Congrats to UBS for winning this years "Douchiest Corporation To Work For" Award. Apparently UBS, unhappy with some of their employees interpretation of business casual, went so far as to publish a 43 page document on employee dress attire, with the basic goal of having all employees appear to be clones of one another. I honestly thought I was reading a spoof from somewhere like College Humor when I was going through it. Wouldn't have believed it was real but I saw it on the morning news this morning, and I take that as fact. A few highlights (full article here):
Female employees are instructed to wear flesh-colored underwear, keep their skirt length to mid-knee, and steer a wide berth around ankle chains and body piercings...Nor are male employees exempt from potential disapproval over their dress: UBS wants them in classic-cut two-button jackets and forbids them to wear the same ties or shoes on consecutive days. They must also resist the temptation to turn back the clock by using hair dye.Some of this stuff you couldn't even make up. Flesh toned underwear? What was there an outbreak of whale tales in UBS banking branches? Tight fitting shoes and strained smiles? How about saying what you're really thinking...you don't want fatties wearing open toe or strappy shoes.
Light makeup consisting of a foundation, mascara and discreet lipstick will enhance your personality.”
“Women should not wear shoes that are too tight-fitting as there is nothing worse than a strained smile.”
“A flawless appearance can bring inner peace and a sense of security.”
“The ideal time to apply perfume is directly after you take a hot shower, when your pores are still open.”
For men:
- “Three days of stubble is not permitted and a visit to the barber is recommended once every four weeks.”
- “Wear only ties that match the bone structure of the face and do not wear socks with cartoon motifs.”
- “If you wear a watch, it suggests reliability and that punctuality is a great concern to you.”
- “Underwear is among the most intimate parts of our clothing … your underwear must not be visible through your clothes, or stand out … your figure should not suffer from the way you wear your underwear.”
And for men its just as ridiculous, can't wear the same pair of shoes on consecutive days, well I hope you don't mind me kicking around in a pair of Nikes every Tues and Thursday. And how the fuck does a tie match the bone structure of a face? Aren't there only two types of ties, skinny and wide? Shit, do you have to be a fan of a crappy show like Project Runway to dress appropriately for work now? And again with the underwear. How can ones figure suffer from their boxers/briefs? What kinda crazy shit are the swiss wearing these days that this is a real concern?
I'd quit within 3 days of receiving this email, the only reason I would last that long is I'd strive to break as many of the ridiculous rules as possible before leaving on my own accord. I'd be flashing my multi-colored boxer labels to every customer and co-worker. Frost some tips in my hair and wear the same bow tie each day.
