start and kick his kitten 15 feet before raising his arms to signal a field goal... The officers immediately arrested a laughing Percy Love, 22, after he allegedly kicked the small black cat Monday afternoon in the 6200 block of South Campbell, police said. He told officers: “This is my cat, Nightmare. He is tough, we play like that all the time. It’s just a cat,” police said. Officers cared for the cat until Animal Care and Control workers took custody. Animal Care and Control Director Cherie Travis said on her Facebook page that, “Despite the terrible abuse, the cat . . . is doing quite well. He’s in medical today getting an exam and X-rays. He is a very friendly and affectionate cat.”

Heinous animal cruelty aside (I don't even like cats, but that aint right), this kid's getting a tryout, right? I mean kicking a cat 15 feet seems like a fair accomplishment to me. Kid may be dumb as rocks and sounds like he's got the logistics of a punt and field goal confused, but if this kid can drop kick a cat 15 feet, I'd assume he'd have no problem coming out and coffin kicking some punts in the NFL...I mean 15 feet! That's a lot. I'd imagine it's hard to center and find the sweet spot on a cat for the kick, not to mention that they're not exactly proportional or inflated like a football. I think if you extrapolate that punt you've got something like a 45-50 yarder. Not bad. Certainly worth a look for a tryout at least...and if he sucks then you let the squad get one clean roughing the kicker hit in there...so he can get the experience from the cat's side for once. 

Photos Of ASU Baby Doing Keg Stand...Bad Parenting or Great Parenting?

Fox News - Arizona State University police are trying to determine whether a photo that appears to show a baby being held up by an adult for a keg stand is child abuse or an inappropriate photo opportunity. It's not clear if the child was actually drinking beer, but you can clearly see the nozzle in his mouth. Onlookers snapped photos as an adult held the child up for a "keg stand," where a person is held upside down and drinks as much beer as he can, MyFoxPhoenix.com reported...An ASU student reportedly disgusted about the circumstances apparently took a photo and submitted it to the website TheDirty.com. "I just don't see the joke in it at all," Nik Richie, the website's creator, told MyFoxPhoenix.com. "People are really looking at this saying, even if it was a joke, it is just poor taste and it is terrible parenting."


I like how the creator of a website who's sole purpose is to report private dirt on people's personal lives and profit off of it, is morally opposed to this HILARIOUS photo opp. Give me a break you squid.

Terrible parenting? That kid right there is a legacy. He's going to go to ASU in 16 years, and he's going to slay co-ed undergrads as the kid that's been doing keg stands at ASU since he was literally still in his huggies. Terrible Parenting? No. Great parenting. Parents always want whats best for their kid, well how about ensuring your kid walks on as Big Man On Campus from day 1. That's the best kind of parenting.

PS: I love how there's even a question of whether or not the kid actually drank the beer? Are we serious? It's just like when Jeremy Schapp asked Gronk if people really were spiking their kids in an act of Gronking...Gronk, straight these folks out:

Is this the Face of a Women Who Received a Fecal Transplant from her Mom?

(CNN) -- After surviving a near-fatal car accident, Kaitlin Hunter found herself battling a devastating bacterial infection in her colon that also threatened her life...But "right when I got off the plane, I went to the hospital. I was having extremely bad stomach pain. A month later, we found out it was C. diff," Hunter said, using the abbreviation for the bacteria clostridium difficile...In spite of the antibiotics -- or possibly because of them -- C. diff infected her colon, causing severe stomach pain, diarrhea and vomiting...Increasingly, doctors are taking a different approach. Instead of continued assaults on bacteria, "fecal matter transplants" recolonize the colon with new bacteria from a healthy donor. "This is brand-new for most gastroenterologists," said Dr. Suku George, Hunter's treating physician. "We are very excited about this."..Hunter's mother "donated" one of her stools for the procedure. Next, the hospital lab carefully diluted it, and George pumped the foreign fecal matter right into Hunter's colon. The result ended Hunter's struggle with C. diff.

I don't know...I'm just shaking my head here with a cringe on my face...I don't think I could do it. I think I'd rather just deal with the tummy aches and cases of the shits and hope that the antibiotics took care of it at some point.

I mean, there's a reason "this is a brand-new" treatment...It's that most people are probably opposed to having someones SHIT pushed back up in their colon...that's typically a one way street my friend.

Not to mention the extremely awkward conversation with family members before, and after:

Before: "Mom, my stomach has been hurting real bad and I've had the squirts since June, I know this is weird, but can I have a cup of your poop? I'm going to have a doctor inject it up my ass, which will then cure my diarrhea...

*Quick Aside Here: I knew a kid in like, the third grade...nice Asian kid...He told me that one time he had a case of the farts so bad and it just wouldn't stop...you know what he told me he did? Stuck the leafy end of celery up there. Now, even as an impressionable third grader, I knew that was probably bogus...But even THAT seems more plausible than turkey basting my colon with someones shit. Ok, back to the dialogue. 


After: (family members coming to visit you in the hospital): "We're so glad you're feeling better, what did it, what turned it around for you?"

Patient: "Oh, well, my mom, she donated one of her logs to me and it saved my life."

Family: "Ok, well we just came by for a quick visit, we really have to be going, but so glad to see you're doing better..."

Mitt Romney & Paul Ryan Pep Rally: "Oh Sweet Jesus"

"Oh Sweet Jesus."

 Mitt, let's talk. You're not cut out for this. You never were. You've been campaigning for like, a decade, and not once have you gotten the call, and that's not changing this year either. Trust me. We all want a change, but you're not it. You're boring, you're a boring Morman. Your speeches are boring, your hair, that somehow has maintained the same color and shape over the last 10 years, is boring. You're not igniting anything, you're putting a damper on it. That's what you are...a political wet blanket...in fact that's what we're going to nickname you. Just use this clip as an example. A crowd was legitimately more excited for your running mate, you tried to change the tide, and crickets...The Wet Blanket did it again. You're such a wet blanket that I'd bet you could walk on stage sans trousers to your next pep rally, and it wouldn't be a scandal. All everyone would want to talk about his how boring your tighty-whiteys were. That's you in a nutshell Mitt. The Wet Blanket of the GOP...Putting out fires and dampening excitement wherever your magical hair takes you.

RIP NFL Replacement Ref's

Kinda sad actually, I mean don't get me wrong, I'm glad as fuck that these guys are gone and the Patriots can resume stomping non-referee aided opponents, that part is awesome...But the real shame of it is I feel like we were finally just turning the corner from horrible Ed Hochuli jokes to half decent parodies and rants like this video. So close to comedy perfection, and now that's been yanked out from under us too. Fucking NFL, they can't get anything right these days.

Tennessee Frat Suspended after New Pledges Found Butt Chugging

CNN - Knoxville, Tennessee (CNN) -- Twelve students at the University of Tennessee have been cited for underage drinking, one for disorderly conduct, and a chapter of the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity suspended after a weekend incident involving alcohol enemas in which one student was hospitalized..."Upon extensive questioning, it is believed that members of the fraternity were using rubber tubing inserted into their rectums as a conduit for alcohol as the abundance of capillaries and blood vessels present greatly heightens the level and speed of the alcohol entering the bloodstream as it bypasses the filtering by the liver."

This is honestly what I've never understood about Frats...How bad at making friends do you have to be to need to join one of these things? Like honestly? Are you that much of a loser that the only chance in the next 4+ years of you finding a few friends to share an off-campus apartment with involves taking a bottle of Rubinoff Vodka up your ass through a rubber hose? Really? And I do realize that not all Frat's are this way, but the stereotype does exist for a reason...Chances are the frat is a bunch of upperclassmen who were losers four years ago and couldn't make friends on their own, now they're in charge of the frat, have the power, have a few friends and are picking on the younger losers just the same as they were a few years back. It makes no sense.

You know how you make friends in college? Hang out with your roommate and people in  your hallway, get a feel for who you get along with and share interests with, get drunk and do something funny yet stupid that you can all talk about the next day in the cafe, and then do the same thing the next weekend. Boom. Problem solved. And you didn't even have to insert anything in your anus. Win-Win.

Bill Maher and Pelosi's Daughter: #LoLTheSouth, A Documentary

Honestly starting to think that winning the Civil War was a huge mistake. And tossing "God back in the drivers seat of the economy?" Probably not the best idea...just judging by the economies of some of God's other strongholds.

Just Some Dude Enjoying the Hell Out of Dave Matthews and the Life Is Good Festival

Straight Jonesing!

I laugh, but I'm honestly jealous. I wish I loved anything as much as this guy apparently loves Ants Marching. Tripping Billies indeed.

 And just in case you can't make it out, that is a throw back Phillies jersey paired with a braided goatee. Boss look.


PS: My drunk Dave Matthews singing voice is fire, don't be fooled into thinking otherwise.

The Alt-Tab Would Like to Officially Welcome Back Professional NFL Referees

I'll be honest, I just woke up, checked out espn.com, and was shocked, SHOCKED, that I didn't see a headline saying Goodell and the Ref's reached an agreement over night. Because that clusterfuck right there, is just an absolute debacle.

The only thing, and I mean the Oonnly thing, that could possible explain that call is that the ref legitimately thought the Packers were the receiving team. That's it. No other explanation. He forgot which team was on offense, saw the Packers had come down with the ball, assumed he was the receiver and signaled for a touchdown. Probably went under the hood for the review, realized his mistake, but couldn't bear to be the biggest goose in NFL history so he just stuck with his guns, fucking guy. Don't bother trying to tell me otherwise, you can't seriously expect me to believe that a seemingly perfectly sane looking man, watching that replay, could come out with a stone face and tell me Seattle caught the ball for a touchdown. No way in hell.

So there's your explanation. The replacement ref's are so bad that they actually forgot which team was offense and which team was defense during the last play of Monday Night Football.

Happy Hipsters Begrudginly Supporting Capitalism Day!

It's Iphone release day! I can't wait to see all of your super dumb un-boxing videos as you all celebrate your uniqueness with the same exact phone as everyone else on earth! Congrats guys, all your hard work, your camping out since Monday, and your lack of a real full-time job has paid off, you now own the same phone literally 10's of millions of people will, only a few hours earlier than everyone else. Truly a special day.

And I would Have Guessed Paris Hilton Was One of the Gay's Most Eloquent Spokes People...

I remember you dude, you were on The Hills...now you're wearing Tutu's and dead behind the eyes...funny how that works...yes I watched The Hills...shut up. 

TMZ - Some of Paris Hilton's ex-boyfriends are so obviously gay ... it's shocking she hadn't heard of Grindr before her recent AIDS rant -- this according to the makers of the gay phone app. Grindr tweeted at Paris moments ago, writing, "Frankly, we're surprised that you hadn't heard about Grindr sooner, given some of the guys you date." Grindr then links to the above photo of Paris and her ex-boyfriend Doug Reinhardt from a 2009 costume party, where Doug is dressed like a fairy. (Okay, that's pretty funny.) You'll recall, Paris was speaking about Grindr when she said, "Gay guys are the horniest people in the world ... they're disgusting. Dude, most of them probably have AIDS."

Putting aside the fact that Paris Hilton sounds like an 80's Coke-Whore Floozy, back when everyone assumed that AIDS was just a Male-on-Male Butt Sex disease...The line that really caught me was this:

 "Frankly, we're surprised that you hadn't heard about Grindr sooner, given some of the guys you date."

Is that allowed now? I always assumed that if I implied someone was gay in any kind of negative fashion (as this quote clearly does) that I'd be cast aside in society, tossed in the same group as white folks who toss around the N-word because there was a black kid in their 4th grade class that they traded lunches with once.

A spokes person from Big Gay needs to come down and weigh in on this, stat. It could be one of those cases where anyone that is gay can say it, and anyone that isn't cant, which I'm cool with, but if the gay humor barrier has just been broken I think some kind of public announcement should be made.

Scientific Proof; Pippa Is Clearly the Middleton Family Champ

Definitive proof. That's what that is. Pippa just putting Kate to shame. Yes, Kate is probably the more classically beautiful one, and yes she's the only one who's technically royalty, but the proof is in the pudding. Kate goes out and lets a few tit pics slip, and people go flocking to the internet to search for Pippa...It's like a Pavlovs dog type situation. You hear Kate Middleton boobs and the brain automatically commands your fingers to google search for Pippa. I mean look at that...that's individual posts page views for the last 7 days. Pippa just trouncing all over Kate...and I wrote that post almost one whole year ago!

Ladies and Gents, The Champ Is Here (and PS, she had the original grainy photos)!

Jesus May Have Had A Wife?

Boston - CAMBRIDGE -- A Harvard professor has identified what appears to be a scrap of fourth century Egyptian papyrus that contains the first known explicit reference to Jesus as married, a discovery that could fuel the millennia-old debate about priestly celibacy in the Catholic church. The fragment, which has been preliminarily authenticated but still must undergo further testing, portrays Jesus as referring to a woman as his legitimate disciple -- most likely his wife, whom the text’s author probably believed to be Mary Magdalene.

 Oh Jesus, has anyone gotten word to the US Embassy in Israel? Is everyone ok?...Oh wait, hold on... What's that? Radical Christians haven't rioted and aren't causing physical harm to innocent people over a liberal US professor going around saying things that directly refute dogma believed true for millenniums? That's odd...I kinda just assumed that was the standard response anytime someone says something about your religion that you don't take kindly too...


PS: Just to prove not all Muslims are militant savages with no sense of humor, check out the #MuslimRage topic on Twitter, some real gems like:

Baby Born in Parking Lot of NASCAR Track

Fox News - LOUDON, N.H. – A New Hampshire woman and her baby are doing fine after the woman gave birth in the New Hampshire Motor Speedway parking lot. Shawna Arnold began going into labor Friday and she and her boyfriend began driving to a hospital. But when she realized she was about to give birth on the way, they made a pit stop at the racetrack parking lot in Loudon...Arnold tells WMUR-TV that she and her boyfriend delivered the baby, named Katie, in their car. An EMT at the track then came to help, and the couple and the baby were taken to a hospital. Speedway General Manager Jerry Gappens has awarded the baby two tickets to NASCAR races for the rest of her life.

And that, folks, is the most New Hampshire story of all time...Barring of course that little Ricky-Bobby Katie here doesn't celebrate her first birthday in the toy section of Wal-Mart...and by toy section I mean at the guns & ammo counter. 

My Favorite Thing from Yesterday? Blowjob Guy at the Cubs Game

If you don't laugh when the announcer starts in on the "leadpipe sinker," there's just no helping you. Video from Deadspin.

Two NFL Related Observations

While I could spend 500 or so words agonizing over the Patriots heart palpitations inducing loss yesterday, while simultaneously ripping the fans who played a real life game of Red Rover, Red Rover, Fleeing their seats for the parking lot when it looked like it was over, then sprinting back when there was a sign of life, then fleeing once more...I've decided that would be far to depressing. Instead I've decided to repress that horrid, horrid loss, the Aaron Hernandez injury, and everything else from that game, deep, deep down, where I'm sure it won't cause any sports related emotional issues. It's the healthier way.

Instead I'd like to point out two NFL related observations:

1. These new jerseys with faux-collars, they have the ghey:

There's really no two ways about it, at no point in time should I be able to tune into a Sunday afternoon football game and briefly think I'm watching Hogwarts Academy in a spirited game of quidditch.

2. I would have never drafted Matt Stafford if I knew how doughy and round his face was:

It may be weird (it's 100% weird) but I just don't can't feel confident in my quarterback if he doesn't have squared jaw lines. Huge oversight on my part. I checked out his stats, his bye week, projected stats, waded my way through countless egomaniacal Matthew Berry columns, all of it checked out... But I forgot to check the headshot. Now I'm stuck with this. A guy who's face looks like he just enjoyed a nice cold-cut platter full of salt cured meats. Fuck.

So The Topless Kate Middleton Story Isn't Going Away, Huh?

Click Here for More Stinky Pinky and Royal Funbag Photo's...Obviously NSFW

I honestly, honestly thought this story would be gone by this morning. Though I missed the ship on Friday for free gratuitious page views by using blog titles like "topless Kate Middleton," and tags like "Princess Kates tits"...Guess I'm in luck.

Call me naive but...these pictures suck. They're grainy, she looks flat/pancake-y, I just couldn't see how this story had legs...but then the Royal Family decided to take legal action, and then, the real kicker, veritable bastion of free speech and the First Amendment, Youporn, basically wrote a blank check to the photographer, who claims he has 100's more photos of the couple, sexual in nature. 

Well then. Usually I'm against people making a big deal and taking legal action against stories that should just go away on their own in a matter of days, but this I can understand. I mean, I don't know all the rules involved in becoming the queen, but I'm fairly certain somewhere on the list is don't get caught with your husband tossing you the shocker, and I think there's a clause that says something about if you're ever photographed getting stuffed on a balcony by the prince you're ineligible...Again, I'm no Royal expert, but I'm pretty sure I read that somewhere.

Andy Garcia Was Born with Two Heads?

So I heard this wild rumor in passing the other day, probably watching TMZ or Extra or something like that, but I guess Andy Garcia is walking around telling people he was born with two heads? Like a legit second head just sitting on his shoulder. I couldn't believe it so I flicked over to his IMDB page and:

Was born as a conjoined twin. His twin was no bigger than a tennis ball and was surgically removed. All that remains is a scar on his shoulder.

 What in the hell? So this is true? And why am I just hearing about this now? Is this a new thing? Like those two conjoined girls get a reality show on TLC and all of a sudden having two heads is the new gay and everyone wants in?

Well screw that I'm not gonna be left behind, sitting here with one head like a chump, fake it til you make it is how I live my life...Now, does anyone have the number for Michael Scott's Papier Mache man?

Does This Look Like the Face of a French President Taxing Millionaires 75% Because "He doesn't Like Them"

Fox News - French citizens, those whose income is over one million euros, or just over one and a quarter million dollars, will soon be taxed at a rate of 75 percent. Many economists have said the rich tax will not do much to boost depressed state coffers because only 3,000 of France's 66 million citizens make over a million (euros), and that the move is just symbolic. In fact, the tax hike was the campaign promise many believe won the election for President Francois Hollande who has said he doesn't like the rich.

 What in the hell is going on over in France? That is insane...And regardless if you agree with his fiscal policy, you have to respect Francois Hollande, just straight up says he doesn't like the rich, gets elected, and then follows through with his plan to basically take all their money away. Ruthless.

He's not going around talking about hope, talking about building a better future, talking about economy building. He just doesn't like the rich and has set his mind to do something about it. Brilliant.

PS: Those 3,000 people in France bringing in over a million a year...proof that any idiot can become a millionaire with a little luck. I mean what the hell are you guys still doing there? Why is there a single person in that tax bracket still in the country?

I've Never Wanted to Put a Guys Face on A T-Shirt So Bad As Much As This Bro

Boston News, Weather, Sports | FOX 25 | MyFoxBoston

Look, ordinarily I'd talk about the case, make mention of this lady being confused by some hunter as wild game...but honestly, that's the side show to the real story, check out Jim Blair:

JEEPERS CROW! Stink eye for days bro! That face is a t-shirt on it's own, hell it could be a whole series. Some captioned Stink Eye, some captioned just "ARGHHH," because I'm not so sure Jim Blair right here isn't the world's last old school pirate.

Jim Blair ladies and gentlemen. 

Absurd Portland Principal Claims Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches are Racist as Fuck

Portland Tribune - Verenice Gutierrez picks up on the subtle language of racism every day. Take the peanut butter sandwich, a seemingly innocent example a teacher used in a lesson last school year. “What about Somali or Hispanic students, who might not eat sandwiches?” says Gutierrez, principal at Harvey Scott K-8 School, a diverse school of 500 students in Northeast Portland’s Cully neighborhood. “Another way would be to say: ‘Americans eat peanut butter and jelly, do you have anything like that?’ Let them tell you. Maybe they eat torta. Or pita.” ...Through intensive staff trainings, frequent staff meetings, classroom observations and other initiatives, the premise is that if educators can understand their own “white privilege,” then they can change their teaching practices to boost minority students’ performance. Last Wednesday, the first day of the school year for staff, for example, the first item of business for teachers at Scott School was to have a Courageous Conversation — to examine a news article and discuss the “white privilege” it conveys.

Is Verenice Gutierrez kidding me here? Got to be trolling us whites, no? Peanut Butter Jelly, a white privilege? Get the fuck outta here. 

Hey Verenice, have you ever eaten a PB&J or it's cousin Peanut Butter Fluff 5 days a week from September thru June? It's no privilege. I love peanut butter more than just about anyone, but come on, 180 or so straight week days of peanut butter related sandwiches gets old real fast. I'm not saying its a punishment, but it sure as shit isn't a privilege. L

ike, back to your little math word problem example; "If Johnny ate 5 peanut butter and jelly's at lunch last week, and has had 3 peanut butter and jelly's so far this week, how many peanut butter and jelly's has Johnny ate? WAY TO FUCKING MANY. Johnny wants some flavor, Johnny wants some spice.

There's a reason all us crazy white folk spent 1st-8th grade as amateur day traders, trying to trade up our sandwiches with the random few kids that had exotic food like salami sandwiches, or the crown jewel, the Lunchables set. It's the same reason why any sane white adult wouldn't list PB&J in their top 5 of regular lunch choices, it aint a privilege, its like a base line necessity. It's the elementary and middle school kid equivalent of college kids with Ramen Noodles...once you're old enough to have a choice, no one in their right mind would pick it.

You wanna talk privileges, how about these kids apparently yamming on torta's and pita's for lunch? That's a privilege, there's a reason I seek out burrito's for lunch like 3x a week. That shit is awesome. If I knew the Puerto Ricans and Dominicans in my school thought my PB&J was some kinda exotic treat of a lunch I'd have been trading for burro's, empenadas, chicken and cheese quesadillas, all of that stuff. I love it all.

Bottom line is PB&J is no more of a white privilege than clean water. It's just something quick and easy you feed your kids so they don't die of malnourishment.

Are Florida Detectives Serious with this Sketch of an Unidentified Man?

Fox News - Forensic experts from a Florida university have helped detectives recreate the likeness of a man murdered nearly 25 years ago, working with little more than a pile of bones, teeth and patches of mummified skin. The remains of the unidentified man, who was shot twice, were found in 1989 near an orange grove by an artifact hunter in Dade City, Fla. Authorities believe he had been dead for as long as two years. “The body was found fully skeletonized,” said Detective David Boyer of the Pasco County Sheriff’s Office. “There was just bones.”

Far be it for me to step in and tell these forensic detectives how to do their job, but...I either just solved their case, or their sketch artist is trolling them big time:

I mean, that's Garth plain as day. And come to think of it, I can't remember the last time I saw him, for that matter.

Director of the Notebook, Nick Cassavetes, on Incest: "Who Gives a Damn?"

Fox News - Hollywood director Nick Cassevetes came out in favor of incest in an interview with The Wrap. The director of the popular romance "The Notebook" was out promoting a new film that features an incestuous relationship between a brother and sister. “I’m not saying this is an absolute but in a way, if you’re not having kids – who gives a damn? Love who you want. Isn’t that what we say? Gay marriage – love who you want?” Cassavetes said. “If it’s your brother or sister it’s super weird, but if you look at it, you’re not hurting anybody, except every single person who freaks out because you’re in love with one another.”


Not to pry too much into the family business Nick, but I'm pretty sure I know two people who's damns are given...Zoe and Alexandra, aka, YOUR SISTERS. I mean, that had to set the record for most awkward phone call of all time...

Nick: "So, uhh, that stuff I said today about incest, that didn't have anything to do with you guys, I just wanted you to know that..."

Zoe/Alexandra: We're you're only sisters, Nick.

Nick: Yea, but, it was hypothetical, you know? It's not like I've ever wanted to have flipper kids with you, just that if we ever were hook-up, as long as it was protected would it really be a big deal?

Zoe/Alexandra: We have to go, Nick. Don't call back for a while.

Nick: Ahhh Come on!

Canada Offering Pole Dancing Classes for Kids Ages 5 and Up

Fox News - A Canadian dance studio is offering pole dancing classes for children as young as 5 years old, CTV News reports. Twisted Grip Dance & Fitness, in Duncan, British Columbia, has in its lineup a pole dancing class it calls “Little Spinners,” geared toward boys and girls of all ages, owner Kristy Craig tells CTV. Craig said she introduced the class because existing clients wanted it, and so far three girls and one boy have registered for classes, which start on Sept. 22. Her youngest student is 5 years old, the oldest is about 12 years old. Craig says there's nothing sexual about the class, but the front page of the studio's website shows sexy, sparkly high-heeled shoes for sale for performers, MyFoxDFW.com reports..."It's pure fitness and strength and fun," Craig told the CBC. "I mean kids love climbing trees. They will climb anything."

That last line is by far my favorite. "kids love climbing treas. They will climb anything." Exactly, trees, stripper poles, a strangers dick for tip money...

And look, my blame is not with Kristy Craig, she's a savvy business women who's personal interest also includes children strippers, she found a loophole and is exploiting it.

My issue is with the parents...Are you people outside your fucking minds? Signing kids up for pole dancing classes? I get that college isn't for everyone and that some kids are better off learning a trade they can fall back on when they're older, but I think generally this applies to HVAC specialists and plumbers...Not sex workers selling their bodies who've been perfecting the art of snatching up your dollar bills with their crotch since they were in the 5th grade...

How I Know It's Officially Football Season

That's how. Girls posting pictures of and status updates about the food they made for NFL Sunday, followed by a generic GO TEAM (With team being replaced by whatever team their husband/boyfriend/guy they're hoping to get stuffed by on Sunday Funday). 

And I'm not even being cynical. It warms my heart. There was no clearer sign the NFL was back yesterday than when I woke up to a barrage of crock-pot recipes jamming up my timeline...and obviously pics of Patriots t-shirts highlighted with pink or sparklies.

Welcome back football, and thank you for all the new culinary ideas.

How Awful is this Reinvented Bicycle, the Fliz?

Fox News - Yabba dabba doo...Without pedals or a seat, the “Fliz” as it’s called requires riders to strap into a harness and build up speed by running, with their head sticking out between the frame. If it sounds awkward, it’s because it probably is. “The prior aim of developing Fliz was to bring a completely new driving experience to everyone,” creators Tom Hambrock and Juri Spetter said on their website...To ride the Fliz -- or rather, have it ride you -- users build up speed, Flintstones-style, by running and then cruising with their feet resting by the rear wheel. While steep hills are tough for the Fliz and safety remains a concern, the designers insist that it shouldn’t be seen as a bicycle replacement, but rather a fresh option for urban environments. “We created a velocipede concept of healthy, ecological mobility in overcrowded urban space,” Hambrock and Spetter wrote.

For real? Let me ask you Krauts something, do we look like a bunch of idiots? I mean honestly, do we? This is less reinventing the bicycle and more sending it back to the stone age..Yabba Dabba Doo is right.

Lets put aside the fact that you are NEVER taking that thing up a hill, that one's obvious, lets ask, how the hell do you even get in it? I can't see any way I strap myself into that harness without a spotter. So now, after years of adult life being comfortable knowing that if nothing else, I know how to ride a bike by myself, I need to ask another able bodied adult to help me ride my bike? Like I'm some sort of 5 year old with my parents teaching me to ride without training wheels again? No thanks.

PS: I have to imagine you die the first time you mistakenly slip and fall. Your neck just snaps between those two bars.

Double PS: The Hipsters will LOVE this. Because they do look like a bunch of idiots.

There Are People Who Maintain Clean Email Inboxes, And There Are those Who Don't

And I straight up don't get those people who don't. Just 1,000 things floating around in their work inbox, no sub folders, no email rules, just the wild wild west in your inbox. You have to be a damn psychotic to be able to put up with that mess. There should be studies and TLC reality shows about these nutso's.

Me? I much prefer tumbleweeds blowing in my inbox. I'd say my average day I spend about 40% of the time doing real, actual work, 30% of the time searching for and consuming interesting articles, and the other 30% of the time purging my inbox of anything and everything.

Work related that could mean research before answering? File it, out of sight, out of mind. If it's one of 20 or so corporate wide emails I'll get that day that in all likelihood I'll never need to read? In the trash. An email from my friends about the weekend or fantasy sports? Respond right away and then delete the old message.

I don't know how anyone does it any other way. I need a pack of Tums just to open my inbox Monday morning after a weekend of not checking in. I can't imagine coming in to that mess every single day. It's unfathomable how people function in that manner.

The number one excuse these inbox hoarders give: "well when someone asks for something I don't have to search all over the place, its just in the inbox somewhere." Yea ok pal, you go ahead and search for that needle in the haystack. I'll be the guy just checking through a few appropriately titled sub folders...And yes every once in a while I do run into a situation where I've got someone standing over my shoulder asking if I got their email (HATE this), only to have to sheepishly retrieve their message from my deleted folder ("How'd that get there?"), but I'll take that awkward situation 100 times out of 100 over having a myocardial infarction every time I need to look back for an old email.