Sneezing has to draw the most wide ranging mix of emotions and reaction from on-lookers over any other bodily function...Not specifically this guy above, this guy is about to get some hateful looks, some people muttering under their breath, and he probably won't get a holiday Christmas card. Just disgusting as it gets...But in general, for mild mannered, non gross people, the mix of reactions you'll get after sneezing is just confounding. Can't we all get on the same page as far as how to react to these situations? We don't treat any other bodily functions like this.
Burping - You've got two basic reactions here, 1)Gross/Indignation and 2)WOW, Congrats. It all depends on the situation and maturity level of the observer. The gross indignation reactor is going to mean mug you, cross their arms in contempt and in the most fucking annoying tone possible say "Exxccuussee me?" Look bud, I didn't just step on your foot, didn't kick your dog, and didn't physically harm you in anyway. Unless I interrupted you during a speech or quiet meeting, or some other formal function, chances are I'm not going to say excuse me, especially to a stranger. Like if I'm in the food court at the mall you're not getting that excuse me, sorry ain't gonna happen. Moving on, the Wow/Congrats reactor is kind of self explanatory. You've just let out a king sized belch, deserved of acknowledgment and this person is obliging. This happens when you're drunk or under the age of 16, or if you're in general company with myself. That's it.
Farting - Generally one reaction, a scowl, a move to the nose and inquisitive looks around to find the offender. I'm not quite sure why, but farts seem to bring out the inner Sherlock Holmes in all of us. I was at a bar the other night and someone was just ripping ass for like an hour straight, finally after 20 minutes I decided I had enough and decided to crack the case, I went from slamming beers to figuring out air current movements, checking everyone's food orders for obvious signs of gas, and just eye balling people to determine the most likely source of flatulence...I settled on Honest Abe Lincoln (it was a Halloween party). My only regret is not asking him to confirm, he couldn't tell a lie after all.
Cough - Two reactions, Aww, are you ok, and WTF DO YOU MIND COVERING UP?!. Complete polar opposites. The Aww are you ok tends to come from someone sympathetic to you, a loved one or friend who's going to feed you chicken soup until you feel better, despite the fact that you flat out detest chicken soup and really all soups (that's just me? Ok). The outrageous overreaction is from everyone else. And don't let the fact that I threw in asking the person to cover up fool you. I cover up a record rate of 95% of the time, I still get these looks. It's just a knee jerk reaction, you can't help it. You just assume everyone doesn't cover up and you're now going to come down with the bubonic plague as a result of that cough. I've heard someone cough behind me before, without seeing them, and turned around to tell them to cover up. Everyone hates a cougher, everyone. It's just a selfish bodily function. Just cut the shit.
The Sneeze - Reactions run the gamut, so much so that I don't even know where to begin. You got the God Bless you'ers, the ones who laugh (when you sneeze like 4-5 times in a row and sound like a nail gun), the outright disgust (saved for my boy pictured above), the WTF was that?!? reaction (for instance there is this chick at my work who sneezes like a 400 pound gorilla. No joke. I walked over to someone who works by her to ask what guy sneezed like that, and he pointed to her and I said "no, that's a girl," and he just shook his head marveling. I was stunned, the ultimate WTF was that sneeze.), and finally, for me at least, no reaction whatsoever...I'm not a total barbarian, I'll give my girlfriend a god bless you, and if someone else makes it awkward for me I'll say it out of guilt, but for the most part I just don't react, because frankly there is no consensus. Someone tell me definitively how I should be reacting to sneezing and I'll get on board. But as long as we're treating sneezes like the Wild West where everything goes, I'm going to continue not to acknowledge them.
