Out of Work NBA Players: Scottie Pippens Farm is Probably Hiring

Fox News -Each year, millionaires are soaking the government, not illegally, for some $30 billion in benefits from tax giveaways and loan programs, according to a report by Sen. Tom Coburn of Oklahoma. The eye-popping findings in the 36-page report include some eye-catching names, like former NBA star Scottie Pippen and billionaire media mogul Ted Turner, both of whom received farm subsidies courtesy of the U.S. taxpayer. Singer Jon Bon Jovi paid property taxes of only $100 last year on a plot of land he used to raise bees. Iconic crooner Bruce Springsteen also got in on the farm subsidy action, for property he leases to an organic farmer. And Millionaire composer-producer Quincy Jones is even singled out for receiving a $25,000 award from the federally-funded National Endowment for the Arts.

Is this stuff real? Like if I raise a school of bees, I'll basically pay 0 taxes? Public safety and well being of my neighbors be damned, I'm going out today and buying me some bee larvae, I don't know the first thing about bees, certainly don't have enough flowers for them to feed off of (though I wonder if they enjoy old grease?), and certainly don't have the acreage to protect any of my neighbors who may be allergic, but if I can get off tax free, I'm doing it. 

Look at Scottie Pippen over there, makes millions playing second fiddle to MJ all those years, retires and finally decides to bee his own boss, with the government footing the bill. Overalls on, hayseed hanging from his mouth, just plowing corn, or whatever the hell crop a multi-millionaire, former NBA great would grow...and he couldn't be doing it at a better time either, now that all these college dropouts and high school graduates are going to be out of work this season (or at least in all likelihood will be), they're going to be needing simple jobs that don't require any education whatsoever, and Scottie's going to be there waiting with arms open.  Just rolling in government cash, and strong physical labor. Scottie's basically positioned to take over the farming industry...Unless of course MJ owns a tobacco farm or something, in which case Scottie would be back playing number two...again.

For Real, What Do People Do With Their Used Cooking Oil?

I've kinda hit a breaking point with this shit, I literally have no idea how I'm properly supposed to be disposing of this stuff, and frankly, the stuff scares the shit out of me.

Like it's been drilled into my head so many times that you can't pour it down the sink or toilet that I honestly fear for my life if a drop goes down the drain...like one little drop and I'm chasing it down the drain with half a bottle of dish washer detergent and 30 minutes of hot water, I even debate leaving the house just in case the sink blows up or something...I'm that paranoid, I don't know why you can't pour it down the sink but I have to think there'll be horrific consequences judging by how often you hear you can't do it.

The other go to option from my care free, easy breasy college days, was to just dump that shit out the window. Sorry neighbors below, don't mind that filth flying by your window or the big old grease stain on the lawn/sidewalk below. That was the simplest solution, but something I've been informed is frowned upon in a domesticated relationship. Like all of a sudden the objects you throw out of your apartments windows directly correlate with your maturity or something, makes no sense to me but I guess I gotta play by the rules.

The third option, and one I'm currently going with, is pouring it into glass recepticles and apparently storing it for all of eternity under your sink...That's where I'm at right now. No joke, I have like 3 jars of crisp, congealed, lardy substances under my sink, not a clue what to do with them. Am I allowed to throw it out? Just doesn't seem smart, would in all likelihood lead to a raccoon revolution in our dumpster, that can't be good. Does someone want this stuff? Like it's not enough for any of those companies that go around buying grease, but maybe a hippie down at the Occupy Boston encampment could use this stuff? Feed their grease powered mopeds or something (do they have those? they really should). Either way I know I hate pouring this stuff into the jar (it always spills off, there's just no way to make a pan fit into the mouth of an old pasta sauce jar), I inevitably burn my hand a little bit, and now everytime I open the cabinet under the sink, I'm just faced with an undisclosed amount of old fat, just sitting there. It's gross.

So for real, what are people doing with this stuff? Help me out.

Closing Time For OWS & Occupiers Everywhere....Time For You to Go Home To the Places You Will Be From

MyFox Boston - More than 1,000 officers descended on the park shortly after midnight local time, issuing protesters with eviction letters and warning that they would be arrested if they remained. The cops were followed by sanitation workers, one of whom was overheard saying, "We're gonna disinfect the hell out of this place." The eviction letters declared that protesters should "immediately leave the park on a temporary basis so it can be cleared and restored for its intended use."

The day of reckoning has come! The revolution is here!

No, the Occupiers didn't accomplish shit, common sense has just finally prevailed and the park is being cleared out, Occupiers in major cities everywhere (and places like Worcester and Manchester too I guess) get ready, you'll be next. 

Props to Oakland for being the only encampment to actually fight back and make shit difficult for the man, I can gaurantee sanitation department workers weren't walking through Occupy Oakland making jokes about "disinfecting the hell" out of their park. Sanitation workers out there probably had to wear full on riot gear, pretty sure you could have just lured the NY occupiers away from their camp with the promise of Green Tea and a free Phish concert just around the block, they'd have gone peacefully and willfully. 

End of an era guys, the worlds most Urban campsite ever is over. Closing Time, You Don't Gotta Go Home, But You Can't Stay Here (but you should totally go home).

Quick Slants: Musings and Thoughts after 10 weeks of the NFL Season

Fact: This guy and his team are the top dogs in the NFL

Quick Slants: Thoughts and Musings on the NFL After Week 10

Well, it certainly has been a while since I put together a piece on the NFL landscape (with my other amazing piece coming back in Week 3) so suffice to say, the various scenarios around the league have transformed quite a bit. Even with that being said, with the exception of the juggernaut Packers, I have no fucking idea what to make of the rest of the league: every team seems capable of shitting their pants on a given week (Staring angrily at you and your Ravens Joe Flacco…the SEAHAWKS??? REALLY?) or just going out and completely dominating (The Houston Texans have looked absolutely sensational, especially against the Bucs…but now they lost their starting QB for the year and are forced to start…USC “superstar” Matt Leinhard, good luck winning a game the rest of the year) So, with the waters as clear as a muddy puddle, let me start out your day with another edition of Quick Slants

-As a Patriots fan, I lead off with them. I honestly wish I could have sent a Polaroid of me posing in front of a roaring fireplace with various hunting trophies above the mantle, me puffing on a big cigar while giving a giant middle finger, then I would mail it to every ESPN analyst/journalist who wrote the Patriots off for dead, just because we lost 2 games against quality opponents. As Belichick said, “37 points against the best defense in the league, suck my dick.” Even with that being said, the overall style of this team hasn’t changed at all. Live and Die by the Offense, because the defense is being held together with Elmer’s Glue and Scotch Tape

-There are few things in life more enjoyable than arrogant douche bags failing miserably at what they are paid to do, then yell at other people for their ineptitude on national TV. Suffice to say, the Chargers standing at 4-5 and Phillip River’s utter futility this season makes me smile with unfathomable glee. It’s typical Norv Turner: Give him all the talent in the world, he will find a way to mis-manage and coach it completely incorrectly. Sadly, their division sucks SO bad that they are only one game out.

-Welp, the Bills early season explosion out of the gates is fizzling quicker than Rick Perry is in achieving the GOP nomination (Did anyone see him forget what he was going to say during a debate for a straight minute? That one goes in the “Awkward moments” Hall of Fame.) As this blogger so intelligently predicted week 3, the Bills defense absolutely sucks and teams are gashing them with a healthy blend of running and passing. They have also realized, “Oh, Fred Jackson is accounting for 45 % of their offense, if we stop him they probably won’t win.” It also doesn’t help that Leodis McKelvin and Drayton Florence have combined for 104 pass interference calls between them.

-Is there absolutely any doubt that Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback/MVP in the league right now? I have debated this issue extensively with my patriot homer friends who adamantly defend Tom Brady’s honor and angrily question my loyalty for daring to pick someone else. Look, I am as glad as ANYONE we have Tom Brady as our quarterback. He is fucking competitive as hell and talented to boot. But this season he has been forcing the issue a little bit, off on the throws he usually makes, and forcing balls into coverage when he should know better. At THIS CURRENT MOMENT, Aaron Rodgers is better. Period. Every single statistic, along with the advanced ones I’m too lazy to look up, will validate this. He is on pace to throw for 5200 yards, have a completion percentage of 73%, tie Tom Brady’s touchdown record at 50, and has only thrown 3 FUCKING INTERCEPTIONS. He is putting up these insane numbers without turning the balls over, which is ridiculous because it is a testament to how well he is throwing the ball. Not to mention he can throw on the move as well as anyone I have ever seen and even run when the situation calls for it. Sorry guys, this dude is in his prime and is taking over as the best QB in the league

-While we are giving our accolades, the winners of the “Most miserably failing to live up to pre-season hype award” goes to….the Philadelphia Eagles! Seriously, I was a little surprised at their 1-2 start, but I expected them to turn it around, despite their crappy defense. Instead, they have completely torpedoed their season through a combination of Mike Vick trying to do too much, a porous offensive line that resembles a wet Kleenex tissue, and jumping offside when it was apparent to everyone in the world that that was what the Giants were trying to do. These guys are not making the playoffs, and given what we have seen, it’s not all that surprising. Don’t worry, that huge megadeal you gave to Mike Vick after last season when you didn’t have to doesn’t look completely idiotic right now.

-Tim Tebow’s sole purpose in this life is make people pissed off and argue about him, and I think the sanctimonious bastard loves every second of it. Seriously, would anyone even give the Broncos a second look if it wasn’t for the “Tebow Effect?” He gives every critic amble ammo to rail on him: his throws are wobbly and soft, his footwork sucks, and he couldn’t hit water with a pass if he threw it off of a boat in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean…BUT he continues to win. His completely unorthodox style has kept defenses off balance and has allowed him some modicum of success through running the ball and making opportunistic throws in addition to leading fourth quarter comebacks. Absolutely baffling. I despised him in college because the media refused to stop blowing him, but now I find myself rooting for him because all the meat head media dickheads hate him. Plus, the objective of the game is to win, not fulfill some arbitrary notion of what the role of “Quarterback” entails, and thus far, he has done that.

-The NFC South is going to come down to either the Falcons or the Saints, but given the results of Sundays game, I’d say the Saints are coming out of that division. Their offense is still top tier in spite of a putrid defense, while the Falcons are actually an equally balanced football team. The Falcons looked like they had straightened things out before this Sunday, winning three games in a row while rookie Julio Jones was showing everyone why Atlanta sold their next 10 drafts to get him. But after Mike Smith’s terrible call to go for it on 4^th and inches on his OWN 29 YARD LINE IN OVERTIME, the Saints were given a nice early Christmas present and are now in charge in the division. That said, I still think the Falcons are a team that should be matched down the stretch, they have the players to make a late season run.

-I’m honestly really let down the Texans lost Matt Schaub for the rest of the season, because this FINALLY looked like the year they were going to not only make the playoffs, but make some noise when they got there. They had great offensive weapons in Owen Daniels, Arian Foster, Jacoby Jones, Ben Tate, and (when healthy) Andre Johnson, and Wade Phillips had COMPLETELY revamped what was the worst defense in the NFL just a season ago. Really bummed out, because I rooted for them every year to kick the Colts ass and bust Peyton’s arrogant, douchey face in, even if they got their ass kicked every time they played the colts. Oh well, if the Texans are going to fizzle/barely scrape out the division, at least the Colts are 0-10 (and Peyton has to watch every second of it. I am once again extremely happy)

-Teams that are irrelevant/too boring/one’s I don’t car enough about to write a huge entry on, so they will get a “blogger blurb,” which is more than they deserve: Bengals: young and promising, not quite there, Ravens: Maddeningly inconsistent, Flacco has regressed (fuck you, Joe, I hate the fact you occupy a roster spot on my fantasy team) Jaguars: Blaine Gabbert has a nice head of hair, Maurice Jones Drew still good Titans: Matt Hasselbeck has risen from the dead, Chris Johnson making his GM trash his office almost every week by rushing for 30 yards despite getting tens of millions of dollars. Browns: Colt McCoy is not the answer, receiving core awful, Peyton Hillis looks like a one hit wonder Vikings: Despite their awful record, I firmly believe Christian Ponder can succeed in this league, despite his bad numbers thus far. He’s faced the Packers twice, which sucks for him, but he is athletic, fast, and his a big arm and usually makes good reads for a young kid. Watch him in the future. 49ers: Apparently good, defense is quite solid, Patrick Willis is an absolute beast, I take back that middle finger I gave Frank Gore Week 3 (unless it was the reason he had 5 straight 100+ yard games, then it still stands) Giants: Fuck them and Eli’s dumb face, nothing to say about these dicks. Lions: Still much better than anyone expected, but appearing to be experiencing some growing pains, as most young teams do. Their 3 losses came against quality opponents (49ers, Bears, Falcons) so look for them to continue to excel down the stretch, especially with the Putrid Panthers up next Panthers: Cam Newton to Steve Smith is good, the rest of the team not so much.

-The Steelers look to be, along with the Patriots, the class of the AFC. Big Ben is playing at a ridiculously high level, and with the exception of their 2 losses against the bi-polar Ravens, have been dominant against the rest of the league. Big Ben has recovered from his early season struggles, with 3 touchdowns and 5 picks through the first 4 games, with a resurgent 13 touchdown passes and 4 picks over his next 6 games. He also remains fucking IMPOSSIBLE to sack, due to his massive wooly mammoth like frame and my firm believe he douses his entire body and uniform in Crisco before every game. Once they get back ALL of their linebackers, since 1 or 2 of them have been missing from a majority of their games, (Farrior, Woodley, and Harrison) they are going to be downright scary. Fucking A’, that last section made me throw up twice while writing it, once because it was praising the Steelers and second because our new pet cat shit all over the coach RIGHT NEXT TO ME while I was writing.

Get Me This Zombie House

Before

I need this zombie safe house, and I need it now. Like in years past I'd have probably just laughed off anyone who was preparing for zombie's as complete loon's and fringe society members, but lately I'm not so sure. I mean, the CDC issued safety instructions in case of a zombie apocalypse, and when the CDC speaks, I listen.  

After

Not to mention the increasing frequency of natural disasters and Armageddon predictions, or the fact that 2012 is right around the corner. Now more than ever we've got to be concerned that zombies really might come and eat our brains for sustenance. You guys can stay here if you want to, I'm going to move to this sweet little plot of land on the country side and just ride this shit out in the safety of my rubiks cube shaped home. I'll be the last one laughing when you're all twitching and gangrenous, wishing you'd bought a zombie proof house when I warned you.

Blogging from Home Last Week was Like a Dream Come True

Ahhhh, the home office, such a sweet, sweet memory.  Right now Instead of lounging between my bed or my unnecessarily comfy office chair, I'm baking under fluorescent lights, with nagging co-workers, and a chair from 1998. 

I took two days off last week with no real plans whatsoever (we can't rollover days, and I get so many that I literally can't figure out what to do with them), so I took the opportunity to live out a sort of fantasy camp for myself, the home blogger...And it lived up to my wildest dreams.

 Just so you can get a mental image of what was going down, I pretty much stayed in bed all day, didn't get dressed, just put on sweats and a robe, didn't leave the house, ordered Chinese for lunch (the walk from my room to the door to get the food was the furthest I journeyed from my little lair), I was set up with my wireless keyboard and mouse, hanging on my bed, blogging and monitoring twitter and my e-mail chains on my ginormous 23 inch monitor, and watching the hilarity and hijinks of Michael Scott and the gang on demand, pretty much for two days straight. That's it, that's all I did. I browsed the internet, made some jokes over e-mail, posted a ton of blogs, and watched tv all day. It was everything I've ever wanted. 

Like look at that setup I've got going...anyone that ever tells you that blogging from home is still work is just straight up lying to you. 100%, they're just being a dick. I took a nap with my mouse in one hand and my remote in the other at one point.

When's the last time you did that at work? Never. Exactly. I loved the whole experience so much that I've been racking my brain all weekend to try and figure out how people make real money doing this, like what do I have to do? Do I have to start pimping lorna-doones and snuggies for your feet? Will that work? Is that the key to blogging from home successfully? Taking a break from snarky commentary and fairly obvious observations once in a while to pimp cookies and stuff that you can buy and Bed Bath and Beyond? Because I'll sell my soul for a chance to do this full time at home, I have no problem with it. Seriously, someone help me out here, I need this. I'm not cut out for the real world, I don't like bosses, fluorescent lights, words like "right sizing" and "foster" , and corporate wide e-mails announcing the promotions and title changes for a bunch of secret handshake executives. I do like robes, beds, random internet videos, writing, and advertising money.  Someone help me make this work. Please. 

Sincerely, 

Sobbing gently in my cube today.

I Agree with Dan Shaughnessy? I Can't Imagine Why Anyone Would Want to Coach the Red Sox

Not one offer? Really Guys

Boston - Yesterday it was Gene Lamont, a 64-year-old man who has been in professional baseball for 47 years. On Friday it was Torey Lovullo, a veteran of nine seasons managing in the minors. Last Wednesday, it was Sandy Alomar Jr., a nice former player with no managerial experience. Before that, it was 60-year-old bench coach Pete Mackanin with his nifty handkerchief, great hair, and iPad. We’ve also seen Brewers hitting coach Dale Sveum, the man who made us all forget Wendell “Send ’Em In’’ Kim. No-Names On Parade. This is the theme of the Red Sox managerial search in November 2011. Why are the Sox going low-profile in the search for their next skipper? Maybe the Globe’s Nick Cafardo gave us the answer last Sunday when he wrote about the Red Sox’ insistence on an “organizational approach’’ for their next manager. Nick explained that the Sox reject the old-school notion of “one voice,’’ and prefer managers “who take a lot of input from the front office.’’

Yikes, am I a horrible Red Sox fan? For the first time in like, ever, I'm finding myself agreeing with a Dan Shaughnessy column? I mean sure I got a chuckle out of the fact that he called "Wave 'em in" Wendell Kim, "Wendell "Send 'Em In" Kim" (not quite the same ring Dan), but other than that I found myself nodding in agreement an awful lot to this column. What does that mean? Do I have to turn in my Sox Nation membership card?

No, I'll be keeping that, I think it probably just means the Sox are in a bad enough place right now, that for the first time in like a decade, Dan's voice doesn't seem so off base...Don't get me wrong, I still find him a whining, muck raking, malcontent, its just that the circumstances fit a little better than usual right now.

Like I can't for the life of me imagine why no, experienced, good managers want, to interview for this job, who wouldn't want a handful of meddling bosses up and around your butt hole while you try to make day to day decisions for your team? Or a group of bosses that have their own personal slander media department (the Globe sports section) to discreetly rip you anytime you disagree with them, yet leaving them with complete deniability. Or a front office situation that is in such disarray that their perennial all-star closer just left town without even receiving a contract offer from the home team? You mean to tell me none of that is appealing to you as an established and well respected major league baseball coaching candidate? That's odd.

So yea, I kind of agree with Dan Shaughnessy here, the Sox leadership is a complete mess right now, and they really need to figure this out, now. Like its free agency time, teams are making offers left and right, and Ben Cherrington is still working with interior decorators to make over his office as far as I can tell. Come on guys, time to get your shit together.

Sincerely,

Sox Fan in a decidedly Pre-2004 state of mind.

Does A Good Night's Sleep Actually Make Me More Productive?

Most Days, This is Me by about 11 AM

You’re not going to believe this, but  I got a good nights sleep for once last Monday, and it really did help my productivity. Like I was kind of amazed that all those studies about 8 solid hours of sleep were actually true. Maybe scientists have a useful role in our society after all.

Generally I just assume coffee will help me out, but this was like me on coffee, on steroids, with someone shooting me with HGH just to top it off. Couldn’t believe it, it’s been so long since I’ve gotten a nights sleep like that, that I forgot what its about. I've hit a weird point in my life where sleeping in means Saturday or Sunday morning when I’m hungover…for the most part other than that I’m up and spry at 8 AM ready to go, no matter what day of the week, no matter what I have to do that day. Its like an old man alarm clock….which would be fine if I had an old man bed time, but I don’t. Ever since I realized I could watch The Office re-runs from 11:30-1AM, I do just that. 

Like I’m plain exhausted but forcing myself to stay awake. And it’s not that I haven’t seen them before or can’t whenever I want, I have all the DVD’s, I just feel oddly compelled to watch the entire episode, like I’m cheating on Michael Scott in some kind of odd-non-homo-erotic kind of way if I fall asleep while he’s on screen…I give him more respect than I did some college professors in that regard, and they held the keys to my future, all Michael Scott determines is whether I’ll be cranky the next day or not. 

I'm borderline debating if I have to break up with late night The Office, like I should have my girlfriend lock TBS for my own health and well-being. Just a cold-turkey break up from Michael Scott, I really feel that's my only way to quit this and become a functioning full-time member of society, like I was last Tuesday.

Biggest Overreaction to a Women's Volleyball Game You'll See Today

Women's Volleyball Game Ends In Insanity - Watch MoreFunny Videos

Guys, its just women's athletics, relax, nothing to take serious, I'm sure its just like when I played sports at the YMCA as a youngster, everyones getting a trophy, there'll probably be a nice jamboree party too. I could see rioting if this was something important, like men's volleyball, or even girls beach volleyball, but this just looked like your run of the mill, awkward women's sporting event. No need to turn it into downtown Bosnia.

PS: Someone tell that guy with the camera that the local newspaper will not be giving out pulitzer for his coverage of fireworks at the local gymnasium, get the hell out of there before you get a second degree burn bro.

This I could See Rioting Over