Red Sox to Interview Dale Sveum for Coaching Job...Remember Dale, Worst 3rd Base Coach Ever

Guy was basically a statue like this all season long, sending everyone in sight

Boston - The Red Sox will interview Philadelphia Phillies bench coach Pete Mackanin tomorrow and Milwaukee Brewer hitting coach Dale Sveum later this week as the search for a new manager gets underway in earnest. Sveum, who turns 48 next month, was the Red Sox third base coach from 2004-05. He has been with the Brewers in the six seasons since, serving as third base coach, bench coach and hitting coach under three managers. Sveum became interim manager in 2008, leading the Brewers to a 7-5 record and a playoff spot. Milwaukee then lost a division series against the Phillies in four games. The Phillies went on to win the World Series. Sveum has three years of minor league managing experience, all coming with Pittsburgh from 2001-03. He was 213-211 and led Altoona (Pa.) to the 2003 Eastern League playoffs. Sveum played 12 years in the majors (1986-99) for the Brewers, Phillies, White Sox, Athletics, Mariners, Pirates and Yankees. He hit .235 with 69 home runs.

Is everyone ok with this, because I sure as shit am not.  Dale Sveum, are we serious here? Nothing against Dale the person, I'm sure he's a swell guy, but my issue is that I know his name at all. His career resume reads like a hanger-on'er bench coach here, third base coach here, batting coach here, etc...I shouldn't have a clue who he is, but I do, and that's generally not a good thing for a career assistant. Take this Pete Mackanin, guys been in baseball in some form since 1973, never heard of him, and that's a good thing.

The only reason I've heard of Dale Sveum is because he was perhaps the worst 3rd base coach in Red Sox history outside of Wave 'Em In Wendell, and frankly, if Dale's name began with a "W" we would have honorarily bestowed Wave 'Em In to him as a nick name. Nothing funny went with Dale, that's all. But back to my point, if I know who you are as a third base coach, you suck at your job. I couldn't tell you who the 3rd base coach has been for the past few years for the Sox, no idea. And it's not like I'm not watching the games, or that I'm completley oblivious, if someone said the name I'd be like "oh yea it's him," but there's just no way I can think of it off the top of my head...Dale hasn't been here for like 5 years and I still remember him getting runners buried at the plate. And in case you think it's just me, irrationally hating on this guy, check out his wiki: "Most Hated Third Base Coach on a team that won the World Series." Not a title you aspire to. (actually check out his wiki page, its hilarious).

So count me as out on this one, unless it's written into Dale's contract that he has no control over base running, bunting, and giving signs whatsoever, I think I'll pass, sorry Dale.

Trampoline Wall Tricks....Wait For It....

There, now you're all as disappointed as I was, just sitting here waiting for this guy to break a femur, crash head first, or, best case scenario split his nuts on the top of that wall...and for all that patience..nothing. Absolutely nothing. Just some guy that cruises through life knowing that he does way better trampoline tricks than I'll ever do.  Where is the justice in that?

Can We All Get On the Same Page As Far as Sneezing Reactions Go?

 

Sneezing has to draw the most wide ranging mix of emotions and reaction from on-lookers over any other bodily function...Not specifically this guy above, this guy is about to get some hateful looks, some people muttering under their breath, and he probably won't get a holiday Christmas card. Just disgusting as it gets...But in general, for mild mannered, non gross people, the mix of reactions you'll get after sneezing is just confounding. Can't we all get on the same page as far as how to react to these situations? We don't treat any other bodily functions like this. 

Burping - You've got two basic reactions here, 1)Gross/Indignation and 2)WOW, Congrats. It all depends on the situation and maturity level of the observer. The gross indignation reactor is going to mean mug you, cross their arms in contempt and in the most fucking annoying tone possible say "Exxccuussee me?" Look bud, I didn't just step on your foot, didn't kick your dog, and didn't physically harm you in anyway. Unless I interrupted you during a speech or quiet meeting, or some other formal function, chances are I'm not going to say excuse me, especially to a stranger.  Like if I'm in the food court at the mall you're not getting that excuse me, sorry ain't gonna happen. Moving on, the Wow/Congrats reactor is kind of self explanatory. You've just let out a king sized belch, deserved of acknowledgment and this person is obliging. This happens when you're drunk or under the age of 16, or if you're in general company with myself. That's it.

Farting - Generally one reaction, a scowl, a move to the nose and inquisitive looks around to find the offender. I'm not quite sure why, but farts seem to bring out the inner Sherlock Holmes in all of us.  I was at a bar the other night and someone was just ripping ass for like an hour straight, finally after 20 minutes I decided I had enough and decided to crack the case, I went from slamming beers to figuring out air current movements, checking everyone's food orders for obvious signs of gas, and just eye balling people to determine the most likely source of flatulence...I settled on Honest Abe Lincoln (it was a Halloween party). My only regret is not asking him to confirm, he couldn't tell a lie after all. 

Cough - Two reactions, Aww, are you ok, and WTF DO YOU MIND COVERING UP?!. Complete polar opposites. The Aww are you ok tends to come from someone sympathetic to you, a loved one or friend who's going to feed you chicken soup until you feel better, despite the fact that you flat out detest chicken soup and really all soups (that's just me? Ok). The outrageous overreaction is from everyone else.  And don't let the fact that I threw in asking the person to cover up fool you.  I cover up a record rate of 95% of the time, I still get these looks. It's just a knee jerk reaction, you can't help it. You just assume everyone doesn't cover up and you're now going to come down with the bubonic plague as a result of that cough. I've heard someone cough behind me before, without seeing them, and turned around to tell them to cover up. Everyone hates a cougher, everyone. It's just a selfish bodily function. Just cut the shit.

The Sneeze - Reactions run the gamut, so much so that I don't even know where to begin. You got the God Bless you'ers, the ones who laugh (when you sneeze like 4-5 times in a row and sound like a nail gun), the outright disgust (saved for my boy pictured above), the WTF was that?!? reaction (for instance there is this chick at my work who sneezes like a 400 pound gorilla. No joke. I walked over to someone who works by her to ask what guy sneezed like that, and he pointed to her and I said "no, that's a girl," and he just shook his head marveling. I was stunned, the ultimate WTF was that sneeze.), and finally, for me at least, no reaction whatsoever...I'm not a total barbarian, I'll give my girlfriend a god bless you, and if someone else makes it awkward for me I'll say it out of guilt, but for the most part I just don't react, because frankly there is no consensus. Someone tell me definitively how I should be reacting to sneezing and I'll get on board. But as long as we're treating sneezes like the Wild West where everything goes, I'm going to continue not to acknowledge them.

The Story that I am Glad Was NOT a Story: “Running up the Score”

Hey Coach, maybe if you spent more time teaching your team defense instead of flipping the bird, you wouldnt be getting your ass kicked.

Last Sunday, America was present for a public massacre: a completely defenseless party was at the mercy of their oppressors, and was forcibly beaten like a red headed step child for 3 consecutive hours until the last breath of life escaped them. I, of course, refer to the snooze fest blow out that was the NFL “Game of the Week” with the Colts playing the Saints in the Superdome. The Saints, with their explosive offensive firepower, and the Colts with….well their incredible level of ineptitude as well as a quarterback who creepily looks like Kurt Cobain, was a combination for a 62-7 final score. The score doesn’t even really do justice to how badly the Colts got their ass kicked. The Saints ended up with 557 net yards, 305 more than their hapless opponents. The Saints punted the ball ONCE the entire game. The sorry excuse of a team called the Colts had a time of possession almost HALF of what the Saints did. So yeah, in every respect this was a complete and utter ass kicking.

However, the point I am trying to bring to light is that not a single member of the media even muttered a whisper of “lack of sportsmanship” or criticize the Saints for running up the score. For once, I am absolutely overjoyed that nobody (or at least a large majority of journalists) did not even give this angle of a story a sideways glance. As a Patriots fan, it drove me absolutely crazy in 2007-2008 for all the jealous little shits and sanctimonious football gurus to shove their arbitrary notions of “sportsmanship” down our throats when the Pats were mercilessly tearing through opposing defenses like Rob Gronkowski tears through porn stars. The nerdy corpse some call John Clayton emphatically stated that the Patriots kicked Hall of Fame Coach Joe Gibbs “when he was down” by crushing his Redskins 52-7. Forget the fact that the pass/running play ratio was almost identical for the Patriots in that game, no, they were being assholes by continuing to play and do their job until the 60 minutes was up.

My opinion at the time (and as it still stands today) is that there is no such thing as “running up the score” in professional/Division 1 collegiate sports (which is essentially pro sports these days anyways with the number of scandals and level of competitive nature, only difference is these kids don’t make millions to play their respective game.) You should not have to be reviled, decried, criticized, and demonized because you happen to be much better at what you do than your opponent is. Just because you take a big lead (like the Saints 2011/Patriots 2007) does not mean you have to fold it in and just half ass the rest of the way because you are scared you’ll hurt someone’s feelings. If you want to go out and sling the ball for a second half because you want to work on “in game” repetitions, do it. If you want to stomp on your opponent’s ego and crush it into a fine powder by winning by 40+, power to you. Not many teams can perform at that high a level very often. Imagine if competitive businesses were going head to head, and the 2^nd place entity filed a complaint with the SEC about the other company “running up the score” (making more money, having a bigger market share, whatever) They would get laughed out the building faster than it takes Daniel Tosh to do something flamboyantly homosexual.

Look, I get the notion of sportsmanship and when it is appropriate, like in youth sports and handling yourself like a professional before and after competitive events (*cough JIM SCHWARTZ cough*). But when you take the court, field, or rink in a professional setting, you damn well better make sure you come to play, because if you’re looking for any sympathy when/if you are getting your ass kicked all over the play, you won’t find any from me. All you will get is a smirk and a comment to the effect of, “You don’t want the score run up on you? Play better.”

Denise Richards Regrets Her Breast Implants Because of Daughter, I Regret her having a Daughter

Denise Richards wishes she hadn't had breast implants to go from flat to a D-cup as a teenager. In her latest iVillage essay, she worries that she's sending a bad message to her three daughters about beauty and confidence. "I'm in a business where looks and weight do matter," she writes. "My girls see me at work or getting ready for photo shoots and I'm sure at times it can be a confusing message to them when I'm being primped, dressed and fussed over." In the essay, Richards says having daughters has made her regretful of her breast implants. "At 19 when I first got my breasts done, I wish that I was confident enough with my body to not have had surgery," she writes. "That is something that I really want to encourage in my daughters, to embrace their healthy body and have confidence."

Oh, Denise, Denise, Denise, of all my regrets, you having a child ranks pretty highly up there...Don't get me wrong, I'm sure your kids are great, mommy's little angels, blah, blah, blah... It's just that you were it for me growing up...You know what I'm talking about.

1998, Wild Things, I'm shivering just thinking about it now...I dropped whatever I was doing countless times whenever I saw Wild Things was on one of the HBO's, just pure sex appeal,  you might have single handedly been responsible for my voice changing over from awkwardly high pitched boy to teenage man-boy. I mean, screw Britney, you introduced me to the sexy school girl outfit, and you dominated that it.

So you can understand why it pains me to hear you lamenting those god given gifts of yours (so what if they're not natural, god still gave us the resources). Embrace those gifts Denise, know that you ushered an entire legion of boys into manhood when you went all scissor fest with Neve Campbell. Those things made you an absolute legend and in no way should you be lamenting them.

Ohio University Protesting Halloween Costumes Mocking Foreign Cultures...Bunch of Nancy's

(CNN) -- Thinking about donning a kimono to dress like a geisha for Halloween, or a Mexican mariachi suit? Students from Ohio University have a message for you: "We're a culture, not a costume." With ethnic and racial stereotypes becoming increasingly popular Halloween costume themes, members of the school's Students Teaching About Racism in Society are launching a campaign to make revelers think twice before reducing a culture to a caricature, the group's president said.

Ohio University? Like the number one party school in the country? Wow, that ranking was horseshit, huh? Because I'm almost positive a big time party school would not have a problem with a kid dressing up as a cartoon like mexican wearing a drug rug and riding a mule. It's funny. It means no harm, it carries no previous racist undertones (where as black face does and I agree anyone who goes black face is kind of a dick), just an amusing stereotypical caricature. 

Go ahead, dress as a white trash person, dress as a doofus hipster, dress like George W. Bush, we couldn't care less, honestly.  Dress as a bucktooth hick from Maine with a fake shot gun and rack attached to a bicycle, carrying around a fake dead rabbit that you're presumably going to eat for dinner, and talking about bonking his cousin all night, I'll laugh my ass off. Seriously, I will. 

And what's with protesting dressing like a Geisha? Geisha's are basically wearing costumes themselves. Loads of powdery make up, that funny hair bun, an over the top kimono, they're playing dress up themselves!

It's Halloween guys, I find it hard to find the racist undertones to anyone wearing a costume in the theme of a foreign culture. Simple solution? Don't go to the Halloween party if you feel offended...If there are enough like minded people like you, the party will suck, it'll just be a Mexican and his Burro, a Geisha girl, Chief Wapanoo, and an Arab (ok, maybe the arab with the TNT is a bit over the line, but that's just one prick in the crowd, I'm sure he got over the line comments all night long)...Which makes a good lead for several jokes, but for a party sucks, I mean, how would they even communicate.

Huge News for Senior Citizens Everywhere, You Can Now Fight Herpes and Alzheimers All At Once

Probably no one benefiting more from this news than Hef

Fox News - Antiviral drugs used to combat herpes virus infections could slow the progression of Alzheimer's disease, a new study suggests. The herpes simplex virus type 1 (HSV1), which causes most cold sores, has previously been tied to the development of Alzheimer's disease. In the study, cells infected with HSV1 showed a buildup of the proteins known to damage the brains of people with Alzheimer's. Treating the cells with the antiviral drug acyclovir significantly reduced the accumulation of these proteins.

 I have to imagine that for an old, senile, STD ridden person, this is just about the happiest news you can get, maybe the happiest news in decades.

Nursing homes are just going to turn into straight up brothels for the elderly, just octonagarians as far as the eyes can see swapping fluids carelessly, getting their fuck on, and then sharing stories with their bros and girlfriends because for the first time in years they'll be able to remember their hookup and tell the story to their friends. 

A true golden age for the golden gals.

MBTA, Unable To Properly Run A Business, Looking to Further Tax Drivers and Local Businesses...Real Nice.

BOSTON (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - A new proposal is calling for a regional payroll tax and a tax on miles motorists drive to help pay for the MBTA. The MassINC report finds the MBTA's current reliance on the state sales and gas taxes are just not enough to keep the aging system going. State and local transportation leaders are meeting Wednesday to discuss the T's troubled finances. "This uneven balance has eroded support for regional investment at a time when these areas need it the most," said Benjamin Forman, MassINC Research Director. "Investment patterns around the country show that regions are advancing public transportation infrastructure projects as catalysts for private development and overall economic growth, yet in Massachusetts those much-needed investments are being stalled or abandoned because their revenue foundation is not working as it should," he said.

Interesting, interesting. Decent proposal, but have you considered, NO WAY IN FUCKING HELL! 

Are you guys freaking kidding me? So instead of cutting expense and raising the rates for the actual users of the MTBA, you'd rather further subsidize your system by taxing everyone else? No way, nah-uh. Do the 99% know about this? Because this is the shit they should be protesting...I may have to get down there tomorrow and start my own fringe movement if they're not on top of this.

As a driver I paid sales tax on my auto and continue to pay gas tax every time I fill up to help support this poorly run system that I hardly ever use. I refuse to pay more...I also pay tolls and a yearly excise tax for the priveledge of using the state's infrastructure, roads, bridges, tunnels, etc...Maybe a yearly ridership tax on the T? Maybe charge all riders, even the ones who hop on the bus or get on the Green Line at one of the above ground stops.

And on top of that, payroll taxes on businesses? When the rest of the country is clammoring for a reduction in payroll taxes? Again, are you freaking kidding me? Unemployment is at an all time high, businesses just flat out aren't hiring, and your solution is to penalize them further for putting someone to work? Talk about out of touch. That's perhaps the worst bureaucratic idea I've heard this year. The worst

Or maybe, just maybe, you get the government hackery under control, stop the appointment of any new directors or board members as a "thanks" from friends in political office and undertake the process of trimming the fat via bloated pensions. 

If you can't figure out how to run this efficiently as a business by providing a service and charging your customers an appropriate amount for that service, then you don't deserve to be running the system. Plain and simple. Sell the MBTA. Let some private company come in here, cut waste, increase efficiency (for instance when a driver is caught red handed under performing on the job or blatantly putting the lives of its riders in danger, a private company would fire that employee, not spend months debating the merits of their employment). If all else fails, sell it. Let it be a private system. Sell it for .50 cents on the dollar and be done with it. Because I do not want to support this incredibly poorly run, failing system a day longer. Just cut the shit

Is This Crafting at Work Woman the Worst Employee Ever?

Wow, just wow. Safe to say this woman and I kill time at our cubicle jobs in completely different fashions...And I thought I was a dickhead co-worker, finding topics and tweeting my blog all day, turns out I'm a model employee. This woman easy had more craft material than work material in her cube.

So many questions. Why? Where is this office, and are they hiring? At what age did your affinity for crafting poor representations of dogs come to the surface? Have you ever been featured on one of those weird-o TLC shows? On average how many times a week do your interoffice craft-mails get sent back to you with a pissed off note?

Always boggles my mind that I'm so stressed and secretive about my slackings at work, making sure I get all my shit done, not really letting anyone in on my little side world, then you've got people who just may be certifiably insane slacking all the live long day and no one says anything to them, presumably because they're afraid they'll have a nervous break down.  

Like this one woman at my work, somehow fell into this cushy part time position, yet still spends 90% of the time on the phone with friends and family or traipsing around the building just chatting it up about anything from her kids latest sniffly nose to her and her girlfriends wildly inappropriate nights out. 

I just wish I could care that little about how I'm perceived. I really do. Ignorance really is bliss I guess.

Another Office Bathroom Blog...Obviously My Favorite Topic, and Biggest Pet Peeve

If you know anything about me or the history of this blog, you already know this has been hanging in my office's bathroom since 10 AM this morning...It says everything I've ever wanted to say. 

By the way, scumbag is the only way to properly describe someone that pees on the floor in front of the stall...What the fuck is going on there? At least once a week I walk into a stall to either actually take a shit, or just take a break and catch up on twitter and there's just piss sitting on the floor right in front of the toilet. Ruins my day. Obviously can't use that stall, your pants would just be sitting in piss. 

How does this even happen, are people sitting there taking a shit and peeing hands free? Did the piss just sneak up on them, like their dicks are numb and don't realize when urine is about to spill out? Boggles my mind. All I know is that if I'm ever in a stall and I notice this happening in the stall next to me, I'll wrap up my business as quickly as I can and just wait outside that stall to ridicule that person. What are they going to do, report me? "He vilified me after I pissed on the floor in the bathroom." Yea, I'm sure that'll fly in HR.

Shopping For Work Clothes is the Worst

Dressing Business Casual Sucks

Finally got to the point yesterday where I had to break down and buy a new rotation of work clothes, which is officially my nightmare. See, I'm not like a normal person who'll pick up a pair of pants or a shirt or two every once and again, I'm a bulk shopper, I go like once every 6-9 months, buy like 5 new shirts and a few pairs of pants (you can always have less pants than shirts, for whatever reason pants never seem to get dirty, yea you've got to wash them once in a while to get the stale Balls/Taint smell out, but they'll never get dirty).  Yesterday was that day for me, after going on an unprecedented streak of tearing holes through the elbows of 4 work shirts in a two week span, my options were finally getting limited, I spent yesterday morning trying on shirts from like 3 years ago (which only painfully highlighted the fact that my steady routine of overeating, drinking on the weekends, and my affinity for the couch, have in fact, left me out of shape. Odd, right?).

Bottom line, I went and blew two nights worth of bar tabs on clothes yesterday than I'll never wear outside of Monday-Friday during office hours. Never. That's the worst part of work clothes shopping, these are clothes I'd never be caught dead in outside of work.  If this blogging from home thing ever works out that'll easily be the biggest benefit, the money I save on work clothes alone would probably pay for private health insurance, just blogging in my boxers, maybe a robe, and that's it. Lunch time comes I could order in or throw on a pair of sweats or athletic shorts and pick up a McRib. That's the dream (shut up, I'm not making fun of your dream, leave mine alone, if I fantasize about wearing sweat pants and eating McRibs all day long, so be it). 

Basically my ideal wardrobe would be a few pairs of jeans, some t-shirts (nondescript, no hipster shit, no sparkles), some shorts, ample amount of sweat pants and athletic gear, and a couple of casual going out shirts (button down, maybe a stripe or checkered pattern, definitely no skulls, wings, naked girl silhouettes, or anything else anyone ever has called douchey).  Finally breaking free of the bonds of societal norms and getting rid of these slacks and overly dressy button down shirts that have no place outside the dog and pony show that is the office. That's my goal.

Strippers Making $2k a Night, Burger Flippers Making $15 an Hour, Do the Occupiers Know about North Dakota?

WILLISTON, N.D. (CNNMoney) -- Forget Vegas. Strippers are discovering they can make ten times as much dancing in the oil boomtown of Williston, N.D. Thousands of men have come here seeking high-paying jobs working for the oil companies. And, at the end of the day (or four or five days when they're working on a rig), many of them are looking for some female companionship at one of the town's two strip club's, Whispers or Heartbreakers. Word has gotten out about just how much money can be made dancing in Williston's strip clubs. The money is phenomenal, but the competition is stiff. Whispers has received applications from exotic dancers in Hawaii, Alaska, even the Czech Republic and Germany, said Melissa Slapnicka, the co-owner of the club. She's been bombarded with so many applications that she only gives each dancer a week to try out. If they don't work out, they don't come back, she said. At first, the nightly tips were nothing special, but over the past year -- thanks to the thousands of men who have flocked here and landed high-paying jobs -- she has been making $2,000 to $3,000 a night, about the same amount she would have earned in an entire week in Vegas.

I mean, do I need to move out to North Dakota? I've been reading about this place for a couple of weeks now and every story is more incredible than the last...Manual laborers raking $100k plus, burger flippers making $15 an hour, people buying trailer homes, towing them out there, and then renting them out for 1500-2k a month, and now strippers just rolling in more cash than they can make in Vegas or selling themselves in the sex trade in the Czech Republic.  North Dakota is officially the bizarro world.

It's to the point where I'm wondering if its worth it to take out a loan, buy two trailers, move there and rent one out and just blog from the other one. Has to be more profitable than what I'm doing now, no?

And has anyone told the Occupiers about this? That decent paying jobs are available if they're not to stubborn to put down their picket sign and move out of their comfort zone? I know, I know, that overpriced Liberal Arts degree you got at BC wasn't supposed to lead to a life of manual labor, stripping, or burger flipping, but where else are you going to make that kinda money?

Oh, whats that? You'd rather camp out in a tent and wait for someone to just make up a job you're qualified for that's closer to home and more suited to your interests? My bad, carry on.

Daily Occupy Boston Critique: Finally Forming A Message? Well Kinda, But They're in the Wrong Place

Finally, a few clear answers, lets break them down (of course after I break them down, someone from Occupy will contact me saying he doesn't speak for the movement, which is just becoming a terribly convenient defense anytime anyone questions anything happening with the Occupiers). 

1. Everyone is against the income inequality - Ok, what do you propose? I'll tell you what's not closing the gap, at least in Boston anyway, is camping out in tents. I'm not sure that your level of income has risen comparably to executives in the last month...typically jobs and further education help here (ok that was totally snarky, I know. I'm for finding a solution to this actually, but just repeatedly saying it, isn't helping, do you have any proposals? Proposals that'll be taken seriously by mainstream America, not the media, but regular American folks? You've been camping out operating a think tank for a month now, you should have a proposal). 

2. Regulating Wall Street - Ok...First, Wall Street is under far stricter regulations than they were three years ago...Secondly, they're not going to self regulate themselves, nor do you want them to...You're kinda protesting in the wrong place if that's the goal, maybe you want to try the state house or the Capitol Building.

3. Punish Wall Street Execs - For what? I'm on the record as hating that execs at bailed out companies profited from their bail out, so don't get me wrong here, I realize some shady underhanded business went on here, but the problem is, there was no law against it. The bailout was run horribly by your government, again this is something to bring to Capitol Hill...You're not going to retroactively punish execs for gaming a system that was theirs for the taking. Was it greedy of them to take advantage? Obviously. Would I have done the same thing? Absolutely. 

By the way, that myth is being perpetrated, because for every one level headed person like this, there are 5 nutjobs who look like they're just enjoying themselves hanging out protesting whatever came to mind that morning when the woke up. Maybe it's time for the movement to trim the fat?

Neo? You Escaped the Matrix to Join Occupy Boston?

Rear Window LED Light Boards Perfect for the Inner Road Rager in All of You!

YES, YES and YES! I'll take three just in case the first two don't work (if the third doesn't work I'll know I've been taken in some kind of internet get rich quick scam).

My only question though, can I reprogram it to read out whatever I want? Like yea, saying turning right, and turning left is pretty cool, but I need more. I need to feed the inner road rage. For peeps on my ass I need a simple "Fuck You, I'm Not Moving," to scroll by. When I pass someone that's been going epic-ly slow on the highway I want a simple "Move the Fuck Over Next Time." When being pulled over by the cops for having an LED message board where my rear window is supposed to be I want to have it say "Oh Fuck, My Bad," yea my LED board would swear alot. When I re-cut someone off out of spite after they've previously cut me off, I want "Karma's a Bitch." And finally, when stuck in bumper to bumper traffic, I want to be able to entertain my fellow drivers with messages like, "this blows," or, in the case of a car accident causing a traffic jam, "they better be dead up there."

Video seems to be having issues, you can view it here.

Brookline Kids to Practice Reverse Trick or Treating To Protest Working Conditions in Chocolate Factory's

Local kids hope to spread awareness on Halloween: MyFoxBOSTON.com

BROOKLINE (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - When Abby and Mark Manuel come to Trick-or-Treat at your house on Halloween they'll actually be giving you chocolate and a lesson. The chocolate their handing out is Fair Trade Chocolate and will come with a card that aims to bring awareness about poor working conditions and child labor in many name-brand chocolate factories. It's called Reverse Trick-or-Treating and it's being supported by a company called Equal Exchange.

10 Year old CW would have ate this shit up...literally. Yea I'll sign up for this Fair Trade Chocolate thing, oh sure, I'll hand out this chocolate while collecting other candy on Halloween...Bunch of suckers. Just doubled my candy intake without even visiting a house, I'd one hundred percent pocket the chocolate and ditch the "awareness card" in the recycling bin.  Don't try to teach me a lesson on Halloween, I'm a candy capitalist, I'm not here for your socialist lessons. 

And I don't know how working in a chocolate factory as a kid can be a bad thing, I saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (even begrudgingly saw that horseshit Tim Burton version), did those Oompah Loompah's look like they were being unfailry treated? They lived in a fantasy land with chocolate rivers, candy walls, Ever Lasting Gobstoppers, and just about every other candy you could imagine...Safe to say they weren't exactly rouging it...Sure all the candy seemed to have turned their skin a color only the most hardcore Guido's could love, but that aside, it looked like they were having a blast...If I was a kid in Columbia I'd take working in Carlos' Chocolate Factory over working in the cocaine processing plant any day of the week.

Poor working conditions? This place looks awesome!

As An Occupier, Do you Quit When a One Day "Zombie-Crawl" Out Draws Your Fringe Movement You've been Working on For Weeks?

Zombies of all ages, shapes and fake blood types converged on the 16th Street Mall on Saturday for Denver's 6th annual Zombie Crawl. Daniel Newman, the 31-year- old founder of the event, estimated that 12,000 zombies were in or near Skyline Park an hour and a half after the crawl began. Many participants took the opportunity to parody the Occupy Wall Street movement. Justin Smith, 28, Valerie Rudden, 29, and Nick Pantier, 28, all from Denver, came to the event as "zombie-occupiers." They wielded cardboard signs splattered in fake blood that read, "corporate greed did this" and "coming for the 1 percent." "We aren't here as hard-core Occupy Denver people," Smith said. "It's a good movement to support and raise awareness of, but we are just down here for fun."

Clearest sign yet that the Occupy movements aren't going to catch on with regular, every day, main street Americans? When an organized Zombie-Crawl, not only A) Mocks you, but, B)Out draws you for a one day event when you've been protesting for a month in some locations.

Seriously, 12,000 people for a one day crawl? And you didn't have to camp out in a tent for weeks on end to achieve that number? Maybe you occupiers should appeal to these freaks, huh? How many people are at Occupy Boston on an average day? 500-1,000? 1500 at most? So tomorrow I could publish fliers, maybe get news attention, and tell everyone to show up on the Greenway on Saturday in full Zombie costume, and that would out draw your rinky-dink movement? That's probably the most damning evidence yet that this movement just isn't going to catch on...People would rather dress up as Zombies and stroll around the city aimlessly than hang out in a smelly tent town working on vague and all encompassing protests.

Keep up the good work occupiers. 

By the way, Kudos to these people that went balls out as Zombies, they look legit, like Hollywood movie legit.

My Two Cents on the Boston Area Day Spas Busted for Prostitution

Day spas raided for prostitution, drugs: MyFoxBOSTON.com

BOSTON (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - 45-year-old Terry Mussari plead not guilty to charges of deriving support from prostitution in Brockton District court today. The Stoughton woman allegedly offered to provide an undercover State Police trooper with 12 women who would perform sex acts at a party in return for a payment of $1,720, a prosecutor said in court today.

So this has been the big story in Boston the past two days, and honestly I couldn't have given less of a shit about it at first, big whoop a chain of day spas were busted for prostitution, what else is new? But then two things happened, 1) Details were released about the police sting, which are absolutely ludicrous, and 2) Stories about annonymous tips kept getting released.

We'll start with the police sting, which apparently was some kind of elaborate scheme involving a bachelor party all coming for massages and happy endings...this one is strictly on the owner of the spa for stupidity...Never in my life have I heard of a bachelor party booking trips to the day spa, you've got to know something is up when a dude calls in for appointments for himself and 10 of his closest friends. It's just fucking weird, even with the promise of happy endings. Maybe it's just not my bag, but the last thing I'd want to do on my bachelor party is hang out at some day spa while all my closest friends take turns busting a nut, that's just a weird way to party.

Secondly, who the hell are the annonymous tipsters? What's their deal? Like I've already said, this isn't exactly my scene, but I'm not going to rush off and report a masseuse to the police for offering a little extra at the end. Just a simple no thanks and I'll be on my way. I mean, you have to go out of your way to report this to the police, this isn't a quick and simple 911 call, you've got to find the local police number, call in, go through their directory of various officers for various different crimes, leave a message (because god forbid a real live person answer the phone at a police department for once), and hope they call you back...All told, you're probably filing your police report like a week to two weeks later, all over some girl offering you a quick tug? Hardly seems worth the effort. 

Come Dove Hunting In Mexico! They'll Provide Armed Police Security for All Gringos!

Putting aside the fact that it's hard to believe Dove Hunting was a fluourishing tourist attraction in the first place, I'd say its about time that Mexico gave up on trying to attract tourists for a while and focus more on maybe eradicating tourist murdering drug lords.

When it's to the point where you have to assign me a newly created armed police guard for my dove hunting excursion, it's probably safe to assume I won't be getting on that flight. Hey, thanks for the effort Mexico, but as a general rule of thumb, if I'm carrying around a gun, and still don't feel safe enough and require a police detail, it's just probably not worth the risk.

Not to mention that you had to go out of your way to create a completely new police force because your last police force were basically body guards for the drug cartels.

And who are the complete nutbags signing up for this new police force? I'm pretty sure you'd have to pay me a hell of a lot more than 3x the regular police to turn down a bribe from Pablo Escobar...Like yea, $1,800 a month in Mexico is pretty damn good, but these guys are probably still better off taking the bribe. I mean $1,800 means nothing when you're dead in a shallow grave.

PS: This guy at the .30 second mark isn't helping your case...Another general rule of thumb for tourism is the guy trying to sell me on my vacation shouldn't be 10x more frightening than the villain in No Country For Old Men...this guy is fucking terrifying. No way in hell I'd go on a hunt with this man.

My Completely Rational Hate For Cecilia Cassini

You know how you just have irrational hate for some people? Like there's no real reason for you to hate them but you just do? This isn't that. This is the most rational hate I've ever had in my life.

Jesus H. Fuck you little girl. And I know how terrible of a person that sentence made me, but this isn't your average child. This girl is a class A bitch. Like Lohan's character in Mean Girls would be a tame version of her...she's definitely got her parents bunking in the kids room while she takes over the Master Suite. Could you just act like a real person? You're like a gay man trapped in a child's body, it's so fucking weird.

And honey, I hate to tell you this, but you've got clothes like a dickhead. Just because you stuck tinkerbell wings on the back of a dress they sell at Target doesn't make you special. It means some fashionista with an eye for little girls thought your dress was cute and need an "in" to get close with you. You can't just go walking around looking like a Disney fairy in real life outside of Halloween week.

Easily the best part of this girls life is going to be the day she shows up on page 6 of some gossip rag all strung out in her mug shot...but at least you'll look totally cute in your ridiculous clothes...

See, completely rational.

A Quick Mark Sanchez Rant, Just to Get It Off My Chest

He 100% sucks...Like there's no getting around it. That wasn't even close to his worst play yesterday, probably cracks the top 5 but its definitely not the worst...And the Jets still won! What the fuck!?

Honestly, this guy made some kinda deal with the Devil. I've never seen a worse quarterback consistently have his team pull games out of their asses to save a guys job than the Jets have over the last 3 years...By all accounts Sanchez is one of the three or four worst QB's in the National Football League...I'm not looking at stats to back this up, strictly the eyeball test, but I'm sure if anyone really challenges me, I can find the stats, he blows, which as a Pats fan, I'm happy with. But as a fan of football, I can't stand it. This guy makes Akili Smith look calm and confident.  That happy feet routine of his drives me insane, irrationally raises my blood pressure every time I see him do it, I can't even imagine what it's like to route for this team while he's doing it.

And the sad thing, for Jets fans, is that they keep winning. Sounds ridiculous, right? But it's not...The best thing for the Jets as a franchise would have been to have this team lose the last two games, they'd be sitting at 2-5 and Rex would have had no choice but to bench the Sanchize...Instead the team keeps lifting the kid up, winning just enough games to allow him to keep his job, despite the fact that if this team had a halfway competent QB in any of the last 3 season, there's a strong chance the would have one Lombardi Trophy. 

It's to the point where I'm fairly certain Pete Carroll is going to have a press conference any day now just to announce that he still doesn't think Mark Sanchez is ready for the NFL, three years in. He's easily the worst USC QB in the NFL, and Carson Palmer through 3 int's in less than half a game yesterday...That's how little I think of Mark Sanchez.

Rant over. (I just proof read this, my blood pressure rose just reading it outloud...I mean really can't stand the guy)

Golden Corral Has a Chocolate Fountain...Has the CDC Been Notified?

I don't know if this is a new thing for Golden Corral or not, but I have to assume it is, because if this thing doesn't spawn the creation of some kinda brand new global killer plague within the next 6 months, I'll be flat out shocked.

Have you seen some of the people who dine at these strictly buffet style restaurants? Not exactly the picture of health. Now it's bad enough we've got them reaching in and grabbing food out of trays that have been just sitting there under heat lamps for hours on end, now we've got them dipping said food into a chocolate fountain, with that chocolate just recycling itself over and over again...The first Leper that visits one of these things is going to kick off a zombie apocalypse all on his own...just flakes of skin spreading through everyones chocolate.

I can't take it anymore, I'm gagging just  sitting here looking at it.

Most Fish in Boston Restaurants is Mislabeled...I Couldn't Care Less.

Boston - The sliver of raw fish sold as white tuna at Skipjack’s in Foxborough was actually escolar, an oily, cheaper species banned in Japan because it can make people sick. The Alaskan butterfish at celebrity chef Ming Tsai’s Blue Ginger in Wellesley was really sablefish, traditionally a staple at Jewish delicatessens, not upscale dining establishments. Those were among the findings of a five-month Globe investigation into the mislabeling of fish. It showed that Massachusetts consumers routinely and unwittingly overpay for less desirable, sometimes undesirable, species - or buy seafood that is simply not what it is advertised to be. In many cases, the fish was caught thousands of miles away and frozen, not hauled in by local fishermen, as the menu claimed. It may be perfectly palatable - just not what the customer ordered. 

Maybe I'm in the minority here, but I honestly don't care...When it comes to fish, Salmon is pink, just about everything else is white and you can call it whatever you want, I thought everyone knew that.

My feeling is, if you're sitting there telling me you can tell the difference from one fillet of fish to another, after its been seasoned, baked, fried, grilled, etc...Then I'll tell you to your face that you're full of shit. I mean the investigators didn't figure this out by eye balling it or tasting it or anything, they had to go back to the lab to run DNA tests on the fish! That's insane.

Basically my philosophy is, if the fish is over $15, I'm not buying it...because it all tastes the same. You could fish whatever creatures inhabit the Mystic River, fry it up, maybe throw some Cajun spices on it, put it on my plate and tell me its exotic Vietnamese Catfish, and I'd smile happily and devour it. Couldn't care less.

The only people who really care about this are the fish snobs getting ripped off for paying $20+ for a piece of fish they could've caught off the Tobin.  The people who order a fish because it sounds fancy...I buy fish if the seasoning, style, and sides sound good.  I've never once thought, mmmm, I need a piece of plain-jane Cod...No, I want that Cod beer battered and served with fries, and if you subsititute Haddock for that Cod to save money, that's fine by me, I won't know the difference.

Cod? Haddock? Tuna? Snapper? Don't know, Don't Care

The Witch Hunt Continues: Joe Torre (Mr. Yankee) To Investigate Drinking Habits of Red Sox Players

Official Album of the 2011 Red Sox Clubhouse

ARLINGTON, Texas — Major League Baseball executive vice president of baseball operations Joe Torre said just a few minutes ago that his office will look into the drinking that was going on during games in the Red Sox clubhouse this season. “It’s something we’re concerned about, just to make sure that we get all the facts and that’s my area,” Torre said. “I know I have plans just to talk to some people.” Torre said there not yet any set plan for what MLB's investigation would entail. "It’s something we’re going to look at and find the best way to approach it, let’s put it that way," he said. "That’s one thing where I feel comfortable, the fact that I played and I managed. I have no problem talking to someone in regards to baseball, whether it’s behavior or otherwise.”

Oh, thats freaking Rich...Mr. Joe Yankee is going to investigate the Red Sox for BeerandChicken-Gate? Like we as fans haven't been through enough with the team tanking right into the history books, the ownership throwing Tito under the bus (and then slamming it in reverse to really make sure they got him good), Boston's two sports radio stations having a competition to see who can cover the team in the largest pile of dog shit, and our Boy Wonder GM tucking his sack back, admitting he made mistakes, and fleeing for a fresh start (I don't hate Theo, he's got the right to work wherever he wants, but leaving the team in shambles doesn't rank highly on his career list of achievements, that's all).  

Now we've got someone I, and most Red Sox fans I assume, associate as closely to the Yankees as they do Derek Jeter, leading an inquisition into the drinking habits of the Sox players...Under the guise of having to be role models for kids who watch the game.  Like anyone really believes that shit...

1) Kids don't watch baseball. It starts at 7:15 and ends after 11 most nights, hell, the Word Series is on after my bedtime, and I'm an adult. 2) The players openly chew tobacco during games, no one says a word...I guess it's not as big a deal as drinking, it only causes cancer, no biggie. 3) It took well over a decade for the league to attempt to irradicate performance enhancers, the fact that they've launched an inquiry into these drinking allegations after only 3 weeks is probably the fastest the commissioners office has ever worked.

No, I'm pretty sure this is just Bud Selig's chance to take down the Sox a peg (who I'm fairly sure he dislikes after routinely flaunting MLB's Draft slotting guidelines, and carrying out the compensation negotiations for Theo like an unreasonable fantasy owner). And what better man to head up the investigation than Joe Torre, Mr. Yankee himself, just to stick it in the fans and ownerships craw.

Occupy Boston Tagging Up the City, Menino About to Go All 2007 Aqua Teen Hoax on Their Asses

Official Shitter of the Occupy Movement

Boston police are investigating a rash of graffiti in the city's financial district that appears to be in support of the nearby Occupy Boston movement. Police say nearly two dozen locations, including banks, were hit over the weekend by spray-painted messages that say things such as "End the Fed" and "Tax the Rich." Some of the graffiti includes a capital A in a circle, a symbol used by anarchists. Police say they have made no arrests but are looking at surveillance video from the area. Protesters from Occupy Boston are living in a tent city on the edge of the financial district. Some protesters say vandalism is counterproductive to their goals and they don't condone the graffiti.

Cue all the overly liberal friends of yours from college claiming conspiracy today! I haven't logged in to Facebook yet but I can think of three people in my feed that should be all over this and I'm almost guaranteeing that 2 of the 3 will blame Menino or the Boston Police for the Grafiti, using it as a set up to disperse Occupy Boston.

Because it would be absolutely unfathomable to think that out of 100's of people living in tents in the middle of down town, not one of them is a bad egg who would lash out in an illegal way in support of their cause. Impossible, just wouldn't happen, right guys? Out of all those people down there making creative posters all day long like it's their job (oh yea, it is...), it would be way too much of a stretch to assume a few of them are into tagging.

Glad you guys had fun while it lasted, but I'd say your time has just about run out. Menino will tolerate a lot, spitting on female coast guard members, absolutely ruining the Greenway which just happens to be the best park in the city, listening to Marxist chants from entitled students and chuckling, and even paying for police detail overtime, but I'm pretty sure when you lash out like immature children or adults that never grew up, that's where Mumbles will draw the line....Lest we forget the guy basically called for martial law in 2007 when some guerilla markters for Aqua Teen Hunger Force went around pinning up Lightbrite pictures of cartoon characters...I'm pretty sure he's going to throw a shit fit once he ties this grafiti back to the Occupy Camp.

Of course all this would've been avoided if you'd rented a hall a couple weeks ago and let leadership organize your group and run it like a real organization instead of a bunch of ragamuffins.

Asinine Advertising: Commercials that should be Eradicated from the Airwaves

I don't know either, Mr. Bean

As a member of Generation Y, I (as well as my entire reader demographic, I assume) have been bombarded by advertisements and promotional efforts seemingly since I came out of the womb. It wouldn’t shock me at all to hear my parents tell me my delivery room in the hospital was sponsored by some sort of corporate entity. Despite the unique ability to completely ignore 99.9 % of these messages that come from companies trying to get me to pay money I don’t have for useless shit I don’t need, there are some that stick out of my mind because they are so fantastically awful. These efforts to reach consumers essentially serve as anti-marketing because I will actively go out of my way to purchase from whoever your competition happens to be since your commercial was so shitty. I handpicked some current spots that are running on TV that I just wanted to tear apart for their futility, despite how awesome and creative these advertising executives seem to think they are. Note to these guys: Just because something seems funny when you and your MBA toting asshole colleagues from Harvard Business school when you are high in a corporate board room, this in no way reflects the sentiment from everyone else. A friendly FYI from me to you.

1.) The Geico Cavemen

I was going to go least awful to the most horrifically terrible, but I just can’t restrain the unfathomably large degree of hatred I have for this series. You (the cavemen collectively) are not FUCKING FUNNY. You are pretentious douchebags who seem to think that you are a great deal smarter than everyone else. The fact you are directly associated with the cute little British Gecko that has been the face of the company is a massive shitstain on my perception of your brand. If the “Geico” logo wasn’t plastered on every surface visible in the ad, not a single person would have a fucking clue what you were trying to shove down our throats. Know how much we the people hate the Cavemen? The terrible TV series some fucktard ran featuring them ran for 2 episodes TOTAL. That’s Check and mate, get this shit off the air permanently.

2.) Bob’s Discount Furniture

I know it’s your name in the company Bob, but for the sake of everything good in this world, that does not mean your hideously disgusting mug needs to be displayed prominently in your commercials. To make matters worse, you have the most awkward camera presence I’ve ever seen as well as multiple clay-mation versions of your inanely idiotic sales pitch. This type of depiction worked for Celebrity Death Match, but if possible, it makes me take you even less seriously, which is saying a lot, because your furniture is absolute and complete shit. You expect me to believe I can get a complete sofa set, that goes for $1400 at every other reasonable furniture store, at equal quality for $599? It wouldn’t surprise me to find out everything is made of toothpicks and asbestos with a cloth covering. Business 101, Bob: Strategy dictates you compete on cost advantage or differentiation, not both dumbass.

3.) State Farm Black Couple Car Accident

The woman in this ad is so unbelievably intolerable and aggravating I actually make a point of changing the channel when it comes on. Why would anyone, much less a boyfriend, endure the savage berating and whining that she spews for the majority of this ad? Not to mention the accident portrayed is so ridiculously stupid. While the boyfriend is stupid for dating this bitch, I seriously doubt he idiotic enough to back into another car, then continue to rev it until he is firmly entrenched on the guy behind him windshield. But seriously, could State Farm have depicted any more of a negative racial stereotype of a black woman? Don’t worry about it, people don’t take racial issues seriously, there shouldn’t be any negative backlash to this one.

4.) Southwest Airlines “Change Fee” Referee

This is actually one of the commercials I initially found amusing…the first time it was run. Then they went wild with this concept, invented an entire fictional repertoire of “calls” that can be made against other airlines, especially this notion of a change fee. You want to avoid a change fee? Don’t be a little bitch and change your travel arrangements at the very last second because they happen to suit you better. Do your research and make sure you have the flight schedule that is most advantageous to you at the outset. Problem solved. Also, Southwest Airlines lame ass method of infusing football, which America loves, into their commercials for more appeal is fucking foolish. You know the parts of football we like? The actual game where offensive players score points and defenses attempt to kill people. The part most people bitch frequently about/loathe? Referees. Thanks for playing Southwest, take a seat.

5.) “Keith Stone” Keystone Light Commercials

Know what happens when the one the world’s shittiest beers meets a redneck equivalent of “Joe Dirt?” who wears flannel vests? You get this nauseating, complete pipedream scenario where this dumb fuck redneck pulls some of the dumbest possible maneuvers in social scenarios where fuckwit broads find his mullet and trucker hat seemingly irresistible. Sorry, I don’t know of many scenarios where a vegetarian has been impressed by a wild falcon dropping a raw fish onto a grill because she’s a vegetarian. That’s not smooth, that is insanely fucked up and obvious indicators Keith Stone is a rapist. Well, at least the quality of the commercials matches that of the beer they are promoting: Complete shit.