Oh, you thought that my blogs were all going to be witty social commentary or sports related analysis, didn’t you? Nope, I am here to “cross the line” so to speak and talk about a topic some might find unpalatable, but one I find amusing. Today, we guys (sorry girls, this exclusion is not borne out of some chauvinistic or sexist attitude I have, but because we all know girls don’t poop. Scientific fact) will examine and compare the vast array of sitting methods our gender uses when expelling the contents of our previous meals into the holy porcelain grail. This is all based on my very deep inquisitive research on the subject (edit: discussing it with friends) and these are my findings that I am happy to share.
1.) The Thinking Man
This bloggers preferred and exclusively utilized position when defiling any bathroom. I like to get both feet firm on the ground, cross the fingers, and rest my chin on my curled fingers while I muse about various topic of interest (like what other pooping positions people might use) I find this to be quite comfortable because my lower body is optimally positioned for an efficient passage of my waste into the bowl, while my head doesn’t get tired from sitting upright. That noggin of mine has a nice proverbial chair to sit in, courtesy of my fingers. There is also the distinct possibility that because I am sitting in a philosophical position, it actually makes me smarter. That’s what I tell myself anyways.
2.) The Squatting Dog
Much the same as “The Thinking Man,” but with one very crucial distinction: the man’s feet in this one are arched off the ground, with the heel raised up from the floor. I tried this once after a buddy of mine said it was his method of choice, and it was the most confusing thing I have ever done. My sense of balance was completely thrown off, since the firm foundation I am accustomed to was now balancing on the very front of my foot instead of having my weight equally dispersed. If this one works for when nature calls, power to you, but this method seems like it should be used primarily for animals who shit on the ground, hence its name.
3.) The Rocking Chair
To my dismay, not everybody likes to use my stance on the can when dropping dookies. One of the most odd variants I discovered is one test subject (edit: one of my friends who was willing to share his habits with me) rocks slowly back and forth, almost coaxing the solidified foulness out of their body. While a rocking motion might work if you were sitting on a porch in the summer time, this method seems downright dangerous to me. Sometime I like to play pretend and think, instead of voiding my bowels, that I am a bomber pilot and the water is my target. As in the case of most bombers, you don’t need to be all that accurate, just in the general vicinity of what you want to hit. The Rocking Chair scares the hell out of me, because it seems to me the probability of bombing the wrong target is too high, and that would lead to terrible (and horrifically vile) consequences.
4.) The Tuck-and-Cover
This is another method I discovered in my search that I find somewhat peculiar, though if it works for you, by all means keep going with it. This is where a man will sit on the can huddled over in a semi-fetal position, while utilizing one hand to keep their Johnson tucked under their leg and aimed at the toilet bowl. On the one hand, I can understand this motivation. How many countless times have we strolled into the waste disposal area of our house convinced we only had one task to complete, only to feel a pressure deep within the vicinity of our stomach and realize our “To Do List: Bathroom Edition” just doubled? But, going back to my Airplane Bomber Metaphor, you are a bomber man. You don’t need to keep a machine gun aimed at the ground when you have FUCKING bombs. It just seems very submissive, defensive way to do your business. As long you locked the door, no one is interrupting your private time, loosen up a little and enjoy your private time homes.
5.) The Power Squeezer
Very much similar to any meathead powerlifter/screamer at the gym, I usually encounter these guys when I’m out in public scenarios (the movie theaters, the mall, restaraunts.) You can tell what their method is by one of two ways. 1.) They will try to look covert and slip into the handicapped stall in these public forums. As everyone knows, these stalls have stainless steel rails running parallel to the walls of the crap receptacle. You can hear the almost indistinct “clink” as they place their hands on the rails and proceed to FORCE that evil fecal matter out of them, like a kind of disgusting exorcism. 2.) If these aggressive expellers of waste find themselves without their power rails, they will use the walls of a stall, and I have had the misfortune of being seated next to such an individual. I thought he was trying to punch a hole through the wall of the stall he hit it so hard. He also made Austin Powers in his scene where he murders number two sound as quiet as a church mouse. On a vindictive level, if you are going to make my bathroom going experience that uncomfortable, I hope you blow out of your sphincter (or some other equally essential component you need for taking a dump.)
By no means is this list completely exhaustive, nor is any one method better than another. These are just a few of the amusing methods I discovered and figured that the masses at large would like to compare/contrast their own defecation strategies with those I have listed here. A gross topic? Perhaps. But if I told you this wasn’t the type of stuff I think about when I’m not paying attention in class, I’d be lying.
