Red Sox Fans Pulse Check: So Long Darnell McDonald

Ortiz's 400th Home Run on an Otherwise Depressing Red Sox Weekend

OAKLAND — The Yankees have claimed outfielder Darnell McDonald off waivers from the Red Sox and will have him in uniform for Friday's game at Fenway Park. McDonald was designated for assignment on Saturday. He hit .214/.309/.369 in 38 games this season.

FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST, THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, WE'RE FREE AT LAST!

Darnell, it was a blast infuriating, I'll always thank you for those couple of walk-offs you hit in April three seasons ago, but you milked more than your share of 15 minutes off of those two hits and it was time for you to go. I am not saddened by your departure, but hopeful. Hopeful that you take that amazing .678 OPS to a corner outfield spot in Yankee Stadium and bless the Yankee faithful with all the weak pop outs to left and K's with runners on they could ever want. God Bless, Darnell.

And any day that your biggest rival signs the guy who was LITERALLY the worst player on your roster for about 3 years running, it should be a good day....But Nope. These are the 2012 Red Sox, folks. The most Jekyll & Hide team I can ever remember.  I all but abandoned these Pulse Checks because every time I wrote about them turning it around they played impossibly bad, every time I ripped them for sucking, they rolled off 5 straight wins...it was maddening.

Take last Thursday/Friday for example...I look up the standings, see that the Sox are a half game back of Baltimore for the wild card and second place in the AL East. Things are rolling, right? I'm going to write a Pulse check this week talking about how all the doubting early in the season was premature, things are fitting into place, how they've endured despite playing with basically the least known group of castoffs $189 million dollars in payroll could buy due to injuries and various stupid contracts...and what do they do?

They lose 5 of 7 to the lowly Mariners and Oakland A's. Daisuke hits the DL, there are concerns about Heart-throb Will Middlebrooks balky hamstring, and I'm so mad I can't even celebrate Papi's 400th homerun by whipping up a batch of his new Mango Salsa (wooooo) because I'm afraid I'll commit atrocious crimes with my pairing knife.

That's the 2012 Sox in a nutshell...2 steps forward, 1.5 steps back. They're making progress, but even slower than that proverbial snails pace.


And I'm fully aware they're about to win 7 in a row because of me writing this. Just doing my part.

This 9 Year Old Beer Pong Champ Thinks His Shit Don't Stink

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Screw you kid, anyone can set up trick shots and try an unlimited amount of time/have a dad that's really good at home movie CGI shit...that don't make you a champ.

How about you make a video when you sink the last cup after 8 straight games playing with actual alcohol? Put aside the Harry Potter trick shot shit and step up and join the big boys...you're Australian, I assume by about your 10th birthday you can legally drink?

 Also, as a general rule of thumb, I refuse to play beer pong with anyone that doesn't drink during the game. I have a feeling this is one of those kids who puts a side cup on the table and just fills it up as his opponents hit their shots, says something like "I'm really full, I'll drink it right after the game," and then 30 minutes later when you're looking for a water cup to wash off the rogue pube stuck to the ball you notice a 20 oz. cup of room temperature beer that panzy left behind...don't be that guy, kid.


PS: You know how I know this video is fake? The cup never wobbles, not once. Doesn't slide, doesn't move at all, actually. Just complete bullshit.

Jessica Simpson is STILL Pregnant

GOOO...my bad. She's just huge. Seriously though, I'm not even sure how a baby fit in there. Like you know on Thanksgiving where it's just impossible to eat one more slice of Turkey, or you just have that delicious piece of glazed ham just mocking you from your 4th plate but you just can't do it unless you suddenly burp/fart/shit clear some space? That's what I feel like looking at this. I feel like Jess has expanded as much as her human skin will possibly let her...that in order to have fit an 8-10 lbs baby in there she must have been drowning herself in exo-lax morning, noon, and night to achieve the necessary space for a baby to survive in there.

Revere Being Excited About Their New Parking Garage is As Revere as it Gets

Boston - A $53.5-million publicly funded parking garage and bus way at Wonderland Station in Revere officially opened over the weekend, officials said..."The striking new Wonderland station entrance announces the special place that this area will soon become," he added. "This is a very exciting day for me as mayor of this proud city.”

And of course, the comments:

I mean, I'd be shocked if the Revere Board of Tourism didn't throw the rendering of the garage up with the first commenters quote on a huge Billboard on Route 1A right next to the 30 foot statue of the Virgin Mary trying to attract people to the Jewel of Parking garages on the Northshore.

This is just so Revere I can't stand it. Kellys Roast Beef, Old fat men tanning on the sidewalks, and genuine excitement about a new parking garage (that hardly looks like the artist rendering above)...Welcome to Revere Beach. 


PS: Maybe building parking garages that some how cost $53 million dollars isn't the smartest thing to do when you're perpetually complaining about crushing debt, eh, MBTA?

Buxom Bandit on the Loose in Britain (alliteration!)

"The women made little attempt to hide her identity, her face was exposed, she wore a single glove and her bare hand made contact with the counter."

I'll just state the obvious and say its not her face or her fingerprints that's going to give away her identity, you toss her photo up on the nightly news and you're going to be flooded with calls. Flooded. There's surely hundreds of young men that'll be calling in about the time they saw her at the local pub and how she's burned into their memories.

PS: Are we positive this was a robbery? Like is it still illegal if this is definitely one of the clerks top 3 fantasies? 

Double PS: I love CNN...This woman only made away with $200! And it made international news. It's not like this is the modern day Bonnie and Clyde or anything. This broad might as well have just stolen the take a penny/leave a penny tray. She made the news for two reasons and two reasons only. Kudos CNN.

US Women's Track Runoff Cancelled Due to Feelings

EUGENE, Ore. – Jeneba Tarmoh changed her mind after listening to her heart. Choosing inner peace over a shot at Olympic glory, the 22-year-old sprinter withdrew from a runoff for the final Olympic spot in the 100 meters, deciding to concede it rather than meet training partner Allyson Felix at the starting line to break a third-place tie...Tarmoh notified USA Track and Field early in the day of her intention to withdraw from the Monday night race. Her heart, she explained, wasn't into competing again. "Running in this (runoff) came down to how I felt internally. Would my heart be at peace running or would I not be at peace? If I was at peace, I would have run," Tarmoh told The Associated Press on Monday night. "My heart was not at peace with running."...On Sunday, Tarmoh said she felt "like I was kind of robbed." 

Way to celebrate 40 years of Title IX though, huh? Few other moments in the past 40 years have captured the incredible drive, ambition, and competitive spirit in womens athletics like this has...oh wait...

Ummm....WHAT?!? You feel like you were robbed? By who? Because as far as I can tell the only person who is robbing you of this chance is yourself. Like, way to train and dedicate the larger part of your life towards this one goal and then quit because you're afraid of hurt feelings. Bravo. Glad you have inner peace now because it's not like you'll regret this decision for the rest of your life.

What a joke.

Craigslist Missed Connections: You Farted in Trader Joes

If wafting a strangers fart with two loaves of Ciabatta bread at your local Trader Joes isn't love at first sight, then I don't know what is.


I have a serious question about these things, do people just do them for comedy or has anyone actually met up based on a Craigslist missed connection...My thing is, do you really want to meet up with someone that answers anonymous missed connections on CL? Seems like at a minimum there'd be a screw or two loose there, no?

Then again maybe you're not so fast to judge others if you're the one posting missed connections on Craigslist hoping that you actually catch that one persons eye and are able to weed out the dozens of prostitutes, perverts/killers, and Nigerian spammers.

Largest Croc Ever Caught in Phillipines...or So They Think

MANILA, Philippines -- A huge crocodile known as Lolong has brought pride, fear, tourism revenue and attention to the remote southern Philippines town where it was captured. And now it has claimed a world record, too. Guinness World Records declared the giant, blamed for deadly attacks before it was captured last September, is the largest saltwater crocodile in captivity in the world...Lolong measures 20.24 feet (6.17 meters) and weighs more than a ton, Guinness spokeswoman Anne-Lise Rouse said in a statement seen Sunday. The reptile took the top spot from an Australian crocodile that measured more than 17 feet (5 meters) and weighed nearly a ton.

Look, there's no denying that's a big ass croc. Bigger than I'd want to tangle with. But to just go ahead and haphazardly toss around the title of Largest Saltwater Crocodile in captivity...well (pun coming), that's just a crock of shit.

Does no one remember this legendary croc? Baddest reptile perhaps in history, took the hand of one of the most villainous pirates of all time?

Lolong, biggest croc in captivity my ass. Nice try Phillipines.

News Weather Team Trolled by Bart Simpson

Congrats Indeed