Guide to Tipping

In light of the on-going financial crisis I figured it was my turn to stick my nose in and give the recovery efforts a shot on the arm.  Times are tough right now and we need to tighten our belts in all areas of spending.  Even the smaller more over looked areas, such as tipping at restaurants. America is the best country in the world (or at least in the top 5,  but just roll with me here) but we embarrasingly stick to this outdated and antiquated tipping system while Europe (even the eastern European countries) and other civilized areas of the world sit back and laugh at our expense. Well I say no more.  Here are three areas we can rally together and work on starting today.

1. No more implied tipping.  Listen hunny, I don't care if you're miserable because you're on the back end of a double shift after just popping out your third child in three years 24 hours prior. I honestly don't.  What I do care is that you serve me promptly and with a smile on your face, ok toots? Do that and you'll get your tip.

2. There needs to be a Tip-Cap (salary cap but for tips, comeon people keep up).  The current system of basing the tip on the bill total continues to drive me insane.  Does the snooty guy at Morton's work harder than the townie at TGI Fridays? No, probably not harder than your average semi-legal employee at Dunks or McD's for that matter.  Do they tend to be nicer, more cordial and show some signs of intelligence? Sure. Do they deserve a bigger tip for this? Absolutely. But their needs to be a limit.  Just because I decided I want a $50 steak and a couple of fingers of Johnny Walker tonight doesn't mean I also want to pay you $30+ for carrying my plate back and forth to the kitchen.  Call out my order number or give me a buzzer, I'll gladly come grab my food at the window.  I propose a set cap of $15 per hour that a party occupies a table.  Exceptional service gets that full rate, work downward pending the level of service, across all restaurants, regardless of the price of the meal.

3.  Cut the shit with the whole "party of 8 gratuity included."  First off its a dirty trick. You know 1 in 5 times we're going to miss that and tip you twice.  Real nice, asshole.  But most importantly just because you're serving a large group doesn't mean I think you're doing a good job. If you sucked I want the option to leave you a tip indicating you sucked.  Its constructive criticism, something you'll need to learn to accept if you plan on getting a real job somewhere down the line.  Finally, if you do insist on continuing to add in an automatic tip can you just pick a round number, 15 or 20 percent. Nice and simple and its doesn't require a ridiculous mathematic test at the table if I deem you worth of an additional tip.