Infinitely Jealous of this Six Year Old that Made the Scripps National Spelling Bee

McLEAN, Va. (AP) - The youngest person ever to qualify for the National Spelling Bee was running around in a stream with a friend, hunting for rocks. Suddenly, she came charging up the bank and headed straight for her mother. "Hold on to that basalt," Lori Anne Madison said in a bossy 6-year-old's voice, "and do not drop it." "Go away," her mother said playfully....She is blonde and adorable and talks at 100 mph. In the last few weeks, she has won major awards in both swimming and math, but one accomplishment above all has made her an overnight national celebrity: This week, the precocious girl from Lake Ridge, Va., will be onstage with youngsters more than twice her age and twice her size as one of 278 spellers who have qualified for the Scripps National Spelling Bee...Now there's another wrinkle: spelling bee fame. When Lori Anne spelled "vaquero" to win the regional bee in Prince William County in March, she set a new standard for youth in the national bee's 87-year-old history. 

I'm jealous of very few people in life, but this little 6 year old know-it-all is one of them. When I was younger all I wanted to do was make it to the Scripps National Spelling Bee...Yep, young CW dreamed big. 

Never happened though, I won my class, and grade a couple of times, but always fell short when it came to the full school bee. Just couldn't do it. Misspelled Artichoke once. Almost never forgave myself...Never forgave Artichokes, for that matter. Misspelled that word in the 5th grade, nearly 18 years later I've turned down, ate around, or flat out verbally assaulted every artichoke to come my way since. Never tasted one. That's how badly I wanted to make it to Scripps. 

 So congrats Lori Anne Madison, you're a better person than I am, and make sure you study the spelling of various foods that no one your age would have ever tried before too, because that's how they'll get you. They're not going to be asking you about basalt, or pneumonia or anything easy like that. If I had to guess they're going C-A-U-L-I-F-L-O-W-E-R. Cauliflower. Memorize it. 

Bieber Wanted for Assault, Seen Training with Mike Tyson, WTF?

TMZ - In an odd bit of foreshadowing, Justin Bieber hung out with Mike Tyson and got some boxing tips from the legendary fighter just days before his alleged run-in with a paparazzo. Check out the Biebs working the heavy bag with Tyson. They posed for a pic with another guy, which Tyson tweeted with the caption, "Me, @johnny and @justinbieber before we started training JB" As TMZ first reported, Bieber is now a suspect in a criminal battery after Bieber allegedly got into it with a photog in Calabasas. Cops were called to the scene -- Bieber and GF Selena Gomez had already split -- and the photog was transported to a nearby hospital and later released.

Fucking Biebs. Guy probably thinks he's tough now. Probably rolling all over Sunset and down Venice beach in some swagged up Afflicted shirts...Newsflash, that dude let you win. You just gave him the biggest pay day he'll ever get. 

Plus, you're the biebs. A stiff gust of wind could put you and your swag on your ass. Not to mention the fact that you're Canadian. 

PS: Good to see Biebs' handlers are steering him in the right direction. Mike Tyson is a great youth mentor.  

UPDATE: This pic from the Scene...Pretty sure that's exactly what Tyson wore in his fight with Bowe, except with two shoes, obviously.

 

Girls Just Shouldn't Be Allowed to Attend School At this Point if this Violates the Dress Code

HuffPo - Yesterday I got one of "those" phone calls that parents dread. Admittedly it was rather low on the scale of parental dread. One might reasonably say it was close to the bottom of the dreaded scale, but it was on there. My daughter had been escorted to the front office by the principal, and was cooling her heels there until a parent could come in and sort stuff out. Her life of crime had begun. I am not the best judge of "appropriate" dress for a 14-year-old girl. I try, but it is a skill I have no intention of using for very long. I tried to circumvent my need for it at all by suggesting that both my daughters wear hospital scrubs till they graduate the 12th grade, but that was apparently "not happening." I know that if I dressed myself from my younger daughter's wardrobe, it would be wildly inappropriate regardless of what I chose. Now my lack of attention had forced her into a life of crime. It is always the parent's fault...It turns out that the principal himself had personally identified her as inappropriately dressed. He had walked up to her during lunchtime and identified her crime where nobody else could. I can't help but think that the principal's action creates an unhealthy atmosphere in his school. 

Welp, that's it. We might as well not let girls go to school from ages 13-18 on at this point if this is going to be considered inappropriate. 

Far be it for me to determine what is and isn't appropriate for teenage girls, I have no frigen clue, and I'm not going to bother trying either, it's pointless. If the goal is trying to get into the head of a teenage boy to decide what he's going to find distracting, I can answer that for you right now:

EVERYTHING. 

Everything is distracting. Lady, if you dress your two girls up in scrubs, some 14 year old horndog kid is going to be day dreaming during Algebra 2 about playing doctor with them. If the girl is wearing sweat pants and uggs (the most deplorable outfit known to women), he's going to think about how she must've just rolled out of bed and got ready in the morning, then he's going to think about you in bed, and what she was wearing, and you can see where this was going. 

Point blank, from 7th grade through 12th grade there wasn't a single thing girls could wear that I wouldn't find distracting. Its just the way it works. If a girl came in wearing trash bags I would have fabricated some kind of bizarro trash-woman fantasy by second period. So if we're going to go around sending home every beige colored Nancy Drew-like outfit for being distracting we might as well send all the girls home. Use Afghanistans approach and just tell girls they're not allowed to go to school, stick to churning butter by hand and washing clothes down by the local crick.

Idiot High School Kid Punished for Tebowing at Graduation...Good

ESPN - A graduating senior at a Fort Myers, Fla., high school was punished for "Tebowing" on stage Saturday prior to receiving his diploma...Chuck Shriner, who said he was acting on a $5 bet with a classmate, took a knee and bowed his head in the prayer pose of New York Jets quarterback Tim Tebow during Bishop Verot Catholic High's graduation ceremony. "I just thought it was fun. I was just doing it to make graduation memorable," Shriner said, according to NBC affiliate WPTV. Neither Bishop Verot principal John Cavell nor Shriner's mother, a math teacher at the school, found humor in it. According to WPTV, Cavell withheld the diploma at the urging of Shriner's mother. As punishment, Shriner had to clean up the gymnasium, where the graduation ceremony was held, before receiving the diploma. A spokesman for the school said the punishment was the idea of Shriner's mother.

Good. His mom should have whupped him as he walked off the stage, frankly. All these internet fads, they're passed people, it's over. You're too late, it's not funny anymore, and you look like a jackass. This goes for leisure diving, planking, tebowing, Icing, those stupid pictures where everyone tries to jump at the same time at the beach except the fat girls on the end are always a second late or 12 inches lower than the rest of the group, and any other dumb internet picture fad thing that I'm forgetting. They're all over.

Hey dumb-ass, 20 years from now you're going to be remembered as the idiot kid that genuflected during graduation to mimic a back up NFL QB. Congratufuckinglations. 

 

General rule of thumb: If you would make fun of some asshole while out, at a bar, at Six Flags, the mall, wherever, for doing one of those moves with his friends, then you shouldn't be doing it either. Case closed.

How Pissed Would You Be if Your Pizza Was Made By Some Guy Hired for Dominating Pizza Hero?

"Dominos Pizza: Apologizing for our food sucking all these years, and begging for you to come to work for us by copying a video game that was popular 3 years ago." 

Great campaign fellas. 

On a side note, I tweeted this last night:

So if you've downloaded pizza hero, but for some reason aren't one of the 83 people following me on twitter, you missed out on an absolutely golden chance to be offended by me. @TheAltTab

Bill Clinton Doing His Damn Thing in Monaco with Some Adult Starlets

TMZ - Bill Clinton just out-Clinton'd himself -- posing with two famous porn stars in Monaco moments ago ... and one of them's a real up-and-comer. Clinton's in a Monte Carlo casino right now for a special "Nights in Monaco" gala event -- and several celebrities are in attendance ... including Diane Kruger, Joshua Jackson ... and a BUNCH OF PORN STARS. The two porn stars on Bill's arms are Tasha Reign (left) and Brooklyn Lee -- AVN's "Best New Starlet" in porn. Brooklyn -- who just posted the pic on her Twitter account -- also just won the award for "Best Sex Scene" in "Mission Asspossible." As for Tasha's film credits ... those include "Baby Got Boobs 8" and "Farm Girls Gone Bad."

I like to live in a world where I just pretend Bill Clinton is still the POTUS...Just on a Putin-like roll where he's imposed his will and dominated our government for the last 20 years, ignoring electoral laws and marriage vows at his own whim.

I think we'd be living in a better country. He's clearly a guy that's frankly, not bothered with what other people think.  He's just about getting the job done. Like this picture for instance. He obviously knew this would go viral, he's a former president posing for a picture with a girl who's latest film credit was "Mission Asspossible." This wasn't a cellphone pic that was just going to be shown off at parties and ultimately lost when she upgraded to the Iphone5, this was a share it with the world moment. 

Did it slow down Bill? Not at all. Not a care in the world that his wife is going to have his balls in a vice grip when he gets home. Doesn't matter that it will surely run in every Supermarket Tabloid this week with titles like "Ex-POTUS Sex Tape Scandal," or "Did Bill Simultaneously Knock Up Two Adult Starlets?" Didn't phase him. He was all about getting the job done and getting his dick in. If that meant taking a picture he'd surely take heat for the next day, so be it. 

That's the kinda leader we need right now. Not Obama, who's more content trying to make everyone happy rather than making the right decisions, and certainly not Mitt "Never had a beer in my life" Romney. 

Celtics Lose Game 6 and Half of their Players to Injuries

Boston - PHILADELPHIA -- The Celtics are not expected to have Avery Bradley for the rest of the season because of a left shoulder injury. A source close to Bradley told the Globe that the percentile is in the "high 90s" that Bradley will be shut down and will perhaps need surgery. The source said that it's "highly likely" Bradley's left shoulder would pop out again -- it has popped out twice in the series against the Philadelphia 76ers -- and playing further would put him at risk of "serious structural damage."

And I thought last nights loss sucked...

I'd flat be lying if I told you I was optimistic about Saturday and Game 7. The Celts last night looked very much like a team who's injuries and age were catching up with them. This is a team that battled like absolute (over used cliche alert) warriors from the All-Star break on. A team that legitimately only goes 6-7 men deep, plus two rotating scrubs that Doc likes to insert at his whim. And last night, it looked like it was all finally taking its toll. Please note I'm not knocking anyone right now, they've played great and have done better than anyone expected in late January/early February. I'm just coming to grips with a sad reality.

KG looked like he was back to being old. The fountain of youth that he tapped for a few weeks appears to have run dry. Guys he absolutely torched the first few games of this series he couldn't even get his shot off on. He just seemed a step slow, and couldn't get the ball off against smaller guys in the post, never a good sign. To his credit he was the only guy knocking down shots in the 4th, but still, they're not going to win based on KG 18 footers. 

Pierce is running on fumes. I've never seen him front rim as many shots as he has this series. The ball has no arc, he's not getting his usual step back spacing, and his already old man, herky-jerky game, has looked even slower. This is a guy who just needs some rest. 

Ray Allen is a guy valiantly trying on one leg, mainly because the C's are without the aforementioned Bradley. He's playing *way* more minutes than he's capable of right now and he's being exposed as a result. Watching him attempt to guard these younger sixers is just depressing at this point. 

Rondo - Listless performance. I don't know if its because his running mates were off, or if he missed one of his scheduled naps before the game, but something just wasn't right last night. Lack of aggressiveness, his usually crisp passes found the hands of the sixers far too often, and he seemed gun shy to take the elbow extended jumpshot that he'd made his home as of late. They're gonna need a prototypical Rondo game Saturday to have any shot of advancing. I'm saying one of his 14 pts, 11 rebounds, 18 assists, type of games. 

Marquise Daniels - What's he doing here, you ask? My thoughts exactly. But Doc decided last night, "you know what, a cold Marquise Daniels, who hasn't played in two games, might be able to slow down their best scorer." He couldn't. Not that I want to be too hard on Doc, at this point I gotta believe Danny Ainge is gonna be camped out at Basketball City these next two days looking for a two-guard to sign to a 10 day contract. 

But we'll see, we'll see what they got this Saturday. If this game wasn't at home I'd give them about a 30% chance of victory, but they've played very well at home as of late...I'm gonna give them a 75% chance of victory, but also begin to prepare myself for a crushing loss anyway.

Man Arrested for Assaulting 10 Year Old Brat At a Movie Theater

KENT, Wash. – A Washington state man fed up with a group of noisy moviegoers behind him, stepped over the seat and punched a 10-year-old boy in the face. The man was watching "Titanic" in 3-D with his girlfriend and had asked the people sitting behind to quiet down and stop throwing popcorn, but they laughed at him, he said..."I got so mad that it just happened," Yong Hyun Kim, 31, told police. The 10-year-old lost a tooth and had a bloody nose in the confrontation...Kim told police the boys' behavior was worse than talking. He says they were hitting him and his girlfriend with popcorn, running back and forth in the aisle and bumping him with their arms. "At one point Yong stepped over the seats and confronted the subjects behind him," the police report says. "Yong said he was talking to the subjects when they started laughing at him. Yong said he became so angry and swung his arm at one of the subjects and him in the face."

This is exactly why I don't go to the movies anymore. Been to the theater like, 3 times total in the last 3 years. Kim shouldn't be arrested, that guys a borderline hero, just doing what every other sane, responsible, and properly behaved movie goer has ever wanted to do.

I don't care if you're 10 or 80 years old, if you can't sit down and shut the fuck up in a theater, then you shouldn't be there. It's not time to play with your phone or PS Vita, it's not time to play fucking tag with your friends, it's not time to gossip about what Tammy did in the woods with Jimmy and how you think she's a whore because that's the third handy she's given out this year. Go sit on your fucking couch at home if that's what you plan on doing.

If anyone should be arrested its the parents of these kids, dropping off 10 year olds at the movie theater and using a 3 hour screening of the Titanic as a babysitter so the parents can go get their fuck on is just as irresponsible as it gets. They know how rude their kids are in public, they just figured the rest of society wouldn't mind putting up with it for a few hours. WRONG. Young Hyun Kim just put the movie going world on notice: No ones to young to get their mouth punched in for bad manners at the theater. Bravo Mr. Kim. Bravo.

Cory Feldman Takes out Restraining Order on 300 Pound House Guest

TMZ - Corey Feldman apparently had good reason to get a 6 ft, 300 lb woman arrested ... because the restraining order she allegedly violated shows a person right out of "Single White Female." According to legal docs, obtained by TMZ, Corey allowed a friend, Jennifer Herbert, to live in his house, but things went south quickly. Feldman claims Herbert threatened to hurt him, trash-talked him in front of house guests, and asked his kid "adult questions." Corey couldn't just throw Jennifer out, because she's paying rent and therefore is a tenant. So the restraining order required her to stay 6 feet away from Corey and his kid while in the home. It appears she violated that order, and as a result Corey's security guard made a citizen's arrest Friday night. Jennifer -- who Corey knew through Michael Jackson -- was taken into custody, Jennifer was released hours later, went back to the house with cops, picked up her stuff and left.

You know, Charlie Sheen and Corey Feldman really aren't that different. In fact, the differences can be summed up, pretty much like this:

Winning: Charlie Sheen

• Rich and Famous Family
• Lot's of drugs and alcohol with seemingly no legal and/or career repurcussions
• Bevy of sluts and porn stars at his beck and call.

Losing: Corey Feldman

• Not Rich and Famous Family
• Lot's of drugs and alcohol which caused ample legal and career repurcussions
• House Guests Weighing 3-Bills regularly putting him on blast in front of guests. 

I mean this story perfectly encapsulates everything I've ever thought about Corey Feldman. The guy was on the absolute top for a brief window in the 80's and somehow lost it all. All he had to do was make like, one right choice out of every 10 and he would have stayed mildly successfull for the last 20 years. Look at Charlie sheen, fuck up after fuck up, after fuck up, Great Career Choice, fuck up, fuck up, fuck up, Great career choice...that's all it takes. Hollywood is very forgiving, you've just got to make one good decision a decade and you're good. Corey couldn't even handle that, and that's why he's where he's at today, being verbally abused by some land monster he invited into his home to help make rent. 

 PS: Honest question, how off the rails does this kids mom have to be that Corey freaking Feldman got custody of their kid? That's nuts.