Under Construction

Easy folks, Easy. Don't be alarmed. You've reached the right site, The Alt-Tab is just undergoing a redesign. Why? Because it was long overdue. 

The old one sucked. It was terrible to customize, and that rotating slider at the top was a pain in the ass to update...which is why you saw the same five blogs rotating for like six months. I just didn't have time to update it.

If you see anything glitchy in the next few days please reach out and let me know. If not, hope everyone likes the new, clean, design. 

The Internet Has Not, In Fact, Jumped the Shark: Pointer Pointer

Pointer Pointer...You guys are going to waste so much time today. So stupid and simple that it's awesome.

I don't really know how to describe it, and that random picture above obviously does it no justice, you're just going to have to give the link a click. To sum it up, someone on the internet decided we needed a site that would locate your mouse's location on screen, scan a presumably vast database of pictures, and find a photo that crops perfectly to someone pointing directly at your cursor. 

The Internet, folks. It hasn't quite jumped the shark yet, I guess.

Vlad Guerrero Doesn't Wear Batting Gloves, and He's not Fond of Condoms Either

TMZ: Former MLB star Vladimir Guerrero should be sweating the thousands of dollars he owes in child support to FIVE different baby-mamas ... but turns out the baseball star is loaded with over $25 million in the bank, this according to legal docs.

A new paternity lawsuit filed by Heidy Ogando required Guerrero to reveal his finances -- and turns out he has 8 children with 5 different women ... and shells out $25,621 a month in child support.

Here's how it breaks down:

Baby Mama #1 (1 kid): $5,237

Baby Mama #2 (1 kid): $3,214

Baby Mama #3 (2 kids):$1,655

Baby Mama #4 (2 kids): $3,465

Heidy as listed in the suit (2 kids): $12,050

Vlad the Impaler indeed.

Am I supposed to be shocked by this? That Vlad Guerrero has 8 kids by 5 women? Because I'm not...in fact, if anything I expected more, Vlad is no where near as fertile as I'd assumed an athlete of his stature would be. I mean this guy is a shoe in future Hall of Famer, and over 16 years of slaying hoodrats bare-back style, he's only knocked up 5? That's a terrible success rate. 

"But CW, how do you know Vlad always goes bare-back?"

Because the man has flat out refused to wear batting gloves his entire MLB career. If the man is superstitious enough that he won't even throw a glove on his hands, something that has been proven to help improve performance, what makes you think he's going to put some witch doctors latex contraption on his dick? He's just not going to do it. 

You sign Vlad to a baseball contract you know he's not wearing batting gloves, you pick up Vlad Guerrero at some after hours salsa bar, you know you're getting it raw. There's certain things that are just a given in life.

The Internet May Have Finally Jumped the Shark with Snooki's Recent Tit Shots

Fox News - Some might feel the world's already seen more than enough of limelight-loving "Jersey Shore" star Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi. Regardless, it's about to see a load more -- after nude photos of the 24-year-old were leaked online. The photos, which show the pint-sized reality celebrity revealing her body in an open white bathrobe while clutching a cellphone, were taken before she fell pregnant to fiance Jionni LaValle, 25..."Clearly these are old and personal photos that were not meant for the public," the rep told Us Weekly. "It's a shame someone decided to leak them for obvious personal gain." 

My reaction? Yawn. A big yawn. In fact I read the article, and then proceeded right on reading the rest of the news. Didn't even think for a second to go see what we're dealing with here, didn't care. It just didn't register with me at all. I think Snooki might have just kicked off the end of the internet fad. 

Took me like 10 minutes to realize, "hey, you write a blog, maybe that's newsworthy." I was like three articles down the road before that thought dawned on me. I'm still not even sure if it's worth writing about, and I still have zero interest in checking these warlocks out. I just figure that a title with "internet, tits, and snooki" in it will generate some page views...But as far as I'm concerned, personally, I don't think there's ever been a bigger non-story in the history of the internet. It's almost like the internet is trying to hard here to get my attention. Chill bro, no need to go begging for attention like this.

First off, she's neither attractive or grotesque enough to get me curious, and secondly, despite the best efforts of the guy manning the MTV black bar censor machine, I feel like I've already seen Snook's tits in totality. Maybe not all at once, but if I think about all the various ways we've seen her juggalos pouring out, from the top, from the side, underneath, diagonal, etc...I'm pretty sure I could put together a mental picture of the whole thing, and really...meh. Nothing to see here. 

PS: Absolutely love how this writer phrases Snooki's pregnancy: "were taken before she fell pregnant to fiance Jionni..."

I've laughed at that line 4 or 5 times now. Just phrasing it "fell," like someone falls ill to a disease or cancer....Snooki's equivalent of falling  seriously ill is getting knocked up and not being able to get blackout drunk at Karma. Slays me.

 

Celtics vs. Heat, Game 7 Review: It Was a Damned Good Run

You know what? It's ok. Yes, I'm disappointed, and yes, watching these guys come off the court, their faces full with the painful realization that this might all be over was emotional to see. But it's ok. 

I'm not mad, I'm not upset, I don't feel like I got cheated as a fan. I don't have that coulda, woulda, shoulda feeling. I can't ever remember feeling like this after one of our teams suffered a major loss. There's always the standard routine of avoiding thinking/talking/watching/reading sports for a solid week or two after and then slowly dipping back in to the sports world, like the first time you get in a pool, testing it with your toes, then your foot, then up to your knees....I haven't done that this time. I've done quite the opposite. 

I've dived head first straight in. I didn't hesitate in watching Sportscenter the next day, didn't hesitate in reading the local sports sections or listening to the talk radio shows. In fact, I've actively sought out every column, highlight, bit of information I could find on these Celtics...Like I'm hoarding an era's worth of highlights and memories as fast as I can. 

I don't want to forget this team. I want to remember as much as I can about them, even in defeat. 

Despite the brutal game 6 loss, and the clincher in game 7 when they just didn't have enough, I want to remember these guys. I'm still proud of these guys. There was never a feeling that they quit, never a feeling that they didn't give a shit, never a feeling that the fans may have wanted this more than the players. That last one might be the most important. 

As fans, fair or unfair, we often project our wants, our hopes, or desires onto complete strangers and when they disappoint, we read their body language, read their effort, and decide if they gave everything that we'd give.  I don't have to do that here. I know they wanted it, and if I didn't know, I saw it on their faces when they came off the court Saturday. This meant everything to them. 

This was like your last game as 12 year old in little league. It's your first prolonged team experience as a kid, you'd played with all the other 12 year olds for three seasons, you'd gotten to know the 11 year olds, you're more or less comfortable with each other. You know who your team can depend on, and who you cant, you knew each others habits...You just knew each other, unlike other sports up until that point it wasn't a one and done, re-draft next year thing. And suddenly, it ends one summer. Off to the big fields with the bigger kids, new teammates, new coaches, new era. 

As a fan watching on the outside that's what this looked like to me. As pure a team in every sense as there ever has been, watching the seconds run down, realizing that for the first time in 5 years, they have no idea what's to come next...But strangely, that's what makes it ok for me.

It's not time, as a fan, to sit back and armchair coach, figure out how it could have gone down differently, and find someone to point blame at. It's time to appreciate what we just witnessed, what we just had, and what, I hope, is back next year. One of those rare sports teams that leaves an indelible memory with you, a team I fully believe I'll be judging all future Celtics teams against. A team I'll miss if that really was their last time together, but a team I'm immensely proud of for giving everything they had. 

Here's to the 2012 Boston Celtics. It was a damned good run.

Celtics v. Heat Game 6 Wrap Up: Unmitigated Disaster

Cue to the 22 Second Mark...That was the Celtics last night.

Open shot after open shot, after open shot. All led to brick, after brick, after brick. This wasn't about the refs, this wasn't even about Lebron, who was brilliant (seriously, that's as good as a game as an individual can have. The amount of "OH MY GODDD's from the Maestro last night was off the charts. I chose to express myself through explitives). This was about the C's coming out flat. 

They didn't run, they didn't shoot, they didn't pass. And it was team wide. Pierce took a few shots that I swear never got about the rim, just clanking underneath the front of the rim. Pietrus was back to his usual self, though the fans in my section must've all been newbies because they all for some reason anticipated a make whenever he chucked up a three...newsflash guys, he sucks. Allen was a non-factor. Rondo had the best game on the team and even he didn't play particularly well. Didn't help that he had absolutely no one to run with. Bass, actually Bass played ok. He shot well enough, but we didn't see much of him late. And then there's KG....Apparently Coach Olestra reads my blogs because they fronted him from the first quarter on and he was a shadow of himself as a result. No in-game adjustment for Doc on that, which is shocking. 

So now they're heading back to MIA in a do or die. I still take the C's, but that's only because I'm a homer.

Celtics v. Heat Game 6: Bring It On Home Boys

SocialCam is Making the Facebook Experience Extremely Awk.

This is what we're doing now Facebook? Alerting me to all of my "friends" disgusting video viewing habits in my feed? 

Gross, and extremely awkward. I know I've complained in the past but I'll take a lifetime of instagrammed photos of peoples dinner, baby photos, and engagement announcements over one more of my friends watching some ridiculous pimple popping video. 

I mean yea, I went and checked it out after, but I wish I hadn't. And frankly, if I didn't have people in my feed apparently watching pimple videos left and right, I would have never known these existed. My stomach is literally churning right now. I feel like throwing up thinking about what I just watched, but its not like I'm not going to go check it out. And I for sure feel a little weirder about these "friends" who are sharing the fact that they're watching pimple popping video with their hundreds of contacts. That's just fucked. Yes I watched it, but no I didn't advertise the fact that in my spare time I voluntarily watch videos of disgusting ogers having prehistoric pimples medically popped. That's just not proper decorum. You watch that stuff on your own time and then you pretend it never happened. Maybe you show the video to your fiancee so you don't feel alone in the horror of what you just saw. But you most certainly do not alert the masses.

PS: I'm not going to put you guys through it but if you're morbidly curious, youtube "OMG Pimple" or "best pimple pop ever." These videos have literally been blowing up my feed lately.

Celtics vs. Heat Game 5 Wrap Up: Good Job, Good Effort

Sums it up, right?  

You guys all watched the game, there's not to much to talk about here. One team had a game plan, one team showed up looking like they were looking for some run on an open court at Basketball City. Albeit a very talented open court, but open court all the same. 

The usual story lines, knocking Lebron or D-Wade for a subpar effort weren't there last night, both played some excellent basketball for stretches and both had solid over all games. Problem was, they went back to the alternating possessions style of basketball that just isn't going to work against a smart defensive team. The benefit of having two of the top five or so players in the world is all but negated if they're going to take turns playing iso-ball while the other one stands in a corner or on the weakside block. Doesn't take much to guard a stationary target, you know?

And that goes right to the coaching. I don't think I'm as hard on Coach Olestra as others, but I think, at this point, it's warranted. Doc has coached circles around him this series. Where Doc has a beautiful set play out of a timeout, Olestra has a pick for Dwayne or Lebron and a bunch of free styling. Where Doc has defensive plans to slow and confuse the Heat, Olestra has watched Boston dump the ball deep to KG for three and a half straight games now, and done nothing about it. (Don't even ask, what is he supposed to do? It's easy. You front. You front KG and you pressure the ball. Miami is doing the exact opposite. They are not fronting and they are sagging off Rondo. A recipe for disaster when you're giving up size inside). 

Just look at the Celtics defensive schemes in the 3rd and 4th quarter. At one point they were seamlessly changing from zone to man-to-man every other minute. I don't care how talented an offensive player you are, that is going to disrupt your flow, and it did. First time the Celts won a third quarter this series as far as I can remember. 

And where was Lebron? The guy didn't have a single shot from 7:30 left in the 4th until 10 seconds left. That's inexcusable...and I'm talking again about Coach Olestra here. Call a goddamn timeout and run a set piece for Lebron. You know he's reluctant in close games late, it's your job to get him involved. You have literally the best player on earth on your roster and you can't find a way for him to get an easy bucket out of a timeout? For real? And you're an NBA coach you say? I don't buy it. 

The Heat lost last night for the same, but opposite reasons the Celtics won. Coaching, effort, and urgency. 

Game 6 Thursday, bring it home boys.

WOOPS