Am I The Only One Who Doesn't Know What W.B. Mason Does?

Posed that question during a Red Sox game the other night (these are the kinds of things you're missing if you're not following me, folks) after I saw what had to be the 10,000th W.B Mason commercial in my lifetime of watching the Sox...10,000 commercials, been sponsoring the Sox for years...Had no idea what they did. I know their catchphrase, "Who, But WB Mason, That's Who," but didn't actually know what product or service they provided. 

For a long time they ran commercials with some guy delivering paper to some father and his daughter, so naturally I assumed it was some sort of local version of Dunder Mifflin, but then this season they started talking about coffee pots and Keurig machines, completely threw me for a loop until my friend filled me in on what was going on. 

Apparently its an office supply company, and according to my friend, who I'm now wondering if he's just a glofiried office administrator, coffee is now a big part of the office supply game...who knew? 

To be fair, I'm not an office administrator, so I have no experience in that realm. Also, the commercials are like 2 minute short films. There's so much dialogue and the story is so rich and compelling that it distracts me from figuring out what the hell is going on at this company. They got the best commercials in the game when it comes to production value, and about the worst I've ever seen when it comes to figuring out what they're trying to sell me.

Who But W.B. Mason.

Concord, MA Votes to Ban Water Bottle Sales

CONCORD (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - Nearly 700 residents packed Concord-Carlisle High School on Wednesday night to vote on a measure that would ban the sale of water bottles. Voters on both sides shared their thoughts on the ban. While those in favor pointed out the environmental benefits of the ban, those opposing the ban claimed it was unconstitutional to allow special interest groups dictate the purchases of everyone else. After a recount, the vote was 403-364 in favor of the ban. That vote could still be disputed. 

These people are crazy. Lets get that out of the way right now. The people in Concord have lost their minds, there's no real getting around that...apparently at this same meeting there was also a vote about having to keep cats on leashes...that pretty much sums it up. 

And yes, this might be the single most trivial municipal law I've ever heard of, but I'm going to weigh in, because I have an opinion on everything, and it's going to surprise you.

I don't think this is that big of a deal. Do I think it's a bat-shit crazy thing to hold a town meeting over? Absolutely, its frigen nuts. Do I think it has a chance of standing? Nope, no chance in hell. Do I think it's a big deal? Not one bit. 

Why? Because I'm not one of these water bottle people who needs multiple bottles per day, every day, wherever they go. I've come to accept I'm in the minority here, I'm engaged to a water bottle enthusiast, it still confounds me at times when I open the fridge and see scattered half drank water bottles, but diff'rent strokes for diff'rent folks I guess. 

Call me crazy, but I usually grab one bottle, and use it for a few days, at least at work anyway. I'll clean it out and repeatedly fill it up...its a plastic recepticle people, you can re-use it. And it's not like the water in the bottles has some magical properties, its been proven time and time again that the water quality from most faucets is as good if not better than most bottle water brands (Fiji aside, that stuff is amazing...I don't know if its a placebo effect or what, but I honestly feel like I could get up and run a marathon with just my rectangular shaped bottle of Fiji water on absolutely no training whatsoever). 

People realize that like, just two decades ago, in the early 90's these weren't that prevalent, right? Not to sound like some old curmudgeon lecturing whiffersnappers or anything, but I used to literally drink out of the hose in my backyard when I was thirsty during a thrilling game of Kick the Can. Yes, my mom warned me not to do that, something about arsenic or whatever, but it seems like I came out ok.  The other thing that may shock some people is that people used to buy gallon water jugs, fill them up at local water spots, and then drink from....A CUP! I know, barbarians, right? Just crazy talk, but its true. 

You don't need water bottles people, you certainly don't need them to the extent that we consume them these days anyway...the town is still out of their mind for thinking this wasn't a waste of time, but I can't say that I disagree with them. 

  

It's Time We Had A Talk With the Hip-Hop Industry Over Holograms.

TMZ - For the first time in nearly a decade, TLC will be reuniting for a U.S. concert tour later this year -- and TMZ has learned, the late Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes will be making a special appearance. The group's rep tells us, Tionne "T-Boz" Watkins and Rozonda "Chilli" Thomas are currently in the planning stages of a massive 2012 reunion tour in the U.S. So far, we're told 5 major cities have already been booked -- and even more are in the works. But the big surprise ... we're told the group plans to pull a Tupac -- incorporating their deceased former member Left Eye in the shows, projecting her image on a big screen and working her vocals into the live performances.

Nope. No, no, no. Nope. This isn't going to work out guys. We can't have Hollywood, and specifically the rap/hip-hop/R&B industry monopolizing this cutting edge technology and using it for such trivial matters. I can't cosign on this. 

Tupac, I could have lived with, he could have been a sort of measuring stick, representing the line in the sand for the bare minimum your life had to have an impact for you to be worth memorializing via hologram. I'd have been fine with that. Unfortunately, the early results look like we're going the other way, that everyone from here on out may be even more trivial than Tupac. 

I'm sure "L" was a nice enough person (aside from that time she burnt down Andre Rison's house) and she might have touched a few people, I'm not saying I get a bit emotional when Waterfalls comes on, but someone surely does, but if we're going to go hologramming her then we're going to have to hologram every dead music artist.

Which if you want to do that, fine, but then we're going to force you to share that technology for good as well. For every Lisa Left Eye Lopes appearance you also need to produce an MLK "I Have a Dream" hologram. When Dave Grohl gets around to deciding he misses Kurt Kobain enough and goes back on tour with Nirvana, he'll  need to produce a JFK "Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You" hologram. When Puffy decides he wants to make another boatload of cash and brings back Biggy, I don't know, he'll have to bring back Walt Disney or something...you get where I'm going with this?

It's a pretty cool technology, lets not waste it on a bunch of trivial money grabbing events for people who realize theirs profits to be made off the memory of their dead friends/fellow performers.    

Red Sox Fans Pulse Check: A Bit Suspicious, But Coming Around

That says about everything you need to say. You got the teams backup catcher quoting lines from Major League II, and despite this being a team with a $175 million payroll, and that being a movie about a bunch of castoff misfits, it kinda fits.

I mean it, the collapse last year, all the shit that went down in the off season, topped off with this years flat start? There's not much in the department of expectations around here right now. I'll take baby steps right now, I'll take being happy over three game winning streaks (even if it means watching our closer teeter totter on the brink of disaster every 9th inning like he did last night). Maybe Bobby V was right a couple of days ago, maybe they finally hit rock bottom during that Yankee comeback, and we'll all have something to root for instead of jeer as we watch them scrap their way to respectability...Maybe (but as the title suggests, I'm suspicious at this point). 

H/T to @mazz33 for the tweet tip.  PS: If anyone else wants an H/T (stands for had tip) feel free to send along interesting bits of tid, funny anecdotes, things from the internet, or just about anything else you'd like.  You can reach me on Twitter or via e-mail at TheAltTab@gmail.com.

Woman Jumps Into Van During Police Chase

How about these guys narrating this thing: "Is it possible she's talking to the driver." Uh, yeah...I'd say that's definitely who she's talking to. 

I'd love to know what was going on in that conversation. "Hunny, we're running late for the movies, I've got a cop escort, but I know how you hate to miss the previews so you're going to have to jump in on the fly."

Pretty Sure Chris Farley Is Alive and Going by the Name of Kevin Farley

That's a terrible disguise bro

TMZ - Comic actor Kevin Farley -- younger brother of the late Chris Farley -- has been accused by his ex-GF of making death threats over the phone ... but Kevin is adamant she's lying through her teeth. Farley's ex, Fayrene Byrd-Doig, filed a request for a restraining order in L.A. County Superior Court ... claiming Kevin called her up on March 23, 2012 and said, "He was going to f**king kill [me]." But Kevin tells TMZ ... Fayrene is simply a "sick woman" who has concocted dangerous lies in an effort to get back at him for breaking things off with her in 2009. Kevin says, "She's been blaming me and harassing me ever since."

Hold on, what? Kevin Farley? Come on, you're not fooling anyone. Has Chris been alive this whole time and I had no idea. I mean, call off the Tupac search, lets focus on this for a little bit.  That there is Chris Farely, and frankly, he doesn't look like he's aged a day since his alleged death. Furthermore, I've never heard of Kevin Farley. In fact, I just checked his IMDB page and I'm now convinced more than ever that Kevin Farley is just a made up identification. The credits are just a mixed bag of things I've never even heard of and might just be made up, and credits to shows and movies so bad that there aren't enough people who actually watched them to definitively say whether he was or wasn't in it.  An easy page to fake without anyone catching on.

"The Jadagrace show?" Made up. Cellmates, Pretend Time, The Gold and the Beautiful...All Made up. Credits in the United States of Tara...this is a particularly shrewd move and I'm pretty sure all evidence of this show has been destroyed in an effort for America to save face with the rest of the world. "Wild Girls Gone." You can't make this shit up. 

I'll now be convinced till the day I die that Kevin Farley is actually Chris, flying under the radar all these years. It makes sense, I'd want to get away if David Spade just hanging on my coattails and following me around everywhere like a puppy dog. Guy just needed a break.

QR Codes on Gravestones: Sure To Cause a Cross Generational War

ABC - Call it tombstone technology. Some gravestones can now link loved ones to online memorials using a smartphone. A monument company in Indiana is offering to put QR codes on headstones. You scan it with your smartphone and the codes connect you to a memorial website about a loved one, including photos, biography, and other information. They can even send text messages to the family or share stories. The company says it's selling several of the headstones each day.

Well that's going to be the icing on the cake. You're just going see widespread brawls taking place in the middle of funeral processions from here out. Old people swinging canes and walkers, ringing the bells on their life alert alarms to bring reinforcements, versus, teenagers and twenty somethings raising holy hell with their damned modern techmogizmos.

Nothing will divide the crowd more than some youngster with a smartphone reading the QR code on the grave stone and chuckling at old family videos of the deceased while the old folks mourning their loss in the more traditional way stand a few feet away. Oldie's already think whiffersnappers and their cellphones are  the down fall to society and you can't go anywhere without seeing them. The cemetery was like their Fortress of Solitude when it came to that kind of stuff...not so much anymore gramps.

PS: I'd want my QR Code to go to something really creepy, something like:

If You Weren't Sure Before, Chris Bosh is Def the Odd Man Out in the Big 3

If this picture doesn't just define Bosh's role with the big three in Miami, I don't know what does. I mean look at it...

First off, they threw him at the very end of the bench. I don't know if that's his usual spot, or if its punishment for that 1970's clown suit he's wearing, but it says alot. By placing Bosh in that spot James and Wade effectively don't have to look at the Bostrich, at all. Just cast off, probably craning his bird neck all night long trying to get into whatever the guys on the bench were joking about. Poor guy. 

Secondly, look at his posture! Now look at James' posture. This is a man who DEFINITELY gets stuck with the middle seat on team flights. The guys on the Heat must pull straws to decide who gets to sit next to Bosh on flights. Just dominating the armrests and legroom from take off to landing while he insecurely cowers in the middle seat. 

Just look at him. James all comfy, elbows and legs spread wide, like he's taking a nice and relaxing shit on the toilet (the Heat backups actually were taking a shit on the court at that moment, so its nice symmetry really), while Bosh has to pull the always awkward and uncomfortable shoulder across your chest move and is clenching his legs together. It is the picture of uncomfortableness. He looks like a movie character who was just sexually abused and is afraid of human contact. 

Ladies and Gentelman, Chris Bosh...The Sexually Abused Character in a B Movie, and 1/3 of the Miami Big Three. 

President Obama Slow Jams the News, Presumably Takes Huge Jump in the Polls

Not even kidding, THAT is how you win an election. THAT is the Obama everyone voted for four years ago. THAT is the Obama that'll make Romney look like a stale cracker (lazy pun totally intended) this fall. 

Voting for that Obama is fun. Don't look at his track record, it's been so-so, but no need to point that out. Don't look at the fact that there's no evidence that he's an effective leader capable of shaping congress' opinion, in fact, pay no attention at all to the fact that this probably alienated 60-65% of congress, this is just how you win an election, you make it fun. Voting for Romney is going to be like watching paint dry, like folding tighty-whitey's in the laundry, like doing taxes. He might have the requisite financial knowledge and experience to lead our country out of our current fiscal quagmire, but it'll be boring as shit, will probably involve things like hard work, personal accountability, and due diligence...No thanks bro. 

Obama's got it figured out. The way to win an election is to turn it into a high school class president election, all you gotta do after that is be the most popular guy in the room. Check and Mate.


PS:

"So I said, Whats good Shawty? And that's how Michelle and I met."

 H/T to @jose3030 for the screen grabs.