Quick State of the Blog: I'm Not Dead Yet

Not quite anyway, but I definitely feel like death warmed over. The cause of this misery? A barely two year old baby. Yea, that's right a baby. Sometimes cute, sometimes cuddly, sometimes funny, always bio-hazardous. They're like walking, crawling, babbling weapons of mass destruction. 

It is a guaranteed fact that I'll be sick within 24 hours of being in closed quarters with a child under the age of 5. First off, kids are always sick, just to varying degrees but you'll never come across a toddler who doesn't have dangling boogers on a daily basis.  And secondly, you throw me, an adult who generally spends the majority of his time around  other adults capable of washing their hands, blowing their nose, and frowning upon their peers who choose to eat non-edible things they find on the ground, and you have a volatile combination. 

And that's exactly where we're at right now, day 3 of a dastardly head cold that so far neither of the 'qyls have been able to wrangle. It's been fantastic. It's not even the kind of cold where I can enjoy calling out of work, it's just misery. I can't even nap it off because for some reason this cold has come equipped with a vicious case of the snores, just waking myself up every 3 minutes, chopping down a forest with my breathing. And try finding a cold remedy that lists snoring on its symptoms list...there's no variant of tussin for that...It's gotten so bad that a few minutes ago, while completely wide awake and watching tv, I snored. That's right, I snored while wide awake and mostly coherrent...I've never even heard of that before, has me debating whether I should be on the phone with Mass General telling them to get their best team of Doc's down here to diagnose this brand new plague that I've attained. 

But anyway, just wanted to check in and let you all know that I haven't abandoned the blog, I'm just a bedridden adult whiner who's ran out of ginger ale and saltines and still acts like he's 7 whenever he gets a cold...except they apparently don't show Flipper and Gilligan's Island on TBS during the day anymore.

Preschooler's Lunch Confiscated for Not Being As Nutritious as Chicken Nuggets...

Mom outraged after packed turkey lunch called 'unhealthy', replaced with chicken nuggets: MyFoxBOSTON.com

(NewsCore) - A North Carolina preschooler was fed cafeteria chicken nuggets after a state employee decided that her homemade lunch was not nutritious enough, the Carolina Journal reported. The West Hoke Elementary School student's lunch box -- which contained a turkey and cheese sandwich, banana, potato chips and apple juice -- was inspected by a state agent in the girl's classroom and deemed not to meet the nutrition guidelines set by the US Department of Agriculture (USDA), according to the report Tuesday.

Real talk, I would not make it as child these days. Too much beurocracy. From kindegarten thru 8th grade, little CW ate one of three things for lunch, a bologna sandwich, a roast beef sandwich, or PB & Fluff. As a side dish I had a chewy granola bar...And I was as happy and healthy as a pig in shit. 

But today? Shit, I probably would have been suspended, my parents would have probably been featured in the police notes of the local newspaper for child abuse for repeatedly packing me "non-nutritious" lunches, and I would have rebelled. Would probably be emo or something, just lashing out against the man and wearing black eye liner, I don't know.

This kid's lunch basically sounds more healthy than anything I've put together for myself in the last couple of years, and I'm an adult. Leave the kid alone...who swaps out a turkey sandwich and banana for chicken nuggets? Talk about hypocrisy. What, does this "state agent" get a cut of every $2.15 lunch they force students to buy? And what the hell is a state agent, for that matter? States all across the country are facing budget deficits and we have schools employing special agents to inspect 8 year old Tommy and Tammy's lunch boxes? Get the fuck out. That's the biggest waste of money I've ever heard of. 

This country is going straight to hell in a hand basket, little kids can't even eat the lunches their parents packed for them, jesus. I'm looking up flights to Australia right now, just going to start a whole new civilization of common sense down there.

New Scientific Study Basically Suggests Fat People More likely to be Senile

I assume this woman is already senile.

Boston.Com - If your doctor had a crystal ball that could predict whether you’d become senile in old age, would you want to know? Perhaps, if you could actually do something to prevent it. A growing body of research indicates that certain lifestyle factors may be associated with an increased or decreased risk of developing dementia due to Alzheimer’s disease or strokes...Three new studies released by the American Academy of Neurology this week have found some surprising factors:

1. Walking slowly

2. Excess calorie consumption.

3. Interrupted sleep.

So fat people, right? Or if you want to get technical, fat people who snore, but I'm pretty sure weight is a contributing factor to snoring anyway, so let's just simplify and say fat people.  Fat people have a greater chance of senility.  I just have this scenario in my head where the lead researcher of this study had this really simple presentation all set explaining how land monsters have a greater chance of senility than non-land monsters and the board at the American Academy of Neurology was like, "you really need to beat around the bush here, people don't like being told that their fatness may be debilitating." And that's ultimately how we ended up here, with a column that reads really nice and gentile, sparing everyone's feelings, instead of just coming out and saying; "if you'd like a greater chance of retaining your memories later in life maybe stop eating so much and move around a little bit more, it can't hurt."

Well if the scientists don't want to say it, I will: A recent study suggests Heffers are more likely to be senile later in life. If you'd like a greater chance of retaining your memories later in life maybe stop eating so much and move around a little bit more, it can't hurt."

Saving lives and cognitive abilities, that's just what we do here. 

Is this My Blog's Target Audience?

Honestly, I check the analytics daily, I'm constantly puzzled about who my target audience is. That there is a snapshot of keywords searches on google and bing in the last few hours that have directly resulted in viewers landing on my page...quite the mixed bag.

On the one hand, we have obvious name recognition, which is good to see, it only took about a year and a half but I think we're now number two when someone searches alt tab on google. Plus I obviously encourage anyone searching for "big nose," and "funny fat kid" to check us out on a regular basis. That's my bread and butter.

Then you've got a few odd terms that are ultimately understandable. Betting cafe for example was from when the Maestro was going to keep a running blog of his ups and downs in the sports betting world. I'm pretty sure we featured Jessica Biel as Cat Woman at one point or another, and if we haven't we soon will, as I'm googling her now. Even shotgun 12 gauge makes a bit of sense as I've had a gun blog or two in the past.

But then there's the just flat out weird stuff. Fran Drescher Nipples? What the fuck? Pushing past the fact that there is some creep-o out there sitting commando style in his computer chair one handedly google searching for images of Fran Drescher's nipples, how the hell did he end up here? We've done one Nanny related posted, ever. Maybe I've mentioned her annoying voice in passing at some other point, but that's it. Now we're one of the world's leading search results for Nanny Fine porn? This is all going horribly wrong. 

And to the guy searching hot women in nothing...nice, way to be imaginative. That could be the least original, yet most to the point search in the history of the internet. 

Lebron's Ongoing Intentional Comedy

I know you don't get it Lebron, but you screwed up again.


Lebron is at again. The player who continuously waffles between being a villain and a cherished superstar with a unique skillset never before seen in this league, cannot prevent his mouth from continuing to make him look like a complete jackass. I’ll openly admit, I do not like LeBron. From his public comments that express an almost incomprehensible lack of self awareness, like his initial bafflement as to why people didn’t like “The Descision”, to his outright dismissive arrogance, like mocking Dirk Nowitzski’s flu during the NBA Finals last summer. That being said, I am often in awe of what the man can do on a basketball court. He is a freak specimen that has begun to work on his deficient low post game to become a more complete player.

Yet it is his insecurity as a player, his overwhelming desire to somehow get everyone to love him, that is his biggest hurdle to becoming a complete player.

Just yesterday, LeBron told reporters, “You can’t predict the future…If I decide to come back, hopefully the fans will accept me.” Earth to LeBron: You proverbially cock teased about 4 major franchises 2 years ago in the most ridiculous off season ever, left tantalizingly vague suggestions you were considering a potential move, and left your hometown franchise in one of the biggest media debacles and PR/image assassinations ever seen. I may not be able to predict the future, but I have an inkling you won’t exactly be welcomed back with open arms. Dan Gilbert (who’s an immature, whiny shitstain in his own right) has publicly excoriated Lebron numerous times since his departure, fans were publicly burning his jersey in the streets, and is soundly boo’ed every time he touches the ball. Is LeBron really so oblivious that he can’t realize he napalmed his bridges in Cleveland by shattering a collective fan bases heart?

Now, would most Cleveland fans welcome him back if this were a sincere suggestion? Probably. Maybe it would be begrudgingly, resentfully, and hesitantanly, but you don’t pass on one of the most talented players in the league. But the fact this statement was made, in my opinion, with ZERO intention of returning to the Cavaliers in a desperate attempt at garnering affection comes off as ridiculously patronizing.
LeBron is developing a damaging habit of promising the world to a fanbase, then coming up short when it matters most. In numerous interviews during his time as a Cavalier, he firmly promised his ultimate goal was to bring a championship to Cleveland. Although he didn’t always have the best supporting cast, he had more pull in personnel decisions than any other player, hell, most front office guys have in the league. As we know, that never happened. During his absurdly self promoting “Pre-Season Pyrotechnic Parade” He guaranteed something like 6 or 7 titles.

While he is only in his second year and having the most efficient NBA season of all time (shit that’s kind of amazing, when you consider it), it’s almost like he learned nothing from the fall out after “The Descision.”

As a free agent, it was absolutely within his rights to offer his services to another team. It’s the manner in which he publicly handles his NBA career that rubs a great deal of people the wrong way. If I were a Heat fan (a real fan, not these bandwagon assholes who jumped on when 3 of the best players in the league were acquired through collusion…uh, I mean “trades.”) I’d be pretty pissed LeBron is openly pining for his scorned fanbases affection. It’s this overwhelming desire to be cherished for the talent he is that I think well prevent LeBron from ever realizing his true potential, like Kobe has done over the course of his career.

Kobe, despite his caustic attitude towards his team mates and his haughty dismissal of questions he doesn’t like, has never wavered from the player he is: A cold blooded villain who thrives, hell maybe even ENJOYS, in the face of the collective hate of fanbases outside of L.A. Kobe has proven, even with Shaq, that he has that killer instinct that allows him to completely take over a game, even if it comes at the expense of his team mates happiness or fan’s approval. At the end of the day, Kobe is a winner. LeBron may get there someday, but until he stops his incessant cries for love and focuses on what he is paid to do (play basketball) I doubt he will ever achieve what he is capable of.

New Mini-Wheats Commercial is Legitimately Causing me to Lose Sleep

For whatever reason I had an all out panic attack at like 12:30 at night two nights ago, all worried that little Becca probably knows more about science than me at this point. I'm dead serious, I grabbed my tablet and started wikipedia'ing cloud formations, the water cycle, the 7 steps of the scientific method, and various geological facts...for good measure, at work yesterday, I spent 4 hours dusting up on my highest mountains of the world trivia...Just in case Becca decided she wanted to go out for the Geography bee too.

I have no idea what came over me, it was like I was all of a sudden in a state of shock that there is probably legions of 4-6th graders who have greater trivial knowledge of juvenile science than I do, it troubled me. Then I was thinking, years from now, assuming I have kids and they need help with their homework, am I even going to know anything about the Solar System? That stuff changes on like, an hourly basis. Pluto's a planet, then it's not, then it is, then it's not but some people still say it is. I can't keep up.

It got me thinking that there may be a market for a very specific form of continuing education for adults. Adults like me who aren't particularly concerned about getting an MBA or anything, but would much rather retain their trivial knowledge of elementary and middle school topics, in the event that we're ever called as a contestant on Jeopardy, or even, Are you Smarter Than A 5th Grader.

I don't think it's that impractical either, I mean, how much time would a functioning adult such as myself need to go back through 2-4th grade? A month? Slap together a couple diorama's featuring clay dinosaurs and you're good. The middle school grades might be a bit tougher, maybe you do something like class twice a week for two months for each grade?

Did I just lay out the perfect business plan for parents who want to stay one step ahead of their pre-teen children as far as intelligence goes? Yep.

Panama City Beach Officials Worried About Bikini Parade Devolving into a Girls Gone Wild Situation

Fox News - Panama City Beach, Fla. is attempting to break the Guinness Book of World Record for the Largest Bikini Parade and knock Australia off its throne. But not everyone in the city is happy about it. The event, on March 6, is taking place at one of the most popular spring break destinations in the country, known for its golden sands, clear waters, and of course bikinis. But some city leaders say the idea to have hundreds of women parade around in a two-piece swimsuit would devolve into "Girls Gone Wild" on the beach. “We’ll have a lot of college kids and there’s a lot of hormones flowing out there. It’s very volatile and it doesn’t take a whole lot for things to go sour,” said Panama City Beach city council member Ken Nelson.

Uhhh, guys, if you're worried about Girls Gone Wild type situations breaking out in your city, you may want to go investigate that over-sized Girls Gone Wild tour bus parked behind the seedy motel...I mean Panama City, FL has been one of the crown jewels of the GGW series, seems a bit hypocritical to worry about a bunch of beach goers marching around in their beach attire, all things considered. 

Also, is there anything the people of Guinness Book won't consider a record these day? Largest bikini parade? Seems to me these records are getting more and more specific each time I hear about one.  Like anyone can make up some ridiculous idea that no one has ever been dumb enough to organize before and all of a sudden claim it's a record. Stop giving these people credit for such blatant wastes of time on trivial pursuits.  These girls were all going to be on the beach anyway, all this takes is some jackass with a megaphone and a banner getting all these girls to march a block or two down the street, that's not an accomplishment.

Mark Zukerberg's 6 Secrets for Success

Daily Finanace - David Kirkpatrick, author of The Facebook Effect: The Inside Story of the Company That is Connecting the World -- the only book about the site written with Zuckerberg's full cooperation -- offers an insider's view of what we can learn from the 27-year-old billionaire, while challenging some of the conventional wisdom on the inscrutable entrepreneur. Here, according to Kirkpatrick, are the key ingredients in Zuckerberg's recipe for success.

1. Believe in Yourself

2. Just Get It Done

3. Stick to Your Vision and Tune Out the Naysayers

4. Loyalty Breeds Success

5. Live Below Your Means

6. Follow Your Passion -- Not the Money

All due respect to Mark, I think he forgot one, "Invent the most addictive and popular website in the history of the internet."  Not to be too cynical here, but I just can't stand whenever some uber-rich guy comes out with lists like this, it's bullshit. It's common sense, and it has nothing to do with your company's success or your riches that followed. 

You're rich and successful for two reasons, you thought of/and/or possibly borrowed a brilliant idea, and you executed it brilliantly. That's it folks, it's that simple. All that other stuff, that corporate fluff (to be fair my company has never said "get it done," so maybe Mark hasn't gone totally corporate, but we do say things like "commitment to operational excellence," which is the same thing), it's common sense and propaganda for the employees.

Take myself for instance:

1. Believe in Yourself - I consistently believe that, when I put the effort in, I'm geniunely funny and pointed. Problem is, the results don't always support my theory. I think I happen to have a very narrow sense of humor and interest that is not necessarily palatable to a broad audience...I know this because we're not exactly rolling in advertising dollars or writing deals over here...probably because I don't have a brilliant original idea.

2. Just Get it Done - After working my day job I come home and research blog topics, I then rise an hour and half earlier than necessary each morning to type out this drivel...I'm getting it done, it's just not accomplishing anything...again, because I don't have a brilliant original idea.

3. Stick to your Vision and Tune out the Naysayers - Believe me, I do this. I get some pointed criticism daily from reader e-mails and comments, and I'd be more offended, it's just that for some reason, people wait several months before commenting on the blog...take this blog for example, wrote it in December, took this Jake P character two months to comment, at that point I just don't give a shit. Also, I consistently get e-mails from some guy in Africa with some pretty interesting business proposals for the site, but I always turn them down, I don't want to sell out just yet.

4. Loyalty Breeds Success - Well that's just a flat out lie...We've had a revolving door of bloggers over here, with Dr. Jack and Seany Mo being the only two that have somewhat stuck.

5. Live Below Your Means - Frankly, that's not even possible. Living below my means based on blog income would make me the equivalent of a homeless toddler, luckily I have a real job.

6. Follow Your Passion, Not the Money - If you haven't been getting the general gist of things here, I'm not exactly rising early each morning because of the promise of riches. I'd like the riches, it would be nice, I certainly wouldn't turn them down, but at this point if that was my driving force I'd be a fucking idiot because that's one dream that's surely not coming true...Probably because I don't have a brilliant and original idea.

In sum, I'd much rather listen to the business tips of every-man type business people, ones that haven't necessarily struck it rich but are still getting by, guys like: Michael Scott:

Some Ugly Guy Claiming to be Hugh Hefner's Son Arrested for Attacking Playmate

Celebuzz - Trouble at the mansion. Hugh Hefner‘s eldest son Marston Hefner was reportedly arrested for allegedly attacking Playboy’s Playmate of the Year Claire Sinclair. Claire, 20, is Marston’s girlfriend and according to TMZ.com, cops were called out to the Playboy heir’s Pasadena, Calif. pad after a 911 call was made by one of Claire’s family members claiming that Marston attacked the model. A source told the website that cops saw visible bruises on Claire upon arriving on the scene, and that Marston did admit to an altercation with his girlfriend but denied striking her. However, Claire’s story was very different. The TMZ source told the website that she told police “Marston had punched her, kicked her in the stomach and then refused to let her leave the residence.” Marston was arrested at 11:15 p.m. on Sunday night for misdemeanor domestic violence. He was released on $20,000 bail not too long after his arrest. On Monday, Hugh Hefner himself commented on the situation, telling People, “if they care about each other, they’ll patch it up.”

Either this just isn't Hef's son, just some guy taking advantage of a senile old man with a lifetime supply of viagra, or this picture is Hef's son in 1972. What the hell is going on here? The Faux mullet,the gapped teeth, the general gross looking complexion and lack of tan, and the bushy brows...that is most certainly not Hugh Hefner's son...Looks like the milk man may have a few "what happens in the grotto, stays in the grotto" stories from back in the day...