This 9 Year Old Beer Pong Champ Thinks His Shit Don't Stink

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Screw you kid, anyone can set up trick shots and try an unlimited amount of time/have a dad that's really good at home movie CGI shit...that don't make you a champ.

How about you make a video when you sink the last cup after 8 straight games playing with actual alcohol? Put aside the Harry Potter trick shot shit and step up and join the big boys...you're Australian, I assume by about your 10th birthday you can legally drink?

 Also, as a general rule of thumb, I refuse to play beer pong with anyone that doesn't drink during the game. I have a feeling this is one of those kids who puts a side cup on the table and just fills it up as his opponents hit their shots, says something like "I'm really full, I'll drink it right after the game," and then 30 minutes later when you're looking for a water cup to wash off the rogue pube stuck to the ball you notice a 20 oz. cup of room temperature beer that panzy left behind...don't be that guy, kid.


PS: You know how I know this video is fake? The cup never wobbles, not once. Doesn't slide, doesn't move at all, actually. Just complete bullshit.

Jessica Simpson is STILL Pregnant

GOOO...my bad. She's just huge. Seriously though, I'm not even sure how a baby fit in there. Like you know on Thanksgiving where it's just impossible to eat one more slice of Turkey, or you just have that delicious piece of glazed ham just mocking you from your 4th plate but you just can't do it unless you suddenly burp/fart/shit clear some space? That's what I feel like looking at this. I feel like Jess has expanded as much as her human skin will possibly let her...that in order to have fit an 8-10 lbs baby in there she must have been drowning herself in exo-lax morning, noon, and night to achieve the necessary space for a baby to survive in there.

Revere Being Excited About Their New Parking Garage is As Revere as it Gets

Boston - A $53.5-million publicly funded parking garage and bus way at Wonderland Station in Revere officially opened over the weekend, officials said..."The striking new Wonderland station entrance announces the special place that this area will soon become," he added. "This is a very exciting day for me as mayor of this proud city.”

And of course, the comments:

I mean, I'd be shocked if the Revere Board of Tourism didn't throw the rendering of the garage up with the first commenters quote on a huge Billboard on Route 1A right next to the 30 foot statue of the Virgin Mary trying to attract people to the Jewel of Parking garages on the Northshore.

This is just so Revere I can't stand it. Kellys Roast Beef, Old fat men tanning on the sidewalks, and genuine excitement about a new parking garage (that hardly looks like the artist rendering above)...Welcome to Revere Beach. 


PS: Maybe building parking garages that some how cost $53 million dollars isn't the smartest thing to do when you're perpetually complaining about crushing debt, eh, MBTA?

Buxom Bandit on the Loose in Britain (alliteration!)

"The women made little attempt to hide her identity, her face was exposed, she wore a single glove and her bare hand made contact with the counter."

I'll just state the obvious and say its not her face or her fingerprints that's going to give away her identity, you toss her photo up on the nightly news and you're going to be flooded with calls. Flooded. There's surely hundreds of young men that'll be calling in about the time they saw her at the local pub and how she's burned into their memories.

PS: Are we positive this was a robbery? Like is it still illegal if this is definitely one of the clerks top 3 fantasies? 

Double PS: I love CNN...This woman only made away with $200! And it made international news. It's not like this is the modern day Bonnie and Clyde or anything. This broad might as well have just stolen the take a penny/leave a penny tray. She made the news for two reasons and two reasons only. Kudos CNN.

US Women's Track Runoff Cancelled Due to Feelings

EUGENE, Ore. – Jeneba Tarmoh changed her mind after listening to her heart. Choosing inner peace over a shot at Olympic glory, the 22-year-old sprinter withdrew from a runoff for the final Olympic spot in the 100 meters, deciding to concede it rather than meet training partner Allyson Felix at the starting line to break a third-place tie...Tarmoh notified USA Track and Field early in the day of her intention to withdraw from the Monday night race. Her heart, she explained, wasn't into competing again. "Running in this (runoff) came down to how I felt internally. Would my heart be at peace running or would I not be at peace? If I was at peace, I would have run," Tarmoh told The Associated Press on Monday night. "My heart was not at peace with running."...On Sunday, Tarmoh said she felt "like I was kind of robbed." 

Way to celebrate 40 years of Title IX though, huh? Few other moments in the past 40 years have captured the incredible drive, ambition, and competitive spirit in womens athletics like this has...oh wait...

Ummm....WHAT?!? You feel like you were robbed? By who? Because as far as I can tell the only person who is robbing you of this chance is yourself. Like, way to train and dedicate the larger part of your life towards this one goal and then quit because you're afraid of hurt feelings. Bravo. Glad you have inner peace now because it's not like you'll regret this decision for the rest of your life.

What a joke.

Craigslist Missed Connections: You Farted in Trader Joes

If wafting a strangers fart with two loaves of Ciabatta bread at your local Trader Joes isn't love at first sight, then I don't know what is.


I have a serious question about these things, do people just do them for comedy or has anyone actually met up based on a Craigslist missed connection...My thing is, do you really want to meet up with someone that answers anonymous missed connections on CL? Seems like at a minimum there'd be a screw or two loose there, no?

Then again maybe you're not so fast to judge others if you're the one posting missed connections on Craigslist hoping that you actually catch that one persons eye and are able to weed out the dozens of prostitutes, perverts/killers, and Nigerian spammers.

Largest Croc Ever Caught in Phillipines...or So They Think

MANILA, Philippines -- A huge crocodile known as Lolong has brought pride, fear, tourism revenue and attention to the remote southern Philippines town where it was captured. And now it has claimed a world record, too. Guinness World Records declared the giant, blamed for deadly attacks before it was captured last September, is the largest saltwater crocodile in captivity in the world...Lolong measures 20.24 feet (6.17 meters) and weighs more than a ton, Guinness spokeswoman Anne-Lise Rouse said in a statement seen Sunday. The reptile took the top spot from an Australian crocodile that measured more than 17 feet (5 meters) and weighed nearly a ton.

Look, there's no denying that's a big ass croc. Bigger than I'd want to tangle with. But to just go ahead and haphazardly toss around the title of Largest Saltwater Crocodile in captivity...well (pun coming), that's just a crock of shit.

Does no one remember this legendary croc? Baddest reptile perhaps in history, took the hand of one of the most villainous pirates of all time?

Lolong, biggest croc in captivity my ass. Nice try Phillipines.

News Weather Team Trolled by Bart Simpson

Congrats Indeed

No One Knows When to Celebrate the 4th of July This Year and it Sucks

Not this year Uncle Sam...those girls have work Thursday...Sucks, huh?

It's a joke, an absolute joke. You just flat out cannot have the biggest summer holiday of the year on a goddamn Wednesday. It doesn't work. No one knows what to do.

Celebrate the weekend before? And risk having a bunch of no-shows at your weirdo, super early BBQ because they're afraid of going too hard on the first lap of the race with all the other potential parties looming later in the week? No thanks.

Celebrate the weekend after? For sure not. Throwing your 4th of July BBQ on July 7th is just setting  yourself up for disaster, running the risk of throwing your party after everyone else already beat you to the punch. It'd be the Newmanium, Kramanium situation all over again.

Toss it on a frigen Wednesday? I guess it's the only feasible option, but it flat out sucks. So now I'm expected to go to a backyard pool party on a random Wednesday full on knowing that I'm going to be miserable/throwing up in the handicap stall at work the next day? Gee thanks.

Personally I blame the Founding Fathers for this mess. Pretty much the most important national holiday we got and we couldn't secure the coveted Monday/Friday time slot? What kinda bullshit is that.

We couldn't have pulled some kinda Easter like thing and said 4th of July is the first Sunday after the first full moon in July? Of just called it the first Friday of every July? I know the actual date is important but you're slapping that importance right in the face by making me choose to either drink responsibly or go hard and have a miserable day at work the next day....I mean what kind of world are we living in where someone like myself, a full blown American, had more fun celebrating Cinco De Mayo this year than I will the 4th of July. It makes zero sense. We're better than that. Either we start manipulating our calendars so the 4th of July falls on a Monday/Friday every single year and just say fuck the rest of the world, we're doing this...Or, we fall in line and follow the same Monday/Friday rules that Memorial and Veterans day follow so Americans everywhere never have to go through this nightmare again.

And if anyone can forward this to either Romney or Obama, I can guarantee them, they stump for this issue, its a guaranteed election. Guaranteed.