Jessica Simpson May be Pregnant, But She's Also Hell-a Fat

Boston Herald - Pop singer Jessica Simpson yesterday confirmed the world’s worst-kept secret: She and Needham homey Eric Johnson are having a baby. “It’s True! I am going to be a mummy!” the 31-year-old said in a statement posted on her website yesterday alongside a photo of her in her Halloween costume — a mummy — cradling her tummy. The confirmation came after weeks of speculation about the singer, who had been seen in scores of paparazzi shots with what appeared to be an ever-expanding baby bump.

I'm not sure what the rules are about calling pregnant lady fat, but Jessica Simpson is FAT.  I mean, yea there might be a baby in there somewhere, but it sort of looks like there's a couple honey-hams and a Christmas Turkey too. Look at her! She's built like a brick shit house...you can't tell which one of them used to play in the NFL and which one was a pop star, they've got the same physique!

I'll be honest, this is the first time I looked into this story, like for 2 weeks Jess had been all coy about whether or  not she was pregnant, hinting at it but not fully confirming, and all the while I was a bit puzzled about how there could be any confusion, like you know when a woman is pregnant, she sprouts a beach ball under her shirt...but now I get it, I understand the confusion. She looks like a frigen long haul trucker who's been eating at roadside diners for 15 years, just pounding cheese steaks and fries all day. Plus, now that she's apparently wearing moo-moo's in public  you really can't tell if its a baby bump or just her natural gut. 

PS: How the hell do her legs work? What in gods name is up with those cartoon like sticks that are improbably holding up her girth? Can we get some physicists to explain how that's happening?

Lazy New York City Teachers Suspending Kindegardeners at an Alarming Rate

NYC - A number of city public schools suspended kids in kindergarten for misbehaving last year — including three schools that hit the double-digit mark. PS 212 in Brooklyn registered 13 suspensions of kindergarten this past school year, followed by PS 13 in Staten Island with 12 suspensions and PS 115 in Brooklyn with 10. “It’s troubling, because a lot of these kids are being suspended for behaviors that could be dealt with in a more constructive fashion,” said Kim Sweet, executive director of Advocates for Children. “We think suspension is very much a last resort because it removes a child from the classroom and it doesn’t teach them appropriate behavior.”

No shit these kids could have been dealt with in a more constructive manner, just how bad of a teacher do you have to be to be suspending 5 year olds on the reg? That's as low as it gets.

When I was in kindegarden (full day by the way, none of this half day crap that some kids do now) we had 6 basic periods a day, and each one of them was a blast, like if you're the teacher and you're fucking this up, you suck at life, because as a five year olds, we ate all this stuff up:

1) Reading - When you're just learning to read this is easily as fun as a Call of Duty session, Thomas the Tank Engine, Clifford the Big Red Dog, Curious George...Those are still my favorite books today.

2) Coloring - Hand the kids some crayons under the guise of teaching them to "color in between the lines" and just leave them be for like 45 minutes. I colored my ass off in kindegarden, had one of those Super 64 packs from Crayola, wore each and everyone of those suckers down to the nub. Red-Orange was my favorite, fyi.

3) Snack/Building Blocks time - Everyone run to your cubbies, get a snack and then go build things with blocks and lincoln logs...No joke, I don't even think my teacher was in the room during this time, think she just went down to the teachers lounge to hang out with some adults. Kids just sword fighting with the bigger blocks, raiding the girls groups that were pretending to play house, and building stately log cabins from the lincoln logs (my specialty).

4) Lunch/Recess - See ya, kids are out of your hands for another half hour...We're half way through the way and you've so far read to the kids for like 30 mins...that's it. That's your entire day of work so far.

5) Nap time - There is no lazier an exercise for teachers than nap time. Tell the kids to find a spot and lay down and you've done your job. True, I never slept during nap time, I always made it my mission to sneakily crawl from one end of the room to the other without being noticed, but as long as you don't have any funny co-ed business going on you've got nothing to worry about (and luckily for you, girls have cooties at that age, so no real chance of funny business here)

6) Gym - See ya, kids gone for 45 more minutes. If it's Friday you can literally take this time to pregame for your night out later, no one will know.

7) Go Home.

If you're a kindergarden teacher that's it, that's your day. One half hour of reading, passing out a few crayons, and the rest of the day is your oyster. Do whatever you please. It's unfathomable that there's a human being out there that can't handle that, so you can see how the public would be puzzled if teachers are just suspending kids to lighten their loads, it just makes no sense.

Texas Woman Takes Offense To Jersey Woman's Standard Hooker Attire

Standard Hooker Attire

A Jersey City woman said her finger was bitten during a fight at a Hoboken parking garage early Saturday after a woman from Texas pulled the bottom of her skirt down, police said. At 2:02 a.m., a 23-year-old Humble, Tex., woman was in line at the garage at 111 River St. with a 22-year-old Lodi woman when she noticed that the Jersey City 30-year-old’s skirt was so high the woman’s buttocks were being exposed, reports said. The Texan who did not know the Jersey City resident took matters into her own hands and pulled the woman’s skirt down, reports said.The argument got physical and the Jersey City 30-year-old sustained a bite to her left ring finger and a scrape to her knee, reports said, adding the Lodi woman was scratched on her forehead.

What the hell is this? Look, I don't know what appropriate attire at 2 AM in a parking garage is in Texas, but in Jersey, its strange if you're not flashing ass. Not only does this Southern Belle come in and throw off this hoochies game, probably costing her a john or 3, but then she bites her finger, the fuck is that?  There some kind of uniformed dress code for hookers that this lady was violating that I'm not up to date on? Cuz I kinda assumed that ass cheeks out was standard attire. Only thing I can think of was this Jersey City woman was just working this Texas girl all night, stealing client after client and little miss Texas had enough, she just couldn't compete with this other broad flashing her goods before getting paid. The whorin' business is a tough game for a prude.

Does these Look Like the Faces of A Family Haunted By Fornicating Ghosts?

 

Actually, no these don't look like the faces of a family reporting ghost sightings...I've literally never been so shocked by a story since those folks down in Mobile, Alabama started reporting leprechauns. I mean, this has to be the surest sign yet that Dr. King's dreams of equality are coming true, because 15-20 years ago, acting batshit crazy, telling news reporters that you've got to ghouls getting buck in your living room, dogging it out in front of your young daughter was strictly the realm of crazy white folks. This video is progress people.

PS: Is anyone else as confused by their tv as I am? Do they have a wide screen tv standing vertically? Is that what's going on here? And yes I've spent more time analyzing the TV than that ghost straight pounding his chic next to it...thats an open and shut case, ghost is getting his fuck on. 

Austin Texas To Allowing Vigilante Parking Tickets to Be Issued

Dickhead

The Newspaper - Residents of Austin, Texas may soon have the power to issue parking tickets by taking a few photographs of someone else's car with their smartphones. A unanimous council voted on October 20 to explore the concept of deputizing vigilante meter maids using an iPhone app. Disabled advocates pushed the program at the council meeting in the hopes of guaranteeing easier parking. They were joined by others who were just interested in writing the $511 tickets. "I am a community policer from way back," one resident said at the meeting. "I'm also one of the first code compliance volunteers in my neighborhood... Low income people like me can't even afford a cell phone, so I think if you're going to allow this you should also expand this ordinance to include the ability of the police department and code compliance to purchase smartphones for their volunteers."

This simultaneously titillates me and horrifies me. I mean, I get infuriated when I see some jackass park his car like a total dickhead, taking up two spots, halfway in-halfway out, hugging the line so much that you have to go on a diet to get in and out of your car...It all angers the shit out of me...Like it's no wonder stores like Target and Stop n' Shop have those self blood pressure check machines at the doors, it's so people like me can calm themselves from the verge of a heart attack after dealing with the jackass parking situation in most parking lots...but I digress.

So yes, a part of me would absolutely love this, but the other half of me detests this idea, and its because of people like the one resident who offered up this beauty of a quote "I am a community policer from way back," one resident said at the meeting. "I'm also one of the first code compliance volunteers in my neighborhood."....You're an asshole.  This is the kind of person that sees a car parked illegally and phones it in to the police, or worse yet leaves a piece of paper with a note on your windshield. I'd kick this person in the nuts/ovaries if I ever saw them...Everyone illegally parks from time to time, it's the people who park like assholes we should be after, not the person who on occasion blocks a bus lane or fire hydrant because they're running into Dunks and the Dunks on Main Street unfathomably only has two fucking parking spots so every morning its a battle royal to try and snag one so I can get my coffee so that by the time I get to work I'm not a homicidal maniac...but I digress again. 

Bottom line, if you're going to do this you need clear and specific rules, and you need to screen for d-bags before allowing them to take part in this. Also, if I'm out there doing the work for meter maids, who have a tit job to begin with, you best believe I want a part of the cut...If you're writing up $511 (and how they came to that number I have no idea) tickets for handicap violators, I want at least $200. Completely serious, I'm not going to do your job for you and not get a cut of the profits, that's horseshit.

This October Snow Storm just Embrarrassing the Crap Out of Massachusetts

FRAMINGHAM -- Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick today urged patience as hundreds of thousands of utility customers in the state waited for their power to be restored after an unusually early nor’easter over the weekend that dumped as much as 30 inches of heavy, wet snow in some areas. Patrick said utility crews were “making progress” but there was “a lot more to do and a few days yet before power will be restored to everyone.”More than 519,000 customers were without electricity at mid-morning, but by the late afternoon, the number of power outages had dropped to around 460,000. Late in the afternoon, Patrick, who had declared a state of emergency Saturday night and mobilized National Guard troops, signed a letter to the White House requesting an emergency declaration that would allow federal storm relief funds to flow to local governments, said Massachusetts Emergency Management Agency spokesman Peter judge.

Jesus this is embarrassing, we get like 5-6 storms like this a season in Massachusetts, do we really need to be calling for federal storm relief in October? Seems a bit premature, come January the White House is going to be treating Deval like the Boy Who Cried Wolf. Like, "hey, sorry Deval but you fooled us back in October and November with that fluke snow storm you got, we're not falling for that shit again."

Guys, it snows here all the time, and this wasn't some freak, unexpected storm, they'd been predicting it for a week, how about a little preparedness. Yea, I know it was still October, doesn't mean you ignore every weather prognostication out there, lest you want to end up stranded on the Flemish Caps with Mark Wahlberg and George Clooney, I suggest you take the weather man's advice. Seriously, have the plows ready, have the tree crews ready, and get this shit fixed. Shit, give those Occupiers something to do and give them the keys to a plow truck or something, put them to work so they'll shut up for a week or so but lets get this shit done instead of crying to Washington because it snowed in New England, the novely of it, huh?

And this isn't all to the state either, if I hear one more complaint about all the food people just bought going bad in the fridge I'll lose it...I understand some people went out shopping in earnest, just did their weekly shopping and now that food is ruined (unless you were smart enough to load a cooler or two with ice and stick it outside). But for the rest of the assholes who spent Saturday in Stop n' Shop loading up on everything under the sun because a snow storm was coming, only to see all that food spoil during the ensuing black out, well the jokes on you...Stop stocking up on everything whenever its threatening to snow! It makes no sense. You buy all this shit, and outside of water and a couple canned goods, you can't even keep it fresh, do you see the irony here? Do you?

Weatherman Sees Thunder Snow for the 4th Time!

SOMEONE CALL THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS!

Damnit, I really missed my calling, this video just rubs it in. I took 3 weather related classes in college to fulfill my science credits, I get irrationally excited about various weather conditions, and no one, I mean no one, gets more jacked up for Thunder snow than me...not even you Jim Cantore.

Last week, at the very same time Jim was going ham during a live shot (way to keep it professional Jim), I was driving, saw thunder snow, heard the lightning, and literally pulled my car into a parking lot to tweet it. It couldn't wait, I was too damn excited, probably would have peed myself if I didn't release my excitement via twitter, don't believe me, look, first one's me exclaiming the presence of the Thunder Snow, second one is me conferring with a fellow reveler. 

All the while I'm pulled over in some parking lot on the side of the road, completely off track for the McRib I had headed out for. So you'll understand why I'm a little upset here that Jim Cantore is literally (and figuratively) stealing my thunder here. The guy has my job and I didn't even know it until now. I mean how much more training could he have really had than me? Are there more than 3 weather classes in college? I feel like they forgot to give me a minor in weather for all my hard work plotting hurricanes and memorizing cloud formations. I could have gone on to a whole other career, a TV weather man with a weather blog that would be absolute fire.

Jet Blue Passengers Stranded on Plane for 8 Hours Sunday, Without The NFL Sunday Ticket

JetBlue plane stranded on tarmac for 7 hours: MyFoxBOSTON.com

CONNECTICUT (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - The U.S. Department of Transportation has launched an investigation into reports that JetBlue and American Airline passengers sat for hours on planes stranded at Bradley International Airport outside Hartford, Conn. Passengers on JetBlue Flight 504 said they sat on the tarmac for more than seven hours waiting for fuel, despite repeated requests from the captain for a tow to a gate. According to recordings posted on the website LIVEATC.NET, the captain of flight 504 told air traffic controllers, "I have a paraplegic on board that needs to come off. I have a diabetic on here that's got an issue... a list of things, I just got to get some help." The JetBlue pilot is also heard criticizing his own carrier for not bringing help sooner. "Look, you know, we can't seem to get any help from our own company... I apologize for this, but is there any way you can get a tug and a tow bar out here to us and get us get us towed somewhere to a gate or something. I don't care, take us anywhere," the captain said.

Wow. Freaking A' Jet Blue, huh? 8 Hours? I mean I know you've got Direct TV on there, but the programming aint that good, you don't even have the Sunday Ticket. 

I'm not even kidding, I'd rather be dead than sitting on a tarmac with a bunch of asshole strangers for 8 hours, crying babies just belting out screams, undoubtedly a smelly foreigner or two, that guy who calls out to the flight attendants every 20 minutes asking how long it's going to be...Just open the freaking doors guys, don't those inflatable slides just pop right out? I'll take my chance dodging planes and those luggage carriers, but get me the hell off the plane. 

In all seriousness though, a refund Jet Blue? That's what ya got? What in the hell makes you think any of these people are ever flying your airline again? I like you Jet Blue, I really do, but a refund, come on...How about like a refund plus a free round trip flight, you just ruined 8 hours of every one's lives, I'd say you owe them 8 hours of free flights. 

Red Sox to Interview Dale Sveum for Coaching Job...Remember Dale, Worst 3rd Base Coach Ever

Guy was basically a statue like this all season long, sending everyone in sight

Boston - The Red Sox will interview Philadelphia Phillies bench coach Pete Mackanin tomorrow and Milwaukee Brewer hitting coach Dale Sveum later this week as the search for a new manager gets underway in earnest. Sveum, who turns 48 next month, was the Red Sox third base coach from 2004-05. He has been with the Brewers in the six seasons since, serving as third base coach, bench coach and hitting coach under three managers. Sveum became interim manager in 2008, leading the Brewers to a 7-5 record and a playoff spot. Milwaukee then lost a division series against the Phillies in four games. The Phillies went on to win the World Series. Sveum has three years of minor league managing experience, all coming with Pittsburgh from 2001-03. He was 213-211 and led Altoona (Pa.) to the 2003 Eastern League playoffs. Sveum played 12 years in the majors (1986-99) for the Brewers, Phillies, White Sox, Athletics, Mariners, Pirates and Yankees. He hit .235 with 69 home runs.

Is everyone ok with this, because I sure as shit am not.  Dale Sveum, are we serious here? Nothing against Dale the person, I'm sure he's a swell guy, but my issue is that I know his name at all. His career resume reads like a hanger-on'er bench coach here, third base coach here, batting coach here, etc...I shouldn't have a clue who he is, but I do, and that's generally not a good thing for a career assistant. Take this Pete Mackanin, guys been in baseball in some form since 1973, never heard of him, and that's a good thing.

The only reason I've heard of Dale Sveum is because he was perhaps the worst 3rd base coach in Red Sox history outside of Wave 'Em In Wendell, and frankly, if Dale's name began with a "W" we would have honorarily bestowed Wave 'Em In to him as a nick name. Nothing funny went with Dale, that's all. But back to my point, if I know who you are as a third base coach, you suck at your job. I couldn't tell you who the 3rd base coach has been for the past few years for the Sox, no idea. And it's not like I'm not watching the games, or that I'm completley oblivious, if someone said the name I'd be like "oh yea it's him," but there's just no way I can think of it off the top of my head...Dale hasn't been here for like 5 years and I still remember him getting runners buried at the plate. And in case you think it's just me, irrationally hating on this guy, check out his wiki: "Most Hated Third Base Coach on a team that won the World Series." Not a title you aspire to. (actually check out his wiki page, its hilarious).

So count me as out on this one, unless it's written into Dale's contract that he has no control over base running, bunting, and giving signs whatsoever, I think I'll pass, sorry Dale.